Please You

A friend pointed out to me once that cared a lot about what other people thought of me and took it to heart. I'm going to take this one step further and say that I enjoy pleasing other people. I like to do this so much that sometimes I lose sight of what I want...because I want what they want. If someone thinks I am a good writer and should pursue that, then I will write-write-write because because it would please them. If someone thinks I would be good at _____, then I should do _____ because it would please them. I bring this up because I'm trying to sort out a direction for me. Every time I do so, though, I have someone else in mind: what would they think of me pursuing this? Is this something I want?

Then again, maybe I should stop sorting and just do. But that's a bit difficult when you want to focus on several different things at one time.

Figuring stuff out

Since the beginning of September, I've felt an incredible loss of purpose. I went from working two jobs - a situation that almost broke me - to working one job, where I now sit idly half the time. The contrast has been a slow whiplash. I went from relieved, to content, to agitated, to wanting to throw things and scream - so much was my frustration. I didn't know what to do with myself to fill the eight hours (though not for lack of trying to find things - but I don't want to discuss that fruitless runaround). I felt completely useless at work and then went home and did chores. My brain felt like it was disintegrating and I felt completely uninspired.

Until I started watching TV. That's right. Specifically, I started watching the TV show, Girls. The show itself is controversial and sometimes I'm not completely on board with the content. But sometimes, I really liked the writing...so much so that I searched out the creator/writer and discovered she also publishes essays for the New Yorker, which unexpectedly impressed me. This series of events got me writing creatively again and thinking about the direction in which I want to push myself. Consequently, I'm using my "empty" work time for massive, reflective/overhaul writing. I'm asking myself about the lifestyle I want and deciding what I want my driving force to be - practical or creative. It's fun, but heavy on the thinking. Good thing I have time.