Compensation

Today I received an electronic notice that my checking account has $1 in it. While the situation isn't dire - I have a little money in savings and I get paid today - it was a bit shocking. I realized a few months ago that my current income is no longer livable, so I've started the process of applying for other work. One of the hard things, though, is writing out a resume and saying I'm "excellent" and "exceptional" at what-have-you when there is evidence to suggest otherwise. An incident yesterday made me question some of my abilities I want to "sell" and consequently, it has been difficult writing that resume...

This past month, we've had several scheduling errors where clients have missed appointments because of the schedulers/admin. There's a team of three people who do it: me, Judy, and the owner. Admittedly, we all mess up. There are so many freaking details that go along with running the business that it would take a super-human administrative assistant to get the job done perfectly. However, several errors have traced back to my coworker, Judy, who is newer to the job than I am. The owner was getting frustrated. I feel the pressure, too, though and I'm terrified to make a mistake.

Then yesterday, a client called to confirm an appointment for that afternoon and she wasn't in the calendar. We were unlucky, too, because her slot had been scheduled over. Of course, the client couldn't remember when she made the appointment or who she talked to. I've had a pretty good track record with my scheduling for the last several months, and the owner knew she didn't talk to the client...so she suspected it was another mistake made by Judy. There didn't appear to be any evidence either way, though.

Yet I had a sinking feeling in my stomach. I couldn't remember doing the scheduling, but the client had a treatment on the day I was working. It would have made sense for her to rebook that same day. I checked the company cell phone's message history to see if the appointment had been texted in, but the messages had been cleared since then. At the end of the night, I stopped the therapist who would have had the appointment - did she text in the treatment? She couldn't remember, but I asked her to go through her messages anyway, giving her the date. She found it. The appointment had been scheduled during a short text conversation we had had. I must have gotten distracted and forgot to put it in. Now I had to figure out how to handle it. The mistake should not have happened. Period. I've been there long enough to be more attentive than that.

I decided to leave a note for the owner. I explained to her what happened - that it was my fault the client lost the appointment and not Judy's. I said the client should be compensated a free massage (since that is the right thing to do) and I asked that the price of the massage be deducted from my paycheck when she rebooks (she's a regular, so we knew she would). That way the company gets paid, the therapist gets paid, the client - hopefully - feels taken care of, and I can feel redeemed.

I don't know if she'll actually do it, though. In the past, she's let the business as a whole - and probably herself then - eat the cost. So it means I'll have to make sure it's deducted myself.

Anyway, this event was a blow in two ways:
1) My bank account clearly can't handle any more losses, and
2) I'm not as good as I thought I was.
I was considering applying for a job at the university hospital where the stakes were much higher, but I've lost confidence in my ability to step up to that challenge. I was going to be stretching myself as it was - being somewhat under-qualified for the job - but now...I mean this is a hospital. Life and death happen here. Missing an appointment in a massage therapy center is one thing, but I don't know if I could live with myself if I did the same in a hospital...particularly the Children's Critical Care Unit...

So I'm battling two dilemmas now...the $1 in my bank account and the feeling of being qualified...

Switched-Race Alter Egos

My good friend Yvette is a black woman originally from D.C. She was telling me how she used to work at a call center and would adopt an alter ego in order to sell products. She imagined she was a little white blonde girl named Stevie and - after taking on this persona - she claimed to have had significantly more sales than she would have had otherwise. I thought this was hilarious, but admitted that I couldn't do the opposite - pretend to be a black woman on the phone.

"I don't know, Amy," she said. "Sometimes you get an attitude that reminds me of my aunts."
"Really..." I said. I thought this was cool. Part of me has secretly wished I was black...or anything other than white to be honest.
"What should my name be? Something like LaToya or LaKeisha..."
"LaKeisha!"

And so it was. Yvette and I now have alter egos that we enjoy pulling out at work every once in a while - Stevie and LaKeisha - and they are great friends. They bring much laughter into the office.

Renaissance Woman

During a few moments of quiet at the front desk, I expressed some frustration in a conversation with my coworker/friend, Judy.

"People my age are becoming more successful - they have jobs in which they can support themselves! I feel like I'm scrambling around at the bottom, not getting anywhere, and barely scraping by. Am I not working hard enough? Am I not enterprising/aggressive/resourceful enough? What IS IT that I'm doing wrong???"

"I don't think you're doing anything wrong," Judy responded. "You're a Renaissance woman." She then went off on a tangent about how she saw my life and listed all the stuff I was doing and then repeated the phrase, "You're a Renaissance woman!" I couldn't see her point.

"What do you mean by that??" I asked impatiently.

"You're doing things differently. You could easily get a 9-5 job, but you don't."

"I've had one. It's terrible on the body."

"See? You want something different. You're breaking away from the norm."

I wish the growing pains of being the designer of your life weren't so biting.

How To Achieve Beanstalkiness?

Scene: At work.

Amy: I was thinking about what you said the other day...what you're dad told you about working: "be useful"... 

(Pause) 

That's it. End of thought. It sounded like something profound was coming, but there wasn't.

Mike-the-computer-fixer-guy: It was half-way there...

Amy: (decides to try again) It's good advice. But I don't think I can do that..."be useful."

Mike: Sure you can. 

Amy: I know I can, but there has to be more to it than that. I'm not a practical person and, honestly, I might spend the rest of my life with my head in the clouds. 

Mike: A lot of people think that. (Pause) But it is possible to have your head in the clouds and your feet on the ground. 

The search continues....