Engagement

Fourth of July is hot in Arizona. Every year I think it would be great to go out and see fireworks and every year I remember how unappealing it is to sit in 95-100 degree temperatures at 9:30pm. Not only that, but if you go down town, you have to bring chairs and walk a quarter mile from the car to where you want to sit. Ibrahim and I decided to stay home and try to watch fireworks from the roof. We could see a couple shows happening around the city, though all were far away and partially concealed by trees. But we had a comfortable camping pad to sit/lounge on and we could still see some cool explosions. Around 9:45, I started to get tired and said, “Ok, it’s time for bed.” Ibrahim said, “Wait, before we go to bed, you still need to do something.” I was confused…I did laundry, packed my lunch, didn’t leave any of my usual messes around… “Brush my teeth? Take a shower?” I asked. “Put on your slippers,” he said. “Go look at that skylight.” I got up and walked toward it. Now remember, there are some lights from the streets and people’s homes, but it’s still pretty dark. I went to the skylight and saw a black something. It looked like a mouse, but it wasn’t moving. I had no idea what Ibrahim was trying to pull, but I wasn’t getting any closer to it. Ibrahim finally came over, picked it up, and handed it to me. It was a velvet pouch. The next few minutes were a whirlwind. As I opened it and pulled out a heart-shaped ring box, he said, “Even though it is independence day,” Ibrahim asked, “Amy, would you give up your independence and marry me?” Of course I said yes. I couldn’t quite believe it, though. My head was spinning. I felt completely overwhelmed. I wasn’t expecting this. I knew Ibrahim would propose someday, but I thought that would be next year, honestly, in 2018 sometime. I also thought the proposal would be different…maybe more public…or in a different location…like we would take a drive somewhere, have dinner. But proposing here and now…I wasn’t expecting it. I felt unprepared. For the rest of the evening, my mind was in a state of bewilderment, disappointment, and shock. I wasn’t the “happiest person in the world.” Actually, aside from the details of the proposal itself, being engaged suddenly scared me. I had to wear this ring now that would declare my status to everyone. That’s the point, right? To show off? I didn’t want to show off. I didn’t want to wear anything. The fact that my life was changing right now became real to me. Don’t misunderstand…soon after we started dating I figured I would marry Ibrahim. He is a wonderful boyfriend. He does all my dishes and lets me eat his pasta, even after I told him I didn’t want any when he was making it. I love our life together and couldn’t imagine being with anyone else. I saw myself growing old with him. But holding a ring in my hand was kind of daunting. I just became engaged and I was not loving it. What was wrong with me? Back inside, I felt awkward. I didn’t know what to say or feel. I was just confused.  

Nevertheless, I carried my ring to work with me in its heart-shaped box and little pouch. I couldn’t wear it yet because it was too big. But I would pull it out when no one else was around and look at it. He bought this for me. Even if I could wear it, I wasn't ready. I just wasn't ready.

We took my ring in to get resized and you could see other couples around picking rings. I felt weird. My ring size, by the way, is 3.5. Ibrahim couldn’t believe it was that small.

 Over the next several days, I felt all sorts of things: happy, scared, anxious, excited, worried, bewildered, denial. I even cried once. Ibrahim later told friends that he could see I was in shock: I sort of walked around the house in a daze.

Aside from being engaged, the idea of planning a wedding was WAY more than I could handle. I’d get panic moments at work: What do I do? How much will this cost? Where will it be? Don’t these things have color schemes? Do I have to have bridesmaids? I don’t think I have any good enough friends to be bridesmaids. Wedding became the "W" word and I would freeze up anytime Ibrahim or I mentioned it.  

Finally, the following Saturday night, I needed to talk about what was going on and what we were getting ourselves into. Ibrahim and I have talked about things here and since we started dating, but I wanted to nail things down. We had a long conversation about what marriage meant to each of us, our fundamental beliefs, children, and dancing. I wanted to know that we were on the same page, and for anything where we weren’t, how we anticipated dealing with those differences. We also talked about how we could potentially change in the future. In the end, we aligned well on a lot of things. We both wanted a permanent life partner, and we wanted to marry each other because we worked well as a team and we enjoyed being with each other. Personally, I love that Ibrahim allows me to be me, accepts it, and wants to be a part of my life. He has demonstrated that from the beginning – going out of his way just so he can be present in my day-to-day happenings. I also love how he keeps me calm. I tend to worry a lot and he’s always saying, “It’s going to be ok! Don’t worry!”

 I felt a lot better after our conversation and was ready to announce our engagement. I wasn't sure whether or not I wanted to tell anyone besides my family. You’re throwing a big chunk of your personal life out into the open, into the wild. Who knows how things will go over? 

I think my family was as shocked as I was when I texted them. Maybe a little more. None of them have met Ibrahim. Heather and Christine congratulated me. My dad was brief. My mom couldn't get the message. Eventually I was able to call my mom a few hours later and talk to her. She sounded cautious and skeptical, but was also supportive and positive at the same time. She probably figured there wasn't much for her to say or do. When I called my dad a little later, he admitted he was shocked. Both my mom, my dad, and Brenda (Evan even made a vocal appearance) chatted with Ibrahim for a little while. I think this was everyone’s first real conversation with him. Neither my dad nor Brenda had ever spoken to him before. It seemed to go over alright.

 I wasn't going to post any photos of my ring, because I hate it when women do that: show off their hand in any way possible. Of course, though, my mom asked for one, so I made Ibrahim take one with me. We fumbled around for a good shot and finally settled on one that looked Arizona-ish and was in focus. Then I posted it on Facebook. I debated doing this. I wasn't feeling particularly joyful. However, I rationalized that everyone has his/her moment to announce an engagement, and this was mine. Instead of people finding out piecemeal and watering down the experience, I might as well open the floodgates, have my moment, and hope it turned out ok. The response was overwhelming. People were "liking," reacting, and commenting every few seconds. People I haven't talked to in years were congratulating me.

 In contrast to my parents, people from our Tucson dance community were excited right away. These people see us on a weekly (sometimes daily) basis and would exclaim, “Congratulations! You guys are so great together!! This is really great news!” It was encouraging. I'm glad it seemed like a good idea to some people besides us.

I told a few coworkers the next day, but let everyone else discover my ring for themselves. I was still getting used to the idea. Now – a few weeks in – I’ve started to forget I have it on. I was pointing out some edits on a letter for a doctor and he said, “Did you get engaged?” I said yes and he responded, “Well, congratulations. I just kept seeing something flashing in my eyes!” Oh…heh.

 I feel much more comfortable with the idea of getting married now. I think my family and other people have had time to let the idea settle in, and now everyone is looking forward to a wedding, which still stresses me out. Sometimes I want to say, “Forget it! We’re going to get married by ourselves, plus a couple of witnesses.” But I think I would feel like I missed out if I didn’t have a wedding celebration with my family and friends. I just don’t know what I’m going to do. Everyone says, “You have time, don’t worry.” But you don’t…you need to book a year in advance sometimes. That means decisions need to be made MORE than a year in advance. I also have to figure out how much we can afford to spend. I don’t care about the details of party favors or invitations. I don’t think I’ll even have them. Maybe I’ll get one made for a scrapbook, one made for my mom, and one made for my dad. Done. Everything else is electronic. Facebook invitations. I care mostly about the dance party and having a bunch of people there.

 Back to marriage, though…I used to think it was risky marrying someone you knew for a year or less. You needed at least two-three years to know. However, I dated someone for three years and I was skeptical about a future with him for a lot of the time. I wanted us to work, but that was different from having evidence that it would. With Ibrahim, I could see early on that we would work well together. I think a large part of that was because he wanted a future together, and he showed that he wanted it every day. I now believe that when you find the right person – regardless of how long you’ve known each other - you will know he/she is the right person. Then, if you’re at a point in life when marriage makes sense (or if you just want it!), you should go for it. That’s where I am – I’ve finally found my person, my other half – and I’m excited for our adventures to come.

Saturn Return

In astrology, a Saturn Return occurs every 28.5 to 30 years in a person's life. This is the point when Saturn comes back to the exact place in the sky where it was when you were born. It marks a period of major life change. The first Saturn Return at 28.5-30 years old signifies the beginning of adulthood. As it was explained to me, the first 28 years or so of a person's life is spent learning to survive, and the next 28-30 years are spent truly living and bringing aspirations to fruition. These are times when people completely change course: they switch careers, move somewhere else, get married, have a child, go back to school, get divorced, a family member or a close friend dies...or sometimes a combination of these things happens. Major life events happen before and after a Saturn Return, but my understanding is that whatever happens during this time period is a significant directional shift. It's a life awakening, a rebirth. However, this time period is tricky. The universe is pushing you in a direction toward your fullest self, but it presents obstacles. The key is to follow what you truly want to do and to go through those obstacles. If you don't - if you do what other people want you to do or what you think you're supposed to do - you spend the next decade or two trying to rectify it.

My Saturn Return technically began April 6th, but it kicked into gear around the end of the month. I was getting ready to take an accounting class when I felt a strong internal pull to begin ballroom dancing again. Interestingly, a coworker I didn't care for was pushing me back into it and I was silently resisting...until I saw a practice room. Looking at the mirrors and floor, a light went on and I couldn't stop thinking about it. I was also in a position where I could afford dancing for the first time in years due to a promotion in early 2016. Time commitment wasn't an issue either, as my boyfriend was working so much that we barely saw each other anyway. I needed a direction in my life and this seemed to be it, and the universe apparently agreed. Within a week, I found a partner, coaches, a practice space, and a plan. I was going to dance again and not only that, I was heading back into competition...something I believed I had given up for good.

Over the course of 4-5 months, my life seemed by changing at lightning speed:

- I started dancing again and found myself the happiest I'd been in years (a deep sort of happiness). At the time I made this decision, it felt very risky. Instead of using my newly attained promotion to go back to school, I was choosing to spend all my extra time and money on dance practice and lessons. Earlier in 2016, I had an astrology reading and my astrologer said that any decisions I made during this coming birthday year will impact the rest of my life. So of course the decision to forgo school and career development caused me anxiety. However, after talking with her again informally, she said the best thing I can do is follow what I desire. So I dropped the accounting class and have not regretted it. I've developed a sense of confidence that things work out in life the way they're supposed to...and I have to say that my quality of life has gone up immensely since I've started dancing. There may, in fact, be opportunities for me in the dance world...ones that would satisfy me (emotionally and financially) more than a career in accounting. Or - even better - maybe some new surprise that I could never guess will come up.

- I broke up with my boyfriend of three years. He's a good man, but our lives were going in different directions. Whether or not he wanted to admit it, his life was his business and he didn't have a lot of time for much else. Leaving him was very sad and a few times I wondered if I should have tried to stay. But I had waited two of those three years for him to change...to have time for me...and I didn't want to wait anymore.

- I started a relationship with someone new. The contrast between the last relationship and this one is stark and the difference amazes me every day. Before, I was constantly trying to fit into someone else's life and be convenient for him - not make demands, be flexible for his schedule, and be understanding when things fell through (which was often). I was caught quite off guard when this new person I started seeing asked me for more time together and went out of his way to make this possible. He doesn't want me to fit him, but instead changes his life so that we fit together. For instance, he wants me to have a place for my things in his house and he drives to my house every morning to take me to work...because he wants to. More than all this, though, he talks about the future as though I will be a part of it. He's optimistic and speaks with a sense of permanence about our relationship, which I appreciate. Regardless of how long we do stay together, I like this sense of permanence because it makes me feel wanted. For the last two years, I didn't feel wanted and I struggled with that every day. In this new relationship, however, there is no question of that.

I don't know how long it takes to move out of the Saturn Return growth period, but I have a feeling it isn't over and additional significant changes are going to occur in the next year (hopefully with my career??). We shall see and I'll keep you posted.

Mating in Captivity: Negotiating Intimacy and Desire & Personal Take-Aways

I began reading Mating in Captivity hoping to learn the role of sex in long-term relationships, apart from procreation. I wanted to understand how it fueled marital conflict and how this conflict could be resolved...or even avoided. While reading, though, I discovered the answers to my questions were complex. The author and psychotherapist, Esther Perel, does not give the reader definitive responses, but instead opens the discussion to a big-picture view. She discusses culture and history...the things that mold our perceptions of sex, relationships, and ourselves. So while I was expecting an expert's opinion on relationship dynamics, I found something more beautifully complex - a window into the cultural and psychological shaping of human sexuality.

The main thesis of this book is that intimacy and desire are needed for a fulfilling relationship, but they require contradicting circumstances. Perel states that intimacy needs closeness, but desire needs distance. Intimacy is important because it creates stability: knowing each other allows you function better as a unit. It's also the "caring" part of the relationship - putting someone else before yourself (nurturing them, being responsible for them, etc.). Desire, however, is what keeps a couple romantically interested in each other. It comes from the unknown and the anticipation of what will come. For some couples, this thesis may not be correct. Knowing each other more may create more desire, which is great. Yet there are many who find themselves frustrated because the "flame" has died. For these couples, Perel does not offer a single solution for reconciling desire and intimacy, because there isn't one. However, they can be managed according to each unique relationship, and it comes down to negotiating distance (physical, emotional, and verbal).

In discussing the negotiation between intimacy and desire, Perel brings up numerous points regarding sex and sexuality within society and within oneself. I decided to talk about just a few that impacted the way I thought about relationships and myself.


1) A Person for a Village

In cultures where three generations live under one roof and/or communities are close-knit (everyone knows everyone's business), achieving intimacy isn't an issue. Everyone is probably close enough. However, in our modern American culture, we have an ability to communicate without actually seeing each other. As beneficial as this is, the lack of physical presence may leave us longing for intimacy more than any other generation. Then, when we find a partner, we are at risk for putting too many expectations on that person: to provide stability, excitement, sexual fulfillment, counsel, and friendship...essentially take on multiple and contradictory roles. It is possible for someone to do this in bits and pieces, but one cannot expect a person to fulfill his/her partner completely. When trying to fill the intimacy void goes too far, it could make people needy and/or controlling and also lead to much disappointment.

This point struck me because it shows how some problems in relationships extend beyond the couple...they are results of the culture, not simply the individuals involved. Perel doesn't offer an answer for working around this specifically, but in my life, I'm trying to open my network more to fill the lack of intimacy. Instead of turning only to my significant other, I try to spend more time with friends and talk to my family. When I need to process things and no one is available to talk, I go for a long bike ride. I search for small ways to meet my needs that aren't dependent on my partner. It isn't easy, and sometimes I have to let a need go unmet. However, I try to be conscious of the fact that there are two people in my relationship and that we can't do and be everything for each other.


2) Eroticism as a Map

I used to view eroticism as a repulsive concept - it was vulgar and indecent. Disgusting. While reading this book, I learned I was not alone in my belief...and that I was also incredibly misinformed.

Eroticism is sexual desire, but it's layered and complicated. When you investigate another person's desire (or maybe your own) you find a map of the psyche. Erotic fantasies - no matter how simple or complex - can reveal the way a person perceives himself, how she balances power between her and society, and how he was loved and/or hurt in the past (by individuals or society at large). Erotic fantasies are attached to some of our deepest vulnerabilities, and being able to express them is a way to experience freedom. In fantasies, we are able to go against what is expected of us and be in control of our environment. Demonstrating them to another puts the person in a vulnerable situation. However, if welcomed, it can correct a personal imbalance and satisfy a mental need. Why sex is the vehicle for experiencing this kind of freedom, I'm not sure. Maybe because it's the one thing about our human nature that is most stifled in public. I no longer see eroticism as something that should be suppressed, but rather as a means to better understand one's history and needs, as well as a way to escape cultural pressures and expectations. One could even say it has a healing quality...maybe Marvin Gaye was onto something...


3) Sexual Make Up

In order to understand where a couple's issues take root, Esther Perel has to unfold her clients' histories. She explores the family, religious, and cultural dynamics in their childhoods. Reading these accounts, of course, made me reflect on the role sex has played in the course of my life. For most of it - I'm sad to say - I've held negative and restrictive views of intercourse and eroticism, and only over the past two years have I been unpacking them and their origins. I never realized how much they affected me...the way I interacted with and viewed other people and, more importantly, the way I felt about myself...as a growing, maturing person. There has been a lot of internal pain by trying to keep myself "safe" and within the lines. I've probably perpetuated that pain in others, as well. I tried to pinpoint where my views came from and how they developed, but the truth is they are built into the system in which I live - government, education, religion, and the influence of family and friends. I understand that institutions are in place to keep sex from being misused, but I wish I had been taught differently. I was directly told that "yes, yes, sex is a beautiful and good thing if kept within ____ boundaries and under ____ conditions." However, indirectly, the more powerful message that stayed with me was that it caused problems, it was sinful, and it needed to be contained. I've felt the consequences of this message, and yet I can't blame anyone for it. Tradition is a powerful force and many people pass things along in the best interests of others, especially their children.

Many of us think of sexuality and sex as adult concepts, but it is with us from birth. We are sexual beings even as children, and how people teach us about sex affects our self-esteem, the way we perceive, and how we perform everyday functions. Between two people, sex creates life, but within an individual, sex (hormones, organs, fantasy) lets a person live. Even if a person never sleeps with someone else, sex is still a building block of his/her life. I am just sad that so much shame and stigma is attached to it.



While the primary purpose of Mating in Captivity is to help couples balance intimacy and excitement, it goes beyond offering suggestions for issues on the surface. Esther Perel helps her readers understand that managing the balance means knowing yourself, your personal history, and your culture. The unspoken rules our society maintains, the ideals we come to believe, and our childhood experiences play as much of a role in our relationships as do complimentary values, habits, and attractive features. Beyond self exploration, she invites you to experiment with your relationship...communicate in different ways or change the direction of your daily energy. Mating in Captivity won't gain favor with everyone, because some of the ideas Perel brings up are against the grain (even I didn't agree with all of them). However, the multicultural perspectives she brings to the table are worth reading. I hope they catch on in the United States...for the sake of the mental and physical health of our people.

Amy's Year in Review 2014

I enjoy looking over my life at the beginning of the New Year. It makes the time I spent living worth my while, by recognizing all I've learned and how much I've changed. Below is my list of Things I've Learned, Accomplishments, and Desires for 2015. To be honest, I don't know if the things I've learned in 2014 were actually during 2014 or if they were some time before that, but I think they're important so they're listed.

Things I've Learned

1) No human feeling is unique: everyone can experience the same emotions (on varying levels), and it is possible to feel a strong emotion repeatedly. This includes love. This year, I had a tough time changing my mindset from the idea that love is unique and highly exclusive to that it is common and shared.  The truth is, we can love deeply more than once and we love many people throughout our lives. While I kind of knew this from my relationships with friends and family members, being in a close relationship with someone else made the lesson stark: I had to understand that I am a part of a person's life, not the part. That was a tough pill to swallow ("What?! You mean I'm not the only person you've ever cared about?") However, while I've learned that love itself is common, I've also learned that what comes from love is special: the family you create, the lessons you learn about yourself, and the places it takes you.

2) Talking is better than walking. I am a person who tends to cut things off and be done with them when they aren't working out. I've discovered that it's worth communicating your issues/feelings before walking out, especially if the other person wants to meet you half way.

3) Be able to justify your actions. It's a really great feeling when someone calls you out on a "mistake" and you're able to list solid, logical reasons why you did what you did.

4) You look better when you admit to a mistake than when you try to cover it up. Yes, people want something done in a timely fashion, but - at the core of the issue - they want it done right. Asking for help when you don't know is key.

5) You're given "dumb" passes in life (people forgive you when you do something stupid), but they're limited - try not to use them all up at once.

6) Learn how to fix what you mess up, because messing up is a given.

7) Sometimes you can't fix everything, though, and you have let time do the work. We all have people who won't forgive us, items that we've caught on fire and will never get back, and money (ours or someone else's) that we've tossed out the window...I think there's a specific "dumb pass" for that...Regardless, we just have to hope time will heal all emotional wreckage.

8) My body and physical ambitions have changed. In my early 20s, I thought I had figured out the "formula" to get my body the way I wanted it. Now, however, I'm no longer in that stage of post-adolescent-but-still-have-adolescent-body-functionings, and that formula doesn't work anymore. My body responds differently to food than it used to. I'm also less tolerant of being hungry and I don't have the same fascination with body mechanics anymore (aka I'm not ok with eating only a handful of food for a meal and gyms don't stimulate me like they used to). The resulting physical change has been difficult for me to deal with and I have a feeling life isn't going to be generous as I get older.  I'm not giving up, but I'm also learning acceptance...

9) "Finding myself" is over. Thank. Goodness. I no longer look at each opportunity like, "THIS IS WHO I AM AND WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE DOING WITH MY LIFE!" I have a complicated web of interests, but none of them are attached to my identity. I regard the "finding self" stage as the mental puberty of early adulthood: I had to go through it to solidify my identity, but I'm glad it's over.

10) Movies can engage a person intellectually on a deeper level than I expected. They can make you reflect upon your own morals, goals, and thinking patterns. They make you question society. This deeper thinking thing was a pleasant surprise for me. I thought you could only get it - truly - from books.


Accomplishments

Obtained a full-time job with benefits that pays me almost enough to live on (parents still help a little).

Found an apartment that only I live in. Sweet Jesus, I didn't think I'd see the day.

Read several books and watched many tv shows and movies. Who's culturally engaged ??-->>> this one!

Maintained a healthy relationship for over a year (personal record! victory dance!).


Desires/Things to Accomplish for 2015

I'm used to being broke around Christmas and not doing much. This year, I wasn't broke but I did not plan well. I felt like a scrooge when unexpected gifts were left on my desk at work and in my mailbox at home. Next year, I want to be more active about preparing for the holidays (Christmas shopping will happen and cards will be made ahead of time) and appreciate the celebrating on a religious level. I also want an Advent calendar and Jesse tree. Seriously, what's more fun than opening a tiny box every day for a month, pulling out a gift/ornament, and reading an accompanying story? Lots of things, I know, but it's still pretty great.

I want an art project and art skills! I can already see many of you slapping your foreheads - you probably remember the artistic attempts of Summer 2013? Well, I'm back to it again. Right now, the only thing on my list is a kinetic typography video. I'm hoping to have two more projects this year (cards don't count).

Professionally? I'd like to start doing more with communications. I'm going to push to help with the department newsletter and website more. Truth be told, I envy the BioComm department upstairs. I'm sure their lives are filled with tedious work, but I would love some of their technical and creative skill sets.

I struggled with my religion in 2014. I was barely going to Mass once a week, and I developed some riffs with Catholicism. I went as far as looking into various Protestant churches around the city, because I wasn't feeling like I fit in as a Catholic anymore. However, after I went to one such service, I left feeling empty. I immediately missed the richness of the Catholic church, its rituals, and its structure. I like ritual and structure, and I was very appreciative of the next Mass I attended. However, who's to say this couldn't happen again? Therefore, this year I want to read about and engage more with my faith: to start, four books on Catholicism/Christianity.

Health...I'm just keeping on keeping on. Maybe exercise a little more.

I want a group of friends...like from a club I join or something. I don't know if that will happen this year because I can already see myself being very busy. However, I think friends would be a positive addition to my life.


All right, so that is that for 2015. Lots of good stuff happened in 2014, so let's hope that goodness keeps rolling! Do you have any goals for this year or anything you learned from last year that you want to share? If so, please leave a comment or send me a message. Best to you all for 2015!