I want to quit my job

I want to quit my job. I am dissatisfied with my work. I thought maybe if I have something outside of work that fulfills me, having a "pay the bills" job is fine. For about a year, it was. However, things for me have changed. I'm starting to feel irritated with/intolerant of things that never really bothered me before: my pay, my work hours, the way one or two people treat me, the trainings and meetings I'm  expected to attend, my new responsibilities, etc. In fact, sometimes I don't want to do anything and get annoyed when people ask me to complete various tasks. However, I keep my emotions in check and do what I need to do. I know it's not my work - it's me.

The truth is, I don't feel fulfilled with my work. I don't feel like I'm growing in the direction I want. When you are working toward a goal and you're on the path you want to be on, you can put up with all kinds of crap: people taking advantage of you, lousy hours, little to no benefits, and low pay. You deal with it, because in the end it will pay off. On the other hand, if you have everything - good pay, good benefits, flexible hours, great coworkers - but don't feel fulfilled, all these things get on your nerves...probably irrationally. That's where I am right now.

The problem is, I don't know where to go or what would make me feel fulfilled. I've been reading a lot of articles on fulfilling careers and career changes, but nothing has sparked an idea. Or a plausible idea. I just know I want to create things. I've thought about photography, writing, websites, and marketing/advertisement. I've also thought about become a dance teacher...but the pay for that quite low unless you're well-known or have serious business skills (aka not a great teacher, but you can sell).

I don't know what I'm going to do, but I want to figure it out soon. I'm increasingly dreading the days I have to go to work and I'm getting cranky. I need to figure things out before I explode.

Saturn Return

In astrology, a Saturn Return occurs every 28.5 to 30 years in a person's life. This is the point when Saturn comes back to the exact place in the sky where it was when you were born. It marks a period of major life change. The first Saturn Return at 28.5-30 years old signifies the beginning of adulthood. As it was explained to me, the first 28 years or so of a person's life is spent learning to survive, and the next 28-30 years are spent truly living and bringing aspirations to fruition. These are times when people completely change course: they switch careers, move somewhere else, get married, have a child, go back to school, get divorced, a family member or a close friend dies...or sometimes a combination of these things happens. Major life events happen before and after a Saturn Return, but my understanding is that whatever happens during this time period is a significant directional shift. It's a life awakening, a rebirth. However, this time period is tricky. The universe is pushing you in a direction toward your fullest self, but it presents obstacles. The key is to follow what you truly want to do and to go through those obstacles. If you don't - if you do what other people want you to do or what you think you're supposed to do - you spend the next decade or two trying to rectify it.

My Saturn Return technically began April 6th, but it kicked into gear around the end of the month. I was getting ready to take an accounting class when I felt a strong internal pull to begin ballroom dancing again. Interestingly, a coworker I didn't care for was pushing me back into it and I was silently resisting...until I saw a practice room. Looking at the mirrors and floor, a light went on and I couldn't stop thinking about it. I was also in a position where I could afford dancing for the first time in years due to a promotion in early 2016. Time commitment wasn't an issue either, as my boyfriend was working so much that we barely saw each other anyway. I needed a direction in my life and this seemed to be it, and the universe apparently agreed. Within a week, I found a partner, coaches, a practice space, and a plan. I was going to dance again and not only that, I was heading back into competition...something I believed I had given up for good.

Over the course of 4-5 months, my life seemed by changing at lightning speed:

- I started dancing again and found myself the happiest I'd been in years (a deep sort of happiness). At the time I made this decision, it felt very risky. Instead of using my newly attained promotion to go back to school, I was choosing to spend all my extra time and money on dance practice and lessons. Earlier in 2016, I had an astrology reading and my astrologer said that any decisions I made during this coming birthday year will impact the rest of my life. So of course the decision to forgo school and career development caused me anxiety. However, after talking with her again informally, she said the best thing I can do is follow what I desire. So I dropped the accounting class and have not regretted it. I've developed a sense of confidence that things work out in life the way they're supposed to...and I have to say that my quality of life has gone up immensely since I've started dancing. There may, in fact, be opportunities for me in the dance world...ones that would satisfy me (emotionally and financially) more than a career in accounting. Or - even better - maybe some new surprise that I could never guess will come up.

- I broke up with my boyfriend of three years. He's a good man, but our lives were going in different directions. Whether or not he wanted to admit it, his life was his business and he didn't have a lot of time for much else. Leaving him was very sad and a few times I wondered if I should have tried to stay. But I had waited two of those three years for him to change...to have time for me...and I didn't want to wait anymore.

- I started a relationship with someone new. The contrast between the last relationship and this one is stark and the difference amazes me every day. Before, I was constantly trying to fit into someone else's life and be convenient for him - not make demands, be flexible for his schedule, and be understanding when things fell through (which was often). I was caught quite off guard when this new person I started seeing asked me for more time together and went out of his way to make this possible. He doesn't want me to fit him, but instead changes his life so that we fit together. For instance, he wants me to have a place for my things in his house and he drives to my house every morning to take me to work...because he wants to. More than all this, though, he talks about the future as though I will be a part of it. He's optimistic and speaks with a sense of permanence about our relationship, which I appreciate. Regardless of how long we do stay together, I like this sense of permanence because it makes me feel wanted. For the last two years, I didn't feel wanted and I struggled with that every day. In this new relationship, however, there is no question of that.

I don't know how long it takes to move out of the Saturn Return growth period, but I have a feeling it isn't over and additional significant changes are going to occur in the next year (hopefully with my career??). We shall see and I'll keep you posted.

The Anti-Passion Trail

I'm trying to instill the anti-follow-your-passion mindset in myself. It seems that some people do good by this type of thinking and some don't. Apparently I'm one of the latter. I just end up confused and anxious when I think about my "passions." I've been watching a few videos and listening to podcasts this last week on NOT following one's passion and they have offered some key insights:

1) Mike Rowe on "Behind the Brand." Mike Rowe is the host of Dirty Jobs on the Discovery Channel. His position on work is that you go in the opposite direction of everyone else, because that's where the money is. Hence, Dirty Jobs is about people who make a living doing work no one wants to do and many of them are millionaires. Mike himself actually looked for likely-to-fail projects in Hollywood; this way he could work for a few weeks and then take a few weeks off. However, the main takeaway I received from this video was that you need to figure out how to monetize your work. That is the bottom line. No matter how much you love what you do, if you're not earning money, you're not eating. The people in Dirty Jobs found an opportunity to make money, became good at it, and then learned to love it.

A similar idea is discussed here:

2) Reply All Podcast: Perfect Crime. The guys on Reply All reported on an actress and a long-running, but terrible show in New York called "Perfect Crime." It has bad reviews, yet people keep seeing it. The whole setup is a different way to define success - even though the show is awful, it manages to continue running and cast and crew remain employed. Not a "passion-filled" operation at all; it's paradoxical, but it seems to be working.

Next was:

3) Ben Horowitz - Commencement Speech. The part I liked best was his observations on following one's passion (around 8:00): passions are hard to prioritize (Amen!), what you're passionate about now may not be what you're passionate about in the future, you might not be very good at your passion (think American Idol), and following your passion is very a me-centered view of the world. He suggests, "Follow your contribution. Find the thing you're great at, put that into the world, contribute to others, and help the world be better."

So this speech helped explain why I become anxious when I think about following my passions- they are many and can change. Still, there is the question of, "What do I choose?" I admit that I'm not game for doing a job for only the sake of money. I'm not interested in a "dirty job" and I don't have a particular knack for computers or engineering.

4) Elizabeth Gilbert suggests following your curiosity. (This is a really beautiful speech, by the way.)

The things I've been good at most of my life are writing and performing. However, writing is more of bi-product of my life and I burned out on theatre and dance. I'm still into language and performance - like speaking and radio - and business and personal finance (I'm not a numbers person, but I like learning about money management)...? I guess I could start there? Maybe I should make a list of all the skills I want to develop and just start working on them.

Finally, there is the employment environment question. What kind of arrangement is good for me? I stress out a lot when I have to search for my own paycheck (freelance work). So I need a structured environment and steady paycheck (at least right now)...but my current situation is not ok with me for the long-term. I do not want to be an assistant to anyone. Eventually, I want my own projects, my own work, and my own brand. But how do I get those without throwing my salary and healthcare out the window?

I happened to glance at an email from Chris Guillebeau, author of The Art of Non-Conformity. Loved that book. I'm signed up for all his emails and even attended his World Domination Summit 2.5 years ago, which was great. He's coming out with a new book in April and I checked out the website. Interestingly, the website contains a quiz about working style: http://bornforthisbook.com/. I took the quiz twice. The first time, the result was kind of true...it determined that I was an "Independent Creative." However, I think this is something I want to be in the future, not right now. Eventually, I want to break away from the corporate world, but not yet. I retook the quiz and the second time it gave me, "Dynamic Organizer," which seems to fit very well, actually. I like and need structure within my workplace, but very much want a "side hustle," as they call it. So this is my answer to the work environment question.

Some of you may be asking about the business school thing I wrote about in December. I started studying for the GMAT full on and then became confused after three weeks. I wondered if I was doing it for something to do. My pace then slowed as I struggled with the math content and finally stopped for a week as I tried to collect myself. I think I might pick it up again just so I can take the exam and not quit. I hate feeling like a quitter and I don't want to add yet one more thing to that list. People accomplish lots of things every day and I feel like I can't even accomplish one. The trouble is, I also have a side job coming up soon that I agreed to do for someone, so my studying is going to slow down anyway.

I think my question now is, do I make business school my "side hustle" or focus on some other interest? ....geez...I don't know.

If anyone has thoughts on anything I just wrote - not necessarily about what I should do - please share!

GMAT and Coursera

Studying for the GMAT is intense. It's taking up most of my free time. Though I need to review some things in the verbal section, I'm confident about doing well in that section. My skills in the quantitative section, however, are deplorable. I look at questions and say, "I have no idea...and I have 10 seconds left to pick an answer." It's a little disheartening and studying for it makes my head spin. However, I'm not planning to take the GMAT until June, so I have some time.

In the meantime, though, I've signed up for a course on financial accounting through Coursera (pronounced like kor-Sarah). Starts in two weeks. I'm taking the free version, so it isn't for credit, but I'm super excited about it. It's an intro accounting class taught by someone at the Wharton School of Business. I'm so tempted to sign up and pay the money for their "business specializations" certificate (which includes marketing, management operations, finance), because I geek out every time I read through the descriptions - it's everything I want to learn!! Last night I was listening to a new episode of Startup and I was reading producer bios. I thought, "I wish I had the creative curiosity about reporting and audio tech to do what they do..." *Sigh* But then I explore these other business courses and the excitement is definitely there. I'm looking forward to the future.

But for now, back to practice questions and study videos... :-S

Amy's Year in Review 2015

A lot has happened with work this year, so this review will focus a lot on my professional life.

2015 Challenges

Breakdown/personal crisis in January. 2015 hit me hard right off the bat.

Short-staffed February to April at the office. I was taking on so much extra and the stress was upsetting me physically: breaking out, couldn't sleep, binge eating.

Dealing with people exploding/unloading on me, being demanding, and giving me tasks that I felt were inappropriate (e.g. writing his/her letters of recommendation) but to which I couldn't say no.

Figuring out what to do with my life. I've felt so restless this year and frustrated with my job. Sometimes work was crazy and sometimes it was boring. Either way, I do not see the UA as my end all be all. This year I've wanted more out of life, but felt constrained by my lack of transportation and money. I've been lonely for friends and agitated in my search for life-purpose fulfillment.


2015 Successes

Going home for two weddings and introducing Mike to my family at one of them. He was nervous and stressed a lot of the time (because he wasn't working), but we managed to get him out on the dance floor a few times (thanks to an intoxicated sister ;) ). I was glad he was there and he said afterward that it was a good trip.

Taking a family road trip to Wyoming. Being in a truck with family for hours on end was actually kind of fun, and Jackson Hole was a win for everyone. I hope we can do another family trip this year.

Cycling a 68+ mile ride. I've never hated wind and being the middle of nowhere in the desert so much. I'm not going to do any hardcore cycling again for a while, though I still find hills (both up and down) exhilarating.

Earning a very nice - and very needed - promotion at the end of the year.

Building a reputation as very competent, dependable employee. We've been through a couple mini crises this year, and I'm proud of the fact that people have come to depend on me because they know I will get the job done and it will be done well.


Things I've Learned

1) Build relationships with people at work, even if it's in small ways like favors or telling jokes. This could benefit you in the future.

2) Ask for help. My job is a balancing act between serving people and letting them walk all over you. Because I can't really tell people "no," I've learned to reach out to other admins to help me accomplish a task. There are many times where we pick up each other's extra work.

3) At the same time, I've learned that there is a line. Watching people take advantage of someone who was always open to everyone and couldn't say no has shown me the toll it can take. I will not be a doormat.

4) My supervisor Maria is amazing. Her work is stressful in that she's often cleaning up the mistakes of the Chairman (he missed a meeting or didn't clear travel approval before he left) while assisting in running the department. However, she doesn't forget her admin staff in the process. She wants what is best for us and trusts us all completely. She has no desire to micromanage. Once I asked her about the gates to the research area of our department (there's a changing room there that I like to use when I bike in the morning). I mentioned that sometimes security locks it at night and then doesn't unlock it in the morning, which is frustrating for me. "You need a key!" She said. "I didn't know you didn't have one!" And there was a key for me the next day. No more questions asked. She also encourages us to grow in our careers, even if that is outside of Medical Imaging and the university. Discussions have taken place between her and individual admins about looking for work elsewhere (for monetary or other reasons). She's told me that if I ever needed to move, she would gladly provide a reference. We need to do what is best for ourselves, she says.

Little by little I've been working on adopting her mindset...being trusting and supportive of an employee as a person (not just an employee for the department) and not micromanaging. I hope to be like her if/when I become a manager.

5) I bought a 4-inch memory foam mattress topper for myself. It's made a difference for sure and I look forward to going to bed now.


Goals/Thoughts/Desires for 2016

I'm going to be working with an especially dramatic and controlling person here on out - until the end of my time at Medical Imaging most likely. My goal is to learn how to work with her without losing my mind. I think if I can do that, I can do anything.

I've started doing 30 minute workouts in the morning at home. They combine strength training (using mainly body weight) and cardio. Plyometrics is almost always involved. They've made a difference in my strength and they make me feel good. My goal is to build a habit of doing this six days a week.

I am also making a habit of reading something intellectually stimulating every day - like a journal article on science, business, health, culture. I want to be more intelligent about my world and consequently more engaged. For instance, I just read about the health and financial/political crises happening in Brazil: the first female President faces impeachment for hiding budgetary issues and a virus (Zika virus) that causes microcephaly (small heads) in babies is spreading through the country via mosquitos. On top of that, the Olympic games is due to be in Rio this summer. These are important things to know, because they could eventually affect us in the US. I'm making the decision to be more informed and exercise my brain just as I do my body.

It's been a year since I've been to the cardiologist. I might try to find a primary care doctor and get a check up on my cholesterol situation. I know my vitals all seem to be good - super low heart rate, good blood pressure. It couldn't hurt to follow up, though.

As you read here, I've decided to pursue business school instead of a car. My first goal through June is to study for the GMAT. The intensity of this exam process didn't sink in until yesterday when I was setting up a plan. I was thinking more about business school, as well, and I became afraid. I was afraid of debt, disrupting my routine, and lack of sleep. I was afraid of the competitive atmosphere and being behind everyone else. I'm not practiced to think strategically in business! I was afraid of the realization that maybe I wasn't good enough to be there. Why did I want to go to business school anyway?? How am I going to answer that question in essays, interviews, and conversations at work? I'm not panicked right now, but these are things I'm going to work out over the next few months. The thing is...the more I think about business school, the more scared I become and the more I want to go. It's an emotional tennis match. All I'm going to say is, let's get through round one of the GMAT and see how things go.

Over and out. Bring on 2016.

Podcast "Startup" + Greatness Plural

After having that conversation with Mike a while back about greatness, I decided to explore podcasts more. I listened to Ira Glass talks, This American Life, TED Radio Hour, Planet Money, Reply All, Death, Sex, and Money...but I just couldn't get into them fully. What I wanted was a story in which I could invest myself, stretch my brain, and possibly learn. Was I asking too much? Was I missing the point? I wanted something to inspire me to create. These are all considered excellent podcasts - the top ones on the internet. Yet, I was not satisfied. I did enjoy listening to Ira Glass and hearing about the making of This American Life. He discussed how art and business were more closely aligned than one might think and gave examples of the lengths the team had to go to in order to get onto stations. I noted their methods.

While looking at Reply All episodes, I thought I would learn a little bit about the media company producing it, gimlet media. I saw they had a podcast about just that, called Startup, in which the founders documented their experience starting a podcasting company. Intrigued, I began to listen. Alex Blumberg - the idea man behind it all - couldn't come across as more genuine. He recorded everything: humbling conversations with his wife, awkward meetings with a potential partner, and pitches full of stammering. Sometimes the episodes were painful to listen to. However, this was exactly what I was looking for: it was a story over several podcasts and I was learning something. From the first episode I felt a spark ignite, but I couldn't place my finger on the cause. Was it the content of the podcast, the aspect of building a business? Was it the making of the podcast itself? Was it the personalization of the story? I do know that when Alex introduced the audience to Chris Sacca, a mega investor, I liked him a lot. I wished he had more air time, because I wanted to learn more about his side of investing in businesses. I also wanted to hear more from Matt Lieber, President and co-founder of gimlet. He was the business man with experience consulting companies.

After making it through all 19 episodes, I felt a sense of conviction about my next steps. I wasn't so interested in chasing down stories or content. I was interested in understanding how the business worked, and I liked this - media business. I started pondering how I could get myself into a company like gimlet media...

I've thought about going to business school several times. However, the thought usually fizzled out, and I think it's because I was unable to see where it could take me. Now, however, I saw a possibility I liked.

Two years ago, I went to a conference full of entrepreneurs and creative people. Many had a startup or wanted to create one. I struggled to get on the same page with them as far as ideas. After I had been home for several weeks, I came to the conclusion that I was not the idea person and leader. I simply wasn't seeing problems to fix. However, I believed I was the one who could promote that person and be an account manager, which was more or less what I did at my then-job. Later, after watching Mike and getting a glimpse of his business, I think I could also be the one to help keep the idea person in check with numbers - I like working with money and I like spreadsheets.

I've given you all many plans about my future and I wouldn't blame you if you sigh in exasperation again. However, I think I'm going to give the business school thing another shot. My goal is to start in 2017. I calculated that if I save every extra penny, nothing disastrous happens in the next year, I pass the GMAT on the first or second try, and the program doesn't raise its prices, I could have enough saved to pay for it all within two years. I would also need to forgo a car for probably another three years...which hurts so much to write. You have no idea.

A few posts ago I said I wanted to be great. I wanted to be a singularly amazing person who does amazing things. However, my best self may not be visible until I am among other inspiring and talented individuals. It is quite possible that my path to greatness isn't what I do alone, but rather what I do in tandem with others. I think that's the way it's done in many cases - greatness isn't achieved by the singular but by the plural.

Greatness

I'm starting to hate when people ask me what I want to do with my life. They want some kind of answer that doesn't include the work I'm currently doing. Yet, when I give them an answer, they don't always comprehend it or how it could turn into a source of income (e.g. writing). In particular, I'm thinking about the doctors I work for. No, I do not want to go into medicine or become a physician. Maybe it isn't the question itself, though, but rather who is asking.

Mike, my significant other, asked me today what I want to do. We were having lunch and it kind of came out of nowhere. He doesn't often ask me point blank about my aspirations.
"What I want to do?" I repeated.
"Yeah."
I sighed. There are several things I want to do. I explained my battle between Pragmatic Amy and Creative Amy and how they do not want to work together.
"The reason I ask about what you want to do is because you're in a situation where you have a benefit - furthering your education for cheap - and I'm wondering if you are interested in using it." he said. I told him about how I almost applied for a graduate school program, but it made Creative Amy want to cry. I liked writing, business, and...I didn't know how I felt about creative writing.
I went on, "At work, people tell me that I'm good at what I do and I'm very organized (even though that makes me laugh inwardly). They say I would be good at residency management and that it would be a good career path. But I feel like...that isn't enough." I paused in hesitation, debating whether or not I wanted to admit what I was thinking. It couldn't hurt to be honest. "I want to be great." Breathe. It's out there. "I don't want to be another person in a system, on a track." I then continued my back and forth volleying about taking a practical route (management, business) vs. finding my "greatness"...which may not be so practical.
"Well, my input of little value is that greatness is nearly impossible to achieve without passion," he said. "I think you have to the tools to achieve greatness...you just have to figure out what that is." That was nice to hear, but I still didn't know how to dig myself out of my hole.
"I envy people who know what they want, even if they don't know how to get there." I said.
"I sometimes envy people who don't know what they want and just live one day to the next."
"What? Why?"
"It must be a blissful place to be to not have goals looming in front of you."
"There may be some like that, but there are also others who live one day at a time and go on crazy adventures." I told him about my friend Charlie who lived in the moment and somehow worked his way over to Hawaii. He now surfs and bikes all the time, but I have no idea how he earns a living. "Even if they don't have goals, they're still living interesting lives. The cost, however, is that finding (i.e. paying for) your next meal may be one of those adventures. I've been broke before and I'm not willing to sacrifice that comfort for adventure. ...Yet these people have stories."
"Is that of value to you? People's stories?"
I thought for a moment. "...yeah."
"If you could construct an adventure, what would it be?" he asked. That's a big question, I thought. Travel would be part of the adventure, of course. But not just traveling around as a tourist. I wanted to learn about people from people.
"I would like to work...kind of as a journalist." I said. I hesitated using that word. There was something about this conversation that made me feel like I was hitting something deep. Kind of like going to a place I didn't let myself go, but kind of wanted to. "I'd like to write about the ballroom world over in Europe, which is treated more like figure skating and gymnastics: a cut-throat sport rather than a fun, show activity. Or maybe write about people in the fashion world or other professions (culinary, sports, performance, the beauty industry...my mind was thinking...really get raw with these people and discover others what their worlds are like).
"Could you write people's stories? Even if you start locally?" he asked.
"I suppose. I mean, I've done it before when I worked at the hostel. But back then people came to me (they stayed there and I just started conversation). I suppose I could try to get back into tourism..."
"You could just interview people in town without disrupting your whole lifestyle. You could write about whoever you wanted and find a common thread to connect them."
"I guess I could do that." Will I need a car?
"I don't know...you're good at writing and I like the way you think. From what I know of you and from your writing that I've read, I know you have an analytical mind: you don't take things at face value...you ask why. You know there's something beneath the surface. Telling people's stories could be something you're good at." I had that feeling you get when you wanted to do something but were afraid of failure.

By now the server had returned with our processed check and credit card and it was time to go.

When we arrived at my house, he said, "You like Serial and podcasts like that, right?"
"Yeah..."
"Well, when I listen to those, I hear you in the background."
"Like in the writing of the podcasts?"
"Writing, producing...and - maybe it's just my opinion - but you have a nice voice. You could tell these stories about people and podcast them." I felt a smile surfacing as I thought about it. I liked the idea of producing podcasts. I've thought about it before, but I didn't know what to talk about, so I set the idea aside. Maybe I should think about it again? It could be part of my path to greatness, whatever that turns out to be.

Job proposal

As people gradually found out yesterday that my coworker - Norma - was leaving, the more they moped and said things like, "No one will be able to replace her." A few asked me if I was going to take over her job. All I could say was, "I don't know what they have planned."

Later in the morning one of our faculty members, Dr. T, came to me and said how it was very important to her that I keep the medical student program. My heart sank, because I couldn't do medical students and be a residency manager at the same time...and whatever Dr. T wanted, usually Dr. T got. She also voiced how her relationship with Norma was very good and that she met all of her deadlines because of her (and Dr. T "had a lot of paperwork to do").  Also, the MSK fellowship was a success because of Norma. She's had six assistants in the past who did poor jobs of maintaining her work and she needed someone she could trust. Therefore she told Marcos (our executive administrator) that she wanted me to keep the medical students, take on the MSK fellowship, and be her assistant - but only if I relinquished my duties as a scheduler and runner of odds and ends for the 25 other doctors. I nodded hesitantly. This is exactly what I did not want. Dr. T is a micromanager and a person very much set in her ways (she's also stereotypical Eastern European). She likes her systems and wants everything done her way. When I first started working at Medical Imaging, she freaked out because, while she was away, I put an envelope in her mailbox and sent her an email letting her know it was there. She proceeded to call all the managing admins letting them know what I had done, asking what the envelope contained, and insisting that all mail be given to Norma only. We've gotten along better over the year and a half, but her insecure need to exert control was not something I wanted. She asked me if I was interested in doing this work for her, but it came across more like, You can answer however you want as long as it's my way. I managed to be noncommittal and said it will depend on what the administration wants to do with me. She agreed and said it will depend on what they want, but if they gave me a choice she wanted me to know that she'd put a claim on me (my paraphrase). I told her I'd think about her proposal.

This stressed me out...in addition to simply applying for the residency manager job. The qualifications for the position were hefty. I was sure I could do everything, but the learning curve would be steep. I imagined that if I did get the position, I would have early mornings and late evenings just to keep my head above water, at least in the beginning. Yet, somehow I found myself willing to risk the added stress for the paycheck and additional responsibilities. I was bored with my work and wanted more. My coworker Samantha was trying to hand over to me her work with the expense accounts, which I would have taken had Norma not left. But ever since the announcement, things have been scrambled, and Amy has been placed in the position of Pawn once again (the first time was when the fellowship coordinator left earlier in the year). I wanted a say in the matter before people put me some place because it was convenient for them. I saw Marcos a couple times that day, but he never mentioned anything to me.

Toward the end of the day, Dr. Gilbertson, the residency director, called me into her office to chat. She explained how Norma had mentioned me taking over as residency manager, but she thought the job would be too much for me right now since I've had no exposure to it. She didn't want me to be overwhelmed and set up for failure; part of the reason Norma was leaving was because the job was too stressful for her. Dr. Gilbertson proposed instead that I become a residency coordinator, or right hand to the manager. That way, I can learn about the residency without taking on the full responsibility of it. I can also continue with the medical students and take on the MSK fellowship. No doubt she had been talking to Dr. T as well. I was ok with this, though. I felt it would be enough without being too overbearing. Furthermore, the position would allow for "upward mobility" - as Dr. Gilbertson said - if I became TAGME certified; I could then potentially move into a managing position if I chose. I was ok with this too.

I then turned the conversation briefly to ask how Dr. Gilbertson was doing. She said she was doing alright, though she had her moments. I could see sadness in her eyes. She had worked with Norma for 10 years. Norma was not only her colleague, but also a friend. Dr. Gilbertson and Dr. T were both on the verge of crying when they talked about Norma leaving. She was very special to them. I questioned, though, whether Norma felt returned the feelings...whether she actually thought of them as friends or simply interacted with them as friendly superiors. This is only a guess on my part, but the latter seemed more true than the former from what I observed. Granted, I only saw a small scope of their relationship.

We turned the conversation back to the coordinator position and Dr. Gilbertson said she would push this idea with Marcos.
"Then maybe you can work towards a car!" She smiled. She knew I wanted one.
"Yes," I said. "That is the plan, actually." She asked about my plan and if I was getting closer to achieving it. I told her I was...slowly. I said that I wanted to see what would happen within the next year and what kind of work came my way. I was given a small raise in July, but if within this coming year I wasn't earning enough, I would need to start looking elsewhere...because I did want a car. She picked up the piece of paper with the job outline and said, "So this is timely then?" "Yes."

I enjoyed my chat with Dr. Gilbertson, and it felt good to let someone in on my world outside of work. However, talking with a doctor about upward mobility as a coordinator seemed superficial and slightly paternalistic. Clearly, the way she achieved upward mobility was by going to school for 9-10 years. The standard salary of an academic radiologist is $310,000-$350,000. Amy makes less than $30,000. My "upward mobility" is pennies compared to hers and it struck me as a joke to even use that phrase. Being a coordinator is not where I plan to lay my career.

After returning to my desk, Dr. T came in and asked if I'd thought about her idea for me. I told her what Dr. Gilbertson and I had discussed: taking on part of the residency - "and the rest with me," she cut in.
"Well, continuing the medical students, and taking on the MSK fellowship."
"And being my assistant."
"She didn't exactly say that -"
"That's what she meant."

In my head, I gave an exasperated sigh. Dr. T started talking again about Norma and the work that she did and how well they got on for x number of years. I finally gave in. I had part of the residency and that's what I wanted. I decided I could deal with Dr. T if I had to, so I gave her an affirmative answer. There was spring in her usual hurried walk as she left for the day.

When a potential job falls in your hands...

Remember way back when I told my boss that not only did I not want to be a manager for her company but I was also leaving to the UA? My coworker - a manager at my office - did nearly the same thing today. She announced that she would be going to work at a different hospital beginning December 1st, and telling everyone weighed on her heavily. She's a motherly-type person and definitely not the strongest-willed. However, when someone came to her with a job offer that gave her everything and more than our department could, she had to take it. She had been at Medical Imaging for 10 years.

She had told me about the offer two weeks ago and I was under the strictest confidence not to repeat anything. She didn't even know if she would take it. However, now that she's made it official, I couldn't be more proud of her. She had to have some hard conversations with people she's worked with for years. Tears were shed by a few individuals, but almost everyone wished her luck and said this was for the best.

This is where Amy comes in. When she first told me she had been offered a job, she added, "And you could be here," motioning to her office. The last time one of our employees left and people tried to push a coordinator job on me, I pushed back and refused on all fronts. Not this time, though. The thought of taking on the residency excited me. I wanted the challenge and the paycheck (no sense beating around the bush). After my coworker told her boss (one of the doctors) that she was leaving, she recommended that I take her place. The doctor asked, "Amy could work...how do we do it, though? Do we just give it to her?" My coworker said I could earn more if they posted the position, had me apply, and then accepted...rather than simply promote me. So here I am at home working on my resume. I am not counting on getting this job, but I'm definitely giving it a shot. I'm banking on going through everything (application, interview, waiting...) and encountering some tough questions. They may go with someone who has been a program manager before and tack on the assistant part to my work load (and pay me a few pennies more next year). Either way, though, I'm excited to try even if it doesn't work out.

Still, it would be great if two of us came out winners from this situation.

Oh the writing!

September has sent my mind reeling. Things have happened and my brain was going to explode from all the thoughts. However, it hasn't - so I will write them here.

First, my reading has changed. I could barely pick up a work of fiction before, and now it's what I mostly try to read. Mainly because I want to write it. This desire truly felt like it came out of nowhere (though the Harry Potter incident - see previous post - helped it along considerably). My brain has been busily scouting for books and running through ideas like a madman running down the street. I admit that feel so behind. I haven't read fiction in a while and this is part of the equation of getting good at it. So much to do!

Second, I've decided on a career path. YES CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?! I've decided to pursue technical writing/editing as my money-making endeavor. I'd been talking to a friend last weekend and she was telling me about her writing and getting grants. I started thinking about grants...and grant writing...and I remembered a position at the UA for a grant/technical writer that looked interesting to me. Someone in this position would write proposals, help write/edit manuscripts, write for grants, and do other similar work. I decided to research technical writing. Now a week later, I'm a member of the Society for Technical Communication. I've started looking into certification and degree programs, but I'm hoping to talk to a professional and see what kind of education I really need. Arizona State University and Northern Arizona University offer technical/professional master's degrees that I can take online AND I receive a considerable discount since I'm a UA employee (tuition at one of these institutions is $25 for 9 credits...yeah...).

As with everything else, these things could fade, but I don't think they will. Not soon anyway. The reason I believe this is because with everything else I've considered doing, there has been a giant "wall" I would have needed to climb. The wall was made of significantly more education and involved returning to an environment (formal schooling) that I didn't much care for. These barriers don't exist in this situation...which makes a future in writing easier to pursue.

Wishing I Could Stand Still

The 20s are about exploring, but I want to be done and settled for at least a few years. I'm talking about my career. This year, I've managed to convince myself into several. First, I wanted to get an MBA and become a director or accountant of some kind...and then I lost interest. I've thought about becoming a psychotherapist or psychologist (researcher), but again, after a few weeks my attention went else where. Most recently, I've been reading textbooks on human anatomy and physiology and radiology (I mean, I have immediate access to radiology texts so why not?). I was truly enjoying them...but even this interest has waned.

The other day, I posted a question on facebook about which subjects at Hogwarts people would choose as their specialties. It was a random question out of nowhere, and I was interested to see my friends' thought processes behind the decisions they made more than anything. However, once I put it up, I became introspective about myself. It's silly to think that a question like this and the subject (Young Adult fiction of all things) would make me think more deeply about myself. But it did. It opened up a part of me that's been off to the side for a few months.

I think of myself as having two sides. One likes to see structure, numbers, and evidence; it likes to research. The other prefers creativity, expression, and deep thinking. They fight with each other more than they work together. Sometimes I want to be something logical and practical. I want to earn a good living and function methodically at work (stay emotionally uninvolved). Yet other times I want meaning in my career and I want it to be something that taps into a more innate ability and involving more depth.

I couldn't tell you the direction I want to head in right now, but I do know one thing - I want to stop moving. I'm tired of having things slip through my fingers like water. I want to be done with the movement for a few years. I want a solid trajectory and to generally stick to it.

Amy's Year in Review 2014

I enjoy looking over my life at the beginning of the New Year. It makes the time I spent living worth my while, by recognizing all I've learned and how much I've changed. Below is my list of Things I've Learned, Accomplishments, and Desires for 2015. To be honest, I don't know if the things I've learned in 2014 were actually during 2014 or if they were some time before that, but I think they're important so they're listed.

Things I've Learned

1) No human feeling is unique: everyone can experience the same emotions (on varying levels), and it is possible to feel a strong emotion repeatedly. This includes love. This year, I had a tough time changing my mindset from the idea that love is unique and highly exclusive to that it is common and shared.  The truth is, we can love deeply more than once and we love many people throughout our lives. While I kind of knew this from my relationships with friends and family members, being in a close relationship with someone else made the lesson stark: I had to understand that I am a part of a person's life, not the part. That was a tough pill to swallow ("What?! You mean I'm not the only person you've ever cared about?") However, while I've learned that love itself is common, I've also learned that what comes from love is special: the family you create, the lessons you learn about yourself, and the places it takes you.

2) Talking is better than walking. I am a person who tends to cut things off and be done with them when they aren't working out. I've discovered that it's worth communicating your issues/feelings before walking out, especially if the other person wants to meet you half way.

3) Be able to justify your actions. It's a really great feeling when someone calls you out on a "mistake" and you're able to list solid, logical reasons why you did what you did.

4) You look better when you admit to a mistake than when you try to cover it up. Yes, people want something done in a timely fashion, but - at the core of the issue - they want it done right. Asking for help when you don't know is key.

5) You're given "dumb" passes in life (people forgive you when you do something stupid), but they're limited - try not to use them all up at once.

6) Learn how to fix what you mess up, because messing up is a given.

7) Sometimes you can't fix everything, though, and you have let time do the work. We all have people who won't forgive us, items that we've caught on fire and will never get back, and money (ours or someone else's) that we've tossed out the window...I think there's a specific "dumb pass" for that...Regardless, we just have to hope time will heal all emotional wreckage.

8) My body and physical ambitions have changed. In my early 20s, I thought I had figured out the "formula" to get my body the way I wanted it. Now, however, I'm no longer in that stage of post-adolescent-but-still-have-adolescent-body-functionings, and that formula doesn't work anymore. My body responds differently to food than it used to. I'm also less tolerant of being hungry and I don't have the same fascination with body mechanics anymore (aka I'm not ok with eating only a handful of food for a meal and gyms don't stimulate me like they used to). The resulting physical change has been difficult for me to deal with and I have a feeling life isn't going to be generous as I get older.  I'm not giving up, but I'm also learning acceptance...

9) "Finding myself" is over. Thank. Goodness. I no longer look at each opportunity like, "THIS IS WHO I AM AND WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE DOING WITH MY LIFE!" I have a complicated web of interests, but none of them are attached to my identity. I regard the "finding self" stage as the mental puberty of early adulthood: I had to go through it to solidify my identity, but I'm glad it's over.

10) Movies can engage a person intellectually on a deeper level than I expected. They can make you reflect upon your own morals, goals, and thinking patterns. They make you question society. This deeper thinking thing was a pleasant surprise for me. I thought you could only get it - truly - from books.


Accomplishments

Obtained a full-time job with benefits that pays me almost enough to live on (parents still help a little).

Found an apartment that only I live in. Sweet Jesus, I didn't think I'd see the day.

Read several books and watched many tv shows and movies. Who's culturally engaged ??-->>> this one!

Maintained a healthy relationship for over a year (personal record! victory dance!).


Desires/Things to Accomplish for 2015

I'm used to being broke around Christmas and not doing much. This year, I wasn't broke but I did not plan well. I felt like a scrooge when unexpected gifts were left on my desk at work and in my mailbox at home. Next year, I want to be more active about preparing for the holidays (Christmas shopping will happen and cards will be made ahead of time) and appreciate the celebrating on a religious level. I also want an Advent calendar and Jesse tree. Seriously, what's more fun than opening a tiny box every day for a month, pulling out a gift/ornament, and reading an accompanying story? Lots of things, I know, but it's still pretty great.

I want an art project and art skills! I can already see many of you slapping your foreheads - you probably remember the artistic attempts of Summer 2013? Well, I'm back to it again. Right now, the only thing on my list is a kinetic typography video. I'm hoping to have two more projects this year (cards don't count).

Professionally? I'd like to start doing more with communications. I'm going to push to help with the department newsletter and website more. Truth be told, I envy the BioComm department upstairs. I'm sure their lives are filled with tedious work, but I would love some of their technical and creative skill sets.

I struggled with my religion in 2014. I was barely going to Mass once a week, and I developed some riffs with Catholicism. I went as far as looking into various Protestant churches around the city, because I wasn't feeling like I fit in as a Catholic anymore. However, after I went to one such service, I left feeling empty. I immediately missed the richness of the Catholic church, its rituals, and its structure. I like ritual and structure, and I was very appreciative of the next Mass I attended. However, who's to say this couldn't happen again? Therefore, this year I want to read about and engage more with my faith: to start, four books on Catholicism/Christianity.

Health...I'm just keeping on keeping on. Maybe exercise a little more.

I want a group of friends...like from a club I join or something. I don't know if that will happen this year because I can already see myself being very busy. However, I think friends would be a positive addition to my life.


All right, so that is that for 2015. Lots of good stuff happened in 2014, so let's hope that goodness keeps rolling! Do you have any goals for this year or anything you learned from last year that you want to share? If so, please leave a comment or send me a message. Best to you all for 2015!

Please You

A friend pointed out to me once that cared a lot about what other people thought of me and took it to heart. I'm going to take this one step further and say that I enjoy pleasing other people. I like to do this so much that sometimes I lose sight of what I want...because I want what they want. If someone thinks I am a good writer and should pursue that, then I will write-write-write because because it would please them. If someone thinks I would be good at _____, then I should do _____ because it would please them. I bring this up because I'm trying to sort out a direction for me. Every time I do so, though, I have someone else in mind: what would they think of me pursuing this? Is this something I want?

Then again, maybe I should stop sorting and just do. But that's a bit difficult when you want to focus on several different things at one time.

Figuring stuff out

Since the beginning of September, I've felt an incredible loss of purpose. I went from working two jobs - a situation that almost broke me - to working one job, where I now sit idly half the time. The contrast has been a slow whiplash. I went from relieved, to content, to agitated, to wanting to throw things and scream - so much was my frustration. I didn't know what to do with myself to fill the eight hours (though not for lack of trying to find things - but I don't want to discuss that fruitless runaround). I felt completely useless at work and then went home and did chores. My brain felt like it was disintegrating and I felt completely uninspired.

Until I started watching TV. That's right. Specifically, I started watching the TV show, Girls. The show itself is controversial and sometimes I'm not completely on board with the content. But sometimes, I really liked the writing...so much so that I searched out the creator/writer and discovered she also publishes essays for the New Yorker, which unexpectedly impressed me. This series of events got me writing creatively again and thinking about the direction in which I want to push myself. Consequently, I'm using my "empty" work time for massive, reflective/overhaul writing. I'm asking myself about the lifestyle I want and deciding what I want my driving force to be - practical or creative. It's fun, but heavy on the thinking. Good thing I have time.

Taking a moment of silence

for having finished my longest (2 years) and most challenging job of my life. Also the job where I experienced the most professional and personal growth. I'm glad I did it and I'm glad it's over.

Career Dilemma: New (Scary) Skills vs Is This Me?

I am looking for a new job and was advised to put a resume up on Monster.com. I did...and used Careerbuilder.com (which has been more useful).  Consequently, I've been contacted by recruiters looking for customer service and sales jobs. I was confused by this...my background is mainly office administration. However, I looked at my resume again and I realized that my latest experience has been mostly client relations. It turns out that a lot of client relations work is "sales."

I never pictured myself as a salesperson. The pressure of doing work for commission stresses me out a lot. Yet I sell every day. I sell our therapists' skills to new and returning clients, convincing them that someone is qualified to work on them and that they do very good work, actually. I also sell our services to people who are price-shopping: we offer quality over quantity, but we do have some discounts going on...

I really enjoy working with people. I like establishing relationships with them, getting to know what they need, and then selling them services based on where their desires intersect what we offer. I like making sure people feel like they are being taken care of. That is the part of sales I like. 

However, I do NOT like trying to convince people to buy something on a cold-call (think mall kiosks and door-to-door people). Rejection is a large part of the selling work and I don't know how well I can handle it on a repeated basis. 

Yet, I'm interested in it and I like learning about it - the communication involved, the body language utilized - and seeing the broader picture of business development at play. I find myself studying sales/customer service reps that I work with to see how their skills are working on me and what I would do differently. Lastly, I like to think of sales as educating people about a service or product and that it's really a partnership operation: we (the business) have something you want (otherwise you wouldn't be here) so let us educate you on your options and find something that fits you. It's service, really, and I like serving. 

I've got one more thing to consider: it really looks like a lot of my options are to go the insurance route, or do some kind of unsavory cold-calling/commission only route in order to get training and learn this business. I'm also worried that I won't be able to find a company I can support. I need to believe in their product/service before I can sell for them. 

Can you see me selling car insurance?? Really?? What happened to introverted, life-analyzing, writer Amy? What is she doing?

Not writing for money, apparently. She could, but that work doesn't appeal to her. She likes talking to people.

I'd really like to work for Intuit right now. That is my goal company. They're a company that designs software for small businesses and they live and breathe their values. And a position as a sales consultant, inside sales rep, and eventually an account manager with them....it sounds nice. Getting in, though, is like entering a forbidden castle. I need skills to persuade that draw-bridge to lower. 

I have a feeling this is a turning point in my career/life. I have a feeling whichever path I choose will not let me go back to where I came from...and that's a little scary...

Compensation

Today I received an electronic notice that my checking account has $1 in it. While the situation isn't dire - I have a little money in savings and I get paid today - it was a bit shocking. I realized a few months ago that my current income is no longer livable, so I've started the process of applying for other work. One of the hard things, though, is writing out a resume and saying I'm "excellent" and "exceptional" at what-have-you when there is evidence to suggest otherwise. An incident yesterday made me question some of my abilities I want to "sell" and consequently, it has been difficult writing that resume...

This past month, we've had several scheduling errors where clients have missed appointments because of the schedulers/admin. There's a team of three people who do it: me, Judy, and the owner. Admittedly, we all mess up. There are so many freaking details that go along with running the business that it would take a super-human administrative assistant to get the job done perfectly. However, several errors have traced back to my coworker, Judy, who is newer to the job than I am. The owner was getting frustrated. I feel the pressure, too, though and I'm terrified to make a mistake.

Then yesterday, a client called to confirm an appointment for that afternoon and she wasn't in the calendar. We were unlucky, too, because her slot had been scheduled over. Of course, the client couldn't remember when she made the appointment or who she talked to. I've had a pretty good track record with my scheduling for the last several months, and the owner knew she didn't talk to the client...so she suspected it was another mistake made by Judy. There didn't appear to be any evidence either way, though.

Yet I had a sinking feeling in my stomach. I couldn't remember doing the scheduling, but the client had a treatment on the day I was working. It would have made sense for her to rebook that same day. I checked the company cell phone's message history to see if the appointment had been texted in, but the messages had been cleared since then. At the end of the night, I stopped the therapist who would have had the appointment - did she text in the treatment? She couldn't remember, but I asked her to go through her messages anyway, giving her the date. She found it. The appointment had been scheduled during a short text conversation we had had. I must have gotten distracted and forgot to put it in. Now I had to figure out how to handle it. The mistake should not have happened. Period. I've been there long enough to be more attentive than that.

I decided to leave a note for the owner. I explained to her what happened - that it was my fault the client lost the appointment and not Judy's. I said the client should be compensated a free massage (since that is the right thing to do) and I asked that the price of the massage be deducted from my paycheck when she rebooks (she's a regular, so we knew she would). That way the company gets paid, the therapist gets paid, the client - hopefully - feels taken care of, and I can feel redeemed.

I don't know if she'll actually do it, though. In the past, she's let the business as a whole - and probably herself then - eat the cost. So it means I'll have to make sure it's deducted myself.

Anyway, this event was a blow in two ways:
1) My bank account clearly can't handle any more losses, and
2) I'm not as good as I thought I was.
I was considering applying for a job at the university hospital where the stakes were much higher, but I've lost confidence in my ability to step up to that challenge. I was going to be stretching myself as it was - being somewhat under-qualified for the job - but now...I mean this is a hospital. Life and death happen here. Missing an appointment in a massage therapy center is one thing, but I don't know if I could live with myself if I did the same in a hospital...particularly the Children's Critical Care Unit...

So I'm battling two dilemmas now...the $1 in my bank account and the feeling of being qualified...

Judgement Call

Everything was fine until one of our clients called.

"Hi Amy. I want to confirm my appointment today with Megan at 1:00 at the Northwest office." I scan the calendar. Not there.
"I'm sorry, Jim...you aren't in the calendar for today..."
"Well I made this appointment months ago, back when we were scheduling for several dates at one time."
"Let me see...do you remember who you were talking to about his appointment?" I was stalling and sifting through emails, trying to make sure that this was in fact our mistake.
"I think it was [so-and-so],"  he said. I continued to look while he talked."This is the second time there's been a screw-up," he sighed.
"Let me see what I can do..."
I put him on hold and sure enough. There was the email. He had scheduled the appointment back in September. There was his request and it wasn't put in, and now someone else was in his slot. When we no-show on someone, policy is to give them a free treatment. Loss of income. Not good.

Megan, his therapist, came into the room then. She's a very up-beat, smiley person so I let her talk to him while I tried to coordinate something... she's at location A for one hour...needs travel time...he wants an hour and a half...she could be there at 3:30...two and a half hours later than scheduled, but she can do it... With Megan talking, he seemed to be more flexible and we put him into a later slot. She hung up the phone but the job wasn't done. If I were him, this is what I'd be thinking come payment time:
"You messed up my treatment appointments twice and now I'm taking one today at a later time than I had originally scheduled...and you want me to pay full price even though I was inconvenienced...again. Why should I book with you if I can't be sure I'm actually going to get a massage when I ask for one?"Jim's a nice a guy and he never said any of that, but even nice people get frustrated if they don't get the service they're paying for.

Of course the owner was not around and left me to exercise judgement. I went back and forth weighing monetary gain and loss with client satisfaction gain and loss, trying to find a balance between the two. I realized in the short-term that I could skip the discount and hope Megan would smooth things over. She's good at that. We'd get paid for a full treatment, but he would not entirely trust us the next time he did. OR I could give him a discount, maybe get an irritated reaction from my superior when she came in, but the client would walk away happy. This would be so much easier if my boss were predictable - I would at least know the consequences of my actions.

I thought everything over several times. The bottom line, though, was doing whatever would restore the client's trust with us. Trust is an intangible entity that you can't quantify into numbers, but it's that thing that gives you numbers (brings people in) in the first place. So I gave him a fair (and pretty nice) discount.

A few hours after I left work, I checked in with Megan, asking if Jim was satisfied with his treatment.
"Very," she said. "He said we are great. He was very surprised."
"Oh good. I'm so glad. Thank you." Client saved.
"Thank you for helping me with this. I really appreciate it." She added.
"Helping take care of the client?" I was confused...why would she thank me? This is what I do.
"Yes, ma'am."
"You're welcome...but it is my job."
"Not everyone does their job. You are wonderful at what you do and you are appreciated for it."

This was one of those moments when I felt accomplishment in my work and I sensed a turning point in my own confidence in my level of responsibility. At the end of the day, I'm glad I made the judgement call I did...and I felt I could defend it. The best part, though, was being recognized for the risk I took and being recognized for putting a person above money. That doesn't always happen, so I definitely appreciated it.

Amy + Car = OMGCOMMITMENTFEAR

My final months of Wisconsin-living were plagued with 45-minute to one-hour commutes in my car to and from work. I was determined to only cycle, walk, or take public transportation wherever I lived next. Better for my body. Owning a car would also be expensive (gas + insurance + maintenance) and without one, I could put my money toward other things.

Of course, I imagined I would be living in New York...or Europe...not Tucson.

So far, being carless in Arizona has been pretty ok. I've managed to deal with multiple grocery runs every week and a serious impedance on travel. Tucson is spread out and public transportation is not very convenient - the buses close down EARLY on weekends (?!). But being a cyclist, I don't often worry about traffic, parking, speeding tickets, gas expense, car accidents, insurance, or anything related to a car. Living has been pretty manageable. 

However, the longer I am in Tucson, the more I want to meet people and DO THINGS. To do more, I must travel faster. To travel faster, I need a car. In the past, I've cut my losses: "Oh well, I just won't go to X or try to get a job at Y or skip out on Q...something that I like doing :(." I figured that it would all work out in the end. I also figured I wouldn't be here for too long and buying a car would be a hinderance to my moving. 

Yet here I am. Still in Tucson...with limited funds to move anywhere else and a desire to build a better life and some savings right now. 

So I've been thinking about buying a car once I can afford it...which means that I probably won't try to move away soon...which means I'll be here longer...which means previous dreams of living in a different, more cosmopolitan city are questioned now... :-/ 

And there will be more hot-hot summers in my life...ugh. Committing to Tucson in order to build some life is not a pleasant thought, but I think right now it has to be done. 

So here's to buying a car within the next two years. 

How Many Years Do You Want?

I'm ready to sell my soul for a cubicle life in return for a live-able paycheck and benefits. Just sayin'.