Crazy Bride

Hand to God I need a wedding therapist. I can't look at photos and videos of other people's weddings anymore without getting depressed. I look at them to get ideas for what I want and end up wanting their wedding instead. I then get depressed about the choices I'm locked into and sink into the amy-can't-go-on-with-life mode.

When I started the designing process, I had no idea what I wanted in a style. None. When vendors asked me, I gave them a blank look. I must have looked like the most "uneducated" bride. After going through tons of photos and visiting locations, I eventually decided on "elegant desert" - not golf course, not super fancy resort, not urban warehouse, not rustic barn. I liked nature. Tucson nature. However, I've discovered that I prefer either super amazing, scenic nature or fake nature, i.e. a well-groomed cactus garden...next to a beautiful patio and a green lawn, surrounded by a cream-colored stucco wall with a wooden door and mountains in the background. And little lights strung over an outdoor dance floor. However, my venue is not like that - I chose a garden area (albeit, a pretty one) with a cliche gazebo, an ugly stark-white bridge that totally looks out of place, and outdated-looking carpet in the reception area. Tacky. So even though it has some nice areas, overall I pretty much hate it. Sometimes I have 10 minutes of peace and acceptance, but then I go back to hating it. Ibrahim doesn't agree that the venue is an eye sore, so maybe I'm being overly critical. I hope I am, because I'm truly afraid of ending up with an ugly wedding. I've cried over this.

Sometimes I don't recognize myself anymore. In the early stages of being an engaged bride, I wanted something simple that didn't stress me out. I wanted a fun party with my family and friends. I didn't care about flowers, decorations, or what my dress looked like. I had some idea of other details, but I wasn't invested in them. I wanted a good photographer and I wanted to have fun. That was about it. I disliked the idea that my wedding day would be the "most important day of my life" and I did everything I could to keep that sort of thinking away. However, after venturing into the wedding culture for months, I've become one of them...one of those crazy brides. I've had fun, too. I like looking at flowers and hairstyles. I like trying on dresses and thinking about colors. I like looking at beautiful venues. But doing all those things has also been a poison. Our wedding day has taken on more value to me, almost to the point of obsession. I care about everything now. Sometimes I hate things that I've already decided on and want to redo them (I'm thinking about scheduling a third hair trial, for instance, possibly with a different stylist). I've absorbed the realization that this is the only wedding I'm going to have (I hope) and it needs to be beautiful. It's making me want to spend money on things that ultimately don't matter just so I can look like all those other beautiful weddings. I want to look at our photos and not cringe. 

I've been trying my hardest to not come off as a bridezilla, but the feelings are welling up. I want everything to go well and I'm just so afraid it won't - my hair, makeup, dress, venue, photos...everything else. It will probably rain, too, so we can't even get decent nature photos.

I've tried to talk to Ibrahim about this, but I feel like he doesn't get it. He knows I'm sad and he tries to be supportive...but it doesn't help. He thinks I'm going crazy, and I probably am. However, I just want a beautiful wedding. I know I can't compete with people whose budgets are twice the size of mine, but I really want mine to be nice. Really. And I'm afraid it's going to be god-awful. Justified or not, that's how I feel.

Our engagement photo adventure

Originally, I thought Ibrahim and I would have dance engagement photos, because it best represents who we are as a couple. However, as I looked for wedding photographers, I found work done in Sedona and at the Grand Canyon. The images were dramatic and I fell in love with many of them. Since our wedding would be local (and part of me longed for a destination wedding), I decided to do some destination engagement photos and chose Horseshoe Bend (part of the Grand Canyon) as the location. I also wanted to use the opportunity to see northern Arizona and cross Sedona and Antelope Canyon off my bucket list.

In terms of my image for the photos, I already knew what I wanted. It took me weeks to find the dress I envisioned, and then several more weeks to find shoes, jewelry, and to help Ibrahim find a complimentary outfit. I arranged for my hair and makeup to be done professionally so that I wouldn't have to worry about it. At the last minute, I bought a second dress because Ibrahim wanted two outfits and thought a change in color would give a nice variety. It turned out to be a good idea.  

After weeks of planning and probably too much spending on my part, we drove north last weekend. Honestly, I didn't know if things would come together. I put a lot of time, money, and energy into this experience (because "awesome" doesn't just happen) and I wanted our photos to be really good. I feared they would turn out mediocre and that the trip in general would be a disappointment. I was worried that I went too far, and that I was chasing images of magazine quality that just weren't going to happen with our resources. I also felt guilty...like I was dragging Ibrahim through some kind of circus for my own selfish desires. But we were on our way and there was nothing else we could do now.

The morning of the shoot was calm and the afternoon was hectic (for me). Our schedule was as follows:

8:00 am Antelope Canyon tour

10:00 Amy starts getting ready/Ibrahim gets breakfast

12:00 Amy goes to hair appointment

1:00 Amy and Ibrahim look for flowers, don't find any, and drive back to the house so Amy can continue getting ready

2:00 Amy has makeup appointment at the house/Ibrahim gets ready

4:30 Amy and Ibrahim meet photographers

The only thing that didn't go well was my right eye, which watered the entire time the makeup artist worked on my face and throughout the photo shoot. So for four hours. I was worried my foundation would be blotchy and black mascara streaks would be  running down my face. Our photographers reassured me that the issue didn't show up on camera, and if it did, they would edit it.

The photo shoot itself was a lot of fun. I wish I could have my picture taken all the time! The sunset at Horseshoe Bend was beautiful; the colors of the canyon changed from orange to red to purple and blue. It's really no surprise that there are so many photos taken there. Our photographers were great, fun people as well. We all laughed a lot. They told us we did an awesome job and some of the shots they got were "really good." I wanted to believe them, but I was (and am) still a little skeptical. Ibrahim and I also did our clothing change right there at the canyon, out in the open in front of the tourists. But I later realized that most of the tourists were Asian or European, and they didn't care about people changing. The whole thing felt like an adventure, and I walked away feeling really glad we did it. Also, after seeing Sedona and Page, I was glad we chose Tucson as our wedding location. Sedona was beautiful, but it wasn't home. 

Now, I'm excitedly and nervously waiting for the email that our "sneak peak" is available. They choose about 7-8 photos to show you and then the rest come later. I'm hoping my face, hair, dress, our postures, and everything look ok. I'm really nervous, but also dying from suspense.