Yearly Review: 2017 to 2018

Wow! What a year! As usual, let's look at my goals from last year and compare to what actually happened:

Goals for 2017

1) Front splits and side splits. (Stretch goal) - Nope. This did not happen.
2) Make rondes (RON-days) that are level with my head when I kick them in my routines. Neither did this, but I need to work on it.
3) Semi-final in SOMETHING at NDCA nationals this year. (Stretch goal). We only made it as far as quarter final in novice standard; round three for pre-champ standard and novice latin, and round one for pre-champ latin.
4) Do four dance competitions (big, small, medium, whatever). Yes: People's Choice, Galaxy, Chicago Dancesport Challenge, and Devil Dancesport Invitational.
5) Dance a latin and standard routine that I'm not ashamed to post on facebook/youtube. I think I posted a latin routine from a showcase, but unfortunately, that's the only one I liked. Everything else I've danced has been painful to watch. For standard, I'm more willing to post those videos. I'm also looking forward to more videos, because I think my posture has improved by a few miles since my last competition.
6) Successfully rhinestone a standard and latin dress. Meaning, they don't look bad. Yeah, I think this one was accomplished :).
7) Design a practice dress and sew it. (Stretch goal) Ha. No way. The sewing dream has been left behind. I still have my singer (and I still love it), but I just don't have time to learn to sew. I can give it maybe a few hours on the weekend.
8) Make friends at dance competitions. Yes!!! I've made lots of new friends and it's been SO fun!!

Additional thoughts: I think this is the first year I've had solid goals that I believe are attainable. A few of them are "stretch goals" that may be a little ambitious, but they aren't impossible. My only professional goal this year is to not get fired. I need my job to support my dancing habit. I'm pretty excited about 2017. I'm hoping to be in a place I don't expect (in a good way) by this time next year.

I definitely ended up in a place I didn't expect: engaged!
My professional goal at the UA for this year is to, again, not get fired.

Plans and goals for 2018 and 2019

Ibrahim and I have already been looking ahead. He will be teaching three courses in the fall (max load), so that he can take off for the spring of 2019. A friend/colleague of his in England is organizing some kind of semester-long project. If Ibrahim can get funding, he'll make a few trips over there. If he can't, he'll work from home. He's also hoping to get some of his own research done during that time and publish some papers. So fall 2018 is going to be extremely busy for him and we probably won't be competing much. We'll already have two weddings to attend - one being our own. Also, since he has something going on in England in 2019 anyway, we're planning to compete at Blackpool that year. I am not anticipating anything miraculous, but we want to make our first attempt then. Our goal is to go twice before we're designated to senior division.

2018 Goals

1) Final at Nationals in novice standard, both NDCA and USA Dance. We've already pointed out of novice standard in USA Dance, so we're hoping to final. Either way, we have to move up.

2) Achieve more muscular definition. I've been working out at home and slowly building my home gym (which I love!) I really like all the workout "toys": dumbbells, kettlebells, resistance bands, balls, plyo boxes, etc. I enjoy strength training, especially the kind that involves more intricate coordination (combination moves). However, I feel like I've been working out and I still look like a marshmallow. I'm hoping to change that this year.

3) Perform at a charity/fundraising event. We have various charity events in Tucson and I would like to perform at one of them. A lot of professionals will do performances to get students, but I just want to put on a show! Ibrahim and I are at a level where we look like professionals to the laypeople, so I think we could pull off an entertaining performance :).

4) Get married. This seems like a non-fail goal, but I swear...the planning is so hard for me. Every time I think I have a plan, guest list, venue, date, or schedule, things change. I'm hoping things will come together.

5) Get a professional portrait taken. I would just really like one of these. I've been looking for a photographer who I think would capture the mood/image I want.

6) Make more dance friends. I feel like I can't have enough of these.

Main take-away from 2017 and hope for 2018

The message that stayed with me for half of 2017 was to really appreciate life and put myself out there to meet people. This year - as you know - I knew a young man, Nic, who died two months after we met. I knew him for such a short time and yet he left an unforgettable impression on me. He was so open and friendly; just knowing him made me feel good. After he died, I learned that he was like this with everyone and he shared his love of dance with everyone in his community. He was one of the top amateur dancers in the country and there wasn't a haughty bone in his body. I only met Nic because Ibrahim suggested going out with him and his partner; I was too shy otherwise. I nearly missed an opportunity to be graced by his life. Anyway, since his death, I decided I wanted to be like Nic. I wanted to be as open and friendly. I wanted to express love and happiness more and connect with people. Being isolated makes me unhappy, but I'm not always brave enough to step outside my box - what if people think I'm weird or don't like me? Now, I care less. When I think that my life could be taken from me at any day, I want to take advantage and spread light.

My hope for 2018 is to continue the openness and positivity. Of course, I also hope that everyone in my life stays healthy and no tragedy comes upon us.  I want to continue the adventures and I'm loving the unexpected, happy surprises that come up - I hope there are more! :)

Happy New Year, everyone!

P.S. For a photo review of 2017, check out my #BestNine2017 on instagram: https://www.instagram.com/p/BdWRS1VgDSy/

I want to quit my job

I want to quit my job. I am dissatisfied with my work. I thought maybe if I have something outside of work that fulfills me, having a "pay the bills" job is fine. For about a year, it was. However, things for me have changed. I'm starting to feel irritated with/intolerant of things that never really bothered me before: my pay, my work hours, the way one or two people treat me, the trainings and meetings I'm  expected to attend, my new responsibilities, etc. In fact, sometimes I don't want to do anything and get annoyed when people ask me to complete various tasks. However, I keep my emotions in check and do what I need to do. I know it's not my work - it's me.

The truth is, I don't feel fulfilled with my work. I don't feel like I'm growing in the direction I want. When you are working toward a goal and you're on the path you want to be on, you can put up with all kinds of crap: people taking advantage of you, lousy hours, little to no benefits, and low pay. You deal with it, because in the end it will pay off. On the other hand, if you have everything - good pay, good benefits, flexible hours, great coworkers - but don't feel fulfilled, all these things get on your nerves...probably irrationally. That's where I am right now.

The problem is, I don't know where to go or what would make me feel fulfilled. I've been reading a lot of articles on fulfilling careers and career changes, but nothing has sparked an idea. Or a plausible idea. I just know I want to create things. I've thought about photography, writing, websites, and marketing/advertisement. I've also thought about become a dance teacher...but the pay for that quite low unless you're well-known or have serious business skills (aka not a great teacher, but you can sell).

I don't know what I'm going to do, but I want to figure it out soon. I'm increasingly dreading the days I have to go to work and I'm getting cranky. I need to figure things out before I explode.

Sushi with Ron

After one of our practices this week, we went out for sushi for dinner. Our first restaurant choice was closed, so we ventured to another. After we sat down and ordered, we saw one of the local coaches, Ron Montez, come in. For those of you who haven't heard of Ron Montez, here's a brief description of his dancing accomplishments:

Ron Montez is one of the most respected personalities in the dance business. He previously held title as the 7-time undefeated United States Professional Latin Champion. He achieved 4th place in the World’s Professional Latin Championships held at Royal Albert Hall in London. He has reached the final of the prestigious British Championships in Blackpool, England. Ron is recognized as a World class adjudicator, dance coach and choreographer in both American and International styles.

He's also had TV gigs, organizes competitions around the country, and he's received the United States Dance Championships Hall of Fame Award. So he's kind of a big deal. 

We saw him sit down by himself at a table. Ibrahim thought about inviting him to sit with us. Normally, we would have been too intimidated to ask, but I think the fact that Ron was sitting by himself and that he had recently lost his young son, we thought maybe he would like some company. Ibrahim got up and asked him to join us and then went to the restroom to wash his hands. Ron came over and sat with me and while I was glad to have him, I suddenly realized I didn't know what to say. I couldn't ask a man whose son died about a month ago how things were going. We talked a bit about sushi and I hoped Ibrahim would come back quickly.

I didn't have to spend too much time by myself, and Ibrahim was good at keeping the conversation going. I felt like we had one of those rare opportunities to get insight from a dance legend, but I didn't know what to ask. 

Ron shared a little bit of dance history with us and it was clear that he had some strong opinions about Latin dancing. Even though he was a champion several times, he repeatedly said that the British (the ones who created the ballroom style) didn't get it. As he put it, they took dancing that developed in the Americas, standardized it, and then they took it back to the Americas (and the rest of Europe). Ron also didn't like jive. It was "boring" and too technical. There wasn't anything interesting about it for him...it didn't move him. Ibrahim and I realized and discussed later that Ron was more of an artistic, feeling kind of dancer. He danced in a technically conscious way, but he seemed to place more emphasis on creativity of movement. He really liked other variations of swing...east coast, west coast, jitterbug. Jive, not so much. 

"An adult woman jumping around, spreading her legs, and doing kicks in these sleek dresses looks ridiculous. Walter Laird (the father of latin dancing) even said, 'jive is for kids!' It's a kids' dance." 

Mostly, though, I was under the impression that Ron thought the British created a version of dance akin to Frankenstein's Monster: it sort of resembled the real thing, but it was a perverted version and probably somewhat offensive to the cultures from which the dances originated. I don't disagree...I've heard several times that the British saw latin dancing and then made something up that had a latin idea. 

Over time, latin dancers have incorporated more of the original movement of the dances into latin, and I think the progression toward authenticity will continue as dancers look for new choreography. 

Opinions like Ron's, though, put a developing dancer in a conflicting situation. When I first started dancing, I didn't particularly care for latin. I wasn't interested in how it looked or felt. However, after dancing it and seeing it over and over, I became used to it and started to enjoy it. Now, I'm trying to learn the style and fit into its standards so I can compete and do well in competition. Then I'm told things like, it isn't natural or it isn't authentic. It makes me question what I'm really trying to do...if these statements are true, am I really trying to be a good dancer? Or am I trying to fit into an artificial system of standards? I also had a half-formulated question I wanted to ask but couldn't find the right words at the time: how did he value ballroom and latin dancing? It's a world in which he lives and works...it is his whole world, essentially, and yet he seems to think part of it artificial. 

Of course, I couldn't quite frame the question at the time, so it went unasked. I may never get a chance to ask again as we found out Ron is moving to Phoenix next month. Not that we'll never see him again, but a chance for dinner is unlikely. 

Anyway, Ibrahim and I discussed some of these things afterward. Overall, our experience with Ron was pleasant. He seems like a genuinely nice guy. He has strong opinions about styling and some of the money-driven operations in the dance world, but otherwise he is surprisingly humble and approachable. I'm glad we chatted. Also, who knows...maybe he'll remember us better at competitions when he judges ;).

Year in Review 2016 and Looking to 2017

2016 was interesting. Where I am today is completely unexpected, but wonderful.

2016 goals/what I actually did:

1) Read a newspaper everyday/Read facebook every day.

2) Exercise for 30 minutes every day before work/Exercise anywhere from 0-20 minutes before work. Dance for 1.5-2 hours after work. 

3) Study for the GMAT, take an accounting class, start school again/Take dance lessons, begin an interest in sewing dresses and clothing.

4) Deal with a difficult person at work/Turns out she isn't so bad. She's more or less "adopted" me as her child who runs her schedule, fee payments, paperwork, travel, etc. I've learned and continue to learn how she operates and how I can keep people (including myself) out of the "line of fire." But really, she and I get along very well and I appreciate her much more.

I had hoped that my professional life would develop, but instead my hobbies and personal life have expanded/deepened and my life has been very happy this way. 

Lessons Learned

I only have one for this year: I can't force the best path for me; I can only take advantage of opportunities as they appear. For me, the path of happiness came in serendipitous situations. I went through several periods of frustration and felt like I was spinning my wheels, both personally and professionally. To fix the situation, I tried to move in any direction I could: go back to school, preoccupy myself with exercise, think of how I could earn more money...just do something. However, none of my attempts to remedy the situation worked. They didn't excite me about my life. What did work? Seemingly out-of-the-blue moments of luck: 

1) Someone else was pushing me toward dancing. I finally had the money to start again, so I decided to do it and began contacting people. Voila: I had a partner and coaches almost instantly. It required very little effort on my part. 

2) I wanted more friends and people with whom I could do activities and spend time; this came along with dancing. 

3) I thought I would start sewing dresses and clothes. I had dinner with Ibrahim's friends and one of them gave me a machine for free. I've also started talking to more people about dressmaking and it's been a lot of fun...expanding my circle and deepening friendships even more.

4) I started a new relationship with someone with whom I share goals and who compliments my personality/life direction/habits very well. This came naturally from other life changes (dancing!) 

There is a belief out there that you need to take your life into your own hands and steer it to your liking. This didn't work for me. I was pushing in directions that would have sufficed for a decent life, but I wouldn't have had the spark (joy) I wanted. I think our paths have their own trajectory and while we can influence them, we can't force them to our will. There is an end-goal for our souls that we can't see, and to get there may involve being poor or aimless, hating our jobs, being in a dysfunctional relationship, or otherwise feeling unfulfilled. All we can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other - making the best decisions we can - until our opportunities appear...and then grab on heroically when they come against all logic. 

Goals for 2017 - all dance-related

1) Front splits and side splits. (Stretch goal)
2) Make rondes (RON-days) that are level with my head when I kick them in my routines. 
3) Semi-final in SOMETHING at NDCA nationals this year. (Stretch goal)
4) Do four dance competitions (big, small, medium, whatever).
5) Dance a latin and standard routine that I'm not ashamed to post on facebook/youtube.
6) Successfully rhinestone a standard and latin dress. Meaning, they don't look bad.
7) Design a practice dress and sew it. (Stretch goal)
8) Make friends at dance competitions.

I think this is the first year I've had solid goals that I believe are attainable. A few of them are "stretch goals" that may be a little ambitious, but they aren't impossible. My only professional goal this year is to not get fired. I need my job to support my dancing habit.

I'm pretty excited about 2017. I'm hoping to be in a place I don't expect (in a good way) by this time next year.

Suddenly, I was a Supervisor

I had written this back on February 28th, but didn't publish it. It was an important learning moment for me in my career, though, so I want it to be on record.

Let me introduce our main office administrative team to you:

Janet - residency manager

Nilu - fellowship coordinator

Amy - residency coordinator, administrative associate

Melissa - administrative assistant (formerly Amy's position)

Janet came to me yesterday and let me know Melissa was taking time off. She asked me if I wanted a copy of her forms. Two things went through my head:

1) Why would I need her forms? Why would I care?

2) Shouldn't Maria (executive assistant and head admin of department) get the forms?

I asked Janet about this and she said that she (Janet) and I were Melissa's direct supervisors. Umm...what? I was pretty sure Maria was her supervisor. In the past, the previous fellowship coordinator was on the verge of being let go because she had reported to the incorrect person...at least those were the reasons brought against her. Janet had talked to Maria, though, who said that, no, we were in charge: Janet was the manager over here and I knew exactly what Melissa was in charge of and what she was supposed to be doing. Therefore, we were her supervisors. 

I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach. It wasn't that I didn't want this responsibility, I just felt bad because sometimes I lost patience with Melissa. Many times I've wondered why she's asked me certain questions...why can't she take some initiative and figure them out herself? Or I've wondered why she needs help writing an email or why she isn't quick and snappy about things like me. I've always answered her questions, helped her with emails, never mentioned her work pace, but I've been silently judgmental about it. Now that I realize I'm professionally responsible for her...I feel terrible about it. 

Training someone is challenging. I keep trying to remind myself that when I start new jobs, I feel like the dumbest person ever. I repeat questions over and over again and I forget things. There are also things you don't think about...like how to correspond with others appropriately. There's a system of class levels and formality within the hospital and between other academic institutions. You have to learn how to communicate between the classes - how you address people, how you phrase what you want without offending them, or even if you should be sending them email or calling them at all (you don't email chairs of departments directly, for instance - you talk to their assistants). There were times when I asked my coworkers how to say things...because I didn't know a professional way to do so. I forget this sometimes. I forget how much I've learned, especially when it comes to "invisible" skills. 

Overall, Melissa does a great job. She's positive and gets along with the doctors. She does everything they ask and gets tasks done on time. Who am I to complain that she's not high-strung like me about details? Or that she isn't rushing around. Maybe she is...I sit in the back and only see her about half the day anyway.

The Safety of "Natural"

Whenever I come to a professional challenge, sometimes I retreat into the idea that this isn't what I am meant to do...it isn't what I'm good at. I have this belief that the things I'm good at and the things I'm "supposed" to do will employ my natural abilities. However, in thinking this way, I somehow elevate "natural" to the highest power in one's life and then hide behind it. Clinging to what I believe is "natural" allows me to excuse myself from a challenge. I forget about the skills I am very proud to have that did not come naturally to me. I also forget that sometimes "natural" requires an unlocking. When I started ballroom dancing, I wasn't pleasant to watch...I've seen the old practice videos. However, dancing became more natural to me as I put in the hours of training. Sometimes nature has to be constructed, shaped. I'm hoping that curiosity is enough of an indication that a challenging task is worth pursuing.

Amy's Year in Review 2015

A lot has happened with work this year, so this review will focus a lot on my professional life.

2015 Challenges

Breakdown/personal crisis in January. 2015 hit me hard right off the bat.

Short-staffed February to April at the office. I was taking on so much extra and the stress was upsetting me physically: breaking out, couldn't sleep, binge eating.

Dealing with people exploding/unloading on me, being demanding, and giving me tasks that I felt were inappropriate (e.g. writing his/her letters of recommendation) but to which I couldn't say no.

Figuring out what to do with my life. I've felt so restless this year and frustrated with my job. Sometimes work was crazy and sometimes it was boring. Either way, I do not see the UA as my end all be all. This year I've wanted more out of life, but felt constrained by my lack of transportation and money. I've been lonely for friends and agitated in my search for life-purpose fulfillment.


2015 Successes

Going home for two weddings and introducing Mike to my family at one of them. He was nervous and stressed a lot of the time (because he wasn't working), but we managed to get him out on the dance floor a few times (thanks to an intoxicated sister ;) ). I was glad he was there and he said afterward that it was a good trip.

Taking a family road trip to Wyoming. Being in a truck with family for hours on end was actually kind of fun, and Jackson Hole was a win for everyone. I hope we can do another family trip this year.

Cycling a 68+ mile ride. I've never hated wind and being the middle of nowhere in the desert so much. I'm not going to do any hardcore cycling again for a while, though I still find hills (both up and down) exhilarating.

Earning a very nice - and very needed - promotion at the end of the year.

Building a reputation as very competent, dependable employee. We've been through a couple mini crises this year, and I'm proud of the fact that people have come to depend on me because they know I will get the job done and it will be done well.


Things I've Learned

1) Build relationships with people at work, even if it's in small ways like favors or telling jokes. This could benefit you in the future.

2) Ask for help. My job is a balancing act between serving people and letting them walk all over you. Because I can't really tell people "no," I've learned to reach out to other admins to help me accomplish a task. There are many times where we pick up each other's extra work.

3) At the same time, I've learned that there is a line. Watching people take advantage of someone who was always open to everyone and couldn't say no has shown me the toll it can take. I will not be a doormat.

4) My supervisor Maria is amazing. Her work is stressful in that she's often cleaning up the mistakes of the Chairman (he missed a meeting or didn't clear travel approval before he left) while assisting in running the department. However, she doesn't forget her admin staff in the process. She wants what is best for us and trusts us all completely. She has no desire to micromanage. Once I asked her about the gates to the research area of our department (there's a changing room there that I like to use when I bike in the morning). I mentioned that sometimes security locks it at night and then doesn't unlock it in the morning, which is frustrating for me. "You need a key!" She said. "I didn't know you didn't have one!" And there was a key for me the next day. No more questions asked. She also encourages us to grow in our careers, even if that is outside of Medical Imaging and the university. Discussions have taken place between her and individual admins about looking for work elsewhere (for monetary or other reasons). She's told me that if I ever needed to move, she would gladly provide a reference. We need to do what is best for ourselves, she says.

Little by little I've been working on adopting her mindset...being trusting and supportive of an employee as a person (not just an employee for the department) and not micromanaging. I hope to be like her if/when I become a manager.

5) I bought a 4-inch memory foam mattress topper for myself. It's made a difference for sure and I look forward to going to bed now.


Goals/Thoughts/Desires for 2016

I'm going to be working with an especially dramatic and controlling person here on out - until the end of my time at Medical Imaging most likely. My goal is to learn how to work with her without losing my mind. I think if I can do that, I can do anything.

I've started doing 30 minute workouts in the morning at home. They combine strength training (using mainly body weight) and cardio. Plyometrics is almost always involved. They've made a difference in my strength and they make me feel good. My goal is to build a habit of doing this six days a week.

I am also making a habit of reading something intellectually stimulating every day - like a journal article on science, business, health, culture. I want to be more intelligent about my world and consequently more engaged. For instance, I just read about the health and financial/political crises happening in Brazil: the first female President faces impeachment for hiding budgetary issues and a virus (Zika virus) that causes microcephaly (small heads) in babies is spreading through the country via mosquitos. On top of that, the Olympic games is due to be in Rio this summer. These are important things to know, because they could eventually affect us in the US. I'm making the decision to be more informed and exercise my brain just as I do my body.

It's been a year since I've been to the cardiologist. I might try to find a primary care doctor and get a check up on my cholesterol situation. I know my vitals all seem to be good - super low heart rate, good blood pressure. It couldn't hurt to follow up, though.

As you read here, I've decided to pursue business school instead of a car. My first goal through June is to study for the GMAT. The intensity of this exam process didn't sink in until yesterday when I was setting up a plan. I was thinking more about business school, as well, and I became afraid. I was afraid of debt, disrupting my routine, and lack of sleep. I was afraid of the competitive atmosphere and being behind everyone else. I'm not practiced to think strategically in business! I was afraid of the realization that maybe I wasn't good enough to be there. Why did I want to go to business school anyway?? How am I going to answer that question in essays, interviews, and conversations at work? I'm not panicked right now, but these are things I'm going to work out over the next few months. The thing is...the more I think about business school, the more scared I become and the more I want to go. It's an emotional tennis match. All I'm going to say is, let's get through round one of the GMAT and see how things go.

Over and out. Bring on 2016.

Wishing I Could Stand Still

The 20s are about exploring, but I want to be done and settled for at least a few years. I'm talking about my career. This year, I've managed to convince myself into several. First, I wanted to get an MBA and become a director or accountant of some kind...and then I lost interest. I've thought about becoming a psychotherapist or psychologist (researcher), but again, after a few weeks my attention went else where. Most recently, I've been reading textbooks on human anatomy and physiology and radiology (I mean, I have immediate access to radiology texts so why not?). I was truly enjoying them...but even this interest has waned.

The other day, I posted a question on facebook about which subjects at Hogwarts people would choose as their specialties. It was a random question out of nowhere, and I was interested to see my friends' thought processes behind the decisions they made more than anything. However, once I put it up, I became introspective about myself. It's silly to think that a question like this and the subject (Young Adult fiction of all things) would make me think more deeply about myself. But it did. It opened up a part of me that's been off to the side for a few months.

I think of myself as having two sides. One likes to see structure, numbers, and evidence; it likes to research. The other prefers creativity, expression, and deep thinking. They fight with each other more than they work together. Sometimes I want to be something logical and practical. I want to earn a good living and function methodically at work (stay emotionally uninvolved). Yet other times I want meaning in my career and I want it to be something that taps into a more innate ability and involving more depth.

I couldn't tell you the direction I want to head in right now, but I do know one thing - I want to stop moving. I'm tired of having things slip through my fingers like water. I want to be done with the movement for a few years. I want a solid trajectory and to generally stick to it.

Mating in Captivity: Negotiating Intimacy and Desire & Personal Take-Aways

I began reading Mating in Captivity hoping to learn the role of sex in long-term relationships, apart from procreation. I wanted to understand how it fueled marital conflict and how this conflict could be resolved...or even avoided. While reading, though, I discovered the answers to my questions were complex. The author and psychotherapist, Esther Perel, does not give the reader definitive responses, but instead opens the discussion to a big-picture view. She discusses culture and history...the things that mold our perceptions of sex, relationships, and ourselves. So while I was expecting an expert's opinion on relationship dynamics, I found something more beautifully complex - a window into the cultural and psychological shaping of human sexuality.

The main thesis of this book is that intimacy and desire are needed for a fulfilling relationship, but they require contradicting circumstances. Perel states that intimacy needs closeness, but desire needs distance. Intimacy is important because it creates stability: knowing each other allows you function better as a unit. It's also the "caring" part of the relationship - putting someone else before yourself (nurturing them, being responsible for them, etc.). Desire, however, is what keeps a couple romantically interested in each other. It comes from the unknown and the anticipation of what will come. For some couples, this thesis may not be correct. Knowing each other more may create more desire, which is great. Yet there are many who find themselves frustrated because the "flame" has died. For these couples, Perel does not offer a single solution for reconciling desire and intimacy, because there isn't one. However, they can be managed according to each unique relationship, and it comes down to negotiating distance (physical, emotional, and verbal).

In discussing the negotiation between intimacy and desire, Perel brings up numerous points regarding sex and sexuality within society and within oneself. I decided to talk about just a few that impacted the way I thought about relationships and myself.


1) A Person for a Village

In cultures where three generations live under one roof and/or communities are close-knit (everyone knows everyone's business), achieving intimacy isn't an issue. Everyone is probably close enough. However, in our modern American culture, we have an ability to communicate without actually seeing each other. As beneficial as this is, the lack of physical presence may leave us longing for intimacy more than any other generation. Then, when we find a partner, we are at risk for putting too many expectations on that person: to provide stability, excitement, sexual fulfillment, counsel, and friendship...essentially take on multiple and contradictory roles. It is possible for someone to do this in bits and pieces, but one cannot expect a person to fulfill his/her partner completely. When trying to fill the intimacy void goes too far, it could make people needy and/or controlling and also lead to much disappointment.

This point struck me because it shows how some problems in relationships extend beyond the couple...they are results of the culture, not simply the individuals involved. Perel doesn't offer an answer for working around this specifically, but in my life, I'm trying to open my network more to fill the lack of intimacy. Instead of turning only to my significant other, I try to spend more time with friends and talk to my family. When I need to process things and no one is available to talk, I go for a long bike ride. I search for small ways to meet my needs that aren't dependent on my partner. It isn't easy, and sometimes I have to let a need go unmet. However, I try to be conscious of the fact that there are two people in my relationship and that we can't do and be everything for each other.


2) Eroticism as a Map

I used to view eroticism as a repulsive concept - it was vulgar and indecent. Disgusting. While reading this book, I learned I was not alone in my belief...and that I was also incredibly misinformed.

Eroticism is sexual desire, but it's layered and complicated. When you investigate another person's desire (or maybe your own) you find a map of the psyche. Erotic fantasies - no matter how simple or complex - can reveal the way a person perceives himself, how she balances power between her and society, and how he was loved and/or hurt in the past (by individuals or society at large). Erotic fantasies are attached to some of our deepest vulnerabilities, and being able to express them is a way to experience freedom. In fantasies, we are able to go against what is expected of us and be in control of our environment. Demonstrating them to another puts the person in a vulnerable situation. However, if welcomed, it can correct a personal imbalance and satisfy a mental need. Why sex is the vehicle for experiencing this kind of freedom, I'm not sure. Maybe because it's the one thing about our human nature that is most stifled in public. I no longer see eroticism as something that should be suppressed, but rather as a means to better understand one's history and needs, as well as a way to escape cultural pressures and expectations. One could even say it has a healing quality...maybe Marvin Gaye was onto something...


3) Sexual Make Up

In order to understand where a couple's issues take root, Esther Perel has to unfold her clients' histories. She explores the family, religious, and cultural dynamics in their childhoods. Reading these accounts, of course, made me reflect on the role sex has played in the course of my life. For most of it - I'm sad to say - I've held negative and restrictive views of intercourse and eroticism, and only over the past two years have I been unpacking them and their origins. I never realized how much they affected me...the way I interacted with and viewed other people and, more importantly, the way I felt about myself...as a growing, maturing person. There has been a lot of internal pain by trying to keep myself "safe" and within the lines. I've probably perpetuated that pain in others, as well. I tried to pinpoint where my views came from and how they developed, but the truth is they are built into the system in which I live - government, education, religion, and the influence of family and friends. I understand that institutions are in place to keep sex from being misused, but I wish I had been taught differently. I was directly told that "yes, yes, sex is a beautiful and good thing if kept within ____ boundaries and under ____ conditions." However, indirectly, the more powerful message that stayed with me was that it caused problems, it was sinful, and it needed to be contained. I've felt the consequences of this message, and yet I can't blame anyone for it. Tradition is a powerful force and many people pass things along in the best interests of others, especially their children.

Many of us think of sexuality and sex as adult concepts, but it is with us from birth. We are sexual beings even as children, and how people teach us about sex affects our self-esteem, the way we perceive, and how we perform everyday functions. Between two people, sex creates life, but within an individual, sex (hormones, organs, fantasy) lets a person live. Even if a person never sleeps with someone else, sex is still a building block of his/her life. I am just sad that so much shame and stigma is attached to it.



While the primary purpose of Mating in Captivity is to help couples balance intimacy and excitement, it goes beyond offering suggestions for issues on the surface. Esther Perel helps her readers understand that managing the balance means knowing yourself, your personal history, and your culture. The unspoken rules our society maintains, the ideals we come to believe, and our childhood experiences play as much of a role in our relationships as do complimentary values, habits, and attractive features. Beyond self exploration, she invites you to experiment with your relationship...communicate in different ways or change the direction of your daily energy. Mating in Captivity won't gain favor with everyone, because some of the ideas Perel brings up are against the grain (even I didn't agree with all of them). However, the multicultural perspectives she brings to the table are worth reading. I hope they catch on in the United States...for the sake of the mental and physical health of our people.

Helping Many, Hurting One

In Elementary, a modern Sherlock Holmes tv series, Sherlock is a recovering drug addict, in addition to a mastermind. He attends meetings to help keep him sober. During these meetings, he shares with the group his own heartfelt insights about the road to recovery. In one episode, he discovers that someone is publishing his insights anonymously on a blog. He finds the person and tells him to stop - those are his private thoughts. The writer says that remembering Sherlock's words from the meetings has helped him not use drugs in times of weakness, and the blog has helped other people similarly. Sherlock says that may be, but he has come to trust the meeting place as a "vault" where his thoughts can be kept private. If that is no longer the case, then he can no longer attend the meetings. If he can't attend the meetings, he will be vulnerable to use again. Sherlock says, "I depend on every member of this group - including you - to care about my sobriety." Eventually, the writer takes down the site.

This scene affected me deeply, because I write people's stories in hopes that they may help a greater audience. The idea that sharing someone's story could, in fact, harm him/her while benefitting hundreds of others made me feel guilty, sad, and torn. Maybe this kind of sharing is selfish...I'm not actually honoring someone, but rather making him/her a spectacle for my own enjoyment (getting a rush out of writing something meaningful). On sensitive topics or particularly private people, I do take care to think about the person's privacy. However, it is possible for me to cross boundaries. The scene from the show made me question the ethics of something I love to do. It was a little jolting...that having a potential unethical passion can occur for me.

Entitlement

One difference I can make between my last job and working for the university is the sense of entitlement regarding leave time. Because small businesses need to run as efficiently as possible, it's important to have just the right amount of people. This means that when a person is sick or goes on vacation, the business is short-handed and often times panic ensues if the absence is sudden. Inevitably, someone will be working overtime unpaid or handling the additional stress. I remember feeling guilty when I took off or feeling a little resentful sometimes (I'm embarrassed to admit) when someone else did. In my mind was a dialogue that went, "I'm so glad she's taking off (it was a business of mostly women), she deserves it," but then, "Did she have to take so many days?? We are swamped! There's no way I can finish everything!" 

However, at the university, when someone takes off, the resounding response is, "Good for him/her!" Or in the case of someone being sick, "Oh no! I hope he/she is ok!" There's very little or no guilt or ill feelings. Even if there are ill feelings, people seem to keep them in check. It's like a code of conduct for our right: that every one may take time off. These feelings were expressed less often at the small business, or were accompanied by slight resentment that someone was indulging in a luxury. 

Not surprisingly, two different tones are set in these environments, and each affects how you view your coworkers, the value of your work, and the type of goals you have (do you pursue a hobby or catch up on sleep?). In myself, I found the change in all the above striking: my goals are focused more on personal interests (instead of needs), I view my coworkers' attendance and business with more casualty, and - to be honest - I value my work itself less (it's still valued, but I don't have as much heart in it).

Which camp do you fall in and do you find these observations true for your situation?

Amy's Year in Review 2014

I enjoy looking over my life at the beginning of the New Year. It makes the time I spent living worth my while, by recognizing all I've learned and how much I've changed. Below is my list of Things I've Learned, Accomplishments, and Desires for 2015. To be honest, I don't know if the things I've learned in 2014 were actually during 2014 or if they were some time before that, but I think they're important so they're listed.

Things I've Learned

1) No human feeling is unique: everyone can experience the same emotions (on varying levels), and it is possible to feel a strong emotion repeatedly. This includes love. This year, I had a tough time changing my mindset from the idea that love is unique and highly exclusive to that it is common and shared.  The truth is, we can love deeply more than once and we love many people throughout our lives. While I kind of knew this from my relationships with friends and family members, being in a close relationship with someone else made the lesson stark: I had to understand that I am a part of a person's life, not the part. That was a tough pill to swallow ("What?! You mean I'm not the only person you've ever cared about?") However, while I've learned that love itself is common, I've also learned that what comes from love is special: the family you create, the lessons you learn about yourself, and the places it takes you.

2) Talking is better than walking. I am a person who tends to cut things off and be done with them when they aren't working out. I've discovered that it's worth communicating your issues/feelings before walking out, especially if the other person wants to meet you half way.

3) Be able to justify your actions. It's a really great feeling when someone calls you out on a "mistake" and you're able to list solid, logical reasons why you did what you did.

4) You look better when you admit to a mistake than when you try to cover it up. Yes, people want something done in a timely fashion, but - at the core of the issue - they want it done right. Asking for help when you don't know is key.

5) You're given "dumb" passes in life (people forgive you when you do something stupid), but they're limited - try not to use them all up at once.

6) Learn how to fix what you mess up, because messing up is a given.

7) Sometimes you can't fix everything, though, and you have let time do the work. We all have people who won't forgive us, items that we've caught on fire and will never get back, and money (ours or someone else's) that we've tossed out the window...I think there's a specific "dumb pass" for that...Regardless, we just have to hope time will heal all emotional wreckage.

8) My body and physical ambitions have changed. In my early 20s, I thought I had figured out the "formula" to get my body the way I wanted it. Now, however, I'm no longer in that stage of post-adolescent-but-still-have-adolescent-body-functionings, and that formula doesn't work anymore. My body responds differently to food than it used to. I'm also less tolerant of being hungry and I don't have the same fascination with body mechanics anymore (aka I'm not ok with eating only a handful of food for a meal and gyms don't stimulate me like they used to). The resulting physical change has been difficult for me to deal with and I have a feeling life isn't going to be generous as I get older.  I'm not giving up, but I'm also learning acceptance...

9) "Finding myself" is over. Thank. Goodness. I no longer look at each opportunity like, "THIS IS WHO I AM AND WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE DOING WITH MY LIFE!" I have a complicated web of interests, but none of them are attached to my identity. I regard the "finding self" stage as the mental puberty of early adulthood: I had to go through it to solidify my identity, but I'm glad it's over.

10) Movies can engage a person intellectually on a deeper level than I expected. They can make you reflect upon your own morals, goals, and thinking patterns. They make you question society. This deeper thinking thing was a pleasant surprise for me. I thought you could only get it - truly - from books.


Accomplishments

Obtained a full-time job with benefits that pays me almost enough to live on (parents still help a little).

Found an apartment that only I live in. Sweet Jesus, I didn't think I'd see the day.

Read several books and watched many tv shows and movies. Who's culturally engaged ??-->>> this one!

Maintained a healthy relationship for over a year (personal record! victory dance!).


Desires/Things to Accomplish for 2015

I'm used to being broke around Christmas and not doing much. This year, I wasn't broke but I did not plan well. I felt like a scrooge when unexpected gifts were left on my desk at work and in my mailbox at home. Next year, I want to be more active about preparing for the holidays (Christmas shopping will happen and cards will be made ahead of time) and appreciate the celebrating on a religious level. I also want an Advent calendar and Jesse tree. Seriously, what's more fun than opening a tiny box every day for a month, pulling out a gift/ornament, and reading an accompanying story? Lots of things, I know, but it's still pretty great.

I want an art project and art skills! I can already see many of you slapping your foreheads - you probably remember the artistic attempts of Summer 2013? Well, I'm back to it again. Right now, the only thing on my list is a kinetic typography video. I'm hoping to have two more projects this year (cards don't count).

Professionally? I'd like to start doing more with communications. I'm going to push to help with the department newsletter and website more. Truth be told, I envy the BioComm department upstairs. I'm sure their lives are filled with tedious work, but I would love some of their technical and creative skill sets.

I struggled with my religion in 2014. I was barely going to Mass once a week, and I developed some riffs with Catholicism. I went as far as looking into various Protestant churches around the city, because I wasn't feeling like I fit in as a Catholic anymore. However, after I went to one such service, I left feeling empty. I immediately missed the richness of the Catholic church, its rituals, and its structure. I like ritual and structure, and I was very appreciative of the next Mass I attended. However, who's to say this couldn't happen again? Therefore, this year I want to read about and engage more with my faith: to start, four books on Catholicism/Christianity.

Health...I'm just keeping on keeping on. Maybe exercise a little more.

I want a group of friends...like from a club I join or something. I don't know if that will happen this year because I can already see myself being very busy. However, I think friends would be a positive addition to my life.


All right, so that is that for 2015. Lots of good stuff happened in 2014, so let's hope that goodness keeps rolling! Do you have any goals for this year or anything you learned from last year that you want to share? If so, please leave a comment or send me a message. Best to you all for 2015!

Riding from the North

I took an express bus to a road in north Tucson called, "Sunrise." The temperature was supposed to reach its zenith of an estimated 109 by the time I finished work, so I opted for a $2 bus fare instead of cycling across town and up hills. The express stops two miles north of my destination, but riding downhill for two miles beats riding uphill in 100+ degree weather.

As the bus climbed the road leading into the foothills, I watched the sunlight enhance every plunge and profile of the terrain around me. I actually felt anticipation. I'd ridden this path in a car before and I enjoyed it. However, I've never ridden it on a bike, where there is no barrier between you and everything you see.

The ride down was awesome. There was no stopping and almost no pedaling, because the hill let me accelerate the whole way. I could see over Tucson, a low city mostly hidden by light green trees and shrubs. The mountains glowed orange and red-brown in the distance, as the sun moved toward the western horizon. I continued to go faster and faster and hoped the two miles wouldn't end quickly. Being within two different speeds - the fast pace of everything blurring around you and the slowly approaching horizon in the distance - magnifies your senses. There is no glass to interrupt your sense of smell, touch, sight, and sound; and less stability on a bike puts your mind in potential "danger" status...all making you increasingly aware and increasingly present. The northern part of town is already beautiful, but the experience is even greater when you travel like this, unenclosed.

There are times when I really dislike Tucson. The pace is slow, the culture lacks sophistication, the city is too flat and too hot, the population is old, there isn't enough to do, everything is spread out and the transit system cannot make up for it. However, experiences like these let me see its hidden beauty. It can't convince me to stay forever, but it does make me glad I'm here.

Be Allowed to Dream

A friend from Wisconsin was upset that I didn't tell him I was leaving the state until after I was gone.
"You abandoned me!" he said, somewhat jokingly.
"You...and lots of other people, too," I admitted.
"So why did you leave?"
I explained that I wanted to work with a coach who lived here. However, as life worked out, I realized that dancing was to be a recreational thing for me instead of a profession...which is where that path was heading. He responded, "I hate to be a 'Debbie-Downer,' but I knew you wouldn't become a professional dancer." It didn't occur to me at that moment, but I later remembered that that that was why I never told him. I knew he wouldn't encourage me in pursuing something that was "just a hobby" to him. However, I think one needs to be allowed to dream, even if the probability of a dream coming true is low. A person needs room to explore and search, and I try to surround myself with people who will let me do this. I encourage you -- all of you who read this -- to dream, and know that you are allowed to chase it.

On Happiness and What Life Is (shared from a friend)

"Happiness is not an end-goal, but an experience achieved through being fully engaged in the business of living your life..."

and

"...this incubation period that we have entitled as ‘living’ is simply a cyclical process of preparation and learning prior to the next step in our soul’s journey to some currently undefined end state."



So if I may paraphrase...

1) happiness is full engagement with your life, not an achievement
2) "living" is preparation for each challenge we face and learning from its result...all leading to a place we find ourselves going but don't know exactly where it is or what lies there waiting for us.


Thanks for your insights HS ~ http://breakinworld.com/blog/?p=714

Ten Things About Amy - End of 2013 Edition

My cousin asked me to write 10 things about myself for a facebook thing going around. It took me months, but I finally wrote them and I want to share them here, as well.

1) With a few exceptions, I have an attention span of about three months for hobbies/interests. It's awesome and unfortunate at the same time.

2) I find joy in the little things. I just went out an bought a new tube of toothpaste and couldn't be more excited!

3) It's interesting how my ambitions have changed over the years. I used to dream big and hope to impact the world with some amazing idea or feat. However, now I just want to afford my own apartment and groceries. I'm not sure if that's failure or life.

4) I am into bodywork and oriental medicine. They have been instrumental in physical and psychological healing.

5) I live my life behind the trends. I'm completely ok with this, except that when I finally watch Breaking Bad, I won't have anyone to agonize with over the drama.

6) Laughing's my favorite! :-D

7) I can answer a phone like a boss.

8) There was a time when I lived by a rigid set of rules, where things were black and white, right and wrong. You could see that rigidness in my body, hear it in the way I spoke, and feel it when I walked into a room. Now, my life is much softer. I've broken "the rules." I laugh more. I don't paint things as black and white, but as blue, orange, yellow, etc. I'm open to more interpretations of the way life can be. I believe there is a time for rules and rigidness, especially when building a foundation. However, I've learned that there is also a time for expansion, and that one must grow out of the foundation in order to create, be, and live a life worthwhile. 

9) Once, I accidentally dropped a spoon down the garbage disposal while it was running and it now has an oddly-bent shape. It is my favorite dining utensil.

10) I value being healthy. I hope to figure out exactly what that means by the age of 75.

Releasing Anger

I believe people are inherently good...but sometimes I forget it when they hurt me.     It usually isn't until later that I see two were at fault in a falling out, and it's hard to realize that it takes a broken, unpatchable relationship to learn of our flaws. It sucks to think that we have to "go through" each other like boxes of kleenex. It's difficult to see it took a person's pain, discontinued contact, and time to understand that I was wrong...and how I was wrong. And that nothing can be done to heal the gash, except maybe time.

When I moved to Arizona, I was in pain mentally. I see now, too, that I held a lot of anger. I don't quite understand where either the pain or the anger came from, but I'm sure it was a combination of my own inner workings and outside influences. Either way, today I felt as though I had let go of some anger. It came out as sadness - because I saw my past differently - but either way, it's gone.

Gender Roles: Ruling the World vs. Baking Cookies

An observant friend of mine mentioned that the roles of women in American society can be confusing. For instance, you find driven women who run businesses or have high-powered jobs, and yet deep down they struggle with an inner conflict - sometimes all they want to do is bake cookies. Right now I agree with this theory, because I experience it on a less extreme level. On one hand, I want to write books, travel, and change the world. Yet at the same time - in the back of my mind - I still have the dream of marrying rich and being relieved of earning money...where my only responsibility is being a good wife and a "partner in crime." And you know what? I have no shame in admitting that.

Aura

I was waiting at the bus stop and looked up to see if it was coming. Instead I saw a small, young Indian woman (about my age) walking toward me. There was nothing remarkable about her appearance - she was rather plain, actually - but from 30 feet away I sensed a goodness about her. When we made eye contact, she started to smile and I started to smile in return. But then I thought it was weird and stopped. I didn't know this girl. As she came closer, that feeling of goodness became stronger. It was so strong that when she stood next to me, I felt an invisible, but tangible glow around her...a three-foot radius of calm, peaceful goodness. It seemed like nothing negative could touch her.  She made me feel relaxed, and very present. We had a short conversation about when the bus was coming, but I couldn't say much more after that. I didn't know what to make of the situation, honestly. I was a little confused. I did keep thinking, though, that one day I wanted to emanate goodness in the same way.

Happiness Is Less Than Perfect

I often picture my ideal home, group of friends, living location, significant other, family, and job and work toward that perfection. Yet, sometimes the things that make me happiest are the ones that bear no resemblance to my ideal at all.