I began reading Mating in Captivity hoping to learn the role of sex in long-term relationships, apart from procreation. I wanted to understand how it fueled marital conflict and how this conflict could be resolved...or even avoided. While reading, though, I discovered the answers to my questions were complex. The author and psychotherapist, Esther Perel, does not give the reader definitive responses, but instead opens the discussion to a big-picture view. She discusses culture and history...the things that mold our perceptions of sex, relationships, and ourselves. So while I was expecting an expert's opinion on relationship dynamics, I found something more beautifully complex - a window into the cultural and psychological shaping of human sexuality.
The main thesis of this book is that intimacy and desire are needed for a fulfilling relationship, but they require contradicting circumstances. Perel states that intimacy needs closeness, but desire needs distance. Intimacy is important because it creates stability: knowing each other allows you function better as a unit. It's also the "caring" part of the relationship - putting someone else before yourself (nurturing them, being responsible for them, etc.). Desire, however, is what keeps a couple romantically interested in each other. It comes from the unknown and the anticipation of what will come. For some couples, this thesis may not be correct. Knowing each other more may create more desire, which is great. Yet there are many who find themselves frustrated because the "flame" has died. For these couples, Perel does not offer a single solution for reconciling desire and intimacy, because there isn't one. However, they can be managed according to each unique relationship, and it comes down to negotiating distance (physical, emotional, and verbal).
In discussing the negotiation between intimacy and desire, Perel brings up numerous points regarding sex and sexuality within society and within oneself. I decided to talk about just a few that impacted the way I thought about relationships and myself.
1) A Person for a Village
In cultures where three generations live under one roof and/or communities are close-knit (everyone knows everyone's business), achieving intimacy isn't an issue. Everyone is probably close enough. However, in our modern American culture, we have an ability to communicate without actually seeing each other. As beneficial as this is, the lack of physical presence may leave us longing for intimacy more than any other generation. Then, when we find a partner, we are at risk for putting too many expectations on that person: to provide stability, excitement, sexual fulfillment, counsel, and friendship...essentially take on multiple and contradictory roles. It is possible for someone to do this in bits and pieces, but one cannot expect a person to fulfill his/her partner completely. When trying to fill the intimacy void goes too far, it could make people needy and/or controlling and also lead to much disappointment.
This point struck me because it shows how some problems in relationships extend beyond the couple...they are results of the culture, not simply the individuals involved. Perel doesn't offer an answer for working around this specifically, but in my life, I'm trying to open my network more to fill the lack of intimacy. Instead of turning only to my significant other, I try to spend more time with friends and talk to my family. When I need to process things and no one is available to talk, I go for a long bike ride. I search for small ways to meet my needs that aren't dependent on my partner. It isn't easy, and sometimes I have to let a need go unmet. However, I try to be conscious of the fact that there are two people in my relationship and that we can't do and be everything for each other.
2) Eroticism as a Map
I used to view eroticism as a repulsive concept - it was vulgar and indecent. Disgusting. While reading this book, I learned I was not alone in my belief...and that I was also incredibly misinformed.
Eroticism is sexual desire, but it's layered and complicated. When you investigate another person's desire (or maybe your own) you find a map of the psyche. Erotic fantasies - no matter how simple or complex - can reveal the way a person perceives himself, how she balances power between her and society, and how he was loved and/or hurt in the past (by individuals or society at large). Erotic fantasies are attached to some of our deepest vulnerabilities, and being able to express them is a way to experience freedom. In fantasies, we are able to go against what is expected of us and be in control of our environment. Demonstrating them to another puts the person in a vulnerable situation. However, if welcomed, it can correct a personal imbalance and satisfy a mental need. Why sex is the vehicle for experiencing this kind of freedom, I'm not sure. Maybe because it's the one thing about our human nature that is most stifled in public. I no longer see eroticism as something that should be suppressed, but rather as a means to better understand one's history and needs, as well as a way to escape cultural pressures and expectations. One could even say it has a healing quality...maybe Marvin Gaye was onto something...
3) Sexual Make Up
In order to understand where a couple's issues take root, Esther Perel has to unfold her clients' histories. She explores the family, religious, and cultural dynamics in their childhoods. Reading these accounts, of course, made me reflect on the role sex has played in the course of my life. For most of it - I'm sad to say - I've held negative and restrictive views of intercourse and eroticism, and only over the past two years have I been unpacking them and their origins. I never realized how much they affected me...the way I interacted with and viewed other people and, more importantly, the way I felt about myself...as a growing, maturing person. There has been a lot of internal pain by trying to keep myself "safe" and within the lines. I've probably perpetuated that pain in others, as well. I tried to pinpoint where my views came from and how they developed, but the truth is they are built into the system in which I live - government, education, religion, and the influence of family and friends. I understand that institutions are in place to keep sex from being misused, but I wish I had been taught differently. I was directly told that "yes, yes, sex is a beautiful and good thing if kept within ____ boundaries and under ____ conditions." However, indirectly, the more powerful message that stayed with me was that it caused problems, it was sinful, and it needed to be contained. I've felt the consequences of this message, and yet I can't blame anyone for it. Tradition is a powerful force and many people pass things along in the best interests of others, especially their children.
Many of us think of sexuality and sex as adult concepts, but it is with us from birth. We are sexual beings even as children, and how people teach us about sex affects our self-esteem, the way we perceive, and how we perform everyday functions. Between two people, sex creates life, but within an individual, sex (hormones, organs, fantasy) lets a person live. Even if a person never sleeps with someone else, sex is still a building block of his/her life. I am just sad that so much shame and stigma is attached to it.
While the primary purpose of Mating in Captivity is to help couples balance intimacy and excitement, it goes beyond offering suggestions for issues on the surface. Esther Perel helps her readers understand that managing the balance means knowing yourself, your personal history, and your culture. The unspoken rules our society maintains, the ideals we come to believe, and our childhood experiences play as much of a role in our relationships as do complimentary values, habits, and attractive features. Beyond self exploration, she invites you to experiment with your relationship...communicate in different ways or change the direction of your daily energy. Mating in Captivity won't gain favor with everyone, because some of the ideas Perel brings up are against the grain (even I didn't agree with all of them). However, the multicultural perspectives she brings to the table are worth reading. I hope they catch on in the United States...for the sake of the mental and physical health of our people.
Showing posts with label Religion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Religion. Show all posts
Saturday, July 11, 2015
Sunday, February 15, 2015
It will be all right
Already into mid-February and I'm more emotionally stable. I didn't know that leaving Catholicism would have such an impact on me. I'm still confused and I'm still sad, but it's much less dramatic than before. A friend and I had a general conversation about the ordeal today, in which I explained: "Catholicism was my structure (for my life and morality), and I like structure. It gives me a guideline to measure myself against. But when I separated from it in January, my structure shattered into pieces. I picked up the few I still believed in - God, Jesus, and Mary - and left the rest behind. So technically my slate was not wiped clean, but now I don't have a structure."
My situation is a mixed bag. On one hand, I want to find a Christian group to fit into again, but I also enjoy the freedom of being unlabeled. I also tend to feel sad when I go by a Catholic church or when I hear people talk about church in general. However, I don't feel right going back, because I just don't believe what they believe anymore. I feel like an outsider and I have too much respect for the Mass to intrude. I do miss the rituals, though...all the standing, sitting, kneeling, candle-lighting and incense burning that make non-Catholics sick...and I don't know how I will feel about Easter coming around and me not being a part of it. We will have to see; my religion is a work in progress.
My situation is a mixed bag. On one hand, I want to find a Christian group to fit into again, but I also enjoy the freedom of being unlabeled. I also tend to feel sad when I go by a Catholic church or when I hear people talk about church in general. However, I don't feel right going back, because I just don't believe what they believe anymore. I feel like an outsider and I have too much respect for the Mass to intrude. I do miss the rituals, though...all the standing, sitting, kneeling, candle-lighting and incense burning that make non-Catholics sick...and I don't know how I will feel about Easter coming around and me not being a part of it. We will have to see; my religion is a work in progress.
Just know it happened
In my 2014 review, I had written that I was done "finding myself." I didn't flit after every idea anymore, thinking that each one was my life calling. I felt like I knew my mind and tendencies, and I wouldn't face regular identity fluctuation anymore. But I was so wrong: three days later my world fell to pieces.
The collapsing took place over two weeks while a heavy current of emotional pain poured out of me. I don't know how to describe the pain exactly...something similar to when my parents divorced perhaps.
Then everything stabilized...but I felt like I was falling in slow motion, and a numbness came over me. At that point, I realized I was on the other side of a divide. In my mind, I saw a stone wall with an iron gate and through the bars was the former Amy. I studied her face and saw all she knew and believed...and realized I would never be that same Amy again. I was aware. So I did the only thing I could: I picked up my bag - containing the few pieces of my life I could gather - turned around, and walked away.
I was in a fog for the last two weeks of January and felt very lost. When you go through a life-changing event, you tend to lose things. The thing I lost was my spirituality. If any of you have read the trilogy, His Dark Materials, I likened the feeling to when a person is separated from his dæmon (spirit).
In a way this event was a divorce between me and my religion. Some people are able to fade out this part of their upbringing, if it was there. Slowly they realize it isn't for them and decrease the time and energy they put into it. My religion, however, was my compass, my refuge, my heart, and my stronghold. I admit that it felt weak within the last year or two, but I never thought it would go away entirely. Maybe I've been in denial, though. Maybe if I looked back closely enough, I could see myself gradually chipping away at it over time.
As much as I want to tell you exactly what happened to cause this falling out, I can't right now...and maybe not for several years. I don't know. It requires a stronger Amy than the one that exists today. So please, do not ask me. I just want you to know, though, that it happened and that I am different.
The collapsing took place over two weeks while a heavy current of emotional pain poured out of me. I don't know how to describe the pain exactly...something similar to when my parents divorced perhaps.
Then everything stabilized...but I felt like I was falling in slow motion, and a numbness came over me. At that point, I realized I was on the other side of a divide. In my mind, I saw a stone wall with an iron gate and through the bars was the former Amy. I studied her face and saw all she knew and believed...and realized I would never be that same Amy again. I was aware. So I did the only thing I could: I picked up my bag - containing the few pieces of my life I could gather - turned around, and walked away.
I was in a fog for the last two weeks of January and felt very lost. When you go through a life-changing event, you tend to lose things. The thing I lost was my spirituality. If any of you have read the trilogy, His Dark Materials, I likened the feeling to when a person is separated from his dæmon (spirit).
In a way this event was a divorce between me and my religion. Some people are able to fade out this part of their upbringing, if it was there. Slowly they realize it isn't for them and decrease the time and energy they put into it. My religion, however, was my compass, my refuge, my heart, and my stronghold. I admit that it felt weak within the last year or two, but I never thought it would go away entirely. Maybe I've been in denial, though. Maybe if I looked back closely enough, I could see myself gradually chipping away at it over time.
As much as I want to tell you exactly what happened to cause this falling out, I can't right now...and maybe not for several years. I don't know. It requires a stronger Amy than the one that exists today. So please, do not ask me. I just want you to know, though, that it happened and that I am different.
Thursday, January 1, 2015
Amy's Year in Review 2014
I enjoy looking over my life at the beginning of the New Year. It makes the time I spent living worth my while, by recognizing all I've learned and how much I've changed. Below is my list of Things I've Learned, Accomplishments, and Desires for 2015. To be honest, I don't know if the things I've learned in 2014 were actually during 2014 or if they were some time before that, but I think they're important so they're listed.
Things I've Learned
1) No human feeling is unique: everyone can experience the same emotions (on varying levels), and it is possible to feel a strong emotion repeatedly. This includes love. This year, I had a tough time changing my mindset from the idea that love is unique and highly exclusive to that it is common and shared. The truth is, we can love deeply more than once and we love many people throughout our lives. While I kind of knew this from my relationships with friends and family members, being in a close relationship with someone else made the lesson stark: I had to understand that I am a part of a person's life, not the part. That was a tough pill to swallow ("What?! You mean I'm not the only person you've ever cared about?") However, while I've learned that love itself is common, I've also learned that what comes from love is special: the family you create, the lessons you learn about yourself, and the places it takes you.
2) Talking is better than walking. I am a person who tends to cut things off and be done with them when they aren't working out. I've discovered that it's worth communicating your issues/feelings before walking out, especially if the other person wants to meet you half way.
3) Be able to justify your actions. It's a really great feeling when someone calls you out on a "mistake" and you're able to list solid, logical reasons why you did what you did.
4) You look better when you admit to a mistake than when you try to cover it up. Yes, people want something done in a timely fashion, but - at the core of the issue - they want it done right. Asking for help when you don't know is key.
5) You're given "dumb" passes in life (people forgive you when you do something stupid), but they're limited - try not to use them all up at once.
6) Learn how to fix what you mess up, because messing up is a given.
7) Sometimes you can't fix everything, though, and you have let time do the work. We all have people who won't forgive us, items that we've caught on fire and will never get back, and money (ours or someone else's) that we've tossed out the window...I think there's a specific "dumb pass" for that...Regardless, we just have to hope time will heal all emotional wreckage.
8) My body and physical ambitions have changed. In my early 20s, I thought I had figured out the "formula" to get my body the way I wanted it. Now, however, I'm no longer in that stage of post-adolescent-but-still-have-adolescent-body-functionings, and that formula doesn't work anymore. My body responds differently to food than it used to. I'm also less tolerant of being hungry and I don't have the same fascination with body mechanics anymore (aka I'm not ok with eating only a handful of food for a meal and gyms don't stimulate me like they used to). The resulting physical change has been difficult for me to deal with and I have a feeling life isn't going to be generous as I get older. I'm not giving up, but I'm also learning acceptance...
9) "Finding myself" is over. Thank. Goodness. I no longer look at each opportunity like, "THIS IS WHO I AM AND WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE DOING WITH MY LIFE!" I have a complicated web of interests, but none of them are attached to my identity. I regard the "finding self" stage as the mental puberty of early adulthood: I had to go through it to solidify my identity, but I'm glad it's over.
10) Movies can engage a person intellectually on a deeper level than I expected. They can make you reflect upon your own morals, goals, and thinking patterns. They make you question society. This deeper thinking thing was a pleasant surprise for me. I thought you could only get it - truly - from books.
Accomplishments
Obtained a full-time job with benefits that pays me almost enough to live on (parents still help a little).
Found an apartment that only I live in. Sweet Jesus, I didn't think I'd see the day.
Read several books and watched many tv shows and movies. Who's culturally engaged ??-->>> this one!
Maintained a healthy relationship for over a year (personal record! victory dance!).
Desires/Things to Accomplish for 2015
I'm used to being broke around Christmas and not doing much. This year, I wasn't broke but I did not plan well. I felt like a scrooge when unexpected gifts were left on my desk at work and in my mailbox at home. Next year, I want to be more active about preparing for the holidays (Christmas shopping will happen and cards will be made ahead of time) and appreciate the celebrating on a religious level. I also want an Advent calendar and Jesse tree. Seriously, what's more fun than opening a tiny box every day for a month, pulling out a gift/ornament, and reading an accompanying story? Lots of things, I know, but it's still pretty great.
I want an art project and art skills! I can already see many of you slapping your foreheads - you probably remember the artistic attempts of Summer 2013? Well, I'm back to it again. Right now, the only thing on my list is a kinetic typography video. I'm hoping to have two more projects this year (cards don't count).
Professionally? I'd like to start doing more with communications. I'm going to push to help with the department newsletter and website more. Truth be told, I envy the BioComm department upstairs. I'm sure their lives are filled with tedious work, but I would love some of their technical and creative skill sets.
I struggled with my religion in 2014. I was barely going to Mass once a week, and I developed some riffs with Catholicism. I went as far as looking into various Protestant churches around the city, because I wasn't feeling like I fit in as a Catholic anymore. However, after I went to one such service, I left feeling empty. I immediately missed the richness of the Catholic church, its rituals, and its structure. I like ritual and structure, and I was very appreciative of the next Mass I attended. However, who's to say this couldn't happen again? Therefore, this year I want to read about and engage more with my faith: to start, four books on Catholicism/Christianity.
Health...I'm just keeping on keeping on. Maybe exercise a little more.
I want a group of friends...like from a club I join or something. I don't know if that will happen this year because I can already see myself being very busy. However, I think friends would be a positive addition to my life.
All right, so that is that for 2015. Lots of good stuff happened in 2014, so let's hope that goodness keeps rolling! Do you have any goals for this year or anything you learned from last year that you want to share? If so, please leave a comment or send me a message. Best to you all for 2015!
Things I've Learned
1) No human feeling is unique: everyone can experience the same emotions (on varying levels), and it is possible to feel a strong emotion repeatedly. This includes love. This year, I had a tough time changing my mindset from the idea that love is unique and highly exclusive to that it is common and shared. The truth is, we can love deeply more than once and we love many people throughout our lives. While I kind of knew this from my relationships with friends and family members, being in a close relationship with someone else made the lesson stark: I had to understand that I am a part of a person's life, not the part. That was a tough pill to swallow ("What?! You mean I'm not the only person you've ever cared about?") However, while I've learned that love itself is common, I've also learned that what comes from love is special: the family you create, the lessons you learn about yourself, and the places it takes you.
2) Talking is better than walking. I am a person who tends to cut things off and be done with them when they aren't working out. I've discovered that it's worth communicating your issues/feelings before walking out, especially if the other person wants to meet you half way.
3) Be able to justify your actions. It's a really great feeling when someone calls you out on a "mistake" and you're able to list solid, logical reasons why you did what you did.
4) You look better when you admit to a mistake than when you try to cover it up. Yes, people want something done in a timely fashion, but - at the core of the issue - they want it done right. Asking for help when you don't know is key.
5) You're given "dumb" passes in life (people forgive you when you do something stupid), but they're limited - try not to use them all up at once.
6) Learn how to fix what you mess up, because messing up is a given.
7) Sometimes you can't fix everything, though, and you have let time do the work. We all have people who won't forgive us, items that we've caught on fire and will never get back, and money (ours or someone else's) that we've tossed out the window...I think there's a specific "dumb pass" for that...Regardless, we just have to hope time will heal all emotional wreckage.
8) My body and physical ambitions have changed. In my early 20s, I thought I had figured out the "formula" to get my body the way I wanted it. Now, however, I'm no longer in that stage of post-adolescent-but-still-have-adolescent-body-functionings, and that formula doesn't work anymore. My body responds differently to food than it used to. I'm also less tolerant of being hungry and I don't have the same fascination with body mechanics anymore (aka I'm not ok with eating only a handful of food for a meal and gyms don't stimulate me like they used to). The resulting physical change has been difficult for me to deal with and I have a feeling life isn't going to be generous as I get older. I'm not giving up, but I'm also learning acceptance...
9) "Finding myself" is over. Thank. Goodness. I no longer look at each opportunity like, "THIS IS WHO I AM AND WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE DOING WITH MY LIFE!" I have a complicated web of interests, but none of them are attached to my identity. I regard the "finding self" stage as the mental puberty of early adulthood: I had to go through it to solidify my identity, but I'm glad it's over.
10) Movies can engage a person intellectually on a deeper level than I expected. They can make you reflect upon your own morals, goals, and thinking patterns. They make you question society. This deeper thinking thing was a pleasant surprise for me. I thought you could only get it - truly - from books.
Accomplishments
Obtained a full-time job with benefits that pays me almost enough to live on (parents still help a little).
Found an apartment that only I live in. Sweet Jesus, I didn't think I'd see the day.
Read several books and watched many tv shows and movies. Who's culturally engaged ??-->>> this one!
Maintained a healthy relationship for over a year (personal record! victory dance!).
Desires/Things to Accomplish for 2015
I'm used to being broke around Christmas and not doing much. This year, I wasn't broke but I did not plan well. I felt like a scrooge when unexpected gifts were left on my desk at work and in my mailbox at home. Next year, I want to be more active about preparing for the holidays (Christmas shopping will happen and cards will be made ahead of time) and appreciate the celebrating on a religious level. I also want an Advent calendar and Jesse tree. Seriously, what's more fun than opening a tiny box every day for a month, pulling out a gift/ornament, and reading an accompanying story? Lots of things, I know, but it's still pretty great.
I want an art project and art skills! I can already see many of you slapping your foreheads - you probably remember the artistic attempts of Summer 2013? Well, I'm back to it again. Right now, the only thing on my list is a kinetic typography video. I'm hoping to have two more projects this year (cards don't count).
Professionally? I'd like to start doing more with communications. I'm going to push to help with the department newsletter and website more. Truth be told, I envy the BioComm department upstairs. I'm sure their lives are filled with tedious work, but I would love some of their technical and creative skill sets.
I struggled with my religion in 2014. I was barely going to Mass once a week, and I developed some riffs with Catholicism. I went as far as looking into various Protestant churches around the city, because I wasn't feeling like I fit in as a Catholic anymore. However, after I went to one such service, I left feeling empty. I immediately missed the richness of the Catholic church, its rituals, and its structure. I like ritual and structure, and I was very appreciative of the next Mass I attended. However, who's to say this couldn't happen again? Therefore, this year I want to read about and engage more with my faith: to start, four books on Catholicism/Christianity.
Health...I'm just keeping on keeping on. Maybe exercise a little more.
I want a group of friends...like from a club I join or something. I don't know if that will happen this year because I can already see myself being very busy. However, I think friends would be a positive addition to my life.
All right, so that is that for 2015. Lots of good stuff happened in 2014, so let's hope that goodness keeps rolling! Do you have any goals for this year or anything you learned from last year that you want to share? If so, please leave a comment or send me a message. Best to you all for 2015!
Wednesday, March 12, 2014
Book Report: Being Both: Embracing Two Religions in One Interfaith Family
When I was in middle school, I wanted to marry a Jewish boy. I think it was because I had met a funny rabbi and therefore believed most Jewish men were funny. (Of course this is a stereotype, but I have met many funny Jewish men since.) Also, I was intrigued by the religion that fathered my own and wanted to learn about it and embrace it. However, in high school I discovered that interfaith marriages were discouraged by both Christians and Jews. Moreover, it was particularly frowned upon if the mother was not Jewish, because then the children "wouldn't" be Jewish. Realizing my unappealing state to this community and not wanting to ostracize my children, I let my marriage ambitions go.
Then in college I came into contact with Muslims. Again, I became intrigued by their culture and beliefs. I participated in a couple Ramadan events while I was a student, and chatted about religion with those I knew from class or the dorms. My high school experience deterred me from considering marrying anyone except a Christian, but I still wondered, "Could such a thing be possible?" To be perfectly honest, I think I often felt like I should marry a Christian, because that was easiest and probably best. But I don't think I necessarily wanted to.
Fast-forward to the present. I happened upon a book at the library, Being Both: Embracing Two Religions in One Interfaith Family. This was it! I thought. Finally a book to answer my nagging questions about interfaith marriages: were they possible, were they doomed?
According to the author, they were possible and they were not doomed. She discussed her own experience growing up in an interfaith family and talked about growth of communities for such families. She also gave examples of marriages that included a mix of Jew, Christian, Muslim, Hindu, and Buddhist people. All of these gave me hope. The common denominator that I noticed for why these marriages worked was that the people were not fundamentalists or literalists of their holy texts. It seemed to me that they believed their faiths shared core values and that their religions were different manifestations of those values. This was cool, but I saw one area of concern: none of these people seemed to believe that there was only one Way.
To me, religion is like a a multi-layered orange. When you get past the rituals, texts, and desired behaviors, you arrive at the path/deed/belief to salvation - the core. In my mind, if you deny your core - the belief that there is one Way - you are taking out the center piece that holds everything together...the rock...the foundation. What is the point of practicing if don't believe in your foundation??
Yet, many people who are in interfaith marriages are actively engaged in their religions and in multiple religious communities. They ask questions and seek answers. These people want to understand, because the cohesion of their families depends on it. They are probably more on board with their faith than many of those who are in single-religion families. They are confident in what they believe and why.
So where do I stand? At this point in my life, I believe there is one Way for me. Yet I believe we all find God through different avenues and they can all be right. We live in a world where people of different countries, cultures, races, and religions are constantly moving and connecting with each other every day. For some of us, marrying someone who has a similar background as us is difficult and - honestly - less appealing. While forming interfaith relationships and families may not be easy, it's nice to know it's possible to do and that they can succeed.
Then in college I came into contact with Muslims. Again, I became intrigued by their culture and beliefs. I participated in a couple Ramadan events while I was a student, and chatted about religion with those I knew from class or the dorms. My high school experience deterred me from considering marrying anyone except a Christian, but I still wondered, "Could such a thing be possible?" To be perfectly honest, I think I often felt like I should marry a Christian, because that was easiest and probably best. But I don't think I necessarily wanted to.
Fast-forward to the present. I happened upon a book at the library, Being Both: Embracing Two Religions in One Interfaith Family. This was it! I thought. Finally a book to answer my nagging questions about interfaith marriages: were they possible, were they doomed?
According to the author, they were possible and they were not doomed. She discussed her own experience growing up in an interfaith family and talked about growth of communities for such families. She also gave examples of marriages that included a mix of Jew, Christian, Muslim, Hindu, and Buddhist people. All of these gave me hope. The common denominator that I noticed for why these marriages worked was that the people were not fundamentalists or literalists of their holy texts. It seemed to me that they believed their faiths shared core values and that their religions were different manifestations of those values. This was cool, but I saw one area of concern: none of these people seemed to believe that there was only one Way.
To me, religion is like a a multi-layered orange. When you get past the rituals, texts, and desired behaviors, you arrive at the path/deed/belief to salvation - the core. In my mind, if you deny your core - the belief that there is one Way - you are taking out the center piece that holds everything together...the rock...the foundation. What is the point of practicing if don't believe in your foundation??
Yet, many people who are in interfaith marriages are actively engaged in their religions and in multiple religious communities. They ask questions and seek answers. These people want to understand, because the cohesion of their families depends on it. They are probably more on board with their faith than many of those who are in single-religion families. They are confident in what they believe and why.
So where do I stand? At this point in my life, I believe there is one Way for me. Yet I believe we all find God through different avenues and they can all be right. We live in a world where people of different countries, cultures, races, and religions are constantly moving and connecting with each other every day. For some of us, marrying someone who has a similar background as us is difficult and - honestly - less appealing. While forming interfaith relationships and families may not be easy, it's nice to know it's possible to do and that they can succeed.
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