Just know it happened

In my 2014 review, I had written that I was done "finding myself." I didn't flit after every idea anymore, thinking that each one was my life calling. I felt like I knew my mind and tendencies, and I wouldn't face regular identity fluctuation anymore. But I was so wrong: three days later my world fell to pieces.

The collapsing took place over two weeks while a heavy current of emotional pain poured out of me. I don't know how to describe the pain exactly...something similar to when my parents divorced perhaps.

Then everything stabilized...but I felt like I was falling in slow motion, and a numbness came over me. At that point, I realized I was on the other side of a divide. In my mind, I saw a stone wall with an iron gate and through the bars was the former Amy. I studied her face and saw all she knew and believed...and realized I would never be that same Amy again. I was aware. So I did the only thing I could: I picked up my bag - containing the few pieces of my life I could gather - turned around, and walked away.

I was in a fog for the last two weeks of January and felt very lost. When you go through a life-changing event, you tend to lose things. The thing I lost was my spirituality. If any of you have read the trilogy, His Dark Materials, I likened the feeling to when a person is separated from his dæmon (spirit).

In a way this event was a divorce between me and my religion. Some people are able to fade out this part of their upbringing, if it was there. Slowly they realize it isn't for them and decrease the time and energy they put into it. My religion, however, was my compass, my refuge, my heart, and my stronghold. I admit that it felt weak within the last year or two, but I never thought it would go away entirely. Maybe I've been in denial, though. Maybe if I looked back closely enough, I could see myself gradually chipping away at it over time.

As much as I want to tell you exactly what happened to cause this falling out, I can't right now...and maybe not for several years. I don't know. It requires a stronger Amy than the one that exists today. So please, do not ask me. I just want you to know, though, that it happened and that I am different.