After having that conversation with Mike a while back about greatness, I decided to explore podcasts more. I listened to Ira Glass talks, This American Life, TED Radio Hour, Planet Money, Reply All, Death, Sex, and Money...but I just couldn't get into them fully. What I wanted was a story in which I could invest myself, stretch my brain, and possibly learn. Was I asking too much? Was I missing the point? I wanted something to inspire me to create. These are all considered excellent podcasts - the top ones on the internet. Yet, I was not satisfied. I did enjoy listening to Ira Glass and hearing about the making of This American Life. He discussed how art and business were more closely aligned than one might think and gave examples of the lengths the team had to go to in order to get onto stations. I noted their methods.
While looking at Reply All episodes, I thought I would learn a little bit about the media company producing it, gimlet media. I saw they had a podcast about just that, called Startup, in which the founders documented their experience starting a podcasting company. Intrigued, I began to listen. Alex Blumberg - the idea man behind it all - couldn't come across as more genuine. He recorded everything: humbling conversations with his wife, awkward meetings with a potential partner, and pitches full of stammering. Sometimes the episodes were painful to listen to. However, this was exactly what I was looking for: it was a story over several podcasts and I was learning something. From the first episode I felt a spark ignite, but I couldn't place my finger on the cause. Was it the content of the podcast, the aspect of building a business? Was it the making of the podcast itself? Was it the personalization of the story? I do know that when Alex introduced the audience to Chris Sacca, a mega investor, I liked him a lot. I wished he had more air time, because I wanted to learn more about his side of investing in businesses. I also wanted to hear more from Matt Lieber, President and co-founder of gimlet. He was the business man with experience consulting companies.
After making it through all 19 episodes, I felt a sense of conviction about my next steps. I wasn't so interested in chasing down stories or content. I was interested in understanding how the business worked, and I liked this - media business. I started pondering how I could get myself into a company like gimlet media...
I've thought about going to business school several times. However, the thought usually fizzled out, and I think it's because I was unable to see where it could take me. Now, however, I saw a possibility I liked.
Two years ago, I went to a conference full of entrepreneurs and creative people. Many had a startup or wanted to create one. I struggled to get on the same page with them as far as ideas. After I had been home for several weeks, I came to the conclusion that I was not the idea person and leader. I simply wasn't seeing problems to fix. However, I believed I was the one who could promote that person and be an account manager, which was more or less what I did at my then-job. Later, after watching Mike and getting a glimpse of his business, I think I could also be the one to help keep the idea person in check with numbers - I like working with money and I like spreadsheets.
I've given you all many plans about my future and I wouldn't blame you if you sigh in exasperation again. However, I think I'm going to give the business school thing another shot. My goal is to start in 2017. I calculated that if I save every extra penny, nothing disastrous happens in the next year, I pass the GMAT on the first or second try, and the program doesn't raise its prices, I could have enough saved to pay for it all within two years. I would also need to forgo a car for probably another three years...which hurts so much to write. You have no idea.
A few posts ago I said I wanted to be great. I wanted to be a singularly amazing person who does amazing things. However, my best self may not be visible until I am among other inspiring and talented individuals. It is quite possible that my path to greatness isn't what I do alone, but rather what I do in tandem with others. I think that's the way it's done in many cases - greatness isn't achieved by the singular but by the plural.
Sunday, December 27, 2015
Thursday, December 24, 2015
Maybe I'm not a writer...
This is not a self-pity party, this is a review of the facts. I was talking to a friend about potential career paths and brought up my creative writing projects. She asked how they were going. Well...um...they...I...err... The truth is, they weren't going...anywhere. I wasn't writing, except in my blog and personal journal. I've been trying to think of creative outlets for myself, but straight up writing was not happening. I've been thinking about podcasts, but I'm not familiar with the format. I don't see how I can make a podcast by myself and tell a story that will be interesting to people, unless I do something David Sedaris-style. That idea is still on the table. However, can I claim writership if I'm not, in fact, writing anything worth talking about? My answer is no.
This same friend I was talking to told me about a woman who didn't figure out what she wanted to do until she was 40-something. I hope beyond hope it doesn't take me that long to find my niche.
This same friend I was talking to told me about a woman who didn't figure out what she wanted to do until she was 40-something. I hope beyond hope it doesn't take me that long to find my niche.
Saturday, December 19, 2015
Hiring Insights from the Employer Side
Since I accepted the new position, we had to fill the position I was leaving behind. This meant interviews! I'd never done interviews before and would finally be on the Other Side. I would be watching people sweat and try to impress while I'd sit coolly evaluating. At least, that's how I thought it would go.
Last week began with the accumulation of resumes. Janet - the new residency manager - and I found out we were in charge of finding the new person, so we had to review 49 applications over the weekend! 49! On Saturday, I complained to Mike about this sucking up so much of my time and told him how I just sort of breezed through the first 15. I admitted that I separated them into yes, maybe, and no piles for superficial reasons just so I could get through them all. He noted this was interesting and gently reminded me about how I painstakingly worked on my own resume and cover letter, and wouldn't I want someone to look at it carefully instead of pushing it aside for superficial reasons? I grumbled, but the next day devoted a few hours to going through each one more diligently. I found myself interested in the people who applied, even those who I knew wouldn't make the cut. I was surprised that a few men applied and two were veterans. I redid my piles and noticed that many in my "no" and "maybe" groups seemed capable of doing the work just fine. The ones in my "yes" pile, however, were undoubtedly qualified and those were the ones I had to let through. In this process, I realized I had people's livelihoods, careers, and futures in my hands. I've never had that kind of power before. It made me uneasy at first, because I wanted to help everyone. But then I had to put my "boss" hat on and say, "We have a job that needs to be filled," and I let the uneasiness go.
What I learned from reading applications:
1. Since a lot people had skills that could be easily transferred to the skills of our position, I tried to gain a sense of the person through the cover letter. Poor cover letters got the "no" pile. You'd be surprised at how bad some of the ones I saw were.
2. I appreciated resumes that were clear, organized, and easy to read. They had headers, understandable phrases (the more concise the better!), and aligned to the left side of the paper.
3. For the section about stating why the applicant left/is leaving a job, I didn't judge people harshly for saying they wanted better pay or to get into the university. It made sense. When people didn't give any reason though - someone said "N/A" for everything - that sent up a red flag. We gave her an interview because she was very qualified, but we could tell the situation wouldn't work out.
Interviews on Day 1 were good. We found three people we liked (out of four), and two who we thought could do the job. The one we really liked had such great energy. She lit up the room as soon as she entered. However, as we found out in the interview, she worked at a bank that was high-speed and chaotic. Her job was to calm the customers and work with them to straighten out situations - crisis management, essentially. We realized that as much as we liked her, she would be bored in our office and probably try to move on within six months. She was also pursuing an accounting degree and I wanted to help her get a break on schooling (employees go to UA for cheap!), but again...the kind of work she would be doing with us would bore her. It wouldn't be complex enough. I was sad to see her go.
Interviews on Day 2 were something else. This was a day of candidates with strong personalities. One woman had been working in a legal office and was used to running the ship, so to speak. We weren't looking for someone to run the ship, we just wanted someone to steer. Another woman was over-the-top energetic. She just wouldn't stop talking...about her all of her volunteer experiences that she LOVED at her church, and her boys being eagle scouts and her being the eagle mom on camping trips, and how she rides a bike everywhere and lives like a college student, which she also loves, since her divorce...etc. She even gave us a chart with a timeline of her work and volunteer experience since high school (1980s), even though we already had her resume and cover letter. Janet responded, "We can see you're organized!" That was nice of her. A couple times during the interview I kept asking myself, is this for real? It seemed like a scene right out of a sitcom. I felt overwhelmed by her enthusiasm and needed the break before the next candidate. Our last interview was a phone interview (she lived in Phoenix). While she seemed like a very strong candidate, not being able to meet her in her person proved to be difficult for gauging her personality. By this time, though, we were confident in the candidate we wanted so it wasn't worth it to us to ask her for a second interview.
What I learned from interviewing:
1. The purpose for us was to assess personality and demeanor. Like I said earlier, many of these candidates had the qualifications on paper. The interview allowed us to assess if we felt we could get along with a candidate and how well she would fit into our office environment. That being said...
2. Having prepared answers with examples of one's work is important. We appreciated intelligent answers.
3. Giving the employer more paperwork about your qualifications isn't the best idea, either in the initial rounds or the later ones. We don't want to read more if we don't have to.
4. The details matter in resumes, but if it's not a good fit personality-wise, it's not a good fit. You can send a thank you card, which can help, but that doesn't mean you will get more points. We hired someone who didn't send a thank you card.
5. Asking for feedback on ways to improve if you don't get the job is ok, but chances are you didn't do anything wrong. The employer just found someone they liked more or had more qualifications. Don't be surprised if you don't get a response after asking this question. We only had one person do this and her email was answered, but it was a little awkward for us.
6. Having connections pays. The person we hired already knew three of our doctors and the husband of another. They all raved about her...so we didn't have to call for references. It made our confidence in the decision much easier.
That was my experience with the hiring process. I hope this provided some insight and help for any job-seekers out there and a good story for the rest.
Last week began with the accumulation of resumes. Janet - the new residency manager - and I found out we were in charge of finding the new person, so we had to review 49 applications over the weekend! 49! On Saturday, I complained to Mike about this sucking up so much of my time and told him how I just sort of breezed through the first 15. I admitted that I separated them into yes, maybe, and no piles for superficial reasons just so I could get through them all. He noted this was interesting and gently reminded me about how I painstakingly worked on my own resume and cover letter, and wouldn't I want someone to look at it carefully instead of pushing it aside for superficial reasons? I grumbled, but the next day devoted a few hours to going through each one more diligently. I found myself interested in the people who applied, even those who I knew wouldn't make the cut. I was surprised that a few men applied and two were veterans. I redid my piles and noticed that many in my "no" and "maybe" groups seemed capable of doing the work just fine. The ones in my "yes" pile, however, were undoubtedly qualified and those were the ones I had to let through. In this process, I realized I had people's livelihoods, careers, and futures in my hands. I've never had that kind of power before. It made me uneasy at first, because I wanted to help everyone. But then I had to put my "boss" hat on and say, "We have a job that needs to be filled," and I let the uneasiness go.
What I learned from reading applications:
1. Since a lot people had skills that could be easily transferred to the skills of our position, I tried to gain a sense of the person through the cover letter. Poor cover letters got the "no" pile. You'd be surprised at how bad some of the ones I saw were.
2. I appreciated resumes that were clear, organized, and easy to read. They had headers, understandable phrases (the more concise the better!), and aligned to the left side of the paper.
3. For the section about stating why the applicant left/is leaving a job, I didn't judge people harshly for saying they wanted better pay or to get into the university. It made sense. When people didn't give any reason though - someone said "N/A" for everything - that sent up a red flag. We gave her an interview because she was very qualified, but we could tell the situation wouldn't work out.
Interviews on Day 1 were good. We found three people we liked (out of four), and two who we thought could do the job. The one we really liked had such great energy. She lit up the room as soon as she entered. However, as we found out in the interview, she worked at a bank that was high-speed and chaotic. Her job was to calm the customers and work with them to straighten out situations - crisis management, essentially. We realized that as much as we liked her, she would be bored in our office and probably try to move on within six months. She was also pursuing an accounting degree and I wanted to help her get a break on schooling (employees go to UA for cheap!), but again...the kind of work she would be doing with us would bore her. It wouldn't be complex enough. I was sad to see her go.
Interviews on Day 2 were something else. This was a day of candidates with strong personalities. One woman had been working in a legal office and was used to running the ship, so to speak. We weren't looking for someone to run the ship, we just wanted someone to steer. Another woman was over-the-top energetic. She just wouldn't stop talking...about her all of her volunteer experiences that she LOVED at her church, and her boys being eagle scouts and her being the eagle mom on camping trips, and how she rides a bike everywhere and lives like a college student, which she also loves, since her divorce...etc. She even gave us a chart with a timeline of her work and volunteer experience since high school (1980s), even though we already had her resume and cover letter. Janet responded, "We can see you're organized!" That was nice of her. A couple times during the interview I kept asking myself, is this for real? It seemed like a scene right out of a sitcom. I felt overwhelmed by her enthusiasm and needed the break before the next candidate. Our last interview was a phone interview (she lived in Phoenix). While she seemed like a very strong candidate, not being able to meet her in her person proved to be difficult for gauging her personality. By this time, though, we were confident in the candidate we wanted so it wasn't worth it to us to ask her for a second interview.
What I learned from interviewing:
1. The purpose for us was to assess personality and demeanor. Like I said earlier, many of these candidates had the qualifications on paper. The interview allowed us to assess if we felt we could get along with a candidate and how well she would fit into our office environment. That being said...
2. Having prepared answers with examples of one's work is important. We appreciated intelligent answers.
3. Giving the employer more paperwork about your qualifications isn't the best idea, either in the initial rounds or the later ones. We don't want to read more if we don't have to.
4. The details matter in resumes, but if it's not a good fit personality-wise, it's not a good fit. You can send a thank you card, which can help, but that doesn't mean you will get more points. We hired someone who didn't send a thank you card.
5. Asking for feedback on ways to improve if you don't get the job is ok, but chances are you didn't do anything wrong. The employer just found someone they liked more or had more qualifications. Don't be surprised if you don't get a response after asking this question. We only had one person do this and her email was answered, but it was a little awkward for us.
6. Having connections pays. The person we hired already knew three of our doctors and the husband of another. They all raved about her...so we didn't have to call for references. It made our confidence in the decision much easier.
That was my experience with the hiring process. I hope this provided some insight and help for any job-seekers out there and a good story for the rest.
The Road to Promotion
This last week was incredibly chaotic in the office. We had resident interviews, medical student exams, I had time sheet prep work and reconciliation (usually takes me a few hours due to interruptions), physicians were turning in reimbursements left and right because they found out that their accounts were going to reset at the beginning of the year, and then all the regular scheduling needed to be done...among other things. But on Wednesday at the very, very end of the day, our chief administrator asked me to come into his office. I assumed this had to do with my job situation - the position I applied for a week and half ago. I was waiting for an interview, but within a few minutes I found out that I would never get one. They skipped it and the administrator handed me my offer letter. This was ok with me. The best part, though, was the salary. It was more than I expected! It was more than I allowed myself even to hope for! A significant chunk will undoubtedly be taken out for taxes and benefits, but STILL! The possibility that I can buy a car in a year is now on the table. Once I see what I'm making, I may even be able to afford living somewhere else. I love my little house, but I'm still on someone else's property. I'd like to not live with my landlord for once.
I have to draw attention to some key factors that led to this promotion, though. My coworker who started at the same time as me received a promotion a few months ago in the same way I did - they dissolved her position and created a new one when someone else left. However, before that, she wanted a review of her work and to have a conversation about a raise with our superiors. However, it was like pulling teeth. She had such a hard time getting anyone to talk to her. She started looking for other positions because she needed to earn more - she just had a baby and she and her husband bought a house. However, when the new position came up for her, she had to go through an interview. It seems she had to push her way through to get attention. I, on the other hand, almost had the opposite experience: I applied and people in my department said, "Process the paperwork now so we can get going!"
A few months back, I received a tiny raise (about $30 extra per paycheck) when I took on several duties from other people. I was disappointed. Should I have negotiated? Some will say so, but I don't think it would have made a difference. This time around when Norma left, though, doctors wanted input on what was going to happen next with the staff. The situation was in my favor. I didn't cry to my supervisor or the chief administrator about wanting a raise. I did talk one of the doctors about my goals, however, and I found out our accountant was pulling for a higher salary for me. In the end, my supervisor, the accountant, and one of the doctors were all speaking repeatedly on my behalf to give me the salary I received...and to give it quickly.
Why did this happen? Why did my coworker and I have such different experiences? Maybe it was a difference in personality - she's quiet, but she comes out and tells people what she wants. I'm quiet, but I have trouble being open like that. Another possibility - the real reason in my opinion - is the fact that I work directly with many people in the office. I'm the one they see and of whom they ask questions. My coworker has her own office in another area and is physically isolated. Direct interaction matters in building relationships, and people help get you places. I think this is where my coworker's campaign fell short, and the timing wasn't there at the beginning. I felt fortunate that I happened to be in the place I was. This wasn't by mistake - I chose to be among the faculty because I liked being interactive. But I didn't realize then that it would help me advance in the future. In the end, both of us received what we wanted, but knowing people can make the path easier.
I have to draw attention to some key factors that led to this promotion, though. My coworker who started at the same time as me received a promotion a few months ago in the same way I did - they dissolved her position and created a new one when someone else left. However, before that, she wanted a review of her work and to have a conversation about a raise with our superiors. However, it was like pulling teeth. She had such a hard time getting anyone to talk to her. She started looking for other positions because she needed to earn more - she just had a baby and she and her husband bought a house. However, when the new position came up for her, she had to go through an interview. It seems she had to push her way through to get attention. I, on the other hand, almost had the opposite experience: I applied and people in my department said, "Process the paperwork now so we can get going!"
A few months back, I received a tiny raise (about $30 extra per paycheck) when I took on several duties from other people. I was disappointed. Should I have negotiated? Some will say so, but I don't think it would have made a difference. This time around when Norma left, though, doctors wanted input on what was going to happen next with the staff. The situation was in my favor. I didn't cry to my supervisor or the chief administrator about wanting a raise. I did talk one of the doctors about my goals, however, and I found out our accountant was pulling for a higher salary for me. In the end, my supervisor, the accountant, and one of the doctors were all speaking repeatedly on my behalf to give me the salary I received...and to give it quickly.
Why did this happen? Why did my coworker and I have such different experiences? Maybe it was a difference in personality - she's quiet, but she comes out and tells people what she wants. I'm quiet, but I have trouble being open like that. Another possibility - the real reason in my opinion - is the fact that I work directly with many people in the office. I'm the one they see and of whom they ask questions. My coworker has her own office in another area and is physically isolated. Direct interaction matters in building relationships, and people help get you places. I think this is where my coworker's campaign fell short, and the timing wasn't there at the beginning. I felt fortunate that I happened to be in the place I was. This wasn't by mistake - I chose to be among the faculty because I liked being interactive. But I didn't realize then that it would help me advance in the future. In the end, both of us received what we wanted, but knowing people can make the path easier.
Tuesday, December 15, 2015
I said hi
I explained who I was and how I knew her. She was friendly, and I was awkward. I felt like the unpopular girl talking to the popular one. She thought it was crazy that we were both in the same place in Arizona. We talked about mutual friends for a minute and her other interviews. Then that was it. She had to finish interviews and I had to work. Anticlimactic, but at least I have no "what ifs" on my plate.
Friday, December 11, 2015
Collision of the past and present lives
Today I received an email from a resident applicant asking for details about the interview on Monday. I didn't respond and instead stared at the name. I recognized it. I checked the university she was coming from in her signature. It had to be who I thought it was. I looked up her application online. Her picture matched what I could remember of her and she was from the right state...I checked her CV. Yep, the right undergraduate school and there, at the bottom, was her list of extra-curriculars: Purdue Ballroom Dance Team. I had a mini heart-attack. Someone I competed against 4-5 years ago was coming to the UA for a residency interview.
Some people might think a situation like this would be super neat. Oh awesome! What a small world we live in! For me, though...I had strong rush of emotions: a hint of excitement, but mostly dread and humiliation. For me, this person - a symbol of my past life during which I was so intense and so in over my head - was colliding with my current life. She was a reminder of who I was back then and what my goals were, and consequently a reminder of the path I chose and how I came to be where I am now. Reflecting on this, I sank into a puddle of self-pity. I felt like a failure. I texted my sister, hoping to release some of this emotional energy in conversation. I explained, "I feel incredibly under-accomplished and quite foolish. Here is a person who was great at ballroom dancing, but her goal was to become a doctor. I went after dancing and now I'm an assistant to doctors. I feel like a failure. A lost and confused failure." Why did I do what I did? Why did I try to chase ballroom? And to Tucson of all god-forsaken places? I was so idealistic and so naive. If I had stayed in Wisconsin, I would have had a better chance of going further in the sport, because I wouldn't have had to start over from scratch.
But the truth is, I wanted out. Out of Wisconsin, out of that life.
The good news is, she doesn't know me. I was only on the ballroom scene for two years and didn't have time to make friends with people from other teams. Interview day could come and go and she'll never be the wiser.
As the day went on, I calmed down. Something is eating at me on the inside. I've been experiencing envy lately and I know it's because I'm not making use of some ability I have. I can't figure out what it is, though, or what to do about it.
Some people might think a situation like this would be super neat. Oh awesome! What a small world we live in! For me, though...I had strong rush of emotions: a hint of excitement, but mostly dread and humiliation. For me, this person - a symbol of my past life during which I was so intense and so in over my head - was colliding with my current life. She was a reminder of who I was back then and what my goals were, and consequently a reminder of the path I chose and how I came to be where I am now. Reflecting on this, I sank into a puddle of self-pity. I felt like a failure. I texted my sister, hoping to release some of this emotional energy in conversation. I explained, "I feel incredibly under-accomplished and quite foolish. Here is a person who was great at ballroom dancing, but her goal was to become a doctor. I went after dancing and now I'm an assistant to doctors. I feel like a failure. A lost and confused failure." Why did I do what I did? Why did I try to chase ballroom? And to Tucson of all god-forsaken places? I was so idealistic and so naive. If I had stayed in Wisconsin, I would have had a better chance of going further in the sport, because I wouldn't have had to start over from scratch.
But the truth is, I wanted out. Out of Wisconsin, out of that life.
The good news is, she doesn't know me. I was only on the ballroom scene for two years and didn't have time to make friends with people from other teams. Interview day could come and go and she'll never be the wiser.
As the day went on, I calmed down. Something is eating at me on the inside. I've been experiencing envy lately and I know it's because I'm not making use of some ability I have. I can't figure out what it is, though, or what to do about it.
Wednesday, December 9, 2015
Dear God, why didn't make me like THIS?
One of my coworkers was chatting up a candidate for our department today (she's a person who likes to get the details). She said he was a good-looking, interesting fellow (besides a doctor, he's also a magician) and wanted to know if he was married ("I'm an old lady so I can get away with questions like that."). He replied he was but his wife practically lived in her jet.
HOLD THE PHONES WHAT. His wife had a cosmetics company and recently sold it for $500 million.
When my coworker told me this, we started researching this woman. It took me maybe 5 minutes to find her. She definitely came across as a strong business woman, interviewed by all sorts of magazines, including Forbes. Her husband had a pretty strong name in medicine, but I don't think it compared to hers in the beauty industry. Of course, if her Instagram account was an indication of her notoriety, she was no Kim Kardashian...but she still had some pull. On one level - I'll be honest - I wanted to hate her. I wanted to be disgusted at her seeming self-absorption. However, I couldn't, because she wasn't. I mean, she was self-focused, but she was also about charity and supporting programs for schools and children. Right now, she has a five-year non-compete clause with the company that bought her out. So while she's "taking a break," she's going to Africa and setting up philanthropy foundations and such. I think I'm just jealous that she found a niche and then tunnel-visioned on it. And then that she became a half-billionaire on it.
HOLD THE PHONES WHAT. His wife had a cosmetics company and recently sold it for $500 million.
When my coworker told me this, we started researching this woman. It took me maybe 5 minutes to find her. She definitely came across as a strong business woman, interviewed by all sorts of magazines, including Forbes. Her husband had a pretty strong name in medicine, but I don't think it compared to hers in the beauty industry. Of course, if her Instagram account was an indication of her notoriety, she was no Kim Kardashian...but she still had some pull. On one level - I'll be honest - I wanted to hate her. I wanted to be disgusted at her seeming self-absorption. However, I couldn't, because she wasn't. I mean, she was self-focused, but she was also about charity and supporting programs for schools and children. Right now, she has a five-year non-compete clause with the company that bought her out. So while she's "taking a break," she's going to Africa and setting up philanthropy foundations and such. I think I'm just jealous that she found a niche and then tunnel-visioned on it. And then that she became a half-billionaire on it.
Sunday, December 6, 2015
I submitted my application
for the coordinator job that was built for me. I'm so glad it's over now. The application + resume + cover letter had to be in before Dec. 8th (it posted on December 3rd), so I met that deadline. Glad there was a weekend in between.
Friday, November 27, 2015
Greatness
I'm starting to hate when people ask me what I want to do with my life. They want some kind of answer that doesn't include the work I'm currently doing. Yet, when I give them an answer, they don't always comprehend it or how it could turn into a source of income (e.g. writing). In particular, I'm thinking about the doctors I work for. No, I do not want to go into medicine or become a physician. Maybe it isn't the question itself, though, but rather who is asking.
Mike, my significant other, asked me today what I want to do. We were having lunch and it kind of came out of nowhere. He doesn't often ask me point blank about my aspirations.
"What I want to do?" I repeated.
"Yeah."
I sighed. There are several things I want to do. I explained my battle between Pragmatic Amy and Creative Amy and how they do not want to work together.
"The reason I ask about what you want to do is because you're in a situation where you have a benefit - furthering your education for cheap - and I'm wondering if you are interested in using it." he said. I told him about how I almost applied for a graduate school program, but it made Creative Amy want to cry. I liked writing, business, and...I didn't know how I felt about creative writing.
I went on, "At work, people tell me that I'm good at what I do and I'm very organized (even though that makes me laugh inwardly). They say I would be good at residency management and that it would be a good career path. But I feel like...that isn't enough." I paused in hesitation, debating whether or not I wanted to admit what I was thinking. It couldn't hurt to be honest. "I want to be great." Breathe. It's out there. "I don't want to be another person in a system, on a track." I then continued my back and forth volleying about taking a practical route (management, business) vs. finding my "greatness"...which may not be so practical.
"Well, my input of little value is that greatness is nearly impossible to achieve without passion," he said. "I think you have to the tools to achieve greatness...you just have to figure out what that is." That was nice to hear, but I still didn't know how to dig myself out of my hole.
"I envy people who know what they want, even if they don't know how to get there." I said.
"I sometimes envy people who don't know what they want and just live one day to the next."
"What? Why?"
"It must be a blissful place to be to not have goals looming in front of you."
"There may be some like that, but there are also others who live one day at a time and go on crazy adventures." I told him about my friend Charlie who lived in the moment and somehow worked his way over to Hawaii. He now surfs and bikes all the time, but I have no idea how he earns a living. "Even if they don't have goals, they're still living interesting lives. The cost, however, is that finding (i.e. paying for) your next meal may be one of those adventures. I've been broke before and I'm not willing to sacrifice that comfort for adventure. ...Yet these people have stories."
"Is that of value to you? People's stories?"
I thought for a moment. "...yeah."
"If you could construct an adventure, what would it be?" he asked. That's a big question, I thought. Travel would be part of the adventure, of course. But not just traveling around as a tourist. I wanted to learn about people from people.
"I would like to work...kind of as a journalist." I said. I hesitated using that word. There was something about this conversation that made me feel like I was hitting something deep. Kind of like going to a place I didn't let myself go, but kind of wanted to. "I'd like to write about the ballroom world over in Europe, which is treated more like figure skating and gymnastics: a cut-throat sport rather than a fun, show activity. Or maybe write about people in the fashion world or other professions (culinary, sports, performance, the beauty industry...my mind was thinking...really get raw with these people and discover others what their worlds are like).
"Could you write people's stories? Even if you start locally?" he asked.
"I suppose. I mean, I've done it before when I worked at the hostel. But back then people came to me (they stayed there and I just started conversation). I suppose I could try to get back into tourism..."
"You could just interview people in town without disrupting your whole lifestyle. You could write about whoever you wanted and find a common thread to connect them."
"I guess I could do that." Will I need a car?
"I don't know...you're good at writing and I like the way you think. From what I know of you and from your writing that I've read, I know you have an analytical mind: you don't take things at face value...you ask why. You know there's something beneath the surface. Telling people's stories could be something you're good at." I had that feeling you get when you wanted to do something but were afraid of failure.
By now the server had returned with our processed check and credit card and it was time to go.
When we arrived at my house, he said, "You like Serial and podcasts like that, right?"
"Yeah..."
"Well, when I listen to those, I hear you in the background."
"Like in the writing of the podcasts?"
"Writing, producing...and - maybe it's just my opinion - but you have a nice voice. You could tell these stories about people and podcast them." I felt a smile surfacing as I thought about it. I liked the idea of producing podcasts. I've thought about it before, but I didn't know what to talk about, so I set the idea aside. Maybe I should think about it again? It could be part of my path to greatness, whatever that turns out to be.
Mike, my significant other, asked me today what I want to do. We were having lunch and it kind of came out of nowhere. He doesn't often ask me point blank about my aspirations.
"What I want to do?" I repeated.
"Yeah."
I sighed. There are several things I want to do. I explained my battle between Pragmatic Amy and Creative Amy and how they do not want to work together.
"The reason I ask about what you want to do is because you're in a situation where you have a benefit - furthering your education for cheap - and I'm wondering if you are interested in using it." he said. I told him about how I almost applied for a graduate school program, but it made Creative Amy want to cry. I liked writing, business, and...I didn't know how I felt about creative writing.
I went on, "At work, people tell me that I'm good at what I do and I'm very organized (even though that makes me laugh inwardly). They say I would be good at residency management and that it would be a good career path. But I feel like...that isn't enough." I paused in hesitation, debating whether or not I wanted to admit what I was thinking. It couldn't hurt to be honest. "I want to be great." Breathe. It's out there. "I don't want to be another person in a system, on a track." I then continued my back and forth volleying about taking a practical route (management, business) vs. finding my "greatness"...which may not be so practical.
"Well, my input of little value is that greatness is nearly impossible to achieve without passion," he said. "I think you have to the tools to achieve greatness...you just have to figure out what that is." That was nice to hear, but I still didn't know how to dig myself out of my hole.
"I envy people who know what they want, even if they don't know how to get there." I said.
"I sometimes envy people who don't know what they want and just live one day to the next."
"What? Why?"
"It must be a blissful place to be to not have goals looming in front of you."
"There may be some like that, but there are also others who live one day at a time and go on crazy adventures." I told him about my friend Charlie who lived in the moment and somehow worked his way over to Hawaii. He now surfs and bikes all the time, but I have no idea how he earns a living. "Even if they don't have goals, they're still living interesting lives. The cost, however, is that finding (i.e. paying for) your next meal may be one of those adventures. I've been broke before and I'm not willing to sacrifice that comfort for adventure. ...Yet these people have stories."
"Is that of value to you? People's stories?"
I thought for a moment. "...yeah."
"If you could construct an adventure, what would it be?" he asked. That's a big question, I thought. Travel would be part of the adventure, of course. But not just traveling around as a tourist. I wanted to learn about people from people.
"I would like to work...kind of as a journalist." I said. I hesitated using that word. There was something about this conversation that made me feel like I was hitting something deep. Kind of like going to a place I didn't let myself go, but kind of wanted to. "I'd like to write about the ballroom world over in Europe, which is treated more like figure skating and gymnastics: a cut-throat sport rather than a fun, show activity. Or maybe write about people in the fashion world or other professions (culinary, sports, performance, the beauty industry...my mind was thinking...really get raw with these people and discover others what their worlds are like).
"Could you write people's stories? Even if you start locally?" he asked.
"I suppose. I mean, I've done it before when I worked at the hostel. But back then people came to me (they stayed there and I just started conversation). I suppose I could try to get back into tourism..."
"You could just interview people in town without disrupting your whole lifestyle. You could write about whoever you wanted and find a common thread to connect them."
"I guess I could do that." Will I need a car?
"I don't know...you're good at writing and I like the way you think. From what I know of you and from your writing that I've read, I know you have an analytical mind: you don't take things at face value...you ask why. You know there's something beneath the surface. Telling people's stories could be something you're good at." I had that feeling you get when you wanted to do something but were afraid of failure.
By now the server had returned with our processed check and credit card and it was time to go.
When we arrived at my house, he said, "You like Serial and podcasts like that, right?"
"Yeah..."
"Well, when I listen to those, I hear you in the background."
"Like in the writing of the podcasts?"
"Writing, producing...and - maybe it's just my opinion - but you have a nice voice. You could tell these stories about people and podcast them." I felt a smile surfacing as I thought about it. I liked the idea of producing podcasts. I've thought about it before, but I didn't know what to talk about, so I set the idea aside. Maybe I should think about it again? It could be part of my path to greatness, whatever that turns out to be.
Thursday, November 26, 2015
Restless for Wheels
I've had a growing restlessness for the last few weeks. I'm not exactly sure what is causing it, but I've been channeling it through exercise and I'm slowly (unintentionally) building a home gym in order to tame this energy. It may have something to do with my growing desperation for a car...
Example 1: I've been wanting to expand my exercising into different fitness programs or sports (swim team, tennis, pilates, climbing). However, if I want to do anything during the week, I need a car to get there and then get home.
Example 2: I signed up to usher at a ballet so I could watch someone dance, only to discover she was performing in the evening and I was going to the afternoon show. I tried to work it out in my head if I could switch it, but without a bus (which stop running around 9pm on Saturdays) there was no way I could bike an hour there and back.
Example 3: Yesterday, one of the younger doctors invited me to go out with her and some other ladies at the hospital - they have periodic "girls nights." I feel so lonely and desperate for friends these days (the boyfriend is great and all, but I would like to go out and bond with other women) that I wanted to say "Yes!! Let me know when the next one is and I'll be there!!!"...but I feel terribly awkward admitting that I don't have a car and that I need someone to give me a ride. I want to hang out with people without feeling like a charity case.
I'm hoping so much that when I get a raise, I can put money toward a car...and buy one soon!
Speaking of the job, the manager position has filled so now it's my turn. The residency director talked to my supervisor about posting the position for which I'm applying and the subsequent opening for whoever takes my place. They discussed salary as well and the director iterated what had been said during our conversation: she told my supervisor that I needed more money and that if I wasn't going to get this, I would start looking somewhere else. We need to take care of her, she said. (The director told me about their conversation afterward.) It was really nice to have someone in my corner pushing my interests. I feel very fortunate in this regard. I'm guessing the upgrade will happen in January, but we will see.
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
Curiosity, Not Passion
Elizabeth Gilbert gave a TED talk in which she said to "follow your curiosity" instead of your passion. Following your passion, she said, puts pressure on you to choose one thing to "love" and pursue it. However, in reality, many of us have several things we enjoy. Following curiosity takes that pressure off: you don't have to love something to wonder about it and tinker with it. Furthermore, if you decide to pursue something else, you don't feel like you're "breaking up" with your "passion." I very much agree with this logic: why put pressure on yourself to find your ONE TRUE LOVE when you could instead spend your life seeking answers to all your questions? Some of those questions might stay in one subject for a few hours or a few years, but it's up to where your muse takes you and it's no big deal if the interest doesn't hang around.
Here's a recent personal example: on Monday, I had a conversation with my supervisor about cycling. I was telling her about my ride and she said I must have a passion for it. I thought for a moment and said, "No, not really. It's just something I do. I like to go fast, but I'm also just curious...I wonder if I can go further or climb that hill." "But deep down," she said, "you must have a passion that drives you." I shrugged. It was funny; she was trying to convince me I had a passion and I was trying to convince her I didn't. Right now, cycling is one of my curiosities. I like learning about the effectiveness of body positioning and gripping, some mechanics of the bicycle itself, and my own abilities when I push myself for long distances or uphill. However, I don't love cycling. I don't have an attachment to it or a burning desire to race around outside. I started doing it because I have a bike instead of a car, and when I do get a car, I'd like to try other sports. If cycling falls off the radar, then that's the way it goes. If it hangs around, so be it. Regardless, I prefer not choose a passion, but rather follow my curiosity. It lets me focus on learning instead of defining myself.
Here's a recent personal example: on Monday, I had a conversation with my supervisor about cycling. I was telling her about my ride and she said I must have a passion for it. I thought for a moment and said, "No, not really. It's just something I do. I like to go fast, but I'm also just curious...I wonder if I can go further or climb that hill." "But deep down," she said, "you must have a passion that drives you." I shrugged. It was funny; she was trying to convince me I had a passion and I was trying to convince her I didn't. Right now, cycling is one of my curiosities. I like learning about the effectiveness of body positioning and gripping, some mechanics of the bicycle itself, and my own abilities when I push myself for long distances or uphill. However, I don't love cycling. I don't have an attachment to it or a burning desire to race around outside. I started doing it because I have a bike instead of a car, and when I do get a car, I'd like to try other sports. If cycling falls off the radar, then that's the way it goes. If it hangs around, so be it. Regardless, I prefer not choose a passion, but rather follow my curiosity. It lets me focus on learning instead of defining myself.
Ride Review
The ride on Sunday was both fun and miserable. I'm glad I did it, but I'm not eager to ride over 40 miles again...not on my hybrid anyway. The first half of the ride was fun because there were hills, and I like hills. The second half was not fun because as soon as the route turned south, we had headwind. Somehow, the wind stayed with us the whole rest of the route and I was fighting it, sometimes uphill. The roads weren't awesome either; my wrists hated the bumping. I was tired, hungry, thirsty (and out of water), and I wanted to go home. However, the way home was to finish the ride. I rode for long stretches by myself sometimes, in the boring, flat, and windy nowhere. If there were any 66-milers, they were far ahead and gone. I saw mostly 100-milers who popped in and out of my route: they would pass me and then detour, come back in, repeat. I pushed as hard as I could toward the end because I wanted to go home so badly. The whole ride took me seven hours. After I finished, I rode at a snail's pace back home. Sometimes I walked. At home, I ate a bowl of vegetables, drank some water, and fell asleep for the next 10 hours. The next day I ached.
Before I did the ride, I didn't think it was a big deal. I've nearly ridden this amount, what was 26 more miles? While I was doing the ride, I thought I was nuts and kept asking why the heck I signed up for it. After the ride was over and I was telling people about it, I became proud of the accomplishment. It was a notable thing to do 66+ miles on a bike...up hills, on bumpy roads, and in wind. Every time I look at the map, I feel proud. That ride was terrible and I made it through. I look at the route for the Tour now and shudder - 104 miles? No way! However, I think I'll sign up for it next year. Again, I just want to see if I can do it. In the meantime, though, I need to get a road bike and improve my time. I proved I can do 66 miles, but in order to do 104, I need to be faster and better trained for hills. I'm hoping that with an increased paycheck, I'll be able to better outfit myself for longer, more difficult rides.
I've included a link to the route below (which will also give you all my ride stats) as well as my victory photo.
Route: http://ridewithgps.com/trips/7036226
Before I did the ride, I didn't think it was a big deal. I've nearly ridden this amount, what was 26 more miles? While I was doing the ride, I thought I was nuts and kept asking why the heck I signed up for it. After the ride was over and I was telling people about it, I became proud of the accomplishment. It was a notable thing to do 66+ miles on a bike...up hills, on bumpy roads, and in wind. Every time I look at the map, I feel proud. That ride was terrible and I made it through. I look at the route for the Tour now and shudder - 104 miles? No way! However, I think I'll sign up for it next year. Again, I just want to see if I can do it. In the meantime, though, I need to get a road bike and improve my time. I proved I can do 66 miles, but in order to do 104, I need to be faster and better trained for hills. I'm hoping that with an increased paycheck, I'll be able to better outfit myself for longer, more difficult rides.
I've included a link to the route below (which will also give you all my ride stats) as well as my victory photo.
Route: http://ridewithgps.com/trips/7036226
Saturday, November 7, 2015
66 Miles
Two weekends ago a friend invited me to ride 26 miles with a group of people on small folding bikes. They were preparing for El Tour de Tucson - our city's annual cycling race. It was fun - fun to ride that much and fun to see different parts of the city. Then last weekend, I decided I wanted to ride more, so I went for a 40 mile ride. When I came home, I looked up rides in Tucson to see if there were more people I could join. I found a training ride for the Tour put on by the Greater Arizona Bicycling Association (GABA) happening this weekend. They had three options: 35 miles, 66 miles, and 101 miles. I thought I could do the 35 miles, but could I do 66? On Sunday (the day after I did 40 miles) I decided to ride the 35 mile route. It was challenging and there was definitely a heart-attack hill to climb, but it didn't kill me, so I signed up for the longer one.
Then the preparation and worry began. Let's be clear - I've never ridden 66 miles straight. I ride an average of 10 miles/hr (not very fast) and we have a total of 9 hours to complete the route. This includes bathroom breaks, bike maintenance time (if that should befall you), eating (stands are set up along the way), or changing clothes. Two and a half extra hours seems like plenty of leeway, but there were sections of my ride on Sunday where I was definitely going below my average; uphill I was practically crawling. I've got the back and forth volley going: Can I do this? Yes I can. But can I really? I want to do it. Icarus said the same thing.
Since I'm doing this ride (it isn't even a race), I even went out and bought some cycling shorts, knickers, and a jersey. I figured I should try to look like a cyclist, instead of wearing my oversized, $2.50 jeans from Goodwill and hiking shirt (which are both admittedly comfortable). My bike is a Trek hybrid - not even a road bike - so I'm hoping it can handle the trip as well.
I think the reason I'm doing this in the first place is because I have a competitiveness that comes out every so often. My coworker told me about a former resident and fellow who a few months ago had completed 70 miles on a bicycle. This girl can't be over five feet tall. She's a tiny thing that never exercised, wore only high heels and skirts, and had a long, blonde, wavy ponytail that swished around when she walked. She looked like a doll from the land of cupcakes. If she can do 70 miles, so can I.
On the other side of the coin, I also just like to push myself physically, because it feels good and I'm curious. I'll do something - like ride up a giant hill - and ask myself, "Can I do more? What would happen if I kept going?" There's also that awesome feeling of flying down a steep hill and leaning into a turn. Feeling fast is an adrenaline rush for me.
Right now, cycling and a little strength training is about all I can manage right now. It's cheap and I have to do it anyway, because I'm carless. However, I enjoy feeling competitive again, even if it's only against Yesterday Amy. It's a neat feeling to look back at a hill and say, "I just climbed that," or look at a map and see the distance I covered. Tomorrow is the day and I hope all goes well. I hope I can walk on Monday. I'll keep you posted.
Then the preparation and worry began. Let's be clear - I've never ridden 66 miles straight. I ride an average of 10 miles/hr (not very fast) and we have a total of 9 hours to complete the route. This includes bathroom breaks, bike maintenance time (if that should befall you), eating (stands are set up along the way), or changing clothes. Two and a half extra hours seems like plenty of leeway, but there were sections of my ride on Sunday where I was definitely going below my average; uphill I was practically crawling. I've got the back and forth volley going: Can I do this? Yes I can. But can I really? I want to do it. Icarus said the same thing.
Since I'm doing this ride (it isn't even a race), I even went out and bought some cycling shorts, knickers, and a jersey. I figured I should try to look like a cyclist, instead of wearing my oversized, $2.50 jeans from Goodwill and hiking shirt (which are both admittedly comfortable). My bike is a Trek hybrid - not even a road bike - so I'm hoping it can handle the trip as well.
I think the reason I'm doing this in the first place is because I have a competitiveness that comes out every so often. My coworker told me about a former resident and fellow who a few months ago had completed 70 miles on a bicycle. This girl can't be over five feet tall. She's a tiny thing that never exercised, wore only high heels and skirts, and had a long, blonde, wavy ponytail that swished around when she walked. She looked like a doll from the land of cupcakes. If she can do 70 miles, so can I.
On the other side of the coin, I also just like to push myself physically, because it feels good and I'm curious. I'll do something - like ride up a giant hill - and ask myself, "Can I do more? What would happen if I kept going?" There's also that awesome feeling of flying down a steep hill and leaning into a turn. Feeling fast is an adrenaline rush for me.
Right now, cycling and a little strength training is about all I can manage right now. It's cheap and I have to do it anyway, because I'm carless. However, I enjoy feeling competitive again, even if it's only against Yesterday Amy. It's a neat feeling to look back at a hill and say, "I just climbed that," or look at a map and see the distance I covered. Tomorrow is the day and I hope all goes well. I hope I can walk on Monday. I'll keep you posted.
Saturday, October 24, 2015
Job proposal
As people gradually found out yesterday that my coworker - Norma - was leaving, the more they moped and said things like, "No one will be able to replace her." A few asked me if I was going to take over her job. All I could say was, "I don't know what they have planned."
Later in the morning one of our faculty members, Dr. T, came to me and said how it was very important to her that I keep the medical student program. My heart sank, because I couldn't do medical students and be a residency manager at the same time...and whatever Dr. T wanted, usually Dr. T got. She also voiced how her relationship with Norma was very good and that she met all of her deadlines because of her (and Dr. T "had a lot of paperwork to do"). Also, the MSK fellowship was a success because of Norma. She's had six assistants in the past who did poor jobs of maintaining her work and she needed someone she could trust. Therefore she told Marcos (our executive administrator) that she wanted me to keep the medical students, take on the MSK fellowship, and be her assistant - but only if I relinquished my duties as a scheduler and runner of odds and ends for the 25 other doctors. I nodded hesitantly. This is exactly what I did not want. Dr. T is a micromanager and a person very much set in her ways (she's also stereotypical Eastern European). She likes her systems and wants everything done her way. When I first started working at Medical Imaging, she freaked out because, while she was away, I put an envelope in her mailbox and sent her an email letting her know it was there. She proceeded to call all the managing admins letting them know what I had done, asking what the envelope contained, and insisting that all mail be given to Norma only. We've gotten along better over the year and a half, but her insecure need to exert control was not something I wanted. She asked me if I was interested in doing this work for her, but it came across more like, You can answer however you want as long as it's my way. I managed to be noncommittal and said it will depend on what the administration wants to do with me. She agreed and said it will depend on what they want, but if they gave me a choice she wanted me to know that she'd put a claim on me (my paraphrase). I told her I'd think about her proposal.
This stressed me out...in addition to simply applying for the residency manager job. The qualifications for the position were hefty. I was sure I could do everything, but the learning curve would be steep. I imagined that if I did get the position, I would have early mornings and late evenings just to keep my head above water, at least in the beginning. Yet, somehow I found myself willing to risk the added stress for the paycheck and additional responsibilities. I was bored with my work and wanted more. My coworker Samantha was trying to hand over to me her work with the expense accounts, which I would have taken had Norma not left. But ever since the announcement, things have been scrambled, and Amy has been placed in the position of Pawn once again (the first time was when the fellowship coordinator left earlier in the year). I wanted a say in the matter before people put me some place because it was convenient for them. I saw Marcos a couple times that day, but he never mentioned anything to me.
Toward the end of the day, Dr. Gilbertson, the residency director, called me into her office to chat. She explained how Norma had mentioned me taking over as residency manager, but she thought the job would be too much for me right now since I've had no exposure to it. She didn't want me to be overwhelmed and set up for failure; part of the reason Norma was leaving was because the job was too stressful for her. Dr. Gilbertson proposed instead that I become a residency coordinator, or right hand to the manager. That way, I can learn about the residency without taking on the full responsibility of it. I can also continue with the medical students and take on the MSK fellowship. No doubt she had been talking to Dr. T as well. I was ok with this, though. I felt it would be enough without being too overbearing. Furthermore, the position would allow for "upward mobility" - as Dr. Gilbertson said - if I became TAGME certified; I could then potentially move into a managing position if I chose. I was ok with this too.
I then turned the conversation briefly to ask how Dr. Gilbertson was doing. She said she was doing alright, though she had her moments. I could see sadness in her eyes. She had worked with Norma for 10 years. Norma was not only her colleague, but also a friend. Dr. Gilbertson and Dr. T were both on the verge of crying when they talked about Norma leaving. She was very special to them. I questioned, though, whether Norma felt returned the feelings...whether she actually thought of them as friends or simply interacted with them as friendly superiors. This is only a guess on my part, but the latter seemed more true than the former from what I observed. Granted, I only saw a small scope of their relationship.
We turned the conversation back to the coordinator position and Dr. Gilbertson said she would push this idea with Marcos.
"Then maybe you can work towards a car!" She smiled. She knew I wanted one.
"Yes," I said. "That is the plan, actually." She asked about my plan and if I was getting closer to achieving it. I told her I was...slowly. I said that I wanted to see what would happen within the next year and what kind of work came my way. I was given a small raise in July, but if within this coming year I wasn't earning enough, I would need to start looking elsewhere...because I did want a car. She picked up the piece of paper with the job outline and said, "So this is timely then?" "Yes."
I enjoyed my chat with Dr. Gilbertson, and it felt good to let someone in on my world outside of work. However, talking with a doctor about upward mobility as a coordinator seemed superficial and slightly paternalistic. Clearly, the way she achieved upward mobility was by going to school for 9-10 years. The standard salary of an academic radiologist is $310,000-$350,000. Amy makes less than $30,000. My "upward mobility" is pennies compared to hers and it struck me as a joke to even use that phrase. Being a coordinator is not where I plan to lay my career.
After returning to my desk, Dr. T came in and asked if I'd thought about her idea for me. I told her what Dr. Gilbertson and I had discussed: taking on part of the residency - "and the rest with me," she cut in.
"Well, continuing the medical students, and taking on the MSK fellowship."
"And being my assistant."
"She didn't exactly say that -"
"That's what she meant."
In my head, I gave an exasperated sigh. Dr. T started talking again about Norma and the work that she did and how well they got on for x number of years. I finally gave in. I had part of the residency and that's what I wanted. I decided I could deal with Dr. T if I had to, so I gave her an affirmative answer. There was spring in her usual hurried walk as she left for the day.
Later in the morning one of our faculty members, Dr. T, came to me and said how it was very important to her that I keep the medical student program. My heart sank, because I couldn't do medical students and be a residency manager at the same time...and whatever Dr. T wanted, usually Dr. T got. She also voiced how her relationship with Norma was very good and that she met all of her deadlines because of her (and Dr. T "had a lot of paperwork to do"). Also, the MSK fellowship was a success because of Norma. She's had six assistants in the past who did poor jobs of maintaining her work and she needed someone she could trust. Therefore she told Marcos (our executive administrator) that she wanted me to keep the medical students, take on the MSK fellowship, and be her assistant - but only if I relinquished my duties as a scheduler and runner of odds and ends for the 25 other doctors. I nodded hesitantly. This is exactly what I did not want. Dr. T is a micromanager and a person very much set in her ways (she's also stereotypical Eastern European). She likes her systems and wants everything done her way. When I first started working at Medical Imaging, she freaked out because, while she was away, I put an envelope in her mailbox and sent her an email letting her know it was there. She proceeded to call all the managing admins letting them know what I had done, asking what the envelope contained, and insisting that all mail be given to Norma only. We've gotten along better over the year and a half, but her insecure need to exert control was not something I wanted. She asked me if I was interested in doing this work for her, but it came across more like, You can answer however you want as long as it's my way. I managed to be noncommittal and said it will depend on what the administration wants to do with me. She agreed and said it will depend on what they want, but if they gave me a choice she wanted me to know that she'd put a claim on me (my paraphrase). I told her I'd think about her proposal.
This stressed me out...in addition to simply applying for the residency manager job. The qualifications for the position were hefty. I was sure I could do everything, but the learning curve would be steep. I imagined that if I did get the position, I would have early mornings and late evenings just to keep my head above water, at least in the beginning. Yet, somehow I found myself willing to risk the added stress for the paycheck and additional responsibilities. I was bored with my work and wanted more. My coworker Samantha was trying to hand over to me her work with the expense accounts, which I would have taken had Norma not left. But ever since the announcement, things have been scrambled, and Amy has been placed in the position of Pawn once again (the first time was when the fellowship coordinator left earlier in the year). I wanted a say in the matter before people put me some place because it was convenient for them. I saw Marcos a couple times that day, but he never mentioned anything to me.
Toward the end of the day, Dr. Gilbertson, the residency director, called me into her office to chat. She explained how Norma had mentioned me taking over as residency manager, but she thought the job would be too much for me right now since I've had no exposure to it. She didn't want me to be overwhelmed and set up for failure; part of the reason Norma was leaving was because the job was too stressful for her. Dr. Gilbertson proposed instead that I become a residency coordinator, or right hand to the manager. That way, I can learn about the residency without taking on the full responsibility of it. I can also continue with the medical students and take on the MSK fellowship. No doubt she had been talking to Dr. T as well. I was ok with this, though. I felt it would be enough without being too overbearing. Furthermore, the position would allow for "upward mobility" - as Dr. Gilbertson said - if I became TAGME certified; I could then potentially move into a managing position if I chose. I was ok with this too.
I then turned the conversation briefly to ask how Dr. Gilbertson was doing. She said she was doing alright, though she had her moments. I could see sadness in her eyes. She had worked with Norma for 10 years. Norma was not only her colleague, but also a friend. Dr. Gilbertson and Dr. T were both on the verge of crying when they talked about Norma leaving. She was very special to them. I questioned, though, whether Norma felt returned the feelings...whether she actually thought of them as friends or simply interacted with them as friendly superiors. This is only a guess on my part, but the latter seemed more true than the former from what I observed. Granted, I only saw a small scope of their relationship.
We turned the conversation back to the coordinator position and Dr. Gilbertson said she would push this idea with Marcos.
"Then maybe you can work towards a car!" She smiled. She knew I wanted one.
"Yes," I said. "That is the plan, actually." She asked about my plan and if I was getting closer to achieving it. I told her I was...slowly. I said that I wanted to see what would happen within the next year and what kind of work came my way. I was given a small raise in July, but if within this coming year I wasn't earning enough, I would need to start looking elsewhere...because I did want a car. She picked up the piece of paper with the job outline and said, "So this is timely then?" "Yes."
I enjoyed my chat with Dr. Gilbertson, and it felt good to let someone in on my world outside of work. However, talking with a doctor about upward mobility as a coordinator seemed superficial and slightly paternalistic. Clearly, the way she achieved upward mobility was by going to school for 9-10 years. The standard salary of an academic radiologist is $310,000-$350,000. Amy makes less than $30,000. My "upward mobility" is pennies compared to hers and it struck me as a joke to even use that phrase. Being a coordinator is not where I plan to lay my career.
After returning to my desk, Dr. T came in and asked if I'd thought about her idea for me. I told her what Dr. Gilbertson and I had discussed: taking on part of the residency - "and the rest with me," she cut in.
"Well, continuing the medical students, and taking on the MSK fellowship."
"And being my assistant."
"She didn't exactly say that -"
"That's what she meant."
In my head, I gave an exasperated sigh. Dr. T started talking again about Norma and the work that she did and how well they got on for x number of years. I finally gave in. I had part of the residency and that's what I wanted. I decided I could deal with Dr. T if I had to, so I gave her an affirmative answer. There was spring in her usual hurried walk as she left for the day.
Monday, October 19, 2015
When a potential job falls in your hands...
Remember way back when I told my boss that not only did I not want to be a manager for her company but I was also leaving to the UA? My coworker - a manager at my office - did nearly the same thing today. She announced that she would be going to work at a different hospital beginning December 1st, and telling everyone weighed on her heavily. She's a motherly-type person and definitely not the strongest-willed. However, when someone came to her with a job offer that gave her everything and more than our department could, she had to take it. She had been at Medical Imaging for 10 years.
She had told me about the offer two weeks ago and I was under the strictest confidence not to repeat anything. She didn't even know if she would take it. However, now that she's made it official, I couldn't be more proud of her. She had to have some hard conversations with people she's worked with for years. Tears were shed by a few individuals, but almost everyone wished her luck and said this was for the best.
This is where Amy comes in. When she first told me she had been offered a job, she added, "And you could be here," motioning to her office. The last time one of our employees left and people tried to push a coordinator job on me, I pushed back and refused on all fronts. Not this time, though. The thought of taking on the residency excited me. I wanted the challenge and the paycheck (no sense beating around the bush). After my coworker told her boss (one of the doctors) that she was leaving, she recommended that I take her place. The doctor asked, "Amy could work...how do we do it, though? Do we just give it to her?" My coworker said I could earn more if they posted the position, had me apply, and then accepted...rather than simply promote me. So here I am at home working on my resume. I am not counting on getting this job, but I'm definitely giving it a shot. I'm banking on going through everything (application, interview, waiting...) and encountering some tough questions. They may go with someone who has been a program manager before and tack on the assistant part to my work load (and pay me a few pennies more next year). Either way, though, I'm excited to try even if it doesn't work out.
Still, it would be great if two of us came out winners from this situation.
She had told me about the offer two weeks ago and I was under the strictest confidence not to repeat anything. She didn't even know if she would take it. However, now that she's made it official, I couldn't be more proud of her. She had to have some hard conversations with people she's worked with for years. Tears were shed by a few individuals, but almost everyone wished her luck and said this was for the best.
This is where Amy comes in. When she first told me she had been offered a job, she added, "And you could be here," motioning to her office. The last time one of our employees left and people tried to push a coordinator job on me, I pushed back and refused on all fronts. Not this time, though. The thought of taking on the residency excited me. I wanted the challenge and the paycheck (no sense beating around the bush). After my coworker told her boss (one of the doctors) that she was leaving, she recommended that I take her place. The doctor asked, "Amy could work...how do we do it, though? Do we just give it to her?" My coworker said I could earn more if they posted the position, had me apply, and then accepted...rather than simply promote me. So here I am at home working on my resume. I am not counting on getting this job, but I'm definitely giving it a shot. I'm banking on going through everything (application, interview, waiting...) and encountering some tough questions. They may go with someone who has been a program manager before and tack on the assistant part to my work load (and pay me a few pennies more next year). Either way, though, I'm excited to try even if it doesn't work out.
Still, it would be great if two of us came out winners from this situation.
Saturday, October 3, 2015
Oh the writing!
September has sent my mind reeling. Things have happened and my brain was going to explode from all the thoughts. However, it hasn't - so I will write them here.
First, my reading has changed. I could barely pick up a work of fiction before, and now it's what I mostly try to read. Mainly because I want to write it. This desire truly felt like it came out of nowhere (though the Harry Potter incident - see previous post - helped it along considerably). My brain has been busily scouting for books and running through ideas like a madman running down the street. I admit that feel so behind. I haven't read fiction in a while and this is part of the equation of getting good at it. So much to do!
Second, I've decided on a career path. YES CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?! I've decided to pursue technical writing/editing as my money-making endeavor. I'd been talking to a friend last weekend and she was telling me about her writing and getting grants. I started thinking about grants...and grant writing...and I remembered a position at the UA for a grant/technical writer that looked interesting to me. Someone in this position would write proposals, help write/edit manuscripts, write for grants, and do other similar work. I decided to research technical writing. Now a week later, I'm a member of the Society for Technical Communication. I've started looking into certification and degree programs, but I'm hoping to talk to a professional and see what kind of education I really need. Arizona State University and Northern Arizona University offer technical/professional master's degrees that I can take online AND I receive a considerable discount since I'm a UA employee (tuition at one of these institutions is $25 for 9 credits...yeah...).
As with everything else, these things could fade, but I don't think they will. Not soon anyway. The reason I believe this is because with everything else I've considered doing, there has been a giant "wall" I would have needed to climb. The wall was made of significantly more education and involved returning to an environment (formal schooling) that I didn't much care for. These barriers don't exist in this situation...which makes a future in writing easier to pursue.
Saturday, September 19, 2015
Wishing I Could Stand Still
The 20s are about exploring, but I want to be done and settled for at least a few years. I'm talking about my career. This year, I've managed to convince myself into several. First, I wanted to get an MBA and become a director or accountant of some kind...and then I lost interest. I've thought about becoming a psychotherapist or psychologist (researcher), but again, after a few weeks my attention went else where. Most recently, I've been reading textbooks on human anatomy and physiology and radiology (I mean, I have immediate access to radiology texts so why not?). I was truly enjoying them...but even this interest has waned.
The other day, I posted a question on facebook about which subjects at Hogwarts people would choose as their specialties. It was a random question out of nowhere, and I was interested to see my friends' thought processes behind the decisions they made more than anything. However, once I put it up, I became introspective about myself. It's silly to think that a question like this and the subject (Young Adult fiction of all things) would make me think more deeply about myself. But it did. It opened up a part of me that's been off to the side for a few months.
I think of myself as having two sides. One likes to see structure, numbers, and evidence; it likes to research. The other prefers creativity, expression, and deep thinking. They fight with each other more than they work together. Sometimes I want to be something logical and practical. I want to earn a good living and function methodically at work (stay emotionally uninvolved). Yet other times I want meaning in my career and I want it to be something that taps into a more innate ability and involving more depth.
I couldn't tell you the direction I want to head in right now, but I do know one thing - I want to stop moving. I'm tired of having things slip through my fingers like water. I want to be done with the movement for a few years. I want a solid trajectory and to generally stick to it.
The other day, I posted a question on facebook about which subjects at Hogwarts people would choose as their specialties. It was a random question out of nowhere, and I was interested to see my friends' thought processes behind the decisions they made more than anything. However, once I put it up, I became introspective about myself. It's silly to think that a question like this and the subject (Young Adult fiction of all things) would make me think more deeply about myself. But it did. It opened up a part of me that's been off to the side for a few months.
I think of myself as having two sides. One likes to see structure, numbers, and evidence; it likes to research. The other prefers creativity, expression, and deep thinking. They fight with each other more than they work together. Sometimes I want to be something logical and practical. I want to earn a good living and function methodically at work (stay emotionally uninvolved). Yet other times I want meaning in my career and I want it to be something that taps into a more innate ability and involving more depth.
I couldn't tell you the direction I want to head in right now, but I do know one thing - I want to stop moving. I'm tired of having things slip through my fingers like water. I want to be done with the movement for a few years. I want a solid trajectory and to generally stick to it.
Saturday, July 11, 2015
Mating in Captivity: Negotiating Intimacy and Desire & Personal Take-Aways
I began reading Mating in Captivity hoping to learn the role of sex in long-term relationships, apart from procreation. I wanted to understand how it fueled marital conflict and how this conflict could be resolved...or even avoided. While reading, though, I discovered the answers to my questions were complex. The author and psychotherapist, Esther Perel, does not give the reader definitive responses, but instead opens the discussion to a big-picture view. She discusses culture and history...the things that mold our perceptions of sex, relationships, and ourselves. So while I was expecting an expert's opinion on relationship dynamics, I found something more beautifully complex - a window into the cultural and psychological shaping of human sexuality.
The main thesis of this book is that intimacy and desire are needed for a fulfilling relationship, but they require contradicting circumstances. Perel states that intimacy needs closeness, but desire needs distance. Intimacy is important because it creates stability: knowing each other allows you function better as a unit. It's also the "caring" part of the relationship - putting someone else before yourself (nurturing them, being responsible for them, etc.). Desire, however, is what keeps a couple romantically interested in each other. It comes from the unknown and the anticipation of what will come. For some couples, this thesis may not be correct. Knowing each other more may create more desire, which is great. Yet there are many who find themselves frustrated because the "flame" has died. For these couples, Perel does not offer a single solution for reconciling desire and intimacy, because there isn't one. However, they can be managed according to each unique relationship, and it comes down to negotiating distance (physical, emotional, and verbal).
In discussing the negotiation between intimacy and desire, Perel brings up numerous points regarding sex and sexuality within society and within oneself. I decided to talk about just a few that impacted the way I thought about relationships and myself.
1) A Person for a Village
In cultures where three generations live under one roof and/or communities are close-knit (everyone knows everyone's business), achieving intimacy isn't an issue. Everyone is probably close enough. However, in our modern American culture, we have an ability to communicate without actually seeing each other. As beneficial as this is, the lack of physical presence may leave us longing for intimacy more than any other generation. Then, when we find a partner, we are at risk for putting too many expectations on that person: to provide stability, excitement, sexual fulfillment, counsel, and friendship...essentially take on multiple and contradictory roles. It is possible for someone to do this in bits and pieces, but one cannot expect a person to fulfill his/her partner completely. When trying to fill the intimacy void goes too far, it could make people needy and/or controlling and also lead to much disappointment.
This point struck me because it shows how some problems in relationships extend beyond the couple...they are results of the culture, not simply the individuals involved. Perel doesn't offer an answer for working around this specifically, but in my life, I'm trying to open my network more to fill the lack of intimacy. Instead of turning only to my significant other, I try to spend more time with friends and talk to my family. When I need to process things and no one is available to talk, I go for a long bike ride. I search for small ways to meet my needs that aren't dependent on my partner. It isn't easy, and sometimes I have to let a need go unmet. However, I try to be conscious of the fact that there are two people in my relationship and that we can't do and be everything for each other.
2) Eroticism as a Map
I used to view eroticism as a repulsive concept - it was vulgar and indecent. Disgusting. While reading this book, I learned I was not alone in my belief...and that I was also incredibly misinformed.
Eroticism is sexual desire, but it's layered and complicated. When you investigate another person's desire (or maybe your own) you find a map of the psyche. Erotic fantasies - no matter how simple or complex - can reveal the way a person perceives himself, how she balances power between her and society, and how he was loved and/or hurt in the past (by individuals or society at large). Erotic fantasies are attached to some of our deepest vulnerabilities, and being able to express them is a way to experience freedom. In fantasies, we are able to go against what is expected of us and be in control of our environment. Demonstrating them to another puts the person in a vulnerable situation. However, if welcomed, it can correct a personal imbalance and satisfy a mental need. Why sex is the vehicle for experiencing this kind of freedom, I'm not sure. Maybe because it's the one thing about our human nature that is most stifled in public. I no longer see eroticism as something that should be suppressed, but rather as a means to better understand one's history and needs, as well as a way to escape cultural pressures and expectations. One could even say it has a healing quality...maybe Marvin Gaye was onto something...
3) Sexual Make Up
In order to understand where a couple's issues take root, Esther Perel has to unfold her clients' histories. She explores the family, religious, and cultural dynamics in their childhoods. Reading these accounts, of course, made me reflect on the role sex has played in the course of my life. For most of it - I'm sad to say - I've held negative and restrictive views of intercourse and eroticism, and only over the past two years have I been unpacking them and their origins. I never realized how much they affected me...the way I interacted with and viewed other people and, more importantly, the way I felt about myself...as a growing, maturing person. There has been a lot of internal pain by trying to keep myself "safe" and within the lines. I've probably perpetuated that pain in others, as well. I tried to pinpoint where my views came from and how they developed, but the truth is they are built into the system in which I live - government, education, religion, and the influence of family and friends. I understand that institutions are in place to keep sex from being misused, but I wish I had been taught differently. I was directly told that "yes, yes, sex is a beautiful and good thing if kept within ____ boundaries and under ____ conditions." However, indirectly, the more powerful message that stayed with me was that it caused problems, it was sinful, and it needed to be contained. I've felt the consequences of this message, and yet I can't blame anyone for it. Tradition is a powerful force and many people pass things along in the best interests of others, especially their children.
Many of us think of sexuality and sex as adult concepts, but it is with us from birth. We are sexual beings even as children, and how people teach us about sex affects our self-esteem, the way we perceive, and how we perform everyday functions. Between two people, sex creates life, but within an individual, sex (hormones, organs, fantasy) lets a person live. Even if a person never sleeps with someone else, sex is still a building block of his/her life. I am just sad that so much shame and stigma is attached to it.
While the primary purpose of Mating in Captivity is to help couples balance intimacy and excitement, it goes beyond offering suggestions for issues on the surface. Esther Perel helps her readers understand that managing the balance means knowing yourself, your personal history, and your culture. The unspoken rules our society maintains, the ideals we come to believe, and our childhood experiences play as much of a role in our relationships as do complimentary values, habits, and attractive features. Beyond self exploration, she invites you to experiment with your relationship...communicate in different ways or change the direction of your daily energy. Mating in Captivity won't gain favor with everyone, because some of the ideas Perel brings up are against the grain (even I didn't agree with all of them). However, the multicultural perspectives she brings to the table are worth reading. I hope they catch on in the United States...for the sake of the mental and physical health of our people.
The main thesis of this book is that intimacy and desire are needed for a fulfilling relationship, but they require contradicting circumstances. Perel states that intimacy needs closeness, but desire needs distance. Intimacy is important because it creates stability: knowing each other allows you function better as a unit. It's also the "caring" part of the relationship - putting someone else before yourself (nurturing them, being responsible for them, etc.). Desire, however, is what keeps a couple romantically interested in each other. It comes from the unknown and the anticipation of what will come. For some couples, this thesis may not be correct. Knowing each other more may create more desire, which is great. Yet there are many who find themselves frustrated because the "flame" has died. For these couples, Perel does not offer a single solution for reconciling desire and intimacy, because there isn't one. However, they can be managed according to each unique relationship, and it comes down to negotiating distance (physical, emotional, and verbal).
In discussing the negotiation between intimacy and desire, Perel brings up numerous points regarding sex and sexuality within society and within oneself. I decided to talk about just a few that impacted the way I thought about relationships and myself.
1) A Person for a Village
In cultures where three generations live under one roof and/or communities are close-knit (everyone knows everyone's business), achieving intimacy isn't an issue. Everyone is probably close enough. However, in our modern American culture, we have an ability to communicate without actually seeing each other. As beneficial as this is, the lack of physical presence may leave us longing for intimacy more than any other generation. Then, when we find a partner, we are at risk for putting too many expectations on that person: to provide stability, excitement, sexual fulfillment, counsel, and friendship...essentially take on multiple and contradictory roles. It is possible for someone to do this in bits and pieces, but one cannot expect a person to fulfill his/her partner completely. When trying to fill the intimacy void goes too far, it could make people needy and/or controlling and also lead to much disappointment.
This point struck me because it shows how some problems in relationships extend beyond the couple...they are results of the culture, not simply the individuals involved. Perel doesn't offer an answer for working around this specifically, but in my life, I'm trying to open my network more to fill the lack of intimacy. Instead of turning only to my significant other, I try to spend more time with friends and talk to my family. When I need to process things and no one is available to talk, I go for a long bike ride. I search for small ways to meet my needs that aren't dependent on my partner. It isn't easy, and sometimes I have to let a need go unmet. However, I try to be conscious of the fact that there are two people in my relationship and that we can't do and be everything for each other.
2) Eroticism as a Map
I used to view eroticism as a repulsive concept - it was vulgar and indecent. Disgusting. While reading this book, I learned I was not alone in my belief...and that I was also incredibly misinformed.
Eroticism is sexual desire, but it's layered and complicated. When you investigate another person's desire (or maybe your own) you find a map of the psyche. Erotic fantasies - no matter how simple or complex - can reveal the way a person perceives himself, how she balances power between her and society, and how he was loved and/or hurt in the past (by individuals or society at large). Erotic fantasies are attached to some of our deepest vulnerabilities, and being able to express them is a way to experience freedom. In fantasies, we are able to go against what is expected of us and be in control of our environment. Demonstrating them to another puts the person in a vulnerable situation. However, if welcomed, it can correct a personal imbalance and satisfy a mental need. Why sex is the vehicle for experiencing this kind of freedom, I'm not sure. Maybe because it's the one thing about our human nature that is most stifled in public. I no longer see eroticism as something that should be suppressed, but rather as a means to better understand one's history and needs, as well as a way to escape cultural pressures and expectations. One could even say it has a healing quality...maybe Marvin Gaye was onto something...
3) Sexual Make Up
In order to understand where a couple's issues take root, Esther Perel has to unfold her clients' histories. She explores the family, religious, and cultural dynamics in their childhoods. Reading these accounts, of course, made me reflect on the role sex has played in the course of my life. For most of it - I'm sad to say - I've held negative and restrictive views of intercourse and eroticism, and only over the past two years have I been unpacking them and their origins. I never realized how much they affected me...the way I interacted with and viewed other people and, more importantly, the way I felt about myself...as a growing, maturing person. There has been a lot of internal pain by trying to keep myself "safe" and within the lines. I've probably perpetuated that pain in others, as well. I tried to pinpoint where my views came from and how they developed, but the truth is they are built into the system in which I live - government, education, religion, and the influence of family and friends. I understand that institutions are in place to keep sex from being misused, but I wish I had been taught differently. I was directly told that "yes, yes, sex is a beautiful and good thing if kept within ____ boundaries and under ____ conditions." However, indirectly, the more powerful message that stayed with me was that it caused problems, it was sinful, and it needed to be contained. I've felt the consequences of this message, and yet I can't blame anyone for it. Tradition is a powerful force and many people pass things along in the best interests of others, especially their children.
Many of us think of sexuality and sex as adult concepts, but it is with us from birth. We are sexual beings even as children, and how people teach us about sex affects our self-esteem, the way we perceive, and how we perform everyday functions. Between two people, sex creates life, but within an individual, sex (hormones, organs, fantasy) lets a person live. Even if a person never sleeps with someone else, sex is still a building block of his/her life. I am just sad that so much shame and stigma is attached to it.
While the primary purpose of Mating in Captivity is to help couples balance intimacy and excitement, it goes beyond offering suggestions for issues on the surface. Esther Perel helps her readers understand that managing the balance means knowing yourself, your personal history, and your culture. The unspoken rules our society maintains, the ideals we come to believe, and our childhood experiences play as much of a role in our relationships as do complimentary values, habits, and attractive features. Beyond self exploration, she invites you to experiment with your relationship...communicate in different ways or change the direction of your daily energy. Mating in Captivity won't gain favor with everyone, because some of the ideas Perel brings up are against the grain (even I didn't agree with all of them). However, the multicultural perspectives she brings to the table are worth reading. I hope they catch on in the United States...for the sake of the mental and physical health of our people.
Sunday, June 28, 2015
Helping Many, Hurting One
In Elementary, a modern Sherlock Holmes tv series, Sherlock is a recovering drug addict, in addition to a mastermind. He attends meetings to help keep him sober. During these meetings, he shares with the group his own heartfelt insights about the road to recovery. In one episode, he discovers that someone is publishing his insights anonymously on a blog. He finds the person and tells him to stop - those are his private thoughts. The writer says that remembering Sherlock's words from the meetings has helped him not use drugs in times of weakness, and the blog has helped other people similarly. Sherlock says that may be, but he has come to trust the meeting place as a "vault" where his thoughts can be kept private. If that is no longer the case, then he can no longer attend the meetings. If he can't attend the meetings, he will be vulnerable to use again. Sherlock says, "I depend on every member of this group - including you - to care about my sobriety." Eventually, the writer takes down the site.
This scene affected me deeply, because I write people's stories in hopes that they may help a greater audience. The idea that sharing someone's story could, in fact, harm him/her while benefitting hundreds of others made me feel guilty, sad, and torn. Maybe this kind of sharing is selfish...I'm not actually honoring someone, but rather making him/her a spectacle for my own enjoyment (getting a rush out of writing something meaningful). On sensitive topics or particularly private people, I do take care to think about the person's privacy. However, it is possible for me to cross boundaries. The scene from the show made me question the ethics of something I love to do. It was a little jolting...that having a potential unethical passion can occur for me.
Monday, May 18, 2015
Mating in Captivity
It's unfortunate, but I hear a fair amount of reservation - and sometimes straight-up negativity -surrounding marriage: at work, among people I hang around with, and even in public places. I was sitting at a pool at someone's apartment complex and the people swimming were going on about how bad it was. I was very uncomfortable.
Discussions like this make me question whether marriage is possible long-term...it seems like everyone has gotten divorced or is getting divorced now. However, I believe in long-term marriage and I want to do it. Therefore, I've set out on a journey to figure out what makes a marriage work and what I need to know to prepare myself. The benefit of hearing people talk, though, has given me a clue into the problem factors - people married too young or didn't think through the logistics are two common ones. But what about the others? Novelty and insecurity (not knowing how the person feels about you and if you can hang on to him/her) make a relationship exciting and passionate. Yet people crave security and knowledge and need them to build a stable relationship. So how does one reconcile this? How does one keep passion alive while maintaining trust and security? In lieu of asking people this personal question, I've turned to books, podcasts, and TED talks. The book I'm reading now is called, Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel. She's a family and marriage psychologist who has worked with many couples across different cultures. Because of this, she can see how Americans view relationships and how we set ourselves up for problems. I've been impressed with her insights so far and I'm going to recommend you read her book if you wonder the same thing as me - how can you make a long-term relationship work? She's also done TED talks and writes different articles on love, eroticism, and maintaining a relationship with children. I find it very fascinating from a psychological stand point. I will post what I think of it when I'm finished, but I wanted to introduce it in case anyone wants to discuss (you can message me or comment).
Discussions like this make me question whether marriage is possible long-term...it seems like everyone has gotten divorced or is getting divorced now. However, I believe in long-term marriage and I want to do it. Therefore, I've set out on a journey to figure out what makes a marriage work and what I need to know to prepare myself. The benefit of hearing people talk, though, has given me a clue into the problem factors - people married too young or didn't think through the logistics are two common ones. But what about the others? Novelty and insecurity (not knowing how the person feels about you and if you can hang on to him/her) make a relationship exciting and passionate. Yet people crave security and knowledge and need them to build a stable relationship. So how does one reconcile this? How does one keep passion alive while maintaining trust and security? In lieu of asking people this personal question, I've turned to books, podcasts, and TED talks. The book I'm reading now is called, Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel. She's a family and marriage psychologist who has worked with many couples across different cultures. Because of this, she can see how Americans view relationships and how we set ourselves up for problems. I've been impressed with her insights so far and I'm going to recommend you read her book if you wonder the same thing as me - how can you make a long-term relationship work? She's also done TED talks and writes different articles on love, eroticism, and maintaining a relationship with children. I find it very fascinating from a psychological stand point. I will post what I think of it when I'm finished, but I wanted to introduce it in case anyone wants to discuss (you can message me or comment).
Sunday, February 15, 2015
Dancing Release
These days I have an irrepressible desire to dance, and I know it's because I need to release something...a tension or emotion. Sometimes writing will do, but other times I need to feel and let go through movement.
It will be all right
Already into mid-February and I'm more emotionally stable. I didn't know that leaving Catholicism would have such an impact on me. I'm still confused and I'm still sad, but it's much less dramatic than before. A friend and I had a general conversation about the ordeal today, in which I explained: "Catholicism was my structure (for my life and morality), and I like structure. It gives me a guideline to measure myself against. But when I separated from it in January, my structure shattered into pieces. I picked up the few I still believed in - God, Jesus, and Mary - and left the rest behind. So technically my slate was not wiped clean, but now I don't have a structure."
My situation is a mixed bag. On one hand, I want to find a Christian group to fit into again, but I also enjoy the freedom of being unlabeled. I also tend to feel sad when I go by a Catholic church or when I hear people talk about church in general. However, I don't feel right going back, because I just don't believe what they believe anymore. I feel like an outsider and I have too much respect for the Mass to intrude. I do miss the rituals, though...all the standing, sitting, kneeling, candle-lighting and incense burning that make non-Catholics sick...and I don't know how I will feel about Easter coming around and me not being a part of it. We will have to see; my religion is a work in progress.
My situation is a mixed bag. On one hand, I want to find a Christian group to fit into again, but I also enjoy the freedom of being unlabeled. I also tend to feel sad when I go by a Catholic church or when I hear people talk about church in general. However, I don't feel right going back, because I just don't believe what they believe anymore. I feel like an outsider and I have too much respect for the Mass to intrude. I do miss the rituals, though...all the standing, sitting, kneeling, candle-lighting and incense burning that make non-Catholics sick...and I don't know how I will feel about Easter coming around and me not being a part of it. We will have to see; my religion is a work in progress.
Just know it happened
In my 2014 review, I had written that I was done "finding myself." I didn't flit after every idea anymore, thinking that each one was my life calling. I felt like I knew my mind and tendencies, and I wouldn't face regular identity fluctuation anymore. But I was so wrong: three days later my world fell to pieces.
The collapsing took place over two weeks while a heavy current of emotional pain poured out of me. I don't know how to describe the pain exactly...something similar to when my parents divorced perhaps.
Then everything stabilized...but I felt like I was falling in slow motion, and a numbness came over me. At that point, I realized I was on the other side of a divide. In my mind, I saw a stone wall with an iron gate and through the bars was the former Amy. I studied her face and saw all she knew and believed...and realized I would never be that same Amy again. I was aware. So I did the only thing I could: I picked up my bag - containing the few pieces of my life I could gather - turned around, and walked away.
I was in a fog for the last two weeks of January and felt very lost. When you go through a life-changing event, you tend to lose things. The thing I lost was my spirituality. If any of you have read the trilogy, His Dark Materials, I likened the feeling to when a person is separated from his dæmon (spirit).
In a way this event was a divorce between me and my religion. Some people are able to fade out this part of their upbringing, if it was there. Slowly they realize it isn't for them and decrease the time and energy they put into it. My religion, however, was my compass, my refuge, my heart, and my stronghold. I admit that it felt weak within the last year or two, but I never thought it would go away entirely. Maybe I've been in denial, though. Maybe if I looked back closely enough, I could see myself gradually chipping away at it over time.
As much as I want to tell you exactly what happened to cause this falling out, I can't right now...and maybe not for several years. I don't know. It requires a stronger Amy than the one that exists today. So please, do not ask me. I just want you to know, though, that it happened and that I am different.
The collapsing took place over two weeks while a heavy current of emotional pain poured out of me. I don't know how to describe the pain exactly...something similar to when my parents divorced perhaps.
Then everything stabilized...but I felt like I was falling in slow motion, and a numbness came over me. At that point, I realized I was on the other side of a divide. In my mind, I saw a stone wall with an iron gate and through the bars was the former Amy. I studied her face and saw all she knew and believed...and realized I would never be that same Amy again. I was aware. So I did the only thing I could: I picked up my bag - containing the few pieces of my life I could gather - turned around, and walked away.
I was in a fog for the last two weeks of January and felt very lost. When you go through a life-changing event, you tend to lose things. The thing I lost was my spirituality. If any of you have read the trilogy, His Dark Materials, I likened the feeling to when a person is separated from his dæmon (spirit).
In a way this event was a divorce between me and my religion. Some people are able to fade out this part of their upbringing, if it was there. Slowly they realize it isn't for them and decrease the time and energy they put into it. My religion, however, was my compass, my refuge, my heart, and my stronghold. I admit that it felt weak within the last year or two, but I never thought it would go away entirely. Maybe I've been in denial, though. Maybe if I looked back closely enough, I could see myself gradually chipping away at it over time.
As much as I want to tell you exactly what happened to cause this falling out, I can't right now...and maybe not for several years. I don't know. It requires a stronger Amy than the one that exists today. So please, do not ask me. I just want you to know, though, that it happened and that I am different.
Saturday, February 7, 2015
Perpetual Darkness
I have been contemplating pain and transgressions lately. Many people strive to live free of these things: to do as little wrong and hurt/be hurt by as few people or things as possible. However, it is difficult to escape either completely. Sometimes we are the one committing the act and sometimes we are the receiver. I've noticed that after one experiences pain or commits a wrongdoing, a shadow is cast over him. His world becomes tinted and his views a little darker. Pain and wrongdoing, however, have degrees and therefore varying levels of darkness: the worse the affliction, the darker the shadow.
Yet I've also observed something interesting happen when people learn from their darkness. It never goes away - because it occurred in time - but instead of hovering over someone and clouding her view, it attaches to her and casts off in a different direction. It reminds me of a 3D object: the shadow becomes a part of the object itself and gives it depth.
I have found that my own pain and the pain of others - if we learn from it - makes us wiser. It makes us more knowledgable and gives us deeper insight to our humanity, because we actually experience the workings of our brain and body, i.e. the ruling of logic, emotion, adrenaline, hormones, and reflexes. Up until the point of living an event, we are ignorant of it or we've only heard it mentioned. But when it happens, we see, touch, and taste this knowledge...whether we want to or not.
For better or for worse, I find myself drawn to those who have endured some kind of significant pain in their lives and have grown to become better people because of it. In my experience, many of them show they are more capable of understanding or show more empathy than those whose pain experience is relatively light. Of course, I do not wish suffering on anyone. I want people to be happy and live well. However, I cannot deny the insight that comes with adversity nor the greater depth with darker, everlasting shadows. This brings me to a question: is it better to be blissfully ignorant or scarred and aware? Is the knowledge worth the darkness?
Entitlement
One difference I can make between my last job and working for the university is the sense of entitlement regarding leave time. Because small businesses need to run as efficiently as possible, it's important to have just the right amount of people. This means that when a person is sick or goes on vacation, the business is short-handed and often times panic ensues if the absence is sudden. Inevitably, someone will be working overtime unpaid or handling the additional stress. I remember feeling guilty when I took off or feeling a little resentful sometimes (I'm embarrassed to admit) when someone else did. In my mind was a dialogue that went, "I'm so glad she's taking off (it was a business of mostly women), she deserves it," but then, "Did she have to take so many days?? We are swamped! There's no way I can finish everything!"
However, at the university, when someone takes off, the resounding response is, "Good for him/her!" Or in the case of someone being sick, "Oh no! I hope he/she is ok!" There's very little or no guilt or ill feelings. Even if there are ill feelings, people seem to keep them in check. It's like a code of conduct for our right: that every one may take time off. These feelings were expressed less often at the small business, or were accompanied by slight resentment that someone was indulging in a luxury.
Not surprisingly, two different tones are set in these environments, and each affects how you view your coworkers, the value of your work, and the type of goals you have (do you pursue a hobby or catch up on sleep?). In myself, I found the change in all the above striking: my goals are focused more on personal interests (instead of needs), I view my coworkers' attendance and business with more casualty, and - to be honest - I value my work itself less (it's still valued, but I don't have as much heart in it).
Which camp do you fall in and do you find these observations true for your situation?
Thursday, January 1, 2015
Amy's Year in Review 2014
I enjoy looking over my life at the beginning of the New Year. It makes the time I spent living worth my while, by recognizing all I've learned and how much I've changed. Below is my list of Things I've Learned, Accomplishments, and Desires for 2015. To be honest, I don't know if the things I've learned in 2014 were actually during 2014 or if they were some time before that, but I think they're important so they're listed.
Things I've Learned
1) No human feeling is unique: everyone can experience the same emotions (on varying levels), and it is possible to feel a strong emotion repeatedly. This includes love. This year, I had a tough time changing my mindset from the idea that love is unique and highly exclusive to that it is common and shared. The truth is, we can love deeply more than once and we love many people throughout our lives. While I kind of knew this from my relationships with friends and family members, being in a close relationship with someone else made the lesson stark: I had to understand that I am a part of a person's life, not the part. That was a tough pill to swallow ("What?! You mean I'm not the only person you've ever cared about?") However, while I've learned that love itself is common, I've also learned that what comes from love is special: the family you create, the lessons you learn about yourself, and the places it takes you.
2) Talking is better than walking. I am a person who tends to cut things off and be done with them when they aren't working out. I've discovered that it's worth communicating your issues/feelings before walking out, especially if the other person wants to meet you half way.
3) Be able to justify your actions. It's a really great feeling when someone calls you out on a "mistake" and you're able to list solid, logical reasons why you did what you did.
4) You look better when you admit to a mistake than when you try to cover it up. Yes, people want something done in a timely fashion, but - at the core of the issue - they want it done right. Asking for help when you don't know is key.
5) You're given "dumb" passes in life (people forgive you when you do something stupid), but they're limited - try not to use them all up at once.
6) Learn how to fix what you mess up, because messing up is a given.
7) Sometimes you can't fix everything, though, and you have let time do the work. We all have people who won't forgive us, items that we've caught on fire and will never get back, and money (ours or someone else's) that we've tossed out the window...I think there's a specific "dumb pass" for that...Regardless, we just have to hope time will heal all emotional wreckage.
8) My body and physical ambitions have changed. In my early 20s, I thought I had figured out the "formula" to get my body the way I wanted it. Now, however, I'm no longer in that stage of post-adolescent-but-still-have-adolescent-body-functionings, and that formula doesn't work anymore. My body responds differently to food than it used to. I'm also less tolerant of being hungry and I don't have the same fascination with body mechanics anymore (aka I'm not ok with eating only a handful of food for a meal and gyms don't stimulate me like they used to). The resulting physical change has been difficult for me to deal with and I have a feeling life isn't going to be generous as I get older. I'm not giving up, but I'm also learning acceptance...
9) "Finding myself" is over. Thank. Goodness. I no longer look at each opportunity like, "THIS IS WHO I AM AND WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE DOING WITH MY LIFE!" I have a complicated web of interests, but none of them are attached to my identity. I regard the "finding self" stage as the mental puberty of early adulthood: I had to go through it to solidify my identity, but I'm glad it's over.
10) Movies can engage a person intellectually on a deeper level than I expected. They can make you reflect upon your own morals, goals, and thinking patterns. They make you question society. This deeper thinking thing was a pleasant surprise for me. I thought you could only get it - truly - from books.
Accomplishments
Obtained a full-time job with benefits that pays me almost enough to live on (parents still help a little).
Found an apartment that only I live in. Sweet Jesus, I didn't think I'd see the day.
Read several books and watched many tv shows and movies. Who's culturally engaged ??-->>> this one!
Maintained a healthy relationship for over a year (personal record! victory dance!).
Desires/Things to Accomplish for 2015
I'm used to being broke around Christmas and not doing much. This year, I wasn't broke but I did not plan well. I felt like a scrooge when unexpected gifts were left on my desk at work and in my mailbox at home. Next year, I want to be more active about preparing for the holidays (Christmas shopping will happen and cards will be made ahead of time) and appreciate the celebrating on a religious level. I also want an Advent calendar and Jesse tree. Seriously, what's more fun than opening a tiny box every day for a month, pulling out a gift/ornament, and reading an accompanying story? Lots of things, I know, but it's still pretty great.
I want an art project and art skills! I can already see many of you slapping your foreheads - you probably remember the artistic attempts of Summer 2013? Well, I'm back to it again. Right now, the only thing on my list is a kinetic typography video. I'm hoping to have two more projects this year (cards don't count).
Professionally? I'd like to start doing more with communications. I'm going to push to help with the department newsletter and website more. Truth be told, I envy the BioComm department upstairs. I'm sure their lives are filled with tedious work, but I would love some of their technical and creative skill sets.
I struggled with my religion in 2014. I was barely going to Mass once a week, and I developed some riffs with Catholicism. I went as far as looking into various Protestant churches around the city, because I wasn't feeling like I fit in as a Catholic anymore. However, after I went to one such service, I left feeling empty. I immediately missed the richness of the Catholic church, its rituals, and its structure. I like ritual and structure, and I was very appreciative of the next Mass I attended. However, who's to say this couldn't happen again? Therefore, this year I want to read about and engage more with my faith: to start, four books on Catholicism/Christianity.
Health...I'm just keeping on keeping on. Maybe exercise a little more.
I want a group of friends...like from a club I join or something. I don't know if that will happen this year because I can already see myself being very busy. However, I think friends would be a positive addition to my life.
All right, so that is that for 2015. Lots of good stuff happened in 2014, so let's hope that goodness keeps rolling! Do you have any goals for this year or anything you learned from last year that you want to share? If so, please leave a comment or send me a message. Best to you all for 2015!
Things I've Learned
1) No human feeling is unique: everyone can experience the same emotions (on varying levels), and it is possible to feel a strong emotion repeatedly. This includes love. This year, I had a tough time changing my mindset from the idea that love is unique and highly exclusive to that it is common and shared. The truth is, we can love deeply more than once and we love many people throughout our lives. While I kind of knew this from my relationships with friends and family members, being in a close relationship with someone else made the lesson stark: I had to understand that I am a part of a person's life, not the part. That was a tough pill to swallow ("What?! You mean I'm not the only person you've ever cared about?") However, while I've learned that love itself is common, I've also learned that what comes from love is special: the family you create, the lessons you learn about yourself, and the places it takes you.
2) Talking is better than walking. I am a person who tends to cut things off and be done with them when they aren't working out. I've discovered that it's worth communicating your issues/feelings before walking out, especially if the other person wants to meet you half way.
3) Be able to justify your actions. It's a really great feeling when someone calls you out on a "mistake" and you're able to list solid, logical reasons why you did what you did.
4) You look better when you admit to a mistake than when you try to cover it up. Yes, people want something done in a timely fashion, but - at the core of the issue - they want it done right. Asking for help when you don't know is key.
5) You're given "dumb" passes in life (people forgive you when you do something stupid), but they're limited - try not to use them all up at once.
6) Learn how to fix what you mess up, because messing up is a given.
7) Sometimes you can't fix everything, though, and you have let time do the work. We all have people who won't forgive us, items that we've caught on fire and will never get back, and money (ours or someone else's) that we've tossed out the window...I think there's a specific "dumb pass" for that...Regardless, we just have to hope time will heal all emotional wreckage.
8) My body and physical ambitions have changed. In my early 20s, I thought I had figured out the "formula" to get my body the way I wanted it. Now, however, I'm no longer in that stage of post-adolescent-but-still-have-adolescent-body-functionings, and that formula doesn't work anymore. My body responds differently to food than it used to. I'm also less tolerant of being hungry and I don't have the same fascination with body mechanics anymore (aka I'm not ok with eating only a handful of food for a meal and gyms don't stimulate me like they used to). The resulting physical change has been difficult for me to deal with and I have a feeling life isn't going to be generous as I get older. I'm not giving up, but I'm also learning acceptance...
9) "Finding myself" is over. Thank. Goodness. I no longer look at each opportunity like, "THIS IS WHO I AM AND WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE DOING WITH MY LIFE!" I have a complicated web of interests, but none of them are attached to my identity. I regard the "finding self" stage as the mental puberty of early adulthood: I had to go through it to solidify my identity, but I'm glad it's over.
10) Movies can engage a person intellectually on a deeper level than I expected. They can make you reflect upon your own morals, goals, and thinking patterns. They make you question society. This deeper thinking thing was a pleasant surprise for me. I thought you could only get it - truly - from books.
Accomplishments
Obtained a full-time job with benefits that pays me almost enough to live on (parents still help a little).
Found an apartment that only I live in. Sweet Jesus, I didn't think I'd see the day.
Read several books and watched many tv shows and movies. Who's culturally engaged ??-->>> this one!
Maintained a healthy relationship for over a year (personal record! victory dance!).
Desires/Things to Accomplish for 2015
I'm used to being broke around Christmas and not doing much. This year, I wasn't broke but I did not plan well. I felt like a scrooge when unexpected gifts were left on my desk at work and in my mailbox at home. Next year, I want to be more active about preparing for the holidays (Christmas shopping will happen and cards will be made ahead of time) and appreciate the celebrating on a religious level. I also want an Advent calendar and Jesse tree. Seriously, what's more fun than opening a tiny box every day for a month, pulling out a gift/ornament, and reading an accompanying story? Lots of things, I know, but it's still pretty great.
I want an art project and art skills! I can already see many of you slapping your foreheads - you probably remember the artistic attempts of Summer 2013? Well, I'm back to it again. Right now, the only thing on my list is a kinetic typography video. I'm hoping to have two more projects this year (cards don't count).
Professionally? I'd like to start doing more with communications. I'm going to push to help with the department newsletter and website more. Truth be told, I envy the BioComm department upstairs. I'm sure their lives are filled with tedious work, but I would love some of their technical and creative skill sets.
I struggled with my religion in 2014. I was barely going to Mass once a week, and I developed some riffs with Catholicism. I went as far as looking into various Protestant churches around the city, because I wasn't feeling like I fit in as a Catholic anymore. However, after I went to one such service, I left feeling empty. I immediately missed the richness of the Catholic church, its rituals, and its structure. I like ritual and structure, and I was very appreciative of the next Mass I attended. However, who's to say this couldn't happen again? Therefore, this year I want to read about and engage more with my faith: to start, four books on Catholicism/Christianity.
Health...I'm just keeping on keeping on. Maybe exercise a little more.
I want a group of friends...like from a club I join or something. I don't know if that will happen this year because I can already see myself being very busy. However, I think friends would be a positive addition to my life.
All right, so that is that for 2015. Lots of good stuff happened in 2014, so let's hope that goodness keeps rolling! Do you have any goals for this year or anything you learned from last year that you want to share? If so, please leave a comment or send me a message. Best to you all for 2015!
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