Mating in Captivity: Negotiating Intimacy and Desire & Personal Take-Aways

I began reading Mating in Captivity hoping to learn the role of sex in long-term relationships, apart from procreation. I wanted to understand how it fueled marital conflict and how this conflict could be resolved...or even avoided. While reading, though, I discovered the answers to my questions were complex. The author and psychotherapist, Esther Perel, does not give the reader definitive responses, but instead opens the discussion to a big-picture view. She discusses culture and history...the things that mold our perceptions of sex, relationships, and ourselves. So while I was expecting an expert's opinion on relationship dynamics, I found something more beautifully complex - a window into the cultural and psychological shaping of human sexuality.

The main thesis of this book is that intimacy and desire are needed for a fulfilling relationship, but they require contradicting circumstances. Perel states that intimacy needs closeness, but desire needs distance. Intimacy is important because it creates stability: knowing each other allows you function better as a unit. It's also the "caring" part of the relationship - putting someone else before yourself (nurturing them, being responsible for them, etc.). Desire, however, is what keeps a couple romantically interested in each other. It comes from the unknown and the anticipation of what will come. For some couples, this thesis may not be correct. Knowing each other more may create more desire, which is great. Yet there are many who find themselves frustrated because the "flame" has died. For these couples, Perel does not offer a single solution for reconciling desire and intimacy, because there isn't one. However, they can be managed according to each unique relationship, and it comes down to negotiating distance (physical, emotional, and verbal).

In discussing the negotiation between intimacy and desire, Perel brings up numerous points regarding sex and sexuality within society and within oneself. I decided to talk about just a few that impacted the way I thought about relationships and myself.


1) A Person for a Village

In cultures where three generations live under one roof and/or communities are close-knit (everyone knows everyone's business), achieving intimacy isn't an issue. Everyone is probably close enough. However, in our modern American culture, we have an ability to communicate without actually seeing each other. As beneficial as this is, the lack of physical presence may leave us longing for intimacy more than any other generation. Then, when we find a partner, we are at risk for putting too many expectations on that person: to provide stability, excitement, sexual fulfillment, counsel, and friendship...essentially take on multiple and contradictory roles. It is possible for someone to do this in bits and pieces, but one cannot expect a person to fulfill his/her partner completely. When trying to fill the intimacy void goes too far, it could make people needy and/or controlling and also lead to much disappointment.

This point struck me because it shows how some problems in relationships extend beyond the couple...they are results of the culture, not simply the individuals involved. Perel doesn't offer an answer for working around this specifically, but in my life, I'm trying to open my network more to fill the lack of intimacy. Instead of turning only to my significant other, I try to spend more time with friends and talk to my family. When I need to process things and no one is available to talk, I go for a long bike ride. I search for small ways to meet my needs that aren't dependent on my partner. It isn't easy, and sometimes I have to let a need go unmet. However, I try to be conscious of the fact that there are two people in my relationship and that we can't do and be everything for each other.


2) Eroticism as a Map

I used to view eroticism as a repulsive concept - it was vulgar and indecent. Disgusting. While reading this book, I learned I was not alone in my belief...and that I was also incredibly misinformed.

Eroticism is sexual desire, but it's layered and complicated. When you investigate another person's desire (or maybe your own) you find a map of the psyche. Erotic fantasies - no matter how simple or complex - can reveal the way a person perceives himself, how she balances power between her and society, and how he was loved and/or hurt in the past (by individuals or society at large). Erotic fantasies are attached to some of our deepest vulnerabilities, and being able to express them is a way to experience freedom. In fantasies, we are able to go against what is expected of us and be in control of our environment. Demonstrating them to another puts the person in a vulnerable situation. However, if welcomed, it can correct a personal imbalance and satisfy a mental need. Why sex is the vehicle for experiencing this kind of freedom, I'm not sure. Maybe because it's the one thing about our human nature that is most stifled in public. I no longer see eroticism as something that should be suppressed, but rather as a means to better understand one's history and needs, as well as a way to escape cultural pressures and expectations. One could even say it has a healing quality...maybe Marvin Gaye was onto something...


3) Sexual Make Up

In order to understand where a couple's issues take root, Esther Perel has to unfold her clients' histories. She explores the family, religious, and cultural dynamics in their childhoods. Reading these accounts, of course, made me reflect on the role sex has played in the course of my life. For most of it - I'm sad to say - I've held negative and restrictive views of intercourse and eroticism, and only over the past two years have I been unpacking them and their origins. I never realized how much they affected me...the way I interacted with and viewed other people and, more importantly, the way I felt about myself...as a growing, maturing person. There has been a lot of internal pain by trying to keep myself "safe" and within the lines. I've probably perpetuated that pain in others, as well. I tried to pinpoint where my views came from and how they developed, but the truth is they are built into the system in which I live - government, education, religion, and the influence of family and friends. I understand that institutions are in place to keep sex from being misused, but I wish I had been taught differently. I was directly told that "yes, yes, sex is a beautiful and good thing if kept within ____ boundaries and under ____ conditions." However, indirectly, the more powerful message that stayed with me was that it caused problems, it was sinful, and it needed to be contained. I've felt the consequences of this message, and yet I can't blame anyone for it. Tradition is a powerful force and many people pass things along in the best interests of others, especially their children.

Many of us think of sexuality and sex as adult concepts, but it is with us from birth. We are sexual beings even as children, and how people teach us about sex affects our self-esteem, the way we perceive, and how we perform everyday functions. Between two people, sex creates life, but within an individual, sex (hormones, organs, fantasy) lets a person live. Even if a person never sleeps with someone else, sex is still a building block of his/her life. I am just sad that so much shame and stigma is attached to it.



While the primary purpose of Mating in Captivity is to help couples balance intimacy and excitement, it goes beyond offering suggestions for issues on the surface. Esther Perel helps her readers understand that managing the balance means knowing yourself, your personal history, and your culture. The unspoken rules our society maintains, the ideals we come to believe, and our childhood experiences play as much of a role in our relationships as do complimentary values, habits, and attractive features. Beyond self exploration, she invites you to experiment with your relationship...communicate in different ways or change the direction of your daily energy. Mating in Captivity won't gain favor with everyone, because some of the ideas Perel brings up are against the grain (even I didn't agree with all of them). However, the multicultural perspectives she brings to the table are worth reading. I hope they catch on in the United States...for the sake of the mental and physical health of our people.

Mating in Captivity

It's unfortunate, but I hear a fair amount of reservation - and sometimes straight-up negativity -surrounding marriage: at work, among people I hang around with, and even in public places. I was sitting at a pool at someone's apartment complex and the people swimming were going on about how bad it was. I was very uncomfortable.

Discussions like this make me question whether marriage is possible long-term...it seems like everyone has gotten divorced or is getting divorced now. However, I believe in long-term marriage and I want to do it. Therefore, I've set out on a journey to figure out what makes a marriage work and what I need to know to prepare myself. The benefit of hearing people talk, though, has given me a clue into the problem factors - people married too young or didn't think through the logistics are two common ones. But what about the others? Novelty and insecurity (not knowing how the person feels about you and if you can hang on to him/her) make a relationship exciting and passionate. Yet people crave security and knowledge and need them to build a stable relationship. So how does one reconcile this? How does one keep passion alive while maintaining trust and security? In lieu of asking people this personal question, I've turned to books, podcasts, and TED talks. The book I'm reading now is called, Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel. She's a family and marriage psychologist who has worked with many couples across different cultures. Because of this, she can see how Americans view relationships and how we set ourselves up for problems. I've been impressed with her insights so far and I'm going to recommend you read her book if you wonder the same thing as me - how can you make a long-term relationship work? She's also done TED talks and writes different articles on love, eroticism, and maintaining a relationship with children. I find it very fascinating from a psychological stand point. I will post what I think of it when I'm finished, but I wanted to introduce it in case anyone wants to discuss (you can message me or comment).

Book and Movie Count Wrap Up

It's almost the end of the year! I think now is a good time to see how I did in watching movies and reading books (in no particular order):

Movies:
1) Frozen
2) Maleficent - IMAX
3) The Incredibles
4) Her
5) Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit
6) The Equalizer (very good!)
7) Belle
8) Big Hero 6 (good kids movie)
9) Guardians of the Galaxy (excellent)
10) The Box Trolls
11) Fed Up - documentary
12) Food, Inc. - documentary
13) Black Swan
14) The Help (very good!)
15) The Fault in Our Stars
16) Dolphin Tale 2 (Horrible - bad acting and cliche. Don't be fooled by Morgan Freeman's presence.)
17) Lucy (ok...but I wouldn't recommend it)
18) Annie
19) Alexander and the Terible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day (awkward to watch - so many embarrassing moments - but cute)
20) The Grand Budapest Hotel (I enjoyed this film)
21) The 100-Foot Journey
22) Enough Said
23) Wish I Was Here (not that great...hoping for better from Zach Braff)

I've seen at least a dozen more, but I won't list them all. I've watched more movies this year than I have in the last two years combined. Maybe even the last three to four years combined.

Books:
1) Promise Land
2) Being Both - Religion
3) The Fault in Our Stars
4) Why We Get Fat and What To Do About It
5) All Your Worth
6) Freedom
7) Yes Please
8) Not That Kind of Girl
9) My Salinger Year
10) So You're Fat, Now What? (my doctor's book...I was kind of embarrassed to be reading it to be honest)

I picked up several books this year, but I didn't finish them all. They were either boring or I ran out of time. The ones listed above are those in which I made significant dents if I didn't finish them.

Conclusion: I made my goal on movies, but only got through about half the books I wanted to. Regardless, I am pleased with this. My real goal was to educated myself more and get active with cultural literature. I was surprised to learn that I can learn from movies, fiction or documentary. They give me something to talk about with other people, from superficial to deep conversations (i.e. How did you feel about the presentation? What did you think of the decision of [character]? What if something like [event in movie] were to happen, how would you deal with that?  I could relate this instance to my life, how did you feel about it?). I'm not going to set a goal like this for next year, but I will try to read more fiction (there are only two in my list above).

And I will say that it's nice to have a list - makes me feel accomplished.

Why We Get Fat and What To Do About It (Book Review)

This book discusses exactly what it says: why human beings get fat and what they can do to change it. The author, Gary Taubes, wrote a book called Good Calories, Bad Calories, in which he discusses the same topic in scientific terms. I hear it's a hefty read. His fans asked him to write something similar, but for "lay" people...something they could actually get through and understand. So along came this book. Taubes's main argument is: carbohydrates make us fat. If you want to lose weight, eat more meat...specifically with higher amounts of fat. It follows the same line of thinking as Atkins and the Paleo Diet. He argues that it's more efficient for the body to operate on fat and protein than it is on carbohydrates. He backs it up with scientific studies and historical movements that have taken place in the US. For instance, he points out that since the introduction of the low-fat, high-carbohydrate diet in the 1960s, the number of overweight individuals has actually increased. He also goes further back in history and talks about populations all over the world that became obese when they were introduced to sugar, flour, and other carbohydrate-rich food...because they were cheap and readily accessible. The most interesting point about this book is that the author challenges diet paradigms that Americans have come to believe as true. Some of these include:

1) obesity is caused by overeating; if you want to lose weight you have eat less than what you need (essentially starve yourself).

2) a healthy diet includes low-fat foods and carbohydrates

3) exercise promotes weight loss

Taubes argues that nutrition authorities keep pushing these ideas into our culture, even though evidence from numerous studies has proven them false. He offers counter-arguments to all of the above:

1) People don't get fat because they overeat - they overeat because their hormones make them put on weight and they're trying to fuel their bodies with energy to maintain that weight (in other words, they overeat because they are fat).

2) carbohydrates stimulate hormones to store fat if not immediately used for energy; high-(animal) fat diets are actually most efficient for humans. 

3) exercise is not effective for weight loss because it makes you hungrier and eat more. 

He argues against other paradigms as well, such as those dealing with the economics of carbohydrates and poverty/wealth in communities. 

The main point I want to make about this book is that it challenges ideas we (Americans) have come to believe as true, even though the roots of these beliefs may be founded on illogical and non-scientific reasoning. I'm a proponent of his book because I've found much of what he says to be true, particularly through my own trial and error experiments with diet and exercise. I remember often feeling frustrated that the typical advice (eat less, eat low-fat, exercise to lose weight) did not work for me. It left me irritable, uncomfortable, hungry, and shocked when my clothing size went up instead of down. The best thing about the book, though, is that Taubes backs up everything he says with evidence. It's cited throughout the book and there are pages of references in the back. He isn't pulling his information from nowhere.

Why We Get Fat and What To Do About It is an eye-opening read that will get you thinking about the food/diet industry and how we get the information we do. If you're interested in health and diet, I recommend it. I think Taubes offers sound advice people can actually live by.

Book Report: Being Both: Embracing Two Religions in One Interfaith Family

When I was in middle school, I wanted to marry a Jewish boy. I think it was because I had met a funny rabbi and therefore believed most Jewish men were funny. (Of course this is a stereotype, but I have met many funny Jewish men since.) Also, I was intrigued by the religion that fathered my own and wanted to learn about it and embrace it. However, in high school I discovered that interfaith marriages were discouraged by both Christians and Jews. Moreover, it was particularly frowned upon if the mother was not Jewish, because then the children "wouldn't" be Jewish. Realizing my unappealing state to this community and not wanting to ostracize my children, I let my marriage ambitions go.

Then in college I came into contact with Muslims. Again, I became intrigued by their culture and beliefs. I participated in a couple Ramadan events while I was a student, and chatted about religion with those I knew from class or the dorms. My high school experience deterred me from considering marrying anyone except a Christian, but I still wondered, "Could such a thing be possible?" To be perfectly honest, I think I often felt like I should marry a Christian, because that was easiest and probably best. But I don't think I necessarily wanted to.

Fast-forward to the present. I happened upon a book at the library, Being Both: Embracing Two Religions in One Interfaith Family. This was it! I thought. Finally a book to answer my nagging questions about interfaith marriages: were they possible, were they doomed?

According to the author, they were possible and they were not doomed. She discussed her own experience growing up in an interfaith family and talked about growth of communities for such families. She also gave examples of marriages that included a mix of Jew, Christian, Muslim, Hindu, and Buddhist people. All of these gave me hope. The common denominator that I noticed for why these marriages worked was that the people were not fundamentalists or literalists of their holy texts. It seemed to me that they believed their faiths shared core values and that their religions were different manifestations of those values. This was cool, but I saw one area of concern: none of these people seemed to believe that there was only one Way.

To me, religion is like a a multi-layered orange. When you get past the rituals, texts, and desired behaviors, you arrive at the path/deed/belief to salvation - the core. In my mind, if you deny your core - the belief that there is one Way - you are taking out the center piece that holds everything together...the rock...the foundation. What is the point of practicing if don't believe in your foundation??

Yet, many people who are in interfaith marriages are actively engaged in their religions and in multiple religious communities. They ask questions and seek answers. These people want to understand, because the cohesion of their families depends on it. They are probably more on board with their faith than many of those who are in single-religion families. They are confident in what they believe and why.

So where do I stand? At this point in my life, I believe there is one Way for me. Yet I believe we all find God through different avenues and they can all be right. We live in a world where people of different countries, cultures, races, and religions are constantly moving and connecting with each other every day. For some of us, marrying someone who has a similar background as us is difficult and - honestly - less appealing. While forming interfaith relationships and families may not be easy, it's nice to know it's possible to do and that they can succeed.

20 Books, 20 Films

This year, I'm going to read 20 books and watch 20 films. In truth, I may (I hope) I read and watch more than that, but I'm making a concentrated effort for this particular list. Here are the guidelines:

Books
2 memoirs (M)
3 religious in nature (R)
1 new release (NR)
1 Oprah's book list (O)
10 fiction (I don't read enough fiction) (F)

List
1. My Name Is Red ~ Orhan Pamuk (F)
2. Einstein's Dreams (F)
3. The Fault in Our Stars (F)
4. Being Both (M, R)
5. The Screwtape Letters (R, F)
6. Song of Ice & Fire(F) - book 1
7. book 2 (F)
8. book 3 (F)
9. book 4 (F)
10. book 5 (F)


Movies
3 documentaries (D)
2 foreign films (FF)
1 IMAX (I)

List
1. 127 Hours
2. The Secret Life of Walter Mitty
3. Food, Inc (D)


Feel free to add suggestions. I think I'll knock out a bunch of my requirements pretty quickly.