Crazy Bride

Hand to God I need a wedding therapist. I can't look at photos and videos of other people's weddings anymore without getting depressed. I look at them to get ideas for what I want and end up wanting their wedding instead. I then get depressed about the choices I'm locked into and sink into the amy-can't-go-on-with-life mode.

When I started the designing process, I had no idea what I wanted in a style. None. When vendors asked me, I gave them a blank look. I must have looked like the most "uneducated" bride. After going through tons of photos and visiting locations, I eventually decided on "elegant desert" - not golf course, not super fancy resort, not urban warehouse, not rustic barn. I liked nature. Tucson nature. However, I've discovered that I prefer either super amazing, scenic nature or fake nature, i.e. a well-groomed cactus garden...next to a beautiful patio and a green lawn, surrounded by a cream-colored stucco wall with a wooden door and mountains in the background. And little lights strung over an outdoor dance floor. However, my venue is not like that - I chose a garden area (albeit, a pretty one) with a cliche gazebo, an ugly stark-white bridge that totally looks out of place, and outdated-looking carpet in the reception area. Tacky. So even though it has some nice areas, overall I pretty much hate it. Sometimes I have 10 minutes of peace and acceptance, but then I go back to hating it. Ibrahim doesn't agree that the venue is an eye sore, so maybe I'm being overly critical. I hope I am, because I'm truly afraid of ending up with an ugly wedding. I've cried over this.

Sometimes I don't recognize myself anymore. In the early stages of being an engaged bride, I wanted something simple that didn't stress me out. I wanted a fun party with my family and friends. I didn't care about flowers, decorations, or what my dress looked like. I had some idea of other details, but I wasn't invested in them. I wanted a good photographer and I wanted to have fun. That was about it. I disliked the idea that my wedding day would be the "most important day of my life" and I did everything I could to keep that sort of thinking away. However, after venturing into the wedding culture for months, I've become one of them...one of those crazy brides. I've had fun, too. I like looking at flowers and hairstyles. I like trying on dresses and thinking about colors. I like looking at beautiful venues. But doing all those things has also been a poison. Our wedding day has taken on more value to me, almost to the point of obsession. I care about everything now. Sometimes I hate things that I've already decided on and want to redo them (I'm thinking about scheduling a third hair trial, for instance, possibly with a different stylist). I've absorbed the realization that this is the only wedding I'm going to have (I hope) and it needs to be beautiful. It's making me want to spend money on things that ultimately don't matter just so I can look like all those other beautiful weddings. I want to look at our photos and not cringe. 

I've been trying my hardest to not come off as a bridezilla, but the feelings are welling up. I want everything to go well and I'm just so afraid it won't - my hair, makeup, dress, venue, photos...everything else. It will probably rain, too, so we can't even get decent nature photos.

I've tried to talk to Ibrahim about this, but I feel like he doesn't get it. He knows I'm sad and he tries to be supportive...but it doesn't help. He thinks I'm going crazy, and I probably am. However, I just want a beautiful wedding. I know I can't compete with people whose budgets are twice the size of mine, but I really want mine to be nice. Really. And I'm afraid it's going to be god-awful. Justified or not, that's how I feel.

Our engagement photo adventure

Originally, I thought Ibrahim and I would have dance engagement photos, because it best represents who we are as a couple. However, as I looked for wedding photographers, I found work done in Sedona and at the Grand Canyon. The images were dramatic and I fell in love with many of them. Since our wedding would be local (and part of me longed for a destination wedding), I decided to do some destination engagement photos and chose Horseshoe Bend (part of the Grand Canyon) as the location. I also wanted to use the opportunity to see northern Arizona and cross Sedona and Antelope Canyon off my bucket list.

In terms of my image for the photos, I already knew what I wanted. It took me weeks to find the dress I envisioned, and then several more weeks to find shoes, jewelry, and to help Ibrahim find a complimentary outfit. I arranged for my hair and makeup to be done professionally so that I wouldn't have to worry about it. At the last minute, I bought a second dress because Ibrahim wanted two outfits and thought a change in color would give a nice variety. It turned out to be a good idea.  

After weeks of planning and probably too much spending on my part, we drove north last weekend. Honestly, I didn't know if things would come together. I put a lot of time, money, and energy into this experience (because "awesome" doesn't just happen) and I wanted our photos to be really good. I feared they would turn out mediocre and that the trip in general would be a disappointment. I was worried that I went too far, and that I was chasing images of magazine quality that just weren't going to happen with our resources. I also felt guilty...like I was dragging Ibrahim through some kind of circus for my own selfish desires. But we were on our way and there was nothing else we could do now.

The morning of the shoot was calm and the afternoon was hectic (for me). Our schedule was as follows:

8:00 am Antelope Canyon tour

10:00 Amy starts getting ready/Ibrahim gets breakfast

12:00 Amy goes to hair appointment

1:00 Amy and Ibrahim look for flowers, don't find any, and drive back to the house so Amy can continue getting ready

2:00 Amy has makeup appointment at the house/Ibrahim gets ready

4:30 Amy and Ibrahim meet photographers

The only thing that didn't go well was my right eye, which watered the entire time the makeup artist worked on my face and throughout the photo shoot. So for four hours. I was worried my foundation would be blotchy and black mascara streaks would be  running down my face. Our photographers reassured me that the issue didn't show up on camera, and if it did, they would edit it.

The photo shoot itself was a lot of fun. I wish I could have my picture taken all the time! The sunset at Horseshoe Bend was beautiful; the colors of the canyon changed from orange to red to purple and blue. It's really no surprise that there are so many photos taken there. Our photographers were great, fun people as well. We all laughed a lot. They told us we did an awesome job and some of the shots they got were "really good." I wanted to believe them, but I was (and am) still a little skeptical. Ibrahim and I also did our clothing change right there at the canyon, out in the open in front of the tourists. But I later realized that most of the tourists were Asian or European, and they didn't care about people changing. The whole thing felt like an adventure, and I walked away feeling really glad we did it. Also, after seeing Sedona and Page, I was glad we chose Tucson as our wedding location. Sedona was beautiful, but it wasn't home. 

Now, I'm excitedly and nervously waiting for the email that our "sneak peak" is available. They choose about 7-8 photos to show you and then the rest come later. I'm hoping my face, hair, dress, our postures, and everything look ok. I'm really nervous, but also dying from suspense.

Wedding Paralyzation

I've been engaged for almost a year now. The first few months were about me getting used to the idea that I was in fact getting married. I was so overwhelmed I didn't know what to do. That wore off around the fall and Ibrahim and I decided we should start moving. From October to January we checked off some major pieces: date, venue (which included caterer, decorations, and DJ), and photographer. Then I spent the next several months preparing for competitions and performances, so I didn't think about it much. My goal for the wedding was to pull off something relatively nice-looking that was fun with a low level of stress. My wedding was not going to be the defining moment of my life, so I wasn't putting pressure on myself to make it that. For this reason, I didn't have any kind of wedding obsession or "bride mind."

Once we entered June, though, I decided I should get going on other things - choosing colors, picking a theme of some kind, finding a dress, deciding on flowers, and looking into cakes. As soon as I started, I realized the benefit of planners. The thing that is really throwing me, though, is the wedding dress.

I was relatively normal until I started looking for a dress. First I started online and found cheap items. Then - after some research - I realized most of them came from China, the images were stolen, and you never knew what you would get. I don't really care about the dress coming from China, but I don't want to look cheap in my photos. So I started looking at stores. I made a trip to David's Bridal last weekend on a whim and was pleasantly surprised. Their dresses were nice and I really liked my attendant. I was also surprised to find that I really liked the ivory satin ball gown I tried on. I thought for sure I would wear a lacy sheath dress. The top on the satin ball gown, however, wasn't quite right, so I decided I would keep looking. This is when things became crazy.

While I looked at more stores, I realized that boutique wedding gowns were typically $1000 or more, before alterations. Also, you need alterations because wedding gowns aren't going to fit right away. So I had to find someone for that and I had to do it fast...seamstresses apparently book up six months in advance. My wedding is in six months. This is ok...I have a style in mind that I like...I should be able to choose something quickly. But then - gasp - I realized that I looked good in ivory. The decor at my wedding - the permanent gazebo and little bridge and chairs - were all white. My dress was going to clash with my venue! I started looking at photos of other weddings at my location to see if all the women wore white dresses and what ivory would look like. Then I looked at my photographer's images, comparing them to others. I started wondering if I picked the wrong photographer...if I should have chosen someone else...if I should have chosen a different venue...if my entire wedding was going to be ruined and ugly and I would have terrible photos and memories for the rest of my life.

These emotions will paralyze me sometimes. I can't think and want to just curl up on the floor and not move. I started off wanting something fun and relatively low-key, but now my doubts about everything and my desire for something beautiful and perfect have crept in and created havoc.

Before now, I never understood why a wedding dress was a big deal: they were white gowns that made every bride look the same. You couldn't move in them because they were too big or slim or didn't have enough fabric. So they were expensive, not fun dresses that women obsessed over. But when I tried them on, I suddenly realized how different they fit on you and how they made you look and feel. I felt so elegant and classic in satin. It struck an emotional chord. I became a sucker to the industry. That first fitting suddenly made this *thing* important in my eyes...and it's affecting everything else.

I have another couple rounds of wedding dress appointments scheduled: one today, three tomorrow in Phoenix, and one next weekend in Phoenix. I'm not afraid I won't find something. I'm sure everything will look great once it's over $2000. I just want to find something that works and stop worrying.

Yearly Review: 2017 to 2018

Wow! What a year! As usual, let's look at my goals from last year and compare to what actually happened:

Goals for 2017

1) Front splits and side splits. (Stretch goal) - Nope. This did not happen.
2) Make rondes (RON-days) that are level with my head when I kick them in my routines. Neither did this, but I need to work on it.
3) Semi-final in SOMETHING at NDCA nationals this year. (Stretch goal). We only made it as far as quarter final in novice standard; round three for pre-champ standard and novice latin, and round one for pre-champ latin.
4) Do four dance competitions (big, small, medium, whatever). Yes: People's Choice, Galaxy, Chicago Dancesport Challenge, and Devil Dancesport Invitational.
5) Dance a latin and standard routine that I'm not ashamed to post on facebook/youtube. I think I posted a latin routine from a showcase, but unfortunately, that's the only one I liked. Everything else I've danced has been painful to watch. For standard, I'm more willing to post those videos. I'm also looking forward to more videos, because I think my posture has improved by a few miles since my last competition.
6) Successfully rhinestone a standard and latin dress. Meaning, they don't look bad. Yeah, I think this one was accomplished :).
7) Design a practice dress and sew it. (Stretch goal) Ha. No way. The sewing dream has been left behind. I still have my singer (and I still love it), but I just don't have time to learn to sew. I can give it maybe a few hours on the weekend.
8) Make friends at dance competitions. Yes!!! I've made lots of new friends and it's been SO fun!!

Additional thoughts: I think this is the first year I've had solid goals that I believe are attainable. A few of them are "stretch goals" that may be a little ambitious, but they aren't impossible. My only professional goal this year is to not get fired. I need my job to support my dancing habit. I'm pretty excited about 2017. I'm hoping to be in a place I don't expect (in a good way) by this time next year.

I definitely ended up in a place I didn't expect: engaged!
My professional goal at the UA for this year is to, again, not get fired.

Plans and goals for 2018 and 2019

Ibrahim and I have already been looking ahead. He will be teaching three courses in the fall (max load), so that he can take off for the spring of 2019. A friend/colleague of his in England is organizing some kind of semester-long project. If Ibrahim can get funding, he'll make a few trips over there. If he can't, he'll work from home. He's also hoping to get some of his own research done during that time and publish some papers. So fall 2018 is going to be extremely busy for him and we probably won't be competing much. We'll already have two weddings to attend - one being our own. Also, since he has something going on in England in 2019 anyway, we're planning to compete at Blackpool that year. I am not anticipating anything miraculous, but we want to make our first attempt then. Our goal is to go twice before we're designated to senior division.

2018 Goals

1) Final at Nationals in novice standard, both NDCA and USA Dance. We've already pointed out of novice standard in USA Dance, so we're hoping to final. Either way, we have to move up.

2) Achieve more muscular definition. I've been working out at home and slowly building my home gym (which I love!) I really like all the workout "toys": dumbbells, kettlebells, resistance bands, balls, plyo boxes, etc. I enjoy strength training, especially the kind that involves more intricate coordination (combination moves). However, I feel like I've been working out and I still look like a marshmallow. I'm hoping to change that this year.

3) Perform at a charity/fundraising event. We have various charity events in Tucson and I would like to perform at one of them. A lot of professionals will do performances to get students, but I just want to put on a show! Ibrahim and I are at a level where we look like professionals to the laypeople, so I think we could pull off an entertaining performance :).

4) Get married. This seems like a non-fail goal, but I swear...the planning is so hard for me. Every time I think I have a plan, guest list, venue, date, or schedule, things change. I'm hoping things will come together.

5) Get a professional portrait taken. I would just really like one of these. I've been looking for a photographer who I think would capture the mood/image I want.

6) Make more dance friends. I feel like I can't have enough of these.

Main take-away from 2017 and hope for 2018

The message that stayed with me for half of 2017 was to really appreciate life and put myself out there to meet people. This year - as you know - I knew a young man, Nic, who died two months after we met. I knew him for such a short time and yet he left an unforgettable impression on me. He was so open and friendly; just knowing him made me feel good. After he died, I learned that he was like this with everyone and he shared his love of dance with everyone in his community. He was one of the top amateur dancers in the country and there wasn't a haughty bone in his body. I only met Nic because Ibrahim suggested going out with him and his partner; I was too shy otherwise. I nearly missed an opportunity to be graced by his life. Anyway, since his death, I decided I wanted to be like Nic. I wanted to be as open and friendly. I wanted to express love and happiness more and connect with people. Being isolated makes me unhappy, but I'm not always brave enough to step outside my box - what if people think I'm weird or don't like me? Now, I care less. When I think that my life could be taken from me at any day, I want to take advantage and spread light.

My hope for 2018 is to continue the openness and positivity. Of course, I also hope that everyone in my life stays healthy and no tragedy comes upon us.  I want to continue the adventures and I'm loving the unexpected, happy surprises that come up - I hope there are more! :)

Happy New Year, everyone!

P.S. For a photo review of 2017, check out my #BestNine2017 on instagram: https://www.instagram.com/p/BdWRS1VgDSy/