Enneagram 4

Personality tests - what do you think of them? Do you love them and feel like you fit perfectly into definitions or do you think they don't tell you anything because personalities are fluid?

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My wedding has shaken me up (in a good way) and I am once again at an internal crossroads in my life. I decided to take a personality test to see if any light could be shed on how I operate and which direction I should take. I discovered that I am mostly enneagram 4: "The Individualist - The Sensitive, Withdrawn Type: Expressive, Dramatic, Self-Absorbed, and Temperamental". (Bless Ibrahim for wanting to marry me.) Fours are creative, emotional, and expressive people. They feel like they are fundamentally different from everyone else, both especially talented and especially messed up. They go through life striving to be original and separating themselves from the pack, but yet feel like something is constantly missing. This is because they do not have a stable sense of identity. While trying to be original, they are also lack a a strong self-image foundation. To varying degrees, this is all true for me. However, the question is still, where do I go? What do I do?

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I've been feeling like my ability to create has been stifled a bit. Ballroom dancing is creative yes, but when you compete, it's almost the same as running a race: you have a routine and you're trying to complete the same basic functions in a more efficient manner. Creativity (for me) comes in during makeup and designing a dress.

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Our wedding has forced the creative side of me to come out full on. I didn't hire a wedding planner (aside from some help from our venue) and decided to make lots of decisions myself. Frankly, even though I had some dramatic moments, I've enjoyed the process. I've come to be proud of the fact that "Amy" is printed all over this wedding. Even if some of my choices turn out to be mismatched or tacky, they are mine. That originality box has been checked...and I want to do it again. An entire wedding? No. Styling, design, and production? Yes.

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I've checked out a bunch of self-help resources. I'm honestly terrified of what I'm getting myself into, but I feel like it's a tv show I'm involved in and can't stop watching...I want to learn more and see what happens next. I have lots of ideas and I don't want them to die. Becoming an "artist" might be another tried and failed identity I'm attempting to wear, but I want to try it anyway. I want my own "brand", so to speak, so that when someone looks at it, they see me. An original "Amy".

Crazy Bride

Hand to God I need a wedding therapist. I can't look at photos and videos of other people's weddings anymore without getting depressed. I look at them to get ideas for what I want and end up wanting their wedding instead. I then get depressed about the choices I'm locked into and sink into the amy-can't-go-on-with-life mode.

When I started the designing process, I had no idea what I wanted in a style. None. When vendors asked me, I gave them a blank look. I must have looked like the most "uneducated" bride. After going through tons of photos and visiting locations, I eventually decided on "elegant desert" - not golf course, not super fancy resort, not urban warehouse, not rustic barn. I liked nature. Tucson nature. However, I've discovered that I prefer either super amazing, scenic nature or fake nature, i.e. a well-groomed cactus garden...next to a beautiful patio and a green lawn, surrounded by a cream-colored stucco wall with a wooden door and mountains in the background. And little lights strung over an outdoor dance floor. However, my venue is not like that - I chose a garden area (albeit, a pretty one) with a cliche gazebo, an ugly stark-white bridge that totally looks out of place, and outdated-looking carpet in the reception area. Tacky. So even though it has some nice areas, overall I pretty much hate it. Sometimes I have 10 minutes of peace and acceptance, but then I go back to hating it. Ibrahim doesn't agree that the venue is an eye sore, so maybe I'm being overly critical. I hope I am, because I'm truly afraid of ending up with an ugly wedding. I've cried over this.

Sometimes I don't recognize myself anymore. In the early stages of being an engaged bride, I wanted something simple that didn't stress me out. I wanted a fun party with my family and friends. I didn't care about flowers, decorations, or what my dress looked like. I had some idea of other details, but I wasn't invested in them. I wanted a good photographer and I wanted to have fun. That was about it. I disliked the idea that my wedding day would be the "most important day of my life" and I did everything I could to keep that sort of thinking away. However, after venturing into the wedding culture for months, I've become one of them...one of those crazy brides. I've had fun, too. I like looking at flowers and hairstyles. I like trying on dresses and thinking about colors. I like looking at beautiful venues. But doing all those things has also been a poison. Our wedding day has taken on more value to me, almost to the point of obsession. I care about everything now. Sometimes I hate things that I've already decided on and want to redo them (I'm thinking about scheduling a third hair trial, for instance, possibly with a different stylist). I've absorbed the realization that this is the only wedding I'm going to have (I hope) and it needs to be beautiful. It's making me want to spend money on things that ultimately don't matter just so I can look like all those other beautiful weddings. I want to look at our photos and not cringe. 

I've been trying my hardest to not come off as a bridezilla, but the feelings are welling up. I want everything to go well and I'm just so afraid it won't - my hair, makeup, dress, venue, photos...everything else. It will probably rain, too, so we can't even get decent nature photos.

I've tried to talk to Ibrahim about this, but I feel like he doesn't get it. He knows I'm sad and he tries to be supportive...but it doesn't help. He thinks I'm going crazy, and I probably am. However, I just want a beautiful wedding. I know I can't compete with people whose budgets are twice the size of mine, but I really want mine to be nice. Really. And I'm afraid it's going to be god-awful. Justified or not, that's how I feel.

Our engagement photo adventure

Originally, I thought Ibrahim and I would have dance engagement photos, because it best represents who we are as a couple. However, as I looked for wedding photographers, I found work done in Sedona and at the Grand Canyon. The images were dramatic and I fell in love with many of them. Since our wedding would be local (and part of me longed for a destination wedding), I decided to do some destination engagement photos and chose Horseshoe Bend (part of the Grand Canyon) as the location. I also wanted to use the opportunity to see northern Arizona and cross Sedona and Antelope Canyon off my bucket list.

In terms of my image for the photos, I already knew what I wanted. It took me weeks to find the dress I envisioned, and then several more weeks to find shoes, jewelry, and to help Ibrahim find a complimentary outfit. I arranged for my hair and makeup to be done professionally so that I wouldn't have to worry about it. At the last minute, I bought a second dress because Ibrahim wanted two outfits and thought a change in color would give a nice variety. It turned out to be a good idea.  

After weeks of planning and probably too much spending on my part, we drove north last weekend. Honestly, I didn't know if things would come together. I put a lot of time, money, and energy into this experience (because "awesome" doesn't just happen) and I wanted our photos to be really good. I feared they would turn out mediocre and that the trip in general would be a disappointment. I was worried that I went too far, and that I was chasing images of magazine quality that just weren't going to happen with our resources. I also felt guilty...like I was dragging Ibrahim through some kind of circus for my own selfish desires. But we were on our way and there was nothing else we could do now.

The morning of the shoot was calm and the afternoon was hectic (for me). Our schedule was as follows:

8:00 am Antelope Canyon tour

10:00 Amy starts getting ready/Ibrahim gets breakfast

12:00 Amy goes to hair appointment

1:00 Amy and Ibrahim look for flowers, don't find any, and drive back to the house so Amy can continue getting ready

2:00 Amy has makeup appointment at the house/Ibrahim gets ready

4:30 Amy and Ibrahim meet photographers

The only thing that didn't go well was my right eye, which watered the entire time the makeup artist worked on my face and throughout the photo shoot. So for four hours. I was worried my foundation would be blotchy and black mascara streaks would be  running down my face. Our photographers reassured me that the issue didn't show up on camera, and if it did, they would edit it.

The photo shoot itself was a lot of fun. I wish I could have my picture taken all the time! The sunset at Horseshoe Bend was beautiful; the colors of the canyon changed from orange to red to purple and blue. It's really no surprise that there are so many photos taken there. Our photographers were great, fun people as well. We all laughed a lot. They told us we did an awesome job and some of the shots they got were "really good." I wanted to believe them, but I was (and am) still a little skeptical. Ibrahim and I also did our clothing change right there at the canyon, out in the open in front of the tourists. But I later realized that most of the tourists were Asian or European, and they didn't care about people changing. The whole thing felt like an adventure, and I walked away feeling really glad we did it. Also, after seeing Sedona and Page, I was glad we chose Tucson as our wedding location. Sedona was beautiful, but it wasn't home. 

Now, I'm excitedly and nervously waiting for the email that our "sneak peak" is available. They choose about 7-8 photos to show you and then the rest come later. I'm hoping my face, hair, dress, our postures, and everything look ok. I'm really nervous, but also dying from suspense.

Bathroom Dreams

I'm not sure when they started - several months ago maybe - but I've been having recurring, stressful dreams about going to the bathroom. If you think this will be too much information, you should close the window now. Usually I'm in a public restroom, like in a locker room or a train station, and they are old, untidy, and dirty. Sometimes there are long lines to use a restroom. When I get to a toilet, it will be clogged or there will be a mess everywhere, so I have to contort myself in order to avoid the muck. The worst part, though, is that the toilet is always out in the open and people are watching me. I always get the toilet missing one or more walls or the door doesn't close and people keep walking in. I become stressed out and want to scream, "Can't I get some privacy??" Last night there was twist where I was - again - in an open room, but no one was around so I did have privacy. However, I couldn't control where my "business" went. When I tried, the situation just worsened. I wanted to cry.

I have these dreams 2-3 times month at least. When I noticed they were becoming more frequent, I started researching bathroom dreams. Here is some info I found: 

"Basically, bathroom dreams may be addressing your need to relieve yourself emotionally and/or psychologically. You may be dealing with a dirty, messy, toxic or crappy situation in waking life or are under a lot of stress. A public bathroom or restroom may suggest the dream is dealing with your social or professional life or relationships while the bathroom in a home suggests the issue may be internal or related to your home life or relationships...If you find the restroom, you may discover there are others waiting and there no doors on the stalls or no stalls at all. Having no privacy, you are forced to do your business in font of others. In this case you may be feeling you don't have enough time to yourself or you have no personal space in waking life. If you are reluctant to take care of business in front of others you may be afraid to tell others how you really feel or to let others see you as you really are. If you can relieve yourself in front of others, you are unconcerned about what others may think of you. A dirty bathroom may be sign you are repressing a lot of negative emotions or you may be dealing with a lot of negative energy or negative, toxic people in waking life."

It makes sense, but I don't have a serious need to "relieve" myself psychologically. I don't feel repressed. I don't have as much privacy as I used to, but I also don't feel suffocated.

It's weird that these dreams keep happening. Maybe it's something I'm eating.

Wedding Paralyzation

I've been engaged for almost a year now. The first few months were about me getting used to the idea that I was in fact getting married. I was so overwhelmed I didn't know what to do. That wore off around the fall and Ibrahim and I decided we should start moving. From October to January we checked off some major pieces: date, venue (which included caterer, decorations, and DJ), and photographer. Then I spent the next several months preparing for competitions and performances, so I didn't think about it much. My goal for the wedding was to pull off something relatively nice-looking that was fun with a low level of stress. My wedding was not going to be the defining moment of my life, so I wasn't putting pressure on myself to make it that. For this reason, I didn't have any kind of wedding obsession or "bride mind."

Once we entered June, though, I decided I should get going on other things - choosing colors, picking a theme of some kind, finding a dress, deciding on flowers, and looking into cakes. As soon as I started, I realized the benefit of planners. The thing that is really throwing me, though, is the wedding dress.

I was relatively normal until I started looking for a dress. First I started online and found cheap items. Then - after some research - I realized most of them came from China, the images were stolen, and you never knew what you would get. I don't really care about the dress coming from China, but I don't want to look cheap in my photos. So I started looking at stores. I made a trip to David's Bridal last weekend on a whim and was pleasantly surprised. Their dresses were nice and I really liked my attendant. I was also surprised to find that I really liked the ivory satin ball gown I tried on. I thought for sure I would wear a lacy sheath dress. The top on the satin ball gown, however, wasn't quite right, so I decided I would keep looking. This is when things became crazy.

While I looked at more stores, I realized that boutique wedding gowns were typically $1000 or more, before alterations. Also, you need alterations because wedding gowns aren't going to fit right away. So I had to find someone for that and I had to do it fast...seamstresses apparently book up six months in advance. My wedding is in six months. This is ok...I have a style in mind that I like...I should be able to choose something quickly. But then - gasp - I realized that I looked good in ivory. The decor at my wedding - the permanent gazebo and little bridge and chairs - were all white. My dress was going to clash with my venue! I started looking at photos of other weddings at my location to see if all the women wore white dresses and what ivory would look like. Then I looked at my photographer's images, comparing them to others. I started wondering if I picked the wrong photographer...if I should have chosen someone else...if I should have chosen a different venue...if my entire wedding was going to be ruined and ugly and I would have terrible photos and memories for the rest of my life.

These emotions will paralyze me sometimes. I can't think and want to just curl up on the floor and not move. I started off wanting something fun and relatively low-key, but now my doubts about everything and my desire for something beautiful and perfect have crept in and created havoc.

Before now, I never understood why a wedding dress was a big deal: they were white gowns that made every bride look the same. You couldn't move in them because they were too big or slim or didn't have enough fabric. So they were expensive, not fun dresses that women obsessed over. But when I tried them on, I suddenly realized how different they fit on you and how they made you look and feel. I felt so elegant and classic in satin. It struck an emotional chord. I became a sucker to the industry. That first fitting suddenly made this *thing* important in my eyes...and it's affecting everything else.

I have another couple rounds of wedding dress appointments scheduled: one today, three tomorrow in Phoenix, and one next weekend in Phoenix. I'm not afraid I won't find something. I'm sure everything will look great once it's over $2000. I just want to find something that works and stop worrying.

Dancing with Our Stars performance

My long overdue post is finally here. I had three performances and a competition in May and it was a whirlwind of dancing. But it was a lot of fun, too. I felt like I crossed off some big personal goals of mine. Ibrahim and I performed our Iko Iko samba-quickstep routine for two Dancing with the Stars charity events and our studio's showcase. I really enjoy samba, so I was glad to do it.

My favorite performance by far was the Dancing with Our Stars event put on by the Diaper Bank of Southern Arizona. That was the one where we had to raise $2000 to perform. It all came together in a crazy, hectic way, but it did come together and it was awesome. I felt incredibly fulfilled performing in front of a few hundred people, and the physicians with whom I work were among them. Our performance was our best of that dance - technique maybe wasn't top notch, but we didn't mess up choreography or trip. People came up to us afterward (some we knew and some we didn't) and said we did a great job. I felt like my doctors looked at me in a different light and saw the Amy I wanted them to see - the real version of myself. It was a dream.

Here is the link to the show:  https://youtu.be/sEx2Rj1UFxc

Sandbagging

You can learn a lot from your competitors and the competitor of choice for Ibrahim seems to be Chris Henzie. Last year, we watched him win novice ballroom at nationals by doing basic syllabus figures. We were shocked and started dramatically simplifying our routines.

This year - a few days ago - Ibrahim looked up Chris's competitive history. It turns out he was a collegiate dancer who started around the same time as I did - 9 years ago. He moved his way up through syllabus and then into open ballroom and latin. However, in 2014, it was like someone hit him on the head and he changed courses abruptly. He started over and went right back to bronze ballroom in amateur (he dropped latin). Since then, he has steadily achieved top places in every category every year at nationals - first bronze, then silver, then gold, then novice. This year he finaled in pre-champ.

In my opinion, it takes a certain amount of humility to completely start over. Most collegiate dancers jump ahead categories before they are ready. Then they get stuck in them forever, repeating mistakes in basic figures and movement principles. However, Chris's strategy could also be what dance federations are trying to eliminate: people competing below their level and then winning at national competitions (i.e. sandbagging). Yet Chris is consistently climbing, so I wouldn't call what he did unethical. I would actually call it smart. Ibrahim and I can't go back to bronze ballroom, because he's already pointed out of syllabus. (I never competed syllabus in amateur, so I could probably do it still.) However, it's an interesting idea, especially if your goal is long-term and you want to improve fundamental technique. If we keep Latin, we might consider doing just that.

Dancing with Our Stars

At the beginning of the year, I've been in a "let's make things happen" mode. I see my friends and others on social media going out and accomplishing things they want to do. The energy inside of me to do the same has been building. Instead of thinking and wondering, I ask, "how do I make this happen?" Then I reach out to people. One of my goals is already underway to being checked off: dancing at a charity event.

While I had a couple charity events in mind, there was one where I really wanted to do this: Dancing with Our Stars. It's an event for the Diaper Bank of Southern Arizona. Tucson community members ("Stars") are paired with professional instructors and compete for the mirror ball at a gala event (like the tv show). There's a lot of publicity around it (tv, radio, magazine articles) and the event itself is pretty large. They expect over 400 people to attend every year. Last year, I saw professionals at my studio participating and wanted to attend. But then I was hit with the price: $175 per ticket. No way could I afford that.

This year, I decided to put myself out there and ask the Diaper Bank if I could participate as an exhibition dancer. I thought maybe I could get in for free as a dancer "donating" my time as entertainment. Nope. I discovered that Stars who participate in the competition have to sponsor a table for $1750. Many people buy a table or have their companies sponsor it and then sell the tickets. If you want to do a performance-only piece and not compete, you have to pay $2000. If I thought $175 was out of my budget, this was out of my league entirely.

In telling me all this, the event coordinator said she was looking for more "Stars" to perform. I told her I wasn't interested, but I did nominate one of the doctors I work for, Dr. Gilbertson. She went to the event last year and expressed that she wanted to participate. In the meantime, the organizer asked if I could help with the event night itself. That way I could be there at least and see the show. I agreed.

Dr. Gilbertson hesitated for a few days, but eventually agreed to be a Star. She managed to find sponsors both in our department and at her husband's practice. She was very excited about it. I was excited for her, too. I knew she would have a good time performing. The week this was all happening, Dr. Gilbertson had a birthday party. Other doctors were chatting about it and one of them - Dr. Becker - asked me if I was participating. "Oh no," I said. "You have to sponsor a table in order to participate." "Oh we can do that for you," she responded immediately. I was caught off guard. We talked about it a bit more and she said she could find people interested in going. Ibrahim was skeptical about this. "Make sure this isn't drunk party talk," he joked. I sent her an email with the details and the next week confirmed she was still willing to help with this. And so I was in.

I'm still in disbelief somewhat. I had this huge obstacle in front of me ($2000 to pay for a 2 minute dance performance) and now it is gone. We're performing! In front of 400 people!