Sewing and Self-Image

I'd been experimenting with dress designs over the last several weeks, trying to find something I liked and could communicate to a dressmaker. I researched and read forums about fabrics and cuts so that I would know what to ask for. In the process, I developed an interest in sewing a dress myself. Previously, I always thought homemade dresses looked untidy and at best, basic. Therefore, I preferred to purchase my dresses, because even if they were done by a "cheap" professional, they looked like they had, in fact, been done professionally: the edges were clean, the dress shapes were uniform, and the details were complex enough to convince anyone it hadn't been done by first-time sewist. However, my preferences began to change out of curiosity. As I drew dresses, I wondered if I could sew my own.

Two weeks ago, Ibrahim and his former dance partner Megan had gotten together for a drink and pizza. I declined to join them because it was a weeknight. Looking for another opportunity to have us meet, Ibrahim invited her and her husband, Matt, over for his weekly Sunday grilling party. They were nice people and I enjoyed talking to them. When Ibrahim shifted the conversation to dance costumes, Megan mentioned that Matt sewed and also repaired old sewing machines.

"Really?" I prompted.

"Yeah!" Matt replied. He explained how he went around to goodwill, garage sales, and searched craigslist for old Singer sewing machines, pre-1960s. He enjoyed fixing them as a hobby, just for the sake of fixing them and figuring out how they worked.

"So do you have a bunch of machines sitting around your house?" someone asked.

"Well, I do have a few, but I try to find a good home for them."

"Do you sell them?"

"No, I give them away."

He continued, talking about how these machines last a long time because their parts are made of cast iron and metal, as opposed to the plastic of many modern machines. He discussed the different parts of the Singer machine and the quality of stitching they performed. Matt also described modern machines and how they did have useful/efficient functions that the old ones do not. Sergers, for instance, cut fabric and stitch at the same time, which is incredibly efficient for making clothes. I was fascinated.

That night, I went to bed envisioning sewing machines and fabrics. The next day, Ibrahim gave me Matt's number and I texted him saying I wanted to give one of the sewing machines a new home. 

Now I have a new machine and I'm excited about sewing. However, at the same time, I'm not exactly sure where to start. This might sound strange, but I'm also having a bit of identity confusion. I have a limited background in craft projects, and I've never considered it my forte. Now I have a sewing machine and there's so much potential...yet I wonder if my time would be better spent doing something else. People tell me, "You're smart...what do you want to do (with that intelligence)?" ...Dance...sew dresses...Not that those occupations are for unintelligent people, but I feel more like I have a capacity that I'm not utilizing. As it is, I'm going to give sewing a try. See what happens. If I really do like it, I'll continue. I admit that the idea of making my own pants and dress clothes someday (clothes that are my style and fit me well) is very, very appealing. 

Saturn Return

In astrology, a Saturn Return occurs every 28.5 to 30 years in a person's life. This is the point when Saturn comes back to the exact place in the sky where it was when you were born. It marks a period of major life change. The first Saturn Return at 28.5-30 years old signifies the beginning of adulthood. As it was explained to me, the first 28 years or so of a person's life is spent learning to survive, and the next 28-30 years are spent truly living and bringing aspirations to fruition. These are times when people completely change course: they switch careers, move somewhere else, get married, have a child, go back to school, get divorced, a family member or a close friend dies...or sometimes a combination of these things happens. Major life events happen before and after a Saturn Return, but my understanding is that whatever happens during this time period is a significant directional shift. It's a life awakening, a rebirth. However, this time period is tricky. The universe is pushing you in a direction toward your fullest self, but it presents obstacles. The key is to follow what you truly want to do and to go through those obstacles. If you don't - if you do what other people want you to do or what you think you're supposed to do - you spend the next decade or two trying to rectify it.

My Saturn Return technically began April 6th, but it kicked into gear around the end of the month. I was getting ready to take an accounting class when I felt a strong internal pull to begin ballroom dancing again. Interestingly, a coworker I didn't care for was pushing me back into it and I was silently resisting...until I saw a practice room. Looking at the mirrors and floor, a light went on and I couldn't stop thinking about it. I was also in a position where I could afford dancing for the first time in years due to a promotion in early 2016. Time commitment wasn't an issue either, as my boyfriend was working so much that we barely saw each other anyway. I needed a direction in my life and this seemed to be it, and the universe apparently agreed. Within a week, I found a partner, coaches, a practice space, and a plan. I was going to dance again and not only that, I was heading back into competition...something I believed I had given up for good.

Over the course of 4-5 months, my life seemed by changing at lightning speed:

- I started dancing again and found myself the happiest I'd been in years (a deep sort of happiness). At the time I made this decision, it felt very risky. Instead of using my newly attained promotion to go back to school, I was choosing to spend all my extra time and money on dance practice and lessons. Earlier in 2016, I had an astrology reading and my astrologer said that any decisions I made during this coming birthday year will impact the rest of my life. So of course the decision to forgo school and career development caused me anxiety. However, after talking with her again informally, she said the best thing I can do is follow what I desire. So I dropped the accounting class and have not regretted it. I've developed a sense of confidence that things work out in life the way they're supposed to...and I have to say that my quality of life has gone up immensely since I've started dancing. There may, in fact, be opportunities for me in the dance world...ones that would satisfy me (emotionally and financially) more than a career in accounting. Or - even better - maybe some new surprise that I could never guess will come up.

- I broke up with my boyfriend of three years. He's a good man, but our lives were going in different directions. Whether or not he wanted to admit it, his life was his business and he didn't have a lot of time for much else. Leaving him was very sad and a few times I wondered if I should have tried to stay. But I had waited two of those three years for him to change...to have time for me...and I didn't want to wait anymore.

- I started a relationship with someone new. The contrast between the last relationship and this one is stark and the difference amazes me every day. Before, I was constantly trying to fit into someone else's life and be convenient for him - not make demands, be flexible for his schedule, and be understanding when things fell through (which was often). I was caught quite off guard when this new person I started seeing asked me for more time together and went out of his way to make this possible. He doesn't want me to fit him, but instead changes his life so that we fit together. For instance, he wants me to have a place for my things in his house and he drives to my house every morning to take me to work...because he wants to. More than all this, though, he talks about the future as though I will be a part of it. He's optimistic and speaks with a sense of permanence about our relationship, which I appreciate. Regardless of how long we do stay together, I like this sense of permanence because it makes me feel wanted. For the last two years, I didn't feel wanted and I struggled with that every day. In this new relationship, however, there is no question of that.

I don't know how long it takes to move out of the Saturn Return growth period, but I have a feeling it isn't over and additional significant changes are going to occur in the next year (hopefully with my career??). We shall see and I'll keep you posted.

Accounting

I've discovered that I like doing reimbursements and figuring out excel spreadsheets at work. Also, though it can be taxing, I enjoy figuring out our timekeeping spreadsheet (which is almost always incorrect, despite significant efforts to change this). It is the analysis work that I find gratifying. On the other hand, when people ask me to compose a letter or write minutes, it drains me. Nor was I eager to volunteer for our newsletter committee. I enjoy writing, but something about it in the work setting either doesn't interest me or stresses me out. Maybe I'm out of practice ...or maybe I just don't like writing professionally.

However, keeping track of money interests me. I only get to see a sliver of the money management in our department, but it's my favorite part. It seems to me that the people who understand money are quite valuable. They're the ones who understand the gears of a business and can tell you if something is possible logistically, fiscally. It's a language I encounter every day, but only certain individuals are allowed to know what any of it means. So I thought it was time for me to take an accounting class.

I've taken it as a good sign that I haven't bailed on this idea yet and that I've had enough interest/momentum to actually sign up for a class. This is kind of a big deal, though, because I don't know what will happen. I'm stepping into waters where I've never been and into an area where I've not been known to excel - numbers. I'm the kind of person who is asked for help with essays and grammar, not mathematical discrepancies. However, if I want to learn accounting, it can't hurt to take a class and see how it goes.

Having a good manager is key

One part of my job for which I feel the most fortunate is how I have a great coworkers and a great supervisor. My supervisor, Maria, advocates for me and those under her for proper treatment and rewards for excellent work. Nearly everyone under her has moved up. There is one manager in the research area, however, who doesn't advocate for her one employee (and she only has one). The employee has been an administrative assistant for years and prospects of a promotion for her are slim, because her boss is afraid to have a discussion with the chair about giving her a raise. Other people have tried to negotiate for this employee, but the discussion has to come from her boss and she won't do it. It's tragic. However, I think only so much can be blamed on the boss. If the employee wants a raise, she needs to take responsibility to look elsewhere...especially if she's been in the same position for years.

I hope to be in a position (professional and mental) where I do not fear authority.

Mistakes

March was a difficult month for me at work. I've either been making mistakes or mistakes I made in the past decided to become visible. The errors have been minor to middle-grade ones. The minor ones hurt my self-confidence at most, but the middle-grade ones involved making other people look inconsiderate/uninformed. I've sent out a couple apology emails. One of the mistakes involved a doctor yelling at another employee. That one made me feel the worst. The short story is that I had wrong information, which I passed on to someone and she passed on to someone else. Between the time I found that information and the mistake happened (an announcement went out with this wrong information), the right information actually came to my inbox. However, my brain cells were not working and it didn't occur to me that the two pieces of information didn't match...even as I was talking about one of them aloud to a coworker.

Guilt hung over me like an overcast day. I felt like I could have prevented it had I been thinking. I told the story to several people, including those involved in the blowup, and no one blamed me. It still took me a few days to get over it.

It just goes to show that when you think you're on top of your game, you still mess up and it can be the worst. At least my profession doesn't hold the physical lives of others in my hands. I would have a hard time dealing with those kind of mistakes.

Suddenly, I was a Supervisor

I had written this back on February 28th, but didn't publish it. It was an important learning moment for me in my career, though, so I want it to be on record.

Let me introduce our main office administrative team to you:

Janet - residency manager

Nilu - fellowship coordinator

Amy - residency coordinator, administrative associate

Melissa - administrative assistant (formerly Amy's position)

Janet came to me yesterday and let me know Melissa was taking time off. She asked me if I wanted a copy of her forms. Two things went through my head:

1) Why would I need her forms? Why would I care?

2) Shouldn't Maria (executive assistant and head admin of department) get the forms?

I asked Janet about this and she said that she (Janet) and I were Melissa's direct supervisors. Umm...what? I was pretty sure Maria was her supervisor. In the past, the previous fellowship coordinator was on the verge of being let go because she had reported to the incorrect person...at least those were the reasons brought against her. Janet had talked to Maria, though, who said that, no, we were in charge: Janet was the manager over here and I knew exactly what Melissa was in charge of and what she was supposed to be doing. Therefore, we were her supervisors. 

I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach. It wasn't that I didn't want this responsibility, I just felt bad because sometimes I lost patience with Melissa. Many times I've wondered why she's asked me certain questions...why can't she take some initiative and figure them out herself? Or I've wondered why she needs help writing an email or why she isn't quick and snappy about things like me. I've always answered her questions, helped her with emails, never mentioned her work pace, but I've been silently judgmental about it. Now that I realize I'm professionally responsible for her...I feel terrible about it. 

Training someone is challenging. I keep trying to remind myself that when I start new jobs, I feel like the dumbest person ever. I repeat questions over and over again and I forget things. There are also things you don't think about...like how to correspond with others appropriately. There's a system of class levels and formality within the hospital and between other academic institutions. You have to learn how to communicate between the classes - how you address people, how you phrase what you want without offending them, or even if you should be sending them email or calling them at all (you don't email chairs of departments directly, for instance - you talk to their assistants). There were times when I asked my coworkers how to say things...because I didn't know a professional way to do so. I forget this sometimes. I forget how much I've learned, especially when it comes to "invisible" skills. 

Overall, Melissa does a great job. She's positive and gets along with the doctors. She does everything they ask and gets tasks done on time. Who am I to complain that she's not high-strung like me about details? Or that she isn't rushing around. Maybe she is...I sit in the back and only see her about half the day anyway.

Dream: Trying to Meet Little Amy

I had a dream a few nights ago in which I was at a theatrical performance. I was watching a children's show. A bunch of kids were on stage dancing and one was the lead of this particular scene. I realized in the middle of it that it was me at age 5. The moment this dawned on me, I tore out of my seat and down the stairs. I tried to run backstage before they left so I could meet little Amy and talk to her. However, there was some law of the universe that prohibited it and I couldn't reach her - an invisible force field went up. Then quickly, the show began to disintegrate and what I was seeing didn't actually exist anymore...it was as though I had been watching a 3D projector show.

I'm not sure what it is, but I've been preoccupied with wanting to meet my little self for years.

It's a sad wonder

It's a sad wonder to realize that you and people whom you respected, laughed with, and even loved can now cause you such pain and anger. Some of my once-friends have gone down paths so strikingly different from me that we are on the verge of hate for each other (in a non-confrontational way). People I once cared about and admired spread political messages that strike the very core of my being. I become so angry. They are so ignorant, I think. They have no idea...none...of what they say and who they hurt. They are so self-righteous about it that it's disgusting. Sometimes I post something, but more often I don't. Who is to say they are incorrect? Who is to say I am correct? I don't have an answer for that. It's very possible that I misunderstand and that I am doing great damage to others...somehow. Furthermore, so much hate plagues the world that I don't want to pass that torch. I prefer to put it out when it gets to me. There are times when fighting is necessary, but I'm not a fighter. Not a fighter against other people, anyway. I prefer to promote discussion rather than violence (in action or words).

Still...it is quite sad how far and away we are from each other and how animosity courses through us...

The Anti-Passion Trail

I'm trying to instill the anti-follow-your-passion mindset in myself. It seems that some people do good by this type of thinking and some don't. Apparently I'm one of the latter. I just end up confused and anxious when I think about my "passions." I've been watching a few videos and listening to podcasts this last week on NOT following one's passion and they have offered some key insights:

1) Mike Rowe on "Behind the Brand." Mike Rowe is the host of Dirty Jobs on the Discovery Channel. His position on work is that you go in the opposite direction of everyone else, because that's where the money is. Hence, Dirty Jobs is about people who make a living doing work no one wants to do and many of them are millionaires. Mike himself actually looked for likely-to-fail projects in Hollywood; this way he could work for a few weeks and then take a few weeks off. However, the main takeaway I received from this video was that you need to figure out how to monetize your work. That is the bottom line. No matter how much you love what you do, if you're not earning money, you're not eating. The people in Dirty Jobs found an opportunity to make money, became good at it, and then learned to love it.

A similar idea is discussed here:

2) Reply All Podcast: Perfect Crime. The guys on Reply All reported on an actress and a long-running, but terrible show in New York called "Perfect Crime." It has bad reviews, yet people keep seeing it. The whole setup is a different way to define success - even though the show is awful, it manages to continue running and cast and crew remain employed. Not a "passion-filled" operation at all; it's paradoxical, but it seems to be working.

Next was:

3) Ben Horowitz - Commencement Speech. The part I liked best was his observations on following one's passion (around 8:00): passions are hard to prioritize (Amen!), what you're passionate about now may not be what you're passionate about in the future, you might not be very good at your passion (think American Idol), and following your passion is very a me-centered view of the world. He suggests, "Follow your contribution. Find the thing you're great at, put that into the world, contribute to others, and help the world be better."

So this speech helped explain why I become anxious when I think about following my passions- they are many and can change. Still, there is the question of, "What do I choose?" I admit that I'm not game for doing a job for only the sake of money. I'm not interested in a "dirty job" and I don't have a particular knack for computers or engineering.

4) Elizabeth Gilbert suggests following your curiosity. (This is a really beautiful speech, by the way.)

The things I've been good at most of my life are writing and performing. However, writing is more of bi-product of my life and I burned out on theatre and dance. I'm still into language and performance - like speaking and radio - and business and personal finance (I'm not a numbers person, but I like learning about money management)...? I guess I could start there? Maybe I should make a list of all the skills I want to develop and just start working on them.

Finally, there is the employment environment question. What kind of arrangement is good for me? I stress out a lot when I have to search for my own paycheck (freelance work). So I need a structured environment and steady paycheck (at least right now)...but my current situation is not ok with me for the long-term. I do not want to be an assistant to anyone. Eventually, I want my own projects, my own work, and my own brand. But how do I get those without throwing my salary and healthcare out the window?

I happened to glance at an email from Chris Guillebeau, author of The Art of Non-Conformity. Loved that book. I'm signed up for all his emails and even attended his World Domination Summit 2.5 years ago, which was great. He's coming out with a new book in April and I checked out the website. Interestingly, the website contains a quiz about working style: http://bornforthisbook.com/. I took the quiz twice. The first time, the result was kind of true...it determined that I was an "Independent Creative." However, I think this is something I want to be in the future, not right now. Eventually, I want to break away from the corporate world, but not yet. I retook the quiz and the second time it gave me, "Dynamic Organizer," which seems to fit very well, actually. I like and need structure within my workplace, but very much want a "side hustle," as they call it. So this is my answer to the work environment question.

Some of you may be asking about the business school thing I wrote about in December. I started studying for the GMAT full on and then became confused after three weeks. I wondered if I was doing it for something to do. My pace then slowed as I struggled with the math content and finally stopped for a week as I tried to collect myself. I think I might pick it up again just so I can take the exam and not quit. I hate feeling like a quitter and I don't want to add yet one more thing to that list. People accomplish lots of things every day and I feel like I can't even accomplish one. The trouble is, I also have a side job coming up soon that I agreed to do for someone, so my studying is going to slow down anyway.

I think my question now is, do I make business school my "side hustle" or focus on some other interest? ....geez...I don't know.

If anyone has thoughts on anything I just wrote - not necessarily about what I should do - please share!

I hate inspiration

Sometimes I sincerely hate my moments of inspiration. They come at a time when I've already carved out a plan for myself and nag at my brain until I pay them attention. So I do. I drop everything else. I think about them, research them, and imagine how to use them. I let them fill me. I get put on an emotional high as I discover, learn, and fantasize. I even begin the journey and start accomplishing goals toward it. I think, "This is it. This is what I want and I'm not going to let anything change my mind." However, after a month or two, they die away. It isn't because the task gets hard, but more like I lose motivation. The interest simply disappears like it was never there. During the transition, I feel empty and directionless. Or I feel angst and confusion. My life rhythm seems to be that of short-lived flames: I light up with one idea after the next, throwing myself into them, and then exhausting myself shortly after. It is times like these that I wish I lacked imagination. I'm tired of the rollercoaster...though I think I let myself get on. I don't want to be like people I know who start and stop and never get anywhere. Granted, I seem to be making a decent average career for myself in Higher Education Administration, so it's not like I'm scattered and broke.

The Safety of "Natural"

Whenever I come to a professional challenge, sometimes I retreat into the idea that this isn't what I am meant to do...it isn't what I'm good at. I have this belief that the things I'm good at and the things I'm "supposed" to do will employ my natural abilities. However, in thinking this way, I somehow elevate "natural" to the highest power in one's life and then hide behind it. Clinging to what I believe is "natural" allows me to excuse myself from a challenge. I forget about the skills I am very proud to have that did not come naturally to me. I also forget that sometimes "natural" requires an unlocking. When I started ballroom dancing, I wasn't pleasant to watch...I've seen the old practice videos. However, dancing became more natural to me as I put in the hours of training. Sometimes nature has to be constructed, shaped. I'm hoping that curiosity is enough of an indication that a challenging task is worth pursuing.

Financial Planning for Toilet Paper

With my new goal of paying for school, I had to come up with a specific budget plan. Previously, I had a general idea of what I spent on a weekly basis, but I didn't pay super-close attention to it. Now, though, I have a dollar amount in mind so I must be vigilant. I check my bank account often to see what the running totals are, but after reviewing my spending for the past few months, I realized that more money was leaving my hands than I thought. To combat this problem, I've added a new checking account to my banking system. It is as follows:

Checking Account #1: Food
Checking Account #2 **new**: Monthly miscellaneous items (toiletries, household products, movies, haircuts, etc.)
Checking Account #3: Rent. Only one check leaves this account monthly.
Savings Account #1: Short-term. Can dip into this as needed, but low amounts cause me stress.
Savings Account #2. Oh @#$% you lost your job/are in the hospital money. Nothing's wrong? Don't touch - save for school.

When school does happen, I'll create another savings account and split Savings #2. Some people might think this many accounts is excessive, but it helps me ration. Previously, I had one checking account and it drove me nuts when my landlord didn't deposit my check right away. So I took it out of the daily spending equation and put it on autopay. Now there is much less stress in my life, because I don't have to worry about how much money is actually in my account. Since my food and misc. expenses are separated as well, I'll know exactly how much I can spend in either category. This weekend, I was planning to make a Costco trip to stock up on a year supply of toilet paper. However, I might buy a semester bus pass instead, which will use up all of my "misc." money. Therefore, toilet paper will have to wait for two more weeks (which will be ok). I kind of like the awareness budgeting brings to my spending habits. I'm sure Future Amy will appreciate it as well.

GMAT and Coursera

Studying for the GMAT is intense. It's taking up most of my free time. Though I need to review some things in the verbal section, I'm confident about doing well in that section. My skills in the quantitative section, however, are deplorable. I look at questions and say, "I have no idea...and I have 10 seconds left to pick an answer." It's a little disheartening and studying for it makes my head spin. However, I'm not planning to take the GMAT until June, so I have some time.

In the meantime, though, I've signed up for a course on financial accounting through Coursera (pronounced like kor-Sarah). Starts in two weeks. I'm taking the free version, so it isn't for credit, but I'm super excited about it. It's an intro accounting class taught by someone at the Wharton School of Business. I'm so tempted to sign up and pay the money for their "business specializations" certificate (which includes marketing, management operations, finance), because I geek out every time I read through the descriptions - it's everything I want to learn!! Last night I was listening to a new episode of Startup and I was reading producer bios. I thought, "I wish I had the creative curiosity about reporting and audio tech to do what they do..." *Sigh* But then I explore these other business courses and the excitement is definitely there. I'm looking forward to the future.

But for now, back to practice questions and study videos... :-S

Amy's Year in Review 2015

A lot has happened with work this year, so this review will focus a lot on my professional life.

2015 Challenges

Breakdown/personal crisis in January. 2015 hit me hard right off the bat.

Short-staffed February to April at the office. I was taking on so much extra and the stress was upsetting me physically: breaking out, couldn't sleep, binge eating.

Dealing with people exploding/unloading on me, being demanding, and giving me tasks that I felt were inappropriate (e.g. writing his/her letters of recommendation) but to which I couldn't say no.

Figuring out what to do with my life. I've felt so restless this year and frustrated with my job. Sometimes work was crazy and sometimes it was boring. Either way, I do not see the UA as my end all be all. This year I've wanted more out of life, but felt constrained by my lack of transportation and money. I've been lonely for friends and agitated in my search for life-purpose fulfillment.


2015 Successes

Going home for two weddings and introducing Mike to my family at one of them. He was nervous and stressed a lot of the time (because he wasn't working), but we managed to get him out on the dance floor a few times (thanks to an intoxicated sister ;) ). I was glad he was there and he said afterward that it was a good trip.

Taking a family road trip to Wyoming. Being in a truck with family for hours on end was actually kind of fun, and Jackson Hole was a win for everyone. I hope we can do another family trip this year.

Cycling a 68+ mile ride. I've never hated wind and being the middle of nowhere in the desert so much. I'm not going to do any hardcore cycling again for a while, though I still find hills (both up and down) exhilarating.

Earning a very nice - and very needed - promotion at the end of the year.

Building a reputation as very competent, dependable employee. We've been through a couple mini crises this year, and I'm proud of the fact that people have come to depend on me because they know I will get the job done and it will be done well.


Things I've Learned

1) Build relationships with people at work, even if it's in small ways like favors or telling jokes. This could benefit you in the future.

2) Ask for help. My job is a balancing act between serving people and letting them walk all over you. Because I can't really tell people "no," I've learned to reach out to other admins to help me accomplish a task. There are many times where we pick up each other's extra work.

3) At the same time, I've learned that there is a line. Watching people take advantage of someone who was always open to everyone and couldn't say no has shown me the toll it can take. I will not be a doormat.

4) My supervisor Maria is amazing. Her work is stressful in that she's often cleaning up the mistakes of the Chairman (he missed a meeting or didn't clear travel approval before he left) while assisting in running the department. However, she doesn't forget her admin staff in the process. She wants what is best for us and trusts us all completely. She has no desire to micromanage. Once I asked her about the gates to the research area of our department (there's a changing room there that I like to use when I bike in the morning). I mentioned that sometimes security locks it at night and then doesn't unlock it in the morning, which is frustrating for me. "You need a key!" She said. "I didn't know you didn't have one!" And there was a key for me the next day. No more questions asked. She also encourages us to grow in our careers, even if that is outside of Medical Imaging and the university. Discussions have taken place between her and individual admins about looking for work elsewhere (for monetary or other reasons). She's told me that if I ever needed to move, she would gladly provide a reference. We need to do what is best for ourselves, she says.

Little by little I've been working on adopting her mindset...being trusting and supportive of an employee as a person (not just an employee for the department) and not micromanaging. I hope to be like her if/when I become a manager.

5) I bought a 4-inch memory foam mattress topper for myself. It's made a difference for sure and I look forward to going to bed now.


Goals/Thoughts/Desires for 2016

I'm going to be working with an especially dramatic and controlling person here on out - until the end of my time at Medical Imaging most likely. My goal is to learn how to work with her without losing my mind. I think if I can do that, I can do anything.

I've started doing 30 minute workouts in the morning at home. They combine strength training (using mainly body weight) and cardio. Plyometrics is almost always involved. They've made a difference in my strength and they make me feel good. My goal is to build a habit of doing this six days a week.

I am also making a habit of reading something intellectually stimulating every day - like a journal article on science, business, health, culture. I want to be more intelligent about my world and consequently more engaged. For instance, I just read about the health and financial/political crises happening in Brazil: the first female President faces impeachment for hiding budgetary issues and a virus (Zika virus) that causes microcephaly (small heads) in babies is spreading through the country via mosquitos. On top of that, the Olympic games is due to be in Rio this summer. These are important things to know, because they could eventually affect us in the US. I'm making the decision to be more informed and exercise my brain just as I do my body.

It's been a year since I've been to the cardiologist. I might try to find a primary care doctor and get a check up on my cholesterol situation. I know my vitals all seem to be good - super low heart rate, good blood pressure. It couldn't hurt to follow up, though.

As you read here, I've decided to pursue business school instead of a car. My first goal through June is to study for the GMAT. The intensity of this exam process didn't sink in until yesterday when I was setting up a plan. I was thinking more about business school, as well, and I became afraid. I was afraid of debt, disrupting my routine, and lack of sleep. I was afraid of the competitive atmosphere and being behind everyone else. I'm not practiced to think strategically in business! I was afraid of the realization that maybe I wasn't good enough to be there. Why did I want to go to business school anyway?? How am I going to answer that question in essays, interviews, and conversations at work? I'm not panicked right now, but these are things I'm going to work out over the next few months. The thing is...the more I think about business school, the more scared I become and the more I want to go. It's an emotional tennis match. All I'm going to say is, let's get through round one of the GMAT and see how things go.

Over and out. Bring on 2016.