Dancing with Our Stars

At the beginning of the year, I've been in a "let's make things happen" mode. I see my friends and others on social media going out and accomplishing things they want to do. The energy inside of me to do the same has been building. Instead of thinking and wondering, I ask, "how do I make this happen?" Then I reach out to people. One of my goals is already underway to being checked off: dancing at a charity event.

While I had a couple charity events in mind, there was one where I really wanted to do this: Dancing with Our Stars. It's an event for the Diaper Bank of Southern Arizona. Tucson community members ("Stars") are paired with professional instructors and compete for the mirror ball at a gala event (like the tv show). There's a lot of publicity around it (tv, radio, magazine articles) and the event itself is pretty large. They expect over 400 people to attend every year. Last year, I saw professionals at my studio participating and wanted to attend. But then I was hit with the price: $175 per ticket. No way could I afford that.

This year, I decided to put myself out there and ask the Diaper Bank if I could participate as an exhibition dancer. I thought maybe I could get in for free as a dancer "donating" my time as entertainment. Nope. I discovered that Stars who participate in the competition have to sponsor a table for $1750. Many people buy a table or have their companies sponsor it and then sell the tickets. If you want to do a performance-only piece and not compete, you have to pay $2000. If I thought $175 was out of my budget, this was out of my league entirely.

In telling me all this, the event coordinator said she was looking for more "Stars" to perform. I told her I wasn't interested, but I did nominate one of the doctors I work for, Dr. Gilbertson. She went to the event last year and expressed that she wanted to participate. In the meantime, the organizer asked if I could help with the event night itself. That way I could be there at least and see the show. I agreed.

Dr. Gilbertson hesitated for a few days, but eventually agreed to be a Star. She managed to find sponsors both in our department and at her husband's practice. She was very excited about it. I was excited for her, too. I knew she would have a good time performing. The week this was all happening, Dr. Gilbertson had a birthday party. Other doctors were chatting about it and one of them - Dr. Becker - asked me if I was participating. "Oh no," I said. "You have to sponsor a table in order to participate." "Oh we can do that for you," she responded immediately. I was caught off guard. We talked about it a bit more and she said she could find people interested in going. Ibrahim was skeptical about this. "Make sure this isn't drunk party talk," he joked. I sent her an email with the details and the next week confirmed she was still willing to help with this. And so I was in.

I'm still in disbelief somewhat. I had this huge obstacle in front of me ($2000 to pay for a 2 minute dance performance) and now it is gone. We're performing! In front of 400 people!

I want to quit my job

I want to quit my job. I am dissatisfied with my work. I thought maybe if I have something outside of work that fulfills me, having a "pay the bills" job is fine. For about a year, it was. However, things for me have changed. I'm starting to feel irritated with/intolerant of things that never really bothered me before: my pay, my work hours, the way one or two people treat me, the trainings and meetings I'm  expected to attend, my new responsibilities, etc. In fact, sometimes I don't want to do anything and get annoyed when people ask me to complete various tasks. However, I keep my emotions in check and do what I need to do. I know it's not my work - it's me.

The truth is, I don't feel fulfilled with my work. I don't feel like I'm growing in the direction I want. When you are working toward a goal and you're on the path you want to be on, you can put up with all kinds of crap: people taking advantage of you, lousy hours, little to no benefits, and low pay. You deal with it, because in the end it will pay off. On the other hand, if you have everything - good pay, good benefits, flexible hours, great coworkers - but don't feel fulfilled, all these things get on your nerves...probably irrationally. That's where I am right now.

The problem is, I don't know where to go or what would make me feel fulfilled. I've been reading a lot of articles on fulfilling careers and career changes, but nothing has sparked an idea. Or a plausible idea. I just know I want to create things. I've thought about photography, writing, websites, and marketing/advertisement. I've also thought about become a dance teacher...but the pay for that quite low unless you're well-known or have serious business skills (aka not a great teacher, but you can sell).

I don't know what I'm going to do, but I want to figure it out soon. I'm increasingly dreading the days I have to go to work and I'm getting cranky. I need to figure things out before I explode.

Death

I didn't know what else to call this post. I'm just so shocked. I found out today that Nic, the dancer from my Holy Grail post, died this weekend in a fatal car crash. I simultaneously have thoughts I need to express and yet feel at a loss for words at the same time.

The most shocking thing is that Nic was so young - he was around my age (late 20s, early 30s) - and rising to the top in ballroom. This year he and his partner were #7 in amateur USA dance championship standard. He was active in his dance community and it sounded like (from our conversation in Phoenix) he was advancing in his programming career as well. He was thriving in life and it was suddenly cut short. It happens all the time...but I just couldn't believe it happened to someone like him. I felt so horrible. And then I imagined Neli, his partner. I can't imagine what she's going through right now, and I don't want to...I get to a point and then stop myself because the idea is so painful. If anything like this happened to Ibrahim, my life would be over. Everything would be impacted: of course my life partnership, my dance career, my home, getting around....But in the beginning I probably wouldn't be able to leave my house anyway, except for food. I'd be so devastated. I would call in to work and take family medical leave for the full 12 weeks allowed. I would need to check myself in to see a therapist so I wouldn't hurt myself. God. I don't want to think about it.

I barely knew Nic, but I'm glad I did. He was charismatic, genuine, and sincerely interested in having a conversation and getting to know you. He seemed like just a really good guy. He was also a hugger. I looked forward to seeing where his life would go and how far he and Neli would make it on the international dance scene. I feel I don't know him like those in Minnesota do, but I need to pay tribute to a young man who impacted my life and inspired me nonetheless. To you, Nic. I hope to follow your path and be as good of a dancer and as good of a person as you.

Year in Review 2016 and Looking to 2017

2016 was interesting. Where I am today is completely unexpected, but wonderful.

2016 goals/what I actually did:

1) Read a newspaper everyday/Read facebook every day.

2) Exercise for 30 minutes every day before work/Exercise anywhere from 0-20 minutes before work. Dance for 1.5-2 hours after work. 

3) Study for the GMAT, take an accounting class, start school again/Take dance lessons, begin an interest in sewing dresses and clothing.

4) Deal with a difficult person at work/Turns out she isn't so bad. She's more or less "adopted" me as her child who runs her schedule, fee payments, paperwork, travel, etc. I've learned and continue to learn how she operates and how I can keep people (including myself) out of the "line of fire." But really, she and I get along very well and I appreciate her much more.

I had hoped that my professional life would develop, but instead my hobbies and personal life have expanded/deepened and my life has been very happy this way. 

Lessons Learned

I only have one for this year: I can't force the best path for me; I can only take advantage of opportunities as they appear. For me, the path of happiness came in serendipitous situations. I went through several periods of frustration and felt like I was spinning my wheels, both personally and professionally. To fix the situation, I tried to move in any direction I could: go back to school, preoccupy myself with exercise, think of how I could earn more money...just do something. However, none of my attempts to remedy the situation worked. They didn't excite me about my life. What did work? Seemingly out-of-the-blue moments of luck: 

1) Someone else was pushing me toward dancing. I finally had the money to start again, so I decided to do it and began contacting people. Voila: I had a partner and coaches almost instantly. It required very little effort on my part. 

2) I wanted more friends and people with whom I could do activities and spend time; this came along with dancing. 

3) I thought I would start sewing dresses and clothes. I had dinner with Ibrahim's friends and one of them gave me a machine for free. I've also started talking to more people about dressmaking and it's been a lot of fun...expanding my circle and deepening friendships even more.

4) I started a new relationship with someone with whom I share goals and who compliments my personality/life direction/habits very well. This came naturally from other life changes (dancing!) 

There is a belief out there that you need to take your life into your own hands and steer it to your liking. This didn't work for me. I was pushing in directions that would have sufficed for a decent life, but I wouldn't have had the spark (joy) I wanted. I think our paths have their own trajectory and while we can influence them, we can't force them to our will. There is an end-goal for our souls that we can't see, and to get there may involve being poor or aimless, hating our jobs, being in a dysfunctional relationship, or otherwise feeling unfulfilled. All we can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other - making the best decisions we can - until our opportunities appear...and then grab on heroically when they come against all logic. 

Goals for 2017 - all dance-related

1) Front splits and side splits. (Stretch goal)
2) Make rondes (RON-days) that are level with my head when I kick them in my routines. 
3) Semi-final in SOMETHING at NDCA nationals this year. (Stretch goal)
4) Do four dance competitions (big, small, medium, whatever).
5) Dance a latin and standard routine that I'm not ashamed to post on facebook/youtube.
6) Successfully rhinestone a standard and latin dress. Meaning, they don't look bad.
7) Design a practice dress and sew it. (Stretch goal)
8) Make friends at dance competitions.

I think this is the first year I've had solid goals that I believe are attainable. A few of them are "stretch goals" that may be a little ambitious, but they aren't impossible. My only professional goal this year is to not get fired. I need my job to support my dancing habit.

I'm pretty excited about 2017. I'm hoping to be in a place I don't expect (in a good way) by this time next year.

Saturn Return

In astrology, a Saturn Return occurs every 28.5 to 30 years in a person's life. This is the point when Saturn comes back to the exact place in the sky where it was when you were born. It marks a period of major life change. The first Saturn Return at 28.5-30 years old signifies the beginning of adulthood. As it was explained to me, the first 28 years or so of a person's life is spent learning to survive, and the next 28-30 years are spent truly living and bringing aspirations to fruition. These are times when people completely change course: they switch careers, move somewhere else, get married, have a child, go back to school, get divorced, a family member or a close friend dies...or sometimes a combination of these things happens. Major life events happen before and after a Saturn Return, but my understanding is that whatever happens during this time period is a significant directional shift. It's a life awakening, a rebirth. However, this time period is tricky. The universe is pushing you in a direction toward your fullest self, but it presents obstacles. The key is to follow what you truly want to do and to go through those obstacles. If you don't - if you do what other people want you to do or what you think you're supposed to do - you spend the next decade or two trying to rectify it.

My Saturn Return technically began April 6th, but it kicked into gear around the end of the month. I was getting ready to take an accounting class when I felt a strong internal pull to begin ballroom dancing again. Interestingly, a coworker I didn't care for was pushing me back into it and I was silently resisting...until I saw a practice room. Looking at the mirrors and floor, a light went on and I couldn't stop thinking about it. I was also in a position where I could afford dancing for the first time in years due to a promotion in early 2016. Time commitment wasn't an issue either, as my boyfriend was working so much that we barely saw each other anyway. I needed a direction in my life and this seemed to be it, and the universe apparently agreed. Within a week, I found a partner, coaches, a practice space, and a plan. I was going to dance again and not only that, I was heading back into competition...something I believed I had given up for good.

Over the course of 4-5 months, my life seemed by changing at lightning speed:

- I started dancing again and found myself the happiest I'd been in years (a deep sort of happiness). At the time I made this decision, it felt very risky. Instead of using my newly attained promotion to go back to school, I was choosing to spend all my extra time and money on dance practice and lessons. Earlier in 2016, I had an astrology reading and my astrologer said that any decisions I made during this coming birthday year will impact the rest of my life. So of course the decision to forgo school and career development caused me anxiety. However, after talking with her again informally, she said the best thing I can do is follow what I desire. So I dropped the accounting class and have not regretted it. I've developed a sense of confidence that things work out in life the way they're supposed to...and I have to say that my quality of life has gone up immensely since I've started dancing. There may, in fact, be opportunities for me in the dance world...ones that would satisfy me (emotionally and financially) more than a career in accounting. Or - even better - maybe some new surprise that I could never guess will come up.

- I broke up with my boyfriend of three years. He's a good man, but our lives were going in different directions. Whether or not he wanted to admit it, his life was his business and he didn't have a lot of time for much else. Leaving him was very sad and a few times I wondered if I should have tried to stay. But I had waited two of those three years for him to change...to have time for me...and I didn't want to wait anymore.

- I started a relationship with someone new. The contrast between the last relationship and this one is stark and the difference amazes me every day. Before, I was constantly trying to fit into someone else's life and be convenient for him - not make demands, be flexible for his schedule, and be understanding when things fell through (which was often). I was caught quite off guard when this new person I started seeing asked me for more time together and went out of his way to make this possible. He doesn't want me to fit him, but instead changes his life so that we fit together. For instance, he wants me to have a place for my things in his house and he drives to my house every morning to take me to work...because he wants to. More than all this, though, he talks about the future as though I will be a part of it. He's optimistic and speaks with a sense of permanence about our relationship, which I appreciate. Regardless of how long we do stay together, I like this sense of permanence because it makes me feel wanted. For the last two years, I didn't feel wanted and I struggled with that every day. In this new relationship, however, there is no question of that.

I don't know how long it takes to move out of the Saturn Return growth period, but I have a feeling it isn't over and additional significant changes are going to occur in the next year (hopefully with my career??). We shall see and I'll keep you posted.

It's a sad wonder

It's a sad wonder to realize that you and people whom you respected, laughed with, and even loved can now cause you such pain and anger. Some of my once-friends have gone down paths so strikingly different from me that we are on the verge of hate for each other (in a non-confrontational way). People I once cared about and admired spread political messages that strike the very core of my being. I become so angry. They are so ignorant, I think. They have no idea...none...of what they say and who they hurt. They are so self-righteous about it that it's disgusting. Sometimes I post something, but more often I don't. Who is to say they are incorrect? Who is to say I am correct? I don't have an answer for that. It's very possible that I misunderstand and that I am doing great damage to others...somehow. Furthermore, so much hate plagues the world that I don't want to pass that torch. I prefer to put it out when it gets to me. There are times when fighting is necessary, but I'm not a fighter. Not a fighter against other people, anyway. I prefer to promote discussion rather than violence (in action or words).

Still...it is quite sad how far and away we are from each other and how animosity courses through us...

Mating in Captivity: Negotiating Intimacy and Desire & Personal Take-Aways

I began reading Mating in Captivity hoping to learn the role of sex in long-term relationships, apart from procreation. I wanted to understand how it fueled marital conflict and how this conflict could be resolved...or even avoided. While reading, though, I discovered the answers to my questions were complex. The author and psychotherapist, Esther Perel, does not give the reader definitive responses, but instead opens the discussion to a big-picture view. She discusses culture and history...the things that mold our perceptions of sex, relationships, and ourselves. So while I was expecting an expert's opinion on relationship dynamics, I found something more beautifully complex - a window into the cultural and psychological shaping of human sexuality.

The main thesis of this book is that intimacy and desire are needed for a fulfilling relationship, but they require contradicting circumstances. Perel states that intimacy needs closeness, but desire needs distance. Intimacy is important because it creates stability: knowing each other allows you function better as a unit. It's also the "caring" part of the relationship - putting someone else before yourself (nurturing them, being responsible for them, etc.). Desire, however, is what keeps a couple romantically interested in each other. It comes from the unknown and the anticipation of what will come. For some couples, this thesis may not be correct. Knowing each other more may create more desire, which is great. Yet there are many who find themselves frustrated because the "flame" has died. For these couples, Perel does not offer a single solution for reconciling desire and intimacy, because there isn't one. However, they can be managed according to each unique relationship, and it comes down to negotiating distance (physical, emotional, and verbal).

In discussing the negotiation between intimacy and desire, Perel brings up numerous points regarding sex and sexuality within society and within oneself. I decided to talk about just a few that impacted the way I thought about relationships and myself.


1) A Person for a Village

In cultures where three generations live under one roof and/or communities are close-knit (everyone knows everyone's business), achieving intimacy isn't an issue. Everyone is probably close enough. However, in our modern American culture, we have an ability to communicate without actually seeing each other. As beneficial as this is, the lack of physical presence may leave us longing for intimacy more than any other generation. Then, when we find a partner, we are at risk for putting too many expectations on that person: to provide stability, excitement, sexual fulfillment, counsel, and friendship...essentially take on multiple and contradictory roles. It is possible for someone to do this in bits and pieces, but one cannot expect a person to fulfill his/her partner completely. When trying to fill the intimacy void goes too far, it could make people needy and/or controlling and also lead to much disappointment.

This point struck me because it shows how some problems in relationships extend beyond the couple...they are results of the culture, not simply the individuals involved. Perel doesn't offer an answer for working around this specifically, but in my life, I'm trying to open my network more to fill the lack of intimacy. Instead of turning only to my significant other, I try to spend more time with friends and talk to my family. When I need to process things and no one is available to talk, I go for a long bike ride. I search for small ways to meet my needs that aren't dependent on my partner. It isn't easy, and sometimes I have to let a need go unmet. However, I try to be conscious of the fact that there are two people in my relationship and that we can't do and be everything for each other.


2) Eroticism as a Map

I used to view eroticism as a repulsive concept - it was vulgar and indecent. Disgusting. While reading this book, I learned I was not alone in my belief...and that I was also incredibly misinformed.

Eroticism is sexual desire, but it's layered and complicated. When you investigate another person's desire (or maybe your own) you find a map of the psyche. Erotic fantasies - no matter how simple or complex - can reveal the way a person perceives himself, how she balances power between her and society, and how he was loved and/or hurt in the past (by individuals or society at large). Erotic fantasies are attached to some of our deepest vulnerabilities, and being able to express them is a way to experience freedom. In fantasies, we are able to go against what is expected of us and be in control of our environment. Demonstrating them to another puts the person in a vulnerable situation. However, if welcomed, it can correct a personal imbalance and satisfy a mental need. Why sex is the vehicle for experiencing this kind of freedom, I'm not sure. Maybe because it's the one thing about our human nature that is most stifled in public. I no longer see eroticism as something that should be suppressed, but rather as a means to better understand one's history and needs, as well as a way to escape cultural pressures and expectations. One could even say it has a healing quality...maybe Marvin Gaye was onto something...


3) Sexual Make Up

In order to understand where a couple's issues take root, Esther Perel has to unfold her clients' histories. She explores the family, religious, and cultural dynamics in their childhoods. Reading these accounts, of course, made me reflect on the role sex has played in the course of my life. For most of it - I'm sad to say - I've held negative and restrictive views of intercourse and eroticism, and only over the past two years have I been unpacking them and their origins. I never realized how much they affected me...the way I interacted with and viewed other people and, more importantly, the way I felt about myself...as a growing, maturing person. There has been a lot of internal pain by trying to keep myself "safe" and within the lines. I've probably perpetuated that pain in others, as well. I tried to pinpoint where my views came from and how they developed, but the truth is they are built into the system in which I live - government, education, religion, and the influence of family and friends. I understand that institutions are in place to keep sex from being misused, but I wish I had been taught differently. I was directly told that "yes, yes, sex is a beautiful and good thing if kept within ____ boundaries and under ____ conditions." However, indirectly, the more powerful message that stayed with me was that it caused problems, it was sinful, and it needed to be contained. I've felt the consequences of this message, and yet I can't blame anyone for it. Tradition is a powerful force and many people pass things along in the best interests of others, especially their children.

Many of us think of sexuality and sex as adult concepts, but it is with us from birth. We are sexual beings even as children, and how people teach us about sex affects our self-esteem, the way we perceive, and how we perform everyday functions. Between two people, sex creates life, but within an individual, sex (hormones, organs, fantasy) lets a person live. Even if a person never sleeps with someone else, sex is still a building block of his/her life. I am just sad that so much shame and stigma is attached to it.



While the primary purpose of Mating in Captivity is to help couples balance intimacy and excitement, it goes beyond offering suggestions for issues on the surface. Esther Perel helps her readers understand that managing the balance means knowing yourself, your personal history, and your culture. The unspoken rules our society maintains, the ideals we come to believe, and our childhood experiences play as much of a role in our relationships as do complimentary values, habits, and attractive features. Beyond self exploration, she invites you to experiment with your relationship...communicate in different ways or change the direction of your daily energy. Mating in Captivity won't gain favor with everyone, because some of the ideas Perel brings up are against the grain (even I didn't agree with all of them). However, the multicultural perspectives she brings to the table are worth reading. I hope they catch on in the United States...for the sake of the mental and physical health of our people.

On Happiness and What Life Is (shared from a friend)

"Happiness is not an end-goal, but an experience achieved through being fully engaged in the business of living your life..."

and

"...this incubation period that we have entitled as ‘living’ is simply a cyclical process of preparation and learning prior to the next step in our soul’s journey to some currently undefined end state."



So if I may paraphrase...

1) happiness is full engagement with your life, not an achievement
2) "living" is preparation for each challenge we face and learning from its result...all leading to a place we find ourselves going but don't know exactly where it is or what lies there waiting for us.


Thanks for your insights HS ~ http://breakinworld.com/blog/?p=714