Ten Things About Amy - End of 2013 Edition

My cousin asked me to write 10 things about myself for a facebook thing going around. It took me months, but I finally wrote them and I want to share them here, as well.

1) With a few exceptions, I have an attention span of about three months for hobbies/interests. It's awesome and unfortunate at the same time.

2) I find joy in the little things. I just went out an bought a new tube of toothpaste and couldn't be more excited!

3) It's interesting how my ambitions have changed over the years. I used to dream big and hope to impact the world with some amazing idea or feat. However, now I just want to afford my own apartment and groceries. I'm not sure if that's failure or life.

4) I am into bodywork and oriental medicine. They have been instrumental in physical and psychological healing.

5) I live my life behind the trends. I'm completely ok with this, except that when I finally watch Breaking Bad, I won't have anyone to agonize with over the drama.

6) Laughing's my favorite! :-D

7) I can answer a phone like a boss.

8) There was a time when I lived by a rigid set of rules, where things were black and white, right and wrong. You could see that rigidness in my body, hear it in the way I spoke, and feel it when I walked into a room. Now, my life is much softer. I've broken "the rules." I laugh more. I don't paint things as black and white, but as blue, orange, yellow, etc. I'm open to more interpretations of the way life can be. I believe there is a time for rules and rigidness, especially when building a foundation. However, I've learned that there is also a time for expansion, and that one must grow out of the foundation in order to create, be, and live a life worthwhile. 

9) Once, I accidentally dropped a spoon down the garbage disposal while it was running and it now has an oddly-bent shape. It is my favorite dining utensil.

10) I value being healthy. I hope to figure out exactly what that means by the age of 75.

Releasing Anger

I believe people are inherently good...but sometimes I forget it when they hurt me.     It usually isn't until later that I see two were at fault in a falling out, and it's hard to realize that it takes a broken, unpatchable relationship to learn of our flaws. It sucks to think that we have to "go through" each other like boxes of kleenex. It's difficult to see it took a person's pain, discontinued contact, and time to understand that I was wrong...and how I was wrong. And that nothing can be done to heal the gash, except maybe time.

When I moved to Arizona, I was in pain mentally. I see now, too, that I held a lot of anger. I don't quite understand where either the pain or the anger came from, but I'm sure it was a combination of my own inner workings and outside influences. Either way, today I felt as though I had let go of some anger. It came out as sadness - because I saw my past differently - but either way, it's gone.

Beating the What-If's

I can't believe it's been over a month since I've posted last. Living my life has been time- and thought-consuming. I admit that my head hasn't been entirely together either...focus = difficult. Nonetheless, I've been embarking on more self-realization adventures and research. Lately, a challenge I've had is whether or not to commit to something, because I'm afraid of what I might lose. Right before I make said commitment, my brain reacts with, "Wait! What if I want This? or That? What if I want to live in a foreign country? What if I want to be XYZ after all?!" In a few minutes, though, I'll calm myself down and remember that if I really wanted something, I would have been working toward it already. The universe would have focused my energy in that direction and things would have aligned for me. If it's not happening, it means that I'm just scared and making excuses. This is when I need to get all Nike and "just do it."

Switched-Race Alter Egos

My good friend Yvette is a black woman originally from D.C. She was telling me how she used to work at a call center and would adopt an alter ego in order to sell products. She imagined she was a little white blonde girl named Stevie and - after taking on this persona - she claimed to have had significantly more sales than she would have had otherwise. I thought this was hilarious, but admitted that I couldn't do the opposite - pretend to be a black woman on the phone.

"I don't know, Amy," she said. "Sometimes you get an attitude that reminds me of my aunts."
"Really..." I said. I thought this was cool. Part of me has secretly wished I was black...or anything other than white to be honest.
"What should my name be? Something like LaToya or LaKeisha..."
"LaKeisha!"

And so it was. Yvette and I now have alter egos that we enjoy pulling out at work every once in a while - Stevie and LaKeisha - and they are great friends. They bring much laughter into the office.

Gender Roles: Ruling the World vs. Baking Cookies

An observant friend of mine mentioned that the roles of women in American society can be confusing. For instance, you find driven women who run businesses or have high-powered jobs, and yet deep down they struggle with an inner conflict - sometimes all they want to do is bake cookies. Right now I agree with this theory, because I experience it on a less extreme level. On one hand, I want to write books, travel, and change the world. Yet at the same time - in the back of my mind - I still have the dream of marrying rich and being relieved of earning money...where my only responsibility is being a good wife and a "partner in crime." And you know what? I have no shame in admitting that.

Releasing the Fire

During the months of July and August, I'd had trouble sleeping. I'd also been feeling anxious and as though my nerves had been fried. My appetite increased in the evening and I couldn't sleep unless I put myself in a food coma. It was distressing and I couldn't figure out how to change it. Luckily I was exercising a lot so I had minimal weight gain. I had a feeling my job was giving me this stress and it was interfering with my ability to function. So I made an acupuncture appointment. I couldn't handle things on my own and I didn't know what to do anymore.

The treatment went well. During our interview, the acupuncturist suggested meditation. She acknowledged, though, that sometimes an active mind makes it difficult for a person to settle down enough for meditation. I was having extreme difficulty even sitting still in my chair let alone being able to quiet my mind, so I was thankful she recognized this. Nonetheless, she gave me an exercise that not only helped calm my mind but also created a soft, mental shield around myself that would help block me from energy-sucking circumstances/people. Nifty.

Every acupuncturist is different and this one was much more of a nurturer than the last two I've seen. All are excellent, but I appreciated being able to talk more about how I was feeling and have some healing conversation about my life. This one also put what felt like two-dozen needles in me. They were painless, though. Shortly after she left, I became amused. Then I felt a bubbling sensation work itself up from my midsection and come out as uncontrollable laughter. I kept my mouth closed out of fear I would disturb other treatments going on in the rooms next door, but I nonetheless laughed inexplicably for a couple minutes. Then it slowly faded away and I was left in a very peaceful state. When the acupuncturist returned, she asked me if I had felt any sensations. I mentioned the laughter and she said, "Ah, good. That means you had an excess of fire." I looked this up later and discovered that all the symptons I'd been having aligned with this "excess of fire" idea. From what I understand, fire is an energy that travels upward in the body. When a person has too much fire in her system, she experiences insomnia, worry, and anxiety. Appetite also increases because food pushes the energy downward. Hence, in an attempt to calm myself down when it was time to sleep, my body signaled that I was hungry...which explained the necessity of a food coma before bed. Another symptom of excess fire is laughter. I wrote to a friend earlier that while I was having so much anxiety and I couldn't sleep, I was somehow laughing all the time. It was confusingly contradictory - my life was unpleasantly stressful and yet I found so many reasons to be joyful. It turns out that laughter is one way to release fire energy. Interesting.

The treatment helped, but about a week later I felt the change in seasons as Tucson shifted into fall. I felt it last year, too. It's still 90-some degrees here, but I can tell when the energy slows down...because I slow down with it. I'm doing much better as a result. My appetite is normal again and I'm sleeping better. Unfortunately, I am also laughing less. I still laugh, but it's not as often and it doesn't carry as much. I guess I have to take the good with the bad...and it is nice to be normal again.

Aura

I was waiting at the bus stop and looked up to see if it was coming. Instead I saw a small, young Indian woman (about my age) walking toward me. There was nothing remarkable about her appearance - she was rather plain, actually - but from 30 feet away I sensed a goodness about her. When we made eye contact, she started to smile and I started to smile in return. But then I thought it was weird and stopped. I didn't know this girl. As she came closer, that feeling of goodness became stronger. It was so strong that when she stood next to me, I felt an invisible, but tangible glow around her...a three-foot radius of calm, peaceful goodness. It seemed like nothing negative could touch her.  She made me feel relaxed, and very present. We had a short conversation about when the bus was coming, but I couldn't say much more after that. I didn't know what to make of the situation, honestly. I was a little confused. I did keep thinking, though, that one day I wanted to emanate goodness in the same way.

Emerging from the Life TaNgLe

I wish the idea of success being a tangled knot would emerge in media more often, and particularly in the context of finding your way. The fact that your car breaks down en route to New Awesome City and causes you stay in Nowheresville for a few months, or that What I Thought I Wanted Wasn't Actually It happens more than once would be nice to see.

Happiness Is Less Than Perfect

I often picture my ideal home, group of friends, living location, significant other, family, and job and work toward that perfection. Yet, sometimes the things that make me happiest are the ones that bear no resemblance to my ideal at all.

Lines of Beauty

In June, I experimented with drawing a human face. I drew many details around the eyes, nose, mouth, jawline, forehead, ears, etc. The more I drew, though, the less real it looked. I stared at it for a while and then reached for my eraser. Maybe I'll take out this line, I thought. But I didn't take out just one. I erased many lines until there were only a few left. Somehow it looked much better, but I didn't understand why.

A few weeks later, my drawing teacher told the class about how the eye can only focus on one point and the rest of what you see blurs. When you take a picture, for instance, the camera usually captures every little detail and it looks flat and unreal. However, one thing that makes a photo look good is when it gives you a focal point and blurs the background, like the example below:

This is because it shows information the way the eye sees it. 

I thought about this when I looked at people versus their portraits. When I am with people, I see one detail at a time, one shadow at a time, and one line at a time. In real life, as my eye moves across their features, one aspect comes into focus while the other one blurs. The combination of line and blur makes people appear softer and more 3-dimensional. Unless a camera is under the manipulation of a skilled photographer, it will pick up every detail of a subject and flatten it onto a single plane. Features therefore appear harsh or caricatured because we see them all at once. It's uncomfortable because it is not how we absorb information naturally. 

When I look back at my drawing of a person, I understand why it works: the lines I erased became the blur and made it look more real. This idea of seeing only one focal point makes me think about how people perceive beauty every day and I wonder which lines we like to see and which ones we prefer to blur.

What is going on with the world?!?!

Within the past month, I've witnessed three people resign from their jobs (a coordinator, a manager, and a director), three people give notice that they will be moving from full-time to "on call" as they go back to school or take a new job, a recent hire quit before she got started, and a coworker's serious relationship just ended. So my question is, when does Amy get hit upside the head by the Universe?

World Domination Summit 2013

In January of 2011, I was sitting on a plane reading Chris Guillebeau's book, The Art of Nonconformity. In July of 2013, I was on a plane headed to the third annual conference that he puts together called the World Domination Summit. I was stoked. And scared.

What IS this thing?

The question most of the attendees struggled to answer. The reason is because it was many things to many people. Some people came for knowledge, some people came for networking, and some people came to witness a reality they wanted to attain. I came for all of these reasons. So the best packaged response I can give of the nature of WDS is:

A conference where people come together to inform and inspire each other to live creative lives in a conventional world; aka "Down with 9-5 cubicle life and get paid to do what you love!"

It's bold, but over 3,000 people believe in this and 2,800 were there to support each other and demonstrate that it IS possible.

Who was there?

People I didn't expect...and people I did. There were business people, technology people, health and fitness people, people you'd expect at star trek conventions (just seeing if you're paying attention ;) ), artists, musicians, writers, film-makers, performers...people in big industries and people who had their own start-ups. I expected the age range to be 20s-30s. That was so off. I would venture that most of the attendees spanned late 30s-50s. The next biggest group would be 20s-30s. Some were in their 60s and 70s. The youngest was 17, who came with her mom.

What did you learn?

Way more than I can ever share in a single post. The weekend itself was a whirlwind. It took me a few weeks of reading other people's blog posts to remember and digest it all. Some of the highlights for me were:

1) Gretchen Rubin: The greatest thing that determines a person’s happiness? One’s level of self-awareness: accepting who you are first, not who you would like to be. This was powerful for me. 

2) Tess Vigeland. Two bloggers summed up her presentation very well, so I'm going to copy and paste from their entry on 44 Chunks of Wisdom:

• 28. How do you know when it’s time to go? When you have too much self-respect to stay.
• 29. Go out leaving no regret.
• 30. I could have not have had more fun if I were bathing in a tub of kittens.
• 31. When you have your dream job, the irony is that you don’t spend a lot of time dreaming.
• 32. I’m supposed to tell you I’ve learned so much [leaving my job] that it’s been a growing experience. It’s been terrifying, awful, and heart-breaking.
• 33. The next person who tells me “just make it happen” gets a punch in the face.
• 34. How do I get back to remarkable? By re-defining it. Our jobs are not who we are.

32 hit my core. Her entire speech hit my core. When I left Wisconsin for Tucson, people were excited for me. I was excited for me. We were all like, "Oh my gosh! Amy's going to go achieve her dreams!" 32 is actually what happened. The experience was terrifying, awful, and heart-breaking. So heart-breaking...I actually felt betrayed by dancing like it was a person. 

3) Donald Miller: The psychologist Viktor Frankl suggested that ultimately we humans are on a search to find a deep experiential sense of meaning. When man does not find this meaning, he seeks out pleasure. The stuff we believe we want may not make for a happy or meaningful life. (Again, taken from 44 Chunks of Wisdom). I'd never thought about this before... 

Was it life-changing?

Absolutely.

Any great memories?

1) Just barely squeaking in to listen to Jonathan Fields. They told us several times the room was full, but I hung on in line. They came out and told us they could take three people. I was in that group. **Destiny** 

I later travelled out to a suburb of Portland to buy one of his books, Career Renegade, which was life-changing just to read. 

2) Seeing people of blogging celebrity status like Leo Babauta, Jeff Goins, and Jodi Ettenberg - whose stuff I've been reading and following for at least a year - doing things like getting lunch, walking down the street, and dancing at the after-party. You know, being normal people. 

3) Meeting a organic farmer the day after the conference. I was at a train stop and heading somewhere else when I saw her WDS swag bag. I went a few blocks toward my destination, but felt a strong pull to go back to the train stop and talk to her. So I went with the pull. I sat down next to her and asked, "What brought you to WDS?" It opened up a long conversation on "passion," thinking outside the box, and wanting to live a good life. I told her it felt really good to meet someone who didn't already have an established start-up and who wasn't a high-energy extrovert like so many others I'd seen and met. She felt the same. It was definitely a memorable moment. 

Parting Thoughts?

Coming home, I felt many things, including joy, sadness, and even desperation. I saw so many people who seemed to have their "thing." They had businesses and many of them were fantastic writers. I felt very behind. I had a little personal blog and I was barely making a living...while the guy next to me had a six-figure income (not kidding). Then I read a post from another blogger I follow, Matt, where he talks about not comparing your beginning to someone else's middle. After WDS, I connected with even more people who were there through their blogs and twitter. I realized that every. single. person. there. was remarkable and amazing. Some were in their "beginnings" and some were in their "middles." I know now to look to these people as guides and inspiration, rather than hold their accomplishments next to my own. Finally, I just have to say that it's really great to be one among these people - people to whom you can say, "I traveled across the country without a job, contacts, or a place to live in order to chase a dream," and they'll respond, "That's awesome! Tell me about your dreams..." How cool is that?? Overall, WDS was a great experience. I may go back again, I'm not sure. If I were to go back, it would be to meet more amazing people. As far as information goes, though, I think I have enough to last me a lifetime...and now I gotta get to work!

Those Who Watch and Those Who Help

I just watched a girl tell her mom about a conflict she was having with a part-time job offer and an extracurricular activity. Taking the job would require her to quit a music group she's been a part of for the last two years. However, she needed to start earning an income and get work experience. The girl said, "I don't know what to do." Her mom told her that she was 17 and she wasn't going to tell her what to do - she needed to make her own decisions. 

Growing up is hard. Learning to make good choices and bushwhacking a life path for yourself often leaves you confused, frustrated, and defeated. I know some parents prefer to teach by telling their kids to "figure it out yourself" when they make mistakes and get into tough situations. However, I have watched relationships between parents and their children go down the drain because of this philosophy and I'm not surprised. I'm not talking about kids who habitually make bad decisions, don't learn, and then run to their parents to bail them out. They could use some tough love. I'm talking about the ones who are really trying their best to do well. When parents say, "You're on your own," the kids feel abandoned during a time of need. At the very least, when they ask for help like the teenage girl did, it would be great if the parents talked about options, gave some advice, helped them make a plan...you know, gave them tools and taught them how to use them...made them feel like you weren't walking away. Doing this, I think, would prevent a lot of resentment and broken ties in families. 

There's that saying about teaching a man to fish so he'll eat for a lifetime. Nowhere in there does it say, "Tell him to figure it out and walk away." 

Renaissance Woman

During a few moments of quiet at the front desk, I expressed some frustration in a conversation with my coworker/friend, Judy.

"People my age are becoming more successful - they have jobs in which they can support themselves! I feel like I'm scrambling around at the bottom, not getting anywhere, and barely scraping by. Am I not working hard enough? Am I not enterprising/aggressive/resourceful enough? What IS IT that I'm doing wrong???"

"I don't think you're doing anything wrong," Judy responded. "You're a Renaissance woman." She then went off on a tangent about how she saw my life and listed all the stuff I was doing and then repeated the phrase, "You're a Renaissance woman!" I couldn't see her point.

"What do you mean by that??" I asked impatiently.

"You're doing things differently. You could easily get a 9-5 job, but you don't."

"I've had one. It's terrible on the body."

"See? You want something different. You're breaking away from the norm."

I wish the growing pains of being the designer of your life weren't so biting.

Legacy

Many of us will dedicate significant time and energy to a job or passion of ours that we eventually leave. Our health, economic, or family situation changes, or we simply move on. Personally, I have experienced several periods of intense dedication coupled with sudden abandonment throughout my life. After each one, when I am in the process of moving on and rebuilding, I often wonder if what I had just created was worth it. Did all that passion go into a black hole and leave me with only “fond memories” and “personal satisfaction?” Those cannot be my only payoffs. There has to be something more. Fortunately, an answer came during a conversation with my mom, who used to compete in triathlon. She told me about her friend and former teammate, Anna, whose story changed the way I viewed legacy and showed me how any work done through passion was never in vain.

Anna loved triathlon and poured her soul into the sport.  She commuted an hour to the city at least twice a week for swim coaching and squeezed in cycling and running workouts around a full-time job. Her dedication and hard work showed: she attended the world championships in 2004 and was in the running to return the following year. In 2005, however, weeks before her qualifying event, she suffered a shoulder injury during an open-water swim competition. She underwent surgery and had six weeks to recover. It was a gamble as to whether or not she would be fully healed, but she attempted the qualifier anyway. On race day, however, Anna was unable to finish. 

Over the next several months, she went to physical therapy and performed modified training, but the injury continued to linger. It gradually affected other parts of her body and limited her mobility; day-to-day activities were a challenge. Anna's friends and family watched her spiral downward over the passing months – which turned into years - and it was clear that her life had changed…perhaps permanently. Her training had fallen off sharply, but she continued to see herself as a competitor. She talked about changing her workouts as she moved from “off season” to “peak season” and spoke as if little had changed. She measured her training times and physical condition with her results and stamina of the past. To the heartbreak of those closest to her, she continued to plan for a return to her former competitive self. Unfortunately, that day did not come. Anna eventually stopped traveling to Madison and lost touch with most of her peers. People assumed she finally came to terms with her reality. It was not until my mom called Anna recently to catch up that she found out what became of her.

Anna’s competitive career did come to an end. Her emotional recovery from her injury was the most difficult, but she was healing. She lost many things that she was proud of and it took her a long time to move on from her dream she had hoped to realize. Physically, she managed to heal enough to run, bike, and swim on a limited basis and continued training for her own well being. Inadvertently, her practice caught the attention of a local high school track team, who asked her to help train the distance runners. Anna accepted. Working with high school athletes did not fill the void her injury left behind, but it did renew her energy for the sport she loved and she enjoyed sharing it with others.

The season Anna came on team, she discovered everyone was talking about a certain talented distance runner. Two years earlier, speculation started circulating among the city’s coaches and students about where this athlete would attend high school. He was already climbing the ranks in competitive circles and commuted to different cities for training. Next year he would enter somewhere as a freshman. A wave of celebration swept over the team when he chose their high school. At the first practice of the following season, Anna approached him to welcome him to the team. "It's an honor to meet you," she said, stretching out her hand, "Your running is legendary." He smiled, shook hers, and said, "So is yours." 

When a chapter in our life closes abruptly, we are sometimes left feeling empty, confused, or hurt. We may wonder what the point was if it ended without giving us a meaningful conclusion. The work we did, however - the household we ran, the people we healed, the fitness level we maintained - was a torch. We pass "torches," or inspiration, as we do our greatest work. In Anna's case, her drive to excel in athleticism was admired by and passed on to the young athlete. It may have seemed inconclusive in the context of her life, but in actuality it was preserved and emboldened by someone else. 

In the same vein, we can recognize that torches have been passed on to us. We honor the carrier before us by working fervently to keep it going and building on his or her foundation, thereby accomplishing great feats ourselves. When our time has finished, we should watch to see when, how, and who picked it up after us. This - the carrying on of great work - is the point of our passion. It may conclude unceremoniously sometimes, but our work is never lost. Furthermore, if Anna's story taught me anything else, it would be to thank those who inspired me. I may never see who picks up my work, but I can let my previous carriers know that when it was time to pass the torch, I was there at the hand-off. This is legacy.

Written for LocaLeben.

Then I just saw this quote...

"The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new."

-Socrates

Current of Change

I do not understand what is going on around me, but things are changing. I felt stagnant in my life until June. I sensed that I had gotten back into a current of movement and I knew things would be changing in a month or two. Essentially, something had to change at the end of July, because I couldn't continue my life the way it had been going. Now that we're getting closer to that point, I see the pieces moving but I don't yet know if they will fall in my favor. It's like watching a game of chess in which you are one of the players, but someone else is moving your pieces. You have no idea if you're going to win or lose. It's a really close match and you hope that whoever is in charge of your game knows what's going on and won't let you crumble.

What's more, many people in my world are going through change too. Specifically, people are finding new jobs and quitting the ones they have. And it's all positive: people are entering careers they've wanted to enter for a while or they're finding jobs that will be paying them more. After going to a conference in Portland and being back in a moving current, I am being hit by change on all sides - internally and externally. There is an energy flowing through Tucson, but - like I said - I don't know what it is...or where it's coming from or where it will take me. All I know is that I'm in it and I'm thrashing around a little trying to gather my bearings (my poor parents - I've been sending feverish texts and making anxious phone calls hoping they have answers for me).

I think things will calm down in two weeks. I'll let you know what happens then.

New Goals

After watching repeated episodes of Those-Who-Live-Wealthy-Lives while I walked on a treadmill at a low-budget gym, I decided to set new goals for myself. The first is that I will make six figures. It doesn't have to be for forever, but I want to taste it...and then go back down to 90,000 ;). The second is to live in a metropolis: New York, Chicago, or Miami will do. Other cities may apply for consideration. After watching an episode of house-hunters international, I'm also considering living in Singapore for a short time. It looks like fun.

A few posts ago, I wanted to be a graphic designer. That has changed. I'm learning that (LiFe LeSsOn #1) sometimes one "brilliant idea" is actually a segue to something else. Design (which I still admire and read about) got me into an art class, which put me in a non-profit.  Now I'm fascinated with how arts organizations work, and it looks like life is leading me down the path of arts administration. That's my understanding, anyway. It was on my potential careers list a few years ago and has now cropped up again. I'm ready to give it a shot this time. Go the distance and all that rah-rah. Art will be in my life and that's all I care about. Also, (LiFe LeSsOn #2) I'm learning that it's not a bad thing to jump off the cliff into a deep challenge (go to art school to live an artsy life), but it's also not a bad thing to use the skills you have (snazzy phone answering capabilities) and ease yourself down into the life you want. You get to a happy ending either way. This leads to me another conclusion (LiFe LeSsOn #3): necessity (cash & already acquired skills) and opportunity tend to lead you to your career more than your concentrated efforts do. I believe there's a saying, "Life is what happens when you're making other plans." True story.

My work at the front desk of the massage & wellness center has made me an admin assistant machine. Most notably, I can effectively BS my way through a phone call. Accomplishment? I think so.

I Can't Draw on the Run

I have trouble drawing when I'm not sitting in my "drawing space." I like to sit at my desk, with my board and supplies "just so," and with low distraction for a few hours. How much time do I have to do this? Not a whole lot. My teacher encourages me to carry a sketchbook, and the books I read encourage me to carry a sketchbook. Yet I can't sketch on a bus or while I'm waiting somewhere. I am too distracted and unable to focus. I'm thinking about buying a book actually made for drawing (instead of using a lined notebook) with the thinking that maybe I can trick my brain into bringing my mental drawing space with me.

Drive Makes Us "Do-er" Squirrels?

You may remember from my post on shape-shifters, diggers, and do-ers that I was complaining about being a shape-shifter. Well, I found a new drive (drawing) and it is motivating me to improve other areas of my life, too. So there you have it - the key to achieving your dreams and becoming a happy human being: find something that motivates you, preferably an activity you are terrible at. The worse the better.

Success for the Talentless!

I have a theory that people who do not have a particular talent for a skill - but like it anyway - are more successful at it than those who do have a talent for it. This is because their lack of natural ability drives them to master it. Granted, there are geniuses out there who find their gift and perform amazing feats with it, maybe because they don't know what else they would do. I can say from experience that I've exercised skills for which I had talent, but I ended up leaving them for one reason or another (loss of interest/burn out).

Drawing, though, is something for which I have VERY LITTLE talent, and I find that exciting. I'm hoping my theory proves true for me... :-/

Volunteering...And Then the Heavens Opened Up

I signed up to volunteer at my art studio and when I looked around, I think I heard Seraphim. I tend to romanticize things, but I had a feeling I had found my second home. I was surrounded by art and its creators. I met Peggy The Wednesday Morning Volunteer and she oriented me to everything I'd be doing. Then she gabbed to me about the different classes and a book she was reading on Sargent's Madame X.

After my orientation, I explored the library. It was like a dream. It was a small room, but there were so many books on art. I could have gotten lost in there if hunger didn't help me find the exit sign. Before that happened, though, I searched for design. Alas, the closest I came was the photography and critical theory sections.

I was about to leave when I saw a book on illustrators' sketchbooks. I flipped through it and came across work by Melanie Ford Wilson and and Kurt Hollomon. Again, I know I romanticize but when I looked at them, I had a similar feeling as the one I had toward the FastCompany magazine...I couldn't take my eyes off of them. However, with the magazine, I experienced awe and desire. This time, it was awe, desire, and probability...I had the feeling I could produce something like this. Except it would be Amy-fied, of course. Illustration felt natural and organic to me. I'd never thought of myself as an illustrator until that moment.

It's still early in the game, though. There's also a good chance I may do both design and illustration like many artists do. One notable thing came out of this experience: I was faced with some complex emotions (from other life things) when I arrived home and - instead of writing for once - I decided to draw. So begins my pictoral journal...

Below are the images that inspired me today. I can't figure out how to rotate some of them so I apologize for the upcoming crooks in your neck.

Some of you are super tech-savvy and probably figured this out already, but if you click on the images, they will appear larger! This is exciting!

Graphic Design

For the past few weeks, I've been thirsty for graphic design. I traveled to different libraries all over town - public libraries and community college libraries - checking out books on the subject. I've been reading about everything I could get my hands on. It started with FastCompany Magazine. A coworker brought it in, and I couldn't stop thinking about it for days. Then I stole it (is it really stealing if said coworker left it sitting in the staff room as though it had been forgotten?).

Anyway, I read it and stared at it. I took in as much visual information as I could hold. I did this for a couple days and then headed out to the libraries. I combed through books on art, architecture, technology, and media. I checked out anything that had to do with graphic design. I was enamored with typology and color, learning about visual hierarchy and white space, and studying what made design work.

This is what led me to take an art class in all honesty. They say that drawing is the foundation of all art and it makes sense - it's pretty hard to design if you can't draw. Ever since, I've been researching schools that have design programs and figuring out the best path to take. The best path comes in the form of another undergrad degree.

But I don't care. I'll go to college again. This is something I want to learn.

It's Hot Again

If 100+ temperatures were a crime, Tucson would be a felon. It's averaging 104 this week with a 108 spike on Friday. I've realized that if I'm not out of my house by 5:15 AM, any chance of decent exercise is gone for 14 hours. Unless I go to the mall just to walk around...which I do.

My diet has also changed because my body is desperate for water. I add lemon to my water now to replace electrolytes and eat celery for salt. I also crave vegetables like crazy...and they are taking up 2/3 or my daily food intake.  This is great in terms of healthy eating, but my refrigerator empties more quickly now. Instead of going to the store twice a week, for instance, I now need to go 3-4 times a week (I can only carry so much in my backpack). Is it really worth the extra effort? My time/money accountants are still working on that one. 

I don't care much for the heat, to be honest. I envy people who head north into the mountains for the summer. The worst part is, it's June 4th and this is only the beginning :-P.

Encouragement Can Lead To Inflation

When you talk to someone who shares in your excitement and does nothing but encourage you and offers links to your path, it does nothing but inflate your idealistic perception of reality. It's turned me into the figurative bride who walks into the most expensive part of the wedding dress shop.

The Bold Sockist

I have a new guilty pleasure: wearing patterned socks that do not match the rest of my outfit. They come in bright, ObNoXiOuS  colors that really don't maTch anything except other bright,  ObNoXiOuS  colors. This is a step in my new direction of 

Self-Manifestation.

Rise Up Cows!

This quote is from an essay by Paul Graham (a computer programmer), "The Other Road Ahead":

E. B. White was amused to learn from a farmer friend that many electrified fences don't have any current running through them. The cows apparently learn to stay away from them, and after that you don't need the current. "Rise up, cows!" he wrote, "Take your liberty while despots snore!"

If you're a hacker who has thought of one day starting a startup, there are probably two things keeping you from doing it. One is that you don't know anything about business. The other is that you're afraid of competition. Neither of these fences have any current in them.

I'm not thinking of starting a startup, but I thought the quote was applicable to anything. And also amusing.

My Creativity Needs Ideas

Just watched the Weezy Waiter on Youtube. People are creative. Here I am thinking about going back to school when I should just be creative. Damn. Shoot. 

Baby "Masters"

Two weekends ago was graduation...all over the country. I was so excited for everyone who finished high school, college, and graduate school. The feelings of renewal and freedom were contagious!

However, I was surprised by the number of people who were younger than me (or even my age) and graduated with Master's degrees. These people have been in school almost their entire lives and now they have advanced degrees? With most of their experience embedded in the world of theory, what knowledge do they have of how the world actually works? They have all this knowledge in their field, but I'm willing to bet they have little concept of how to implement it.

My belief is that implementation requires knowledge of people and how to communicate with them. Being in the working world teaches you that you can't just perform tasks - you have to navigate through systems and negotiate with people to get something done. A teacher can't simply "teach" a student how to read and a chemical researcher can't just "perform experiments." What if someone doesn't want to learn or the head of your lab won't buy the equipment you need? You have to understand the point of view of the people you're working with and know how to align it with yours. School teaches you to perform a task and rewards you for getting done. It doesn't teach you the steps in the middle that happen in the real world.

This is where I have a problem with people getting advanced degrees before they've worked and it's why these "baby masters," as I call them, appear so ill-equipped in my mind. It makes sense to me to go to college, work, and then get a graduate degree. You come in with an understanding of the practical work and can therefore ask questions and learn how the knowledge you're receiving applies. I happened to be looking at some schools, in fact, and saw that their programs require students to have a few years of working experience before they can apply. Many business schools are like this, but I think it should be required for others as well.

I will grant that in some situations, you need to keep going to school in order to get into the practical experience. Medicine and information studies are two examples. Engineering and architecture are also fields where this may apply, but I've noticed that these programs incorporate co-op experiences (work-study) into the degrees...which is fantastic.

So on one hand, I'm excited for everyone graduating and dispersing their knowledge and energy into the world. On the other hand, it only reminds me how much improvement our education system needs.

We Hate The Stick

We have to use this shish-kabab skewer to measure the proportions of objects we draw. As the two other women at my table and I tried to replicate on our papers three different oddly-shaped, painted bottles, we realized that we didn't like the stick. You have to mark and count and estimate and involve math. We'd rather just draw what we see with our eye - even if the neck ends up twice as long as the body in our renderings. Paul told us to embrace the frustration, because it means our work will improve. In terms of my artistic aspirations, I guess my desire to break the stick into tiny piece shows progress?

Me and My Portfolio

I bought a professional portfolio to haul around my drawings in the elements and it came with a sense of confidence I didn't anticipate. All of sudden, I felt like a real artist...for no good reason. On one hand, I felt like I was becoming one those Amys I always wanted to be. Artists are some of the coolest people, in my opinion, and I admire their visual thinking - where I see words, they see pen strokes. On the other hand, I felt like a poser - albeit a badass artistic poser! My portfolio was empty - I had only just bought it - but I was ok to ride the facade for one night.

From The Drawing Room

I'm taking a drawing class this summer and I'm very excited about it. I took art in college and high school and while I was ok at it, it wasn't an area where I excelled. Once again, though, I have the need to express with my hands so I'm giving it another try.

My teacher, Paul, spent half of his education and career in the biological science field and is now a full-time working artist and teacher. If he emphasized anything in this first class, it was the misuse of the word, "talent." "People look at someone else's work that they think is better than theirs and say, 'Oh, they must have more talent than I have,'" he said. "That isn't true - they've just drawn more. If you look up "art" in your wishy-washy Webster's dictionary, you'll notice at the end of the definition it says 'see skill.' Art is a skill, not a talent, and anyone can learn it." He shared a story about how he took a semester of "fun" classes in college, and one of them was drawing. While he was taking drawing, his teacher told him that he should consider doing something else. "I don't know if the old goat is still alive - that was forty years ago - but I'll hold my work up to his any day. He was working under the assumption you had to have 'talent' to be a good artist. ...I learned nothing in his class." 

Here's one of Paul's paintings that I really like: http://paulmohr.net/painting_album/pages/paint_april.html

As the students went around the room to introduce themselves, I learned that many of them were painters who wanted to get the foundations of drawing that they missed along the way. One did quilting and other crafts. Another actually had a degree in art, but lost her connection to it when "life took her in other directions." We had an extroverted teacher in our midst, too, who wanted to know everyone's name and introduce us all to each other. It was funny. All the students were women and everyone except me was over forty. If there was one thing we had in common, though, it was that we all wanted to see. Some used the phrase "gain perspective." 

Paul then told us a story about one of his students whose mother was a professional painter. The student inherited one of her mom's paintings and hung it in her room. She loved looking at it every day - it was the first thing she saw when she woke up and the last thing she saw before she went to sleep. She said that after she took Paul's class, she finally understood how her mother made it and how she made it so beautiful. That insight is what we all wanted. 

I did do some drawing that first day, but it was awful. The class ends in July and I'll post my work then...after it has improved and doesn't embarrass me so much.