Last year taught me that if you decide to do something and start moving to make it happen, doors will open. Our wedding put me behind in figuring out goals for this year, but I've finally come up with a few.
My first goal is to expand our dance coaching opportunities. We love our coach Artem and we want to keep him as our main teacher. However, we also want to start networking and building relationships with teachers who train champions, specifically senior champions. Moreover, we want to learn the WDSF style of dancing, which is mostly danced in Europe. So I've started reaching out senior level champions and asking them about their teachers. Facebook is surprisingly helpful when it comes to this. I messaged the current world champion in Germany and she responded right away. After searching her teachers, I found out one of them is organizing a camp in Germany in October with several high level teachers attending. At first, I wasn't sure if we could afford a trip over there, but we discovered a Norwegian airline that sells tickets for about $500. This trip was looking like it could happen.
My second goal is start a vlog. I want to create videos about our adventures and dance lives. I plan to put the first one out in June.
My third goal is to begin changing careers. I don't like my job and I hate going to work every day. I have many great colleagues, but I feel like my abilities are not being utilized in the way that is most effective. And it makes the little annoyances feel unbearable. However, changing careers without disrupting the rest of your life is hard. I ultimately want a different community, more creativity, and more freedom. I also *like* learning about business and accounting and I miss that drive that makes me feel like I'm building something. I don't know how I'm going to pull this off or what I want to do exactly, but I have to make it happen.
Showing posts with label Journey. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Journey. Show all posts
Sunday, April 21, 2019
Friday, October 5, 2018
Our engagement photo adventure
Originally, I thought
Ibrahim and I would have dance engagement photos, because it best represents who we are as a couple.
However, as I looked for wedding photographers, I found work done in Sedona and
at the Grand Canyon. The images were dramatic and I fell in love with many
of them. Since our wedding would be local (and part of me longed for a destination wedding), I decided to do some destination engagement photos and chose Horseshoe Bend (part of the Grand Canyon) as the location. I also wanted to use the opportunity to see northern Arizona and cross Sedona and Antelope
Canyon off my bucket list.
In terms of my image for the photos, I already knew what I wanted. It took me weeks to find the dress I envisioned, and then
several more weeks to find shoes, jewelry, and to help Ibrahim find a
complimentary outfit. I arranged for my hair and makeup to be done
professionally so that I wouldn't have to worry about it. At the last minute, I
bought a second dress because Ibrahim wanted two outfits and thought a change
in color would give a nice variety. It turned out to
be a good idea.
After weeks of planning and probably too much spending on my part, we drove north last weekend. Honestly, I didn't
know if things would come together. I put a lot of time, money, and energy into
this experience (because "awesome" doesn't just happen) and I wanted
our photos to be really good. I feared they would turn out mediocre and that
the trip in general would be a disappointment. I was worried that I went too far,
and that I was chasing images of magazine quality that just weren't going to
happen with our resources. I also felt guilty...like I was dragging Ibrahim
through some kind of circus for my own selfish desires. But we were on our way
and there was nothing else we could do now.
The morning of the shoot was calm and the afternoon was hectic (for me). Our schedule was as follows:
8:00 am Antelope Canyon tour
10:00 Amy starts getting ready/Ibrahim gets breakfast
12:00 Amy goes to hair appointment
1:00 Amy and Ibrahim look for flowers, don't find any, and drive back to the house so Amy can continue getting ready
2:00 Amy has makeup appointment at the house/Ibrahim gets ready
4:30 Amy and Ibrahim meet photographers
The only thing that didn't go well was my right eye, which watered the entire time the makeup artist worked on my face and throughout the
photo shoot. So for four hours. I was worried my foundation would be blotchy
and black mascara streaks would be
running down my face. Our photographers reassured me that the issue
didn't show up on camera, and if it did, they would edit it.
The photo shoot itself was a lot of fun. I wish I could have
my picture taken all the time! The sunset at Horseshoe Bend was beautiful; the
colors of the canyon changed from orange to red to purple and blue. It's really
no surprise that there are so many photos taken there. Our photographers were
great, fun people as well. We all laughed a lot. They told us we did an awesome
job and some of the shots they got were "really good." I wanted to believe them, but I was (and am) still a little skeptical. Ibrahim and I also did our clothing change right there at the
canyon, out in the open in front of the tourists. But I later realized that
most of the tourists were Asian or European, and they didn't care about people changing. The whole thing felt like an adventure, and I walked
away feeling really glad we did it. Also, after seeing Sedona and Page, I was glad we chose Tucson as our wedding location. Sedona was beautiful, but it wasn't home.
Now, I'm excitedly and nervously waiting for the email that
our "sneak peak" is available. They choose about 7-8 photos to show
you and then the rest come later. I'm hoping my face, hair, dress, our postures,
and everything look ok. I'm really nervous, but also dying from suspense.
Saturday, January 20, 2018
Dancing with Our Stars
At the beginning of the year, I've been in a "let's make things happen" mode. I see my friends and others on social media going out and accomplishing things they want to do. The energy inside of me to do the same has been building. Instead of thinking and wondering, I ask, "how do I make this happen?" Then I reach out to people. One of my goals is already underway to being checked off: dancing at a charity event.
While I had a couple charity events in mind, there was one where I really wanted to do this: Dancing with Our Stars. It's an event for the Diaper Bank of Southern Arizona. Tucson community members ("Stars") are paired with professional instructors and compete for the mirror ball at a gala event (like the tv show). There's a lot of publicity around it (tv, radio, magazine articles) and the event itself is pretty large. They expect over 400 people to attend every year. Last year, I saw professionals at my studio participating and wanted to attend. But then I was hit with the price: $175 per ticket. No way could I afford that.
This year, I decided to put myself out there and ask the Diaper Bank if I could participate as an exhibition dancer. I thought maybe I could get in for free as a dancer "donating" my time as entertainment. Nope. I discovered that Stars who participate in the competition have to sponsor a table for $1750. Many people buy a table or have their companies sponsor it and then sell the tickets. If you want to do a performance-only piece and not compete, you have to pay $2000. If I thought $175 was out of my budget, this was out of my league entirely.
In telling me all this, the event coordinator said she was looking for more "Stars" to perform. I told her I wasn't interested, but I did nominate one of the doctors I work for, Dr. Gilbertson. She went to the event last year and expressed that she wanted to participate. In the meantime, the organizer asked if I could help with the event night itself. That way I could be there at least and see the show. I agreed.
Dr. Gilbertson hesitated for a few days, but eventually agreed to be a Star. She managed to find sponsors both in our department and at her husband's practice. She was very excited about it. I was excited for her, too. I knew she would have a good time performing. The week this was all happening, Dr. Gilbertson had a birthday party. Other doctors were chatting about it and one of them - Dr. Becker - asked me if I was participating. "Oh no," I said. "You have to sponsor a table in order to participate." "Oh we can do that for you," she responded immediately. I was caught off guard. We talked about it a bit more and she said she could find people interested in going. Ibrahim was skeptical about this. "Make sure this isn't drunk party talk," he joked. I sent her an email with the details and the next week confirmed she was still willing to help with this. And so I was in.
I'm still in disbelief somewhat. I had this huge obstacle in front of me ($2000 to pay for a 2 minute dance performance) and now it is gone. We're performing! In front of 400 people!
While I had a couple charity events in mind, there was one where I really wanted to do this: Dancing with Our Stars. It's an event for the Diaper Bank of Southern Arizona. Tucson community members ("Stars") are paired with professional instructors and compete for the mirror ball at a gala event (like the tv show). There's a lot of publicity around it (tv, radio, magazine articles) and the event itself is pretty large. They expect over 400 people to attend every year. Last year, I saw professionals at my studio participating and wanted to attend. But then I was hit with the price: $175 per ticket. No way could I afford that.
This year, I decided to put myself out there and ask the Diaper Bank if I could participate as an exhibition dancer. I thought maybe I could get in for free as a dancer "donating" my time as entertainment. Nope. I discovered that Stars who participate in the competition have to sponsor a table for $1750. Many people buy a table or have their companies sponsor it and then sell the tickets. If you want to do a performance-only piece and not compete, you have to pay $2000. If I thought $175 was out of my budget, this was out of my league entirely.
In telling me all this, the event coordinator said she was looking for more "Stars" to perform. I told her I wasn't interested, but I did nominate one of the doctors I work for, Dr. Gilbertson. She went to the event last year and expressed that she wanted to participate. In the meantime, the organizer asked if I could help with the event night itself. That way I could be there at least and see the show. I agreed.
Dr. Gilbertson hesitated for a few days, but eventually agreed to be a Star. She managed to find sponsors both in our department and at her husband's practice. She was very excited about it. I was excited for her, too. I knew she would have a good time performing. The week this was all happening, Dr. Gilbertson had a birthday party. Other doctors were chatting about it and one of them - Dr. Becker - asked me if I was participating. "Oh no," I said. "You have to sponsor a table in order to participate." "Oh we can do that for you," she responded immediately. I was caught off guard. We talked about it a bit more and she said she could find people interested in going. Ibrahim was skeptical about this. "Make sure this isn't drunk party talk," he joked. I sent her an email with the details and the next week confirmed she was still willing to help with this. And so I was in.
I'm still in disbelief somewhat. I had this huge obstacle in front of me ($2000 to pay for a 2 minute dance performance) and now it is gone. We're performing! In front of 400 people!
Sunday, December 31, 2017
Yearly Review: 2017 to 2018
Wow! What a year! As usual, let's look at my goals from last year and compare to what actually happened:
Goals for 2017
1) Front splits and side splits. (Stretch goal) - Nope. This did not happen.
2) Make rondes (RON-days) that are level with my head when I kick them in my routines. Neither did this, but I need to work on it.
3) Semi-final in SOMETHING at NDCA nationals this year. (Stretch goal). We only made it as far as quarter final in novice standard; round three for pre-champ standard and novice latin, and round one for pre-champ latin.
4) Do four dance competitions (big, small, medium, whatever). Yes: People's Choice, Galaxy, Chicago Dancesport Challenge, and Devil Dancesport Invitational.
5) Dance a latin and standard routine that I'm not ashamed to post on facebook/youtube. I think I posted a latin routine from a showcase, but unfortunately, that's the only one I liked. Everything else I've danced has been painful to watch. For standard, I'm more willing to post those videos. I'm also looking forward to more videos, because I think my posture has improved by a few miles since my last competition.
6) Successfully rhinestone a standard and latin dress. Meaning, they don't look bad. Yeah, I think this one was accomplished :).
7) Design a practice dress and sew it. (Stretch goal) Ha. No way. The sewing dream has been left behind. I still have my singer (and I still love it), but I just don't have time to learn to sew. I can give it maybe a few hours on the weekend.
8) Make friends at dance competitions. Yes!!! I've made lots of new friends and it's been SO fun!!
Additional thoughts: I think this is the first year I've had solid goals that I believe are attainable. A few of them are "stretch goals" that may be a little ambitious, but they aren't impossible. My only professional goal this year is to not get fired. I need my job to support my dancing habit. I'm pretty excited about 2017. I'm hoping to be in a place I don't expect (in a good way) by this time next year.
I definitely ended up in a place I didn't expect: engaged!
My professional goal at the UA for this year is to, again, not get fired.
Plans and goals for 2018 and 2019
Ibrahim and I have already been looking ahead. He will be teaching three courses in the fall (max load), so that he can take off for the spring of 2019. A friend/colleague of his in England is organizing some kind of semester-long project. If Ibrahim can get funding, he'll make a few trips over there. If he can't, he'll work from home. He's also hoping to get some of his own research done during that time and publish some papers. So fall 2018 is going to be extremely busy for him and we probably won't be competing much. We'll already have two weddings to attend - one being our own. Also, since he has something going on in England in 2019 anyway, we're planning to compete at Blackpool that year. I am not anticipating anything miraculous, but we want to make our first attempt then. Our goal is to go twice before we're designated to senior division.
2018 Goals
1) Final at Nationals in novice standard, both NDCA and USA Dance. We've already pointed out of novice standard in USA Dance, so we're hoping to final. Either way, we have to move up.
2) Achieve more muscular definition. I've been working out at home and slowly building my home gym (which I love!) I really like all the workout "toys": dumbbells, kettlebells, resistance bands, balls, plyo boxes, etc. I enjoy strength training, especially the kind that involves more intricate coordination (combination moves). However, I feel like I've been working out and I still look like a marshmallow. I'm hoping to change that this year.
3) Perform at a charity/fundraising event. We have various charity events in Tucson and I would like to perform at one of them. A lot of professionals will do performances to get students, but I just want to put on a show! Ibrahim and I are at a level where we look like professionals to the laypeople, so I think we could pull off an entertaining performance :).
4) Get married. This seems like a non-fail goal, but I swear...the planning is so hard for me. Every time I think I have a plan, guest list, venue, date, or schedule, things change. I'm hoping things will come together.
5) Get a professional portrait taken. I would just really like one of these. I've been looking for a photographer who I think would capture the mood/image I want.
6) Make more dance friends. I feel like I can't have enough of these.
Main take-away from 2017 and hope for 2018
The message that stayed with me for half of 2017 was to really appreciate life and put myself out there to meet people. This year - as you know - I knew a young man, Nic, who died two months after we met. I knew him for such a short time and yet he left an unforgettable impression on me. He was so open and friendly; just knowing him made me feel good. After he died, I learned that he was like this with everyone and he shared his love of dance with everyone in his community. He was one of the top amateur dancers in the country and there wasn't a haughty bone in his body. I only met Nic because Ibrahim suggested going out with him and his partner; I was too shy otherwise. I nearly missed an opportunity to be graced by his life. Anyway, since his death, I decided I wanted to be like Nic. I wanted to be as open and friendly. I wanted to express love and happiness more and connect with people. Being isolated makes me unhappy, but I'm not always brave enough to step outside my box - what if people think I'm weird or don't like me? Now, I care less. When I think that my life could be taken from me at any day, I want to take advantage and spread light.
My hope for 2018 is to continue the openness and positivity. Of course, I also hope that everyone in my life stays healthy and no tragedy comes upon us. I want to continue the adventures and I'm loving the unexpected, happy surprises that come up - I hope there are more! :)
Happy New Year, everyone!
P.S. For a photo review of 2017, check out my #BestNine2017 on instagram: https://www.instagram.com/p/BdWRS1VgDSy/
Goals for 2017
1) Front splits and side splits. (Stretch goal) - Nope. This did not happen.
2) Make rondes (RON-days) that are level with my head when I kick them in my routines. Neither did this, but I need to work on it.
3) Semi-final in SOMETHING at NDCA nationals this year. (Stretch goal). We only made it as far as quarter final in novice standard; round three for pre-champ standard and novice latin, and round one for pre-champ latin.
4) Do four dance competitions (big, small, medium, whatever). Yes: People's Choice, Galaxy, Chicago Dancesport Challenge, and Devil Dancesport Invitational.
5) Dance a latin and standard routine that I'm not ashamed to post on facebook/youtube. I think I posted a latin routine from a showcase, but unfortunately, that's the only one I liked. Everything else I've danced has been painful to watch. For standard, I'm more willing to post those videos. I'm also looking forward to more videos, because I think my posture has improved by a few miles since my last competition.
6) Successfully rhinestone a standard and latin dress. Meaning, they don't look bad. Yeah, I think this one was accomplished :).
7) Design a practice dress and sew it. (Stretch goal) Ha. No way. The sewing dream has been left behind. I still have my singer (and I still love it), but I just don't have time to learn to sew. I can give it maybe a few hours on the weekend.
8) Make friends at dance competitions. Yes!!! I've made lots of new friends and it's been SO fun!!
Additional thoughts: I think this is the first year I've had solid goals that I believe are attainable. A few of them are "stretch goals" that may be a little ambitious, but they aren't impossible. My only professional goal this year is to not get fired. I need my job to support my dancing habit. I'm pretty excited about 2017. I'm hoping to be in a place I don't expect (in a good way) by this time next year.
I definitely ended up in a place I didn't expect: engaged!
My professional goal at the UA for this year is to, again, not get fired.
Plans and goals for 2018 and 2019
Ibrahim and I have already been looking ahead. He will be teaching three courses in the fall (max load), so that he can take off for the spring of 2019. A friend/colleague of his in England is organizing some kind of semester-long project. If Ibrahim can get funding, he'll make a few trips over there. If he can't, he'll work from home. He's also hoping to get some of his own research done during that time and publish some papers. So fall 2018 is going to be extremely busy for him and we probably won't be competing much. We'll already have two weddings to attend - one being our own. Also, since he has something going on in England in 2019 anyway, we're planning to compete at Blackpool that year. I am not anticipating anything miraculous, but we want to make our first attempt then. Our goal is to go twice before we're designated to senior division.
2018 Goals
1) Final at Nationals in novice standard, both NDCA and USA Dance. We've already pointed out of novice standard in USA Dance, so we're hoping to final. Either way, we have to move up.
2) Achieve more muscular definition. I've been working out at home and slowly building my home gym (which I love!) I really like all the workout "toys": dumbbells, kettlebells, resistance bands, balls, plyo boxes, etc. I enjoy strength training, especially the kind that involves more intricate coordination (combination moves). However, I feel like I've been working out and I still look like a marshmallow. I'm hoping to change that this year.
3) Perform at a charity/fundraising event. We have various charity events in Tucson and I would like to perform at one of them. A lot of professionals will do performances to get students, but I just want to put on a show! Ibrahim and I are at a level where we look like professionals to the laypeople, so I think we could pull off an entertaining performance :).
4) Get married. This seems like a non-fail goal, but I swear...the planning is so hard for me. Every time I think I have a plan, guest list, venue, date, or schedule, things change. I'm hoping things will come together.
5) Get a professional portrait taken. I would just really like one of these. I've been looking for a photographer who I think would capture the mood/image I want.
6) Make more dance friends. I feel like I can't have enough of these.
Main take-away from 2017 and hope for 2018
The message that stayed with me for half of 2017 was to really appreciate life and put myself out there to meet people. This year - as you know - I knew a young man, Nic, who died two months after we met. I knew him for such a short time and yet he left an unforgettable impression on me. He was so open and friendly; just knowing him made me feel good. After he died, I learned that he was like this with everyone and he shared his love of dance with everyone in his community. He was one of the top amateur dancers in the country and there wasn't a haughty bone in his body. I only met Nic because Ibrahim suggested going out with him and his partner; I was too shy otherwise. I nearly missed an opportunity to be graced by his life. Anyway, since his death, I decided I wanted to be like Nic. I wanted to be as open and friendly. I wanted to express love and happiness more and connect with people. Being isolated makes me unhappy, but I'm not always brave enough to step outside my box - what if people think I'm weird or don't like me? Now, I care less. When I think that my life could be taken from me at any day, I want to take advantage and spread light.
My hope for 2018 is to continue the openness and positivity. Of course, I also hope that everyone in my life stays healthy and no tragedy comes upon us. I want to continue the adventures and I'm loving the unexpected, happy surprises that come up - I hope there are more! :)
Happy New Year, everyone!
P.S. For a photo review of 2017, check out my #BestNine2017 on instagram: https://www.instagram.com/p/BdWRS1VgDSy/
Sunday, November 5, 2017
I want to quit my job
I want to quit my job. I am dissatisfied with my work. I thought maybe if I have something outside of work that fulfills me, having a "pay the bills" job is fine. For about a year, it was. However, things for me have changed. I'm starting to feel irritated with/intolerant of things that never really bothered me before: my pay, my work hours, the way one or two people treat me, the trainings and meetings I'm expected to attend, my new responsibilities, etc. In fact, sometimes I don't want to do anything and get annoyed when people ask me to complete various tasks. However, I keep my emotions in check and do what I need to do. I know it's not my work - it's me.
The truth is, I don't feel fulfilled with my work. I don't feel like I'm growing in the direction I want. When you are working toward a goal and you're on the path you want to be on, you can put up with all kinds of crap: people taking advantage of you, lousy hours, little to no benefits, and low pay. You deal with it, because in the end it will pay off. On the other hand, if you have everything - good pay, good benefits, flexible hours, great coworkers - but don't feel fulfilled, all these things get on your nerves...probably irrationally. That's where I am right now.
The problem is, I don't know where to go or what would make me feel fulfilled. I've been reading a lot of articles on fulfilling careers and career changes, but nothing has sparked an idea. Or a plausible idea. I just know I want to create things. I've thought about photography, writing, websites, and marketing/advertisement. I've also thought about become a dance teacher...but the pay for that quite low unless you're well-known or have serious business skills (aka not a great teacher, but you can sell).
I don't know what I'm going to do, but I want to figure it out soon. I'm increasingly dreading the days I have to go to work and I'm getting cranky. I need to figure things out before I explode.
The truth is, I don't feel fulfilled with my work. I don't feel like I'm growing in the direction I want. When you are working toward a goal and you're on the path you want to be on, you can put up with all kinds of crap: people taking advantage of you, lousy hours, little to no benefits, and low pay. You deal with it, because in the end it will pay off. On the other hand, if you have everything - good pay, good benefits, flexible hours, great coworkers - but don't feel fulfilled, all these things get on your nerves...probably irrationally. That's where I am right now.
The problem is, I don't know where to go or what would make me feel fulfilled. I've been reading a lot of articles on fulfilling careers and career changes, but nothing has sparked an idea. Or a plausible idea. I just know I want to create things. I've thought about photography, writing, websites, and marketing/advertisement. I've also thought about become a dance teacher...but the pay for that quite low unless you're well-known or have serious business skills (aka not a great teacher, but you can sell).
I don't know what I'm going to do, but I want to figure it out soon. I'm increasingly dreading the days I have to go to work and I'm getting cranky. I need to figure things out before I explode.
Thursday, October 5, 2017
Turning 30
Fair warning: a short reflection on my twenties turned into an essay - so if you read it, you might want to grab a coffee ;).
~~~~
My twenties were something else. They held some of the best moments of my life, including my college graduation; dancing on the Badger Ballroom Dance Team; traveling to Turkey by myself; getting my writing published; vacations with family; and meeting brilliant, bold, hilarious, creative, and crazy people who changed my life.
However, among the bright moments, my twenties also had a running theme of survival. The early years were spent figuring out how to "adult": live with roommates, survive college, cook decent food, not burn my house down, navigate the professional world, pay bills, avoid Madison city parking police, and find that ever-elusive Life Direction. Life definitely challenged me. But at the age of 24, I kicked up the intensity. I moved across the country to Tucson - a place I’d never been, where I didn’t have a job or home lined up, and where I only kind of knew one person. I packed two suitcases and bought a one-way plane ticket. When I tell people this, many say, “That took guts,” or “That was brave." I usually respond, "Yeah...or dumb." There's a fine line, really. At the time, I was intoxicated with two things: leaving Wisconsin and ballroom dancing. I felt suffocated by familiarity and needed a change of pace, and I was pursuing something specific: Tucson had a teacher from whom I wanted to learn. So I left. The downside was that I didn't have a good plan. Our country was still climbing out of the recession and I barely had an employment history. Some people do this and hit the ground running. My landing wasn't bad, but it turned into a quicksand situation. After several months of trying to make it, things weren’t working out and I went through some tough shit. I became too broke to move anywhere else and had too much pride to return home or ask for help. I was fortunate to find good people to provide a roof over my head. One household even "adopted" me as a family member, which was wonderful and made holidays easier. However, I rarely talked about the reality of my life to anyone: how I was surviving on food stamps, how I nearly ended up at the Salvation Army (and instead lived across the street from it), and how my days were mostly just working to exist. Frankly, I was ashamed of what I had become and of what I was going through. More than this, though, I was ashamed of my naiveté. I tried to follow a passion/dream/fantasy and I failed horribly.
As I struggled to rebuild my life, I went through some dark periods of depression and/or fear, as well. Some are still too sensitive to share the details and with one in particular, I didn’t know if I would make it out the other side. At one point, I found myself in a situation I never thought I'd face, and - feeling the most distressed and hopeless I’d ever felt in my life - I admit I contemplated all the options. More than once it seemed my life was saved by an act of God/the Universe/whatever you want to call it, and I am grateful. I moved through these periods with the amazing help of others (particularly Kristen Mae), became a stronger person, and today I am fierce about protecting the healthcare, safety, and mental well-being of women.
During the healing process of these times, I also severed pieces of my former identity and sense of self. Emotionally, I felt like I was cutting off limbs of my body, pieces that once made me who I was. However, I recognized those limbs no longer served me; I had changed. But as the wounds healed, new limbs began to grow and I felt a new sense of personal empowerment and authenticity. I had a habit of yielding to others and giving them more control than I should have. But now I was taking a firmer grip on the reigns of my life and directing it in a way true to me.
Meanwhile, dancing was completely out of the question and I resented it for a while. I believed this childish dream and self-indulgent passion ruined my life, so I tried to suffocate it. It kind of worked. I spent most of my Tucson years working to pay bills and buy groceries, keeping myself occupied with inexpensive/free activities here and there, and hoping to live better one day…which was happening slowly. Even though I found wonderful company – people whom I love for bringing me joy and showing me kindness - I still felt an internal emptiness. Deep down, I spent four years feeling like a failure and wondering if my move was nothing but a detrimental mistake; years of my life wasted. I had wanted to be something…and I was nothing.
But things changed last year. I received a promotion at work and nearly cried when they told me my salary - I could afford a real life. Several people encouraged me to try dancing again and while it took some convincing, I decided to give it a shot. I emailed the only international style dancer I knew, someone I met years ago. I asked if he could recommend a few local teachers. By the next day, he had given me a thorough reply and – by the way – his partner had just moved to California, so he was looking for a one. My first day back on the floor was a try out - GAH. I was so nervous and my dancing was rusty and awkward. But it didn't matter in the end. When I left the studio, I felt that internal emptiness fill with light. I experienced a deep sense of happiness that I hadn’t felt for a long time.
Since then, every part of my life seems to have opened and grown: my dance knowledge and opportunities, my circle of friends, creative projects, my health, travel, and I found a funny and wonderful partner for life (and all the science experiments and lectures that come with him). I finally feel what it is like to flourish and not just survive. Tomorrow I turn 30, and I’m looking forward to it. I made it, everyone, and I’m glad to leave those intense coming-of-age years behind. I sincerely thank all of you - my family and friends - who have been with me along the way.
I don’t expect the next decade to be void of pain and setbacks, but my hope is that it will be one of living more fully than before – with more laughter, confidence, creativity, drive, community, and, of course, dancing.
Photo credit: While I only train in ballroom these days, I've danced other styles in the past and I simply love to move. Many, many thanks to Ed Flores for catching my dancing soul on film.
~~~~
My twenties were something else. They held some of the best moments of my life, including my college graduation; dancing on the Badger Ballroom Dance Team; traveling to Turkey by myself; getting my writing published; vacations with family; and meeting brilliant, bold, hilarious, creative, and crazy people who changed my life.
However, among the bright moments, my twenties also had a running theme of survival. The early years were spent figuring out how to "adult": live with roommates, survive college, cook decent food, not burn my house down, navigate the professional world, pay bills, avoid Madison city parking police, and find that ever-elusive Life Direction. Life definitely challenged me. But at the age of 24, I kicked up the intensity. I moved across the country to Tucson - a place I’d never been, where I didn’t have a job or home lined up, and where I only kind of knew one person. I packed two suitcases and bought a one-way plane ticket. When I tell people this, many say, “That took guts,” or “That was brave." I usually respond, "Yeah...or dumb." There's a fine line, really. At the time, I was intoxicated with two things: leaving Wisconsin and ballroom dancing. I felt suffocated by familiarity and needed a change of pace, and I was pursuing something specific: Tucson had a teacher from whom I wanted to learn. So I left. The downside was that I didn't have a good plan. Our country was still climbing out of the recession and I barely had an employment history. Some people do this and hit the ground running. My landing wasn't bad, but it turned into a quicksand situation. After several months of trying to make it, things weren’t working out and I went through some tough shit. I became too broke to move anywhere else and had too much pride to return home or ask for help. I was fortunate to find good people to provide a roof over my head. One household even "adopted" me as a family member, which was wonderful and made holidays easier. However, I rarely talked about the reality of my life to anyone: how I was surviving on food stamps, how I nearly ended up at the Salvation Army (and instead lived across the street from it), and how my days were mostly just working to exist. Frankly, I was ashamed of what I had become and of what I was going through. More than this, though, I was ashamed of my naiveté. I tried to follow a passion/dream/fantasy and I failed horribly.
As I struggled to rebuild my life, I went through some dark periods of depression and/or fear, as well. Some are still too sensitive to share the details and with one in particular, I didn’t know if I would make it out the other side. At one point, I found myself in a situation I never thought I'd face, and - feeling the most distressed and hopeless I’d ever felt in my life - I admit I contemplated all the options. More than once it seemed my life was saved by an act of God/the Universe/whatever you want to call it, and I am grateful. I moved through these periods with the amazing help of others (particularly Kristen Mae), became a stronger person, and today I am fierce about protecting the healthcare, safety, and mental well-being of women.
During the healing process of these times, I also severed pieces of my former identity and sense of self. Emotionally, I felt like I was cutting off limbs of my body, pieces that once made me who I was. However, I recognized those limbs no longer served me; I had changed. But as the wounds healed, new limbs began to grow and I felt a new sense of personal empowerment and authenticity. I had a habit of yielding to others and giving them more control than I should have. But now I was taking a firmer grip on the reigns of my life and directing it in a way true to me.
Meanwhile, dancing was completely out of the question and I resented it for a while. I believed this childish dream and self-indulgent passion ruined my life, so I tried to suffocate it. It kind of worked. I spent most of my Tucson years working to pay bills and buy groceries, keeping myself occupied with inexpensive/free activities here and there, and hoping to live better one day…which was happening slowly. Even though I found wonderful company – people whom I love for bringing me joy and showing me kindness - I still felt an internal emptiness. Deep down, I spent four years feeling like a failure and wondering if my move was nothing but a detrimental mistake; years of my life wasted. I had wanted to be something…and I was nothing.
But things changed last year. I received a promotion at work and nearly cried when they told me my salary - I could afford a real life. Several people encouraged me to try dancing again and while it took some convincing, I decided to give it a shot. I emailed the only international style dancer I knew, someone I met years ago. I asked if he could recommend a few local teachers. By the next day, he had given me a thorough reply and – by the way – his partner had just moved to California, so he was looking for a one. My first day back on the floor was a try out - GAH. I was so nervous and my dancing was rusty and awkward. But it didn't matter in the end. When I left the studio, I felt that internal emptiness fill with light. I experienced a deep sense of happiness that I hadn’t felt for a long time.
Since then, every part of my life seems to have opened and grown: my dance knowledge and opportunities, my circle of friends, creative projects, my health, travel, and I found a funny and wonderful partner for life (and all the science experiments and lectures that come with him). I finally feel what it is like to flourish and not just survive. Tomorrow I turn 30, and I’m looking forward to it. I made it, everyone, and I’m glad to leave those intense coming-of-age years behind. I sincerely thank all of you - my family and friends - who have been with me along the way.
I don’t expect the next decade to be void of pain and setbacks, but my hope is that it will be one of living more fully than before – with more laughter, confidence, creativity, drive, community, and, of course, dancing.
Photo credit: While I only train in ballroom these days, I've danced other styles in the past and I simply love to move. Many, many thanks to Ed Flores for catching my dancing soul on film.
Flying
Painting
Dreaming
Sunday, July 23, 2017
Engagement
Fourth of July is hot in Arizona. Every year I think it would be great to go out and see fireworks and every year I remember how unappealing it is to sit in 95-100 degree temperatures at 9:30pm. Not only that, but if you go down town, you have to bring chairs and walk a quarter mile from the car to where you want to sit. Ibrahim and I decided to stay home and try to watch fireworks from the roof. We could see a couple shows happening around the city, though all were far away and partially concealed by trees. But we had a comfortable camping pad to sit/lounge on and we could still see some cool explosions. Around 9:45, I started to get tired and said, “Ok, it’s time for bed.” Ibrahim said, “Wait, before we go to bed, you still need to do something.” I was confused…I did laundry, packed my lunch, didn’t leave any of my usual messes around… “Brush my teeth? Take a shower?” I asked. “Put on your slippers,” he said. “Go look at that skylight.” I got up and walked toward it. Now remember, there are some lights from the streets and people’s homes, but it’s still pretty dark. I went to the skylight and saw a black something. It looked like a mouse, but it wasn’t moving. I had no idea what Ibrahim was trying to pull, but I wasn’t getting any closer to it. Ibrahim finally came over, picked it up, and handed it to me. It was a velvet pouch. The next few minutes were a whirlwind. As I opened it and pulled out a heart-shaped ring box, he said, “Even though it is independence day,” Ibrahim asked, “Amy, would you give up your independence and marry me?” Of course I said yes. I couldn’t quite believe it, though. My head was spinning. I felt completely overwhelmed. I wasn’t expecting this. I knew Ibrahim would propose someday, but I thought that would be next year, honestly, in 2018 sometime. I also thought the proposal would be different…maybe more public…or in a different location…like we would take a drive somewhere, have dinner. But proposing here and now…I wasn’t expecting it. I felt unprepared. For the rest of the evening, my mind was in a state of bewilderment, disappointment, and shock. I wasn’t the “happiest person in the world.” Actually, aside from the details of the proposal itself, being engaged suddenly scared me. I had to wear this ring now that would declare my status to everyone. That’s the point, right? To show off? I didn’t want to show off. I didn’t want to wear anything. The fact that my life was changing right now became real to me. Don’t misunderstand…soon after we started dating I figured I would marry Ibrahim. He is a wonderful boyfriend. He does all my dishes and lets me eat his pasta, even after I told him I didn’t want any when he was making it. I love our life together and couldn’t imagine being with anyone else. I saw myself growing old with him. But holding a ring in my hand was kind of daunting. I just became engaged and I was not loving it. What was wrong with me? Back inside, I felt awkward. I didn’t know what to say or feel. I was just confused.
Nevertheless, I carried my ring to work with me in its heart-shaped box and little pouch. I couldn’t wear it yet because it was too big. But I would pull it out when no one else was around and look at it. He bought this for me. Even if I could wear it, I wasn't ready. I just wasn't ready.
We took my ring in to get resized and you could see other couples around picking rings. I felt weird. My ring size, by the way, is 3.5. Ibrahim couldn’t believe it was that small.
Over the next several days, I felt all sorts of things: happy, scared, anxious, excited, worried, bewildered, denial. I even cried once. Ibrahim later told friends that he could see I was in shock: I sort of walked around the house in a daze.
Aside from being engaged, the idea of planning a wedding was WAY more than I could handle. I’d get panic moments at work: What do I do? How much will this cost? Where will it be? Don’t these things have color schemes? Do I have to have bridesmaids? I don’t think I have any good enough friends to be bridesmaids. Wedding became the "W" word and I would freeze up anytime Ibrahim or I mentioned it.
Finally, the following Saturday night, I needed to talk about what was going on and what we were getting ourselves into. Ibrahim and I have talked about things here and since we started dating, but I wanted to nail things down. We had a long conversation about what marriage meant to each of us, our fundamental beliefs, children, and dancing. I wanted to know that we were on the same page, and for anything where we weren’t, how we anticipated dealing with those differences. We also talked about how we could potentially change in the future. In the end, we aligned well on a lot of things. We both wanted a permanent life partner, and we wanted to marry each other because we worked well as a team and we enjoyed being with each other. Personally, I love that Ibrahim allows me to be me, accepts it, and wants to be a part of my life. He has demonstrated that from the beginning – going out of his way just so he can be present in my day-to-day happenings. I also love how he keeps me calm. I tend to worry a lot and he’s always saying, “It’s going to be ok! Don’t worry!”
I felt a lot better after our conversation and was ready to announce our engagement. I wasn't sure whether or not I wanted to tell anyone besides my family. You’re throwing a big chunk of your personal life out into the open, into the wild. Who knows how things will go over?
I think my family was as shocked as I was when I texted them. Maybe a little more. None of them have met Ibrahim. Heather and Christine congratulated me. My dad was brief. My mom couldn't get the message. Eventually I was able to call my mom a few hours later and talk to her. She sounded cautious and skeptical, but was also supportive and positive at the same time. She probably figured there wasn't much for her to say or do. When I called my dad a little later, he admitted he was shocked. Both my mom, my dad, and Brenda (Evan even made a vocal appearance) chatted with Ibrahim for a little while. I think this was everyone’s first real conversation with him. Neither my dad nor Brenda had ever spoken to him before. It seemed to go over alright.
I wasn't going to post any photos of my ring, because I hate it when women do that: show off their hand in any way possible. Of course, though, my mom asked for one, so I made Ibrahim take one with me. We fumbled around for a good shot and finally settled on one that looked Arizona-ish and was in focus. Then I posted it on Facebook. I debated doing this. I wasn't feeling particularly joyful. However, I rationalized that everyone has his/her moment to announce an engagement, and this was mine. Instead of people finding out piecemeal and watering down the experience, I might as well open the floodgates, have my moment, and hope it turned out ok. The response was overwhelming. People were "liking," reacting, and commenting every few seconds. People I haven't talked to in years were congratulating me.
In contrast to my parents, people from our Tucson dance community were excited right away. These people see us on a weekly (sometimes daily) basis and would exclaim, “Congratulations! You guys are so great together!! This is really great news!” It was encouraging. I'm glad it seemed like a good idea to some people besides us.
I told a few coworkers the next day, but let everyone else discover my ring for themselves. I was still getting used to the idea. Now – a few weeks in – I’ve started to forget I have it on. I was pointing out some edits on a letter for a doctor and he said, “Did you get engaged?” I said yes and he responded, “Well, congratulations. I just kept seeing something flashing in my eyes!” Oh…heh.
I feel much more comfortable with the idea of getting married now. I think my family and other people have had time to let the idea settle in, and now everyone is looking forward to a wedding, which still stresses me out. Sometimes I want to say, “Forget it! We’re going to get married by ourselves, plus a couple of witnesses.” But I think I would feel like I missed out if I didn’t have a wedding celebration with my family and friends. I just don’t know what I’m going to do. Everyone says, “You have time, don’t worry.” But you don’t…you need to book a year in advance sometimes. That means decisions need to be made MORE than a year in advance. I also have to figure out how much we can afford to spend. I don’t care about the details of party favors or invitations. I don’t think I’ll even have them. Maybe I’ll get one made for a scrapbook, one made for my mom, and one made for my dad. Done. Everything else is electronic. Facebook invitations. I care mostly about the dance party and having a bunch of people there.
Back to marriage, though…I used to think it was risky marrying someone you knew for a year or less. You needed at least two-three years to know. However, I dated someone for three years and I was skeptical about a future with him for a lot of the time. I wanted us to work, but that was different from having evidence that it would. With Ibrahim, I could see early on that we would work well together. I think a large part of that was because he wanted a future together, and he showed that he wanted it every day. I now believe that when you find the right person – regardless of how long you’ve known each other - you will know he/she is the right person. Then, if you’re at a point in life when marriage makes sense (or if you just want it!), you should go for it. That’s where I am – I’ve finally found my person, my other half – and I’m excited for our adventures to come.
Nevertheless, I carried my ring to work with me in its heart-shaped box and little pouch. I couldn’t wear it yet because it was too big. But I would pull it out when no one else was around and look at it. He bought this for me. Even if I could wear it, I wasn't ready. I just wasn't ready.
We took my ring in to get resized and you could see other couples around picking rings. I felt weird. My ring size, by the way, is 3.5. Ibrahim couldn’t believe it was that small.
Over the next several days, I felt all sorts of things: happy, scared, anxious, excited, worried, bewildered, denial. I even cried once. Ibrahim later told friends that he could see I was in shock: I sort of walked around the house in a daze.
Aside from being engaged, the idea of planning a wedding was WAY more than I could handle. I’d get panic moments at work: What do I do? How much will this cost? Where will it be? Don’t these things have color schemes? Do I have to have bridesmaids? I don’t think I have any good enough friends to be bridesmaids. Wedding became the "W" word and I would freeze up anytime Ibrahim or I mentioned it.
Finally, the following Saturday night, I needed to talk about what was going on and what we were getting ourselves into. Ibrahim and I have talked about things here and since we started dating, but I wanted to nail things down. We had a long conversation about what marriage meant to each of us, our fundamental beliefs, children, and dancing. I wanted to know that we were on the same page, and for anything where we weren’t, how we anticipated dealing with those differences. We also talked about how we could potentially change in the future. In the end, we aligned well on a lot of things. We both wanted a permanent life partner, and we wanted to marry each other because we worked well as a team and we enjoyed being with each other. Personally, I love that Ibrahim allows me to be me, accepts it, and wants to be a part of my life. He has demonstrated that from the beginning – going out of his way just so he can be present in my day-to-day happenings. I also love how he keeps me calm. I tend to worry a lot and he’s always saying, “It’s going to be ok! Don’t worry!”
I felt a lot better after our conversation and was ready to announce our engagement. I wasn't sure whether or not I wanted to tell anyone besides my family. You’re throwing a big chunk of your personal life out into the open, into the wild. Who knows how things will go over?
I think my family was as shocked as I was when I texted them. Maybe a little more. None of them have met Ibrahim. Heather and Christine congratulated me. My dad was brief. My mom couldn't get the message. Eventually I was able to call my mom a few hours later and talk to her. She sounded cautious and skeptical, but was also supportive and positive at the same time. She probably figured there wasn't much for her to say or do. When I called my dad a little later, he admitted he was shocked. Both my mom, my dad, and Brenda (Evan even made a vocal appearance) chatted with Ibrahim for a little while. I think this was everyone’s first real conversation with him. Neither my dad nor Brenda had ever spoken to him before. It seemed to go over alright.
I wasn't going to post any photos of my ring, because I hate it when women do that: show off their hand in any way possible. Of course, though, my mom asked for one, so I made Ibrahim take one with me. We fumbled around for a good shot and finally settled on one that looked Arizona-ish and was in focus. Then I posted it on Facebook. I debated doing this. I wasn't feeling particularly joyful. However, I rationalized that everyone has his/her moment to announce an engagement, and this was mine. Instead of people finding out piecemeal and watering down the experience, I might as well open the floodgates, have my moment, and hope it turned out ok. The response was overwhelming. People were "liking," reacting, and commenting every few seconds. People I haven't talked to in years were congratulating me.
In contrast to my parents, people from our Tucson dance community were excited right away. These people see us on a weekly (sometimes daily) basis and would exclaim, “Congratulations! You guys are so great together!! This is really great news!” It was encouraging. I'm glad it seemed like a good idea to some people besides us.
I told a few coworkers the next day, but let everyone else discover my ring for themselves. I was still getting used to the idea. Now – a few weeks in – I’ve started to forget I have it on. I was pointing out some edits on a letter for a doctor and he said, “Did you get engaged?” I said yes and he responded, “Well, congratulations. I just kept seeing something flashing in my eyes!” Oh…heh.
I feel much more comfortable with the idea of getting married now. I think my family and other people have had time to let the idea settle in, and now everyone is looking forward to a wedding, which still stresses me out. Sometimes I want to say, “Forget it! We’re going to get married by ourselves, plus a couple of witnesses.” But I think I would feel like I missed out if I didn’t have a wedding celebration with my family and friends. I just don’t know what I’m going to do. Everyone says, “You have time, don’t worry.” But you don’t…you need to book a year in advance sometimes. That means decisions need to be made MORE than a year in advance. I also have to figure out how much we can afford to spend. I don’t care about the details of party favors or invitations. I don’t think I’ll even have them. Maybe I’ll get one made for a scrapbook, one made for my mom, and one made for my dad. Done. Everything else is electronic. Facebook invitations. I care mostly about the dance party and having a bunch of people there.
Back to marriage, though…I used to think it was risky marrying someone you knew for a year or less. You needed at least two-three years to know. However, I dated someone for three years and I was skeptical about a future with him for a lot of the time. I wanted us to work, but that was different from having evidence that it would. With Ibrahim, I could see early on that we would work well together. I think a large part of that was because he wanted a future together, and he showed that he wanted it every day. I now believe that when you find the right person – regardless of how long you’ve known each other - you will know he/she is the right person. Then, if you’re at a point in life when marriage makes sense (or if you just want it!), you should go for it. That’s where I am – I’ve finally found my person, my other half – and I’m excited for our adventures to come.
Sunday, January 1, 2017
Year in Review 2016 and Looking to 2017
2016 was interesting. Where I am today is completely unexpected, but wonderful.
2016 goals/what I actually did:
1) Read a newspaper everyday/Read facebook every day.
2) Exercise for 30 minutes every day before work/Exercise anywhere from 0-20 minutes before work. Dance for 1.5-2 hours after work.
3) Study for the GMAT, take an accounting class, start school again/Take dance lessons, begin an interest in sewing dresses and clothing.
4) Deal with a difficult person at work/Turns out she isn't so bad. She's more or less "adopted" me as her child who runs her schedule, fee payments, paperwork, travel, etc. I've learned and continue to learn how she operates and how I can keep people (including myself) out of the "line of fire." But really, she and I get along very well and I appreciate her much more.
I had hoped that my professional life would develop, but instead my hobbies and personal life have expanded/deepened and my life has been very happy this way.
Lessons Learned
I only have one for this year: I can't force the best path for me; I can only take advantage of opportunities as they appear. For me, the path of happiness came in serendipitous situations. I went through several periods of frustration and felt like I was spinning my wheels, both personally and professionally. To fix the situation, I tried to move in any direction I could: go back to school, preoccupy myself with exercise, think of how I could earn more money...just do something. However, none of my attempts to remedy the situation worked. They didn't excite me about my life. What did work? Seemingly out-of-the-blue moments of luck:
1) Someone else was pushing me toward dancing. I finally had the money to start again, so I decided to do it and began contacting people. Voila: I had a partner and coaches almost instantly. It required very little effort on my part.
2) I wanted more friends and people with whom I could do activities and spend time; this came along with dancing.
3) I thought I would start sewing dresses and clothes. I had dinner with Ibrahim's friends and one of them gave me a machine for free. I've also started talking to more people about dressmaking and it's been a lot of fun...expanding my circle and deepening friendships even more.
4) I started a new relationship with someone with whom I share goals and who compliments my personality/life direction/habits very well. This came naturally from other life changes (dancing!)
There is a belief out there that you need to take your life into your own hands and steer it to your liking. This didn't work for me. I was pushing in directions that would have sufficed for a decent life, but I wouldn't have had the spark (joy) I wanted. I think our paths have their own trajectory and while we can influence them, we can't force them to our will. There is an end-goal for our souls that we can't see, and to get there may involve being poor or aimless, hating our jobs, being in a dysfunctional relationship, or otherwise feeling unfulfilled. All we can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other - making the best decisions we can - until our opportunities appear...and then grab on heroically when they come against all logic.
Goals for 2017 - all dance-related
1) Front splits and side splits. (Stretch goal)
2) Make rondes (RON-days) that are level with my head when I kick them in my routines.
3) Semi-final in SOMETHING at NDCA nationals this year. (Stretch goal)
4) Do four dance competitions (big, small, medium, whatever).
5) Dance a latin and standard routine that I'm not ashamed to post on facebook/youtube.
6) Successfully rhinestone a standard and latin dress. Meaning, they don't look bad.
7) Design a practice dress and sew it. (Stretch goal)
8) Make friends at dance competitions.
I think this is the first year I've had solid goals that I believe are attainable. A few of them are "stretch goals" that may be a little ambitious, but they aren't impossible. My only professional goal this year is to not get fired. I need my job to support my dancing habit.
I'm pretty excited about 2017. I'm hoping to be in a place I don't expect (in a good way) by this time next year.
2016 goals/what I actually did:
1) Read a newspaper everyday/Read facebook every day.
2) Exercise for 30 minutes every day before work/Exercise anywhere from 0-20 minutes before work. Dance for 1.5-2 hours after work.
3) Study for the GMAT, take an accounting class, start school again/Take dance lessons, begin an interest in sewing dresses and clothing.
4) Deal with a difficult person at work/Turns out she isn't so bad. She's more or less "adopted" me as her child who runs her schedule, fee payments, paperwork, travel, etc. I've learned and continue to learn how she operates and how I can keep people (including myself) out of the "line of fire." But really, she and I get along very well and I appreciate her much more.
I had hoped that my professional life would develop, but instead my hobbies and personal life have expanded/deepened and my life has been very happy this way.
Lessons Learned
I only have one for this year: I can't force the best path for me; I can only take advantage of opportunities as they appear. For me, the path of happiness came in serendipitous situations. I went through several periods of frustration and felt like I was spinning my wheels, both personally and professionally. To fix the situation, I tried to move in any direction I could: go back to school, preoccupy myself with exercise, think of how I could earn more money...just do something. However, none of my attempts to remedy the situation worked. They didn't excite me about my life. What did work? Seemingly out-of-the-blue moments of luck:
1) Someone else was pushing me toward dancing. I finally had the money to start again, so I decided to do it and began contacting people. Voila: I had a partner and coaches almost instantly. It required very little effort on my part.
2) I wanted more friends and people with whom I could do activities and spend time; this came along with dancing.
3) I thought I would start sewing dresses and clothes. I had dinner with Ibrahim's friends and one of them gave me a machine for free. I've also started talking to more people about dressmaking and it's been a lot of fun...expanding my circle and deepening friendships even more.
4) I started a new relationship with someone with whom I share goals and who compliments my personality/life direction/habits very well. This came naturally from other life changes (dancing!)
There is a belief out there that you need to take your life into your own hands and steer it to your liking. This didn't work for me. I was pushing in directions that would have sufficed for a decent life, but I wouldn't have had the spark (joy) I wanted. I think our paths have their own trajectory and while we can influence them, we can't force them to our will. There is an end-goal for our souls that we can't see, and to get there may involve being poor or aimless, hating our jobs, being in a dysfunctional relationship, or otherwise feeling unfulfilled. All we can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other - making the best decisions we can - until our opportunities appear...and then grab on heroically when they come against all logic.
Goals for 2017 - all dance-related
1) Front splits and side splits. (Stretch goal)
2) Make rondes (RON-days) that are level with my head when I kick them in my routines.
3) Semi-final in SOMETHING at NDCA nationals this year. (Stretch goal)
4) Do four dance competitions (big, small, medium, whatever).
5) Dance a latin and standard routine that I'm not ashamed to post on facebook/youtube.
6) Successfully rhinestone a standard and latin dress. Meaning, they don't look bad.
7) Design a practice dress and sew it. (Stretch goal)
8) Make friends at dance competitions.
I think this is the first year I've had solid goals that I believe are attainable. A few of them are "stretch goals" that may be a little ambitious, but they aren't impossible. My only professional goal this year is to not get fired. I need my job to support my dancing habit.
I'm pretty excited about 2017. I'm hoping to be in a place I don't expect (in a good way) by this time next year.
Sunday, October 9, 2016
Saturn Return
In astrology, a Saturn Return occurs every 28.5 to 30 years in a person's life. This is the point when Saturn comes back to the exact place in the sky where it was when you were born. It marks a period of major life change. The first Saturn Return at 28.5-30 years old signifies the beginning of adulthood. As it was explained to me, the first 28 years or so of a person's life is spent learning to survive, and the next 28-30 years are spent truly living and bringing aspirations to fruition. These are times when people completely change course: they switch careers, move somewhere else, get married, have a child, go back to school, get divorced, a family member or a close friend dies...or sometimes a combination of these things happens. Major life events happen before and after a Saturn Return, but my understanding is that whatever happens during this time period is a significant directional shift. It's a life awakening, a rebirth. However, this time period is tricky. The universe is pushing you in a direction toward your fullest self, but it presents obstacles. The key is to follow what you truly want to do and to go through those obstacles. If you don't - if you do what other people want you to do or what you think you're supposed to do - you spend the next decade or two trying to rectify it.
My Saturn Return technically began April 6th, but it kicked into gear around the end of the month. I was getting ready to take an accounting class when I felt a strong internal pull to begin ballroom dancing again. Interestingly, a coworker I didn't care for was pushing me back into it and I was silently resisting...until I saw a practice room. Looking at the mirrors and floor, a light went on and I couldn't stop thinking about it. I was also in a position where I could afford dancing for the first time in years due to a promotion in early 2016. Time commitment wasn't an issue either, as my boyfriend was working so much that we barely saw each other anyway. I needed a direction in my life and this seemed to be it, and the universe apparently agreed. Within a week, I found a partner, coaches, a practice space, and a plan. I was going to dance again and not only that, I was heading back into competition...something I believed I had given up for good.
Over the course of 4-5 months, my life seemed by changing at lightning speed:
- I started dancing again and found myself the happiest I'd been in years (a deep sort of happiness). At the time I made this decision, it felt very risky. Instead of using my newly attained promotion to go back to school, I was choosing to spend all my extra time and money on dance practice and lessons. Earlier in 2016, I had an astrology reading and my astrologer said that any decisions I made during this coming birthday year will impact the rest of my life. So of course the decision to forgo school and career development caused me anxiety. However, after talking with her again informally, she said the best thing I can do is follow what I desire. So I dropped the accounting class and have not regretted it. I've developed a sense of confidence that things work out in life the way they're supposed to...and I have to say that my quality of life has gone up immensely since I've started dancing. There may, in fact, be opportunities for me in the dance world...ones that would satisfy me (emotionally and financially) more than a career in accounting. Or - even better - maybe some new surprise that I could never guess will come up.
- I broke up with my boyfriend of three years. He's a good man, but our lives were going in different directions. Whether or not he wanted to admit it, his life was his business and he didn't have a lot of time for much else. Leaving him was very sad and a few times I wondered if I should have tried to stay. But I had waited two of those three years for him to change...to have time for me...and I didn't want to wait anymore.
- I started a relationship with someone new. The contrast between the last relationship and this one is stark and the difference amazes me every day. Before, I was constantly trying to fit into someone else's life and be convenient for him - not make demands, be flexible for his schedule, and be understanding when things fell through (which was often). I was caught quite off guard when this new person I started seeing asked me for more time together and went out of his way to make this possible. He doesn't want me to fit him, but instead changes his life so that we fit together. For instance, he wants me to have a place for my things in his house and he drives to my house every morning to take me to work...because he wants to. More than all this, though, he talks about the future as though I will be a part of it. He's optimistic and speaks with a sense of permanence about our relationship, which I appreciate. Regardless of how long we do stay together, I like this sense of permanence because it makes me feel wanted. For the last two years, I didn't feel wanted and I struggled with that every day. In this new relationship, however, there is no question of that.
I don't know how long it takes to move out of the Saturn Return growth period, but I have a feeling it isn't over and additional significant changes are going to occur in the next year (hopefully with my career??). We shall see and I'll keep you posted.
Friday, January 1, 2016
Amy's Year in Review 2015
A lot has happened with work this year, so this review will focus a lot on my professional life.
2015 Challenges
Breakdown/personal crisis in January. 2015 hit me hard right off the bat.
Short-staffed February to April at the office. I was taking on so much extra and the stress was upsetting me physically: breaking out, couldn't sleep, binge eating.
Dealing with people exploding/unloading on me, being demanding, and giving me tasks that I felt were inappropriate (e.g. writing his/her letters of recommendation) but to which I couldn't say no.
Figuring out what to do with my life. I've felt so restless this year and frustrated with my job. Sometimes work was crazy and sometimes it was boring. Either way, I do not see the UA as my end all be all. This year I've wanted more out of life, but felt constrained by my lack of transportation and money. I've been lonely for friends and agitated in my search for life-purpose fulfillment.
2015 Successes
Going home for two weddings and introducing Mike to my family at one of them. He was nervous and stressed a lot of the time (because he wasn't working), but we managed to get him out on the dance floor a few times (thanks to an intoxicated sister ;) ). I was glad he was there and he said afterward that it was a good trip.
Taking a family road trip to Wyoming. Being in a truck with family for hours on end was actually kind of fun, and Jackson Hole was a win for everyone. I hope we can do another family trip this year.
Cycling a 68+ mile ride. I've never hated wind and being the middle of nowhere in the desert so much. I'm not going to do any hardcore cycling again for a while, though I still find hills (both up and down) exhilarating.
Earning a very nice - and very needed - promotion at the end of the year.
Building a reputation as very competent, dependable employee. We've been through a couple mini crises this year, and I'm proud of the fact that people have come to depend on me because they know I will get the job done and it will be done well.
Things I've Learned
1) Build relationships with people at work, even if it's in small ways like favors or telling jokes. This could benefit you in the future.
2) Ask for help. My job is a balancing act between serving people and letting them walk all over you. Because I can't really tell people "no," I've learned to reach out to other admins to help me accomplish a task. There are many times where we pick up each other's extra work.
3) At the same time, I've learned that there is a line. Watching people take advantage of someone who was always open to everyone and couldn't say no has shown me the toll it can take. I will not be a doormat.
4) My supervisor Maria is amazing. Her work is stressful in that she's often cleaning up the mistakes of the Chairman (he missed a meeting or didn't clear travel approval before he left) while assisting in running the department. However, she doesn't forget her admin staff in the process. She wants what is best for us and trusts us all completely. She has no desire to micromanage. Once I asked her about the gates to the research area of our department (there's a changing room there that I like to use when I bike in the morning). I mentioned that sometimes security locks it at night and then doesn't unlock it in the morning, which is frustrating for me. "You need a key!" She said. "I didn't know you didn't have one!" And there was a key for me the next day. No more questions asked. She also encourages us to grow in our careers, even if that is outside of Medical Imaging and the university. Discussions have taken place between her and individual admins about looking for work elsewhere (for monetary or other reasons). She's told me that if I ever needed to move, she would gladly provide a reference. We need to do what is best for ourselves, she says.
Little by little I've been working on adopting her mindset...being trusting and supportive of an employee as a person (not just an employee for the department) and not micromanaging. I hope to be like her if/when I become a manager.
5) I bought a 4-inch memory foam mattress topper for myself. It's made a difference for sure and I look forward to going to bed now.
Goals/Thoughts/Desires for 2016
I'm going to be working with an especially dramatic and controlling person here on out - until the end of my time at Medical Imaging most likely. My goal is to learn how to work with her without losing my mind. I think if I can do that, I can do anything.
I've started doing 30 minute workouts in the morning at home. They combine strength training (using mainly body weight) and cardio. Plyometrics is almost always involved. They've made a difference in my strength and they make me feel good. My goal is to build a habit of doing this six days a week.
I am also making a habit of reading something intellectually stimulating every day - like a journal article on science, business, health, culture. I want to be more intelligent about my world and consequently more engaged. For instance, I just read about the health and financial/political crises happening in Brazil: the first female President faces impeachment for hiding budgetary issues and a virus (Zika virus) that causes microcephaly (small heads) in babies is spreading through the country via mosquitos. On top of that, the Olympic games is due to be in Rio this summer. These are important things to know, because they could eventually affect us in the US. I'm making the decision to be more informed and exercise my brain just as I do my body.
It's been a year since I've been to the cardiologist. I might try to find a primary care doctor and get a check up on my cholesterol situation. I know my vitals all seem to be good - super low heart rate, good blood pressure. It couldn't hurt to follow up, though.
As you read here, I've decided to pursue business school instead of a car. My first goal through June is to study for the GMAT. The intensity of this exam process didn't sink in until yesterday when I was setting up a plan. I was thinking more about business school, as well, and I became afraid. I was afraid of debt, disrupting my routine, and lack of sleep. I was afraid of the competitive atmosphere and being behind everyone else. I'm not practiced to think strategically in business! I was afraid of the realization that maybe I wasn't good enough to be there. Why did I want to go to business school anyway?? How am I going to answer that question in essays, interviews, and conversations at work? I'm not panicked right now, but these are things I'm going to work out over the next few months. The thing is...the more I think about business school, the more scared I become and the more I want to go. It's an emotional tennis match. All I'm going to say is, let's get through round one of the GMAT and see how things go.
Over and out. Bring on 2016.
2015 Challenges
Breakdown/personal crisis in January. 2015 hit me hard right off the bat.
Short-staffed February to April at the office. I was taking on so much extra and the stress was upsetting me physically: breaking out, couldn't sleep, binge eating.
Dealing with people exploding/unloading on me, being demanding, and giving me tasks that I felt were inappropriate (e.g. writing his/her letters of recommendation) but to which I couldn't say no.
Figuring out what to do with my life. I've felt so restless this year and frustrated with my job. Sometimes work was crazy and sometimes it was boring. Either way, I do not see the UA as my end all be all. This year I've wanted more out of life, but felt constrained by my lack of transportation and money. I've been lonely for friends and agitated in my search for life-purpose fulfillment.
2015 Successes
Going home for two weddings and introducing Mike to my family at one of them. He was nervous and stressed a lot of the time (because he wasn't working), but we managed to get him out on the dance floor a few times (thanks to an intoxicated sister ;) ). I was glad he was there and he said afterward that it was a good trip.
Taking a family road trip to Wyoming. Being in a truck with family for hours on end was actually kind of fun, and Jackson Hole was a win for everyone. I hope we can do another family trip this year.
Cycling a 68+ mile ride. I've never hated wind and being the middle of nowhere in the desert so much. I'm not going to do any hardcore cycling again for a while, though I still find hills (both up and down) exhilarating.
Earning a very nice - and very needed - promotion at the end of the year.
Building a reputation as very competent, dependable employee. We've been through a couple mini crises this year, and I'm proud of the fact that people have come to depend on me because they know I will get the job done and it will be done well.
Things I've Learned
1) Build relationships with people at work, even if it's in small ways like favors or telling jokes. This could benefit you in the future.
2) Ask for help. My job is a balancing act between serving people and letting them walk all over you. Because I can't really tell people "no," I've learned to reach out to other admins to help me accomplish a task. There are many times where we pick up each other's extra work.
3) At the same time, I've learned that there is a line. Watching people take advantage of someone who was always open to everyone and couldn't say no has shown me the toll it can take. I will not be a doormat.
4) My supervisor Maria is amazing. Her work is stressful in that she's often cleaning up the mistakes of the Chairman (he missed a meeting or didn't clear travel approval before he left) while assisting in running the department. However, she doesn't forget her admin staff in the process. She wants what is best for us and trusts us all completely. She has no desire to micromanage. Once I asked her about the gates to the research area of our department (there's a changing room there that I like to use when I bike in the morning). I mentioned that sometimes security locks it at night and then doesn't unlock it in the morning, which is frustrating for me. "You need a key!" She said. "I didn't know you didn't have one!" And there was a key for me the next day. No more questions asked. She also encourages us to grow in our careers, even if that is outside of Medical Imaging and the university. Discussions have taken place between her and individual admins about looking for work elsewhere (for monetary or other reasons). She's told me that if I ever needed to move, she would gladly provide a reference. We need to do what is best for ourselves, she says.
Little by little I've been working on adopting her mindset...being trusting and supportive of an employee as a person (not just an employee for the department) and not micromanaging. I hope to be like her if/when I become a manager.
5) I bought a 4-inch memory foam mattress topper for myself. It's made a difference for sure and I look forward to going to bed now.
Goals/Thoughts/Desires for 2016
I'm going to be working with an especially dramatic and controlling person here on out - until the end of my time at Medical Imaging most likely. My goal is to learn how to work with her without losing my mind. I think if I can do that, I can do anything.
I've started doing 30 minute workouts in the morning at home. They combine strength training (using mainly body weight) and cardio. Plyometrics is almost always involved. They've made a difference in my strength and they make me feel good. My goal is to build a habit of doing this six days a week.
I am also making a habit of reading something intellectually stimulating every day - like a journal article on science, business, health, culture. I want to be more intelligent about my world and consequently more engaged. For instance, I just read about the health and financial/political crises happening in Brazil: the first female President faces impeachment for hiding budgetary issues and a virus (Zika virus) that causes microcephaly (small heads) in babies is spreading through the country via mosquitos. On top of that, the Olympic games is due to be in Rio this summer. These are important things to know, because they could eventually affect us in the US. I'm making the decision to be more informed and exercise my brain just as I do my body.
It's been a year since I've been to the cardiologist. I might try to find a primary care doctor and get a check up on my cholesterol situation. I know my vitals all seem to be good - super low heart rate, good blood pressure. It couldn't hurt to follow up, though.
As you read here, I've decided to pursue business school instead of a car. My first goal through June is to study for the GMAT. The intensity of this exam process didn't sink in until yesterday when I was setting up a plan. I was thinking more about business school, as well, and I became afraid. I was afraid of debt, disrupting my routine, and lack of sleep. I was afraid of the competitive atmosphere and being behind everyone else. I'm not practiced to think strategically in business! I was afraid of the realization that maybe I wasn't good enough to be there. Why did I want to go to business school anyway?? How am I going to answer that question in essays, interviews, and conversations at work? I'm not panicked right now, but these are things I'm going to work out over the next few months. The thing is...the more I think about business school, the more scared I become and the more I want to go. It's an emotional tennis match. All I'm going to say is, let's get through round one of the GMAT and see how things go.
Over and out. Bring on 2016.
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
Curiosity, Not Passion
Elizabeth Gilbert gave a TED talk in which she said to "follow your curiosity" instead of your passion. Following your passion, she said, puts pressure on you to choose one thing to "love" and pursue it. However, in reality, many of us have several things we enjoy. Following curiosity takes that pressure off: you don't have to love something to wonder about it and tinker with it. Furthermore, if you decide to pursue something else, you don't feel like you're "breaking up" with your "passion." I very much agree with this logic: why put pressure on yourself to find your ONE TRUE LOVE when you could instead spend your life seeking answers to all your questions? Some of those questions might stay in one subject for a few hours or a few years, but it's up to where your muse takes you and it's no big deal if the interest doesn't hang around.
Here's a recent personal example: on Monday, I had a conversation with my supervisor about cycling. I was telling her about my ride and she said I must have a passion for it. I thought for a moment and said, "No, not really. It's just something I do. I like to go fast, but I'm also just curious...I wonder if I can go further or climb that hill." "But deep down," she said, "you must have a passion that drives you." I shrugged. It was funny; she was trying to convince me I had a passion and I was trying to convince her I didn't. Right now, cycling is one of my curiosities. I like learning about the effectiveness of body positioning and gripping, some mechanics of the bicycle itself, and my own abilities when I push myself for long distances or uphill. However, I don't love cycling. I don't have an attachment to it or a burning desire to race around outside. I started doing it because I have a bike instead of a car, and when I do get a car, I'd like to try other sports. If cycling falls off the radar, then that's the way it goes. If it hangs around, so be it. Regardless, I prefer not choose a passion, but rather follow my curiosity. It lets me focus on learning instead of defining myself.
Here's a recent personal example: on Monday, I had a conversation with my supervisor about cycling. I was telling her about my ride and she said I must have a passion for it. I thought for a moment and said, "No, not really. It's just something I do. I like to go fast, but I'm also just curious...I wonder if I can go further or climb that hill." "But deep down," she said, "you must have a passion that drives you." I shrugged. It was funny; she was trying to convince me I had a passion and I was trying to convince her I didn't. Right now, cycling is one of my curiosities. I like learning about the effectiveness of body positioning and gripping, some mechanics of the bicycle itself, and my own abilities when I push myself for long distances or uphill. However, I don't love cycling. I don't have an attachment to it or a burning desire to race around outside. I started doing it because I have a bike instead of a car, and when I do get a car, I'd like to try other sports. If cycling falls off the radar, then that's the way it goes. If it hangs around, so be it. Regardless, I prefer not choose a passion, but rather follow my curiosity. It lets me focus on learning instead of defining myself.
Saturday, October 3, 2015
Oh the writing!
September has sent my mind reeling. Things have happened and my brain was going to explode from all the thoughts. However, it hasn't - so I will write them here.
First, my reading has changed. I could barely pick up a work of fiction before, and now it's what I mostly try to read. Mainly because I want to write it. This desire truly felt like it came out of nowhere (though the Harry Potter incident - see previous post - helped it along considerably). My brain has been busily scouting for books and running through ideas like a madman running down the street. I admit that feel so behind. I haven't read fiction in a while and this is part of the equation of getting good at it. So much to do!
Second, I've decided on a career path. YES CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?! I've decided to pursue technical writing/editing as my money-making endeavor. I'd been talking to a friend last weekend and she was telling me about her writing and getting grants. I started thinking about grants...and grant writing...and I remembered a position at the UA for a grant/technical writer that looked interesting to me. Someone in this position would write proposals, help write/edit manuscripts, write for grants, and do other similar work. I decided to research technical writing. Now a week later, I'm a member of the Society for Technical Communication. I've started looking into certification and degree programs, but I'm hoping to talk to a professional and see what kind of education I really need. Arizona State University and Northern Arizona University offer technical/professional master's degrees that I can take online AND I receive a considerable discount since I'm a UA employee (tuition at one of these institutions is $25 for 9 credits...yeah...).
As with everything else, these things could fade, but I don't think they will. Not soon anyway. The reason I believe this is because with everything else I've considered doing, there has been a giant "wall" I would have needed to climb. The wall was made of significantly more education and involved returning to an environment (formal schooling) that I didn't much care for. These barriers don't exist in this situation...which makes a future in writing easier to pursue.
Sunday, February 15, 2015
It will be all right
Already into mid-February and I'm more emotionally stable. I didn't know that leaving Catholicism would have such an impact on me. I'm still confused and I'm still sad, but it's much less dramatic than before. A friend and I had a general conversation about the ordeal today, in which I explained: "Catholicism was my structure (for my life and morality), and I like structure. It gives me a guideline to measure myself against. But when I separated from it in January, my structure shattered into pieces. I picked up the few I still believed in - God, Jesus, and Mary - and left the rest behind. So technically my slate was not wiped clean, but now I don't have a structure."
My situation is a mixed bag. On one hand, I want to find a Christian group to fit into again, but I also enjoy the freedom of being unlabeled. I also tend to feel sad when I go by a Catholic church or when I hear people talk about church in general. However, I don't feel right going back, because I just don't believe what they believe anymore. I feel like an outsider and I have too much respect for the Mass to intrude. I do miss the rituals, though...all the standing, sitting, kneeling, candle-lighting and incense burning that make non-Catholics sick...and I don't know how I will feel about Easter coming around and me not being a part of it. We will have to see; my religion is a work in progress.
My situation is a mixed bag. On one hand, I want to find a Christian group to fit into again, but I also enjoy the freedom of being unlabeled. I also tend to feel sad when I go by a Catholic church or when I hear people talk about church in general. However, I don't feel right going back, because I just don't believe what they believe anymore. I feel like an outsider and I have too much respect for the Mass to intrude. I do miss the rituals, though...all the standing, sitting, kneeling, candle-lighting and incense burning that make non-Catholics sick...and I don't know how I will feel about Easter coming around and me not being a part of it. We will have to see; my religion is a work in progress.
Just know it happened
In my 2014 review, I had written that I was done "finding myself." I didn't flit after every idea anymore, thinking that each one was my life calling. I felt like I knew my mind and tendencies, and I wouldn't face regular identity fluctuation anymore. But I was so wrong: three days later my world fell to pieces.
The collapsing took place over two weeks while a heavy current of emotional pain poured out of me. I don't know how to describe the pain exactly...something similar to when my parents divorced perhaps.
Then everything stabilized...but I felt like I was falling in slow motion, and a numbness came over me. At that point, I realized I was on the other side of a divide. In my mind, I saw a stone wall with an iron gate and through the bars was the former Amy. I studied her face and saw all she knew and believed...and realized I would never be that same Amy again. I was aware. So I did the only thing I could: I picked up my bag - containing the few pieces of my life I could gather - turned around, and walked away.
I was in a fog for the last two weeks of January and felt very lost. When you go through a life-changing event, you tend to lose things. The thing I lost was my spirituality. If any of you have read the trilogy, His Dark Materials, I likened the feeling to when a person is separated from his dæmon (spirit).
In a way this event was a divorce between me and my religion. Some people are able to fade out this part of their upbringing, if it was there. Slowly they realize it isn't for them and decrease the time and energy they put into it. My religion, however, was my compass, my refuge, my heart, and my stronghold. I admit that it felt weak within the last year or two, but I never thought it would go away entirely. Maybe I've been in denial, though. Maybe if I looked back closely enough, I could see myself gradually chipping away at it over time.
As much as I want to tell you exactly what happened to cause this falling out, I can't right now...and maybe not for several years. I don't know. It requires a stronger Amy than the one that exists today. So please, do not ask me. I just want you to know, though, that it happened and that I am different.
The collapsing took place over two weeks while a heavy current of emotional pain poured out of me. I don't know how to describe the pain exactly...something similar to when my parents divorced perhaps.
Then everything stabilized...but I felt like I was falling in slow motion, and a numbness came over me. At that point, I realized I was on the other side of a divide. In my mind, I saw a stone wall with an iron gate and through the bars was the former Amy. I studied her face and saw all she knew and believed...and realized I would never be that same Amy again. I was aware. So I did the only thing I could: I picked up my bag - containing the few pieces of my life I could gather - turned around, and walked away.
I was in a fog for the last two weeks of January and felt very lost. When you go through a life-changing event, you tend to lose things. The thing I lost was my spirituality. If any of you have read the trilogy, His Dark Materials, I likened the feeling to when a person is separated from his dæmon (spirit).
In a way this event was a divorce between me and my religion. Some people are able to fade out this part of their upbringing, if it was there. Slowly they realize it isn't for them and decrease the time and energy they put into it. My religion, however, was my compass, my refuge, my heart, and my stronghold. I admit that it felt weak within the last year or two, but I never thought it would go away entirely. Maybe I've been in denial, though. Maybe if I looked back closely enough, I could see myself gradually chipping away at it over time.
As much as I want to tell you exactly what happened to cause this falling out, I can't right now...and maybe not for several years. I don't know. It requires a stronger Amy than the one that exists today. So please, do not ask me. I just want you to know, though, that it happened and that I am different.
Saturday, February 7, 2015
Perpetual Darkness
I have been contemplating pain and transgressions lately. Many people strive to live free of these things: to do as little wrong and hurt/be hurt by as few people or things as possible. However, it is difficult to escape either completely. Sometimes we are the one committing the act and sometimes we are the receiver. I've noticed that after one experiences pain or commits a wrongdoing, a shadow is cast over him. His world becomes tinted and his views a little darker. Pain and wrongdoing, however, have degrees and therefore varying levels of darkness: the worse the affliction, the darker the shadow.
Yet I've also observed something interesting happen when people learn from their darkness. It never goes away - because it occurred in time - but instead of hovering over someone and clouding her view, it attaches to her and casts off in a different direction. It reminds me of a 3D object: the shadow becomes a part of the object itself and gives it depth.
I have found that my own pain and the pain of others - if we learn from it - makes us wiser. It makes us more knowledgable and gives us deeper insight to our humanity, because we actually experience the workings of our brain and body, i.e. the ruling of logic, emotion, adrenaline, hormones, and reflexes. Up until the point of living an event, we are ignorant of it or we've only heard it mentioned. But when it happens, we see, touch, and taste this knowledge...whether we want to or not.
For better or for worse, I find myself drawn to those who have endured some kind of significant pain in their lives and have grown to become better people because of it. In my experience, many of them show they are more capable of understanding or show more empathy than those whose pain experience is relatively light. Of course, I do not wish suffering on anyone. I want people to be happy and live well. However, I cannot deny the insight that comes with adversity nor the greater depth with darker, everlasting shadows. This brings me to a question: is it better to be blissfully ignorant or scarred and aware? Is the knowledge worth the darkness?
Sunday, June 22, 2014
Taking a moment of silence
for having finished my longest (2 years) and most challenging job of my life. Also the job where I experienced the most professional and personal growth. I'm glad I did it and I'm glad it's over.
Saturday, June 7, 2014
Riding from the North
I took an express bus to a road in north Tucson called, "Sunrise." The temperature was supposed to reach its zenith of an estimated 109 by the time I finished work, so I opted for a $2 bus fare instead of cycling across town and up hills. The express stops two miles north of my destination, but riding downhill for two miles beats riding uphill in 100+ degree weather.
As the bus climbed the road leading into the foothills, I watched the sunlight enhance every plunge and profile of the terrain around me. I actually felt anticipation. I'd ridden this path in a car before and I enjoyed it. However, I've never ridden it on a bike, where there is no barrier between you and everything you see.
The ride down was awesome. There was no stopping and almost no pedaling, because the hill let me accelerate the whole way. I could see over Tucson, a low city mostly hidden by light green trees and shrubs. The mountains glowed orange and red-brown in the distance, as the sun moved toward the western horizon. I continued to go faster and faster and hoped the two miles wouldn't end quickly. Being within two different speeds - the fast pace of everything blurring around you and the slowly approaching horizon in the distance - magnifies your senses. There is no glass to interrupt your sense of smell, touch, sight, and sound; and less stability on a bike puts your mind in potential "danger" status...all making you increasingly aware and increasingly present. The northern part of town is already beautiful, but the experience is even greater when you travel like this, unenclosed.
There are times when I really dislike Tucson. The pace is slow, the culture lacks sophistication, the city is too flat and too hot, the population is old, there isn't enough to do, everything is spread out and the transit system cannot make up for it. However, experiences like these let me see its hidden beauty. It can't convince me to stay forever, but it does make me glad I'm here.
As the bus climbed the road leading into the foothills, I watched the sunlight enhance every plunge and profile of the terrain around me. I actually felt anticipation. I'd ridden this path in a car before and I enjoyed it. However, I've never ridden it on a bike, where there is no barrier between you and everything you see.
The ride down was awesome. There was no stopping and almost no pedaling, because the hill let me accelerate the whole way. I could see over Tucson, a low city mostly hidden by light green trees and shrubs. The mountains glowed orange and red-brown in the distance, as the sun moved toward the western horizon. I continued to go faster and faster and hoped the two miles wouldn't end quickly. Being within two different speeds - the fast pace of everything blurring around you and the slowly approaching horizon in the distance - magnifies your senses. There is no glass to interrupt your sense of smell, touch, sight, and sound; and less stability on a bike puts your mind in potential "danger" status...all making you increasingly aware and increasingly present. The northern part of town is already beautiful, but the experience is even greater when you travel like this, unenclosed.
There are times when I really dislike Tucson. The pace is slow, the culture lacks sophistication, the city is too flat and too hot, the population is old, there isn't enough to do, everything is spread out and the transit system cannot make up for it. However, experiences like these let me see its hidden beauty. It can't convince me to stay forever, but it does make me glad I'm here.
Thursday, June 5, 2014
When I was hired
I almost cried. I had been living paycheck to paycheck, scrutinizing the cost of every food or hygiene item or article of clothing I bought (I only bought clothes if I desperately needed them). When I got a job at the U of A, one of the most coveted employers in the city, I felt a rush of exhilaration and relief. I called and texted all the people rooting for me and we exclaimed and laughed together. I would have benefits again - I could visit the doctor with minimal costs, go to the dentist, get paid time off, afford to live on my own, not worry about feeding myself, etc. I don't remember if I actually fell to my knees that day, but I know they felt weakened to do so several times. I thanked God as though He had given me a free pass to Heaven.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Be Allowed to Dream
A friend from Wisconsin was upset that I didn't tell him I was leaving the state until after I was gone.
"You abandoned me!" he said, somewhat jokingly.
"You...and lots of other people, too," I admitted.
"So why did you leave?"
I explained that I wanted to work with a coach who lived here. However, as life worked out, I realized that dancing was to be a recreational thing for me instead of a profession...which is where that path was heading. He responded, "I hate to be a 'Debbie-Downer,' but I knew you wouldn't become a professional dancer." It didn't occur to me at that moment, but I later remembered that that that was why I never told him. I knew he wouldn't encourage me in pursuing something that was "just a hobby" to him. However, I think one needs to be allowed to dream, even if the probability of a dream coming true is low. A person needs room to explore and search, and I try to surround myself with people who will let me do this. I encourage you -- all of you who read this -- to dream, and know that you are allowed to chase it.
"You abandoned me!" he said, somewhat jokingly.
"You...and lots of other people, too," I admitted.
"So why did you leave?"
I explained that I wanted to work with a coach who lived here. However, as life worked out, I realized that dancing was to be a recreational thing for me instead of a profession...which is where that path was heading. He responded, "I hate to be a 'Debbie-Downer,' but I knew you wouldn't become a professional dancer." It didn't occur to me at that moment, but I later remembered that that that was why I never told him. I knew he wouldn't encourage me in pursuing something that was "just a hobby" to him. However, I think one needs to be allowed to dream, even if the probability of a dream coming true is low. A person needs room to explore and search, and I try to surround myself with people who will let me do this. I encourage you -- all of you who read this -- to dream, and know that you are allowed to chase it.
Monday, January 20, 2014
On Happiness and What Life Is (shared from a friend)
"Happiness is not an end-goal, but an experience achieved through being fully engaged in the business of living your life..."
and
"...this incubation period that we have entitled as ‘living’ is simply a cyclical process of preparation and learning prior to the next step in our soul’s journey to some currently undefined end state."
So if I may paraphrase...
1) happiness is full engagement with your life, not an achievement
2) "living" is preparation for each challenge we face and learning from its result...all leading to a place we find ourselves going but don't know exactly where it is or what lies there waiting for us.
Thanks for your insights HS ~ http://breakinworld.com/blog/?p=714
and
"...this incubation period that we have entitled as ‘living’ is simply a cyclical process of preparation and learning prior to the next step in our soul’s journey to some currently undefined end state."
So if I may paraphrase...
1) happiness is full engagement with your life, not an achievement
2) "living" is preparation for each challenge we face and learning from its result...all leading to a place we find ourselves going but don't know exactly where it is or what lies there waiting for us.
Thanks for your insights HS ~ http://breakinworld.com/blog/?p=714
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