Ten Things About Amy - End of 2013 Edition

My cousin asked me to write 10 things about myself for a facebook thing going around. It took me months, but I finally wrote them and I want to share them here, as well.

1) With a few exceptions, I have an attention span of about three months for hobbies/interests. It's awesome and unfortunate at the same time.

2) I find joy in the little things. I just went out an bought a new tube of toothpaste and couldn't be more excited!

3) It's interesting how my ambitions have changed over the years. I used to dream big and hope to impact the world with some amazing idea or feat. However, now I just want to afford my own apartment and groceries. I'm not sure if that's failure or life.

4) I am into bodywork and oriental medicine. They have been instrumental in physical and psychological healing.

5) I live my life behind the trends. I'm completely ok with this, except that when I finally watch Breaking Bad, I won't have anyone to agonize with over the drama.

6) Laughing's my favorite! :-D

7) I can answer a phone like a boss.

8) There was a time when I lived by a rigid set of rules, where things were black and white, right and wrong. You could see that rigidness in my body, hear it in the way I spoke, and feel it when I walked into a room. Now, my life is much softer. I've broken "the rules." I laugh more. I don't paint things as black and white, but as blue, orange, yellow, etc. I'm open to more interpretations of the way life can be. I believe there is a time for rules and rigidness, especially when building a foundation. However, I've learned that there is also a time for expansion, and that one must grow out of the foundation in order to create, be, and live a life worthwhile. 

9) Once, I accidentally dropped a spoon down the garbage disposal while it was running and it now has an oddly-bent shape. It is my favorite dining utensil.

10) I value being healthy. I hope to figure out exactly what that means by the age of 75.

Releasing the Fire

During the months of July and August, I'd had trouble sleeping. I'd also been feeling anxious and as though my nerves had been fried. My appetite increased in the evening and I couldn't sleep unless I put myself in a food coma. It was distressing and I couldn't figure out how to change it. Luckily I was exercising a lot so I had minimal weight gain. I had a feeling my job was giving me this stress and it was interfering with my ability to function. So I made an acupuncture appointment. I couldn't handle things on my own and I didn't know what to do anymore.

The treatment went well. During our interview, the acupuncturist suggested meditation. She acknowledged, though, that sometimes an active mind makes it difficult for a person to settle down enough for meditation. I was having extreme difficulty even sitting still in my chair let alone being able to quiet my mind, so I was thankful she recognized this. Nonetheless, she gave me an exercise that not only helped calm my mind but also created a soft, mental shield around myself that would help block me from energy-sucking circumstances/people. Nifty.

Every acupuncturist is different and this one was much more of a nurturer than the last two I've seen. All are excellent, but I appreciated being able to talk more about how I was feeling and have some healing conversation about my life. This one also put what felt like two-dozen needles in me. They were painless, though. Shortly after she left, I became amused. Then I felt a bubbling sensation work itself up from my midsection and come out as uncontrollable laughter. I kept my mouth closed out of fear I would disturb other treatments going on in the rooms next door, but I nonetheless laughed inexplicably for a couple minutes. Then it slowly faded away and I was left in a very peaceful state. When the acupuncturist returned, she asked me if I had felt any sensations. I mentioned the laughter and she said, "Ah, good. That means you had an excess of fire." I looked this up later and discovered that all the symptons I'd been having aligned with this "excess of fire" idea. From what I understand, fire is an energy that travels upward in the body. When a person has too much fire in her system, she experiences insomnia, worry, and anxiety. Appetite also increases because food pushes the energy downward. Hence, in an attempt to calm myself down when it was time to sleep, my body signaled that I was hungry...which explained the necessity of a food coma before bed. Another symptom of excess fire is laughter. I wrote to a friend earlier that while I was having so much anxiety and I couldn't sleep, I was somehow laughing all the time. It was confusingly contradictory - my life was unpleasantly stressful and yet I found so many reasons to be joyful. It turns out that laughter is one way to release fire energy. Interesting.

The treatment helped, but about a week later I felt the change in seasons as Tucson shifted into fall. I felt it last year, too. It's still 90-some degrees here, but I can tell when the energy slows down...because I slow down with it. I'm doing much better as a result. My appetite is normal again and I'm sleeping better. Unfortunately, I am also laughing less. I still laugh, but it's not as often and it doesn't carry as much. I guess I have to take the good with the bad...and it is nice to be normal again.

Acupuncture Aftermath

It’s been over two weeks since my first acupuncture treatment and I can definitely feel a great improvement. Before, I could not be positive. I felt as though I was hitting a ceiling. I would think a positive thought (“What a great day!”) but had to push myself to really be happy. It took way too much energy, though, and I would sink down again. I didn’t realize this was going on until I experienced the opposite…an impossibility to be negative. I had three treatments over the course of a week, and below are some of my experiences:

Treatment, Day 1:  moderately happy after session

Day 2: I felt like I was on top of the world. I had so much energy I couldn’t contain it. Every time I tried to think a negative thought, I couldn’t. It was as though I was being buoyed up – every time I tried to push myself down, I just came right back up. I laughed so much today. Furthermore, I felt extremely clear in my mind. I could recognize what was happening in my brain and in my lifestyle habits when I was depressed and what was happening when I wasn’t. As the day went on, I felt my energy continue to pick up, but slow down a little after I ate dinner.

Day 3: I awoke from a restless dream and my heart was racing. I got out of bed and within a few minutes I started pacing. I had so much energy I felt like I had to keep moving…otherwise I thought I’d have a heart attack. The positivity faded away and I became anxious. I couldn’t calm down and I nearly called the hospital. I called my dad instead and we talked to each other on the phone and texted back and forth for the next few hours. He suggested I go for a walk, but I could barely stand still long enough to change clothes. I also ate a lot that morning, because I thought digestion would slow everything down. It didn’t. I wanted to be productive that day, but all I could do was pace. I called my office and was able to get another appointment with Margaret. After I hung up, I began chattering aloud to myself and wringing my hands nervously…still pacing. The whole anxiety experience lasted three hours, and then – finally – my heart rate slowed to normal and I was ok again.

Treatment 2: Margaret took my pulse and put a few needles in. This time they went in my stomach, legs, and feet. I kept my eyes closed the whole time. She taught me some calming breathing exercises to slow my nerves. When she finished, she asked,

“Would you like me to stay in here with you? I can…it’s up to you…”

“Sure.” I was uneasy and felt vulnerable.

After a few minutes I asked quietly, “Do you know what happened this morning? Why I reacted the way I did?”

“Well…” Margaret paused for a moment, “Sometimes in order to heal, we experience things that aren’t comfortable. There will be emotions and feelings buried deep inside of us and they’ll come out in different forms…” she continued to talk about these different forms and I nodded understandingly.

“How do you feel right now?” she asked. I was about to speak, but I couldn’t, because right then tears came streaming down my face. I didn’t know why I cried, but I suddenly felt very sad.

“It’s ok, Amy…” Margaret put a Kleenex in my hand. I let the tears continue to stream down the sides of my face. When they finished, though, I felt very calm. I realized then that I didn’t feel any needles in my body at all. In fact, everything felt very light and peaceful. Maybe this was what they meant by a blissful state, I wondered.

When the treatment was over, I felt sad again for the rest of the day and the day after. Just the day before I wanted to conquer the world…and now I didn’t want to do anything.

Treatment 3: Five days later I had one last visit. Margaret put in the needles in my back again and I wasn’t anxious at all this time. Actually, the last few days had gone pretty well and I had begun to feel good again. I felt neither buoyed up nor like I was hitting a ceiling; I felt…normal! When we were finished, she said my energy was much better than it was last time.

~~~~

I’ve been doing really well ever since and I’m an enthusiastic supporter of acupuncture now. The panic attack episode was a little scary, but since I didn’t take anything chemically (I was only stuck with needles), I trusted that my body was just doing what it needed to do to get better. In Western medicine it works the same way, right? Sometimes you get worse before you get better? And there’s no need to be nervous about seeing an acupuncturist yourself if you ever want to...everyone reacts differently based on what they’re going through and what they need. Regardless, whether you’re skeptical of it all or not, it doesn’t really matter to me. I’m just glad to be better!

Finally, the best part about everything is that I can actually look forward to and enjoy my birthday this year. It will be in a few days, and the quarter-life benchmark won’t be a crisis J. 

Acupuncture for the SAD

I received an acupuncture treatment for the first time today, which is indeed when they stick needles in you. I’ve heard good things about it – granted, it’s been in my office from clients and coworkers – but I’ve been hesitant because of the needles. However, when a person needs to be healed and it comes to you at a discounted price, what can you say but, “why not?”

For the past few weeks, I’d been struggling with work and my life (again). Kind of randomly, I became suddenly disinterested in dancing and felt a confused, loss of purpose. On days when my partner had another commitment and couldn’t practice, I didn’t mind. In fact, all I wanted to do was sit at home. My room had gotten messier and I neglected doing my dishes. I simply didn’t have energy to clean up after myself. I also started losing focus at work and making mistakes I shouldn’t have been making. The other day, in fact, I sat at the desk and felt as though I had been drugged – slightly tired and unable to think about one thing for very long. It was challenging to do some of my routine tasks without making a concentrated effort to focus on them. Then back at home, the progression of this thing was continuing to disturb me. My behavior left me very confused and sad and I didn’t want to do anything – no yoga, no writing. I just wanted to become a hermit and read. I haven’t been sleeping well, either. I even started fasting for a few days and received a small thrill in doing so…seeing how far I could push myself to go without eating. Clearly, something was not right.

Then I had heard a coworker say a week ago, “I’m a very decisive person…so when I can’t make a decision, I know I need acupuncture.” It didn’t occur to me that someone might go to acupuncture for something like that, but since my mind felt cloudy too, I decided to try it.

Intake Interview

There are several types of acupuncture and the practitioner I saw – Margaret – was trained in 5 Element. It’s a system that takes the whole person into consideration when doing an intake – family history, personal history and behavioral tendencies (relationships, sleeping & eating patterns, social life), and physical concerns. This is opposed to Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) acupuncture. TCM is a bit more symptomatic from my understanding and resembles our western ideas of medicine: it focuses mainly on the physical. Five Element is more like mental and physical therapy…a counseling session with body/needle work. When I was talking to Margaret about my life, for instance, I began to see patterns in my behavior. After reviewing my experience in college, the move back home, and then moving to Tucson, I realized – again – that I had become depressed every year at the beginning of fall. I forget about this every year, because I always get better. However, even in warm, sunny Arizona, the seasons still affect me. I remembered then that I have seasonal affective disorder (S.A.D.). I’ve never been officially diagnosed, but I think five consistent years of experience is enough evidence.

The Needle Treatment

It went better than expected. Margaret only inserted needles into my back, which was nice because I didn’t have to watch. I only felt a tiny prick a couple of times – so much better than shot – and there was only one needle that annoyed me for the whole treatment. It didn’t hurt, but I could feel it. We chatted as she inserted them and then let me lay on the cushy table for 10-15 minutes. I’ve heard that acupuncture puts you in a blissful state, but this was not my experience. I felt a sensation of drowsiness right when she inserted the first needle, but then I went back to my normal alertness a few moments later. That one darn needle also didn’t allow me to relax, unfortunately. After all was finished - the needles were out and I was fully clothed again - I did feel a little woozy. They warned me not to exercise or drive a car afterward and to drink plenty of water (to flush out the toxins – this was a detox treatment). So I made plans to bus home and stay in, which of course didn’t bother me. I also ate a good lunch J.

The best thing about my treatment was the relief from knowing that something was the matter with me – something out of my control - and that it could be managed. Honestly, when you start doing things that feel just slightly off, you can’t tell if it’s part of your personality, if you’re just being lazy, or if something truly is wrong. It’s disturbing and frustrating. The lesson here is, if you think something is wrong, it probably is. Even if whatever you’re facing is all a mental perspective, if it’s bothering you, you should talk to someone about it and investigate it. The answer may be as simple as talking to someone to relieve pressure you feel at work or within your household. But if you don’t do anything, the mind can start to shut down or function in a funny way in order to deal with the long-term stress.

I don’t know if the body work will actually do anything, but I made another appointment to go back. We’ll find out within a few weeks if I feel a difference for sure. If I don’t remember to post about it, let me know ;).