Losing Trust and Latin Dancing

It’s disheartening to lose trust in your coaches. You want to hold them up as knowers-of-all who will lead you successfully through the world of dance. However, at the end of the day, they are people and I think I’ve questioned all of them at one point: they’ve given me instruction that seems mechanically incorrect, or they’ve been too vague (i.e. “you need to figure it out for yourself [what I mean]), or they put you – the student – in charge of the lesson. They all have the knowledge, but occasionally a flag goes up. I’ve learned that sometimes a flag is actually a different interpretation or a quirk of the person. For instance, I have one teacher who can be so cryptic at times that her instruction causes me frustration. But then one day – after months of not seeing her - she’ll give a simple correction, and everything she said before strikes like a chain reaction: piece after piece suddenly come together and I can see a larger picture. My faith is restored.

However, I feel like Ibrahim and I are struggling with our Latin coach. We had a long conversation with her about a month ago regarding trust. This was a conversation I wanted to write about because it was particularly insightful, but I haven’t had the time. Essentially, she didn’t think we trusted her, and we didn’t. We felt like she let us do whatever we wanted and didn’t take the reigns in teaching us. She realized this was because of the teaching style imposed on her when she worked in an American chain studio: “the customer is always right” sort of deal. She was understanding now that this wasn’t what every student wanted or needed. She’s been trying a new approach ever since and it’s been helpful.

Our improvement in Latin, though, has been smaller and moving more slowly than that of our Standard, even though we have Latin lessons almost every week (we have Standard about twice a month). It’s hard to say why this is…are we physically less apt for Latin dancing? Did our trust issue with our coach put us behind? Is it our coach’s instruction? Is it because we won a few Standard events in Chicago, and consequently we have more drive to improve?

Let me just vent for a second. I’m losing interest in Latin dancing. I used to love it because I loved feeling every muscle in my body move. I love the drums in samba…they feel like a second heartbeat coursing through my body. However, my joy is not in Latin these days. It’s a struggle to practice, but I make myself do it. Lately, I’ve felt like I’ve been doing it for Ibrahim. He wants to improve and keep going. I might be going through a phase, and maybe I’ll get excited about it again once I see some progress. But it’s been a struggle. When I dance Latin, I feel like I give it a 10 (out of 10) and on video it looks like a 2.5. I don’t like the way I look. We’ve been working on three dances for the last year and a half, and I am not interested in learning the other two. I feel like we have a better chance of making some gains in Standard competitions, and I’d rather do that. I’d rather put my energy into one style and excel at it than spread my resources thin and stay in pre-champ for years. I admit that I'm also losing some faith in my Latin coach, and may become more frustrated with it if we continue taking lessons. I like her as a person and I'm willing to keep going for a few more months, but if I make an effort and don't see much improvement, I have a feeling I will want to cut it off.

But every time I bring up specialization, Ibrahim says, “Let’s get through this year’s nationals and then assess.” So that’s our plan through April.

I want to quit my job

I want to quit my job. I am dissatisfied with my work. I thought maybe if I have something outside of work that fulfills me, having a "pay the bills" job is fine. For about a year, it was. However, things for me have changed. I'm starting to feel irritated with/intolerant of things that never really bothered me before: my pay, my work hours, the way one or two people treat me, the trainings and meetings I'm  expected to attend, my new responsibilities, etc. In fact, sometimes I don't want to do anything and get annoyed when people ask me to complete various tasks. However, I keep my emotions in check and do what I need to do. I know it's not my work - it's me.

The truth is, I don't feel fulfilled with my work. I don't feel like I'm growing in the direction I want. When you are working toward a goal and you're on the path you want to be on, you can put up with all kinds of crap: people taking advantage of you, lousy hours, little to no benefits, and low pay. You deal with it, because in the end it will pay off. On the other hand, if you have everything - good pay, good benefits, flexible hours, great coworkers - but don't feel fulfilled, all these things get on your nerves...probably irrationally. That's where I am right now.

The problem is, I don't know where to go or what would make me feel fulfilled. I've been reading a lot of articles on fulfilling careers and career changes, but nothing has sparked an idea. Or a plausible idea. I just know I want to create things. I've thought about photography, writing, websites, and marketing/advertisement. I've also thought about become a dance teacher...but the pay for that quite low unless you're well-known or have serious business skills (aka not a great teacher, but you can sell).

I don't know what I'm going to do, but I want to figure it out soon. I'm increasingly dreading the days I have to go to work and I'm getting cranky. I need to figure things out before I explode.

Turning 30

Fair warning: a short reflection on my twenties turned into an essay - so if you read it, you might want to grab a coffee ;).

 ~~~~

 My twenties were something else. They held some of the best moments of my life, including my college graduation; dancing on the Badger Ballroom Dance Team; traveling to Turkey by myself; getting my writing published; vacations with family; and meeting brilliant, bold, hilarious, creative, and crazy people who changed my life.

 However, among the bright moments, my twenties also had a running theme of survival. The early years were spent figuring out how to "adult": live with roommates, survive college, cook decent food, not burn my house down, navigate the professional world, pay bills, avoid Madison city parking police, and find that ever-elusive Life Direction. Life definitely challenged me. But at the age of 24, I kicked up the intensity. I moved across the country to Tucson - a place I’d never been, where I didn’t have a job or home lined up, and where I only kind of knew one person. I packed two suitcases and bought a one-way plane ticket. When I tell people this, many say, “That took guts,” or “That was brave." I usually respond, "Yeah...or dumb." There's a fine line, really. At the time, I was intoxicated with two things: leaving Wisconsin and ballroom dancing. I felt suffocated by familiarity and needed a change of pace, and I was pursuing something specific: Tucson had a teacher from whom I wanted to learn. So I left. The downside was that I didn't have a good plan. Our country was still climbing out of the recession and I barely had an employment history. Some people do this and hit the ground running. My landing wasn't bad, but it turned into a quicksand situation. After several months of trying to make it, things weren’t working out and I went through some tough shit. I became too broke to move anywhere else and had too much pride to return home or ask for help. I was fortunate to find good people to provide a roof over my head. One household even "adopted" me as a family member, which was wonderful and made holidays easier. However, I rarely talked about the reality of my life to anyone: how I was surviving on food stamps, how I nearly ended up at the Salvation Army (and instead lived across the street from it), and how my days were mostly just working to exist. Frankly, I was ashamed of what I had become and of what I was going through. More than this, though, I was ashamed of my naiveté. I tried to follow a passion/dream/fantasy and I failed horribly.

 As I struggled to rebuild my life, I went through some dark periods of depression and/or fear, as well. Some are still too sensitive to share the details and with one in particular, I didn’t know if I would make it out the other side. At one point, I found myself in a situation I never thought I'd face, and - feeling the most distressed and hopeless I’d ever felt in my life - I admit I contemplated all the options. More than once it seemed my life was saved by an act of God/the Universe/whatever you want to call it, and I am grateful. I moved through these periods with the amazing help of others (particularly Kristen Mae), became a stronger person, and today I am fierce about protecting the healthcare, safety, and mental well-being of women.

 During the healing process of these times, I also severed pieces of my former identity and sense of self. Emotionally, I felt like I was cutting off limbs of my body, pieces that once made me who I was. However, I recognized those limbs no longer served me; I had changed. But as the wounds healed, new limbs began to grow and I felt a new sense of personal empowerment and authenticity. I had a habit of yielding to others and giving them more control than I should have. But now I was taking a firmer grip on the reigns of my life and directing it in a way true to me.

 Meanwhile, dancing was completely out of the question and I resented it for a while. I believed this childish dream and self-indulgent passion ruined my life, so I tried to suffocate it. It kind of worked. I spent most of my Tucson years working to pay bills and buy groceries, keeping myself occupied with inexpensive/free activities here and there, and hoping to live better one day…which was happening slowly. Even though I found wonderful company – people whom I love for bringing me joy and showing me kindness - I still felt an internal emptiness. Deep down, I spent four years feeling like a failure and wondering if my move was nothing but a detrimental mistake; years of my life wasted. I had wanted to be something…and I was nothing.

But things changed last year. I received a promotion at work and nearly cried when they told me my salary - I could afford a real life. Several people encouraged me to try dancing again and while it took some convincing, I decided to give it a shot. I emailed the only international style dancer I knew, someone I met years ago. I asked if he could recommend a few local teachers. By the next day, he had given me a thorough reply and – by the way – his partner had just moved to California, so he was looking for a one. My first day back on the floor was a try out - GAH. I was so nervous and my dancing was rusty and awkward. But it didn't matter in the end. When I left the studio, I felt that internal emptiness fill with light. I experienced a deep sense of happiness that I hadn’t felt for a long time.

Since then, every part of my life seems to have opened and grown: my dance knowledge and opportunities, my circle of friends, creative projects, my health, travel, and I found a funny and wonderful partner for life (and all the science experiments and lectures that come with him). I finally feel what it is like to flourish and not just survive. Tomorrow I turn 30, and I’m looking forward to it. I made it, everyone, and I’m glad to leave those intense coming-of-age years behind. I sincerely thank all of you - my family and friends - who have been with me along the way.

I don’t expect the next decade to be void of pain and setbacks, but my hope is that it will be one of living more fully than before – with more laughter, confidence, creativity, drive, community, and, of course, dancing.

Photo credit: While I only train in ballroom these days, I've danced other styles in the past and I simply love to move. Many, many thanks to Ed Flores for catching my dancing soul on film. 

Flying 

Painting

Dreaming

The Anti-Passion Trail

I'm trying to instill the anti-follow-your-passion mindset in myself. It seems that some people do good by this type of thinking and some don't. Apparently I'm one of the latter. I just end up confused and anxious when I think about my "passions." I've been watching a few videos and listening to podcasts this last week on NOT following one's passion and they have offered some key insights:

1) Mike Rowe on "Behind the Brand." Mike Rowe is the host of Dirty Jobs on the Discovery Channel. His position on work is that you go in the opposite direction of everyone else, because that's where the money is. Hence, Dirty Jobs is about people who make a living doing work no one wants to do and many of them are millionaires. Mike himself actually looked for likely-to-fail projects in Hollywood; this way he could work for a few weeks and then take a few weeks off. However, the main takeaway I received from this video was that you need to figure out how to monetize your work. That is the bottom line. No matter how much you love what you do, if you're not earning money, you're not eating. The people in Dirty Jobs found an opportunity to make money, became good at it, and then learned to love it.

A similar idea is discussed here:

2) Reply All Podcast: Perfect Crime. The guys on Reply All reported on an actress and a long-running, but terrible show in New York called "Perfect Crime." It has bad reviews, yet people keep seeing it. The whole setup is a different way to define success - even though the show is awful, it manages to continue running and cast and crew remain employed. Not a "passion-filled" operation at all; it's paradoxical, but it seems to be working.

Next was:

3) Ben Horowitz - Commencement Speech. The part I liked best was his observations on following one's passion (around 8:00): passions are hard to prioritize (Amen!), what you're passionate about now may not be what you're passionate about in the future, you might not be very good at your passion (think American Idol), and following your passion is very a me-centered view of the world. He suggests, "Follow your contribution. Find the thing you're great at, put that into the world, contribute to others, and help the world be better."

So this speech helped explain why I become anxious when I think about following my passions- they are many and can change. Still, there is the question of, "What do I choose?" I admit that I'm not game for doing a job for only the sake of money. I'm not interested in a "dirty job" and I don't have a particular knack for computers or engineering.

4) Elizabeth Gilbert suggests following your curiosity. (This is a really beautiful speech, by the way.)

The things I've been good at most of my life are writing and performing. However, writing is more of bi-product of my life and I burned out on theatre and dance. I'm still into language and performance - like speaking and radio - and business and personal finance (I'm not a numbers person, but I like learning about money management)...? I guess I could start there? Maybe I should make a list of all the skills I want to develop and just start working on them.

Finally, there is the employment environment question. What kind of arrangement is good for me? I stress out a lot when I have to search for my own paycheck (freelance work). So I need a structured environment and steady paycheck (at least right now)...but my current situation is not ok with me for the long-term. I do not want to be an assistant to anyone. Eventually, I want my own projects, my own work, and my own brand. But how do I get those without throwing my salary and healthcare out the window?

I happened to glance at an email from Chris Guillebeau, author of The Art of Non-Conformity. Loved that book. I'm signed up for all his emails and even attended his World Domination Summit 2.5 years ago, which was great. He's coming out with a new book in April and I checked out the website. Interestingly, the website contains a quiz about working style: http://bornforthisbook.com/. I took the quiz twice. The first time, the result was kind of true...it determined that I was an "Independent Creative." However, I think this is something I want to be in the future, not right now. Eventually, I want to break away from the corporate world, but not yet. I retook the quiz and the second time it gave me, "Dynamic Organizer," which seems to fit very well, actually. I like and need structure within my workplace, but very much want a "side hustle," as they call it. So this is my answer to the work environment question.

Some of you may be asking about the business school thing I wrote about in December. I started studying for the GMAT full on and then became confused after three weeks. I wondered if I was doing it for something to do. My pace then slowed as I struggled with the math content and finally stopped for a week as I tried to collect myself. I think I might pick it up again just so I can take the exam and not quit. I hate feeling like a quitter and I don't want to add yet one more thing to that list. People accomplish lots of things every day and I feel like I can't even accomplish one. The trouble is, I also have a side job coming up soon that I agreed to do for someone, so my studying is going to slow down anyway.

I think my question now is, do I make business school my "side hustle" or focus on some other interest? ....geez...I don't know.

If anyone has thoughts on anything I just wrote - not necessarily about what I should do - please share!

Amy's Year in Review 2015

A lot has happened with work this year, so this review will focus a lot on my professional life.

2015 Challenges

Breakdown/personal crisis in January. 2015 hit me hard right off the bat.

Short-staffed February to April at the office. I was taking on so much extra and the stress was upsetting me physically: breaking out, couldn't sleep, binge eating.

Dealing with people exploding/unloading on me, being demanding, and giving me tasks that I felt were inappropriate (e.g. writing his/her letters of recommendation) but to which I couldn't say no.

Figuring out what to do with my life. I've felt so restless this year and frustrated with my job. Sometimes work was crazy and sometimes it was boring. Either way, I do not see the UA as my end all be all. This year I've wanted more out of life, but felt constrained by my lack of transportation and money. I've been lonely for friends and agitated in my search for life-purpose fulfillment.


2015 Successes

Going home for two weddings and introducing Mike to my family at one of them. He was nervous and stressed a lot of the time (because he wasn't working), but we managed to get him out on the dance floor a few times (thanks to an intoxicated sister ;) ). I was glad he was there and he said afterward that it was a good trip.

Taking a family road trip to Wyoming. Being in a truck with family for hours on end was actually kind of fun, and Jackson Hole was a win for everyone. I hope we can do another family trip this year.

Cycling a 68+ mile ride. I've never hated wind and being the middle of nowhere in the desert so much. I'm not going to do any hardcore cycling again for a while, though I still find hills (both up and down) exhilarating.

Earning a very nice - and very needed - promotion at the end of the year.

Building a reputation as very competent, dependable employee. We've been through a couple mini crises this year, and I'm proud of the fact that people have come to depend on me because they know I will get the job done and it will be done well.


Things I've Learned

1) Build relationships with people at work, even if it's in small ways like favors or telling jokes. This could benefit you in the future.

2) Ask for help. My job is a balancing act between serving people and letting them walk all over you. Because I can't really tell people "no," I've learned to reach out to other admins to help me accomplish a task. There are many times where we pick up each other's extra work.

3) At the same time, I've learned that there is a line. Watching people take advantage of someone who was always open to everyone and couldn't say no has shown me the toll it can take. I will not be a doormat.

4) My supervisor Maria is amazing. Her work is stressful in that she's often cleaning up the mistakes of the Chairman (he missed a meeting or didn't clear travel approval before he left) while assisting in running the department. However, she doesn't forget her admin staff in the process. She wants what is best for us and trusts us all completely. She has no desire to micromanage. Once I asked her about the gates to the research area of our department (there's a changing room there that I like to use when I bike in the morning). I mentioned that sometimes security locks it at night and then doesn't unlock it in the morning, which is frustrating for me. "You need a key!" She said. "I didn't know you didn't have one!" And there was a key for me the next day. No more questions asked. She also encourages us to grow in our careers, even if that is outside of Medical Imaging and the university. Discussions have taken place between her and individual admins about looking for work elsewhere (for monetary or other reasons). She's told me that if I ever needed to move, she would gladly provide a reference. We need to do what is best for ourselves, she says.

Little by little I've been working on adopting her mindset...being trusting and supportive of an employee as a person (not just an employee for the department) and not micromanaging. I hope to be like her if/when I become a manager.

5) I bought a 4-inch memory foam mattress topper for myself. It's made a difference for sure and I look forward to going to bed now.


Goals/Thoughts/Desires for 2016

I'm going to be working with an especially dramatic and controlling person here on out - until the end of my time at Medical Imaging most likely. My goal is to learn how to work with her without losing my mind. I think if I can do that, I can do anything.

I've started doing 30 minute workouts in the morning at home. They combine strength training (using mainly body weight) and cardio. Plyometrics is almost always involved. They've made a difference in my strength and they make me feel good. My goal is to build a habit of doing this six days a week.

I am also making a habit of reading something intellectually stimulating every day - like a journal article on science, business, health, culture. I want to be more intelligent about my world and consequently more engaged. For instance, I just read about the health and financial/political crises happening in Brazil: the first female President faces impeachment for hiding budgetary issues and a virus (Zika virus) that causes microcephaly (small heads) in babies is spreading through the country via mosquitos. On top of that, the Olympic games is due to be in Rio this summer. These are important things to know, because they could eventually affect us in the US. I'm making the decision to be more informed and exercise my brain just as I do my body.

It's been a year since I've been to the cardiologist. I might try to find a primary care doctor and get a check up on my cholesterol situation. I know my vitals all seem to be good - super low heart rate, good blood pressure. It couldn't hurt to follow up, though.

As you read here, I've decided to pursue business school instead of a car. My first goal through June is to study for the GMAT. The intensity of this exam process didn't sink in until yesterday when I was setting up a plan. I was thinking more about business school, as well, and I became afraid. I was afraid of debt, disrupting my routine, and lack of sleep. I was afraid of the competitive atmosphere and being behind everyone else. I'm not practiced to think strategically in business! I was afraid of the realization that maybe I wasn't good enough to be there. Why did I want to go to business school anyway?? How am I going to answer that question in essays, interviews, and conversations at work? I'm not panicked right now, but these are things I'm going to work out over the next few months. The thing is...the more I think about business school, the more scared I become and the more I want to go. It's an emotional tennis match. All I'm going to say is, let's get through round one of the GMAT and see how things go.

Over and out. Bring on 2016.

Amy's Year in Review 2014

I enjoy looking over my life at the beginning of the New Year. It makes the time I spent living worth my while, by recognizing all I've learned and how much I've changed. Below is my list of Things I've Learned, Accomplishments, and Desires for 2015. To be honest, I don't know if the things I've learned in 2014 were actually during 2014 or if they were some time before that, but I think they're important so they're listed.

Things I've Learned

1) No human feeling is unique: everyone can experience the same emotions (on varying levels), and it is possible to feel a strong emotion repeatedly. This includes love. This year, I had a tough time changing my mindset from the idea that love is unique and highly exclusive to that it is common and shared.  The truth is, we can love deeply more than once and we love many people throughout our lives. While I kind of knew this from my relationships with friends and family members, being in a close relationship with someone else made the lesson stark: I had to understand that I am a part of a person's life, not the part. That was a tough pill to swallow ("What?! You mean I'm not the only person you've ever cared about?") However, while I've learned that love itself is common, I've also learned that what comes from love is special: the family you create, the lessons you learn about yourself, and the places it takes you.

2) Talking is better than walking. I am a person who tends to cut things off and be done with them when they aren't working out. I've discovered that it's worth communicating your issues/feelings before walking out, especially if the other person wants to meet you half way.

3) Be able to justify your actions. It's a really great feeling when someone calls you out on a "mistake" and you're able to list solid, logical reasons why you did what you did.

4) You look better when you admit to a mistake than when you try to cover it up. Yes, people want something done in a timely fashion, but - at the core of the issue - they want it done right. Asking for help when you don't know is key.

5) You're given "dumb" passes in life (people forgive you when you do something stupid), but they're limited - try not to use them all up at once.

6) Learn how to fix what you mess up, because messing up is a given.

7) Sometimes you can't fix everything, though, and you have let time do the work. We all have people who won't forgive us, items that we've caught on fire and will never get back, and money (ours or someone else's) that we've tossed out the window...I think there's a specific "dumb pass" for that...Regardless, we just have to hope time will heal all emotional wreckage.

8) My body and physical ambitions have changed. In my early 20s, I thought I had figured out the "formula" to get my body the way I wanted it. Now, however, I'm no longer in that stage of post-adolescent-but-still-have-adolescent-body-functionings, and that formula doesn't work anymore. My body responds differently to food than it used to. I'm also less tolerant of being hungry and I don't have the same fascination with body mechanics anymore (aka I'm not ok with eating only a handful of food for a meal and gyms don't stimulate me like they used to). The resulting physical change has been difficult for me to deal with and I have a feeling life isn't going to be generous as I get older.  I'm not giving up, but I'm also learning acceptance...

9) "Finding myself" is over. Thank. Goodness. I no longer look at each opportunity like, "THIS IS WHO I AM AND WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE DOING WITH MY LIFE!" I have a complicated web of interests, but none of them are attached to my identity. I regard the "finding self" stage as the mental puberty of early adulthood: I had to go through it to solidify my identity, but I'm glad it's over.

10) Movies can engage a person intellectually on a deeper level than I expected. They can make you reflect upon your own morals, goals, and thinking patterns. They make you question society. This deeper thinking thing was a pleasant surprise for me. I thought you could only get it - truly - from books.


Accomplishments

Obtained a full-time job with benefits that pays me almost enough to live on (parents still help a little).

Found an apartment that only I live in. Sweet Jesus, I didn't think I'd see the day.

Read several books and watched many tv shows and movies. Who's culturally engaged ??-->>> this one!

Maintained a healthy relationship for over a year (personal record! victory dance!).


Desires/Things to Accomplish for 2015

I'm used to being broke around Christmas and not doing much. This year, I wasn't broke but I did not plan well. I felt like a scrooge when unexpected gifts were left on my desk at work and in my mailbox at home. Next year, I want to be more active about preparing for the holidays (Christmas shopping will happen and cards will be made ahead of time) and appreciate the celebrating on a religious level. I also want an Advent calendar and Jesse tree. Seriously, what's more fun than opening a tiny box every day for a month, pulling out a gift/ornament, and reading an accompanying story? Lots of things, I know, but it's still pretty great.

I want an art project and art skills! I can already see many of you slapping your foreheads - you probably remember the artistic attempts of Summer 2013? Well, I'm back to it again. Right now, the only thing on my list is a kinetic typography video. I'm hoping to have two more projects this year (cards don't count).

Professionally? I'd like to start doing more with communications. I'm going to push to help with the department newsletter and website more. Truth be told, I envy the BioComm department upstairs. I'm sure their lives are filled with tedious work, but I would love some of their technical and creative skill sets.

I struggled with my religion in 2014. I was barely going to Mass once a week, and I developed some riffs with Catholicism. I went as far as looking into various Protestant churches around the city, because I wasn't feeling like I fit in as a Catholic anymore. However, after I went to one such service, I left feeling empty. I immediately missed the richness of the Catholic church, its rituals, and its structure. I like ritual and structure, and I was very appreciative of the next Mass I attended. However, who's to say this couldn't happen again? Therefore, this year I want to read about and engage more with my faith: to start, four books on Catholicism/Christianity.

Health...I'm just keeping on keeping on. Maybe exercise a little more.

I want a group of friends...like from a club I join or something. I don't know if that will happen this year because I can already see myself being very busy. However, I think friends would be a positive addition to my life.


All right, so that is that for 2015. Lots of good stuff happened in 2014, so let's hope that goodness keeps rolling! Do you have any goals for this year or anything you learned from last year that you want to share? If so, please leave a comment or send me a message. Best to you all for 2015!

Please You

A friend pointed out to me once that cared a lot about what other people thought of me and took it to heart. I'm going to take this one step further and say that I enjoy pleasing other people. I like to do this so much that sometimes I lose sight of what I want...because I want what they want. If someone thinks I am a good writer and should pursue that, then I will write-write-write because because it would please them. If someone thinks I would be good at _____, then I should do _____ because it would please them. I bring this up because I'm trying to sort out a direction for me. Every time I do so, though, I have someone else in mind: what would they think of me pursuing this? Is this something I want?

Then again, maybe I should stop sorting and just do. But that's a bit difficult when you want to focus on several different things at one time.

Figuring stuff out

Since the beginning of September, I've felt an incredible loss of purpose. I went from working two jobs - a situation that almost broke me - to working one job, where I now sit idly half the time. The contrast has been a slow whiplash. I went from relieved, to content, to agitated, to wanting to throw things and scream - so much was my frustration. I didn't know what to do with myself to fill the eight hours (though not for lack of trying to find things - but I don't want to discuss that fruitless runaround). I felt completely useless at work and then went home and did chores. My brain felt like it was disintegrating and I felt completely uninspired.

Until I started watching TV. That's right. Specifically, I started watching the TV show, Girls. The show itself is controversial and sometimes I'm not completely on board with the content. But sometimes, I really liked the writing...so much so that I searched out the creator/writer and discovered she also publishes essays for the New Yorker, which unexpectedly impressed me. This series of events got me writing creatively again and thinking about the direction in which I want to push myself. Consequently, I'm using my "empty" work time for massive, reflective/overhaul writing. I'm asking myself about the lifestyle I want and deciding what I want my driving force to be - practical or creative. It's fun, but heavy on the thinking. Good thing I have time.

Compensation

Today I received an electronic notice that my checking account has $1 in it. While the situation isn't dire - I have a little money in savings and I get paid today - it was a bit shocking. I realized a few months ago that my current income is no longer livable, so I've started the process of applying for other work. One of the hard things, though, is writing out a resume and saying I'm "excellent" and "exceptional" at what-have-you when there is evidence to suggest otherwise. An incident yesterday made me question some of my abilities I want to "sell" and consequently, it has been difficult writing that resume...

This past month, we've had several scheduling errors where clients have missed appointments because of the schedulers/admin. There's a team of three people who do it: me, Judy, and the owner. Admittedly, we all mess up. There are so many freaking details that go along with running the business that it would take a super-human administrative assistant to get the job done perfectly. However, several errors have traced back to my coworker, Judy, who is newer to the job than I am. The owner was getting frustrated. I feel the pressure, too, though and I'm terrified to make a mistake.

Then yesterday, a client called to confirm an appointment for that afternoon and she wasn't in the calendar. We were unlucky, too, because her slot had been scheduled over. Of course, the client couldn't remember when she made the appointment or who she talked to. I've had a pretty good track record with my scheduling for the last several months, and the owner knew she didn't talk to the client...so she suspected it was another mistake made by Judy. There didn't appear to be any evidence either way, though.

Yet I had a sinking feeling in my stomach. I couldn't remember doing the scheduling, but the client had a treatment on the day I was working. It would have made sense for her to rebook that same day. I checked the company cell phone's message history to see if the appointment had been texted in, but the messages had been cleared since then. At the end of the night, I stopped the therapist who would have had the appointment - did she text in the treatment? She couldn't remember, but I asked her to go through her messages anyway, giving her the date. She found it. The appointment had been scheduled during a short text conversation we had had. I must have gotten distracted and forgot to put it in. Now I had to figure out how to handle it. The mistake should not have happened. Period. I've been there long enough to be more attentive than that.

I decided to leave a note for the owner. I explained to her what happened - that it was my fault the client lost the appointment and not Judy's. I said the client should be compensated a free massage (since that is the right thing to do) and I asked that the price of the massage be deducted from my paycheck when she rebooks (she's a regular, so we knew she would). That way the company gets paid, the therapist gets paid, the client - hopefully - feels taken care of, and I can feel redeemed.

I don't know if she'll actually do it, though. In the past, she's let the business as a whole - and probably herself then - eat the cost. So it means I'll have to make sure it's deducted myself.

Anyway, this event was a blow in two ways:
1) My bank account clearly can't handle any more losses, and
2) I'm not as good as I thought I was.
I was considering applying for a job at the university hospital where the stakes were much higher, but I've lost confidence in my ability to step up to that challenge. I was going to be stretching myself as it was - being somewhat under-qualified for the job - but now...I mean this is a hospital. Life and death happen here. Missing an appointment in a massage therapy center is one thing, but I don't know if I could live with myself if I did the same in a hospital...particularly the Children's Critical Care Unit...

So I'm battling two dilemmas now...the $1 in my bank account and the feeling of being qualified...