Wow! What a year! As usual, let's look at my goals from last year and compare to what actually happened:
Goals for 2017
1) Front splits and side splits. (Stretch goal) - Nope. This did not happen.
2) Make rondes (RON-days) that are level with my head when I kick them in my routines. Neither did this, but I need to work on it.
3) Semi-final in SOMETHING at NDCA nationals this year. (Stretch goal). We only made it as far as quarter final in novice standard; round three for pre-champ standard and novice latin, and round one for pre-champ latin.
4) Do four dance competitions (big, small, medium, whatever). Yes: People's Choice, Galaxy, Chicago Dancesport Challenge, and Devil Dancesport Invitational.
5) Dance a latin and standard routine that I'm not ashamed to post on facebook/youtube. I think I posted a latin routine from a showcase, but unfortunately, that's the only one I liked. Everything else I've danced has been painful to watch. For standard, I'm more willing to post those videos. I'm also looking forward to more videos, because I think my posture has improved by a few miles since my last competition.
6) Successfully rhinestone a standard and latin dress. Meaning, they don't look bad. Yeah, I think this one was accomplished :).
7) Design a practice dress and sew it. (Stretch goal) Ha. No way. The sewing dream has been left behind. I still have my singer (and I still love it), but I just don't have time to learn to sew. I can give it maybe a few hours on the weekend.
8) Make friends at dance competitions. Yes!!! I've made lots of new friends and it's been SO fun!!
Additional thoughts: I think this is the first year I've had solid goals that I believe are attainable. A few of them are "stretch goals" that may be a little ambitious, but they aren't impossible. My only professional goal this year is to not get fired. I need my job to support my dancing habit.
I'm pretty excited about 2017. I'm hoping to be in a place I don't expect (in a good way) by this time next year.
I definitely ended up in a place I didn't expect: engaged!
My professional goal at the UA for this year is to, again, not get fired.
Plans and goals for 2018 and 2019
Ibrahim and I have already been looking ahead. He will be teaching three courses in the fall (max load), so that he can take off for the spring of 2019. A friend/colleague of his in England is organizing some kind of semester-long project. If Ibrahim can get funding, he'll make a few trips over there. If he can't, he'll work from home. He's also hoping to get some of his own research done during that time and publish some papers. So fall 2018 is going to be extremely busy for him and we probably won't be competing much. We'll already have two weddings to attend - one being our own. Also, since he has something going on in England in 2019 anyway, we're planning to compete at Blackpool that year. I am not anticipating anything miraculous, but we want to make our first attempt then. Our goal is to go twice before we're designated to senior division.
2018 Goals
1) Final at Nationals in novice standard, both NDCA and USA Dance. We've already pointed out of novice standard in USA Dance, so we're hoping to final. Either way, we have to move up.
2) Achieve more muscular definition. I've been working out at home and slowly building my home gym (which I love!) I really like all the workout "toys": dumbbells, kettlebells, resistance bands, balls, plyo boxes, etc. I enjoy strength training, especially the kind that involves more intricate coordination (combination moves). However, I feel like I've been working out and I still look like a marshmallow. I'm hoping to change that this year.
3) Perform at a charity/fundraising event. We have various charity events in Tucson and I would like to perform at one of them. A lot of professionals will do performances to get students, but I just want to put on a show! Ibrahim and I are at a level where we look like professionals to the laypeople, so I think we could pull off an entertaining performance :).
4) Get married. This seems like a non-fail goal, but I swear...the planning is so hard for me. Every time I think I have a plan, guest list, venue, date, or schedule, things change. I'm hoping things will come together.
5) Get a professional portrait taken. I would just really like one of these. I've been looking for a photographer who I think would capture the mood/image I want.
6) Make more dance friends. I feel like I can't have enough of these.
Main take-away from 2017 and hope for 2018
The message that stayed with me for half of 2017 was to really appreciate life and put myself out there to meet people. This year - as you know - I knew a young man, Nic, who died two months after we met. I knew him for such a short time and yet he left an unforgettable impression on me. He was so open and friendly; just knowing him made me feel good. After he died, I learned that he was like this with everyone and he shared his love of dance with everyone in his community. He was one of the top amateur dancers in the country and there wasn't a haughty bone in his body. I only met Nic because Ibrahim suggested going out with him and his partner; I was too shy otherwise. I nearly missed an opportunity to be graced by his life. Anyway, since his death, I decided I wanted to be like Nic. I wanted to be as open and friendly. I wanted to express love and happiness more and connect with people. Being isolated makes me unhappy, but I'm not always brave enough to step outside my box - what if people think I'm weird or don't like me? Now, I care less. When I think that my life could be taken from me at any day, I want to take advantage and spread light.
My hope for 2018 is to continue the openness and positivity. Of course, I also hope that everyone in my life stays healthy and no tragedy comes upon us. I want to continue the adventures and I'm loving the unexpected, happy surprises that come up - I hope there are more! :)
Happy New Year, everyone!
P.S. For a photo review of 2017, check out my #BestNine2017 on instagram: https://www.instagram.com/p/BdWRS1VgDSy/
Showing posts with label Lessons Learned. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lessons Learned. Show all posts
Sunday, December 31, 2017
Sunday, April 10, 2016
Mistakes
March was a difficult month for me at work. I've either been making mistakes or mistakes I made in the past decided to become visible. The errors have been minor to middle-grade ones. The minor ones hurt my self-confidence at most, but the middle-grade ones involved making other people look inconsiderate/uninformed. I've sent out a couple apology emails. One of the mistakes involved a doctor yelling at another employee. That one made me feel the worst. The short story is that I had wrong information, which I passed on to someone and she passed on to someone else. Between the time I found that information and the mistake happened (an announcement went out with this wrong information), the right information actually came to my inbox. However, my brain cells were not working and it didn't occur to me that the two pieces of information didn't match...even as I was talking about one of them aloud to a coworker.
Guilt hung over me like an overcast day. I felt like I could have prevented it had I been thinking. I told the story to several people, including those involved in the blowup, and no one blamed me. It still took me a few days to get over it.
It just goes to show that when you think you're on top of your game, you still mess up and it can be the worst. At least my profession doesn't hold the physical lives of others in my hands. I would have a hard time dealing with those kind of mistakes.
Guilt hung over me like an overcast day. I felt like I could have prevented it had I been thinking. I told the story to several people, including those involved in the blowup, and no one blamed me. It still took me a few days to get over it.
It just goes to show that when you think you're on top of your game, you still mess up and it can be the worst. At least my profession doesn't hold the physical lives of others in my hands. I would have a hard time dealing with those kind of mistakes.
Friday, January 1, 2016
Amy's Year in Review 2015
A lot has happened with work this year, so this review will focus a lot on my professional life.
2015 Challenges
Breakdown/personal crisis in January. 2015 hit me hard right off the bat.
Short-staffed February to April at the office. I was taking on so much extra and the stress was upsetting me physically: breaking out, couldn't sleep, binge eating.
Dealing with people exploding/unloading on me, being demanding, and giving me tasks that I felt were inappropriate (e.g. writing his/her letters of recommendation) but to which I couldn't say no.
Figuring out what to do with my life. I've felt so restless this year and frustrated with my job. Sometimes work was crazy and sometimes it was boring. Either way, I do not see the UA as my end all be all. This year I've wanted more out of life, but felt constrained by my lack of transportation and money. I've been lonely for friends and agitated in my search for life-purpose fulfillment.
2015 Successes
Going home for two weddings and introducing Mike to my family at one of them. He was nervous and stressed a lot of the time (because he wasn't working), but we managed to get him out on the dance floor a few times (thanks to an intoxicated sister ;) ). I was glad he was there and he said afterward that it was a good trip.
Taking a family road trip to Wyoming. Being in a truck with family for hours on end was actually kind of fun, and Jackson Hole was a win for everyone. I hope we can do another family trip this year.
Cycling a 68+ mile ride. I've never hated wind and being the middle of nowhere in the desert so much. I'm not going to do any hardcore cycling again for a while, though I still find hills (both up and down) exhilarating.
Earning a very nice - and very needed - promotion at the end of the year.
Building a reputation as very competent, dependable employee. We've been through a couple mini crises this year, and I'm proud of the fact that people have come to depend on me because they know I will get the job done and it will be done well.
Things I've Learned
1) Build relationships with people at work, even if it's in small ways like favors or telling jokes. This could benefit you in the future.
2) Ask for help. My job is a balancing act between serving people and letting them walk all over you. Because I can't really tell people "no," I've learned to reach out to other admins to help me accomplish a task. There are many times where we pick up each other's extra work.
3) At the same time, I've learned that there is a line. Watching people take advantage of someone who was always open to everyone and couldn't say no has shown me the toll it can take. I will not be a doormat.
4) My supervisor Maria is amazing. Her work is stressful in that she's often cleaning up the mistakes of the Chairman (he missed a meeting or didn't clear travel approval before he left) while assisting in running the department. However, she doesn't forget her admin staff in the process. She wants what is best for us and trusts us all completely. She has no desire to micromanage. Once I asked her about the gates to the research area of our department (there's a changing room there that I like to use when I bike in the morning). I mentioned that sometimes security locks it at night and then doesn't unlock it in the morning, which is frustrating for me. "You need a key!" She said. "I didn't know you didn't have one!" And there was a key for me the next day. No more questions asked. She also encourages us to grow in our careers, even if that is outside of Medical Imaging and the university. Discussions have taken place between her and individual admins about looking for work elsewhere (for monetary or other reasons). She's told me that if I ever needed to move, she would gladly provide a reference. We need to do what is best for ourselves, she says.
Little by little I've been working on adopting her mindset...being trusting and supportive of an employee as a person (not just an employee for the department) and not micromanaging. I hope to be like her if/when I become a manager.
5) I bought a 4-inch memory foam mattress topper for myself. It's made a difference for sure and I look forward to going to bed now.
Goals/Thoughts/Desires for 2016
I'm going to be working with an especially dramatic and controlling person here on out - until the end of my time at Medical Imaging most likely. My goal is to learn how to work with her without losing my mind. I think if I can do that, I can do anything.
I've started doing 30 minute workouts in the morning at home. They combine strength training (using mainly body weight) and cardio. Plyometrics is almost always involved. They've made a difference in my strength and they make me feel good. My goal is to build a habit of doing this six days a week.
I am also making a habit of reading something intellectually stimulating every day - like a journal article on science, business, health, culture. I want to be more intelligent about my world and consequently more engaged. For instance, I just read about the health and financial/political crises happening in Brazil: the first female President faces impeachment for hiding budgetary issues and a virus (Zika virus) that causes microcephaly (small heads) in babies is spreading through the country via mosquitos. On top of that, the Olympic games is due to be in Rio this summer. These are important things to know, because they could eventually affect us in the US. I'm making the decision to be more informed and exercise my brain just as I do my body.
It's been a year since I've been to the cardiologist. I might try to find a primary care doctor and get a check up on my cholesterol situation. I know my vitals all seem to be good - super low heart rate, good blood pressure. It couldn't hurt to follow up, though.
As you read here, I've decided to pursue business school instead of a car. My first goal through June is to study for the GMAT. The intensity of this exam process didn't sink in until yesterday when I was setting up a plan. I was thinking more about business school, as well, and I became afraid. I was afraid of debt, disrupting my routine, and lack of sleep. I was afraid of the competitive atmosphere and being behind everyone else. I'm not practiced to think strategically in business! I was afraid of the realization that maybe I wasn't good enough to be there. Why did I want to go to business school anyway?? How am I going to answer that question in essays, interviews, and conversations at work? I'm not panicked right now, but these are things I'm going to work out over the next few months. The thing is...the more I think about business school, the more scared I become and the more I want to go. It's an emotional tennis match. All I'm going to say is, let's get through round one of the GMAT and see how things go.
Over and out. Bring on 2016.
2015 Challenges
Breakdown/personal crisis in January. 2015 hit me hard right off the bat.
Short-staffed February to April at the office. I was taking on so much extra and the stress was upsetting me physically: breaking out, couldn't sleep, binge eating.
Dealing with people exploding/unloading on me, being demanding, and giving me tasks that I felt were inappropriate (e.g. writing his/her letters of recommendation) but to which I couldn't say no.
Figuring out what to do with my life. I've felt so restless this year and frustrated with my job. Sometimes work was crazy and sometimes it was boring. Either way, I do not see the UA as my end all be all. This year I've wanted more out of life, but felt constrained by my lack of transportation and money. I've been lonely for friends and agitated in my search for life-purpose fulfillment.
2015 Successes
Going home for two weddings and introducing Mike to my family at one of them. He was nervous and stressed a lot of the time (because he wasn't working), but we managed to get him out on the dance floor a few times (thanks to an intoxicated sister ;) ). I was glad he was there and he said afterward that it was a good trip.
Taking a family road trip to Wyoming. Being in a truck with family for hours on end was actually kind of fun, and Jackson Hole was a win for everyone. I hope we can do another family trip this year.
Cycling a 68+ mile ride. I've never hated wind and being the middle of nowhere in the desert so much. I'm not going to do any hardcore cycling again for a while, though I still find hills (both up and down) exhilarating.
Earning a very nice - and very needed - promotion at the end of the year.
Building a reputation as very competent, dependable employee. We've been through a couple mini crises this year, and I'm proud of the fact that people have come to depend on me because they know I will get the job done and it will be done well.
Things I've Learned
1) Build relationships with people at work, even if it's in small ways like favors or telling jokes. This could benefit you in the future.
2) Ask for help. My job is a balancing act between serving people and letting them walk all over you. Because I can't really tell people "no," I've learned to reach out to other admins to help me accomplish a task. There are many times where we pick up each other's extra work.
3) At the same time, I've learned that there is a line. Watching people take advantage of someone who was always open to everyone and couldn't say no has shown me the toll it can take. I will not be a doormat.
4) My supervisor Maria is amazing. Her work is stressful in that she's often cleaning up the mistakes of the Chairman (he missed a meeting or didn't clear travel approval before he left) while assisting in running the department. However, she doesn't forget her admin staff in the process. She wants what is best for us and trusts us all completely. She has no desire to micromanage. Once I asked her about the gates to the research area of our department (there's a changing room there that I like to use when I bike in the morning). I mentioned that sometimes security locks it at night and then doesn't unlock it in the morning, which is frustrating for me. "You need a key!" She said. "I didn't know you didn't have one!" And there was a key for me the next day. No more questions asked. She also encourages us to grow in our careers, even if that is outside of Medical Imaging and the university. Discussions have taken place between her and individual admins about looking for work elsewhere (for monetary or other reasons). She's told me that if I ever needed to move, she would gladly provide a reference. We need to do what is best for ourselves, she says.
Little by little I've been working on adopting her mindset...being trusting and supportive of an employee as a person (not just an employee for the department) and not micromanaging. I hope to be like her if/when I become a manager.
5) I bought a 4-inch memory foam mattress topper for myself. It's made a difference for sure and I look forward to going to bed now.
Goals/Thoughts/Desires for 2016
I'm going to be working with an especially dramatic and controlling person here on out - until the end of my time at Medical Imaging most likely. My goal is to learn how to work with her without losing my mind. I think if I can do that, I can do anything.
I've started doing 30 minute workouts in the morning at home. They combine strength training (using mainly body weight) and cardio. Plyometrics is almost always involved. They've made a difference in my strength and they make me feel good. My goal is to build a habit of doing this six days a week.
I am also making a habit of reading something intellectually stimulating every day - like a journal article on science, business, health, culture. I want to be more intelligent about my world and consequently more engaged. For instance, I just read about the health and financial/political crises happening in Brazil: the first female President faces impeachment for hiding budgetary issues and a virus (Zika virus) that causes microcephaly (small heads) in babies is spreading through the country via mosquitos. On top of that, the Olympic games is due to be in Rio this summer. These are important things to know, because they could eventually affect us in the US. I'm making the decision to be more informed and exercise my brain just as I do my body.
It's been a year since I've been to the cardiologist. I might try to find a primary care doctor and get a check up on my cholesterol situation. I know my vitals all seem to be good - super low heart rate, good blood pressure. It couldn't hurt to follow up, though.
As you read here, I've decided to pursue business school instead of a car. My first goal through June is to study for the GMAT. The intensity of this exam process didn't sink in until yesterday when I was setting up a plan. I was thinking more about business school, as well, and I became afraid. I was afraid of debt, disrupting my routine, and lack of sleep. I was afraid of the competitive atmosphere and being behind everyone else. I'm not practiced to think strategically in business! I was afraid of the realization that maybe I wasn't good enough to be there. Why did I want to go to business school anyway?? How am I going to answer that question in essays, interviews, and conversations at work? I'm not panicked right now, but these are things I'm going to work out over the next few months. The thing is...the more I think about business school, the more scared I become and the more I want to go. It's an emotional tennis match. All I'm going to say is, let's get through round one of the GMAT and see how things go.
Over and out. Bring on 2016.
Saturday, December 19, 2015
The Road to Promotion
This last week was incredibly chaotic in the office. We had resident interviews, medical student exams, I had time sheet prep work and reconciliation (usually takes me a few hours due to interruptions), physicians were turning in reimbursements left and right because they found out that their accounts were going to reset at the beginning of the year, and then all the regular scheduling needed to be done...among other things. But on Wednesday at the very, very end of the day, our chief administrator asked me to come into his office. I assumed this had to do with my job situation - the position I applied for a week and half ago. I was waiting for an interview, but within a few minutes I found out that I would never get one. They skipped it and the administrator handed me my offer letter. This was ok with me. The best part, though, was the salary. It was more than I expected! It was more than I allowed myself even to hope for! A significant chunk will undoubtedly be taken out for taxes and benefits, but STILL! The possibility that I can buy a car in a year is now on the table. Once I see what I'm making, I may even be able to afford living somewhere else. I love my little house, but I'm still on someone else's property. I'd like to not live with my landlord for once.
I have to draw attention to some key factors that led to this promotion, though. My coworker who started at the same time as me received a promotion a few months ago in the same way I did - they dissolved her position and created a new one when someone else left. However, before that, she wanted a review of her work and to have a conversation about a raise with our superiors. However, it was like pulling teeth. She had such a hard time getting anyone to talk to her. She started looking for other positions because she needed to earn more - she just had a baby and she and her husband bought a house. However, when the new position came up for her, she had to go through an interview. It seems she had to push her way through to get attention. I, on the other hand, almost had the opposite experience: I applied and people in my department said, "Process the paperwork now so we can get going!"
A few months back, I received a tiny raise (about $30 extra per paycheck) when I took on several duties from other people. I was disappointed. Should I have negotiated? Some will say so, but I don't think it would have made a difference. This time around when Norma left, though, doctors wanted input on what was going to happen next with the staff. The situation was in my favor. I didn't cry to my supervisor or the chief administrator about wanting a raise. I did talk one of the doctors about my goals, however, and I found out our accountant was pulling for a higher salary for me. In the end, my supervisor, the accountant, and one of the doctors were all speaking repeatedly on my behalf to give me the salary I received...and to give it quickly.
Why did this happen? Why did my coworker and I have such different experiences? Maybe it was a difference in personality - she's quiet, but she comes out and tells people what she wants. I'm quiet, but I have trouble being open like that. Another possibility - the real reason in my opinion - is the fact that I work directly with many people in the office. I'm the one they see and of whom they ask questions. My coworker has her own office in another area and is physically isolated. Direct interaction matters in building relationships, and people help get you places. I think this is where my coworker's campaign fell short, and the timing wasn't there at the beginning. I felt fortunate that I happened to be in the place I was. This wasn't by mistake - I chose to be among the faculty because I liked being interactive. But I didn't realize then that it would help me advance in the future. In the end, both of us received what we wanted, but knowing people can make the path easier.
I have to draw attention to some key factors that led to this promotion, though. My coworker who started at the same time as me received a promotion a few months ago in the same way I did - they dissolved her position and created a new one when someone else left. However, before that, she wanted a review of her work and to have a conversation about a raise with our superiors. However, it was like pulling teeth. She had such a hard time getting anyone to talk to her. She started looking for other positions because she needed to earn more - she just had a baby and she and her husband bought a house. However, when the new position came up for her, she had to go through an interview. It seems she had to push her way through to get attention. I, on the other hand, almost had the opposite experience: I applied and people in my department said, "Process the paperwork now so we can get going!"
A few months back, I received a tiny raise (about $30 extra per paycheck) when I took on several duties from other people. I was disappointed. Should I have negotiated? Some will say so, but I don't think it would have made a difference. This time around when Norma left, though, doctors wanted input on what was going to happen next with the staff. The situation was in my favor. I didn't cry to my supervisor or the chief administrator about wanting a raise. I did talk one of the doctors about my goals, however, and I found out our accountant was pulling for a higher salary for me. In the end, my supervisor, the accountant, and one of the doctors were all speaking repeatedly on my behalf to give me the salary I received...and to give it quickly.
Why did this happen? Why did my coworker and I have such different experiences? Maybe it was a difference in personality - she's quiet, but she comes out and tells people what she wants. I'm quiet, but I have trouble being open like that. Another possibility - the real reason in my opinion - is the fact that I work directly with many people in the office. I'm the one they see and of whom they ask questions. My coworker has her own office in another area and is physically isolated. Direct interaction matters in building relationships, and people help get you places. I think this is where my coworker's campaign fell short, and the timing wasn't there at the beginning. I felt fortunate that I happened to be in the place I was. This wasn't by mistake - I chose to be among the faculty because I liked being interactive. But I didn't realize then that it would help me advance in the future. In the end, both of us received what we wanted, but knowing people can make the path easier.
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
Curiosity, Not Passion
Elizabeth Gilbert gave a TED talk in which she said to "follow your curiosity" instead of your passion. Following your passion, she said, puts pressure on you to choose one thing to "love" and pursue it. However, in reality, many of us have several things we enjoy. Following curiosity takes that pressure off: you don't have to love something to wonder about it and tinker with it. Furthermore, if you decide to pursue something else, you don't feel like you're "breaking up" with your "passion." I very much agree with this logic: why put pressure on yourself to find your ONE TRUE LOVE when you could instead spend your life seeking answers to all your questions? Some of those questions might stay in one subject for a few hours or a few years, but it's up to where your muse takes you and it's no big deal if the interest doesn't hang around.
Here's a recent personal example: on Monday, I had a conversation with my supervisor about cycling. I was telling her about my ride and she said I must have a passion for it. I thought for a moment and said, "No, not really. It's just something I do. I like to go fast, but I'm also just curious...I wonder if I can go further or climb that hill." "But deep down," she said, "you must have a passion that drives you." I shrugged. It was funny; she was trying to convince me I had a passion and I was trying to convince her I didn't. Right now, cycling is one of my curiosities. I like learning about the effectiveness of body positioning and gripping, some mechanics of the bicycle itself, and my own abilities when I push myself for long distances or uphill. However, I don't love cycling. I don't have an attachment to it or a burning desire to race around outside. I started doing it because I have a bike instead of a car, and when I do get a car, I'd like to try other sports. If cycling falls off the radar, then that's the way it goes. If it hangs around, so be it. Regardless, I prefer not choose a passion, but rather follow my curiosity. It lets me focus on learning instead of defining myself.
Here's a recent personal example: on Monday, I had a conversation with my supervisor about cycling. I was telling her about my ride and she said I must have a passion for it. I thought for a moment and said, "No, not really. It's just something I do. I like to go fast, but I'm also just curious...I wonder if I can go further or climb that hill." "But deep down," she said, "you must have a passion that drives you." I shrugged. It was funny; she was trying to convince me I had a passion and I was trying to convince her I didn't. Right now, cycling is one of my curiosities. I like learning about the effectiveness of body positioning and gripping, some mechanics of the bicycle itself, and my own abilities when I push myself for long distances or uphill. However, I don't love cycling. I don't have an attachment to it or a burning desire to race around outside. I started doing it because I have a bike instead of a car, and when I do get a car, I'd like to try other sports. If cycling falls off the radar, then that's the way it goes. If it hangs around, so be it. Regardless, I prefer not choose a passion, but rather follow my curiosity. It lets me focus on learning instead of defining myself.
Saturday, July 11, 2015
Mating in Captivity: Negotiating Intimacy and Desire & Personal Take-Aways
I began reading Mating in Captivity hoping to learn the role of sex in long-term relationships, apart from procreation. I wanted to understand how it fueled marital conflict and how this conflict could be resolved...or even avoided. While reading, though, I discovered the answers to my questions were complex. The author and psychotherapist, Esther Perel, does not give the reader definitive responses, but instead opens the discussion to a big-picture view. She discusses culture and history...the things that mold our perceptions of sex, relationships, and ourselves. So while I was expecting an expert's opinion on relationship dynamics, I found something more beautifully complex - a window into the cultural and psychological shaping of human sexuality.
The main thesis of this book is that intimacy and desire are needed for a fulfilling relationship, but they require contradicting circumstances. Perel states that intimacy needs closeness, but desire needs distance. Intimacy is important because it creates stability: knowing each other allows you function better as a unit. It's also the "caring" part of the relationship - putting someone else before yourself (nurturing them, being responsible for them, etc.). Desire, however, is what keeps a couple romantically interested in each other. It comes from the unknown and the anticipation of what will come. For some couples, this thesis may not be correct. Knowing each other more may create more desire, which is great. Yet there are many who find themselves frustrated because the "flame" has died. For these couples, Perel does not offer a single solution for reconciling desire and intimacy, because there isn't one. However, they can be managed according to each unique relationship, and it comes down to negotiating distance (physical, emotional, and verbal).
In discussing the negotiation between intimacy and desire, Perel brings up numerous points regarding sex and sexuality within society and within oneself. I decided to talk about just a few that impacted the way I thought about relationships and myself.
1) A Person for a Village
In cultures where three generations live under one roof and/or communities are close-knit (everyone knows everyone's business), achieving intimacy isn't an issue. Everyone is probably close enough. However, in our modern American culture, we have an ability to communicate without actually seeing each other. As beneficial as this is, the lack of physical presence may leave us longing for intimacy more than any other generation. Then, when we find a partner, we are at risk for putting too many expectations on that person: to provide stability, excitement, sexual fulfillment, counsel, and friendship...essentially take on multiple and contradictory roles. It is possible for someone to do this in bits and pieces, but one cannot expect a person to fulfill his/her partner completely. When trying to fill the intimacy void goes too far, it could make people needy and/or controlling and also lead to much disappointment.
This point struck me because it shows how some problems in relationships extend beyond the couple...they are results of the culture, not simply the individuals involved. Perel doesn't offer an answer for working around this specifically, but in my life, I'm trying to open my network more to fill the lack of intimacy. Instead of turning only to my significant other, I try to spend more time with friends and talk to my family. When I need to process things and no one is available to talk, I go for a long bike ride. I search for small ways to meet my needs that aren't dependent on my partner. It isn't easy, and sometimes I have to let a need go unmet. However, I try to be conscious of the fact that there are two people in my relationship and that we can't do and be everything for each other.
2) Eroticism as a Map
I used to view eroticism as a repulsive concept - it was vulgar and indecent. Disgusting. While reading this book, I learned I was not alone in my belief...and that I was also incredibly misinformed.
Eroticism is sexual desire, but it's layered and complicated. When you investigate another person's desire (or maybe your own) you find a map of the psyche. Erotic fantasies - no matter how simple or complex - can reveal the way a person perceives himself, how she balances power between her and society, and how he was loved and/or hurt in the past (by individuals or society at large). Erotic fantasies are attached to some of our deepest vulnerabilities, and being able to express them is a way to experience freedom. In fantasies, we are able to go against what is expected of us and be in control of our environment. Demonstrating them to another puts the person in a vulnerable situation. However, if welcomed, it can correct a personal imbalance and satisfy a mental need. Why sex is the vehicle for experiencing this kind of freedom, I'm not sure. Maybe because it's the one thing about our human nature that is most stifled in public. I no longer see eroticism as something that should be suppressed, but rather as a means to better understand one's history and needs, as well as a way to escape cultural pressures and expectations. One could even say it has a healing quality...maybe Marvin Gaye was onto something...
3) Sexual Make Up
In order to understand where a couple's issues take root, Esther Perel has to unfold her clients' histories. She explores the family, religious, and cultural dynamics in their childhoods. Reading these accounts, of course, made me reflect on the role sex has played in the course of my life. For most of it - I'm sad to say - I've held negative and restrictive views of intercourse and eroticism, and only over the past two years have I been unpacking them and their origins. I never realized how much they affected me...the way I interacted with and viewed other people and, more importantly, the way I felt about myself...as a growing, maturing person. There has been a lot of internal pain by trying to keep myself "safe" and within the lines. I've probably perpetuated that pain in others, as well. I tried to pinpoint where my views came from and how they developed, but the truth is they are built into the system in which I live - government, education, religion, and the influence of family and friends. I understand that institutions are in place to keep sex from being misused, but I wish I had been taught differently. I was directly told that "yes, yes, sex is a beautiful and good thing if kept within ____ boundaries and under ____ conditions." However, indirectly, the more powerful message that stayed with me was that it caused problems, it was sinful, and it needed to be contained. I've felt the consequences of this message, and yet I can't blame anyone for it. Tradition is a powerful force and many people pass things along in the best interests of others, especially their children.
Many of us think of sexuality and sex as adult concepts, but it is with us from birth. We are sexual beings even as children, and how people teach us about sex affects our self-esteem, the way we perceive, and how we perform everyday functions. Between two people, sex creates life, but within an individual, sex (hormones, organs, fantasy) lets a person live. Even if a person never sleeps with someone else, sex is still a building block of his/her life. I am just sad that so much shame and stigma is attached to it.
While the primary purpose of Mating in Captivity is to help couples balance intimacy and excitement, it goes beyond offering suggestions for issues on the surface. Esther Perel helps her readers understand that managing the balance means knowing yourself, your personal history, and your culture. The unspoken rules our society maintains, the ideals we come to believe, and our childhood experiences play as much of a role in our relationships as do complimentary values, habits, and attractive features. Beyond self exploration, she invites you to experiment with your relationship...communicate in different ways or change the direction of your daily energy. Mating in Captivity won't gain favor with everyone, because some of the ideas Perel brings up are against the grain (even I didn't agree with all of them). However, the multicultural perspectives she brings to the table are worth reading. I hope they catch on in the United States...for the sake of the mental and physical health of our people.
The main thesis of this book is that intimacy and desire are needed for a fulfilling relationship, but they require contradicting circumstances. Perel states that intimacy needs closeness, but desire needs distance. Intimacy is important because it creates stability: knowing each other allows you function better as a unit. It's also the "caring" part of the relationship - putting someone else before yourself (nurturing them, being responsible for them, etc.). Desire, however, is what keeps a couple romantically interested in each other. It comes from the unknown and the anticipation of what will come. For some couples, this thesis may not be correct. Knowing each other more may create more desire, which is great. Yet there are many who find themselves frustrated because the "flame" has died. For these couples, Perel does not offer a single solution for reconciling desire and intimacy, because there isn't one. However, they can be managed according to each unique relationship, and it comes down to negotiating distance (physical, emotional, and verbal).
In discussing the negotiation between intimacy and desire, Perel brings up numerous points regarding sex and sexuality within society and within oneself. I decided to talk about just a few that impacted the way I thought about relationships and myself.
1) A Person for a Village
In cultures where three generations live under one roof and/or communities are close-knit (everyone knows everyone's business), achieving intimacy isn't an issue. Everyone is probably close enough. However, in our modern American culture, we have an ability to communicate without actually seeing each other. As beneficial as this is, the lack of physical presence may leave us longing for intimacy more than any other generation. Then, when we find a partner, we are at risk for putting too many expectations on that person: to provide stability, excitement, sexual fulfillment, counsel, and friendship...essentially take on multiple and contradictory roles. It is possible for someone to do this in bits and pieces, but one cannot expect a person to fulfill his/her partner completely. When trying to fill the intimacy void goes too far, it could make people needy and/or controlling and also lead to much disappointment.
This point struck me because it shows how some problems in relationships extend beyond the couple...they are results of the culture, not simply the individuals involved. Perel doesn't offer an answer for working around this specifically, but in my life, I'm trying to open my network more to fill the lack of intimacy. Instead of turning only to my significant other, I try to spend more time with friends and talk to my family. When I need to process things and no one is available to talk, I go for a long bike ride. I search for small ways to meet my needs that aren't dependent on my partner. It isn't easy, and sometimes I have to let a need go unmet. However, I try to be conscious of the fact that there are two people in my relationship and that we can't do and be everything for each other.
2) Eroticism as a Map
I used to view eroticism as a repulsive concept - it was vulgar and indecent. Disgusting. While reading this book, I learned I was not alone in my belief...and that I was also incredibly misinformed.
Eroticism is sexual desire, but it's layered and complicated. When you investigate another person's desire (or maybe your own) you find a map of the psyche. Erotic fantasies - no matter how simple or complex - can reveal the way a person perceives himself, how she balances power between her and society, and how he was loved and/or hurt in the past (by individuals or society at large). Erotic fantasies are attached to some of our deepest vulnerabilities, and being able to express them is a way to experience freedom. In fantasies, we are able to go against what is expected of us and be in control of our environment. Demonstrating them to another puts the person in a vulnerable situation. However, if welcomed, it can correct a personal imbalance and satisfy a mental need. Why sex is the vehicle for experiencing this kind of freedom, I'm not sure. Maybe because it's the one thing about our human nature that is most stifled in public. I no longer see eroticism as something that should be suppressed, but rather as a means to better understand one's history and needs, as well as a way to escape cultural pressures and expectations. One could even say it has a healing quality...maybe Marvin Gaye was onto something...
3) Sexual Make Up
In order to understand where a couple's issues take root, Esther Perel has to unfold her clients' histories. She explores the family, religious, and cultural dynamics in their childhoods. Reading these accounts, of course, made me reflect on the role sex has played in the course of my life. For most of it - I'm sad to say - I've held negative and restrictive views of intercourse and eroticism, and only over the past two years have I been unpacking them and their origins. I never realized how much they affected me...the way I interacted with and viewed other people and, more importantly, the way I felt about myself...as a growing, maturing person. There has been a lot of internal pain by trying to keep myself "safe" and within the lines. I've probably perpetuated that pain in others, as well. I tried to pinpoint where my views came from and how they developed, but the truth is they are built into the system in which I live - government, education, religion, and the influence of family and friends. I understand that institutions are in place to keep sex from being misused, but I wish I had been taught differently. I was directly told that "yes, yes, sex is a beautiful and good thing if kept within ____ boundaries and under ____ conditions." However, indirectly, the more powerful message that stayed with me was that it caused problems, it was sinful, and it needed to be contained. I've felt the consequences of this message, and yet I can't blame anyone for it. Tradition is a powerful force and many people pass things along in the best interests of others, especially their children.
Many of us think of sexuality and sex as adult concepts, but it is with us from birth. We are sexual beings even as children, and how people teach us about sex affects our self-esteem, the way we perceive, and how we perform everyday functions. Between two people, sex creates life, but within an individual, sex (hormones, organs, fantasy) lets a person live. Even if a person never sleeps with someone else, sex is still a building block of his/her life. I am just sad that so much shame and stigma is attached to it.
While the primary purpose of Mating in Captivity is to help couples balance intimacy and excitement, it goes beyond offering suggestions for issues on the surface. Esther Perel helps her readers understand that managing the balance means knowing yourself, your personal history, and your culture. The unspoken rules our society maintains, the ideals we come to believe, and our childhood experiences play as much of a role in our relationships as do complimentary values, habits, and attractive features. Beyond self exploration, she invites you to experiment with your relationship...communicate in different ways or change the direction of your daily energy. Mating in Captivity won't gain favor with everyone, because some of the ideas Perel brings up are against the grain (even I didn't agree with all of them). However, the multicultural perspectives she brings to the table are worth reading. I hope they catch on in the United States...for the sake of the mental and physical health of our people.
Saturday, February 7, 2015
Perpetual Darkness
I have been contemplating pain and transgressions lately. Many people strive to live free of these things: to do as little wrong and hurt/be hurt by as few people or things as possible. However, it is difficult to escape either completely. Sometimes we are the one committing the act and sometimes we are the receiver. I've noticed that after one experiences pain or commits a wrongdoing, a shadow is cast over him. His world becomes tinted and his views a little darker. Pain and wrongdoing, however, have degrees and therefore varying levels of darkness: the worse the affliction, the darker the shadow.
Yet I've also observed something interesting happen when people learn from their darkness. It never goes away - because it occurred in time - but instead of hovering over someone and clouding her view, it attaches to her and casts off in a different direction. It reminds me of a 3D object: the shadow becomes a part of the object itself and gives it depth.
I have found that my own pain and the pain of others - if we learn from it - makes us wiser. It makes us more knowledgable and gives us deeper insight to our humanity, because we actually experience the workings of our brain and body, i.e. the ruling of logic, emotion, adrenaline, hormones, and reflexes. Up until the point of living an event, we are ignorant of it or we've only heard it mentioned. But when it happens, we see, touch, and taste this knowledge...whether we want to or not.
For better or for worse, I find myself drawn to those who have endured some kind of significant pain in their lives and have grown to become better people because of it. In my experience, many of them show they are more capable of understanding or show more empathy than those whose pain experience is relatively light. Of course, I do not wish suffering on anyone. I want people to be happy and live well. However, I cannot deny the insight that comes with adversity nor the greater depth with darker, everlasting shadows. This brings me to a question: is it better to be blissfully ignorant or scarred and aware? Is the knowledge worth the darkness?
Thursday, January 1, 2015
Amy's Year in Review 2014
I enjoy looking over my life at the beginning of the New Year. It makes the time I spent living worth my while, by recognizing all I've learned and how much I've changed. Below is my list of Things I've Learned, Accomplishments, and Desires for 2015. To be honest, I don't know if the things I've learned in 2014 were actually during 2014 or if they were some time before that, but I think they're important so they're listed.
Things I've Learned
1) No human feeling is unique: everyone can experience the same emotions (on varying levels), and it is possible to feel a strong emotion repeatedly. This includes love. This year, I had a tough time changing my mindset from the idea that love is unique and highly exclusive to that it is common and shared. The truth is, we can love deeply more than once and we love many people throughout our lives. While I kind of knew this from my relationships with friends and family members, being in a close relationship with someone else made the lesson stark: I had to understand that I am a part of a person's life, not the part. That was a tough pill to swallow ("What?! You mean I'm not the only person you've ever cared about?") However, while I've learned that love itself is common, I've also learned that what comes from love is special: the family you create, the lessons you learn about yourself, and the places it takes you.
2) Talking is better than walking. I am a person who tends to cut things off and be done with them when they aren't working out. I've discovered that it's worth communicating your issues/feelings before walking out, especially if the other person wants to meet you half way.
3) Be able to justify your actions. It's a really great feeling when someone calls you out on a "mistake" and you're able to list solid, logical reasons why you did what you did.
4) You look better when you admit to a mistake than when you try to cover it up. Yes, people want something done in a timely fashion, but - at the core of the issue - they want it done right. Asking for help when you don't know is key.
5) You're given "dumb" passes in life (people forgive you when you do something stupid), but they're limited - try not to use them all up at once.
6) Learn how to fix what you mess up, because messing up is a given.
7) Sometimes you can't fix everything, though, and you have let time do the work. We all have people who won't forgive us, items that we've caught on fire and will never get back, and money (ours or someone else's) that we've tossed out the window...I think there's a specific "dumb pass" for that...Regardless, we just have to hope time will heal all emotional wreckage.
8) My body and physical ambitions have changed. In my early 20s, I thought I had figured out the "formula" to get my body the way I wanted it. Now, however, I'm no longer in that stage of post-adolescent-but-still-have-adolescent-body-functionings, and that formula doesn't work anymore. My body responds differently to food than it used to. I'm also less tolerant of being hungry and I don't have the same fascination with body mechanics anymore (aka I'm not ok with eating only a handful of food for a meal and gyms don't stimulate me like they used to). The resulting physical change has been difficult for me to deal with and I have a feeling life isn't going to be generous as I get older. I'm not giving up, but I'm also learning acceptance...
9) "Finding myself" is over. Thank. Goodness. I no longer look at each opportunity like, "THIS IS WHO I AM AND WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE DOING WITH MY LIFE!" I have a complicated web of interests, but none of them are attached to my identity. I regard the "finding self" stage as the mental puberty of early adulthood: I had to go through it to solidify my identity, but I'm glad it's over.
10) Movies can engage a person intellectually on a deeper level than I expected. They can make you reflect upon your own morals, goals, and thinking patterns. They make you question society. This deeper thinking thing was a pleasant surprise for me. I thought you could only get it - truly - from books.
Accomplishments
Obtained a full-time job with benefits that pays me almost enough to live on (parents still help a little).
Found an apartment that only I live in. Sweet Jesus, I didn't think I'd see the day.
Read several books and watched many tv shows and movies. Who's culturally engaged ??-->>> this one!
Maintained a healthy relationship for over a year (personal record! victory dance!).
Desires/Things to Accomplish for 2015
I'm used to being broke around Christmas and not doing much. This year, I wasn't broke but I did not plan well. I felt like a scrooge when unexpected gifts were left on my desk at work and in my mailbox at home. Next year, I want to be more active about preparing for the holidays (Christmas shopping will happen and cards will be made ahead of time) and appreciate the celebrating on a religious level. I also want an Advent calendar and Jesse tree. Seriously, what's more fun than opening a tiny box every day for a month, pulling out a gift/ornament, and reading an accompanying story? Lots of things, I know, but it's still pretty great.
I want an art project and art skills! I can already see many of you slapping your foreheads - you probably remember the artistic attempts of Summer 2013? Well, I'm back to it again. Right now, the only thing on my list is a kinetic typography video. I'm hoping to have two more projects this year (cards don't count).
Professionally? I'd like to start doing more with communications. I'm going to push to help with the department newsletter and website more. Truth be told, I envy the BioComm department upstairs. I'm sure their lives are filled with tedious work, but I would love some of their technical and creative skill sets.
I struggled with my religion in 2014. I was barely going to Mass once a week, and I developed some riffs with Catholicism. I went as far as looking into various Protestant churches around the city, because I wasn't feeling like I fit in as a Catholic anymore. However, after I went to one such service, I left feeling empty. I immediately missed the richness of the Catholic church, its rituals, and its structure. I like ritual and structure, and I was very appreciative of the next Mass I attended. However, who's to say this couldn't happen again? Therefore, this year I want to read about and engage more with my faith: to start, four books on Catholicism/Christianity.
Health...I'm just keeping on keeping on. Maybe exercise a little more.
I want a group of friends...like from a club I join or something. I don't know if that will happen this year because I can already see myself being very busy. However, I think friends would be a positive addition to my life.
All right, so that is that for 2015. Lots of good stuff happened in 2014, so let's hope that goodness keeps rolling! Do you have any goals for this year or anything you learned from last year that you want to share? If so, please leave a comment or send me a message. Best to you all for 2015!
Things I've Learned
1) No human feeling is unique: everyone can experience the same emotions (on varying levels), and it is possible to feel a strong emotion repeatedly. This includes love. This year, I had a tough time changing my mindset from the idea that love is unique and highly exclusive to that it is common and shared. The truth is, we can love deeply more than once and we love many people throughout our lives. While I kind of knew this from my relationships with friends and family members, being in a close relationship with someone else made the lesson stark: I had to understand that I am a part of a person's life, not the part. That was a tough pill to swallow ("What?! You mean I'm not the only person you've ever cared about?") However, while I've learned that love itself is common, I've also learned that what comes from love is special: the family you create, the lessons you learn about yourself, and the places it takes you.
2) Talking is better than walking. I am a person who tends to cut things off and be done with them when they aren't working out. I've discovered that it's worth communicating your issues/feelings before walking out, especially if the other person wants to meet you half way.
3) Be able to justify your actions. It's a really great feeling when someone calls you out on a "mistake" and you're able to list solid, logical reasons why you did what you did.
4) You look better when you admit to a mistake than when you try to cover it up. Yes, people want something done in a timely fashion, but - at the core of the issue - they want it done right. Asking for help when you don't know is key.
5) You're given "dumb" passes in life (people forgive you when you do something stupid), but they're limited - try not to use them all up at once.
6) Learn how to fix what you mess up, because messing up is a given.
7) Sometimes you can't fix everything, though, and you have let time do the work. We all have people who won't forgive us, items that we've caught on fire and will never get back, and money (ours or someone else's) that we've tossed out the window...I think there's a specific "dumb pass" for that...Regardless, we just have to hope time will heal all emotional wreckage.
8) My body and physical ambitions have changed. In my early 20s, I thought I had figured out the "formula" to get my body the way I wanted it. Now, however, I'm no longer in that stage of post-adolescent-but-still-have-adolescent-body-functionings, and that formula doesn't work anymore. My body responds differently to food than it used to. I'm also less tolerant of being hungry and I don't have the same fascination with body mechanics anymore (aka I'm not ok with eating only a handful of food for a meal and gyms don't stimulate me like they used to). The resulting physical change has been difficult for me to deal with and I have a feeling life isn't going to be generous as I get older. I'm not giving up, but I'm also learning acceptance...
9) "Finding myself" is over. Thank. Goodness. I no longer look at each opportunity like, "THIS IS WHO I AM AND WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE DOING WITH MY LIFE!" I have a complicated web of interests, but none of them are attached to my identity. I regard the "finding self" stage as the mental puberty of early adulthood: I had to go through it to solidify my identity, but I'm glad it's over.
10) Movies can engage a person intellectually on a deeper level than I expected. They can make you reflect upon your own morals, goals, and thinking patterns. They make you question society. This deeper thinking thing was a pleasant surprise for me. I thought you could only get it - truly - from books.
Accomplishments
Obtained a full-time job with benefits that pays me almost enough to live on (parents still help a little).
Found an apartment that only I live in. Sweet Jesus, I didn't think I'd see the day.
Read several books and watched many tv shows and movies. Who's culturally engaged ??-->>> this one!
Maintained a healthy relationship for over a year (personal record! victory dance!).
Desires/Things to Accomplish for 2015
I'm used to being broke around Christmas and not doing much. This year, I wasn't broke but I did not plan well. I felt like a scrooge when unexpected gifts were left on my desk at work and in my mailbox at home. Next year, I want to be more active about preparing for the holidays (Christmas shopping will happen and cards will be made ahead of time) and appreciate the celebrating on a religious level. I also want an Advent calendar and Jesse tree. Seriously, what's more fun than opening a tiny box every day for a month, pulling out a gift/ornament, and reading an accompanying story? Lots of things, I know, but it's still pretty great.
I want an art project and art skills! I can already see many of you slapping your foreheads - you probably remember the artistic attempts of Summer 2013? Well, I'm back to it again. Right now, the only thing on my list is a kinetic typography video. I'm hoping to have two more projects this year (cards don't count).
Professionally? I'd like to start doing more with communications. I'm going to push to help with the department newsletter and website more. Truth be told, I envy the BioComm department upstairs. I'm sure their lives are filled with tedious work, but I would love some of their technical and creative skill sets.
I struggled with my religion in 2014. I was barely going to Mass once a week, and I developed some riffs with Catholicism. I went as far as looking into various Protestant churches around the city, because I wasn't feeling like I fit in as a Catholic anymore. However, after I went to one such service, I left feeling empty. I immediately missed the richness of the Catholic church, its rituals, and its structure. I like ritual and structure, and I was very appreciative of the next Mass I attended. However, who's to say this couldn't happen again? Therefore, this year I want to read about and engage more with my faith: to start, four books on Catholicism/Christianity.
Health...I'm just keeping on keeping on. Maybe exercise a little more.
I want a group of friends...like from a club I join or something. I don't know if that will happen this year because I can already see myself being very busy. However, I think friends would be a positive addition to my life.
All right, so that is that for 2015. Lots of good stuff happened in 2014, so let's hope that goodness keeps rolling! Do you have any goals for this year or anything you learned from last year that you want to share? If so, please leave a comment or send me a message. Best to you all for 2015!
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