Engagement

Fourth of July is hot in Arizona. Every year I think it would be great to go out and see fireworks and every year I remember how unappealing it is to sit in 95-100 degree temperatures at 9:30pm. Not only that, but if you go down town, you have to bring chairs and walk a quarter mile from the car to where you want to sit. Ibrahim and I decided to stay home and try to watch fireworks from the roof. We could see a couple shows happening around the city, though all were far away and partially concealed by trees. But we had a comfortable camping pad to sit/lounge on and we could still see some cool explosions. Around 9:45, I started to get tired and said, “Ok, it’s time for bed.” Ibrahim said, “Wait, before we go to bed, you still need to do something.” I was confused…I did laundry, packed my lunch, didn’t leave any of my usual messes around… “Brush my teeth? Take a shower?” I asked. “Put on your slippers,” he said. “Go look at that skylight.” I got up and walked toward it. Now remember, there are some lights from the streets and people’s homes, but it’s still pretty dark. I went to the skylight and saw a black something. It looked like a mouse, but it wasn’t moving. I had no idea what Ibrahim was trying to pull, but I wasn’t getting any closer to it. Ibrahim finally came over, picked it up, and handed it to me. It was a velvet pouch. The next few minutes were a whirlwind. As I opened it and pulled out a heart-shaped ring box, he said, “Even though it is independence day,” Ibrahim asked, “Amy, would you give up your independence and marry me?” Of course I said yes. I couldn’t quite believe it, though. My head was spinning. I felt completely overwhelmed. I wasn’t expecting this. I knew Ibrahim would propose someday, but I thought that would be next year, honestly, in 2018 sometime. I also thought the proposal would be different…maybe more public…or in a different location…like we would take a drive somewhere, have dinner. But proposing here and now…I wasn’t expecting it. I felt unprepared. For the rest of the evening, my mind was in a state of bewilderment, disappointment, and shock. I wasn’t the “happiest person in the world.” Actually, aside from the details of the proposal itself, being engaged suddenly scared me. I had to wear this ring now that would declare my status to everyone. That’s the point, right? To show off? I didn’t want to show off. I didn’t want to wear anything. The fact that my life was changing right now became real to me. Don’t misunderstand…soon after we started dating I figured I would marry Ibrahim. He is a wonderful boyfriend. He does all my dishes and lets me eat his pasta, even after I told him I didn’t want any when he was making it. I love our life together and couldn’t imagine being with anyone else. I saw myself growing old with him. But holding a ring in my hand was kind of daunting. I just became engaged and I was not loving it. What was wrong with me? Back inside, I felt awkward. I didn’t know what to say or feel. I was just confused.  

Nevertheless, I carried my ring to work with me in its heart-shaped box and little pouch. I couldn’t wear it yet because it was too big. But I would pull it out when no one else was around and look at it. He bought this for me. Even if I could wear it, I wasn't ready. I just wasn't ready.

We took my ring in to get resized and you could see other couples around picking rings. I felt weird. My ring size, by the way, is 3.5. Ibrahim couldn’t believe it was that small.

 Over the next several days, I felt all sorts of things: happy, scared, anxious, excited, worried, bewildered, denial. I even cried once. Ibrahim later told friends that he could see I was in shock: I sort of walked around the house in a daze.

Aside from being engaged, the idea of planning a wedding was WAY more than I could handle. I’d get panic moments at work: What do I do? How much will this cost? Where will it be? Don’t these things have color schemes? Do I have to have bridesmaids? I don’t think I have any good enough friends to be bridesmaids. Wedding became the "W" word and I would freeze up anytime Ibrahim or I mentioned it.  

Finally, the following Saturday night, I needed to talk about what was going on and what we were getting ourselves into. Ibrahim and I have talked about things here and since we started dating, but I wanted to nail things down. We had a long conversation about what marriage meant to each of us, our fundamental beliefs, children, and dancing. I wanted to know that we were on the same page, and for anything where we weren’t, how we anticipated dealing with those differences. We also talked about how we could potentially change in the future. In the end, we aligned well on a lot of things. We both wanted a permanent life partner, and we wanted to marry each other because we worked well as a team and we enjoyed being with each other. Personally, I love that Ibrahim allows me to be me, accepts it, and wants to be a part of my life. He has demonstrated that from the beginning – going out of his way just so he can be present in my day-to-day happenings. I also love how he keeps me calm. I tend to worry a lot and he’s always saying, “It’s going to be ok! Don’t worry!”

 I felt a lot better after our conversation and was ready to announce our engagement. I wasn't sure whether or not I wanted to tell anyone besides my family. You’re throwing a big chunk of your personal life out into the open, into the wild. Who knows how things will go over? 

I think my family was as shocked as I was when I texted them. Maybe a little more. None of them have met Ibrahim. Heather and Christine congratulated me. My dad was brief. My mom couldn't get the message. Eventually I was able to call my mom a few hours later and talk to her. She sounded cautious and skeptical, but was also supportive and positive at the same time. She probably figured there wasn't much for her to say or do. When I called my dad a little later, he admitted he was shocked. Both my mom, my dad, and Brenda (Evan even made a vocal appearance) chatted with Ibrahim for a little while. I think this was everyone’s first real conversation with him. Neither my dad nor Brenda had ever spoken to him before. It seemed to go over alright.

 I wasn't going to post any photos of my ring, because I hate it when women do that: show off their hand in any way possible. Of course, though, my mom asked for one, so I made Ibrahim take one with me. We fumbled around for a good shot and finally settled on one that looked Arizona-ish and was in focus. Then I posted it on Facebook. I debated doing this. I wasn't feeling particularly joyful. However, I rationalized that everyone has his/her moment to announce an engagement, and this was mine. Instead of people finding out piecemeal and watering down the experience, I might as well open the floodgates, have my moment, and hope it turned out ok. The response was overwhelming. People were "liking," reacting, and commenting every few seconds. People I haven't talked to in years were congratulating me.

 In contrast to my parents, people from our Tucson dance community were excited right away. These people see us on a weekly (sometimes daily) basis and would exclaim, “Congratulations! You guys are so great together!! This is really great news!” It was encouraging. I'm glad it seemed like a good idea to some people besides us.

I told a few coworkers the next day, but let everyone else discover my ring for themselves. I was still getting used to the idea. Now – a few weeks in – I’ve started to forget I have it on. I was pointing out some edits on a letter for a doctor and he said, “Did you get engaged?” I said yes and he responded, “Well, congratulations. I just kept seeing something flashing in my eyes!” Oh…heh.

 I feel much more comfortable with the idea of getting married now. I think my family and other people have had time to let the idea settle in, and now everyone is looking forward to a wedding, which still stresses me out. Sometimes I want to say, “Forget it! We’re going to get married by ourselves, plus a couple of witnesses.” But I think I would feel like I missed out if I didn’t have a wedding celebration with my family and friends. I just don’t know what I’m going to do. Everyone says, “You have time, don’t worry.” But you don’t…you need to book a year in advance sometimes. That means decisions need to be made MORE than a year in advance. I also have to figure out how much we can afford to spend. I don’t care about the details of party favors or invitations. I don’t think I’ll even have them. Maybe I’ll get one made for a scrapbook, one made for my mom, and one made for my dad. Done. Everything else is electronic. Facebook invitations. I care mostly about the dance party and having a bunch of people there.

 Back to marriage, though…I used to think it was risky marrying someone you knew for a year or less. You needed at least two-three years to know. However, I dated someone for three years and I was skeptical about a future with him for a lot of the time. I wanted us to work, but that was different from having evidence that it would. With Ibrahim, I could see early on that we would work well together. I think a large part of that was because he wanted a future together, and he showed that he wanted it every day. I now believe that when you find the right person – regardless of how long you’ve known each other - you will know he/she is the right person. Then, if you’re at a point in life when marriage makes sense (or if you just want it!), you should go for it. That’s where I am – I’ve finally found my person, my other half – and I’m excited for our adventures to come.

Mating in Captivity: Negotiating Intimacy and Desire & Personal Take-Aways

I began reading Mating in Captivity hoping to learn the role of sex in long-term relationships, apart from procreation. I wanted to understand how it fueled marital conflict and how this conflict could be resolved...or even avoided. While reading, though, I discovered the answers to my questions were complex. The author and psychotherapist, Esther Perel, does not give the reader definitive responses, but instead opens the discussion to a big-picture view. She discusses culture and history...the things that mold our perceptions of sex, relationships, and ourselves. So while I was expecting an expert's opinion on relationship dynamics, I found something more beautifully complex - a window into the cultural and psychological shaping of human sexuality.

The main thesis of this book is that intimacy and desire are needed for a fulfilling relationship, but they require contradicting circumstances. Perel states that intimacy needs closeness, but desire needs distance. Intimacy is important because it creates stability: knowing each other allows you function better as a unit. It's also the "caring" part of the relationship - putting someone else before yourself (nurturing them, being responsible for them, etc.). Desire, however, is what keeps a couple romantically interested in each other. It comes from the unknown and the anticipation of what will come. For some couples, this thesis may not be correct. Knowing each other more may create more desire, which is great. Yet there are many who find themselves frustrated because the "flame" has died. For these couples, Perel does not offer a single solution for reconciling desire and intimacy, because there isn't one. However, they can be managed according to each unique relationship, and it comes down to negotiating distance (physical, emotional, and verbal).

In discussing the negotiation between intimacy and desire, Perel brings up numerous points regarding sex and sexuality within society and within oneself. I decided to talk about just a few that impacted the way I thought about relationships and myself.


1) A Person for a Village

In cultures where three generations live under one roof and/or communities are close-knit (everyone knows everyone's business), achieving intimacy isn't an issue. Everyone is probably close enough. However, in our modern American culture, we have an ability to communicate without actually seeing each other. As beneficial as this is, the lack of physical presence may leave us longing for intimacy more than any other generation. Then, when we find a partner, we are at risk for putting too many expectations on that person: to provide stability, excitement, sexual fulfillment, counsel, and friendship...essentially take on multiple and contradictory roles. It is possible for someone to do this in bits and pieces, but one cannot expect a person to fulfill his/her partner completely. When trying to fill the intimacy void goes too far, it could make people needy and/or controlling and also lead to much disappointment.

This point struck me because it shows how some problems in relationships extend beyond the couple...they are results of the culture, not simply the individuals involved. Perel doesn't offer an answer for working around this specifically, but in my life, I'm trying to open my network more to fill the lack of intimacy. Instead of turning only to my significant other, I try to spend more time with friends and talk to my family. When I need to process things and no one is available to talk, I go for a long bike ride. I search for small ways to meet my needs that aren't dependent on my partner. It isn't easy, and sometimes I have to let a need go unmet. However, I try to be conscious of the fact that there are two people in my relationship and that we can't do and be everything for each other.


2) Eroticism as a Map

I used to view eroticism as a repulsive concept - it was vulgar and indecent. Disgusting. While reading this book, I learned I was not alone in my belief...and that I was also incredibly misinformed.

Eroticism is sexual desire, but it's layered and complicated. When you investigate another person's desire (or maybe your own) you find a map of the psyche. Erotic fantasies - no matter how simple or complex - can reveal the way a person perceives himself, how she balances power between her and society, and how he was loved and/or hurt in the past (by individuals or society at large). Erotic fantasies are attached to some of our deepest vulnerabilities, and being able to express them is a way to experience freedom. In fantasies, we are able to go against what is expected of us and be in control of our environment. Demonstrating them to another puts the person in a vulnerable situation. However, if welcomed, it can correct a personal imbalance and satisfy a mental need. Why sex is the vehicle for experiencing this kind of freedom, I'm not sure. Maybe because it's the one thing about our human nature that is most stifled in public. I no longer see eroticism as something that should be suppressed, but rather as a means to better understand one's history and needs, as well as a way to escape cultural pressures and expectations. One could even say it has a healing quality...maybe Marvin Gaye was onto something...


3) Sexual Make Up

In order to understand where a couple's issues take root, Esther Perel has to unfold her clients' histories. She explores the family, religious, and cultural dynamics in their childhoods. Reading these accounts, of course, made me reflect on the role sex has played in the course of my life. For most of it - I'm sad to say - I've held negative and restrictive views of intercourse and eroticism, and only over the past two years have I been unpacking them and their origins. I never realized how much they affected me...the way I interacted with and viewed other people and, more importantly, the way I felt about myself...as a growing, maturing person. There has been a lot of internal pain by trying to keep myself "safe" and within the lines. I've probably perpetuated that pain in others, as well. I tried to pinpoint where my views came from and how they developed, but the truth is they are built into the system in which I live - government, education, religion, and the influence of family and friends. I understand that institutions are in place to keep sex from being misused, but I wish I had been taught differently. I was directly told that "yes, yes, sex is a beautiful and good thing if kept within ____ boundaries and under ____ conditions." However, indirectly, the more powerful message that stayed with me was that it caused problems, it was sinful, and it needed to be contained. I've felt the consequences of this message, and yet I can't blame anyone for it. Tradition is a powerful force and many people pass things along in the best interests of others, especially their children.

Many of us think of sexuality and sex as adult concepts, but it is with us from birth. We are sexual beings even as children, and how people teach us about sex affects our self-esteem, the way we perceive, and how we perform everyday functions. Between two people, sex creates life, but within an individual, sex (hormones, organs, fantasy) lets a person live. Even if a person never sleeps with someone else, sex is still a building block of his/her life. I am just sad that so much shame and stigma is attached to it.



While the primary purpose of Mating in Captivity is to help couples balance intimacy and excitement, it goes beyond offering suggestions for issues on the surface. Esther Perel helps her readers understand that managing the balance means knowing yourself, your personal history, and your culture. The unspoken rules our society maintains, the ideals we come to believe, and our childhood experiences play as much of a role in our relationships as do complimentary values, habits, and attractive features. Beyond self exploration, she invites you to experiment with your relationship...communicate in different ways or change the direction of your daily energy. Mating in Captivity won't gain favor with everyone, because some of the ideas Perel brings up are against the grain (even I didn't agree with all of them). However, the multicultural perspectives she brings to the table are worth reading. I hope they catch on in the United States...for the sake of the mental and physical health of our people.

Mating in Captivity

It's unfortunate, but I hear a fair amount of reservation - and sometimes straight-up negativity -surrounding marriage: at work, among people I hang around with, and even in public places. I was sitting at a pool at someone's apartment complex and the people swimming were going on about how bad it was. I was very uncomfortable.

Discussions like this make me question whether marriage is possible long-term...it seems like everyone has gotten divorced or is getting divorced now. However, I believe in long-term marriage and I want to do it. Therefore, I've set out on a journey to figure out what makes a marriage work and what I need to know to prepare myself. The benefit of hearing people talk, though, has given me a clue into the problem factors - people married too young or didn't think through the logistics are two common ones. But what about the others? Novelty and insecurity (not knowing how the person feels about you and if you can hang on to him/her) make a relationship exciting and passionate. Yet people crave security and knowledge and need them to build a stable relationship. So how does one reconcile this? How does one keep passion alive while maintaining trust and security? In lieu of asking people this personal question, I've turned to books, podcasts, and TED talks. The book I'm reading now is called, Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel. She's a family and marriage psychologist who has worked with many couples across different cultures. Because of this, she can see how Americans view relationships and how we set ourselves up for problems. I've been impressed with her insights so far and I'm going to recommend you read her book if you wonder the same thing as me - how can you make a long-term relationship work? She's also done TED talks and writes different articles on love, eroticism, and maintaining a relationship with children. I find it very fascinating from a psychological stand point. I will post what I think of it when I'm finished, but I wanted to introduce it in case anyone wants to discuss (you can message me or comment).