Figuring stuff out

Since the beginning of September, I've felt an incredible loss of purpose. I went from working two jobs - a situation that almost broke me - to working one job, where I now sit idly half the time. The contrast has been a slow whiplash. I went from relieved, to content, to agitated, to wanting to throw things and scream - so much was my frustration. I didn't know what to do with myself to fill the eight hours (though not for lack of trying to find things - but I don't want to discuss that fruitless runaround). I felt completely useless at work and then went home and did chores. My brain felt like it was disintegrating and I felt completely uninspired.

Until I started watching TV. That's right. Specifically, I started watching the TV show, Girls. The show itself is controversial and sometimes I'm not completely on board with the content. But sometimes, I really liked the writing...so much so that I searched out the creator/writer and discovered she also publishes essays for the New Yorker, which unexpectedly impressed me. This series of events got me writing creatively again and thinking about the direction in which I want to push myself. Consequently, I'm using my "empty" work time for massive, reflective/overhaul writing. I'm asking myself about the lifestyle I want and deciding what I want my driving force to be - practical or creative. It's fun, but heavy on the thinking. Good thing I have time.

Legacy

Many of us will dedicate significant time and energy to a job or passion of ours that we eventually leave. Our health, economic, or family situation changes, or we simply move on. Personally, I have experienced several periods of intense dedication coupled with sudden abandonment throughout my life. After each one, when I am in the process of moving on and rebuilding, I often wonder if what I had just created was worth it. Did all that passion go into a black hole and leave me with only “fond memories” and “personal satisfaction?” Those cannot be my only payoffs. There has to be something more. Fortunately, an answer came during a conversation with my mom, who used to compete in triathlon. She told me about her friend and former teammate, Anna, whose story changed the way I viewed legacy and showed me how any work done through passion was never in vain.

Anna loved triathlon and poured her soul into the sport.  She commuted an hour to the city at least twice a week for swim coaching and squeezed in cycling and running workouts around a full-time job. Her dedication and hard work showed: she attended the world championships in 2004 and was in the running to return the following year. In 2005, however, weeks before her qualifying event, she suffered a shoulder injury during an open-water swim competition. She underwent surgery and had six weeks to recover. It was a gamble as to whether or not she would be fully healed, but she attempted the qualifier anyway. On race day, however, Anna was unable to finish. 

Over the next several months, she went to physical therapy and performed modified training, but the injury continued to linger. It gradually affected other parts of her body and limited her mobility; day-to-day activities were a challenge. Anna's friends and family watched her spiral downward over the passing months – which turned into years - and it was clear that her life had changed…perhaps permanently. Her training had fallen off sharply, but she continued to see herself as a competitor. She talked about changing her workouts as she moved from “off season” to “peak season” and spoke as if little had changed. She measured her training times and physical condition with her results and stamina of the past. To the heartbreak of those closest to her, she continued to plan for a return to her former competitive self. Unfortunately, that day did not come. Anna eventually stopped traveling to Madison and lost touch with most of her peers. People assumed she finally came to terms with her reality. It was not until my mom called Anna recently to catch up that she found out what became of her.

Anna’s competitive career did come to an end. Her emotional recovery from her injury was the most difficult, but she was healing. She lost many things that she was proud of and it took her a long time to move on from her dream she had hoped to realize. Physically, she managed to heal enough to run, bike, and swim on a limited basis and continued training for her own well being. Inadvertently, her practice caught the attention of a local high school track team, who asked her to help train the distance runners. Anna accepted. Working with high school athletes did not fill the void her injury left behind, but it did renew her energy for the sport she loved and she enjoyed sharing it with others.

The season Anna came on team, she discovered everyone was talking about a certain talented distance runner. Two years earlier, speculation started circulating among the city’s coaches and students about where this athlete would attend high school. He was already climbing the ranks in competitive circles and commuted to different cities for training. Next year he would enter somewhere as a freshman. A wave of celebration swept over the team when he chose their high school. At the first practice of the following season, Anna approached him to welcome him to the team. "It's an honor to meet you," she said, stretching out her hand, "Your running is legendary." He smiled, shook hers, and said, "So is yours." 

When a chapter in our life closes abruptly, we are sometimes left feeling empty, confused, or hurt. We may wonder what the point was if it ended without giving us a meaningful conclusion. The work we did, however - the household we ran, the people we healed, the fitness level we maintained - was a torch. We pass "torches," or inspiration, as we do our greatest work. In Anna's case, her drive to excel in athleticism was admired by and passed on to the young athlete. It may have seemed inconclusive in the context of her life, but in actuality it was preserved and emboldened by someone else. 

In the same vein, we can recognize that torches have been passed on to us. We honor the carrier before us by working fervently to keep it going and building on his or her foundation, thereby accomplishing great feats ourselves. When our time has finished, we should watch to see when, how, and who picked it up after us. This - the carrying on of great work - is the point of our passion. It may conclude unceremoniously sometimes, but our work is never lost. Furthermore, if Anna's story taught me anything else, it would be to thank those who inspired me. I may never see who picks up my work, but I can let my previous carriers know that when it was time to pass the torch, I was there at the hand-off. This is legacy.

Written for LocaLeben.

I loved this entry so much I had to repost it on my blog :)

Why We All Need Journeys

by Jeff Goins | 23 Comments | Twitter, Facebook, Google+

I began my adult life as a traveler; in many ways, travel has made me who I am today. I think we all could learn to see our lives more as a journey than a destination. We would be better for it.

Photo credit: Moyan Brenn (Creative Commons)

For me, it started with a three-hour trip downstate to go to college. Then a semester in Spain. Then a couple summers in Texas.

After I graduated, I joined a band and traveled for a year: Canada, most of the U.S., and Taiwan (we were BIG in Asia).

Then I moved to Nashville and spent the first few months going on weekend road trips. After that, I would drive 20 minutes downtown to hang out with homeless people. Later, I would lead mission trips overseas once or twice a year.

Wherever I was, I would find a way to embark on some excursion, some mini pilgrimage. Because in the leaving, I found myself. In the going, I learned something about my identity.

Three lessons journeys teach us

1. Journeys define us. They are important markers of our lives. And they remind us that we are all travelers of some sort.
2. Journeys reveal our shortcomings. They show us we are not alone in this world. That there are other wanderers out there, in searching of truth and meaning in this great big, confusing universe.
3. Journeys teach us about life. Richard Rohr said we go on journeys so we never have to go again. I sort of agree. We spend a semester abroad, take a year to backpack Europe, or volunteer with the Peace Corps to remember thatlife is the grand adventure. Once we learn this, we never stop traveling (even if we never leave home).

A journey is what you make it

It’s a process of leaving and arriving, of losing yourself and finding it again. And if these are our only criteria, anything can be a journey — as long as you are intentional.

Every once in awhile, I have to remind myself that despite a mortgage and steady job and any other semblance of stability, I am still a wanderer. Still a journeyman in search of answers, still a pilgrim in a foreign land.

And every so often, I have to take a trip to remember this. To find. To lose. To become. Last year, it was Ireland with my wife. Before that, Puerto Rico with a good friend. In the near future, it will be somewhere else.

The lesson of all journeys is this: Life is not stable, and we’re not in control. All we can do is enjoy the ride. (Click to tweet.) So how about it?

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
—Mark Twain

Note: If this topic resonates with you, check out Seth Barnes’s new book,Kingdom Journeys. I helped him edit and publish it. Oh, and it’s FREE this week on Amazon (offer good through Sep. 29, 2012).

http://goinswriter.com/journeys/

Break-Through #3: Connecting Concepts (this is HUGE for me)

I've taken lessons from different dance coaches, and I came to believe that sometimes I didn't understand a concept until someone told me multiple times or in different ways. But this was frustrating. Will I REALLY have to listen to the same thing over and over again before I get it?? Am I that slow?? I don't want to de-value using different vocabulary, but I have a theory that there's more to understanding a concept than repetition.

Amy's Theory: A concept will become clear after you acquire additional knowledge through one or more senses; as opposed to, "It will become clear after you hear it several times in different ways (all verbal instruction).

To illustrate my point, I drew a diagram below (forgive some of my rudimentary artwork):

In the first picture, the student hears the concept and "kind of" gets it. She understands the language, but it doesn't completely make sense.

In the second picture, the student has watched people skate, heard a line from a movie, went for a bike ride, and heard her boss use a word at work...all after the lesson. The student has taken in knowledge in different ways (visually, verbally, and kinesthetically) and the brain gets busy "fizzing" them together. The student might not even be conscious that she's taking in this information or even its relevance, but when the next lesson comes around, she suddenly understands the teacher when he repeats the concept. The different kinds of knowledge all work together to bridge the gap between the student's understanding and the verbal concept.

My Break-Through Day!

Today was monumental for me. Everything came together. It might all fly away again, but it's here now and I want to share it while it lasts. I lost count of how many break-throughs I actually had, but it was one after the other after the other. I want to give each of the important ones their own posts...so this is only an intro.

I was at one of the lowest points of my Tucson life on Thursday and my situation did not look hopeful. Then today, I made several discoveries that pushed my other practical needs out of my mind. "Who cares!" I exclaimed. "I have been enlightened! Who needs food, clothing, or shelter?!" (I didn't actually say that, but I felt very uplifted.) I did pray during the rough time, so that could have had something to do with it. This would be the third time in a row since May that God has come through for me at the last minute. Just sayin'.

Also, since I felt like my inspiration was Heavenly-assisted, I felt a little OK about writing them down during church so I wouldn't forget (I can sort it out in confession later).

Anyway! Onward! :-D

Living Better Part 2: From the Outside In

I've realized that building a positive mentality is not easy or natural for me. For some of us, it takes work. I'm not a person who wakes up with perfect hair and gets dressed by little birds in the morning. I know that happiness and positivity need to take place "on the inside" before you feel good on the outside, but I think there's nothing wrong with starting on the outside and working your way in. Specifically, I think going through the motions of good habits will change one's mentality.

Through a friend of mine, Ginger Kern, I discovered a guy named Phil and "The Feel Good Lifestyle." Phil is someone who decided he wanted to feel good in life. He spent a lot of time researching successful people and "feel good" tactics and now has a career helping other people create positive lives. Lately, I've been reading his blog entries and listening to his podcast discussions with other writers/entrepreneurs. I've decided to take some of their suggestions and a couple of these include:

1) Meditation
2) Excercise (including yoga)
3) Having a mantra
4) Taking cold showers

There are more, but these are the ones I'm doing. I have signs/reminders of self-esteem-building thoughts posted in my room and I've begun a routine of meditation + yoga every morning. I've also started a cold shower challenge, where I take only cold showers every day for 30 days. Honestly, this isn't too difficult to do in Arizona because
A) cold showers feel refreshing here (though they still shock you first thing in the morning)
B) the coldest temperature on my shower lever doesn't get very cold.
Nonetheless, it's still worth it in my opinion.

I've been doing these things for about a week now and little by little I've noticed changes. My outlook on life is much better, even when things are seemingly bad or inconvenient. By putting myself in situations that are physically uncomfortable (and learning to deal with them) and having visual, happy reminders as well, I find it easier to deal with everyday inconveniences and frustrations. For instance, a friend drove me to a store and when we arrived, they wouldn't accept the only form of payment I had. I could have gotten angry or felt dumb for not carrying another card or cash with me, but I let it go instead. It wouldn't have made anything better.

Changing from the "inside out" is effective, but I can't discredit changing from the outside in. Sometimes we need help, and altering habits has been working pretty well for me. I can definitely say that I laugh a lot more, which is worth a cold shower every day.

A Life Disruption - "Awesome!"

At last week's yoga class, the teacher - Elizabeth - discussed the idea of disruption:

"It can be a new job, a death, or even having a child. A disruption is a life-changing event. It's interesting when you're with a group of yogis and they're sharing their disruptions. Someone will mention a terrible thing that happened to them, and you'll get the occasional yogi who says, 'Awesome!' Of course, everyone wonders, 'Why would they say that?!' But when you have a disruption in your life, that person knows it's a chance for you to grow...and let go of the previous lifestyle you were hanging on to."

I thought about that and my life with dancing in Wisconsin. I made dancing the focus of my life, putting it above almost everything else...including my own personal well-being. Furthermore, while I didn't practice consistently after I left team, I still held onto the mentality of dancing being the only thing that mattered. It wasn't until I came to Tucson and experienced several disruptions at once (geographically, socially, economically, mentally, physically) that I was forced to put dancing aside, evaluate my life, and take a deep look at who I - Amy Jennings - truly was. Without dancing. I don't think I need to tell all of you about the difficult process I went through, because many of you were reading about it right along with me.

Anyway, that occasional "Awesome!" yogi is right - disruption is a chance to grow. "When you encounter a disruption, it will bring you closer to the truth about yourself," Elizabeth finished, and I couldn't agree more. A disruption causes us to face ourselves and maybe realize that something we valued and depended on in the past now hinders us. We then get to break away from the old and see how we "learn to fly" in a time of difficulty and change. A side of us or a talent that we never took time to develop might emerge, like knitting or teaching. Or maybe a loss in one part of our lives will give us the time to serve someone or something else. We might never have learned these things if we didn't experience a break in our comfortable lives. I know I can say that my non-competing/Tucson-living disruption period let me grow in several directions, such as:

*meeting and learning from people from several walks of life
*exploring digital media (photography and video)
*studying yoga
*learning to be healthy and take care of myself (an on-going process)
*hanging out with middle school students while photographing their parks and rec activities
*working in a sushi restaurant
*creating a blog about living in Arizona and venturing out on your own
*learning to fix up a bike
*trying argentine tango and lindy hop
*making friends
*learning about building and breaking relationships (another on-going process)

Since I've let go of dancing - and a hindering mind-set I clung to - I've learned so much about life and myself. Now a door has opened for ballroom again, and after going through all kinds of self re-evaluation and trying new things, I'm ready to step through it with a healthier mindset -- something I wasn't ready for a few months ago. If you're going through a disruption right now, I can empathize with you on the difficult experience. Take heart, though, when I say, "Awesome!"...because it's what you will be when you arrive on the other side :).

Inspiration to Take A Risk

I read this a few days ago. It's written by a friend of a friend; the writer's name is Emily. It's very powerful and I think it deserves some of my blog space, because it influenced me so much. I encourage you to bookmark it and pull it out when you're thinking about being safe or trying something new: http://magikinthemystery.tumblr.com/post/23999302678