I want to quit my job. I am dissatisfied with my work. I thought maybe if I have something outside of work that fulfills me, having a "pay the bills" job is fine. For about a year, it was. However, things for me have changed. I'm starting to feel irritated with/intolerant of things that never really bothered me before: my pay, my work hours, the way one or two people treat me, the trainings and meetings I'm expected to attend, my new responsibilities, etc. In fact, sometimes I don't want to do anything and get annoyed when people ask me to complete various tasks. However, I keep my emotions in check and do what I need to do. I know it's not my work - it's me.
The truth is, I don't feel fulfilled with my work. I don't feel like I'm growing in the direction I want. When you are working toward a goal and you're on the path you want to be on, you can put up with all kinds of crap: people taking advantage of you, lousy hours, little to no benefits, and low pay. You deal with it, because in the end it will pay off. On the other hand, if you have everything - good pay, good benefits, flexible hours, great coworkers - but don't feel fulfilled, all these things get on your nerves...probably irrationally. That's where I am right now.
The problem is, I don't know where to go or what would make me feel fulfilled. I've been reading a lot of articles on fulfilling careers and career changes, but nothing has sparked an idea. Or a plausible idea. I just know I want to create things. I've thought about photography, writing, websites, and marketing/advertisement. I've also thought about become a dance teacher...but the pay for that quite low unless you're well-known or have serious business skills (aka not a great teacher, but you can sell).
I don't know what I'm going to do, but I want to figure it out soon. I'm increasingly dreading the days I have to go to work and I'm getting cranky. I need to figure things out before I explode.
Showing posts with label Change. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Change. Show all posts
Sunday, November 5, 2017
Thursday, October 5, 2017
Turning 30
Fair warning: a short reflection on my twenties turned into an essay - so if you read it, you might want to grab a coffee ;).
~~~~
My twenties were something else. They held some of the best moments of my life, including my college graduation; dancing on the Badger Ballroom Dance Team; traveling to Turkey by myself; getting my writing published; vacations with family; and meeting brilliant, bold, hilarious, creative, and crazy people who changed my life.
However, among the bright moments, my twenties also had a running theme of survival. The early years were spent figuring out how to "adult": live with roommates, survive college, cook decent food, not burn my house down, navigate the professional world, pay bills, avoid Madison city parking police, and find that ever-elusive Life Direction. Life definitely challenged me. But at the age of 24, I kicked up the intensity. I moved across the country to Tucson - a place I’d never been, where I didn’t have a job or home lined up, and where I only kind of knew one person. I packed two suitcases and bought a one-way plane ticket. When I tell people this, many say, “That took guts,” or “That was brave." I usually respond, "Yeah...or dumb." There's a fine line, really. At the time, I was intoxicated with two things: leaving Wisconsin and ballroom dancing. I felt suffocated by familiarity and needed a change of pace, and I was pursuing something specific: Tucson had a teacher from whom I wanted to learn. So I left. The downside was that I didn't have a good plan. Our country was still climbing out of the recession and I barely had an employment history. Some people do this and hit the ground running. My landing wasn't bad, but it turned into a quicksand situation. After several months of trying to make it, things weren’t working out and I went through some tough shit. I became too broke to move anywhere else and had too much pride to return home or ask for help. I was fortunate to find good people to provide a roof over my head. One household even "adopted" me as a family member, which was wonderful and made holidays easier. However, I rarely talked about the reality of my life to anyone: how I was surviving on food stamps, how I nearly ended up at the Salvation Army (and instead lived across the street from it), and how my days were mostly just working to exist. Frankly, I was ashamed of what I had become and of what I was going through. More than this, though, I was ashamed of my naiveté. I tried to follow a passion/dream/fantasy and I failed horribly.
As I struggled to rebuild my life, I went through some dark periods of depression and/or fear, as well. Some are still too sensitive to share the details and with one in particular, I didn’t know if I would make it out the other side. At one point, I found myself in a situation I never thought I'd face, and - feeling the most distressed and hopeless I’d ever felt in my life - I admit I contemplated all the options. More than once it seemed my life was saved by an act of God/the Universe/whatever you want to call it, and I am grateful. I moved through these periods with the amazing help of others (particularly Kristen Mae), became a stronger person, and today I am fierce about protecting the healthcare, safety, and mental well-being of women.
During the healing process of these times, I also severed pieces of my former identity and sense of self. Emotionally, I felt like I was cutting off limbs of my body, pieces that once made me who I was. However, I recognized those limbs no longer served me; I had changed. But as the wounds healed, new limbs began to grow and I felt a new sense of personal empowerment and authenticity. I had a habit of yielding to others and giving them more control than I should have. But now I was taking a firmer grip on the reigns of my life and directing it in a way true to me.
Meanwhile, dancing was completely out of the question and I resented it for a while. I believed this childish dream and self-indulgent passion ruined my life, so I tried to suffocate it. It kind of worked. I spent most of my Tucson years working to pay bills and buy groceries, keeping myself occupied with inexpensive/free activities here and there, and hoping to live better one day…which was happening slowly. Even though I found wonderful company – people whom I love for bringing me joy and showing me kindness - I still felt an internal emptiness. Deep down, I spent four years feeling like a failure and wondering if my move was nothing but a detrimental mistake; years of my life wasted. I had wanted to be something…and I was nothing.
But things changed last year. I received a promotion at work and nearly cried when they told me my salary - I could afford a real life. Several people encouraged me to try dancing again and while it took some convincing, I decided to give it a shot. I emailed the only international style dancer I knew, someone I met years ago. I asked if he could recommend a few local teachers. By the next day, he had given me a thorough reply and – by the way – his partner had just moved to California, so he was looking for a one. My first day back on the floor was a try out - GAH. I was so nervous and my dancing was rusty and awkward. But it didn't matter in the end. When I left the studio, I felt that internal emptiness fill with light. I experienced a deep sense of happiness that I hadn’t felt for a long time.
Since then, every part of my life seems to have opened and grown: my dance knowledge and opportunities, my circle of friends, creative projects, my health, travel, and I found a funny and wonderful partner for life (and all the science experiments and lectures that come with him). I finally feel what it is like to flourish and not just survive. Tomorrow I turn 30, and I’m looking forward to it. I made it, everyone, and I’m glad to leave those intense coming-of-age years behind. I sincerely thank all of you - my family and friends - who have been with me along the way.
I don’t expect the next decade to be void of pain and setbacks, but my hope is that it will be one of living more fully than before – with more laughter, confidence, creativity, drive, community, and, of course, dancing.
Photo credit: While I only train in ballroom these days, I've danced other styles in the past and I simply love to move. Many, many thanks to Ed Flores for catching my dancing soul on film.
~~~~
My twenties were something else. They held some of the best moments of my life, including my college graduation; dancing on the Badger Ballroom Dance Team; traveling to Turkey by myself; getting my writing published; vacations with family; and meeting brilliant, bold, hilarious, creative, and crazy people who changed my life.
However, among the bright moments, my twenties also had a running theme of survival. The early years were spent figuring out how to "adult": live with roommates, survive college, cook decent food, not burn my house down, navigate the professional world, pay bills, avoid Madison city parking police, and find that ever-elusive Life Direction. Life definitely challenged me. But at the age of 24, I kicked up the intensity. I moved across the country to Tucson - a place I’d never been, where I didn’t have a job or home lined up, and where I only kind of knew one person. I packed two suitcases and bought a one-way plane ticket. When I tell people this, many say, “That took guts,” or “That was brave." I usually respond, "Yeah...or dumb." There's a fine line, really. At the time, I was intoxicated with two things: leaving Wisconsin and ballroom dancing. I felt suffocated by familiarity and needed a change of pace, and I was pursuing something specific: Tucson had a teacher from whom I wanted to learn. So I left. The downside was that I didn't have a good plan. Our country was still climbing out of the recession and I barely had an employment history. Some people do this and hit the ground running. My landing wasn't bad, but it turned into a quicksand situation. After several months of trying to make it, things weren’t working out and I went through some tough shit. I became too broke to move anywhere else and had too much pride to return home or ask for help. I was fortunate to find good people to provide a roof over my head. One household even "adopted" me as a family member, which was wonderful and made holidays easier. However, I rarely talked about the reality of my life to anyone: how I was surviving on food stamps, how I nearly ended up at the Salvation Army (and instead lived across the street from it), and how my days were mostly just working to exist. Frankly, I was ashamed of what I had become and of what I was going through. More than this, though, I was ashamed of my naiveté. I tried to follow a passion/dream/fantasy and I failed horribly.
As I struggled to rebuild my life, I went through some dark periods of depression and/or fear, as well. Some are still too sensitive to share the details and with one in particular, I didn’t know if I would make it out the other side. At one point, I found myself in a situation I never thought I'd face, and - feeling the most distressed and hopeless I’d ever felt in my life - I admit I contemplated all the options. More than once it seemed my life was saved by an act of God/the Universe/whatever you want to call it, and I am grateful. I moved through these periods with the amazing help of others (particularly Kristen Mae), became a stronger person, and today I am fierce about protecting the healthcare, safety, and mental well-being of women.
During the healing process of these times, I also severed pieces of my former identity and sense of self. Emotionally, I felt like I was cutting off limbs of my body, pieces that once made me who I was. However, I recognized those limbs no longer served me; I had changed. But as the wounds healed, new limbs began to grow and I felt a new sense of personal empowerment and authenticity. I had a habit of yielding to others and giving them more control than I should have. But now I was taking a firmer grip on the reigns of my life and directing it in a way true to me.
Meanwhile, dancing was completely out of the question and I resented it for a while. I believed this childish dream and self-indulgent passion ruined my life, so I tried to suffocate it. It kind of worked. I spent most of my Tucson years working to pay bills and buy groceries, keeping myself occupied with inexpensive/free activities here and there, and hoping to live better one day…which was happening slowly. Even though I found wonderful company – people whom I love for bringing me joy and showing me kindness - I still felt an internal emptiness. Deep down, I spent four years feeling like a failure and wondering if my move was nothing but a detrimental mistake; years of my life wasted. I had wanted to be something…and I was nothing.
But things changed last year. I received a promotion at work and nearly cried when they told me my salary - I could afford a real life. Several people encouraged me to try dancing again and while it took some convincing, I decided to give it a shot. I emailed the only international style dancer I knew, someone I met years ago. I asked if he could recommend a few local teachers. By the next day, he had given me a thorough reply and – by the way – his partner had just moved to California, so he was looking for a one. My first day back on the floor was a try out - GAH. I was so nervous and my dancing was rusty and awkward. But it didn't matter in the end. When I left the studio, I felt that internal emptiness fill with light. I experienced a deep sense of happiness that I hadn’t felt for a long time.
Since then, every part of my life seems to have opened and grown: my dance knowledge and opportunities, my circle of friends, creative projects, my health, travel, and I found a funny and wonderful partner for life (and all the science experiments and lectures that come with him). I finally feel what it is like to flourish and not just survive. Tomorrow I turn 30, and I’m looking forward to it. I made it, everyone, and I’m glad to leave those intense coming-of-age years behind. I sincerely thank all of you - my family and friends - who have been with me along the way.
I don’t expect the next decade to be void of pain and setbacks, but my hope is that it will be one of living more fully than before – with more laughter, confidence, creativity, drive, community, and, of course, dancing.
Photo credit: While I only train in ballroom these days, I've danced other styles in the past and I simply love to move. Many, many thanks to Ed Flores for catching my dancing soul on film.
Flying
Painting
Dreaming
Sunday, January 1, 2017
Year in Review 2016 and Looking to 2017
2016 was interesting. Where I am today is completely unexpected, but wonderful.
2016 goals/what I actually did:
1) Read a newspaper everyday/Read facebook every day.
2) Exercise for 30 minutes every day before work/Exercise anywhere from 0-20 minutes before work. Dance for 1.5-2 hours after work.
3) Study for the GMAT, take an accounting class, start school again/Take dance lessons, begin an interest in sewing dresses and clothing.
4) Deal with a difficult person at work/Turns out she isn't so bad. She's more or less "adopted" me as her child who runs her schedule, fee payments, paperwork, travel, etc. I've learned and continue to learn how she operates and how I can keep people (including myself) out of the "line of fire." But really, she and I get along very well and I appreciate her much more.
I had hoped that my professional life would develop, but instead my hobbies and personal life have expanded/deepened and my life has been very happy this way.
Lessons Learned
I only have one for this year: I can't force the best path for me; I can only take advantage of opportunities as they appear. For me, the path of happiness came in serendipitous situations. I went through several periods of frustration and felt like I was spinning my wheels, both personally and professionally. To fix the situation, I tried to move in any direction I could: go back to school, preoccupy myself with exercise, think of how I could earn more money...just do something. However, none of my attempts to remedy the situation worked. They didn't excite me about my life. What did work? Seemingly out-of-the-blue moments of luck:
1) Someone else was pushing me toward dancing. I finally had the money to start again, so I decided to do it and began contacting people. Voila: I had a partner and coaches almost instantly. It required very little effort on my part.
2) I wanted more friends and people with whom I could do activities and spend time; this came along with dancing.
3) I thought I would start sewing dresses and clothes. I had dinner with Ibrahim's friends and one of them gave me a machine for free. I've also started talking to more people about dressmaking and it's been a lot of fun...expanding my circle and deepening friendships even more.
4) I started a new relationship with someone with whom I share goals and who compliments my personality/life direction/habits very well. This came naturally from other life changes (dancing!)
There is a belief out there that you need to take your life into your own hands and steer it to your liking. This didn't work for me. I was pushing in directions that would have sufficed for a decent life, but I wouldn't have had the spark (joy) I wanted. I think our paths have their own trajectory and while we can influence them, we can't force them to our will. There is an end-goal for our souls that we can't see, and to get there may involve being poor or aimless, hating our jobs, being in a dysfunctional relationship, or otherwise feeling unfulfilled. All we can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other - making the best decisions we can - until our opportunities appear...and then grab on heroically when they come against all logic.
Goals for 2017 - all dance-related
1) Front splits and side splits. (Stretch goal)
2) Make rondes (RON-days) that are level with my head when I kick them in my routines.
3) Semi-final in SOMETHING at NDCA nationals this year. (Stretch goal)
4) Do four dance competitions (big, small, medium, whatever).
5) Dance a latin and standard routine that I'm not ashamed to post on facebook/youtube.
6) Successfully rhinestone a standard and latin dress. Meaning, they don't look bad.
7) Design a practice dress and sew it. (Stretch goal)
8) Make friends at dance competitions.
I think this is the first year I've had solid goals that I believe are attainable. A few of them are "stretch goals" that may be a little ambitious, but they aren't impossible. My only professional goal this year is to not get fired. I need my job to support my dancing habit.
I'm pretty excited about 2017. I'm hoping to be in a place I don't expect (in a good way) by this time next year.
2016 goals/what I actually did:
1) Read a newspaper everyday/Read facebook every day.
2) Exercise for 30 minutes every day before work/Exercise anywhere from 0-20 minutes before work. Dance for 1.5-2 hours after work.
3) Study for the GMAT, take an accounting class, start school again/Take dance lessons, begin an interest in sewing dresses and clothing.
4) Deal with a difficult person at work/Turns out she isn't so bad. She's more or less "adopted" me as her child who runs her schedule, fee payments, paperwork, travel, etc. I've learned and continue to learn how she operates and how I can keep people (including myself) out of the "line of fire." But really, she and I get along very well and I appreciate her much more.
I had hoped that my professional life would develop, but instead my hobbies and personal life have expanded/deepened and my life has been very happy this way.
Lessons Learned
I only have one for this year: I can't force the best path for me; I can only take advantage of opportunities as they appear. For me, the path of happiness came in serendipitous situations. I went through several periods of frustration and felt like I was spinning my wheels, both personally and professionally. To fix the situation, I tried to move in any direction I could: go back to school, preoccupy myself with exercise, think of how I could earn more money...just do something. However, none of my attempts to remedy the situation worked. They didn't excite me about my life. What did work? Seemingly out-of-the-blue moments of luck:
1) Someone else was pushing me toward dancing. I finally had the money to start again, so I decided to do it and began contacting people. Voila: I had a partner and coaches almost instantly. It required very little effort on my part.
2) I wanted more friends and people with whom I could do activities and spend time; this came along with dancing.
3) I thought I would start sewing dresses and clothes. I had dinner with Ibrahim's friends and one of them gave me a machine for free. I've also started talking to more people about dressmaking and it's been a lot of fun...expanding my circle and deepening friendships even more.
4) I started a new relationship with someone with whom I share goals and who compliments my personality/life direction/habits very well. This came naturally from other life changes (dancing!)
There is a belief out there that you need to take your life into your own hands and steer it to your liking. This didn't work for me. I was pushing in directions that would have sufficed for a decent life, but I wouldn't have had the spark (joy) I wanted. I think our paths have their own trajectory and while we can influence them, we can't force them to our will. There is an end-goal for our souls that we can't see, and to get there may involve being poor or aimless, hating our jobs, being in a dysfunctional relationship, or otherwise feeling unfulfilled. All we can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other - making the best decisions we can - until our opportunities appear...and then grab on heroically when they come against all logic.
Goals for 2017 - all dance-related
1) Front splits and side splits. (Stretch goal)
2) Make rondes (RON-days) that are level with my head when I kick them in my routines.
3) Semi-final in SOMETHING at NDCA nationals this year. (Stretch goal)
4) Do four dance competitions (big, small, medium, whatever).
5) Dance a latin and standard routine that I'm not ashamed to post on facebook/youtube.
6) Successfully rhinestone a standard and latin dress. Meaning, they don't look bad.
7) Design a practice dress and sew it. (Stretch goal)
8) Make friends at dance competitions.
I think this is the first year I've had solid goals that I believe are attainable. A few of them are "stretch goals" that may be a little ambitious, but they aren't impossible. My only professional goal this year is to not get fired. I need my job to support my dancing habit.
I'm pretty excited about 2017. I'm hoping to be in a place I don't expect (in a good way) by this time next year.
Sunday, October 9, 2016
Saturn Return
In astrology, a Saturn Return occurs every 28.5 to 30 years in a person's life. This is the point when Saturn comes back to the exact place in the sky where it was when you were born. It marks a period of major life change. The first Saturn Return at 28.5-30 years old signifies the beginning of adulthood. As it was explained to me, the first 28 years or so of a person's life is spent learning to survive, and the next 28-30 years are spent truly living and bringing aspirations to fruition. These are times when people completely change course: they switch careers, move somewhere else, get married, have a child, go back to school, get divorced, a family member or a close friend dies...or sometimes a combination of these things happens. Major life events happen before and after a Saturn Return, but my understanding is that whatever happens during this time period is a significant directional shift. It's a life awakening, a rebirth. However, this time period is tricky. The universe is pushing you in a direction toward your fullest self, but it presents obstacles. The key is to follow what you truly want to do and to go through those obstacles. If you don't - if you do what other people want you to do or what you think you're supposed to do - you spend the next decade or two trying to rectify it.
My Saturn Return technically began April 6th, but it kicked into gear around the end of the month. I was getting ready to take an accounting class when I felt a strong internal pull to begin ballroom dancing again. Interestingly, a coworker I didn't care for was pushing me back into it and I was silently resisting...until I saw a practice room. Looking at the mirrors and floor, a light went on and I couldn't stop thinking about it. I was also in a position where I could afford dancing for the first time in years due to a promotion in early 2016. Time commitment wasn't an issue either, as my boyfriend was working so much that we barely saw each other anyway. I needed a direction in my life and this seemed to be it, and the universe apparently agreed. Within a week, I found a partner, coaches, a practice space, and a plan. I was going to dance again and not only that, I was heading back into competition...something I believed I had given up for good.
Over the course of 4-5 months, my life seemed by changing at lightning speed:
- I started dancing again and found myself the happiest I'd been in years (a deep sort of happiness). At the time I made this decision, it felt very risky. Instead of using my newly attained promotion to go back to school, I was choosing to spend all my extra time and money on dance practice and lessons. Earlier in 2016, I had an astrology reading and my astrologer said that any decisions I made during this coming birthday year will impact the rest of my life. So of course the decision to forgo school and career development caused me anxiety. However, after talking with her again informally, she said the best thing I can do is follow what I desire. So I dropped the accounting class and have not regretted it. I've developed a sense of confidence that things work out in life the way they're supposed to...and I have to say that my quality of life has gone up immensely since I've started dancing. There may, in fact, be opportunities for me in the dance world...ones that would satisfy me (emotionally and financially) more than a career in accounting. Or - even better - maybe some new surprise that I could never guess will come up.
- I broke up with my boyfriend of three years. He's a good man, but our lives were going in different directions. Whether or not he wanted to admit it, his life was his business and he didn't have a lot of time for much else. Leaving him was very sad and a few times I wondered if I should have tried to stay. But I had waited two of those three years for him to change...to have time for me...and I didn't want to wait anymore.
- I started a relationship with someone new. The contrast between the last relationship and this one is stark and the difference amazes me every day. Before, I was constantly trying to fit into someone else's life and be convenient for him - not make demands, be flexible for his schedule, and be understanding when things fell through (which was often). I was caught quite off guard when this new person I started seeing asked me for more time together and went out of his way to make this possible. He doesn't want me to fit him, but instead changes his life so that we fit together. For instance, he wants me to have a place for my things in his house and he drives to my house every morning to take me to work...because he wants to. More than all this, though, he talks about the future as though I will be a part of it. He's optimistic and speaks with a sense of permanence about our relationship, which I appreciate. Regardless of how long we do stay together, I like this sense of permanence because it makes me feel wanted. For the last two years, I didn't feel wanted and I struggled with that every day. In this new relationship, however, there is no question of that.
I don't know how long it takes to move out of the Saturn Return growth period, but I have a feeling it isn't over and additional significant changes are going to occur in the next year (hopefully with my career??). We shall see and I'll keep you posted.
Friday, January 1, 2016
Amy's Year in Review 2015
A lot has happened with work this year, so this review will focus a lot on my professional life.
2015 Challenges
Breakdown/personal crisis in January. 2015 hit me hard right off the bat.
Short-staffed February to April at the office. I was taking on so much extra and the stress was upsetting me physically: breaking out, couldn't sleep, binge eating.
Dealing with people exploding/unloading on me, being demanding, and giving me tasks that I felt were inappropriate (e.g. writing his/her letters of recommendation) but to which I couldn't say no.
Figuring out what to do with my life. I've felt so restless this year and frustrated with my job. Sometimes work was crazy and sometimes it was boring. Either way, I do not see the UA as my end all be all. This year I've wanted more out of life, but felt constrained by my lack of transportation and money. I've been lonely for friends and agitated in my search for life-purpose fulfillment.
2015 Successes
Going home for two weddings and introducing Mike to my family at one of them. He was nervous and stressed a lot of the time (because he wasn't working), but we managed to get him out on the dance floor a few times (thanks to an intoxicated sister ;) ). I was glad he was there and he said afterward that it was a good trip.
Taking a family road trip to Wyoming. Being in a truck with family for hours on end was actually kind of fun, and Jackson Hole was a win for everyone. I hope we can do another family trip this year.
Cycling a 68+ mile ride. I've never hated wind and being the middle of nowhere in the desert so much. I'm not going to do any hardcore cycling again for a while, though I still find hills (both up and down) exhilarating.
Earning a very nice - and very needed - promotion at the end of the year.
Building a reputation as very competent, dependable employee. We've been through a couple mini crises this year, and I'm proud of the fact that people have come to depend on me because they know I will get the job done and it will be done well.
Things I've Learned
1) Build relationships with people at work, even if it's in small ways like favors or telling jokes. This could benefit you in the future.
2) Ask for help. My job is a balancing act between serving people and letting them walk all over you. Because I can't really tell people "no," I've learned to reach out to other admins to help me accomplish a task. There are many times where we pick up each other's extra work.
3) At the same time, I've learned that there is a line. Watching people take advantage of someone who was always open to everyone and couldn't say no has shown me the toll it can take. I will not be a doormat.
4) My supervisor Maria is amazing. Her work is stressful in that she's often cleaning up the mistakes of the Chairman (he missed a meeting or didn't clear travel approval before he left) while assisting in running the department. However, she doesn't forget her admin staff in the process. She wants what is best for us and trusts us all completely. She has no desire to micromanage. Once I asked her about the gates to the research area of our department (there's a changing room there that I like to use when I bike in the morning). I mentioned that sometimes security locks it at night and then doesn't unlock it in the morning, which is frustrating for me. "You need a key!" She said. "I didn't know you didn't have one!" And there was a key for me the next day. No more questions asked. She also encourages us to grow in our careers, even if that is outside of Medical Imaging and the university. Discussions have taken place between her and individual admins about looking for work elsewhere (for monetary or other reasons). She's told me that if I ever needed to move, she would gladly provide a reference. We need to do what is best for ourselves, she says.
Little by little I've been working on adopting her mindset...being trusting and supportive of an employee as a person (not just an employee for the department) and not micromanaging. I hope to be like her if/when I become a manager.
5) I bought a 4-inch memory foam mattress topper for myself. It's made a difference for sure and I look forward to going to bed now.
Goals/Thoughts/Desires for 2016
I'm going to be working with an especially dramatic and controlling person here on out - until the end of my time at Medical Imaging most likely. My goal is to learn how to work with her without losing my mind. I think if I can do that, I can do anything.
I've started doing 30 minute workouts in the morning at home. They combine strength training (using mainly body weight) and cardio. Plyometrics is almost always involved. They've made a difference in my strength and they make me feel good. My goal is to build a habit of doing this six days a week.
I am also making a habit of reading something intellectually stimulating every day - like a journal article on science, business, health, culture. I want to be more intelligent about my world and consequently more engaged. For instance, I just read about the health and financial/political crises happening in Brazil: the first female President faces impeachment for hiding budgetary issues and a virus (Zika virus) that causes microcephaly (small heads) in babies is spreading through the country via mosquitos. On top of that, the Olympic games is due to be in Rio this summer. These are important things to know, because they could eventually affect us in the US. I'm making the decision to be more informed and exercise my brain just as I do my body.
It's been a year since I've been to the cardiologist. I might try to find a primary care doctor and get a check up on my cholesterol situation. I know my vitals all seem to be good - super low heart rate, good blood pressure. It couldn't hurt to follow up, though.
As you read here, I've decided to pursue business school instead of a car. My first goal through June is to study for the GMAT. The intensity of this exam process didn't sink in until yesterday when I was setting up a plan. I was thinking more about business school, as well, and I became afraid. I was afraid of debt, disrupting my routine, and lack of sleep. I was afraid of the competitive atmosphere and being behind everyone else. I'm not practiced to think strategically in business! I was afraid of the realization that maybe I wasn't good enough to be there. Why did I want to go to business school anyway?? How am I going to answer that question in essays, interviews, and conversations at work? I'm not panicked right now, but these are things I'm going to work out over the next few months. The thing is...the more I think about business school, the more scared I become and the more I want to go. It's an emotional tennis match. All I'm going to say is, let's get through round one of the GMAT and see how things go.
Over and out. Bring on 2016.
2015 Challenges
Breakdown/personal crisis in January. 2015 hit me hard right off the bat.
Short-staffed February to April at the office. I was taking on so much extra and the stress was upsetting me physically: breaking out, couldn't sleep, binge eating.
Dealing with people exploding/unloading on me, being demanding, and giving me tasks that I felt were inappropriate (e.g. writing his/her letters of recommendation) but to which I couldn't say no.
Figuring out what to do with my life. I've felt so restless this year and frustrated with my job. Sometimes work was crazy and sometimes it was boring. Either way, I do not see the UA as my end all be all. This year I've wanted more out of life, but felt constrained by my lack of transportation and money. I've been lonely for friends and agitated in my search for life-purpose fulfillment.
2015 Successes
Going home for two weddings and introducing Mike to my family at one of them. He was nervous and stressed a lot of the time (because he wasn't working), but we managed to get him out on the dance floor a few times (thanks to an intoxicated sister ;) ). I was glad he was there and he said afterward that it was a good trip.
Taking a family road trip to Wyoming. Being in a truck with family for hours on end was actually kind of fun, and Jackson Hole was a win for everyone. I hope we can do another family trip this year.
Cycling a 68+ mile ride. I've never hated wind and being the middle of nowhere in the desert so much. I'm not going to do any hardcore cycling again for a while, though I still find hills (both up and down) exhilarating.
Earning a very nice - and very needed - promotion at the end of the year.
Building a reputation as very competent, dependable employee. We've been through a couple mini crises this year, and I'm proud of the fact that people have come to depend on me because they know I will get the job done and it will be done well.
Things I've Learned
1) Build relationships with people at work, even if it's in small ways like favors or telling jokes. This could benefit you in the future.
2) Ask for help. My job is a balancing act between serving people and letting them walk all over you. Because I can't really tell people "no," I've learned to reach out to other admins to help me accomplish a task. There are many times where we pick up each other's extra work.
3) At the same time, I've learned that there is a line. Watching people take advantage of someone who was always open to everyone and couldn't say no has shown me the toll it can take. I will not be a doormat.
4) My supervisor Maria is amazing. Her work is stressful in that she's often cleaning up the mistakes of the Chairman (he missed a meeting or didn't clear travel approval before he left) while assisting in running the department. However, she doesn't forget her admin staff in the process. She wants what is best for us and trusts us all completely. She has no desire to micromanage. Once I asked her about the gates to the research area of our department (there's a changing room there that I like to use when I bike in the morning). I mentioned that sometimes security locks it at night and then doesn't unlock it in the morning, which is frustrating for me. "You need a key!" She said. "I didn't know you didn't have one!" And there was a key for me the next day. No more questions asked. She also encourages us to grow in our careers, even if that is outside of Medical Imaging and the university. Discussions have taken place between her and individual admins about looking for work elsewhere (for monetary or other reasons). She's told me that if I ever needed to move, she would gladly provide a reference. We need to do what is best for ourselves, she says.
Little by little I've been working on adopting her mindset...being trusting and supportive of an employee as a person (not just an employee for the department) and not micromanaging. I hope to be like her if/when I become a manager.
5) I bought a 4-inch memory foam mattress topper for myself. It's made a difference for sure and I look forward to going to bed now.
Goals/Thoughts/Desires for 2016
I'm going to be working with an especially dramatic and controlling person here on out - until the end of my time at Medical Imaging most likely. My goal is to learn how to work with her without losing my mind. I think if I can do that, I can do anything.
I've started doing 30 minute workouts in the morning at home. They combine strength training (using mainly body weight) and cardio. Plyometrics is almost always involved. They've made a difference in my strength and they make me feel good. My goal is to build a habit of doing this six days a week.
I am also making a habit of reading something intellectually stimulating every day - like a journal article on science, business, health, culture. I want to be more intelligent about my world and consequently more engaged. For instance, I just read about the health and financial/political crises happening in Brazil: the first female President faces impeachment for hiding budgetary issues and a virus (Zika virus) that causes microcephaly (small heads) in babies is spreading through the country via mosquitos. On top of that, the Olympic games is due to be in Rio this summer. These are important things to know, because they could eventually affect us in the US. I'm making the decision to be more informed and exercise my brain just as I do my body.
It's been a year since I've been to the cardiologist. I might try to find a primary care doctor and get a check up on my cholesterol situation. I know my vitals all seem to be good - super low heart rate, good blood pressure. It couldn't hurt to follow up, though.
As you read here, I've decided to pursue business school instead of a car. My first goal through June is to study for the GMAT. The intensity of this exam process didn't sink in until yesterday when I was setting up a plan. I was thinking more about business school, as well, and I became afraid. I was afraid of debt, disrupting my routine, and lack of sleep. I was afraid of the competitive atmosphere and being behind everyone else. I'm not practiced to think strategically in business! I was afraid of the realization that maybe I wasn't good enough to be there. Why did I want to go to business school anyway?? How am I going to answer that question in essays, interviews, and conversations at work? I'm not panicked right now, but these are things I'm going to work out over the next few months. The thing is...the more I think about business school, the more scared I become and the more I want to go. It's an emotional tennis match. All I'm going to say is, let's get through round one of the GMAT and see how things go.
Over and out. Bring on 2016.
Saturday, December 19, 2015
The Road to Promotion
This last week was incredibly chaotic in the office. We had resident interviews, medical student exams, I had time sheet prep work and reconciliation (usually takes me a few hours due to interruptions), physicians were turning in reimbursements left and right because they found out that their accounts were going to reset at the beginning of the year, and then all the regular scheduling needed to be done...among other things. But on Wednesday at the very, very end of the day, our chief administrator asked me to come into his office. I assumed this had to do with my job situation - the position I applied for a week and half ago. I was waiting for an interview, but within a few minutes I found out that I would never get one. They skipped it and the administrator handed me my offer letter. This was ok with me. The best part, though, was the salary. It was more than I expected! It was more than I allowed myself even to hope for! A significant chunk will undoubtedly be taken out for taxes and benefits, but STILL! The possibility that I can buy a car in a year is now on the table. Once I see what I'm making, I may even be able to afford living somewhere else. I love my little house, but I'm still on someone else's property. I'd like to not live with my landlord for once.
I have to draw attention to some key factors that led to this promotion, though. My coworker who started at the same time as me received a promotion a few months ago in the same way I did - they dissolved her position and created a new one when someone else left. However, before that, she wanted a review of her work and to have a conversation about a raise with our superiors. However, it was like pulling teeth. She had such a hard time getting anyone to talk to her. She started looking for other positions because she needed to earn more - she just had a baby and she and her husband bought a house. However, when the new position came up for her, she had to go through an interview. It seems she had to push her way through to get attention. I, on the other hand, almost had the opposite experience: I applied and people in my department said, "Process the paperwork now so we can get going!"
A few months back, I received a tiny raise (about $30 extra per paycheck) when I took on several duties from other people. I was disappointed. Should I have negotiated? Some will say so, but I don't think it would have made a difference. This time around when Norma left, though, doctors wanted input on what was going to happen next with the staff. The situation was in my favor. I didn't cry to my supervisor or the chief administrator about wanting a raise. I did talk one of the doctors about my goals, however, and I found out our accountant was pulling for a higher salary for me. In the end, my supervisor, the accountant, and one of the doctors were all speaking repeatedly on my behalf to give me the salary I received...and to give it quickly.
Why did this happen? Why did my coworker and I have such different experiences? Maybe it was a difference in personality - she's quiet, but she comes out and tells people what she wants. I'm quiet, but I have trouble being open like that. Another possibility - the real reason in my opinion - is the fact that I work directly with many people in the office. I'm the one they see and of whom they ask questions. My coworker has her own office in another area and is physically isolated. Direct interaction matters in building relationships, and people help get you places. I think this is where my coworker's campaign fell short, and the timing wasn't there at the beginning. I felt fortunate that I happened to be in the place I was. This wasn't by mistake - I chose to be among the faculty because I liked being interactive. But I didn't realize then that it would help me advance in the future. In the end, both of us received what we wanted, but knowing people can make the path easier.
I have to draw attention to some key factors that led to this promotion, though. My coworker who started at the same time as me received a promotion a few months ago in the same way I did - they dissolved her position and created a new one when someone else left. However, before that, she wanted a review of her work and to have a conversation about a raise with our superiors. However, it was like pulling teeth. She had such a hard time getting anyone to talk to her. She started looking for other positions because she needed to earn more - she just had a baby and she and her husband bought a house. However, when the new position came up for her, she had to go through an interview. It seems she had to push her way through to get attention. I, on the other hand, almost had the opposite experience: I applied and people in my department said, "Process the paperwork now so we can get going!"
A few months back, I received a tiny raise (about $30 extra per paycheck) when I took on several duties from other people. I was disappointed. Should I have negotiated? Some will say so, but I don't think it would have made a difference. This time around when Norma left, though, doctors wanted input on what was going to happen next with the staff. The situation was in my favor. I didn't cry to my supervisor or the chief administrator about wanting a raise. I did talk one of the doctors about my goals, however, and I found out our accountant was pulling for a higher salary for me. In the end, my supervisor, the accountant, and one of the doctors were all speaking repeatedly on my behalf to give me the salary I received...and to give it quickly.
Why did this happen? Why did my coworker and I have such different experiences? Maybe it was a difference in personality - she's quiet, but she comes out and tells people what she wants. I'm quiet, but I have trouble being open like that. Another possibility - the real reason in my opinion - is the fact that I work directly with many people in the office. I'm the one they see and of whom they ask questions. My coworker has her own office in another area and is physically isolated. Direct interaction matters in building relationships, and people help get you places. I think this is where my coworker's campaign fell short, and the timing wasn't there at the beginning. I felt fortunate that I happened to be in the place I was. This wasn't by mistake - I chose to be among the faculty because I liked being interactive. But I didn't realize then that it would help me advance in the future. In the end, both of us received what we wanted, but knowing people can make the path easier.
Sunday, February 15, 2015
Just know it happened
In my 2014 review, I had written that I was done "finding myself." I didn't flit after every idea anymore, thinking that each one was my life calling. I felt like I knew my mind and tendencies, and I wouldn't face regular identity fluctuation anymore. But I was so wrong: three days later my world fell to pieces.
The collapsing took place over two weeks while a heavy current of emotional pain poured out of me. I don't know how to describe the pain exactly...something similar to when my parents divorced perhaps.
Then everything stabilized...but I felt like I was falling in slow motion, and a numbness came over me. At that point, I realized I was on the other side of a divide. In my mind, I saw a stone wall with an iron gate and through the bars was the former Amy. I studied her face and saw all she knew and believed...and realized I would never be that same Amy again. I was aware. So I did the only thing I could: I picked up my bag - containing the few pieces of my life I could gather - turned around, and walked away.
I was in a fog for the last two weeks of January and felt very lost. When you go through a life-changing event, you tend to lose things. The thing I lost was my spirituality. If any of you have read the trilogy, His Dark Materials, I likened the feeling to when a person is separated from his dæmon (spirit).
In a way this event was a divorce between me and my religion. Some people are able to fade out this part of their upbringing, if it was there. Slowly they realize it isn't for them and decrease the time and energy they put into it. My religion, however, was my compass, my refuge, my heart, and my stronghold. I admit that it felt weak within the last year or two, but I never thought it would go away entirely. Maybe I've been in denial, though. Maybe if I looked back closely enough, I could see myself gradually chipping away at it over time.
As much as I want to tell you exactly what happened to cause this falling out, I can't right now...and maybe not for several years. I don't know. It requires a stronger Amy than the one that exists today. So please, do not ask me. I just want you to know, though, that it happened and that I am different.
The collapsing took place over two weeks while a heavy current of emotional pain poured out of me. I don't know how to describe the pain exactly...something similar to when my parents divorced perhaps.
Then everything stabilized...but I felt like I was falling in slow motion, and a numbness came over me. At that point, I realized I was on the other side of a divide. In my mind, I saw a stone wall with an iron gate and through the bars was the former Amy. I studied her face and saw all she knew and believed...and realized I would never be that same Amy again. I was aware. So I did the only thing I could: I picked up my bag - containing the few pieces of my life I could gather - turned around, and walked away.
I was in a fog for the last two weeks of January and felt very lost. When you go through a life-changing event, you tend to lose things. The thing I lost was my spirituality. If any of you have read the trilogy, His Dark Materials, I likened the feeling to when a person is separated from his dæmon (spirit).
In a way this event was a divorce between me and my religion. Some people are able to fade out this part of their upbringing, if it was there. Slowly they realize it isn't for them and decrease the time and energy they put into it. My religion, however, was my compass, my refuge, my heart, and my stronghold. I admit that it felt weak within the last year or two, but I never thought it would go away entirely. Maybe I've been in denial, though. Maybe if I looked back closely enough, I could see myself gradually chipping away at it over time.
As much as I want to tell you exactly what happened to cause this falling out, I can't right now...and maybe not for several years. I don't know. It requires a stronger Amy than the one that exists today. So please, do not ask me. I just want you to know, though, that it happened and that I am different.
Thursday, January 1, 2015
Amy's Year in Review 2014
I enjoy looking over my life at the beginning of the New Year. It makes the time I spent living worth my while, by recognizing all I've learned and how much I've changed. Below is my list of Things I've Learned, Accomplishments, and Desires for 2015. To be honest, I don't know if the things I've learned in 2014 were actually during 2014 or if they were some time before that, but I think they're important so they're listed.
Things I've Learned
1) No human feeling is unique: everyone can experience the same emotions (on varying levels), and it is possible to feel a strong emotion repeatedly. This includes love. This year, I had a tough time changing my mindset from the idea that love is unique and highly exclusive to that it is common and shared. The truth is, we can love deeply more than once and we love many people throughout our lives. While I kind of knew this from my relationships with friends and family members, being in a close relationship with someone else made the lesson stark: I had to understand that I am a part of a person's life, not the part. That was a tough pill to swallow ("What?! You mean I'm not the only person you've ever cared about?") However, while I've learned that love itself is common, I've also learned that what comes from love is special: the family you create, the lessons you learn about yourself, and the places it takes you.
2) Talking is better than walking. I am a person who tends to cut things off and be done with them when they aren't working out. I've discovered that it's worth communicating your issues/feelings before walking out, especially if the other person wants to meet you half way.
3) Be able to justify your actions. It's a really great feeling when someone calls you out on a "mistake" and you're able to list solid, logical reasons why you did what you did.
4) You look better when you admit to a mistake than when you try to cover it up. Yes, people want something done in a timely fashion, but - at the core of the issue - they want it done right. Asking for help when you don't know is key.
5) You're given "dumb" passes in life (people forgive you when you do something stupid), but they're limited - try not to use them all up at once.
6) Learn how to fix what you mess up, because messing up is a given.
7) Sometimes you can't fix everything, though, and you have let time do the work. We all have people who won't forgive us, items that we've caught on fire and will never get back, and money (ours or someone else's) that we've tossed out the window...I think there's a specific "dumb pass" for that...Regardless, we just have to hope time will heal all emotional wreckage.
8) My body and physical ambitions have changed. In my early 20s, I thought I had figured out the "formula" to get my body the way I wanted it. Now, however, I'm no longer in that stage of post-adolescent-but-still-have-adolescent-body-functionings, and that formula doesn't work anymore. My body responds differently to food than it used to. I'm also less tolerant of being hungry and I don't have the same fascination with body mechanics anymore (aka I'm not ok with eating only a handful of food for a meal and gyms don't stimulate me like they used to). The resulting physical change has been difficult for me to deal with and I have a feeling life isn't going to be generous as I get older. I'm not giving up, but I'm also learning acceptance...
9) "Finding myself" is over. Thank. Goodness. I no longer look at each opportunity like, "THIS IS WHO I AM AND WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE DOING WITH MY LIFE!" I have a complicated web of interests, but none of them are attached to my identity. I regard the "finding self" stage as the mental puberty of early adulthood: I had to go through it to solidify my identity, but I'm glad it's over.
10) Movies can engage a person intellectually on a deeper level than I expected. They can make you reflect upon your own morals, goals, and thinking patterns. They make you question society. This deeper thinking thing was a pleasant surprise for me. I thought you could only get it - truly - from books.
Accomplishments
Obtained a full-time job with benefits that pays me almost enough to live on (parents still help a little).
Found an apartment that only I live in. Sweet Jesus, I didn't think I'd see the day.
Read several books and watched many tv shows and movies. Who's culturally engaged ??-->>> this one!
Maintained a healthy relationship for over a year (personal record! victory dance!).
Desires/Things to Accomplish for 2015
I'm used to being broke around Christmas and not doing much. This year, I wasn't broke but I did not plan well. I felt like a scrooge when unexpected gifts were left on my desk at work and in my mailbox at home. Next year, I want to be more active about preparing for the holidays (Christmas shopping will happen and cards will be made ahead of time) and appreciate the celebrating on a religious level. I also want an Advent calendar and Jesse tree. Seriously, what's more fun than opening a tiny box every day for a month, pulling out a gift/ornament, and reading an accompanying story? Lots of things, I know, but it's still pretty great.
I want an art project and art skills! I can already see many of you slapping your foreheads - you probably remember the artistic attempts of Summer 2013? Well, I'm back to it again. Right now, the only thing on my list is a kinetic typography video. I'm hoping to have two more projects this year (cards don't count).
Professionally? I'd like to start doing more with communications. I'm going to push to help with the department newsletter and website more. Truth be told, I envy the BioComm department upstairs. I'm sure their lives are filled with tedious work, but I would love some of their technical and creative skill sets.
I struggled with my religion in 2014. I was barely going to Mass once a week, and I developed some riffs with Catholicism. I went as far as looking into various Protestant churches around the city, because I wasn't feeling like I fit in as a Catholic anymore. However, after I went to one such service, I left feeling empty. I immediately missed the richness of the Catholic church, its rituals, and its structure. I like ritual and structure, and I was very appreciative of the next Mass I attended. However, who's to say this couldn't happen again? Therefore, this year I want to read about and engage more with my faith: to start, four books on Catholicism/Christianity.
Health...I'm just keeping on keeping on. Maybe exercise a little more.
I want a group of friends...like from a club I join or something. I don't know if that will happen this year because I can already see myself being very busy. However, I think friends would be a positive addition to my life.
All right, so that is that for 2015. Lots of good stuff happened in 2014, so let's hope that goodness keeps rolling! Do you have any goals for this year or anything you learned from last year that you want to share? If so, please leave a comment or send me a message. Best to you all for 2015!
Things I've Learned
1) No human feeling is unique: everyone can experience the same emotions (on varying levels), and it is possible to feel a strong emotion repeatedly. This includes love. This year, I had a tough time changing my mindset from the idea that love is unique and highly exclusive to that it is common and shared. The truth is, we can love deeply more than once and we love many people throughout our lives. While I kind of knew this from my relationships with friends and family members, being in a close relationship with someone else made the lesson stark: I had to understand that I am a part of a person's life, not the part. That was a tough pill to swallow ("What?! You mean I'm not the only person you've ever cared about?") However, while I've learned that love itself is common, I've also learned that what comes from love is special: the family you create, the lessons you learn about yourself, and the places it takes you.
2) Talking is better than walking. I am a person who tends to cut things off and be done with them when they aren't working out. I've discovered that it's worth communicating your issues/feelings before walking out, especially if the other person wants to meet you half way.
3) Be able to justify your actions. It's a really great feeling when someone calls you out on a "mistake" and you're able to list solid, logical reasons why you did what you did.
4) You look better when you admit to a mistake than when you try to cover it up. Yes, people want something done in a timely fashion, but - at the core of the issue - they want it done right. Asking for help when you don't know is key.
5) You're given "dumb" passes in life (people forgive you when you do something stupid), but they're limited - try not to use them all up at once.
6) Learn how to fix what you mess up, because messing up is a given.
7) Sometimes you can't fix everything, though, and you have let time do the work. We all have people who won't forgive us, items that we've caught on fire and will never get back, and money (ours or someone else's) that we've tossed out the window...I think there's a specific "dumb pass" for that...Regardless, we just have to hope time will heal all emotional wreckage.
8) My body and physical ambitions have changed. In my early 20s, I thought I had figured out the "formula" to get my body the way I wanted it. Now, however, I'm no longer in that stage of post-adolescent-but-still-have-adolescent-body-functionings, and that formula doesn't work anymore. My body responds differently to food than it used to. I'm also less tolerant of being hungry and I don't have the same fascination with body mechanics anymore (aka I'm not ok with eating only a handful of food for a meal and gyms don't stimulate me like they used to). The resulting physical change has been difficult for me to deal with and I have a feeling life isn't going to be generous as I get older. I'm not giving up, but I'm also learning acceptance...
9) "Finding myself" is over. Thank. Goodness. I no longer look at each opportunity like, "THIS IS WHO I AM AND WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE DOING WITH MY LIFE!" I have a complicated web of interests, but none of them are attached to my identity. I regard the "finding self" stage as the mental puberty of early adulthood: I had to go through it to solidify my identity, but I'm glad it's over.
10) Movies can engage a person intellectually on a deeper level than I expected. They can make you reflect upon your own morals, goals, and thinking patterns. They make you question society. This deeper thinking thing was a pleasant surprise for me. I thought you could only get it - truly - from books.
Accomplishments
Obtained a full-time job with benefits that pays me almost enough to live on (parents still help a little).
Found an apartment that only I live in. Sweet Jesus, I didn't think I'd see the day.
Read several books and watched many tv shows and movies. Who's culturally engaged ??-->>> this one!
Maintained a healthy relationship for over a year (personal record! victory dance!).
Desires/Things to Accomplish for 2015
I'm used to being broke around Christmas and not doing much. This year, I wasn't broke but I did not plan well. I felt like a scrooge when unexpected gifts were left on my desk at work and in my mailbox at home. Next year, I want to be more active about preparing for the holidays (Christmas shopping will happen and cards will be made ahead of time) and appreciate the celebrating on a religious level. I also want an Advent calendar and Jesse tree. Seriously, what's more fun than opening a tiny box every day for a month, pulling out a gift/ornament, and reading an accompanying story? Lots of things, I know, but it's still pretty great.
I want an art project and art skills! I can already see many of you slapping your foreheads - you probably remember the artistic attempts of Summer 2013? Well, I'm back to it again. Right now, the only thing on my list is a kinetic typography video. I'm hoping to have two more projects this year (cards don't count).
Professionally? I'd like to start doing more with communications. I'm going to push to help with the department newsletter and website more. Truth be told, I envy the BioComm department upstairs. I'm sure their lives are filled with tedious work, but I would love some of their technical and creative skill sets.
I struggled with my religion in 2014. I was barely going to Mass once a week, and I developed some riffs with Catholicism. I went as far as looking into various Protestant churches around the city, because I wasn't feeling like I fit in as a Catholic anymore. However, after I went to one such service, I left feeling empty. I immediately missed the richness of the Catholic church, its rituals, and its structure. I like ritual and structure, and I was very appreciative of the next Mass I attended. However, who's to say this couldn't happen again? Therefore, this year I want to read about and engage more with my faith: to start, four books on Catholicism/Christianity.
Health...I'm just keeping on keeping on. Maybe exercise a little more.
I want a group of friends...like from a club I join or something. I don't know if that will happen this year because I can already see myself being very busy. However, I think friends would be a positive addition to my life.
All right, so that is that for 2015. Lots of good stuff happened in 2014, so let's hope that goodness keeps rolling! Do you have any goals for this year or anything you learned from last year that you want to share? If so, please leave a comment or send me a message. Best to you all for 2015!
Monday, January 20, 2014
Amy + Car = OMGCOMMITMENTFEAR
My final months of Wisconsin-living were plagued with 45-minute to one-hour commutes in my car to and from work. I was determined to only cycle, walk, or take public transportation wherever I lived next. Better for my body. Owning a car would also be expensive (gas + insurance + maintenance) and without one, I could put my money toward other things.
Of course, I imagined I would be living in New York...or Europe...not Tucson.
So far, being carless in Arizona has been pretty ok. I've managed to deal with multiple grocery runs every week and a serious impedance on travel. Tucson is spread out and public transportation is not very convenient - the buses close down EARLY on weekends (?!). But being a cyclist, I don't often worry about traffic, parking, speeding tickets, gas expense, car accidents, insurance, or anything related to a car. Living has been pretty manageable.
However, the longer I am in Tucson, the more I want to meet people and DO THINGS. To do more, I must travel faster. To travel faster, I need a car. In the past, I've cut my losses: "Oh well, I just won't go to X or try to get a job at Y or skip out on Q...something that I like doing :(." I figured that it would all work out in the end. I also figured I wouldn't be here for too long and buying a car would be a hinderance to my moving.
Yet here I am. Still in Tucson...with limited funds to move anywhere else and a desire to build a better life and some savings right now.
So I've been thinking about buying a car once I can afford it...which means that I probably won't try to move away soon...which means I'll be here longer...which means previous dreams of living in a different, more cosmopolitan city are questioned now... :-/
And there will be more hot-hot summers in my life...ugh. Committing to Tucson in order to build some life is not a pleasant thought, but I think right now it has to be done.
So here's to buying a car within the next two years.
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Releasing Anger
I believe people are inherently good...but sometimes I forget it when they hurt me. It usually isn't until later that I see two were at fault in a falling out, and it's hard to realize that it takes a broken, unpatchable relationship to learn of our flaws. It sucks to think that we have to "go through" each other like boxes of kleenex. It's difficult to see it took a person's pain, discontinued contact, and time to understand that I was wrong...and how I was wrong. And that nothing can be done to heal the gash, except maybe time.
When I moved to Arizona, I was in pain mentally. I see now, too, that I held a lot of anger. I don't quite understand where either the pain or the anger came from, but I'm sure it was a combination of my own inner workings and outside influences. Either way, today I felt as though I had let go of some anger. It came out as sadness - because I saw my past differently - but either way, it's gone.
Friday, November 1, 2013
Beating the What-If's
I can't believe it's been over a month since I've posted last. Living my life has been time- and thought-consuming. I admit that my head hasn't been entirely together either...focus = difficult. Nonetheless, I've been embarking on more self-realization adventures and research. Lately, a challenge I've had is whether or not to commit to something, because I'm afraid of what I might lose. Right before I make said commitment, my brain reacts with, "Wait! What if I want This? or That? What if I want to live in a foreign country? What if I want to be XYZ after all?!" In a few minutes, though, I'll calm myself down and remember that if I really wanted something, I would have been working toward it already. The universe would have focused my energy in that direction and things would have aligned for me. If it's not happening, it means that I'm just scared and making excuses. This is when I need to get all Nike and "just do it."
Sunday, July 28, 2013
What is going on with the world?!?!
Within the past month, I've witnessed three people resign from their jobs (a coordinator, a manager, and a director), three people give notice that they will be moving from full-time to "on call" as they go back to school or take a new job, a recent hire quit before she got started, and a coworker's serious relationship just ended. So my question is, when does Amy get hit upside the head by the Universe?
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Then I just saw this quote...
"The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new."
-Socrates
-Socrates
Current of Change
I do not understand what is going on around me, but things are changing. I felt stagnant in my life until June. I sensed that I had gotten back into a current of movement and I knew things would be changing in a month or two. Essentially, something had to change at the end of July, because I couldn't continue my life the way it had been going. Now that we're getting closer to that point, I see the pieces moving but I don't yet know if they will fall in my favor. It's like watching a game of chess in which you are one of the players, but someone else is moving your pieces. You have no idea if you're going to win or lose. It's a really close match and you hope that whoever is in charge of your game knows what's going on and won't let you crumble.
What's more, many people in my world are going through change too. Specifically, people are finding new jobs and quitting the ones they have. And it's all positive: people are entering careers they've wanted to enter for a while or they're finding jobs that will be paying them more. After going to a conference in Portland and being back in a moving current, I am being hit by change on all sides - internally and externally. There is an energy flowing through Tucson, but - like I said - I don't know what it is...or where it's coming from or where it will take me. All I know is that I'm in it and I'm thrashing around a little trying to gather my bearings (my poor parents - I've been sending feverish texts and making anxious phone calls hoping they have answers for me).
I think things will calm down in two weeks. I'll let you know what happens then.
What's more, many people in my world are going through change too. Specifically, people are finding new jobs and quitting the ones they have. And it's all positive: people are entering careers they've wanted to enter for a while or they're finding jobs that will be paying them more. After going to a conference in Portland and being back in a moving current, I am being hit by change on all sides - internally and externally. There is an energy flowing through Tucson, but - like I said - I don't know what it is...or where it's coming from or where it will take me. All I know is that I'm in it and I'm thrashing around a little trying to gather my bearings (my poor parents - I've been sending feverish texts and making anxious phone calls hoping they have answers for me).
I think things will calm down in two weeks. I'll let you know what happens then.
Monday, July 1, 2013
New Goals
After watching repeated episodes of Those-Who-Live-Wealthy-Lives while I walked on a treadmill at a low-budget gym, I decided to set new goals for myself. The first is that I will make six figures. It doesn't have to be for forever, but I want to taste it...and then go back down to 90,000 ;). The second is to live in a metropolis: New York, Chicago, or Miami will do. Other cities may apply for consideration. After watching an episode of house-hunters international, I'm also considering living in Singapore for a short time. It looks like fun.
A few posts ago, I wanted to be a graphic designer. That has changed. I'm learning that (LiFe LeSsOn #1) sometimes one "brilliant idea" is actually a segue to something else. Design (which I still admire and read about) got me into an art class, which put me in a non-profit. Now I'm fascinated with how arts organizations work, and it looks like life is leading me down the path of arts administration. That's my understanding, anyway. It was on my potential careers list a few years ago and has now cropped up again. I'm ready to give it a shot this time. Go the distance and all that rah-rah. Art will be in my life and that's all I care about. Also, (LiFe LeSsOn #2) I'm learning that it's not a bad thing to jump off the cliff into a deep challenge (go to art school to live an artsy life), but it's also not a bad thing to use the skills you have (snazzy phone answering capabilities) and ease yourself down into the life you want. You get to a happy ending either way. This leads to me another conclusion (LiFe LeSsOn #3): necessity (cash & already acquired skills) and opportunity tend to lead you to your career more than your concentrated efforts do. I believe there's a saying, "Life is what happens when you're making other plans." True story.
A few posts ago, I wanted to be a graphic designer. That has changed. I'm learning that (LiFe LeSsOn #1) sometimes one "brilliant idea" is actually a segue to something else. Design (which I still admire and read about) got me into an art class, which put me in a non-profit. Now I'm fascinated with how arts organizations work, and it looks like life is leading me down the path of arts administration. That's my understanding, anyway. It was on my potential careers list a few years ago and has now cropped up again. I'm ready to give it a shot this time. Go the distance and all that rah-rah. Art will be in my life and that's all I care about. Also, (LiFe LeSsOn #2) I'm learning that it's not a bad thing to jump off the cliff into a deep challenge (go to art school to live an artsy life), but it's also not a bad thing to use the skills you have (snazzy phone answering capabilities) and ease yourself down into the life you want. You get to a happy ending either way. This leads to me another conclusion (LiFe LeSsOn #3): necessity (cash & already acquired skills) and opportunity tend to lead you to your career more than your concentrated efforts do. I believe there's a saying, "Life is what happens when you're making other plans." True story.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Graphic Design
For the past few weeks, I've been thirsty for graphic design. I traveled to different libraries all over town - public libraries and community college libraries - checking out books on the subject. I've been reading about everything I could get my hands on. It started with FastCompany Magazine. A coworker brought it in, and I couldn't stop thinking about it for days. Then I stole it (is it really stealing if said coworker left it sitting in the staff room as though it had been forgotten?).
Anyway, I read it and stared at it. I took in as much visual information as I could hold. I did this for a couple days and then headed out to the libraries. I combed through books on art, architecture, technology, and media. I checked out anything that had to do with graphic design. I was enamored with typology and color, learning about visual hierarchy and white space, and studying what made design work.
This is what led me to take an art class in all honesty. They say that drawing is the foundation of all art and it makes sense - it's pretty hard to design if you can't draw. Ever since, I've been researching schools that have design programs and figuring out the best path to take. The best path comes in the form of another undergrad degree.
But I don't care. I'll go to college again. This is something I want to learn.
Anyway, I read it and stared at it. I took in as much visual information as I could hold. I did this for a couple days and then headed out to the libraries. I combed through books on art, architecture, technology, and media. I checked out anything that had to do with graphic design. I was enamored with typology and color, learning about visual hierarchy and white space, and studying what made design work.
This is what led me to take an art class in all honesty. They say that drawing is the foundation of all art and it makes sense - it's pretty hard to design if you can't draw. Ever since, I've been researching schools that have design programs and figuring out the best path to take. The best path comes in the form of another undergrad degree.
But I don't care. I'll go to college again. This is something I want to learn.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
The Cursed Shape-shifters
I was envying a peer of mine recently. She is a do-er. She manages to fit travel, fluency in multiple languages, event-organizing, parties, work, dancing, and the ability to look stylish into her one, single life. In comparison to her, I have the same mph as a tortoise. I do everything one at a time... while she does everything at one time. I'm guessing my reflectiveness has something to do with it...because I tend to sit and think about things. And then I think about how I do that. And then I wonder why I think so much and plan ways to get out of my forever-thinking cycle.
As I contemplated our differences on a walk one evening, I ended up organizing people into three categories: the diggers, the doers, and the shape-shifters. To best explain these concepts, I will compare them to squirrels. First, we have the diggers. These people find their single holes (read: niches) and are perfectly happy to stay in the same place for the rest of their lives. They dig further and further into their burrow and stockpile resources (money, knowledge, skills). Then we have the doers. These people have several holes. They spend their lives running around between all of them, collecting resources in several locations and having a blast doing it. They are usually at the front of every scene, making like a beam and displaying all their talents in everything they do. People go, "Wow! I want THAT extroverted, talented leader on MY team." Which is super for them. Really, way to go.
But in the middle of this spectrum, we have the shape-shifters, one of which I consider myself. These souls find a spectacular O-shaped hole and build their pile of resources like the other squirrels. After a little while, though, they discover they no longer fit the O-shape and need an L-shape instead...so they go find or build a new hole. This takes time and resources. The not-so-great thing is that most of their resources are stuck inside the O-shaped hole. Consequently, they take what they can from it and begin the burrowing process again - squirrels very well can't live without a hole! After a short while, however, they cannot fit the L-shape anymore, and need a hole with a new shape. The poor squirrels end up continuously moving from hole to hole as they try to find a place where they can stay. They hope they can find fulfillment in SOME shape - ANY shape - so they can quit stopping and re-starting their lives and live in a nice comfortable hole. In the meantime, they usually have very few acorns stashed while the diggers and doers continue to build their nutty wealth. It's frustrating to be a shape-shifter, I tell you. Just. so. frustrating.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
New Place: Photos
For privacy reasons, I'm not going to include photos of everything,
but I will share some of my favorites.
The kitchen and bathroom were custom-tiled by Cindy's brother,
made with scenes of Tucson and the ocean.
This was waiting for me in my room when I first arrived.
My room that Cindy put together for me <3
Photo on the right: that's a skylight on the ceiling :-D
A street near my house.
This is a very large "wash" (where the water runs when it floods). I'm looking across the width of it to the walking bridge on the other side. To my right is another bridge for the cars.
The wash has paths where you can walk or bike along it.
Me.
There are several trails in this part of town.
There you have it: the area of my new home.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Enter: Advertising
The advertising industry is a bad, bad place to be. People leave in masses, turning to entrepreneurship, yoga, and their parents' homes. You only work there if you have no soul or don't know what else to do with your life. At least, that's what I believed until a week ago.
With all my time not dancing, I finally finished a yoga video I started months ago. That's what started my roll. I thought, You know, this is fun. I like spending hours working out the details of aligning sounds and music and creating interesting shots. Maybe I should pursue this. (The yoga video isn't awesome, but if you'd like to see it, click here.)
The Research
So I looked up UW alumni who might be doing something with media. I found one - Jay, a creative director - and sent him a quick email saying basically, "I'm a UW alum and ballroom dancer who's looking to enter the media industry. What can you tell me?" He sent a surprisingly quick reply and started off saying, "I've been working in advertising..."
And that's when I went, Wait. Is THAT what I'm getting into?? I had visions of filming and editing videos for artists, local businesses, and maybe even a high school volleyball team...not creating commercials. But when I thought about it, I realized my visions were to sell the products and services of the artist or business and give people incentive to support the local team. Ok...let's check this out...
Within minutes, I was hooked. The more I read, the more energized I became...and I didn't know why. The fact that I had no experience or related education in this business didn't slow me at all - it actually did the opposite. I was thrilled and couldn't fall asleep! I stayed up late learning about "books,""Pencils," (portfolios, awards) and who the heck David Ogilvy was and how you pronounced his name (father of advertising - name pronounced OH-gul-vee). I couldn't get enough (and still can't).
The Challenges
It's a tough business: the jobs are few, competition is high, starting salary is low (sometimes nothing), long hours are the norm, and rejection is on the "tasks accomplished" list several times a day. You have to perform when you walk in the door and juniors are expected to kick the senior employees' a** with new ideas. People don't tell you your work is good - if you're lucky, they'll say it's OK. And you have to have thick skin - no crying in public. You kind of live and die for this industry.
great. sounds horrible...why do it?
Because It Looks Like Fun
Reason 1) I want to produce things! I don't want to be a creative person in a business; I want to be in the business of creativity. I want to be surrounded by quick, smart, quirky thinkers. I want to tell stories and inspire people or make them laugh or make them think. Still, you may say, you don't have to go into advertising to have those things. It's true. There are other careers that might make me happy and could ultimately be a better fit...I could go into entertainment or continue working on a couple books I've started. Or try to launch the business I've been dreaming about. However, I see doors opening in the direction of advertising and I feel the energy pushing me through. I don't really want to open the other doors.
Reason 2) I also have a twisted corner of my brain that wants to do whatever someone/something tells me I can't. No specialized education or skills? So what? One of my coaches would tell me that my dancing was crap every time I had lesson, and it only pushed me to work harder. I wanted to prove him wrong with every fiber of my being.
Entering advertising could be something like that. This whole trip could simply be an impulsive act fueled by stubbornness and competitiveness, and one that could die in three months. Or tomorrow.
Therefore, is it truly my career? Will it be another gateway to something else? (Why can't my gateways be lucrative for once??) I don't know where this will take me!
Reason 3) The industry is exciting and if I play my cards right, it could lead me to a whole new set of adventures. I was reading this post on happiness optimization and it made me conclude the following:
I used to think, "work to live" meant that work and life were separate: you had a job and then lived your life outside of it. Now, though, I see it means to use your work as a *lens* for life -- leveraging it as an opportunity to open doors to different experiences.
At the very least, I hope advertising will open doors for me into graphic design, excellent writing, travel, photography, and connecting with many creative people. I also hope it will sharpen my mind and give me yet another positive shift in my world view. It might take a few years for all of this to happen, but I'm ready to give it a go.
Following Up
Jay and I emailed back and forth a couple times. When he found out I was in another state and would not be able to stop in his office any time soon, he wrote:
With all my time not dancing, I finally finished a yoga video I started months ago. That's what started my roll. I thought, You know, this is fun. I like spending hours working out the details of aligning sounds and music and creating interesting shots. Maybe I should pursue this. (The yoga video isn't awesome, but if you'd like to see it, click here.)
The Research
So I looked up UW alumni who might be doing something with media. I found one - Jay, a creative director - and sent him a quick email saying basically, "I'm a UW alum and ballroom dancer who's looking to enter the media industry. What can you tell me?" He sent a surprisingly quick reply and started off saying, "I've been working in advertising..."
And that's when I went, Wait. Is THAT what I'm getting into?? I had visions of filming and editing videos for artists, local businesses, and maybe even a high school volleyball team...not creating commercials. But when I thought about it, I realized my visions were to sell the products and services of the artist or business and give people incentive to support the local team. Ok...let's check this out...
Within minutes, I was hooked. The more I read, the more energized I became...and I didn't know why. The fact that I had no experience or related education in this business didn't slow me at all - it actually did the opposite. I was thrilled and couldn't fall asleep! I stayed up late learning about "books,""Pencils," (portfolios, awards) and who the heck David Ogilvy was and how you pronounced his name (father of advertising - name pronounced OH-gul-vee). I couldn't get enough (and still can't).
The Challenges
It's a tough business: the jobs are few, competition is high, starting salary is low (sometimes nothing), long hours are the norm, and rejection is on the "tasks accomplished" list several times a day. You have to perform when you walk in the door and juniors are expected to kick the senior employees' a** with new ideas. People don't tell you your work is good - if you're lucky, they'll say it's OK. And you have to have thick skin - no crying in public. You kind of live and die for this industry.
great. sounds horrible...why do it?
Because It Looks Like Fun
Reason 1) I want to produce things! I don't want to be a creative person in a business; I want to be in the business of creativity. I want to be surrounded by quick, smart, quirky thinkers. I want to tell stories and inspire people or make them laugh or make them think. Still, you may say, you don't have to go into advertising to have those things. It's true. There are other careers that might make me happy and could ultimately be a better fit...I could go into entertainment or continue working on a couple books I've started. Or try to launch the business I've been dreaming about. However, I see doors opening in the direction of advertising and I feel the energy pushing me through. I don't really want to open the other doors.
Reason 2) I also have a twisted corner of my brain that wants to do whatever someone/something tells me I can't. No specialized education or skills? So what? One of my coaches would tell me that my dancing was crap every time I had lesson, and it only pushed me to work harder. I wanted to prove him wrong with every fiber of my being.
Entering advertising could be something like that. This whole trip could simply be an impulsive act fueled by stubbornness and competitiveness, and one that could die in three months. Or tomorrow.
Therefore, is it truly my career? Will it be another gateway to something else? (Why can't my gateways be lucrative for once??) I don't know where this will take me!
Reason 3) The industry is exciting and if I play my cards right, it could lead me to a whole new set of adventures. I was reading this post on happiness optimization and it made me conclude the following:
I used to think, "work to live" meant that work and life were separate: you had a job and then lived your life outside of it. Now, though, I see it means to use your work as a *lens* for life -- leveraging it as an opportunity to open doors to different experiences.
At the very least, I hope advertising will open doors for me into graphic design, excellent writing, travel, photography, and connecting with many creative people. I also hope it will sharpen my mind and give me yet another positive shift in my world view. It might take a few years for all of this to happen, but I'm ready to give it a go.
Following Up
Jay and I emailed back and forth a couple times. When he found out I was in another state and would not be able to stop in his office any time soon, he wrote:
OK, so that makes it all the more challenging. Not sure of your daily schedule, but maybe we could jump on a call at noon (CST) next Friday (earliest free time for me) or at some other time the following week.
I’ll try to guide you as best I can, but the so-so-fun barriers ahead: New career path, new market, limited experience, few jobs and that “competition is always good” thing.
Sounds like fun.
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
The Word On Dancing: Out To Lunch Indefinitely
I stopped dancing.
"What?" My partner asked. I didn't want to say what I was feeling. He continued, "It's simple, but you're trying to find a nice way to say it. Just say it."
"...I think I'm burned out."
~~~~~~~~~
When I was becoming depressed, I lost interest in dancing. I thought it was simply because of my S.A.D. However, even on my happiest days, I discovered I had no desire to go out and dance. As the days went on, disinterest in dancing turned into dislike and then gradually repulsion. I became upset over feeling this way and started talking to my family and friends: "What is this?!" I'd ask. I had everything I wanted: a great partner, a great coach, and I was working toward my dream of becoming a professional dance teacher. However, something didn't feel right.
I had returned to analyzing myself again - what I was passionate about and what I wanted to do with my life. I had an overwhelming desire to create something - write, produce, build. I started reading more about self- and career-development. I wanted to focus on building a creative career and not pour energy into lessons and practice anymore, but I wouldn't accept that thought. Maybe, I thought, I just need a break. Maybe this is normal. Maybe this is part of hard work: it's not always fun, but when you hang in there, you'll achieve great things. But I no longer wanted to even think about dancing. I felt disgusted and I wanted to be disassociated from it. I would cringe when people would refer to me as a dancer. I'm other things, too!! I wanted to yell.
Practices were difficult to attend. I wasn't mentally there and I quit caring. You know that "ceiling" I talked about when I was depressed? I kept hitting it with dancing. I just hated thinking about it. Yet I continued to convince myself to push forward. What about everything I wanted? I'd ask myself. Nationals? Blackpool? A big part of success is showing up, and I knew that if I showed up, eventually I would be successful...but at what cost? Obviously I wasn't happy anymore.
To help me figure out where my values were, I reflected on a few questions (with the help of my mom):
1) What are you afraid of?
2) What would you lose if you quit?
3) Is there a compelling reason to not continue dancing?
After thinking about it, the real issue/fear came out. I realized that I was afraid of letting people down and I was afraid of what people would think of me if I quit: Is Amy going to be one of those people who sets out to do something and never finishes? Is she a quitter when things get hard? She could be great, she has so much potential and she's throwing it away. I didn't think she would follow through anyway...she's not dedicated...
All these thoughts were and are very real to me. They also make me wonder about my motivations for pursuing competitive dancing as far as I did...were my goals ever really my goals? Or were they implanted in my head by others? Goals I "should" have had? For me, one of the upsides of being told that I have talent and potential is that it motivates me to do better and fulfill it. The downside, though, is that I believe I now have a responsibility: I need to fulfill this talent or potential, otherwise it will go to waste and I will be a failure. My coaches and team members sent me the positve messages, but I also saw the feelings they revealed about those who were decent dancers and never practiced: disapproval. I never wanted to be on the receiving end of that. Lastly, I have to admit that my previous partner - even in his good intentions - fueled the pressure I felt to continue dancing. He would talk about my talent and how I could end up at Blackpool. I think this might have been his dream for me and I eventually took it on. As great of a goal that it is, it only makes choosing a different path that much harder.
After contemplating the fear issue, I thought about how much I used to love dancing - truly. Running finishes in quickstep let you fly and foxtrot feathers and three-steps let you glide. In Latin, you could unleash a firy or charismatic energy that you never let out otherwise. I loved beautiful movement and stories told through dance. I loved taking on different characters through expression without words. There really was something magical about it.
However, for whatever reason, the magic wasn't there for me anymore, and the need to figure out how the body could move efficiently and beautifully across the floor wasn't as dire.
~~~~~~~~~
I explained to Shey that I didn't know if it was temporary or long-term, but it was definitely there. I mentioned how I didn't even want to think about dancing and that I was done. I couldn't tell at first how he was taking it. He seemed shocked and then understanding. We went over and sat down on the studio chairs, ending practice 20 minutes early.
"I think I feel the same thing," he said. A Standard tango came on. "I don't want to dance to this - I can't relate to this! Can you?"
"Well...kind of..."
"The thought of dancing to this music - to Standard music - makes me want to throw up..."
I burst out laughing. I thought Standard music could be very beautiful, but I had to agree that sometimes enough was enough.
Shey and I talked about working through it, but truth be told, I think we both wanted to be done. We agreed to take an indefinite break. If we came back together, we came back together. If we didn't, we didn't. The great thing about this partnership was that was that we seemed to be on the same page the whole time - from the beginning of our dancing to the end. Kind of crazy how you meet someone like that. I actually don't view our partnership as ending, though. I think of my partnerships like I think of book chapters - they're always going to be there, and when you want to revisit that dancing/chapter again, you can.
When I biked home, I felt an incredible sense of freedom and as though a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt good. Really good. I began thinking of all the other things I could do to fill my time and was met with an incredible swirl of possibilities. I could write or watch movies and not feel guilty for not practicing, or I could become certified in TEFL and move to another country - like Turkey or Oman! OR!!! I could go SoCiAl DaNcInG and ENJOY myself! ...or maybe that's a bit much for now.
Regardless, leaving dance won't be forever, but I want to try something else for a while. It's been great so far, but I want dancing to be my art...and to be fun.
As I peddled home, I began planning my next adventure...
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