Amy's Year in Review 2014

I enjoy looking over my life at the beginning of the New Year. It makes the time I spent living worth my while, by recognizing all I've learned and how much I've changed. Below is my list of Things I've Learned, Accomplishments, and Desires for 2015. To be honest, I don't know if the things I've learned in 2014 were actually during 2014 or if they were some time before that, but I think they're important so they're listed.

Things I've Learned

1) No human feeling is unique: everyone can experience the same emotions (on varying levels), and it is possible to feel a strong emotion repeatedly. This includes love. This year, I had a tough time changing my mindset from the idea that love is unique and highly exclusive to that it is common and shared.  The truth is, we can love deeply more than once and we love many people throughout our lives. While I kind of knew this from my relationships with friends and family members, being in a close relationship with someone else made the lesson stark: I had to understand that I am a part of a person's life, not the part. That was a tough pill to swallow ("What?! You mean I'm not the only person you've ever cared about?") However, while I've learned that love itself is common, I've also learned that what comes from love is special: the family you create, the lessons you learn about yourself, and the places it takes you.

2) Talking is better than walking. I am a person who tends to cut things off and be done with them when they aren't working out. I've discovered that it's worth communicating your issues/feelings before walking out, especially if the other person wants to meet you half way.

3) Be able to justify your actions. It's a really great feeling when someone calls you out on a "mistake" and you're able to list solid, logical reasons why you did what you did.

4) You look better when you admit to a mistake than when you try to cover it up. Yes, people want something done in a timely fashion, but - at the core of the issue - they want it done right. Asking for help when you don't know is key.

5) You're given "dumb" passes in life (people forgive you when you do something stupid), but they're limited - try not to use them all up at once.

6) Learn how to fix what you mess up, because messing up is a given.

7) Sometimes you can't fix everything, though, and you have let time do the work. We all have people who won't forgive us, items that we've caught on fire and will never get back, and money (ours or someone else's) that we've tossed out the window...I think there's a specific "dumb pass" for that...Regardless, we just have to hope time will heal all emotional wreckage.

8) My body and physical ambitions have changed. In my early 20s, I thought I had figured out the "formula" to get my body the way I wanted it. Now, however, I'm no longer in that stage of post-adolescent-but-still-have-adolescent-body-functionings, and that formula doesn't work anymore. My body responds differently to food than it used to. I'm also less tolerant of being hungry and I don't have the same fascination with body mechanics anymore (aka I'm not ok with eating only a handful of food for a meal and gyms don't stimulate me like they used to). The resulting physical change has been difficult for me to deal with and I have a feeling life isn't going to be generous as I get older.  I'm not giving up, but I'm also learning acceptance...

9) "Finding myself" is over. Thank. Goodness. I no longer look at each opportunity like, "THIS IS WHO I AM AND WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE DOING WITH MY LIFE!" I have a complicated web of interests, but none of them are attached to my identity. I regard the "finding self" stage as the mental puberty of early adulthood: I had to go through it to solidify my identity, but I'm glad it's over.

10) Movies can engage a person intellectually on a deeper level than I expected. They can make you reflect upon your own morals, goals, and thinking patterns. They make you question society. This deeper thinking thing was a pleasant surprise for me. I thought you could only get it - truly - from books.


Accomplishments

Obtained a full-time job with benefits that pays me almost enough to live on (parents still help a little).

Found an apartment that only I live in. Sweet Jesus, I didn't think I'd see the day.

Read several books and watched many tv shows and movies. Who's culturally engaged ??-->>> this one!

Maintained a healthy relationship for over a year (personal record! victory dance!).


Desires/Things to Accomplish for 2015

I'm used to being broke around Christmas and not doing much. This year, I wasn't broke but I did not plan well. I felt like a scrooge when unexpected gifts were left on my desk at work and in my mailbox at home. Next year, I want to be more active about preparing for the holidays (Christmas shopping will happen and cards will be made ahead of time) and appreciate the celebrating on a religious level. I also want an Advent calendar and Jesse tree. Seriously, what's more fun than opening a tiny box every day for a month, pulling out a gift/ornament, and reading an accompanying story? Lots of things, I know, but it's still pretty great.

I want an art project and art skills! I can already see many of you slapping your foreheads - you probably remember the artistic attempts of Summer 2013? Well, I'm back to it again. Right now, the only thing on my list is a kinetic typography video. I'm hoping to have two more projects this year (cards don't count).

Professionally? I'd like to start doing more with communications. I'm going to push to help with the department newsletter and website more. Truth be told, I envy the BioComm department upstairs. I'm sure their lives are filled with tedious work, but I would love some of their technical and creative skill sets.

I struggled with my religion in 2014. I was barely going to Mass once a week, and I developed some riffs with Catholicism. I went as far as looking into various Protestant churches around the city, because I wasn't feeling like I fit in as a Catholic anymore. However, after I went to one such service, I left feeling empty. I immediately missed the richness of the Catholic church, its rituals, and its structure. I like ritual and structure, and I was very appreciative of the next Mass I attended. However, who's to say this couldn't happen again? Therefore, this year I want to read about and engage more with my faith: to start, four books on Catholicism/Christianity.

Health...I'm just keeping on keeping on. Maybe exercise a little more.

I want a group of friends...like from a club I join or something. I don't know if that will happen this year because I can already see myself being very busy. However, I think friends would be a positive addition to my life.


All right, so that is that for 2015. Lots of good stuff happened in 2014, so let's hope that goodness keeps rolling! Do you have any goals for this year or anything you learned from last year that you want to share? If so, please leave a comment or send me a message. Best to you all for 2015!

Hypercholesterolemia

When I first found out my cholesterol was sky-high, I was surprised, but I didn't mind too much. While one part of me was nervous, another part kind of enjoyed being a spectacle...abnormal, unexpected, and contradictory. I was weird and different. However, that was before I learned my "condition" wasn't going away.

I went into my cardiologist's office on Thursday, prepared to discuss my abnormal cholesterol levels and how I could eat differently to change them. I was also poised to ask him several questions about veganism and if could be maintained. We never got there. He sat down and started talking to me about my numbers. They were high, I knew that. But he said there was no way diet could influence something like what I had and that it had to be genetic. He started circling numbers...different counts of lipid particles: HDL, LDL, tryglycerides, and then their components. There were numbers for other things besides cholesterol...genes, diabetes, inflammation, liver, kidney, muscle, thyroid, and other tests (it literally said "other tests"). The whole thing was four pages long.

After he finished explaining what could have been U.S. Constitution, he went into what we should do next. He wanted to put me on statins. From what I knew of this doctor, he would not put me on medication unless he felt it was there was no other option. He told me I'd be on the medication for longer than they've been tested. He said they aren't good for pregnancy, which freaked me out. I'm not pregnant, but what if I want to be some day?? What is this going to do to me?? I've heard statins are not good for your brain because your brain needs fat/cholesterol. Am I going to have to be on statins for the rest of my life? How is it going to affect me if I have to take it for decades?

I clarified with him that this was nothing diet-influenced. No, it wasn't.
"So, it doesn't matter what I eat?"
"It always matters...you don't want to go out and eat cheeseburgers. But this is not something you can fix with diet alone."
But to me that meant it didn't matter. My cholesterol was going to be high no matter what. The doctor said that right now it isn't a problem, but down the road as plaque builds, it will be. He said I could think about the medication and that he would treat me regardless...we could work on lifestyle. He encouraged me to read the book that came with my test results, talk to people and get more opinions, read up on hypercholesterolemia, and find out about my family history.
"This isn't a death sentence."
Not for today. I was in shock and very upset. I put my sunglasses on as I left the office, because tears were coming down uncontrollably. I didn't want to concern the geriatric population in the waiting room...my new wellness peers.

I didn't do much when I got home. Except cry. And I ate a lot. I try to be conscious of my emotional eating, but this time I just didn't care. Granted, I ate a lot of fruits, vegetables, and quinoa with salsa. Then I went for a walk to the grocery store and talked to my mom. Then I cried some more. I bought dates and chocolate and binged on those at the store - didn't even wait to get home. The next day I went to work, but wasn't really present. The news could be worse, I thought. I wasn't told I had leukemia, cancer, AIDS, or some other incurable disease. But it felt like I had been. In my mind, my body received some bad information and was killing me slowly. It wouldn't happen today or tomorrow, but eventually - somewhere in middle age - it would get me. The only cure was a medication of which the effects are unknown and which could also cause more damage. It's like my body was asking me to choose: my brain/fertility or my heart. I didn't want to be a spectacle anymore.

Today is Saturday. I did talk with some people, including those who take statins. But many of them are over 50 and did not start taking them until middle age. I looked into alternative forms of care, including reaching out to a friend who is both a biochemist and acupuncturist. I respect her very much and asked what her opinion on the matter was. She said medication was the most effective - acupuncture and diet change would not do much good. I think that was the final word I needed. If alternative medicine couldn't do it, then I would have to take statins. However, I'm still scared.

Attempt to Veg

When we last left off, I was not particularly excited to limit my animal product intake: this was a principal source of my nutrition! However, truth be told, I like experimenting with food and it's one reason I try different diets and tolerate extreme eating patterns...it's me going, "I wonder how my body will react if I..." I should note that I also like to test myself to see if I can handle something (like eating cranberries without any sweetners -- which I can!! And I like them this way!), but I probably get food poisoning (gentle and severe) more often than the average person.

Anyway, I decided to give the vegan diet a try. Except it wasn't vegan. It was more of a vegetable-fruit-flaxseed-salmon-maybe an egg-and quinoa diet. My vegetable and fruit intake sky-rocketed and my animal product intake plummeted. My feelings about this diet are positive overall, but I do have some negative experiences, all of which I will discuss.

Positive:

DIGESTION. Holy Mother, my digestion is AWESOME and this is a HUGE deal to me. Food does not hang around for long. I am able to feel empty and really, I encourage you to try a plant-only diet with ground flaxseed sometime. Not for long, maybe just a few days. But it is GREAT.

I really was eating too many eggs. It's nice to take a break from my old diet.

Not Sure/Neutral:

I am lighter. I may have lost 1-2 lbs only, but I feel that my body mass has changed. My muscle mass has gotten smaller. In some ways, it feels good to be lighter. I had been feeling swollen and large for a while and now I don't feel that way. I don't feel toned, but I don't feel huge either.

Negative:

Loss of energy, strength, and motivation. In the hospital, there are eight floors and my office is on the first. I used to climb stairs taking two at a time every day during my lunch hour. I would go from bottom to top 2-3 times a day. Lately, though, I've been making it to the fourth or fifth floor and have had to take a break. Yeah. Sometimes, if I have food in me, I can do it, but it still takes way more energy than it used to. I also used to do strengthening exercises before work (push-ups, squats, etc) and now I don't have the energy. Meat and eggs let me build muscle mass and maintain it. The calories lasted longer and gave me energy. Also, I actually wanted to exercise when I ate them. Now I'd rather read. I kind of miss the drive.

For right now, I like my partial-vegan diet. I'm not married to it and will deviate as I see fit, but for right now, it's all right. Like I said in the beginning, I'm an experimenter with food, so things for me change.