Book and Movie Count Wrap Up

It's almost the end of the year! I think now is a good time to see how I did in watching movies and reading books (in no particular order):

Movies:
1) Frozen
2) Maleficent - IMAX
3) The Incredibles
4) Her
5) Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit
6) The Equalizer (very good!)
7) Belle
8) Big Hero 6 (good kids movie)
9) Guardians of the Galaxy (excellent)
10) The Box Trolls
11) Fed Up - documentary
12) Food, Inc. - documentary
13) Black Swan
14) The Help (very good!)
15) The Fault in Our Stars
16) Dolphin Tale 2 (Horrible - bad acting and cliche. Don't be fooled by Morgan Freeman's presence.)
17) Lucy (ok...but I wouldn't recommend it)
18) Annie
19) Alexander and the Terible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day (awkward to watch - so many embarrassing moments - but cute)
20) The Grand Budapest Hotel (I enjoyed this film)
21) The 100-Foot Journey
22) Enough Said
23) Wish I Was Here (not that great...hoping for better from Zach Braff)

I've seen at least a dozen more, but I won't list them all. I've watched more movies this year than I have in the last two years combined. Maybe even the last three to four years combined.

Books:
1) Promise Land
2) Being Both - Religion
3) The Fault in Our Stars
4) Why We Get Fat and What To Do About It
5) All Your Worth
6) Freedom
7) Yes Please
8) Not That Kind of Girl
9) My Salinger Year
10) So You're Fat, Now What? (my doctor's book...I was kind of embarrassed to be reading it to be honest)

I picked up several books this year, but I didn't finish them all. They were either boring or I ran out of time. The ones listed above are those in which I made significant dents if I didn't finish them.

Conclusion: I made my goal on movies, but only got through about half the books I wanted to. Regardless, I am pleased with this. My real goal was to educated myself more and get active with cultural literature. I was surprised to learn that I can learn from movies, fiction or documentary. They give me something to talk about with other people, from superficial to deep conversations (i.e. How did you feel about the presentation? What did you think of the decision of [character]? What if something like [event in movie] were to happen, how would you deal with that?  I could relate this instance to my life, how did you feel about it?). I'm not going to set a goal like this for next year, but I will try to read more fiction (there are only two in my list above).

And I will say that it's nice to have a list - makes me feel accomplished.

Hypercholesterolemia

When I first found out my cholesterol was sky-high, I was surprised, but I didn't mind too much. While one part of me was nervous, another part kind of enjoyed being a spectacle...abnormal, unexpected, and contradictory. I was weird and different. However, that was before I learned my "condition" wasn't going away.

I went into my cardiologist's office on Thursday, prepared to discuss my abnormal cholesterol levels and how I could eat differently to change them. I was also poised to ask him several questions about veganism and if could be maintained. We never got there. He sat down and started talking to me about my numbers. They were high, I knew that. But he said there was no way diet could influence something like what I had and that it had to be genetic. He started circling numbers...different counts of lipid particles: HDL, LDL, tryglycerides, and then their components. There were numbers for other things besides cholesterol...genes, diabetes, inflammation, liver, kidney, muscle, thyroid, and other tests (it literally said "other tests"). The whole thing was four pages long.

After he finished explaining what could have been U.S. Constitution, he went into what we should do next. He wanted to put me on statins. From what I knew of this doctor, he would not put me on medication unless he felt it was there was no other option. He told me I'd be on the medication for longer than they've been tested. He said they aren't good for pregnancy, which freaked me out. I'm not pregnant, but what if I want to be some day?? What is this going to do to me?? I've heard statins are not good for your brain because your brain needs fat/cholesterol. Am I going to have to be on statins for the rest of my life? How is it going to affect me if I have to take it for decades?

I clarified with him that this was nothing diet-influenced. No, it wasn't.
"So, it doesn't matter what I eat?"
"It always matters...you don't want to go out and eat cheeseburgers. But this is not something you can fix with diet alone."
But to me that meant it didn't matter. My cholesterol was going to be high no matter what. The doctor said that right now it isn't a problem, but down the road as plaque builds, it will be. He said I could think about the medication and that he would treat me regardless...we could work on lifestyle. He encouraged me to read the book that came with my test results, talk to people and get more opinions, read up on hypercholesterolemia, and find out about my family history.
"This isn't a death sentence."
Not for today. I was in shock and very upset. I put my sunglasses on as I left the office, because tears were coming down uncontrollably. I didn't want to concern the geriatric population in the waiting room...my new wellness peers.

I didn't do much when I got home. Except cry. And I ate a lot. I try to be conscious of my emotional eating, but this time I just didn't care. Granted, I ate a lot of fruits, vegetables, and quinoa with salsa. Then I went for a walk to the grocery store and talked to my mom. Then I cried some more. I bought dates and chocolate and binged on those at the store - didn't even wait to get home. The next day I went to work, but wasn't really present. The news could be worse, I thought. I wasn't told I had leukemia, cancer, AIDS, or some other incurable disease. But it felt like I had been. In my mind, my body received some bad information and was killing me slowly. It wouldn't happen today or tomorrow, but eventually - somewhere in middle age - it would get me. The only cure was a medication of which the effects are unknown and which could also cause more damage. It's like my body was asking me to choose: my brain/fertility or my heart. I didn't want to be a spectacle anymore.

Today is Saturday. I did talk with some people, including those who take statins. But many of them are over 50 and did not start taking them until middle age. I looked into alternative forms of care, including reaching out to a friend who is both a biochemist and acupuncturist. I respect her very much and asked what her opinion on the matter was. She said medication was the most effective - acupuncture and diet change would not do much good. I think that was the final word I needed. If alternative medicine couldn't do it, then I would have to take statins. However, I'm still scared.

Attempt to Veg

When we last left off, I was not particularly excited to limit my animal product intake: this was a principal source of my nutrition! However, truth be told, I like experimenting with food and it's one reason I try different diets and tolerate extreme eating patterns...it's me going, "I wonder how my body will react if I..." I should note that I also like to test myself to see if I can handle something (like eating cranberries without any sweetners -- which I can!! And I like them this way!), but I probably get food poisoning (gentle and severe) more often than the average person.

Anyway, I decided to give the vegan diet a try. Except it wasn't vegan. It was more of a vegetable-fruit-flaxseed-salmon-maybe an egg-and quinoa diet. My vegetable and fruit intake sky-rocketed and my animal product intake plummeted. My feelings about this diet are positive overall, but I do have some negative experiences, all of which I will discuss.

Positive:

DIGESTION. Holy Mother, my digestion is AWESOME and this is a HUGE deal to me. Food does not hang around for long. I am able to feel empty and really, I encourage you to try a plant-only diet with ground flaxseed sometime. Not for long, maybe just a few days. But it is GREAT.

I really was eating too many eggs. It's nice to take a break from my old diet.

Not Sure/Neutral:

I am lighter. I may have lost 1-2 lbs only, but I feel that my body mass has changed. My muscle mass has gotten smaller. In some ways, it feels good to be lighter. I had been feeling swollen and large for a while and now I don't feel that way. I don't feel toned, but I don't feel huge either.

Negative:

Loss of energy, strength, and motivation. In the hospital, there are eight floors and my office is on the first. I used to climb stairs taking two at a time every day during my lunch hour. I would go from bottom to top 2-3 times a day. Lately, though, I've been making it to the fourth or fifth floor and have had to take a break. Yeah. Sometimes, if I have food in me, I can do it, but it still takes way more energy than it used to. I also used to do strengthening exercises before work (push-ups, squats, etc) and now I don't have the energy. Meat and eggs let me build muscle mass and maintain it. The calories lasted longer and gave me energy. Also, I actually wanted to exercise when I ate them. Now I'd rather read. I kind of miss the drive.

For right now, I like my partial-vegan diet. I'm not married to it and will deviate as I see fit, but for right now, it's all right. Like I said in the beginning, I'm an experimenter with food, so things for me change.

Please You

A friend pointed out to me once that cared a lot about what other people thought of me and took it to heart. I'm going to take this one step further and say that I enjoy pleasing other people. I like to do this so much that sometimes I lose sight of what I want...because I want what they want. If someone thinks I am a good writer and should pursue that, then I will write-write-write because because it would please them. If someone thinks I would be good at _____, then I should do _____ because it would please them. I bring this up because I'm trying to sort out a direction for me. Every time I do so, though, I have someone else in mind: what would they think of me pursuing this? Is this something I want?

Then again, maybe I should stop sorting and just do. But that's a bit difficult when you want to focus on several different things at one time.

Figuring stuff out

Since the beginning of September, I've felt an incredible loss of purpose. I went from working two jobs - a situation that almost broke me - to working one job, where I now sit idly half the time. The contrast has been a slow whiplash. I went from relieved, to content, to agitated, to wanting to throw things and scream - so much was my frustration. I didn't know what to do with myself to fill the eight hours (though not for lack of trying to find things - but I don't want to discuss that fruitless runaround). I felt completely useless at work and then went home and did chores. My brain felt like it was disintegrating and I felt completely uninspired.

Until I started watching TV. That's right. Specifically, I started watching the TV show, Girls. The show itself is controversial and sometimes I'm not completely on board with the content. But sometimes, I really liked the writing...so much so that I searched out the creator/writer and discovered she also publishes essays for the New Yorker, which unexpectedly impressed me. This series of events got me writing creatively again and thinking about the direction in which I want to push myself. Consequently, I'm using my "empty" work time for massive, reflective/overhaul writing. I'm asking myself about the lifestyle I want and deciding what I want my driving force to be - practical or creative. It's fun, but heavy on the thinking. Good thing I have time.

I'm not going insane

I'm just walking around my room, talking to myself...trying to get inspired about my boring life and figure out how to make myself more interesting to the world...and me. 

There is supposed to be a catastrophic storm coming through Tucson any minute now, but like other potentially interesting things in my Tucson life, it's not here and I doubt it's even going to come. 

Maybe I'll go ride my bicycle. My squeaking-even-though-I-greased-everything-last-weekend bicycle.

I can't even write. Anymore. Not one. more. word. 

That's totally a lie.

I'm so glad the weekend is two days away, so I can stare at my wall for 48 hours.

I'm done with today, with feeling useless, with being boring, etc, etc, and etc. 

Why We Get Fat and What To Do About It (Book Review)

This book discusses exactly what it says: why human beings get fat and what they can do to change it. The author, Gary Taubes, wrote a book called Good Calories, Bad Calories, in which he discusses the same topic in scientific terms. I hear it's a hefty read. His fans asked him to write something similar, but for "lay" people...something they could actually get through and understand. So along came this book. Taubes's main argument is: carbohydrates make us fat. If you want to lose weight, eat more meat...specifically with higher amounts of fat. It follows the same line of thinking as Atkins and the Paleo Diet. He argues that it's more efficient for the body to operate on fat and protein than it is on carbohydrates. He backs it up with scientific studies and historical movements that have taken place in the US. For instance, he points out that since the introduction of the low-fat, high-carbohydrate diet in the 1960s, the number of overweight individuals has actually increased. He also goes further back in history and talks about populations all over the world that became obese when they were introduced to sugar, flour, and other carbohydrate-rich food...because they were cheap and readily accessible. The most interesting point about this book is that the author challenges diet paradigms that Americans have come to believe as true. Some of these include:

1) obesity is caused by overeating; if you want to lose weight you have eat less than what you need (essentially starve yourself).

2) a healthy diet includes low-fat foods and carbohydrates

3) exercise promotes weight loss

Taubes argues that nutrition authorities keep pushing these ideas into our culture, even though evidence from numerous studies has proven them false. He offers counter-arguments to all of the above:

1) People don't get fat because they overeat - they overeat because their hormones make them put on weight and they're trying to fuel their bodies with energy to maintain that weight (in other words, they overeat because they are fat).

2) carbohydrates stimulate hormones to store fat if not immediately used for energy; high-(animal) fat diets are actually most efficient for humans. 

3) exercise is not effective for weight loss because it makes you hungrier and eat more. 

He argues against other paradigms as well, such as those dealing with the economics of carbohydrates and poverty/wealth in communities. 

The main point I want to make about this book is that it challenges ideas we (Americans) have come to believe as true, even though the roots of these beliefs may be founded on illogical and non-scientific reasoning. I'm a proponent of his book because I've found much of what he says to be true, particularly through my own trial and error experiments with diet and exercise. I remember often feeling frustrated that the typical advice (eat less, eat low-fat, exercise to lose weight) did not work for me. It left me irritable, uncomfortable, hungry, and shocked when my clothing size went up instead of down. The best thing about the book, though, is that Taubes backs up everything he says with evidence. It's cited throughout the book and there are pages of references in the back. He isn't pulling his information from nowhere.

Why We Get Fat and What To Do About It is an eye-opening read that will get you thinking about the food/diet industry and how we get the information we do. If you're interested in health and diet, I recommend it. I think Taubes offers sound advice people can actually live by.

Taking a moment of silence

for having finished my longest (2 years) and most challenging job of my life. Also the job where I experienced the most professional and personal growth. I'm glad I did it and I'm glad it's over.

Riding from the North

I took an express bus to a road in north Tucson called, "Sunrise." The temperature was supposed to reach its zenith of an estimated 109 by the time I finished work, so I opted for a $2 bus fare instead of cycling across town and up hills. The express stops two miles north of my destination, but riding downhill for two miles beats riding uphill in 100+ degree weather.

As the bus climbed the road leading into the foothills, I watched the sunlight enhance every plunge and profile of the terrain around me. I actually felt anticipation. I'd ridden this path in a car before and I enjoyed it. However, I've never ridden it on a bike, where there is no barrier between you and everything you see.

The ride down was awesome. There was no stopping and almost no pedaling, because the hill let me accelerate the whole way. I could see over Tucson, a low city mostly hidden by light green trees and shrubs. The mountains glowed orange and red-brown in the distance, as the sun moved toward the western horizon. I continued to go faster and faster and hoped the two miles wouldn't end quickly. Being within two different speeds - the fast pace of everything blurring around you and the slowly approaching horizon in the distance - magnifies your senses. There is no glass to interrupt your sense of smell, touch, sight, and sound; and less stability on a bike puts your mind in potential "danger" status...all making you increasingly aware and increasingly present. The northern part of town is already beautiful, but the experience is even greater when you travel like this, unenclosed.

There are times when I really dislike Tucson. The pace is slow, the culture lacks sophistication, the city is too flat and too hot, the population is old, there isn't enough to do, everything is spread out and the transit system cannot make up for it. However, experiences like these let me see its hidden beauty. It can't convince me to stay forever, but it does make me glad I'm here.

When I was hired

I almost cried. I had been living paycheck to paycheck, scrutinizing the cost of every food or hygiene item or article of clothing I bought (I only bought clothes if I desperately needed them). When I got a job at the U of A, one of the most coveted employers in the city, I felt a rush of exhilaration and relief. I called and texted all the people rooting for me and we exclaimed and laughed together. I would have benefits again - I could visit the doctor with minimal costs, go to the dentist, get paid time off, afford to live on my own, not worry about feeding myself, etc. I don't remember if I actually fell to my knees that day, but I know they felt weakened to do so several times. I thanked God as though He had given me a free pass to Heaven.

I promise I haven't abandoned you

I realize I haven't written since March. So much has changed. I was under stress from applying for work, quitting/reducing hours from another job, and then working, working, working. Since April 14th, I've been working literally every day except for 1) a four-day vacation home for Christine's college graduation and 2) Memorial Day. Otherwise, I work every day for 8 hours Monday-Friday and 9 hours Saturday-Sunday. Do I enjoy the paychecks? Yes...except when I forget to enjoy them because I'm exhausted. My candle is burning at both ends, and I'm hoping to make it to the end before I burn out.

Right now, I work at the University of Arizona and the massage business. When I first told the owner of the massage biz that I was leaving, it was dramatic. She was hoping I would manage it. However, the day after our meeting, I received an offer from the university and I accepted in a heart beat. Plus, the managing position - I'm going to be honest - was an over-worked and under-paid job. I get more as an administrative assistant plus benefits at the university (which is what I've been wanting and aching for for so long). 

The tricky thing about my situation was that I was hired for a part-time job at the U of A, so I needed to keep my part-time job at the massage company on the weekends. However, my first day at U of A, they wanted to start me off at full-time hours for a month or two. That's how I found myself in a position working two jobs seven days a week. When I told my boss I wanted to reduce my hours instead of become a manager, she was upset/shocked. However, after a day or two she was fine. When the U finally made me an official full-time employee, I gave a month's notice to resign (last day is June 22...can't come soon enough!). She said she saw it coming and was cool with it. I enjoy the massage business when I only work there two days a week - I get to see my friends and some of my favorite clients, and it's pretty low-key. However, I desperately need a break...before I break. It will be sad to leave, nonetheless.

Right now, my daily life consists of 1) work, 2) the option of buying food, cooking food, or some other errand, 3) eating, 4) preparing for next day, and 5) sleeping. On weekends, I don't leave my house when I come home from work unless it's an emergency. Or I'm going out and someone can give me a ride. I have no energy to write anymore, even though there is so much in my life to write about. I may write another post or two tonight, but after that it might not be until after June 22. I hope by then, I'll have more energy.

Adventure: Durian Fruit in Tucson

The last time I had a durian fruit was in 2009 in a botany class taught by the famed Tim Allen. It's notorious for having a terrible smell but amazing-tasting flesh inside. "King of Fruits," I've heard it called and it grows in Southeast Asia. I became interested in eating one again when I discovered that Tucson had a large Asian market on the north side. I finally made it out there last weekend and bought myself a durian...which was definitely an adventure.

After finding my way around the surprisingly-organized grocery store (the Asian markets I'm familiar with are a bit of an overwhelming hodgepodge), I took a few laps around the produce section. However, after searching for 10 minutes, I couldn't find one anywhere. I asked one of the staff members, but he didn't speak English very well and said that they didn't sell them. Disappointed, I was about to leave.

But then I became determined. I had read on a blog post that they WERE there...so I looked it up on my phone and continued to wander. The writer said, "The most unusual fruit is inconspicuously placed in the far right back corner inside a freezer chest box. The chest box contains frozen durian fruit individually placed in green plastic netting."

I excitedly went to the back corner of the store and THERE THEY WERE! Dozens of durians!!

I pulled one out carefully - its spikes made it slightly dangerous. The checkout woman wrapped it in newspaper and then double-bagged it. I walked out very pleased with myself and my find. I felt like I was holding a treasure-bomb. 

I waited a day and a half to let it thaw out. Its frozen state kept it from smelling bad in my refrigerator, but I knew that I could not store it once I cut it open. I had been reading horror stories about people who had to throw out their fridges because the smell absorbed into the plastic.

I went outside at 7:00 in the morning on Sunday before work (and the day before trash day) with a huge knife, some newspaper and growing anticipation. I had no idea what I would find inside. 

I sliced it, but it was still frozen. When they are ripe and not frozen, they look like this:

Mine looked like this:

The photo is a little offensive, I understand. But I was so excited I didn't care! It still didn't smell because it was half-frozen. The inside is a cream and tasted like banana and vanilla custard. It was so delicious and well-worth the cost, trip, and risk of ruining my fridge. 

You can eat them plain or cook with them. It is popular to turn them into smoothies or shakes:

I don't know when I'll have a durian again...probably when I can get a bunch of people together and we can make a party out of it. That way we can eat it all together and maybe make shakes. The best time to buy them, by the way, is in the spring when they are in season and the prices are low ($10-15 vs $20-30). 

I also recommend buying them at least two days in advance to let them thaw, if they are frozen, and to eat it the night before trash day. I'm sure my roommates appreciated my planning on that one.

Career Dilemma: New (Scary) Skills vs Is This Me?

I am looking for a new job and was advised to put a resume up on Monster.com. I did...and used Careerbuilder.com (which has been more useful).  Consequently, I've been contacted by recruiters looking for customer service and sales jobs. I was confused by this...my background is mainly office administration. However, I looked at my resume again and I realized that my latest experience has been mostly client relations. It turns out that a lot of client relations work is "sales."

I never pictured myself as a salesperson. The pressure of doing work for commission stresses me out a lot. Yet I sell every day. I sell our therapists' skills to new and returning clients, convincing them that someone is qualified to work on them and that they do very good work, actually. I also sell our services to people who are price-shopping: we offer quality over quantity, but we do have some discounts going on...

I really enjoy working with people. I like establishing relationships with them, getting to know what they need, and then selling them services based on where their desires intersect what we offer. I like making sure people feel like they are being taken care of. That is the part of sales I like. 

However, I do NOT like trying to convince people to buy something on a cold-call (think mall kiosks and door-to-door people). Rejection is a large part of the selling work and I don't know how well I can handle it on a repeated basis. 

Yet, I'm interested in it and I like learning about it - the communication involved, the body language utilized - and seeing the broader picture of business development at play. I find myself studying sales/customer service reps that I work with to see how their skills are working on me and what I would do differently. Lastly, I like to think of sales as educating people about a service or product and that it's really a partnership operation: we (the business) have something you want (otherwise you wouldn't be here) so let us educate you on your options and find something that fits you. It's service, really, and I like serving. 

I've got one more thing to consider: it really looks like a lot of my options are to go the insurance route, or do some kind of unsavory cold-calling/commission only route in order to get training and learn this business. I'm also worried that I won't be able to find a company I can support. I need to believe in their product/service before I can sell for them. 

Can you see me selling car insurance?? Really?? What happened to introverted, life-analyzing, writer Amy? What is she doing?

Not writing for money, apparently. She could, but that work doesn't appeal to her. She likes talking to people.

I'd really like to work for Intuit right now. That is my goal company. They're a company that designs software for small businesses and they live and breathe their values. And a position as a sales consultant, inside sales rep, and eventually an account manager with them....it sounds nice. Getting in, though, is like entering a forbidden castle. I need skills to persuade that draw-bridge to lower. 

I have a feeling this is a turning point in my career/life. I have a feeling whichever path I choose will not let me go back to where I came from...and that's a little scary...

Movie Report: Her

This is my first "report" on my list of movies I'm watching for the year. I won't report on all of them, but I felt this one was worth mentioning.

Her is about a man who falls in love with an operating system. If you're like me, you're probably thinking, "completely unrealistic," right? But surprisingly, it wasn't. In the way it was depicted, I thought the relationship resembled a long-distance one, as if one person was on the phone the entire time. It was an interesting thing about the OS, though, was how it adapted its tone, behavior, and actions (like pulling up files, turning on devices) to the desires and interests of its owner. It could make the owner laugh, make dinner plans, call his friends, discuss current events, etc. As an audience member, I could see how fake this relationship could potentially be, yet I wanted to believe it. I saw the OS as an invisible person who was nonetheless real. What makes the story even more interesting is the juxtaposition of the owner's failed marriage with this new relationship. He couldn't manage a relationship with someone who was dynamic, who changed, and who was outside of his control (a human in other words); yet he found it fulfilling to be with an operating system who adapted to him and his needs. (This makes me wonder if what he actually loved was another form of himself.)

The film makes you contemplate the complexity of love: how a human loves another being (the components of love and attraction) and how one can love even if the relationship is impossible to maintain.

Rated R for good reason, I still highly recommend this movie. Very thought-provoking on all sorts of levels.

Book Report: Being Both: Embracing Two Religions in One Interfaith Family

When I was in middle school, I wanted to marry a Jewish boy. I think it was because I had met a funny rabbi and therefore believed most Jewish men were funny. (Of course this is a stereotype, but I have met many funny Jewish men since.) Also, I was intrigued by the religion that fathered my own and wanted to learn about it and embrace it. However, in high school I discovered that interfaith marriages were discouraged by both Christians and Jews. Moreover, it was particularly frowned upon if the mother was not Jewish, because then the children "wouldn't" be Jewish. Realizing my unappealing state to this community and not wanting to ostracize my children, I let my marriage ambitions go.

Then in college I came into contact with Muslims. Again, I became intrigued by their culture and beliefs. I participated in a couple Ramadan events while I was a student, and chatted about religion with those I knew from class or the dorms. My high school experience deterred me from considering marrying anyone except a Christian, but I still wondered, "Could such a thing be possible?" To be perfectly honest, I think I often felt like I should marry a Christian, because that was easiest and probably best. But I don't think I necessarily wanted to.

Fast-forward to the present. I happened upon a book at the library, Being Both: Embracing Two Religions in One Interfaith Family. This was it! I thought. Finally a book to answer my nagging questions about interfaith marriages: were they possible, were they doomed?

According to the author, they were possible and they were not doomed. She discussed her own experience growing up in an interfaith family and talked about growth of communities for such families. She also gave examples of marriages that included a mix of Jew, Christian, Muslim, Hindu, and Buddhist people. All of these gave me hope. The common denominator that I noticed for why these marriages worked was that the people were not fundamentalists or literalists of their holy texts. It seemed to me that they believed their faiths shared core values and that their religions were different manifestations of those values. This was cool, but I saw one area of concern: none of these people seemed to believe that there was only one Way.

To me, religion is like a a multi-layered orange. When you get past the rituals, texts, and desired behaviors, you arrive at the path/deed/belief to salvation - the core. In my mind, if you deny your core - the belief that there is one Way - you are taking out the center piece that holds everything together...the rock...the foundation. What is the point of practicing if don't believe in your foundation??

Yet, many people who are in interfaith marriages are actively engaged in their religions and in multiple religious communities. They ask questions and seek answers. These people want to understand, because the cohesion of their families depends on it. They are probably more on board with their faith than many of those who are in single-religion families. They are confident in what they believe and why.

So where do I stand? At this point in my life, I believe there is one Way for me. Yet I believe we all find God through different avenues and they can all be right. We live in a world where people of different countries, cultures, races, and religions are constantly moving and connecting with each other every day. For some of us, marrying someone who has a similar background as us is difficult and - honestly - less appealing. While forming interfaith relationships and families may not be easy, it's nice to know it's possible to do and that they can succeed.

Compensation

Today I received an electronic notice that my checking account has $1 in it. While the situation isn't dire - I have a little money in savings and I get paid today - it was a bit shocking. I realized a few months ago that my current income is no longer livable, so I've started the process of applying for other work. One of the hard things, though, is writing out a resume and saying I'm "excellent" and "exceptional" at what-have-you when there is evidence to suggest otherwise. An incident yesterday made me question some of my abilities I want to "sell" and consequently, it has been difficult writing that resume...

This past month, we've had several scheduling errors where clients have missed appointments because of the schedulers/admin. There's a team of three people who do it: me, Judy, and the owner. Admittedly, we all mess up. There are so many freaking details that go along with running the business that it would take a super-human administrative assistant to get the job done perfectly. However, several errors have traced back to my coworker, Judy, who is newer to the job than I am. The owner was getting frustrated. I feel the pressure, too, though and I'm terrified to make a mistake.

Then yesterday, a client called to confirm an appointment for that afternoon and she wasn't in the calendar. We were unlucky, too, because her slot had been scheduled over. Of course, the client couldn't remember when she made the appointment or who she talked to. I've had a pretty good track record with my scheduling for the last several months, and the owner knew she didn't talk to the client...so she suspected it was another mistake made by Judy. There didn't appear to be any evidence either way, though.

Yet I had a sinking feeling in my stomach. I couldn't remember doing the scheduling, but the client had a treatment on the day I was working. It would have made sense for her to rebook that same day. I checked the company cell phone's message history to see if the appointment had been texted in, but the messages had been cleared since then. At the end of the night, I stopped the therapist who would have had the appointment - did she text in the treatment? She couldn't remember, but I asked her to go through her messages anyway, giving her the date. She found it. The appointment had been scheduled during a short text conversation we had had. I must have gotten distracted and forgot to put it in. Now I had to figure out how to handle it. The mistake should not have happened. Period. I've been there long enough to be more attentive than that.

I decided to leave a note for the owner. I explained to her what happened - that it was my fault the client lost the appointment and not Judy's. I said the client should be compensated a free massage (since that is the right thing to do) and I asked that the price of the massage be deducted from my paycheck when she rebooks (she's a regular, so we knew she would). That way the company gets paid, the therapist gets paid, the client - hopefully - feels taken care of, and I can feel redeemed.

I don't know if she'll actually do it, though. In the past, she's let the business as a whole - and probably herself then - eat the cost. So it means I'll have to make sure it's deducted myself.

Anyway, this event was a blow in two ways:
1) My bank account clearly can't handle any more losses, and
2) I'm not as good as I thought I was.
I was considering applying for a job at the university hospital where the stakes were much higher, but I've lost confidence in my ability to step up to that challenge. I was going to be stretching myself as it was - being somewhat under-qualified for the job - but now...I mean this is a hospital. Life and death happen here. Missing an appointment in a massage therapy center is one thing, but I don't know if I could live with myself if I did the same in a hospital...particularly the Children's Critical Care Unit...

So I'm battling two dilemmas now...the $1 in my bank account and the feeling of being qualified...

Be Allowed to Dream

A friend from Wisconsin was upset that I didn't tell him I was leaving the state until after I was gone.
"You abandoned me!" he said, somewhat jokingly.
"You...and lots of other people, too," I admitted.
"So why did you leave?"
I explained that I wanted to work with a coach who lived here. However, as life worked out, I realized that dancing was to be a recreational thing for me instead of a profession...which is where that path was heading. He responded, "I hate to be a 'Debbie-Downer,' but I knew you wouldn't become a professional dancer." It didn't occur to me at that moment, but I later remembered that that that was why I never told him. I knew he wouldn't encourage me in pursuing something that was "just a hobby" to him. However, I think one needs to be allowed to dream, even if the probability of a dream coming true is low. A person needs room to explore and search, and I try to surround myself with people who will let me do this. I encourage you -- all of you who read this -- to dream, and know that you are allowed to chase it.

20 Books, 20 Films

This year, I'm going to read 20 books and watch 20 films. In truth, I may (I hope) I read and watch more than that, but I'm making a concentrated effort for this particular list. Here are the guidelines:

Books
2 memoirs (M)
3 religious in nature (R)
1 new release (NR)
1 Oprah's book list (O)
10 fiction (I don't read enough fiction) (F)

List
1. My Name Is Red ~ Orhan Pamuk (F)
2. Einstein's Dreams (F)
3. The Fault in Our Stars (F)
4. Being Both (M, R)
5. The Screwtape Letters (R, F)
6. Song of Ice & Fire(F) - book 1
7. book 2 (F)
8. book 3 (F)
9. book 4 (F)
10. book 5 (F)


Movies
3 documentaries (D)
2 foreign films (FF)
1 IMAX (I)

List
1. 127 Hours
2. The Secret Life of Walter Mitty
3. Food, Inc (D)


Feel free to add suggestions. I think I'll knock out a bunch of my requirements pretty quickly.

Help Wanted

I'm in need of a mentor.

Accepting applications now.



After-thought: This may be more effective on craigslist.

On Happiness and What Life Is (shared from a friend)

"Happiness is not an end-goal, but an experience achieved through being fully engaged in the business of living your life..."

and

"...this incubation period that we have entitled as ‘living’ is simply a cyclical process of preparation and learning prior to the next step in our soul’s journey to some currently undefined end state."



So if I may paraphrase...

1) happiness is full engagement with your life, not an achievement
2) "living" is preparation for each challenge we face and learning from its result...all leading to a place we find ourselves going but don't know exactly where it is or what lies there waiting for us.


Thanks for your insights HS ~ http://breakinworld.com/blog/?p=714

Judgement Call

Everything was fine until one of our clients called.

"Hi Amy. I want to confirm my appointment today with Megan at 1:00 at the Northwest office." I scan the calendar. Not there.
"I'm sorry, Jim...you aren't in the calendar for today..."
"Well I made this appointment months ago, back when we were scheduling for several dates at one time."
"Let me see...do you remember who you were talking to about his appointment?" I was stalling and sifting through emails, trying to make sure that this was in fact our mistake.
"I think it was [so-and-so],"  he said. I continued to look while he talked."This is the second time there's been a screw-up," he sighed.
"Let me see what I can do..."
I put him on hold and sure enough. There was the email. He had scheduled the appointment back in September. There was his request and it wasn't put in, and now someone else was in his slot. When we no-show on someone, policy is to give them a free treatment. Loss of income. Not good.

Megan, his therapist, came into the room then. She's a very up-beat, smiley person so I let her talk to him while I tried to coordinate something... she's at location A for one hour...needs travel time...he wants an hour and a half...she could be there at 3:30...two and a half hours later than scheduled, but she can do it... With Megan talking, he seemed to be more flexible and we put him into a later slot. She hung up the phone but the job wasn't done. If I were him, this is what I'd be thinking come payment time:
"You messed up my treatment appointments twice and now I'm taking one today at a later time than I had originally scheduled...and you want me to pay full price even though I was inconvenienced...again. Why should I book with you if I can't be sure I'm actually going to get a massage when I ask for one?"Jim's a nice a guy and he never said any of that, but even nice people get frustrated if they don't get the service they're paying for.

Of course the owner was not around and left me to exercise judgement. I went back and forth weighing monetary gain and loss with client satisfaction gain and loss, trying to find a balance between the two. I realized in the short-term that I could skip the discount and hope Megan would smooth things over. She's good at that. We'd get paid for a full treatment, but he would not entirely trust us the next time he did. OR I could give him a discount, maybe get an irritated reaction from my superior when she came in, but the client would walk away happy. This would be so much easier if my boss were predictable - I would at least know the consequences of my actions.

I thought everything over several times. The bottom line, though, was doing whatever would restore the client's trust with us. Trust is an intangible entity that you can't quantify into numbers, but it's that thing that gives you numbers (brings people in) in the first place. So I gave him a fair (and pretty nice) discount.

A few hours after I left work, I checked in with Megan, asking if Jim was satisfied with his treatment.
"Very," she said. "He said we are great. He was very surprised."
"Oh good. I'm so glad. Thank you." Client saved.
"Thank you for helping me with this. I really appreciate it." She added.
"Helping take care of the client?" I was confused...why would she thank me? This is what I do.
"Yes, ma'am."
"You're welcome...but it is my job."
"Not everyone does their job. You are wonderful at what you do and you are appreciated for it."

This was one of those moments when I felt accomplishment in my work and I sensed a turning point in my own confidence in my level of responsibility. At the end of the day, I'm glad I made the judgement call I did...and I felt I could defend it. The best part, though, was being recognized for the risk I took and being recognized for putting a person above money. That doesn't always happen, so I definitely appreciated it.

Amy + Car = OMGCOMMITMENTFEAR

My final months of Wisconsin-living were plagued with 45-minute to one-hour commutes in my car to and from work. I was determined to only cycle, walk, or take public transportation wherever I lived next. Better for my body. Owning a car would also be expensive (gas + insurance + maintenance) and without one, I could put my money toward other things.

Of course, I imagined I would be living in New York...or Europe...not Tucson.

So far, being carless in Arizona has been pretty ok. I've managed to deal with multiple grocery runs every week and a serious impedance on travel. Tucson is spread out and public transportation is not very convenient - the buses close down EARLY on weekends (?!). But being a cyclist, I don't often worry about traffic, parking, speeding tickets, gas expense, car accidents, insurance, or anything related to a car. Living has been pretty manageable. 

However, the longer I am in Tucson, the more I want to meet people and DO THINGS. To do more, I must travel faster. To travel faster, I need a car. In the past, I've cut my losses: "Oh well, I just won't go to X or try to get a job at Y or skip out on Q...something that I like doing :(." I figured that it would all work out in the end. I also figured I wouldn't be here for too long and buying a car would be a hinderance to my moving. 

Yet here I am. Still in Tucson...with limited funds to move anywhere else and a desire to build a better life and some savings right now. 

So I've been thinking about buying a car once I can afford it...which means that I probably won't try to move away soon...which means I'll be here longer...which means previous dreams of living in a different, more cosmopolitan city are questioned now... :-/ 

And there will be more hot-hot summers in my life...ugh. Committing to Tucson in order to build some life is not a pleasant thought, but I think right now it has to be done. 

So here's to buying a car within the next two years. 

New Years Resolutions

1) Become a better listener. It will help my memory and keep people from repeating themselves.

2) Speak more directly, rather than try to spare people's feelings. I'm still going to choose my words carefully, but I'm also going to say what I need to say.

How Many Years Do You Want?

I'm ready to sell my soul for a cubicle life in return for a live-able paycheck and benefits. Just sayin'.