I hate inspiration

Sometimes I sincerely hate my moments of inspiration. They come at a time when I've already carved out a plan for myself and nag at my brain until I pay them attention. So I do. I drop everything else. I think about them, research them, and imagine how to use them. I let them fill me. I get put on an emotional high as I discover, learn, and fantasize. I even begin the journey and start accomplishing goals toward it. I think, "This is it. This is what I want and I'm not going to let anything change my mind." However, after a month or two, they die away. It isn't because the task gets hard, but more like I lose motivation. The interest simply disappears like it was never there. During the transition, I feel empty and directionless. Or I feel angst and confusion. My life rhythm seems to be that of short-lived flames: I light up with one idea after the next, throwing myself into them, and then exhausting myself shortly after. It is times like these that I wish I lacked imagination. I'm tired of the rollercoaster...though I think I let myself get on. I don't want to be like people I know who start and stop and never get anywhere. Granted, I seem to be making a decent average career for myself in Higher Education Administration, so it's not like I'm scattered and broke.

The Safety of "Natural"

Whenever I come to a professional challenge, sometimes I retreat into the idea that this isn't what I am meant to do...it isn't what I'm good at. I have this belief that the things I'm good at and the things I'm "supposed" to do will employ my natural abilities. However, in thinking this way, I somehow elevate "natural" to the highest power in one's life and then hide behind it. Clinging to what I believe is "natural" allows me to excuse myself from a challenge. I forget about the skills I am very proud to have that did not come naturally to me. I also forget that sometimes "natural" requires an unlocking. When I started ballroom dancing, I wasn't pleasant to watch...I've seen the old practice videos. However, dancing became more natural to me as I put in the hours of training. Sometimes nature has to be constructed, shaped. I'm hoping that curiosity is enough of an indication that a challenging task is worth pursuing.

Financial Planning for Toilet Paper

With my new goal of paying for school, I had to come up with a specific budget plan. Previously, I had a general idea of what I spent on a weekly basis, but I didn't pay super-close attention to it. Now, though, I have a dollar amount in mind so I must be vigilant. I check my bank account often to see what the running totals are, but after reviewing my spending for the past few months, I realized that more money was leaving my hands than I thought. To combat this problem, I've added a new checking account to my banking system. It is as follows:

Checking Account #1: Food
Checking Account #2 **new**: Monthly miscellaneous items (toiletries, household products, movies, haircuts, etc.)
Checking Account #3: Rent. Only one check leaves this account monthly.
Savings Account #1: Short-term. Can dip into this as needed, but low amounts cause me stress.
Savings Account #2. Oh @#$% you lost your job/are in the hospital money. Nothing's wrong? Don't touch - save for school.

When school does happen, I'll create another savings account and split Savings #2. Some people might think this many accounts is excessive, but it helps me ration. Previously, I had one checking account and it drove me nuts when my landlord didn't deposit my check right away. So I took it out of the daily spending equation and put it on autopay. Now there is much less stress in my life, because I don't have to worry about how much money is actually in my account. Since my food and misc. expenses are separated as well, I'll know exactly how much I can spend in either category. This weekend, I was planning to make a Costco trip to stock up on a year supply of toilet paper. However, I might buy a semester bus pass instead, which will use up all of my "misc." money. Therefore, toilet paper will have to wait for two more weeks (which will be ok). I kind of like the awareness budgeting brings to my spending habits. I'm sure Future Amy will appreciate it as well.

GMAT and Coursera

Studying for the GMAT is intense. It's taking up most of my free time. Though I need to review some things in the verbal section, I'm confident about doing well in that section. My skills in the quantitative section, however, are deplorable. I look at questions and say, "I have no idea...and I have 10 seconds left to pick an answer." It's a little disheartening and studying for it makes my head spin. However, I'm not planning to take the GMAT until June, so I have some time.

In the meantime, though, I've signed up for a course on financial accounting through Coursera (pronounced like kor-Sarah). Starts in two weeks. I'm taking the free version, so it isn't for credit, but I'm super excited about it. It's an intro accounting class taught by someone at the Wharton School of Business. I'm so tempted to sign up and pay the money for their "business specializations" certificate (which includes marketing, management operations, finance), because I geek out every time I read through the descriptions - it's everything I want to learn!! Last night I was listening to a new episode of Startup and I was reading producer bios. I thought, "I wish I had the creative curiosity about reporting and audio tech to do what they do..." *Sigh* But then I explore these other business courses and the excitement is definitely there. I'm looking forward to the future.

But for now, back to practice questions and study videos... :-S

Amy's Year in Review 2015

A lot has happened with work this year, so this review will focus a lot on my professional life.

2015 Challenges

Breakdown/personal crisis in January. 2015 hit me hard right off the bat.

Short-staffed February to April at the office. I was taking on so much extra and the stress was upsetting me physically: breaking out, couldn't sleep, binge eating.

Dealing with people exploding/unloading on me, being demanding, and giving me tasks that I felt were inappropriate (e.g. writing his/her letters of recommendation) but to which I couldn't say no.

Figuring out what to do with my life. I've felt so restless this year and frustrated with my job. Sometimes work was crazy and sometimes it was boring. Either way, I do not see the UA as my end all be all. This year I've wanted more out of life, but felt constrained by my lack of transportation and money. I've been lonely for friends and agitated in my search for life-purpose fulfillment.


2015 Successes

Going home for two weddings and introducing Mike to my family at one of them. He was nervous and stressed a lot of the time (because he wasn't working), but we managed to get him out on the dance floor a few times (thanks to an intoxicated sister ;) ). I was glad he was there and he said afterward that it was a good trip.

Taking a family road trip to Wyoming. Being in a truck with family for hours on end was actually kind of fun, and Jackson Hole was a win for everyone. I hope we can do another family trip this year.

Cycling a 68+ mile ride. I've never hated wind and being the middle of nowhere in the desert so much. I'm not going to do any hardcore cycling again for a while, though I still find hills (both up and down) exhilarating.

Earning a very nice - and very needed - promotion at the end of the year.

Building a reputation as very competent, dependable employee. We've been through a couple mini crises this year, and I'm proud of the fact that people have come to depend on me because they know I will get the job done and it will be done well.


Things I've Learned

1) Build relationships with people at work, even if it's in small ways like favors or telling jokes. This could benefit you in the future.

2) Ask for help. My job is a balancing act between serving people and letting them walk all over you. Because I can't really tell people "no," I've learned to reach out to other admins to help me accomplish a task. There are many times where we pick up each other's extra work.

3) At the same time, I've learned that there is a line. Watching people take advantage of someone who was always open to everyone and couldn't say no has shown me the toll it can take. I will not be a doormat.

4) My supervisor Maria is amazing. Her work is stressful in that she's often cleaning up the mistakes of the Chairman (he missed a meeting or didn't clear travel approval before he left) while assisting in running the department. However, she doesn't forget her admin staff in the process. She wants what is best for us and trusts us all completely. She has no desire to micromanage. Once I asked her about the gates to the research area of our department (there's a changing room there that I like to use when I bike in the morning). I mentioned that sometimes security locks it at night and then doesn't unlock it in the morning, which is frustrating for me. "You need a key!" She said. "I didn't know you didn't have one!" And there was a key for me the next day. No more questions asked. She also encourages us to grow in our careers, even if that is outside of Medical Imaging and the university. Discussions have taken place between her and individual admins about looking for work elsewhere (for monetary or other reasons). She's told me that if I ever needed to move, she would gladly provide a reference. We need to do what is best for ourselves, she says.

Little by little I've been working on adopting her mindset...being trusting and supportive of an employee as a person (not just an employee for the department) and not micromanaging. I hope to be like her if/when I become a manager.

5) I bought a 4-inch memory foam mattress topper for myself. It's made a difference for sure and I look forward to going to bed now.


Goals/Thoughts/Desires for 2016

I'm going to be working with an especially dramatic and controlling person here on out - until the end of my time at Medical Imaging most likely. My goal is to learn how to work with her without losing my mind. I think if I can do that, I can do anything.

I've started doing 30 minute workouts in the morning at home. They combine strength training (using mainly body weight) and cardio. Plyometrics is almost always involved. They've made a difference in my strength and they make me feel good. My goal is to build a habit of doing this six days a week.

I am also making a habit of reading something intellectually stimulating every day - like a journal article on science, business, health, culture. I want to be more intelligent about my world and consequently more engaged. For instance, I just read about the health and financial/political crises happening in Brazil: the first female President faces impeachment for hiding budgetary issues and a virus (Zika virus) that causes microcephaly (small heads) in babies is spreading through the country via mosquitos. On top of that, the Olympic games is due to be in Rio this summer. These are important things to know, because they could eventually affect us in the US. I'm making the decision to be more informed and exercise my brain just as I do my body.

It's been a year since I've been to the cardiologist. I might try to find a primary care doctor and get a check up on my cholesterol situation. I know my vitals all seem to be good - super low heart rate, good blood pressure. It couldn't hurt to follow up, though.

As you read here, I've decided to pursue business school instead of a car. My first goal through June is to study for the GMAT. The intensity of this exam process didn't sink in until yesterday when I was setting up a plan. I was thinking more about business school, as well, and I became afraid. I was afraid of debt, disrupting my routine, and lack of sleep. I was afraid of the competitive atmosphere and being behind everyone else. I'm not practiced to think strategically in business! I was afraid of the realization that maybe I wasn't good enough to be there. Why did I want to go to business school anyway?? How am I going to answer that question in essays, interviews, and conversations at work? I'm not panicked right now, but these are things I'm going to work out over the next few months. The thing is...the more I think about business school, the more scared I become and the more I want to go. It's an emotional tennis match. All I'm going to say is, let's get through round one of the GMAT and see how things go.

Over and out. Bring on 2016.