Yearly Review: 2017 to 2018

Wow! What a year! As usual, let's look at my goals from last year and compare to what actually happened:

Goals for 2017

1) Front splits and side splits. (Stretch goal) - Nope. This did not happen.
2) Make rondes (RON-days) that are level with my head when I kick them in my routines. Neither did this, but I need to work on it.
3) Semi-final in SOMETHING at NDCA nationals this year. (Stretch goal). We only made it as far as quarter final in novice standard; round three for pre-champ standard and novice latin, and round one for pre-champ latin.
4) Do four dance competitions (big, small, medium, whatever). Yes: People's Choice, Galaxy, Chicago Dancesport Challenge, and Devil Dancesport Invitational.
5) Dance a latin and standard routine that I'm not ashamed to post on facebook/youtube. I think I posted a latin routine from a showcase, but unfortunately, that's the only one I liked. Everything else I've danced has been painful to watch. For standard, I'm more willing to post those videos. I'm also looking forward to more videos, because I think my posture has improved by a few miles since my last competition.
6) Successfully rhinestone a standard and latin dress. Meaning, they don't look bad. Yeah, I think this one was accomplished :).
7) Design a practice dress and sew it. (Stretch goal) Ha. No way. The sewing dream has been left behind. I still have my singer (and I still love it), but I just don't have time to learn to sew. I can give it maybe a few hours on the weekend.
8) Make friends at dance competitions. Yes!!! I've made lots of new friends and it's been SO fun!!

Additional thoughts: I think this is the first year I've had solid goals that I believe are attainable. A few of them are "stretch goals" that may be a little ambitious, but they aren't impossible. My only professional goal this year is to not get fired. I need my job to support my dancing habit. I'm pretty excited about 2017. I'm hoping to be in a place I don't expect (in a good way) by this time next year.

I definitely ended up in a place I didn't expect: engaged!
My professional goal at the UA for this year is to, again, not get fired.

Plans and goals for 2018 and 2019

Ibrahim and I have already been looking ahead. He will be teaching three courses in the fall (max load), so that he can take off for the spring of 2019. A friend/colleague of his in England is organizing some kind of semester-long project. If Ibrahim can get funding, he'll make a few trips over there. If he can't, he'll work from home. He's also hoping to get some of his own research done during that time and publish some papers. So fall 2018 is going to be extremely busy for him and we probably won't be competing much. We'll already have two weddings to attend - one being our own. Also, since he has something going on in England in 2019 anyway, we're planning to compete at Blackpool that year. I am not anticipating anything miraculous, but we want to make our first attempt then. Our goal is to go twice before we're designated to senior division.

2018 Goals

1) Final at Nationals in novice standard, both NDCA and USA Dance. We've already pointed out of novice standard in USA Dance, so we're hoping to final. Either way, we have to move up.

2) Achieve more muscular definition. I've been working out at home and slowly building my home gym (which I love!) I really like all the workout "toys": dumbbells, kettlebells, resistance bands, balls, plyo boxes, etc. I enjoy strength training, especially the kind that involves more intricate coordination (combination moves). However, I feel like I've been working out and I still look like a marshmallow. I'm hoping to change that this year.

3) Perform at a charity/fundraising event. We have various charity events in Tucson and I would like to perform at one of them. A lot of professionals will do performances to get students, but I just want to put on a show! Ibrahim and I are at a level where we look like professionals to the laypeople, so I think we could pull off an entertaining performance :).

4) Get married. This seems like a non-fail goal, but I swear...the planning is so hard for me. Every time I think I have a plan, guest list, venue, date, or schedule, things change. I'm hoping things will come together.

5) Get a professional portrait taken. I would just really like one of these. I've been looking for a photographer who I think would capture the mood/image I want.

6) Make more dance friends. I feel like I can't have enough of these.

Main take-away from 2017 and hope for 2018

The message that stayed with me for half of 2017 was to really appreciate life and put myself out there to meet people. This year - as you know - I knew a young man, Nic, who died two months after we met. I knew him for such a short time and yet he left an unforgettable impression on me. He was so open and friendly; just knowing him made me feel good. After he died, I learned that he was like this with everyone and he shared his love of dance with everyone in his community. He was one of the top amateur dancers in the country and there wasn't a haughty bone in his body. I only met Nic because Ibrahim suggested going out with him and his partner; I was too shy otherwise. I nearly missed an opportunity to be graced by his life. Anyway, since his death, I decided I wanted to be like Nic. I wanted to be as open and friendly. I wanted to express love and happiness more and connect with people. Being isolated makes me unhappy, but I'm not always brave enough to step outside my box - what if people think I'm weird or don't like me? Now, I care less. When I think that my life could be taken from me at any day, I want to take advantage and spread light.

My hope for 2018 is to continue the openness and positivity. Of course, I also hope that everyone in my life stays healthy and no tragedy comes upon us.  I want to continue the adventures and I'm loving the unexpected, happy surprises that come up - I hope there are more! :)

Happy New Year, everyone!

P.S. For a photo review of 2017, check out my #BestNine2017 on instagram: https://www.instagram.com/p/BdWRS1VgDSy/

Losing Trust and Latin Dancing

It’s disheartening to lose trust in your coaches. You want to hold them up as knowers-of-all who will lead you successfully through the world of dance. However, at the end of the day, they are people and I think I’ve questioned all of them at one point: they’ve given me instruction that seems mechanically incorrect, or they’ve been too vague (i.e. “you need to figure it out for yourself [what I mean]), or they put you – the student – in charge of the lesson. They all have the knowledge, but occasionally a flag goes up. I’ve learned that sometimes a flag is actually a different interpretation or a quirk of the person. For instance, I have one teacher who can be so cryptic at times that her instruction causes me frustration. But then one day – after months of not seeing her - she’ll give a simple correction, and everything she said before strikes like a chain reaction: piece after piece suddenly come together and I can see a larger picture. My faith is restored.

However, I feel like Ibrahim and I are struggling with our Latin coach. We had a long conversation with her about a month ago regarding trust. This was a conversation I wanted to write about because it was particularly insightful, but I haven’t had the time. Essentially, she didn’t think we trusted her, and we didn’t. We felt like she let us do whatever we wanted and didn’t take the reigns in teaching us. She realized this was because of the teaching style imposed on her when she worked in an American chain studio: “the customer is always right” sort of deal. She was understanding now that this wasn’t what every student wanted or needed. She’s been trying a new approach ever since and it’s been helpful.

Our improvement in Latin, though, has been smaller and moving more slowly than that of our Standard, even though we have Latin lessons almost every week (we have Standard about twice a month). It’s hard to say why this is…are we physically less apt for Latin dancing? Did our trust issue with our coach put us behind? Is it our coach’s instruction? Is it because we won a few Standard events in Chicago, and consequently we have more drive to improve?

Let me just vent for a second. I’m losing interest in Latin dancing. I used to love it because I loved feeling every muscle in my body move. I love the drums in samba…they feel like a second heartbeat coursing through my body. However, my joy is not in Latin these days. It’s a struggle to practice, but I make myself do it. Lately, I’ve felt like I’ve been doing it for Ibrahim. He wants to improve and keep going. I might be going through a phase, and maybe I’ll get excited about it again once I see some progress. But it’s been a struggle. When I dance Latin, I feel like I give it a 10 (out of 10) and on video it looks like a 2.5. I don’t like the way I look. We’ve been working on three dances for the last year and a half, and I am not interested in learning the other two. I feel like we have a better chance of making some gains in Standard competitions, and I’d rather do that. I’d rather put my energy into one style and excel at it than spread my resources thin and stay in pre-champ for years. I admit that I'm also losing some faith in my Latin coach, and may become more frustrated with it if we continue taking lessons. I like her as a person and I'm willing to keep going for a few more months, but if I make an effort and don't see much improvement, I have a feeling I will want to cut it off.

But every time I bring up specialization, Ibrahim says, “Let’s get through this year’s nationals and then assess.” So that’s our plan through April.

I want to quit my job

I want to quit my job. I am dissatisfied with my work. I thought maybe if I have something outside of work that fulfills me, having a "pay the bills" job is fine. For about a year, it was. However, things for me have changed. I'm starting to feel irritated with/intolerant of things that never really bothered me before: my pay, my work hours, the way one or two people treat me, the trainings and meetings I'm  expected to attend, my new responsibilities, etc. In fact, sometimes I don't want to do anything and get annoyed when people ask me to complete various tasks. However, I keep my emotions in check and do what I need to do. I know it's not my work - it's me.

The truth is, I don't feel fulfilled with my work. I don't feel like I'm growing in the direction I want. When you are working toward a goal and you're on the path you want to be on, you can put up with all kinds of crap: people taking advantage of you, lousy hours, little to no benefits, and low pay. You deal with it, because in the end it will pay off. On the other hand, if you have everything - good pay, good benefits, flexible hours, great coworkers - but don't feel fulfilled, all these things get on your nerves...probably irrationally. That's where I am right now.

The problem is, I don't know where to go or what would make me feel fulfilled. I've been reading a lot of articles on fulfilling careers and career changes, but nothing has sparked an idea. Or a plausible idea. I just know I want to create things. I've thought about photography, writing, websites, and marketing/advertisement. I've also thought about become a dance teacher...but the pay for that quite low unless you're well-known or have serious business skills (aka not a great teacher, but you can sell).

I don't know what I'm going to do, but I want to figure it out soon. I'm increasingly dreading the days I have to go to work and I'm getting cranky. I need to figure things out before I explode.

Chicago Dancesport Challenge - Standard

I think I messed up more at this dance competition than I did at any other. During my first side of foxtrot, I caught Ibrahim's leg 1/3 of the way through and stumbled around pretty badly the rest of the way. I thought for sure we were done. No callback. We messed up a lot after that, too. Aside from mistakes, though, my posture was visibly poor. I was definitely tired and my neck was cramping.

Off the floor, we waited for results and got ready for the next event. Each time I was expecting not to be called back. And each time we were. I was honestly surprised.

However, the rounds became more challenging in terms of energy. I remember thinking each time I walked on the floor, "Oh my god I can't do this." The thought of Quickstep made me want to cry. But I had to do it. Almost every time I was praying for the music to be over.

When we reached the final rounds and stood waiting to go on the floor, Ibrahim said, "It doesn't matter what happens from this point forward. We made the final and we're going to nationals." Ibrahim originally wanted to place in the top three, but when we saw our competitors, we knew it would be tough. From this point forward, we just wanted a clean run; we were content with our placement - whatever it was.

When we finished the Pre-Champ final, I was nearly dead. We lined up and awaited our awards. I kept waiting for the next number they called to be ours, but it was always someone else's. Finally it came down to me & Ibrahim and Colin & Aya, two dancers who were much more experienced than us. I was ready to take second. And then the official called their number. ...What?? I looked at Ibrahim. We WON?? I'd never won anything in ballroom before (nothing that was contested anyway). I honestly didn't think I'd ever win...just final my way through, lol. So this was a big deal.

The Novice final was next. I thought it would be weird if we won the higher level and not the lower one, but it could happen. People trip all the time and mess up.

Nope, we won that one, too. I got to bow twice!

I was floored by these results. Did we look better than I thought? Did everyone else really look worse than us? I needed feedback. I asked Heather and my former coaches for their honest opinions...and they let me know. They were as surprised as we were about the results. Out of the two of us, I seemed to be the weaker link: I looked like I was hanging on Ibrahim sometimes, struggling to keep up with him, moving into his space, looking like I was going to pass out, and my neck was contorted; our movement looked flat and about half the time we weren't in harmony together.

That all brought me back down to earth. They told me not to take the criticism too harshly - enjoy the win - but remember that a placement isn't necessarily an indicator of your dancing. You could do really well and not place and do poorly and win. It all depends on the judges. Sometimes you get lucky and they only see your good moments.

...well, I did ask for their opinions, right?

Watching the videos afterward was painful. I saw everything my friends and coaches saw. Heather was filming and at one point she yelled, "You got this! Almost done!" ...and you could see me bob along with a crooked neck...looking like a dying swan.  But somehow we got through and the judges either missed our mistakes or didn't regard them as significant. I really didn't get it. The only explanation anyone, including myself, could come up with was that Ibrahim had a really good frame and large movement (because he's tall). It made him/us stand out.

This competition gave me a lot to think about. I've been enjoying the high of winning, for sure. Even if I don't talk about it, I'll just start smiling and think, "Wow! We did it!" However, there's also a feeling that our win wasn't real...that something was wrong and that's how we got through. Instead of making me feel confident, I now feel like I need to step up my game and prove that I deserve to win. I need to show that I don't look like a dying swan, but a flying one....that this result may have been a fluke, but that doesn't mean the rest will be. It's a tall order and we will have to practice a lot.

Turning 30

Fair warning: a short reflection on my twenties turned into an essay - so if you read it, you might want to grab a coffee ;).

 ~~~~

 My twenties were something else. They held some of the best moments of my life, including my college graduation; dancing on the Badger Ballroom Dance Team; traveling to Turkey by myself; getting my writing published; vacations with family; and meeting brilliant, bold, hilarious, creative, and crazy people who changed my life.

 However, among the bright moments, my twenties also had a running theme of survival. The early years were spent figuring out how to "adult": live with roommates, survive college, cook decent food, not burn my house down, navigate the professional world, pay bills, avoid Madison city parking police, and find that ever-elusive Life Direction. Life definitely challenged me. But at the age of 24, I kicked up the intensity. I moved across the country to Tucson - a place I’d never been, where I didn’t have a job or home lined up, and where I only kind of knew one person. I packed two suitcases and bought a one-way plane ticket. When I tell people this, many say, “That took guts,” or “That was brave." I usually respond, "Yeah...or dumb." There's a fine line, really. At the time, I was intoxicated with two things: leaving Wisconsin and ballroom dancing. I felt suffocated by familiarity and needed a change of pace, and I was pursuing something specific: Tucson had a teacher from whom I wanted to learn. So I left. The downside was that I didn't have a good plan. Our country was still climbing out of the recession and I barely had an employment history. Some people do this and hit the ground running. My landing wasn't bad, but it turned into a quicksand situation. After several months of trying to make it, things weren’t working out and I went through some tough shit. I became too broke to move anywhere else and had too much pride to return home or ask for help. I was fortunate to find good people to provide a roof over my head. One household even "adopted" me as a family member, which was wonderful and made holidays easier. However, I rarely talked about the reality of my life to anyone: how I was surviving on food stamps, how I nearly ended up at the Salvation Army (and instead lived across the street from it), and how my days were mostly just working to exist. Frankly, I was ashamed of what I had become and of what I was going through. More than this, though, I was ashamed of my naiveté. I tried to follow a passion/dream/fantasy and I failed horribly.

 As I struggled to rebuild my life, I went through some dark periods of depression and/or fear, as well. Some are still too sensitive to share the details and with one in particular, I didn’t know if I would make it out the other side. At one point, I found myself in a situation I never thought I'd face, and - feeling the most distressed and hopeless I’d ever felt in my life - I admit I contemplated all the options. More than once it seemed my life was saved by an act of God/the Universe/whatever you want to call it, and I am grateful. I moved through these periods with the amazing help of others (particularly Kristen Mae), became a stronger person, and today I am fierce about protecting the healthcare, safety, and mental well-being of women.

 During the healing process of these times, I also severed pieces of my former identity and sense of self. Emotionally, I felt like I was cutting off limbs of my body, pieces that once made me who I was. However, I recognized those limbs no longer served me; I had changed. But as the wounds healed, new limbs began to grow and I felt a new sense of personal empowerment and authenticity. I had a habit of yielding to others and giving them more control than I should have. But now I was taking a firmer grip on the reigns of my life and directing it in a way true to me.

 Meanwhile, dancing was completely out of the question and I resented it for a while. I believed this childish dream and self-indulgent passion ruined my life, so I tried to suffocate it. It kind of worked. I spent most of my Tucson years working to pay bills and buy groceries, keeping myself occupied with inexpensive/free activities here and there, and hoping to live better one day…which was happening slowly. Even though I found wonderful company – people whom I love for bringing me joy and showing me kindness - I still felt an internal emptiness. Deep down, I spent four years feeling like a failure and wondering if my move was nothing but a detrimental mistake; years of my life wasted. I had wanted to be something…and I was nothing.

But things changed last year. I received a promotion at work and nearly cried when they told me my salary - I could afford a real life. Several people encouraged me to try dancing again and while it took some convincing, I decided to give it a shot. I emailed the only international style dancer I knew, someone I met years ago. I asked if he could recommend a few local teachers. By the next day, he had given me a thorough reply and – by the way – his partner had just moved to California, so he was looking for a one. My first day back on the floor was a try out - GAH. I was so nervous and my dancing was rusty and awkward. But it didn't matter in the end. When I left the studio, I felt that internal emptiness fill with light. I experienced a deep sense of happiness that I hadn’t felt for a long time.

Since then, every part of my life seems to have opened and grown: my dance knowledge and opportunities, my circle of friends, creative projects, my health, travel, and I found a funny and wonderful partner for life (and all the science experiments and lectures that come with him). I finally feel what it is like to flourish and not just survive. Tomorrow I turn 30, and I’m looking forward to it. I made it, everyone, and I’m glad to leave those intense coming-of-age years behind. I sincerely thank all of you - my family and friends - who have been with me along the way.

I don’t expect the next decade to be void of pain and setbacks, but my hope is that it will be one of living more fully than before – with more laughter, confidence, creativity, drive, community, and, of course, dancing.

Photo credit: While I only train in ballroom these days, I've danced other styles in the past and I simply love to move. Many, many thanks to Ed Flores for catching my dancing soul on film. 

Flying 

Painting

Dreaming

Standard at Galaxy, the aftermath, and photos.

I never followed up from my previous post. The Standard part of the competition went fine. One of my favorite coaches from the midwest who probably did not remember me and had no idea I took a lesson from him at one time - Bill Sparks - even came up to us afterward and said, "good job!" That made my day. Probably by the nature of Standard, our dancing wasn't amazing, but it didn't make me cringe when I watched the video. Latin makes me cringe almost always.

Like I mentioned in my last post, we decided to scale down our latin routines. We've trimmed them severely and essentially made them syllabus, which I'm totally ok with. It's such a great feeling to do a simple figure and work on the movement instead of racking your brain trying to remember where your feet go or hope you keep your balance during the syncopation. We're still struggling to remember some parts, because our old routines are still in our bodies, but I hope we can pull it together by the end of the month.

For those of you not on my facebook or instagram, here are some photos from the event:

 This photo is of Ibrahim sewing my large stones on my dress...and me wearing them! *Teamwork*

 This is a start, but hoping to make these jumps bigger in the future. 

Galaxy Dancesport Competition - Latin

We competed on Thursday evening in Latin at Galaxy Dancesport Festival and I was terribly nervous. I was afraid of forgetting my routines and with good reason: they were complicated and had sections that were similar enough to confuse. Also, we were the only couple in our event. This meant that we would "win" regardless, but also that we would be the only ones on the floor. If we messed up, we were front and center. During open warm ups, I continued to drill sections, with or without Ibrahim. I just had to get through these few sections of Cha Cha - our first dance - and I'd be ok.

 As luck had it, they combined our event with open Latin, so we had another amateur couple to compete with. It made me feel a little better to share the focus with others on the floor. That's such a change from when I was a young child. I loved being the center of attention at dance recitals. My teachers would actually PUT me in the center of my peers because I was the most charismatic. Twenty five years later, though, I am exceedingly nervous when asked to demonstrate or perform by myself. I wonder what happened.

We got out on the floor and messed up our Cha Cha almost immediately. Ibrahim's mind went somewhere else and he started changing our choreography. When we realized we weren't in a good position to continue, we floundered for several seconds and it was obvious. My mind was confused until Ibrahim did something I recognized. Then we were ok, but I continued to make mistakes. Not huge ones, but ones that would make me cringe when watching the videos. We made it through samba and rumba ok. Still made mistakes, but they didn't throw us off. One of our standard coaches, Artem, was there watching. When we left the floor, he gave us both hugs and said we needed to have drinks before we went on the floor to help us relax. He told us good job, but it felt like consolation.

Ibrahim talked to Artem afterward about our dancing. Artem told him that we did some things better than the other couple, but we were also all over the place and doing choreography way over our heads. The other couple, whose dancing was smaller and simpler, would beat us because they were cleaner. That stung. Going into the competition, we definitely thought we were technically better, but it turns out we weren't. If we were stronger than them on some things we masked it with our inability to do anything else well.

 Ibrahim and I had a conversation about our dancing on the 2.5-hour drive home. This performance left me disappointed. I was unhappy with myself for being so anxious. I thought I could have danced better, but my nervousness about losing my balance and forgetting my choreography got in the way. I also felt like we had a mountain in front of us. We had spent over four months building three new Latin routines that we couldn't actually dance. It shouldn't take that long. We barely spent any time working on basics - the quality of our dancing. Our next comp was in less than two months and if we wanted a chance to qualify for Nationals, we would again need to work on our routines and simplify them. Moreover, I felt that the responsibility of this rested on our shoulders. One of our coaches came up with one of our routines for last season on the fly and for reasons I won't explain here, it it wasn't good. So my trust in her choreographing dropped. Our other coach - our main Latin coach - for some reason can't tell us "no." I like her as a person and she's become like family to me. However, she can't seem to gauge our level or tell us not to do something if we aren't ready for it. If we look at a move by a professional couple and say we want to do that, she helps us incorporate it into our routine. She doesn't say, "no, that is above your level, you should be doing X instead." As students, we're clueless. We don't always know that we can't do something. We need someone to guide us, at least until we're experienced enough to understand better what we're doing. Our Standard coaches tell us what to do all the time, because they know we don't understand certain concepts yet.

 We watched our videos when we got home. They weren't as horrible as we thought, but I had hoped for better. Ibrahim thought our dancing was an accurate display of our level and our ability. We decided not to rebuild our routines completely, but we will try to simplify them where we can.

 We compete in Standard on Saturday. Hopefully those dances will go better.

Photoshoot

It finally happened! I finally had the dance photoshoot I've been waiting for. The studio had an urban vibe to it - high ceilings, brick walls. A small sprung dance floor surrounded by lighting equipment was on the far side. The building was cooled by only a swamp cooler, so it was humid.

We began the shoot with me dancing until he saw something he wanted to focus on. He would choose a pose and then have me move through it. He would take a picture, examine it, and then have me adjust: turn my hips 15 degrees counterclockwise, bring my left shoulder toward him, look slightly down, break the wrist line, put my arms above my head, soften the fingers, jump, keep my feet together tight, and point the toes. He'd give me 5-6 instructions at a time and then build from there. Inevitably I'd forget something. He'd then remind me or I'd say, "Oh I forgot! Let me try again!" We would do the pose 7-8 times and he would take one shot for each take. Sometimes in the middle of a pose he would say, "Oh! You gave me an idea!" and we would try something different.

Every so often, I would look at each set of photos we took throughout the session. I was struck by the contrast between what I felt and images I portrayed on camera. I realized that taking photos is like any performance art: the emotion you convey to the audience is not something you actually feel. What you feel is purely physical - you're going through the list of tasks you need to accomplish: eyes closed, chin down, feet together, jump. I could immediately relate this to when I'm dancing in a showcase or performing theatre on stage: I rarely ever felt anything, I just followed my instructions/training. However, it became even clearer to me in this photo session that feeling emotion and showing emotion are two completely different things.

While Ed did some directing of our time, a lot of it was spent collaborating and some decisions were completely left up to me. He would take a series of photos and then have me look at them. I would look at the positioning of my head/shoulders/hands/feet/legs and then get back on the floor to angle them more, give more extension, or relax.

About three quarters through the session, my toes started hurting. I reached down to touch them and realized I was getting blisters, and the skin was coming off on one of them. I had done everything barefoot until that point, which I wasn't used to - usually I had suede under my feet. But I didn't want to stop the shoot. As long as I wasn't bleeding, I'd keep going. We did two more costume changes.

After nearly four hours, we called it a day. I was worn out, my feet were beat up, and I was sweating a ton from the humidity and heat. All in all, it was a good experience. Before I walked out of the studio, I was already thinking about how and when I would do it again and what I would change for next time :).

I included some of the photos from the shoot below (we took hundreds of shots). These are all raw images that have zero editing. I chose three from the entire batch Ed gave me and he will give them the final polish. Those proofs are not here and I'll show their final versions in a future post.

Engagement

Fourth of July is hot in Arizona. Every year I think it would be great to go out and see fireworks and every year I remember how unappealing it is to sit in 95-100 degree temperatures at 9:30pm. Not only that, but if you go down town, you have to bring chairs and walk a quarter mile from the car to where you want to sit. Ibrahim and I decided to stay home and try to watch fireworks from the roof. We could see a couple shows happening around the city, though all were far away and partially concealed by trees. But we had a comfortable camping pad to sit/lounge on and we could still see some cool explosions. Around 9:45, I started to get tired and said, “Ok, it’s time for bed.” Ibrahim said, “Wait, before we go to bed, you still need to do something.” I was confused…I did laundry, packed my lunch, didn’t leave any of my usual messes around… “Brush my teeth? Take a shower?” I asked. “Put on your slippers,” he said. “Go look at that skylight.” I got up and walked toward it. Now remember, there are some lights from the streets and people’s homes, but it’s still pretty dark. I went to the skylight and saw a black something. It looked like a mouse, but it wasn’t moving. I had no idea what Ibrahim was trying to pull, but I wasn’t getting any closer to it. Ibrahim finally came over, picked it up, and handed it to me. It was a velvet pouch. The next few minutes were a whirlwind. As I opened it and pulled out a heart-shaped ring box, he said, “Even though it is independence day,” Ibrahim asked, “Amy, would you give up your independence and marry me?” Of course I said yes. I couldn’t quite believe it, though. My head was spinning. I felt completely overwhelmed. I wasn’t expecting this. I knew Ibrahim would propose someday, but I thought that would be next year, honestly, in 2018 sometime. I also thought the proposal would be different…maybe more public…or in a different location…like we would take a drive somewhere, have dinner. But proposing here and now…I wasn’t expecting it. I felt unprepared. For the rest of the evening, my mind was in a state of bewilderment, disappointment, and shock. I wasn’t the “happiest person in the world.” Actually, aside from the details of the proposal itself, being engaged suddenly scared me. I had to wear this ring now that would declare my status to everyone. That’s the point, right? To show off? I didn’t want to show off. I didn’t want to wear anything. The fact that my life was changing right now became real to me. Don’t misunderstand…soon after we started dating I figured I would marry Ibrahim. He is a wonderful boyfriend. He does all my dishes and lets me eat his pasta, even after I told him I didn’t want any when he was making it. I love our life together and couldn’t imagine being with anyone else. I saw myself growing old with him. But holding a ring in my hand was kind of daunting. I just became engaged and I was not loving it. What was wrong with me? Back inside, I felt awkward. I didn’t know what to say or feel. I was just confused.  

Nevertheless, I carried my ring to work with me in its heart-shaped box and little pouch. I couldn’t wear it yet because it was too big. But I would pull it out when no one else was around and look at it. He bought this for me. Even if I could wear it, I wasn't ready. I just wasn't ready.

We took my ring in to get resized and you could see other couples around picking rings. I felt weird. My ring size, by the way, is 3.5. Ibrahim couldn’t believe it was that small.

 Over the next several days, I felt all sorts of things: happy, scared, anxious, excited, worried, bewildered, denial. I even cried once. Ibrahim later told friends that he could see I was in shock: I sort of walked around the house in a daze.

Aside from being engaged, the idea of planning a wedding was WAY more than I could handle. I’d get panic moments at work: What do I do? How much will this cost? Where will it be? Don’t these things have color schemes? Do I have to have bridesmaids? I don’t think I have any good enough friends to be bridesmaids. Wedding became the "W" word and I would freeze up anytime Ibrahim or I mentioned it.  

Finally, the following Saturday night, I needed to talk about what was going on and what we were getting ourselves into. Ibrahim and I have talked about things here and since we started dating, but I wanted to nail things down. We had a long conversation about what marriage meant to each of us, our fundamental beliefs, children, and dancing. I wanted to know that we were on the same page, and for anything where we weren’t, how we anticipated dealing with those differences. We also talked about how we could potentially change in the future. In the end, we aligned well on a lot of things. We both wanted a permanent life partner, and we wanted to marry each other because we worked well as a team and we enjoyed being with each other. Personally, I love that Ibrahim allows me to be me, accepts it, and wants to be a part of my life. He has demonstrated that from the beginning – going out of his way just so he can be present in my day-to-day happenings. I also love how he keeps me calm. I tend to worry a lot and he’s always saying, “It’s going to be ok! Don’t worry!”

 I felt a lot better after our conversation and was ready to announce our engagement. I wasn't sure whether or not I wanted to tell anyone besides my family. You’re throwing a big chunk of your personal life out into the open, into the wild. Who knows how things will go over? 

I think my family was as shocked as I was when I texted them. Maybe a little more. None of them have met Ibrahim. Heather and Christine congratulated me. My dad was brief. My mom couldn't get the message. Eventually I was able to call my mom a few hours later and talk to her. She sounded cautious and skeptical, but was also supportive and positive at the same time. She probably figured there wasn't much for her to say or do. When I called my dad a little later, he admitted he was shocked. Both my mom, my dad, and Brenda (Evan even made a vocal appearance) chatted with Ibrahim for a little while. I think this was everyone’s first real conversation with him. Neither my dad nor Brenda had ever spoken to him before. It seemed to go over alright.

 I wasn't going to post any photos of my ring, because I hate it when women do that: show off their hand in any way possible. Of course, though, my mom asked for one, so I made Ibrahim take one with me. We fumbled around for a good shot and finally settled on one that looked Arizona-ish and was in focus. Then I posted it on Facebook. I debated doing this. I wasn't feeling particularly joyful. However, I rationalized that everyone has his/her moment to announce an engagement, and this was mine. Instead of people finding out piecemeal and watering down the experience, I might as well open the floodgates, have my moment, and hope it turned out ok. The response was overwhelming. People were "liking," reacting, and commenting every few seconds. People I haven't talked to in years were congratulating me.

 In contrast to my parents, people from our Tucson dance community were excited right away. These people see us on a weekly (sometimes daily) basis and would exclaim, “Congratulations! You guys are so great together!! This is really great news!” It was encouraging. I'm glad it seemed like a good idea to some people besides us.

I told a few coworkers the next day, but let everyone else discover my ring for themselves. I was still getting used to the idea. Now – a few weeks in – I’ve started to forget I have it on. I was pointing out some edits on a letter for a doctor and he said, “Did you get engaged?” I said yes and he responded, “Well, congratulations. I just kept seeing something flashing in my eyes!” Oh…heh.

 I feel much more comfortable with the idea of getting married now. I think my family and other people have had time to let the idea settle in, and now everyone is looking forward to a wedding, which still stresses me out. Sometimes I want to say, “Forget it! We’re going to get married by ourselves, plus a couple of witnesses.” But I think I would feel like I missed out if I didn’t have a wedding celebration with my family and friends. I just don’t know what I’m going to do. Everyone says, “You have time, don’t worry.” But you don’t…you need to book a year in advance sometimes. That means decisions need to be made MORE than a year in advance. I also have to figure out how much we can afford to spend. I don’t care about the details of party favors or invitations. I don’t think I’ll even have them. Maybe I’ll get one made for a scrapbook, one made for my mom, and one made for my dad. Done. Everything else is electronic. Facebook invitations. I care mostly about the dance party and having a bunch of people there.

 Back to marriage, though…I used to think it was risky marrying someone you knew for a year or less. You needed at least two-three years to know. However, I dated someone for three years and I was skeptical about a future with him for a lot of the time. I wanted us to work, but that was different from having evidence that it would. With Ibrahim, I could see early on that we would work well together. I think a large part of that was because he wanted a future together, and he showed that he wanted it every day. I now believe that when you find the right person – regardless of how long you’ve known each other - you will know he/she is the right person. Then, if you’re at a point in life when marriage makes sense (or if you just want it!), you should go for it. That’s where I am – I’ve finally found my person, my other half – and I’m excited for our adventures to come.