Death

I didn't know what else to call this post. I'm just so shocked. I found out today that Nic, the dancer from my Holy Grail post, died this weekend in a fatal car crash. I simultaneously have thoughts I need to express and yet feel at a loss for words at the same time.

The most shocking thing is that Nic was so young - he was around my age (late 20s, early 30s) - and rising to the top in ballroom. This year he and his partner were #7 in amateur USA dance championship standard. He was active in his dance community and it sounded like (from our conversation in Phoenix) he was advancing in his programming career as well. He was thriving in life and it was suddenly cut short. It happens all the time...but I just couldn't believe it happened to someone like him. I felt so horrible. And then I imagined Neli, his partner. I can't imagine what she's going through right now, and I don't want to...I get to a point and then stop myself because the idea is so painful. If anything like this happened to Ibrahim, my life would be over. Everything would be impacted: of course my life partnership, my dance career, my home, getting around....But in the beginning I probably wouldn't be able to leave my house anyway, except for food. I'd be so devastated. I would call in to work and take family medical leave for the full 12 weeks allowed. I would need to check myself in to see a therapist so I wouldn't hurt myself. God. I don't want to think about it.

I barely knew Nic, but I'm glad I did. He was charismatic, genuine, and sincerely interested in having a conversation and getting to know you. He seemed like just a really good guy. He was also a hugger. I looked forward to seeing where his life would go and how far he and Neli would make it on the international dance scene. I feel I don't know him like those in Minnesota do, but I need to pay tribute to a young man who impacted my life and inspired me nonetheless. To you, Nic. I hope to follow your path and be as good of a dancer and as good of a person as you.

It's a sad wonder

It's a sad wonder to realize that you and people whom you respected, laughed with, and even loved can now cause you such pain and anger. Some of my once-friends have gone down paths so strikingly different from me that we are on the verge of hate for each other (in a non-confrontational way). People I once cared about and admired spread political messages that strike the very core of my being. I become so angry. They are so ignorant, I think. They have no idea...none...of what they say and who they hurt. They are so self-righteous about it that it's disgusting. Sometimes I post something, but more often I don't. Who is to say they are incorrect? Who is to say I am correct? I don't have an answer for that. It's very possible that I misunderstand and that I am doing great damage to others...somehow. Furthermore, so much hate plagues the world that I don't want to pass that torch. I prefer to put it out when it gets to me. There are times when fighting is necessary, but I'm not a fighter. Not a fighter against other people, anyway. I prefer to promote discussion rather than violence (in action or words).

Still...it is quite sad how far and away we are from each other and how animosity courses through us...

Just know it happened

In my 2014 review, I had written that I was done "finding myself." I didn't flit after every idea anymore, thinking that each one was my life calling. I felt like I knew my mind and tendencies, and I wouldn't face regular identity fluctuation anymore. But I was so wrong: three days later my world fell to pieces.

The collapsing took place over two weeks while a heavy current of emotional pain poured out of me. I don't know how to describe the pain exactly...something similar to when my parents divorced perhaps.

Then everything stabilized...but I felt like I was falling in slow motion, and a numbness came over me. At that point, I realized I was on the other side of a divide. In my mind, I saw a stone wall with an iron gate and through the bars was the former Amy. I studied her face and saw all she knew and believed...and realized I would never be that same Amy again. I was aware. So I did the only thing I could: I picked up my bag - containing the few pieces of my life I could gather - turned around, and walked away.

I was in a fog for the last two weeks of January and felt very lost. When you go through a life-changing event, you tend to lose things. The thing I lost was my spirituality. If any of you have read the trilogy, His Dark Materials, I likened the feeling to when a person is separated from his dæmon (spirit).

In a way this event was a divorce between me and my religion. Some people are able to fade out this part of their upbringing, if it was there. Slowly they realize it isn't for them and decrease the time and energy they put into it. My religion, however, was my compass, my refuge, my heart, and my stronghold. I admit that it felt weak within the last year or two, but I never thought it would go away entirely. Maybe I've been in denial, though. Maybe if I looked back closely enough, I could see myself gradually chipping away at it over time.

As much as I want to tell you exactly what happened to cause this falling out, I can't right now...and maybe not for several years. I don't know. It requires a stronger Amy than the one that exists today. So please, do not ask me. I just want you to know, though, that it happened and that I am different.