Personality tests - what do you think of them? Do you love them and feel like you fit perfectly into definitions or do you think they don't tell you anything because personalities are fluid?
*
My wedding has shaken me up (in a good way) and I am once again at an internal crossroads in my life. I decided to take a personality test to see if any light could be shed on how I operate and which direction I should take. I discovered that I am mostly enneagram 4: "The Individualist - The Sensitive, Withdrawn Type: Expressive, Dramatic, Self-Absorbed, and Temperamental". (Bless Ibrahim for wanting to marry me.) Fours are creative, emotional, and expressive people. They feel like they are fundamentally different from everyone else, both especially talented and especially messed up. They go through life striving to be original and separating themselves from the pack, but yet feel like something is constantly missing. This is because they do not have a stable sense of identity. While trying to be original, they are also lack a a strong self-image foundation. To varying degrees, this is all true for me. However, the question is still, where do I go? What do I do?
*
I've been feeling like my ability to create has been stifled a bit. Ballroom dancing is creative yes, but when you compete, it's almost the same as running a race: you have a routine and you're trying to complete the same basic functions in a more efficient manner. Creativity (for me) comes in during makeup and designing a dress.
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Our wedding has forced the creative side of me to come out full on. I didn't hire a wedding planner (aside from some help from our venue) and decided to make lots of decisions myself. Frankly, even though I had some dramatic moments, I've enjoyed the process. I've come to be proud of the fact that "Amy" is printed all over this wedding. Even if some of my choices turn out to be mismatched or tacky, they are mine. That originality box has been checked...and I want to do it again. An entire wedding? No. Styling, design, and production? Yes.
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I've checked out a bunch of self-help resources. I'm honestly terrified of what I'm getting myself into, but I feel like it's a tv show I'm involved in and can't stop watching...I want to learn more and see what happens next. I have lots of ideas and I don't want them to die. Becoming an "artist" might be another tried and failed identity I'm attempting to wear, but I want to try it anyway. I want my own "brand", so to speak, so that when someone looks at it, they see me. An original "Amy".
Showing posts with label Food For Thought. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Food For Thought. Show all posts
Saturday, November 24, 2018
Tuesday, April 3, 2018
Sandbagging
You can learn a lot from your competitors and the competitor of choice for Ibrahim seems to be Chris Henzie. Last year, we watched him win novice ballroom at nationals by doing basic syllabus figures. We were shocked and started dramatically simplifying our routines.
This year - a few days ago - Ibrahim looked up Chris's competitive history. It turns out he was a collegiate dancer who started around the same time as I did - 9 years ago. He moved his way up through syllabus and then into open ballroom and latin. However, in 2014, it was like someone hit him on the head and he changed courses abruptly. He started over and went right back to bronze ballroom in amateur (he dropped latin). Since then, he has steadily achieved top places in every category every year at nationals - first bronze, then silver, then gold, then novice. This year he finaled in pre-champ.
In my opinion, it takes a certain amount of humility to completely start over. Most collegiate dancers jump ahead categories before they are ready. Then they get stuck in them forever, repeating mistakes in basic figures and movement principles. However, Chris's strategy could also be what dance federations are trying to eliminate: people competing below their level and then winning at national competitions (i.e. sandbagging). Yet Chris is consistently climbing, so I wouldn't call what he did unethical. I would actually call it smart. Ibrahim and I can't go back to bronze ballroom, because he's already pointed out of syllabus. (I never competed syllabus in amateur, so I could probably do it still.) However, it's an interesting idea, especially if your goal is long-term and you want to improve fundamental technique. If we keep Latin, we might consider doing just that.
This year - a few days ago - Ibrahim looked up Chris's competitive history. It turns out he was a collegiate dancer who started around the same time as I did - 9 years ago. He moved his way up through syllabus and then into open ballroom and latin. However, in 2014, it was like someone hit him on the head and he changed courses abruptly. He started over and went right back to bronze ballroom in amateur (he dropped latin). Since then, he has steadily achieved top places in every category every year at nationals - first bronze, then silver, then gold, then novice. This year he finaled in pre-champ.
In my opinion, it takes a certain amount of humility to completely start over. Most collegiate dancers jump ahead categories before they are ready. Then they get stuck in them forever, repeating mistakes in basic figures and movement principles. However, Chris's strategy could also be what dance federations are trying to eliminate: people competing below their level and then winning at national competitions (i.e. sandbagging). Yet Chris is consistently climbing, so I wouldn't call what he did unethical. I would actually call it smart. Ibrahim and I can't go back to bronze ballroom, because he's already pointed out of syllabus. (I never competed syllabus in amateur, so I could probably do it still.) However, it's an interesting idea, especially if your goal is long-term and you want to improve fundamental technique. If we keep Latin, we might consider doing just that.
Thursday, October 5, 2017
Turning 30
Fair warning: a short reflection on my twenties turned into an essay - so if you read it, you might want to grab a coffee ;).
~~~~
My twenties were something else. They held some of the best moments of my life, including my college graduation; dancing on the Badger Ballroom Dance Team; traveling to Turkey by myself; getting my writing published; vacations with family; and meeting brilliant, bold, hilarious, creative, and crazy people who changed my life.
However, among the bright moments, my twenties also had a running theme of survival. The early years were spent figuring out how to "adult": live with roommates, survive college, cook decent food, not burn my house down, navigate the professional world, pay bills, avoid Madison city parking police, and find that ever-elusive Life Direction. Life definitely challenged me. But at the age of 24, I kicked up the intensity. I moved across the country to Tucson - a place I’d never been, where I didn’t have a job or home lined up, and where I only kind of knew one person. I packed two suitcases and bought a one-way plane ticket. When I tell people this, many say, “That took guts,” or “That was brave." I usually respond, "Yeah...or dumb." There's a fine line, really. At the time, I was intoxicated with two things: leaving Wisconsin and ballroom dancing. I felt suffocated by familiarity and needed a change of pace, and I was pursuing something specific: Tucson had a teacher from whom I wanted to learn. So I left. The downside was that I didn't have a good plan. Our country was still climbing out of the recession and I barely had an employment history. Some people do this and hit the ground running. My landing wasn't bad, but it turned into a quicksand situation. After several months of trying to make it, things weren’t working out and I went through some tough shit. I became too broke to move anywhere else and had too much pride to return home or ask for help. I was fortunate to find good people to provide a roof over my head. One household even "adopted" me as a family member, which was wonderful and made holidays easier. However, I rarely talked about the reality of my life to anyone: how I was surviving on food stamps, how I nearly ended up at the Salvation Army (and instead lived across the street from it), and how my days were mostly just working to exist. Frankly, I was ashamed of what I had become and of what I was going through. More than this, though, I was ashamed of my naiveté. I tried to follow a passion/dream/fantasy and I failed horribly.
As I struggled to rebuild my life, I went through some dark periods of depression and/or fear, as well. Some are still too sensitive to share the details and with one in particular, I didn’t know if I would make it out the other side. At one point, I found myself in a situation I never thought I'd face, and - feeling the most distressed and hopeless I’d ever felt in my life - I admit I contemplated all the options. More than once it seemed my life was saved by an act of God/the Universe/whatever you want to call it, and I am grateful. I moved through these periods with the amazing help of others (particularly Kristen Mae), became a stronger person, and today I am fierce about protecting the healthcare, safety, and mental well-being of women.
During the healing process of these times, I also severed pieces of my former identity and sense of self. Emotionally, I felt like I was cutting off limbs of my body, pieces that once made me who I was. However, I recognized those limbs no longer served me; I had changed. But as the wounds healed, new limbs began to grow and I felt a new sense of personal empowerment and authenticity. I had a habit of yielding to others and giving them more control than I should have. But now I was taking a firmer grip on the reigns of my life and directing it in a way true to me.
Meanwhile, dancing was completely out of the question and I resented it for a while. I believed this childish dream and self-indulgent passion ruined my life, so I tried to suffocate it. It kind of worked. I spent most of my Tucson years working to pay bills and buy groceries, keeping myself occupied with inexpensive/free activities here and there, and hoping to live better one day…which was happening slowly. Even though I found wonderful company – people whom I love for bringing me joy and showing me kindness - I still felt an internal emptiness. Deep down, I spent four years feeling like a failure and wondering if my move was nothing but a detrimental mistake; years of my life wasted. I had wanted to be something…and I was nothing.
But things changed last year. I received a promotion at work and nearly cried when they told me my salary - I could afford a real life. Several people encouraged me to try dancing again and while it took some convincing, I decided to give it a shot. I emailed the only international style dancer I knew, someone I met years ago. I asked if he could recommend a few local teachers. By the next day, he had given me a thorough reply and – by the way – his partner had just moved to California, so he was looking for a one. My first day back on the floor was a try out - GAH. I was so nervous and my dancing was rusty and awkward. But it didn't matter in the end. When I left the studio, I felt that internal emptiness fill with light. I experienced a deep sense of happiness that I hadn’t felt for a long time.
Since then, every part of my life seems to have opened and grown: my dance knowledge and opportunities, my circle of friends, creative projects, my health, travel, and I found a funny and wonderful partner for life (and all the science experiments and lectures that come with him). I finally feel what it is like to flourish and not just survive. Tomorrow I turn 30, and I’m looking forward to it. I made it, everyone, and I’m glad to leave those intense coming-of-age years behind. I sincerely thank all of you - my family and friends - who have been with me along the way.
I don’t expect the next decade to be void of pain and setbacks, but my hope is that it will be one of living more fully than before – with more laughter, confidence, creativity, drive, community, and, of course, dancing.
Photo credit: While I only train in ballroom these days, I've danced other styles in the past and I simply love to move. Many, many thanks to Ed Flores for catching my dancing soul on film.
~~~~
My twenties were something else. They held some of the best moments of my life, including my college graduation; dancing on the Badger Ballroom Dance Team; traveling to Turkey by myself; getting my writing published; vacations with family; and meeting brilliant, bold, hilarious, creative, and crazy people who changed my life.
However, among the bright moments, my twenties also had a running theme of survival. The early years were spent figuring out how to "adult": live with roommates, survive college, cook decent food, not burn my house down, navigate the professional world, pay bills, avoid Madison city parking police, and find that ever-elusive Life Direction. Life definitely challenged me. But at the age of 24, I kicked up the intensity. I moved across the country to Tucson - a place I’d never been, where I didn’t have a job or home lined up, and where I only kind of knew one person. I packed two suitcases and bought a one-way plane ticket. When I tell people this, many say, “That took guts,” or “That was brave." I usually respond, "Yeah...or dumb." There's a fine line, really. At the time, I was intoxicated with two things: leaving Wisconsin and ballroom dancing. I felt suffocated by familiarity and needed a change of pace, and I was pursuing something specific: Tucson had a teacher from whom I wanted to learn. So I left. The downside was that I didn't have a good plan. Our country was still climbing out of the recession and I barely had an employment history. Some people do this and hit the ground running. My landing wasn't bad, but it turned into a quicksand situation. After several months of trying to make it, things weren’t working out and I went through some tough shit. I became too broke to move anywhere else and had too much pride to return home or ask for help. I was fortunate to find good people to provide a roof over my head. One household even "adopted" me as a family member, which was wonderful and made holidays easier. However, I rarely talked about the reality of my life to anyone: how I was surviving on food stamps, how I nearly ended up at the Salvation Army (and instead lived across the street from it), and how my days were mostly just working to exist. Frankly, I was ashamed of what I had become and of what I was going through. More than this, though, I was ashamed of my naiveté. I tried to follow a passion/dream/fantasy and I failed horribly.
As I struggled to rebuild my life, I went through some dark periods of depression and/or fear, as well. Some are still too sensitive to share the details and with one in particular, I didn’t know if I would make it out the other side. At one point, I found myself in a situation I never thought I'd face, and - feeling the most distressed and hopeless I’d ever felt in my life - I admit I contemplated all the options. More than once it seemed my life was saved by an act of God/the Universe/whatever you want to call it, and I am grateful. I moved through these periods with the amazing help of others (particularly Kristen Mae), became a stronger person, and today I am fierce about protecting the healthcare, safety, and mental well-being of women.
During the healing process of these times, I also severed pieces of my former identity and sense of self. Emotionally, I felt like I was cutting off limbs of my body, pieces that once made me who I was. However, I recognized those limbs no longer served me; I had changed. But as the wounds healed, new limbs began to grow and I felt a new sense of personal empowerment and authenticity. I had a habit of yielding to others and giving them more control than I should have. But now I was taking a firmer grip on the reigns of my life and directing it in a way true to me.
Meanwhile, dancing was completely out of the question and I resented it for a while. I believed this childish dream and self-indulgent passion ruined my life, so I tried to suffocate it. It kind of worked. I spent most of my Tucson years working to pay bills and buy groceries, keeping myself occupied with inexpensive/free activities here and there, and hoping to live better one day…which was happening slowly. Even though I found wonderful company – people whom I love for bringing me joy and showing me kindness - I still felt an internal emptiness. Deep down, I spent four years feeling like a failure and wondering if my move was nothing but a detrimental mistake; years of my life wasted. I had wanted to be something…and I was nothing.
But things changed last year. I received a promotion at work and nearly cried when they told me my salary - I could afford a real life. Several people encouraged me to try dancing again and while it took some convincing, I decided to give it a shot. I emailed the only international style dancer I knew, someone I met years ago. I asked if he could recommend a few local teachers. By the next day, he had given me a thorough reply and – by the way – his partner had just moved to California, so he was looking for a one. My first day back on the floor was a try out - GAH. I was so nervous and my dancing was rusty and awkward. But it didn't matter in the end. When I left the studio, I felt that internal emptiness fill with light. I experienced a deep sense of happiness that I hadn’t felt for a long time.
Since then, every part of my life seems to have opened and grown: my dance knowledge and opportunities, my circle of friends, creative projects, my health, travel, and I found a funny and wonderful partner for life (and all the science experiments and lectures that come with him). I finally feel what it is like to flourish and not just survive. Tomorrow I turn 30, and I’m looking forward to it. I made it, everyone, and I’m glad to leave those intense coming-of-age years behind. I sincerely thank all of you - my family and friends - who have been with me along the way.
I don’t expect the next decade to be void of pain and setbacks, but my hope is that it will be one of living more fully than before – with more laughter, confidence, creativity, drive, community, and, of course, dancing.
Photo credit: While I only train in ballroom these days, I've danced other styles in the past and I simply love to move. Many, many thanks to Ed Flores for catching my dancing soul on film.
Flying
Painting
Dreaming
Wednesday, June 14, 2017
Sushi with Ron
After one of our practices this week, we went out for sushi for dinner. Our first restaurant choice was closed, so we ventured to another. After we sat down and ordered, we saw one of the local coaches, Ron Montez, come in. For those of you who haven't heard of Ron Montez, here's a brief description of his dancing accomplishments:
Ron Montez is one of the most respected personalities in the dance business. He previously held title as the 7-time undefeated United States Professional Latin Champion. He achieved 4th place in the World’s Professional Latin Championships held at Royal Albert Hall in London. He has reached the final of the prestigious British Championships in Blackpool, England. Ron is recognized as a World class adjudicator, dance coach and choreographer in both American and International styles.
He's also had TV gigs, organizes competitions around the country, and he's received the United States Dance Championships Hall of Fame Award. So he's kind of a big deal.
We saw him sit down by himself at a table. Ibrahim thought about inviting him to sit with us. Normally, we would have been too intimidated to ask, but I think the fact that Ron was sitting by himself and that he had recently lost his young son, we thought maybe he would like some company. Ibrahim got up and asked him to join us and then went to the restroom to wash his hands. Ron came over and sat with me and while I was glad to have him, I suddenly realized I didn't know what to say. I couldn't ask a man whose son died about a month ago how things were going. We talked a bit about sushi and I hoped Ibrahim would come back quickly.
I didn't have to spend too much time by myself, and Ibrahim was good at keeping the conversation going. I felt like we had one of those rare opportunities to get insight from a dance legend, but I didn't know what to ask.
Ron shared a little bit of dance history with us and it was clear that he had some strong opinions about Latin dancing. Even though he was a champion several times, he repeatedly said that the British (the ones who created the ballroom style) didn't get it. As he put it, they took dancing that developed in the Americas, standardized it, and then they took it back to the Americas (and the rest of Europe). Ron also didn't like jive. It was "boring" and too technical. There wasn't anything interesting about it for him...it didn't move him. Ibrahim and I realized and discussed later that Ron was more of an artistic, feeling kind of dancer. He danced in a technically conscious way, but he seemed to place more emphasis on creativity of movement. He really liked other variations of swing...east coast, west coast, jitterbug. Jive, not so much.
"An adult woman jumping around, spreading her legs, and doing kicks in these sleek dresses looks ridiculous. Walter Laird (the father of latin dancing) even said, 'jive is for kids!' It's a kids' dance."
Mostly, though, I was under the impression that Ron thought the British created a version of dance akin to Frankenstein's Monster: it sort of resembled the real thing, but it was a perverted version and probably somewhat offensive to the cultures from which the dances originated. I don't disagree...I've heard several times that the British saw latin dancing and then made something up that had a latin idea.
Over time, latin dancers have incorporated more of the original movement of the dances into latin, and I think the progression toward authenticity will continue as dancers look for new choreography.
Opinions like Ron's, though, put a developing dancer in a conflicting situation. When I first started dancing, I didn't particularly care for latin. I wasn't interested in how it looked or felt. However, after dancing it and seeing it over and over, I became used to it and started to enjoy it. Now, I'm trying to learn the style and fit into its standards so I can compete and do well in competition. Then I'm told things like, it isn't natural or it isn't authentic. It makes me question what I'm really trying to do...if these statements are true, am I really trying to be a good dancer? Or am I trying to fit into an artificial system of standards? I also had a half-formulated question I wanted to ask but couldn't find the right words at the time: how did he value ballroom and latin dancing? It's a world in which he lives and works...it is his whole world, essentially, and yet he seems to think part of it artificial.
Of course, I couldn't quite frame the question at the time, so it went unasked. I may never get a chance to ask again as we found out Ron is moving to Phoenix next month. Not that we'll never see him again, but a chance for dinner is unlikely.
Anyway, Ibrahim and I discussed some of these things afterward. Overall, our experience with Ron was pleasant. He seems like a genuinely nice guy. He has strong opinions about styling and some of the money-driven operations in the dance world, but otherwise he is surprisingly humble and approachable. I'm glad we chatted. Also, who knows...maybe he'll remember us better at competitions when he judges ;).
Monday, May 29, 2017
Holy Grail
The amateurs who attend Arizona competitions are usually locals, with occasional outsiders coming in from other western states. This year at People's Choice Dancesport Competition, we had an amateur couple from Minnesota compete with us. Afterward, Ibrahim invited them out for dinner/drinks. Nic and Neli turned out to be very congenial and we had a good time.
An interesting conversation came up when I asked them about their coaching - where do they go in Minnesota? Or do they go somewhere else? Well, they go to Italy. Some years ago, Nic discovered Roberto Villa (Blackpool Professional Ballroom Finalist 2006-2009) and decided he wanted to dance like him. Through research and a connection, Nic and Neli were able to get a lesson with him in the U.S. last year. They told him they wanted to receive coaching from him, but he lives in Italy and only rarely travels to the U.S....he just happened to be there that one time. They said they would come to Italy and found themselves booking a flight. Now they go about every other month, but also send videos to him to look over. They said one of the challenges they have is securing time with him. What they're looking for is a dedicated coach who will guide them long term. Right now, they aren't sure they've convinced Roberto to take them on as permanent students, but things seem to be going well. They mentioned they've seen him simply turn people away ("No, I don't want to teach you.") and he hasn't done that to them yet. He's a world finalist and doesn't need them as students by any means.
I thought that was pretty amazing: first, the fact that they're going to Italy, and second, that they managed to get a prominent person like Roberto to coach them. But what fascinated me most was the parallelism between Nic and I: how we both had an ultimate goal, we managed to serendipitously meet the people we needed (for me it was Ibrahim and Maja), and we did crazy things in order to reach our goals of becoming great dancers (he flies to Italy, I moved to Arizona). To me, this indicates an inner, inexplicable drive. Something is pushing us in our directions. Yet our "holy grails," the ultimate skills/knowledge we wanted to obtain, are vastly different. He wants to dance like Roberto and I want the knowledge of the historical "greats" of ballroom. We both believe our ways are the best ways to get to the top (or at least our personal top). But if his opportunities came along for me today, I would find them significantly less meaningful and wouldn't recognize them as opportunity at all. I have no interest in Roberto Villa and I doubt Nic has any interest in ballroom history or the theories of Bill Irvine or Benny Tolmeijer. It's interesting how an event can come across as a divine happening to one person while the next person over barely recognizes anything special; someone's holy grail - the thing that moves his life and gives him purpose - is only an interesting-looking cup to me.
An interesting conversation came up when I asked them about their coaching - where do they go in Minnesota? Or do they go somewhere else? Well, they go to Italy. Some years ago, Nic discovered Roberto Villa (Blackpool Professional Ballroom Finalist 2006-2009) and decided he wanted to dance like him. Through research and a connection, Nic and Neli were able to get a lesson with him in the U.S. last year. They told him they wanted to receive coaching from him, but he lives in Italy and only rarely travels to the U.S....he just happened to be there that one time. They said they would come to Italy and found themselves booking a flight. Now they go about every other month, but also send videos to him to look over. They said one of the challenges they have is securing time with him. What they're looking for is a dedicated coach who will guide them long term. Right now, they aren't sure they've convinced Roberto to take them on as permanent students, but things seem to be going well. They mentioned they've seen him simply turn people away ("No, I don't want to teach you.") and he hasn't done that to them yet. He's a world finalist and doesn't need them as students by any means.
I thought that was pretty amazing: first, the fact that they're going to Italy, and second, that they managed to get a prominent person like Roberto to coach them. But what fascinated me most was the parallelism between Nic and I: how we both had an ultimate goal, we managed to serendipitously meet the people we needed (for me it was Ibrahim and Maja), and we did crazy things in order to reach our goals of becoming great dancers (he flies to Italy, I moved to Arizona). To me, this indicates an inner, inexplicable drive. Something is pushing us in our directions. Yet our "holy grails," the ultimate skills/knowledge we wanted to obtain, are vastly different. He wants to dance like Roberto and I want the knowledge of the historical "greats" of ballroom. We both believe our ways are the best ways to get to the top (or at least our personal top). But if his opportunities came along for me today, I would find them significantly less meaningful and wouldn't recognize them as opportunity at all. I have no interest in Roberto Villa and I doubt Nic has any interest in ballroom history or the theories of Bill Irvine or Benny Tolmeijer. It's interesting how an event can come across as a divine happening to one person while the next person over barely recognizes anything special; someone's holy grail - the thing that moves his life and gives him purpose - is only an interesting-looking cup to me.
Saturday, July 11, 2015
Mating in Captivity: Negotiating Intimacy and Desire & Personal Take-Aways
I began reading Mating in Captivity hoping to learn the role of sex in long-term relationships, apart from procreation. I wanted to understand how it fueled marital conflict and how this conflict could be resolved...or even avoided. While reading, though, I discovered the answers to my questions were complex. The author and psychotherapist, Esther Perel, does not give the reader definitive responses, but instead opens the discussion to a big-picture view. She discusses culture and history...the things that mold our perceptions of sex, relationships, and ourselves. So while I was expecting an expert's opinion on relationship dynamics, I found something more beautifully complex - a window into the cultural and psychological shaping of human sexuality.
The main thesis of this book is that intimacy and desire are needed for a fulfilling relationship, but they require contradicting circumstances. Perel states that intimacy needs closeness, but desire needs distance. Intimacy is important because it creates stability: knowing each other allows you function better as a unit. It's also the "caring" part of the relationship - putting someone else before yourself (nurturing them, being responsible for them, etc.). Desire, however, is what keeps a couple romantically interested in each other. It comes from the unknown and the anticipation of what will come. For some couples, this thesis may not be correct. Knowing each other more may create more desire, which is great. Yet there are many who find themselves frustrated because the "flame" has died. For these couples, Perel does not offer a single solution for reconciling desire and intimacy, because there isn't one. However, they can be managed according to each unique relationship, and it comes down to negotiating distance (physical, emotional, and verbal).
In discussing the negotiation between intimacy and desire, Perel brings up numerous points regarding sex and sexuality within society and within oneself. I decided to talk about just a few that impacted the way I thought about relationships and myself.
1) A Person for a Village
In cultures where three generations live under one roof and/or communities are close-knit (everyone knows everyone's business), achieving intimacy isn't an issue. Everyone is probably close enough. However, in our modern American culture, we have an ability to communicate without actually seeing each other. As beneficial as this is, the lack of physical presence may leave us longing for intimacy more than any other generation. Then, when we find a partner, we are at risk for putting too many expectations on that person: to provide stability, excitement, sexual fulfillment, counsel, and friendship...essentially take on multiple and contradictory roles. It is possible for someone to do this in bits and pieces, but one cannot expect a person to fulfill his/her partner completely. When trying to fill the intimacy void goes too far, it could make people needy and/or controlling and also lead to much disappointment.
This point struck me because it shows how some problems in relationships extend beyond the couple...they are results of the culture, not simply the individuals involved. Perel doesn't offer an answer for working around this specifically, but in my life, I'm trying to open my network more to fill the lack of intimacy. Instead of turning only to my significant other, I try to spend more time with friends and talk to my family. When I need to process things and no one is available to talk, I go for a long bike ride. I search for small ways to meet my needs that aren't dependent on my partner. It isn't easy, and sometimes I have to let a need go unmet. However, I try to be conscious of the fact that there are two people in my relationship and that we can't do and be everything for each other.
2) Eroticism as a Map
I used to view eroticism as a repulsive concept - it was vulgar and indecent. Disgusting. While reading this book, I learned I was not alone in my belief...and that I was also incredibly misinformed.
Eroticism is sexual desire, but it's layered and complicated. When you investigate another person's desire (or maybe your own) you find a map of the psyche. Erotic fantasies - no matter how simple or complex - can reveal the way a person perceives himself, how she balances power between her and society, and how he was loved and/or hurt in the past (by individuals or society at large). Erotic fantasies are attached to some of our deepest vulnerabilities, and being able to express them is a way to experience freedom. In fantasies, we are able to go against what is expected of us and be in control of our environment. Demonstrating them to another puts the person in a vulnerable situation. However, if welcomed, it can correct a personal imbalance and satisfy a mental need. Why sex is the vehicle for experiencing this kind of freedom, I'm not sure. Maybe because it's the one thing about our human nature that is most stifled in public. I no longer see eroticism as something that should be suppressed, but rather as a means to better understand one's history and needs, as well as a way to escape cultural pressures and expectations. One could even say it has a healing quality...maybe Marvin Gaye was onto something...
3) Sexual Make Up
In order to understand where a couple's issues take root, Esther Perel has to unfold her clients' histories. She explores the family, religious, and cultural dynamics in their childhoods. Reading these accounts, of course, made me reflect on the role sex has played in the course of my life. For most of it - I'm sad to say - I've held negative and restrictive views of intercourse and eroticism, and only over the past two years have I been unpacking them and their origins. I never realized how much they affected me...the way I interacted with and viewed other people and, more importantly, the way I felt about myself...as a growing, maturing person. There has been a lot of internal pain by trying to keep myself "safe" and within the lines. I've probably perpetuated that pain in others, as well. I tried to pinpoint where my views came from and how they developed, but the truth is they are built into the system in which I live - government, education, religion, and the influence of family and friends. I understand that institutions are in place to keep sex from being misused, but I wish I had been taught differently. I was directly told that "yes, yes, sex is a beautiful and good thing if kept within ____ boundaries and under ____ conditions." However, indirectly, the more powerful message that stayed with me was that it caused problems, it was sinful, and it needed to be contained. I've felt the consequences of this message, and yet I can't blame anyone for it. Tradition is a powerful force and many people pass things along in the best interests of others, especially their children.
Many of us think of sexuality and sex as adult concepts, but it is with us from birth. We are sexual beings even as children, and how people teach us about sex affects our self-esteem, the way we perceive, and how we perform everyday functions. Between two people, sex creates life, but within an individual, sex (hormones, organs, fantasy) lets a person live. Even if a person never sleeps with someone else, sex is still a building block of his/her life. I am just sad that so much shame and stigma is attached to it.
While the primary purpose of Mating in Captivity is to help couples balance intimacy and excitement, it goes beyond offering suggestions for issues on the surface. Esther Perel helps her readers understand that managing the balance means knowing yourself, your personal history, and your culture. The unspoken rules our society maintains, the ideals we come to believe, and our childhood experiences play as much of a role in our relationships as do complimentary values, habits, and attractive features. Beyond self exploration, she invites you to experiment with your relationship...communicate in different ways or change the direction of your daily energy. Mating in Captivity won't gain favor with everyone, because some of the ideas Perel brings up are against the grain (even I didn't agree with all of them). However, the multicultural perspectives she brings to the table are worth reading. I hope they catch on in the United States...for the sake of the mental and physical health of our people.
The main thesis of this book is that intimacy and desire are needed for a fulfilling relationship, but they require contradicting circumstances. Perel states that intimacy needs closeness, but desire needs distance. Intimacy is important because it creates stability: knowing each other allows you function better as a unit. It's also the "caring" part of the relationship - putting someone else before yourself (nurturing them, being responsible for them, etc.). Desire, however, is what keeps a couple romantically interested in each other. It comes from the unknown and the anticipation of what will come. For some couples, this thesis may not be correct. Knowing each other more may create more desire, which is great. Yet there are many who find themselves frustrated because the "flame" has died. For these couples, Perel does not offer a single solution for reconciling desire and intimacy, because there isn't one. However, they can be managed according to each unique relationship, and it comes down to negotiating distance (physical, emotional, and verbal).
In discussing the negotiation between intimacy and desire, Perel brings up numerous points regarding sex and sexuality within society and within oneself. I decided to talk about just a few that impacted the way I thought about relationships and myself.
1) A Person for a Village
In cultures where three generations live under one roof and/or communities are close-knit (everyone knows everyone's business), achieving intimacy isn't an issue. Everyone is probably close enough. However, in our modern American culture, we have an ability to communicate without actually seeing each other. As beneficial as this is, the lack of physical presence may leave us longing for intimacy more than any other generation. Then, when we find a partner, we are at risk for putting too many expectations on that person: to provide stability, excitement, sexual fulfillment, counsel, and friendship...essentially take on multiple and contradictory roles. It is possible for someone to do this in bits and pieces, but one cannot expect a person to fulfill his/her partner completely. When trying to fill the intimacy void goes too far, it could make people needy and/or controlling and also lead to much disappointment.
This point struck me because it shows how some problems in relationships extend beyond the couple...they are results of the culture, not simply the individuals involved. Perel doesn't offer an answer for working around this specifically, but in my life, I'm trying to open my network more to fill the lack of intimacy. Instead of turning only to my significant other, I try to spend more time with friends and talk to my family. When I need to process things and no one is available to talk, I go for a long bike ride. I search for small ways to meet my needs that aren't dependent on my partner. It isn't easy, and sometimes I have to let a need go unmet. However, I try to be conscious of the fact that there are two people in my relationship and that we can't do and be everything for each other.
2) Eroticism as a Map
I used to view eroticism as a repulsive concept - it was vulgar and indecent. Disgusting. While reading this book, I learned I was not alone in my belief...and that I was also incredibly misinformed.
Eroticism is sexual desire, but it's layered and complicated. When you investigate another person's desire (or maybe your own) you find a map of the psyche. Erotic fantasies - no matter how simple or complex - can reveal the way a person perceives himself, how she balances power between her and society, and how he was loved and/or hurt in the past (by individuals or society at large). Erotic fantasies are attached to some of our deepest vulnerabilities, and being able to express them is a way to experience freedom. In fantasies, we are able to go against what is expected of us and be in control of our environment. Demonstrating them to another puts the person in a vulnerable situation. However, if welcomed, it can correct a personal imbalance and satisfy a mental need. Why sex is the vehicle for experiencing this kind of freedom, I'm not sure. Maybe because it's the one thing about our human nature that is most stifled in public. I no longer see eroticism as something that should be suppressed, but rather as a means to better understand one's history and needs, as well as a way to escape cultural pressures and expectations. One could even say it has a healing quality...maybe Marvin Gaye was onto something...
3) Sexual Make Up
In order to understand where a couple's issues take root, Esther Perel has to unfold her clients' histories. She explores the family, religious, and cultural dynamics in their childhoods. Reading these accounts, of course, made me reflect on the role sex has played in the course of my life. For most of it - I'm sad to say - I've held negative and restrictive views of intercourse and eroticism, and only over the past two years have I been unpacking them and their origins. I never realized how much they affected me...the way I interacted with and viewed other people and, more importantly, the way I felt about myself...as a growing, maturing person. There has been a lot of internal pain by trying to keep myself "safe" and within the lines. I've probably perpetuated that pain in others, as well. I tried to pinpoint where my views came from and how they developed, but the truth is they are built into the system in which I live - government, education, religion, and the influence of family and friends. I understand that institutions are in place to keep sex from being misused, but I wish I had been taught differently. I was directly told that "yes, yes, sex is a beautiful and good thing if kept within ____ boundaries and under ____ conditions." However, indirectly, the more powerful message that stayed with me was that it caused problems, it was sinful, and it needed to be contained. I've felt the consequences of this message, and yet I can't blame anyone for it. Tradition is a powerful force and many people pass things along in the best interests of others, especially their children.
Many of us think of sexuality and sex as adult concepts, but it is with us from birth. We are sexual beings even as children, and how people teach us about sex affects our self-esteem, the way we perceive, and how we perform everyday functions. Between two people, sex creates life, but within an individual, sex (hormones, organs, fantasy) lets a person live. Even if a person never sleeps with someone else, sex is still a building block of his/her life. I am just sad that so much shame and stigma is attached to it.
While the primary purpose of Mating in Captivity is to help couples balance intimacy and excitement, it goes beyond offering suggestions for issues on the surface. Esther Perel helps her readers understand that managing the balance means knowing yourself, your personal history, and your culture. The unspoken rules our society maintains, the ideals we come to believe, and our childhood experiences play as much of a role in our relationships as do complimentary values, habits, and attractive features. Beyond self exploration, she invites you to experiment with your relationship...communicate in different ways or change the direction of your daily energy. Mating in Captivity won't gain favor with everyone, because some of the ideas Perel brings up are against the grain (even I didn't agree with all of them). However, the multicultural perspectives she brings to the table are worth reading. I hope they catch on in the United States...for the sake of the mental and physical health of our people.
Saturday, July 5, 2014
Why We Get Fat and What To Do About It (Book Review)
This book discusses exactly what it says: why human beings get fat and what they can do to change it. The author, Gary Taubes, wrote a book called Good Calories, Bad Calories, in which he discusses the same topic in scientific terms. I hear it's a hefty read. His fans asked him to write something similar, but for "lay" people...something they could actually get through and understand. So along came this book. Taubes's main argument is: carbohydrates make us fat. If you want to lose weight, eat more meat...specifically with higher amounts of fat. It follows the same line of thinking as Atkins and the Paleo Diet. He argues that it's more efficient for the body to operate on fat and protein than it is on carbohydrates. He backs it up with scientific studies and historical movements that have taken place in the US. For instance, he points out that since the introduction of the low-fat, high-carbohydrate diet in the 1960s, the number of overweight individuals has actually increased. He also goes further back in history and talks about populations all over the world that became obese when they were introduced to sugar, flour, and other carbohydrate-rich food...because they were cheap and readily accessible. The most interesting point about this book is that the author challenges diet paradigms that Americans have come to believe as true. Some of these include:
1) obesity is caused by overeating; if you want to lose weight you have eat less than what you need (essentially starve yourself).
2) a healthy diet includes low-fat foods and carbohydrates
3) exercise promotes weight loss
Taubes argues that nutrition authorities keep pushing these ideas into our culture, even though evidence from numerous studies has proven them false. He offers counter-arguments to all of the above:
1) People don't get fat because they overeat - they overeat because their hormones make them put on weight and they're trying to fuel their bodies with energy to maintain that weight (in other words, they overeat because they are fat).
2) carbohydrates stimulate hormones to store fat if not immediately used for energy; high-(animal) fat diets are actually most efficient for humans.
3) exercise is not effective for weight loss because it makes you hungrier and eat more.
He argues against other paradigms as well, such as those dealing with the economics of carbohydrates and poverty/wealth in communities.
The main point I want to make about this book is that it challenges ideas we (Americans) have come to believe as true, even though the roots of these beliefs may be founded on illogical and non-scientific reasoning. I'm a proponent of his book because I've found much of what he says to be true, particularly through my own trial and error experiments with diet and exercise. I remember often feeling frustrated that the typical advice (eat less, eat low-fat, exercise to lose weight) did not work for me. It left me irritable, uncomfortable, hungry, and shocked when my clothing size went up instead of down. The best thing about the book, though, is that Taubes backs up everything he says with evidence. It's cited throughout the book and there are pages of references in the back. He isn't pulling his information from nowhere.
Why We Get Fat and What To Do About It is an eye-opening read that will get you thinking about the food/diet industry and how we get the information we do. If you're interested in health and diet, I recommend it. I think Taubes offers sound advice people can actually live by.
Monday, January 20, 2014
On Happiness and What Life Is (shared from a friend)
"Happiness is not an end-goal, but an experience achieved through being fully engaged in the business of living your life..."
and
"...this incubation period that we have entitled as ‘living’ is simply a cyclical process of preparation and learning prior to the next step in our soul’s journey to some currently undefined end state."
So if I may paraphrase...
1) happiness is full engagement with your life, not an achievement
2) "living" is preparation for each challenge we face and learning from its result...all leading to a place we find ourselves going but don't know exactly where it is or what lies there waiting for us.
Thanks for your insights HS ~ http://breakinworld.com/blog/?p=714
and
"...this incubation period that we have entitled as ‘living’ is simply a cyclical process of preparation and learning prior to the next step in our soul’s journey to some currently undefined end state."
So if I may paraphrase...
1) happiness is full engagement with your life, not an achievement
2) "living" is preparation for each challenge we face and learning from its result...all leading to a place we find ourselves going but don't know exactly where it is or what lies there waiting for us.
Thanks for your insights HS ~ http://breakinworld.com/blog/?p=714
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Releasing Anger
I believe people are inherently good...but sometimes I forget it when they hurt me. It usually isn't until later that I see two were at fault in a falling out, and it's hard to realize that it takes a broken, unpatchable relationship to learn of our flaws. It sucks to think that we have to "go through" each other like boxes of kleenex. It's difficult to see it took a person's pain, discontinued contact, and time to understand that I was wrong...and how I was wrong. And that nothing can be done to heal the gash, except maybe time.
When I moved to Arizona, I was in pain mentally. I see now, too, that I held a lot of anger. I don't quite understand where either the pain or the anger came from, but I'm sure it was a combination of my own inner workings and outside influences. Either way, today I felt as though I had let go of some anger. It came out as sadness - because I saw my past differently - but either way, it's gone.
Monday, September 16, 2013
Releasing the Fire
During the months of July and August, I'd had trouble sleeping. I'd also been feeling anxious and as though my nerves had been fried. My appetite increased in the evening and I couldn't sleep unless I put myself in a food coma. It was distressing and I couldn't figure out how to change it. Luckily I was exercising a lot so I had minimal weight gain. I had a feeling my job was giving me this stress and it was interfering with my ability to function. So I made an acupuncture appointment. I couldn't handle things on my own and I didn't know what to do anymore.
The treatment went well. During our interview, the acupuncturist suggested meditation. She acknowledged, though, that sometimes an active mind makes it difficult for a person to settle down enough for meditation. I was having extreme difficulty even sitting still in my chair let alone being able to quiet my mind, so I was thankful she recognized this. Nonetheless, she gave me an exercise that not only helped calm my mind but also created a soft, mental shield around myself that would help block me from energy-sucking circumstances/people. Nifty.
Every acupuncturist is different and this one was much more of a nurturer than the last two I've seen. All are excellent, but I appreciated being able to talk more about how I was feeling and have some healing conversation about my life. This one also put what felt like two-dozen needles in me. They were painless, though. Shortly after she left, I became amused. Then I felt a bubbling sensation work itself up from my midsection and come out as uncontrollable laughter. I kept my mouth closed out of fear I would disturb other treatments going on in the rooms next door, but I nonetheless laughed inexplicably for a couple minutes. Then it slowly faded away and I was left in a very peaceful state. When the acupuncturist returned, she asked me if I had felt any sensations. I mentioned the laughter and she said, "Ah, good. That means you had an excess of fire." I looked this up later and discovered that all the symptons I'd been having aligned with this "excess of fire" idea. From what I understand, fire is an energy that travels upward in the body. When a person has too much fire in her system, she experiences insomnia, worry, and anxiety. Appetite also increases because food pushes the energy downward. Hence, in an attempt to calm myself down when it was time to sleep, my body signaled that I was hungry...which explained the necessity of a food coma before bed. Another symptom of excess fire is laughter. I wrote to a friend earlier that while I was having so much anxiety and I couldn't sleep, I was somehow laughing all the time. It was confusingly contradictory - my life was unpleasantly stressful and yet I found so many reasons to be joyful. It turns out that laughter is one way to release fire energy. Interesting.
The treatment helped, but about a week later I felt the change in seasons as Tucson shifted into fall. I felt it last year, too. It's still 90-some degrees here, but I can tell when the energy slows down...because I slow down with it. I'm doing much better as a result. My appetite is normal again and I'm sleeping better. Unfortunately, I am also laughing less. I still laugh, but it's not as often and it doesn't carry as much. I guess I have to take the good with the bad...and it is nice to be normal again.
The treatment went well. During our interview, the acupuncturist suggested meditation. She acknowledged, though, that sometimes an active mind makes it difficult for a person to settle down enough for meditation. I was having extreme difficulty even sitting still in my chair let alone being able to quiet my mind, so I was thankful she recognized this. Nonetheless, she gave me an exercise that not only helped calm my mind but also created a soft, mental shield around myself that would help block me from energy-sucking circumstances/people. Nifty.
Every acupuncturist is different and this one was much more of a nurturer than the last two I've seen. All are excellent, but I appreciated being able to talk more about how I was feeling and have some healing conversation about my life. This one also put what felt like two-dozen needles in me. They were painless, though. Shortly after she left, I became amused. Then I felt a bubbling sensation work itself up from my midsection and come out as uncontrollable laughter. I kept my mouth closed out of fear I would disturb other treatments going on in the rooms next door, but I nonetheless laughed inexplicably for a couple minutes. Then it slowly faded away and I was left in a very peaceful state. When the acupuncturist returned, she asked me if I had felt any sensations. I mentioned the laughter and she said, "Ah, good. That means you had an excess of fire." I looked this up later and discovered that all the symptons I'd been having aligned with this "excess of fire" idea. From what I understand, fire is an energy that travels upward in the body. When a person has too much fire in her system, she experiences insomnia, worry, and anxiety. Appetite also increases because food pushes the energy downward. Hence, in an attempt to calm myself down when it was time to sleep, my body signaled that I was hungry...which explained the necessity of a food coma before bed. Another symptom of excess fire is laughter. I wrote to a friend earlier that while I was having so much anxiety and I couldn't sleep, I was somehow laughing all the time. It was confusingly contradictory - my life was unpleasantly stressful and yet I found so many reasons to be joyful. It turns out that laughter is one way to release fire energy. Interesting.
The treatment helped, but about a week later I felt the change in seasons as Tucson shifted into fall. I felt it last year, too. It's still 90-some degrees here, but I can tell when the energy slows down...because I slow down with it. I'm doing much better as a result. My appetite is normal again and I'm sleeping better. Unfortunately, I am also laughing less. I still laugh, but it's not as often and it doesn't carry as much. I guess I have to take the good with the bad...and it is nice to be normal again.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Emerging from the Life TaNgLe
I wish the idea of success being a tangled knot would emerge in media more often, and particularly in the context of finding your way. The fact that your car breaks down en route to New Awesome City and causes you stay in Nowheresville for a few months, or that What I Thought I Wanted Wasn't Actually It happens more than once would be nice to see.
Friday, July 19, 2013
Those Who Watch and Those Who Help
I just watched a girl tell her mom about a conflict she was having with a part-time job offer and an extracurricular activity. Taking the job would require her to quit a music group she's been a part of for the last two years. However, she needed to start earning an income and get work experience. The girl said, "I don't know what to do." Her mom told her that she was 17 and she wasn't going to tell her what to do - she needed to make her own decisions.
Growing up is hard. Learning to make good choices and bushwhacking a life path for yourself often leaves you confused, frustrated, and defeated. I know some parents prefer to teach by telling their kids to "figure it out yourself" when they make mistakes and get into tough situations. However, I have watched relationships between parents and their children go down the drain because of this philosophy and I'm not surprised. I'm not talking about kids who habitually make bad decisions, don't learn, and then run to their parents to bail them out. They could use some tough love. I'm talking about the ones who are really trying their best to do well. When parents say, "You're on your own," the kids feel abandoned during a time of need. At the very least, when they ask for help like the teenage girl did, it would be great if the parents talked about options, gave some advice, helped them make a plan...you know, gave them tools and taught them how to use them...made them feel like you weren't walking away. Doing this, I think, would prevent a lot of resentment and broken ties in families.
There's that saying about teaching a man to fish so he'll eat for a lifetime. Nowhere in there does it say, "Tell him to figure it out and walk away."
Monday, May 27, 2013
Rise Up Cows!
This quote is from an essay by Paul Graham (a computer programmer), "The Other Road Ahead":
I'm not thinking of starting a startup, but I thought the quote was applicable to anything. And also amusing.
E. B. White was amused to learn from a farmer friend that many electrified fences don't have any current running through them. The cows apparently learn to stay away from them, and after that you don't need the current. "Rise up, cows!" he wrote, "Take your liberty while despots snore!"
If you're a hacker who has thought of one day starting a startup, there are probably two things keeping you from doing it. One is that you don't know anything about business. The other is that you're afraid of competition. Neither of these fences have any current in them.
If you're a hacker who has thought of one day starting a startup, there are probably two things keeping you from doing it. One is that you don't know anything about business. The other is that you're afraid of competition. Neither of these fences have any current in them.
I'm not thinking of starting a startup, but I thought the quote was applicable to anything. And also amusing.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Passion: The Filling
I've heard that when a person is passionate/obsessive about something, it means they've felt slighted/experienced a loss and are attempting to fill the void. Examples:
1) comedian: diagnosed with cancer and needed a way to laugh at the world
2) foodie/weight loss guru: started cooking, lost weight, and felt misled by all the "healthy" packaged foods that contain additives
3) graffiti artist: someone stole her markers at daycare
You get the drift.
My one qualm with the theory is that it makes passions/obsessions seem dysfunctional, because they're born from a negative. However, obsessions make people create things, tell stories, get things done. What if our lives are nothing but trying to fill one void after another? Is there anything wrong with that? Is there anything wrong with wanting to be a jelly muffin?
1) comedian: diagnosed with cancer and needed a way to laugh at the world
2) foodie/weight loss guru: started cooking, lost weight, and felt misled by all the "healthy" packaged foods that contain additives
3) graffiti artist: someone stole her markers at daycare
You get the drift.
My one qualm with the theory is that it makes passions/obsessions seem dysfunctional, because they're born from a negative. However, obsessions make people create things, tell stories, get things done. What if our lives are nothing but trying to fill one void after another? Is there anything wrong with that? Is there anything wrong with wanting to be a jelly muffin?
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