Beginning Again - The Pieces of Myself

My Writing

My Yoga

My Dancing

My Camera

I have experience with all of these things, and some of my skills are more developed than others. However, I feel as thought I'm back to beginning with all them: re-learning how my lens focuses, how to "ground" myself when I dance, what balance in my standing foot is, and where to find powerful words like "encast." My experiences all feel rudimentary, too. For instance, my photos are basic, I am just now figuring out the real point of yoga, dancing involves a part of my brain I'm not used to using, and my writing is simple. Starting over after being away from some of them for a long time is difficult.

Yet I am glad to have all these pieces in my life once again, because together they make me feel whole.

One Revolutionary Idea

"Do one small thing every day that works toward your goal."

I can't tell you how many times I've heard this and in how many contexts, but I finally get it now...and I think it's just changed my life. I'm only sad it's taken me this long to figure it out. I'm making resolutions:

1) one yoga pose a day
2) one dance exercise a day
3) one photo a day
4) go dancing once a week - and I know I can do this for free :-D

...that's it for now, but I'm only getting started :)

Theatrical Me

I think sometimes I can be a bit overdramatic. I attribute this to my uncontrollable emotions.

Hostel Waffles

We serve waffles every morning at the hostel and some people get creative with them. Here are two examples:

Waffle by Richard: Granola, seeds, and banana

 Waffle by Denise: mint chocolate chip ice cream, banana, and chocolate syrup

A "Most Excellent" Lunch

Thomas is one of my coworkers at the hostel. He's a pretty awesome guy - he's from Canada, wears only Dr. Martens boots, and came to Arizona to watch the cacti bloom. However, he's leaving to go back home next week, so we had to have a lunch event. We went to La Taqueria Pico de Gallo, which supposedly has the best, cheapest, and most authentic Mexican food in town.

We both wore our Dr. Martens to celebrate the occasion.

 Excited faces!

 I ordered a chicken taco and fish taco. Thomas ordered a beef burrito and cheesecake to share.

 The food was fantastic :)

Have...No...Energy...

It's April and the temperature is in the triple digits already. The heat isn't horribly uncomfortable (thank goodness for low humidity), but within a minute of stepping outside, you feel exhausted. What's more is the heat lingers into the night. The only bearable time of day is from right before sunrise (the coldest time of day) to about 10:30 am. After that, I choose to confine myself to an air-conditioned room for the next 19 hours.

Learn-to-Tango: Part Two

The tango class took place at a ballet studio. When I looked inside, I had a mixed sensation of feeling at home and nervous at the same time.

The Teacher
The teacher, Rusty, was very friendly and very articulate. He had a the aura of someone with years of experience and who was confident in his knowledge - gained (it seemed) through trial and error. He welcomed me right away. The class felt like a dance "laboratory" or a place of experimentation: you were encouraged to try different techniques to get the desired result. It was different from my other lessons, where the coach told you what to do.

Back to Square One
I stayed for two hours: the foundations class and the intermediate class. The foundations class involved mostly walking with a partner in front of you - a lead and follow exercise - and I felt very secure in this class. As the two hours progressed, though, I became confused, self-conscious, and frustrated. The teacher wouldn't explain anything analytical - his approach was very "right-brained." In fact, he refused to let you process out loud - he just wanted you to do. But I was confused and frustrated for almost the entire second hour, because I didn't know what he wanted me to do...even though everyone else seemed to understand. Even as Rusty explained exercises (using stools he brought out) - "Here's a hallway between the stools. Just walk in the hallways and change weight at every intersection" - I couldn't do it. I didn't get it. I was also frustrated because several of my bad movement habits never left...and he tried to help me correct 4-5 of them during the two hours. I felt like I was learning dance all over again.

My Dance Weaknesses
I have two challenges when it comes to dancing:

1) While I'm great at direct imitation, I'm physically dyslexic when I see mirror images. I become completely confused and don't understand the movement unless I'm familiar with it already. I still get confused when someone dances toward me with a forward cha cha and lock step (something I've seen millions of times), so I usually ignore it, do my own footwork, and hope it matches his.

2) I'm nearly blind to external information, so it can take me a while to understand a dance concept when I have to learn it visually. I recently read a book about strengths and found out that I absorb information "internally": I'm highly sensitive to emotions and interpersonal social behavior. However, when it comes to the details of my physical surroundings...I often miss the obvious. In the past, for instance, a dance teacher couldn't just show me a body rotation; he had to explain it or else it looked no different from what he showed me before.

Given that Rusty had us rely on visual cues in this new learning style for most of the time, it was really hard for me to absorb information. I was mentally exhausted at the end and wanted to go home.

Getting Rid of Rules
Rusty told us to not think about rules. He reminded me of my other teacher, Maja. At one lesson, I appeared really tentative and she asked me what I was afraid of.
"Are you afraid of falling?"
"No, I don't think so."
"Are you afraid of being perfect?"
I was silent.
"Don't worry about being perfect!" she said and went on to reassure me that dancing wasn't about perfection. However, I think the need for perfection is something in me inherently...I don't even know how to consciously fix it.

And here I am, asked to make things imperfect and rule-less again.

Argentine in My Future?
I don't know. I don't feel like it's really me. I've come to enjoy the grace and elegance of Standard and the way the dancers glide across the floor. I like their strong, majestic frames and how their presence is so strong on the floor. Tango is too organic for me, in some ways. The frame is too relaxed and the couple dances too close together...like they're scrunched. They don't glide and it's not as elegant...all my opinion, of course. Yet, any dancing makes me happier than no dancing. And nothing (yoga, photography...even writing) can replace it. So, while it was hard, I think I may go back and try class again.

Learn-to-Tango: Part One

I changed all my plans and stepped onto a bus. I made the decision yesterday and didn't want to waste time. Instead of taking a bike safety course for a free light set and a future free of traffic violations, instead of attending a volunteer event for the photography thing I signed up for, instead of going to a yoga class I been waiting to attend all week, I went to a tango class I heard about yesterday.

It all started with a conversation with my friend/the hostel manager Jimmy. Another friend and guest at the hostel and I made plans to take a tango class on Wednesday. I didn't care too much for Argentine, but I thought it would be a fun opportunity to go out. Unfortunately, my friend had to leave town that day, so we cancelled our plans and I learned how to fix a bike. Jimmy had given me the night off to go and wondered why I didn't. I explained what happened...but then my floodgate of feelings about dance opened:

- how dancing took over my life and how I sometimes hated that
- how the feeling that I would never be enough (fast enough, flexible enough, young enough, coordinated enough) would always be there and I would still be miles away from success
- how my new obsession with Anusara yoga was partially a healing process for me...I was always enough in class
- and how I enjoyed my time to write on my blog, take photos, talk to people, watch a movie, and create videos

After spilling all my pain, I came back to the things I actually loved about dancing...like teaching beginners, the ability to sense and direct energy...and the feeling of flying across the floor. Out of...somewhere...I started thinking about Argentine tango again and how it was taught to me as a lead and follow dance. I barely knew any tango "steps." I mused over taking a lesson....

That evening, I researched venues and teachers and found Rusty. When I saw that he compared tango to Zen (and had several reputable professional connections) I knew he was someone who spoke my dance language. He and his partner were offering class the next night, so I signed up.

Bike Maintenance 101

Since biking is going to be my main form of transportation, I took a 3-hour maintenance class today at BICAS (Bicycle Inter-Community Art and Salvage) for $20. Turns out I was the only person there, so it was a private lesson with a very thorough tune-up.

BICAS is part classroom, part art studio, and part repair shop. It's a cool place: you can do a work-exchange there for a certain number of hours and get credit toward purchasing bike parts or a full bicycle. You can also learn how to build a bike from scratch, take community social justice classes, and create art.

The Shop

Art Studio Section

Bicycle Classroom

The Patient

The Med Student

The Doctor-Teacher: Ash

By the time the class was over, I had learned how to remove, disassemble, and reassemble my wheels (did you know there is a separate inner tube underneath the part you see?); check for holes (the best way is with your tongue because of its sensitive nerve endings - so I licked a tire a few times) and patch them, rewire breaks, smooth the rickets in gears, and adjust a seat to the proper length. Ash gave me tons of other information about my bike, as well, but I can't remember it all. I'm happy to know how to fix a flat for the time being.

Evidence of My Hard Work

Happy Bicycle

The End

Things I Think About During Meditation

I took my first meditation class yesterday. I'm supposed to be thinking about my breathing. But I thought these thoughts were more productive instead:

- I had a weird dream about me doing gymnastics last night
- I should be a tango dancer...I like the skirts.
- I'm hungry.
- I hope I don't miss my bus.
- Yoga meditation is kind of like Zen.
- I read a book about Zen and archery.
- I should take up archery. That would be cool.
- I could build arm strength doing archery.
- When does my bus come again?
- I think I like Anusara yoga better than this kind.
- Is "Friend" really John Friend's last name?
- He sounds more like a cult leader than a yoga guru.
- I wonder if Anusara is a cult...all the people are really happy...
- But they play such cool music at classes.
- I need a job. A legit job.
- Maybe I should find seasonal work.
- In Tucson?
- There was cool stuff on Mackinac Island during the summer.
- Amy, you are not going back to the Midwest.
- Money is money, man.
- I'm hungry.
- What should I eat when I get home? Greek yogurt and almond butter...mmmm.....
- I hope the yogurt isn't still frozen. That was a bad idea and a half.
- For crying out loud, why can I not sit up straight???? Is this blanket really helping with posture???
- I'm getting tired. Meditation should not happen at 8 o'clock at night in the dark.
- How the heck does he sit so straight??

Sushi Overdone

I quit my job at the sushi restaurant...a few weeks ago, actually. The restaurant and I were growing distant and hostile, and I thought it was best that we parted ways. My quality of life has gone up tremendously since then.

Enjoying the Ride

I wrote a "25 Things" when I was a junior in college. The last one on my list was this:

I really don’t know where I’ll end up in life. But all I really want are awesome and crazy adventures along the way. 

While I worry about how to get from here to there and do X and Y, I forget to enjoy the ride that is my life. The struggles are part of the "crazy adventures," and I might as well enjoy them all - the happiness and the anxiety, the uncomfortable and bliss, the peculiar and the awesome.

Art Project Spring 2008

Volunteer Photographer

I almost didn't do it. I sent an "interested" response to the organization through a volunteer website (you click a button). The reason I did attend, actually, was because they really needed someone to shoot the event and the coordinator tugged at my heart. Since I had the day off, I went.

The event was a sleepover for "underprivileged" or low-income middle school children and the program was called Parks in Focus. The purpose of the program is to connect kids to nature through photography. Ideally, they wanted a semi-professional photographer...and I was the one that expressed interest (lol). After saying I didn't think I was a good fit for the job, the coordinator said that they just needed someone to document this event...hopefully someone with DSLR experience. Ok - that I had. 

The sleepover was at a Boys and Girls Club House. The kids were about 11 or 12, extremely well-behaved, and pretty adorable (the boys would say, "Miss! Can you help me with this?"). I ended up being quiet most of the time, fidgeting with camera settings and trying to be unobtrusive as the shutter swished loudly. However, I did talk to a couple of them and even shot hoops with a girl. Being around kids was refreshing, and I liked being the one not in charge. My job was to stay out of the way but be up-close and personal at the same time. It freed me from the pressure to socialize or to entertain verbally, and the kids ignored me (which allowed me take natural shots) unless I asked them to smile...and they were happy to oblige. 

I'd try to get to know the kids while I took photos of them, asking their names, what they were painting, or if they enjoyed their pizza. I could tell if someone was feeling self-conscious and I'd tell them to smile for a photo.

"I don't like to be in photos," one girl said.

"Why not?"

She shrugged, smiling sheepishly. I looked through the viewfinder. I saw a flash of large smile before it flew away.

"Oh come on...I know you have a big smile..." Her smile grew wider and you could see its genuineness in her eyes.

Click!

What surprised me most was how much the kids liked me being there. When I said it was time for me to go, several of them asked if I was going to come back later or the next morning (I wasn't). 

"You're going to go home and watch tv!" one boy laughed. Another girl asked if I was going to come see them again and take pictures. I said I would, but I didn't know when the next event was exactly. I realized I probably shouldn't have said I'd come.

Nevertheless, I had a good time and I'm glad I went. I had more fun than I expected. 

As soon as I get access to the photos again (I borrowed the foundation's camera), I'll put some of my favorites up.

Preparing for the HEAT

Tucson has intense summers I hear. The following advice has been given to me on more than one occasion:

"Biking is the best way to get around in the summer. Before you go out for the day, though, you'll want to soak a button-up shirt in water and put it on over your other clothes. By the time you get to your destination, your shirt will be dry and you won't be as hot as you would have been otherwise."

Checklist: need button-up shirts...

Deserts and Oases

I wondered that if in order for a person to understand who he was, he would need to remove all excess: leave all his preconceptions, material belongings, and relationships behind...be "bare," essentially, and live only on what was needed...
In such a barren place - a desert - he would have available only his own mind and hands. He could see himself as he truly was and eventually find what he truly desired...his oasis.

I find it interesting how I arrived in Tucson at this point in my life: without a home, job, friends, or family and very few possessions. A desert, essentially...literal and figurative. I hope it will not be too long before I find my oasis.

Heather and Christine Visit!

The main reason I didn't write last week was because my sisters Heather and Christine came to visit! They came during their spring break and it was really great to see them. Below are some of the things we did:

We wandered around the University 

and took a photo with the Arizona Wildcats.

Heather found the chemistry department

and proceeded to communicate in her native language...

We had a really delicious and shockingly inexpensive lunch at Sinbad's Mediterranean Restaurant.

Then we went back to the hostel, relaxed, and watched tv.

Last week was Holy Week, so on Friday we fasted. Christine and I made a run to the Cheesecake factory, though for a midnight "break fast."

Reese's Peanut Butter Cup on the left and Ultimate Red Velvet on the right. Midnight tasted so good =)

I'm glad they came :)

Priority Change: How I'm Doing and Where I'm Headed

Since I've moved to Tucson, I've had an entire shift in the approach to my future. At first, the most important thing was to have convenient and (relatively) inexpensive lessons from a teacher I admired. The job and other details then would fall into place. This would have happened except for one thing: I decided I was unwilling to spend my life/time working a draining job. I couldn't handle the thought of faking through another interview. I also realized that my options for teaching dance right now did not appeal to me, so I scratched that plan.

Because of these two decisions, I've chosen to put dancing on hold indefinitely. I'm learning that there are things that are more important to me, and finding a way to earn money in an enjoyable way has taken top priority. That means dancing must wait. It has taken me two months to make this decision. I've questioned and examined my values repeatedly. I've also experienced feeling like a failure on a daily basis for weeks at a time - for moving in order to accomplish a goal...and then I change direction. Sometimes I feel guilty, too, because I have other interests that I want to pursue. Weird, right? Weird that I'm allowing myself to enjoy things that I loved doing before I started dancing? Weird that I'm actually thinking about trying something different like rock climbing or kickboxing? Weird that I'm finally writing that book I've been thinking about for the last two years?

Anyway, my life is coming together. Opportunities and new paths - for a career and for fun - have come my way and I'm excited to try them out. Not to leave a cliff-hanger, but I won't write about them in this post. Just know that I am not dancing (so please don't ask how it's going), but I am doing well.