"What?" My partner asked. I didn't want to say what I was feeling. He continued, "It's simple, but you're trying to find a nice way to say it. Just say it."
"...I think I'm burned out."
~~~~~~~~~
When I was becoming depressed, I lost interest in dancing. I thought it was simply because of my S.A.D. However, even on my happiest days, I discovered I had no desire to go out and dance. As the days went on, disinterest in dancing turned into dislike and then gradually repulsion. I became upset over feeling this way and started talking to my family and friends: "What is this?!" I'd ask. I had everything I wanted: a great partner, a great coach, and I was working toward my dream of becoming a professional dance teacher. However, something didn't feel right.
I had returned to analyzing myself again - what I was passionate about and what I wanted to do with my life. I had an overwhelming desire to create something - write, produce, build. I started reading more about self- and career-development. I wanted to focus on building a creative career and not pour energy into lessons and practice anymore, but I wouldn't accept that thought. Maybe, I thought, I just need a break. Maybe this is normal. Maybe this is part of hard work: it's not always fun, but when you hang in there, you'll achieve great things. But I no longer wanted to even think about dancing. I felt disgusted and I wanted to be disassociated from it. I would cringe when people would refer to me as a dancer. I'm other things, too!! I wanted to yell.
Practices were difficult to attend. I wasn't mentally there and I quit caring. You know that "ceiling" I talked about when I was depressed? I kept hitting it with dancing. I just hated thinking about it. Yet I continued to convince myself to push forward. What about everything I wanted? I'd ask myself. Nationals? Blackpool? A big part of success is showing up, and I knew that if I showed up, eventually I would be successful...but at what cost? Obviously I wasn't happy anymore.
To help me figure out where my values were, I reflected on a few questions (with the help of my mom):
1) What are you afraid of?
2) What would you lose if you quit?
3) Is there a compelling reason to not continue dancing?
After thinking about it, the real issue/fear came out. I realized that I was afraid of letting people down and I was afraid of what people would think of me if I quit: Is Amy going to be one of those people who sets out to do something and never finishes? Is she a quitter when things get hard? She could be great, she has so much potential and she's throwing it away. I didn't think she would follow through anyway...she's not dedicated...
All these thoughts were and are very real to me. They also make me wonder about my motivations for pursuing competitive dancing as far as I did...were my goals ever really my goals? Or were they implanted in my head by others? Goals I "should" have had? For me, one of the upsides of being told that I have talent and potential is that it motivates me to do better and fulfill it. The downside, though, is that I believe I now have a responsibility: I need to fulfill this talent or potential, otherwise it will go to waste and I will be a failure. My coaches and team members sent me the positve messages, but I also saw the feelings they revealed about those who were decent dancers and never practiced: disapproval. I never wanted to be on the receiving end of that. Lastly, I have to admit that my previous partner - even in his good intentions - fueled the pressure I felt to continue dancing. He would talk about my talent and how I could end up at Blackpool. I think this might have been his dream for me and I eventually took it on. As great of a goal that it is, it only makes choosing a different path that much harder.
After contemplating the fear issue, I thought about how much I used to love dancing - truly. Running finishes in quickstep let you fly and foxtrot feathers and three-steps let you glide. In Latin, you could unleash a firy or charismatic energy that you never let out otherwise. I loved beautiful movement and stories told through dance. I loved taking on different characters through expression without words. There really was something magical about it.
However, for whatever reason, the magic wasn't there for me anymore, and the need to figure out how the body could move efficiently and beautifully across the floor wasn't as dire.
~~~~~~~~~
I explained to Shey that I didn't know if it was temporary or long-term, but it was definitely there. I mentioned how I didn't even want to think about dancing and that I was done. I couldn't tell at first how he was taking it. He seemed shocked and then understanding. We went over and sat down on the studio chairs, ending practice 20 minutes early.
"I think I feel the same thing," he said. A Standard tango came on. "I don't want to dance to this - I can't relate to this! Can you?"
"Well...kind of..."
"The thought of dancing to this music - to Standard music - makes me want to throw up..."
I burst out laughing. I thought Standard music could be very beautiful, but I had to agree that sometimes enough was enough.
Shey and I talked about working through it, but truth be told, I think we both wanted to be done. We agreed to take an indefinite break. If we came back together, we came back together. If we didn't, we didn't. The great thing about this partnership was that was that we seemed to be on the same page the whole time - from the beginning of our dancing to the end. Kind of crazy how you meet someone like that. I actually don't view our partnership as ending, though. I think of my partnerships like I think of book chapters - they're always going to be there, and when you want to revisit that dancing/chapter again, you can.
When I biked home, I felt an incredible sense of freedom and as though a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt good. Really good. I began thinking of all the other things I could do to fill my time and was met with an incredible swirl of possibilities. I could write or watch movies and not feel guilty for not practicing, or I could become certified in TEFL and move to another country - like Turkey or Oman! OR!!! I could go SoCiAl DaNcInG and ENJOY myself! ...or maybe that's a bit much for now.
Regardless, leaving dance won't be forever, but I want to try something else for a while. It's been great so far, but I want dancing to be my art...and to be fun.
As I peddled home, I began planning my next adventure...
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