Already into mid-February and I'm more emotionally stable. I didn't know that leaving Catholicism would have such an impact on me. I'm still confused and I'm still sad, but it's much less dramatic than before. A friend and I had a general conversation about the ordeal today, in which I explained: "Catholicism was my structure (for my life and morality), and I like structure. It gives me a guideline to measure myself against. But when I separated from it in January, my structure shattered into pieces. I picked up the few I still believed in - God, Jesus, and Mary - and left the rest behind. So technically my slate was not wiped clean, but now I don't have a structure."
My situation is a mixed bag. On one hand, I want to find a Christian group to fit into again, but I also enjoy the freedom of being unlabeled. I also tend to feel sad when I go by a Catholic church or when I hear people talk about church in general. However, I don't feel right going back, because I just don't believe what they believe anymore. I feel like an outsider and I have too much respect for the Mass to intrude. I do miss the rituals, though...all the standing, sitting, kneeling, candle-lighting and incense burning that make non-Catholics sick...and I don't know how I will feel about Easter coming around and me not being a part of it. We will have to see; my religion is a work in progress.
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