Crazy Bride

Hand to God I need a wedding therapist. I can't look at photos and videos of other people's weddings anymore without getting depressed. I look at them to get ideas for what I want and end up wanting their wedding instead. I then get depressed about the choices I'm locked into and sink into the amy-can't-go-on-with-life mode.

When I started the designing process, I had no idea what I wanted in a style. None. When vendors asked me, I gave them a blank look. I must have looked like the most "uneducated" bride. After going through tons of photos and visiting locations, I eventually decided on "elegant desert" - not golf course, not super fancy resort, not urban warehouse, not rustic barn. I liked nature. Tucson nature. However, I've discovered that I prefer either super amazing, scenic nature or fake nature, i.e. a well-groomed cactus garden...next to a beautiful patio and a green lawn, surrounded by a cream-colored stucco wall with a wooden door and mountains in the background. And little lights strung over an outdoor dance floor. However, my venue is not like that - I chose a garden area (albeit, a pretty one) with a cliche gazebo, an ugly stark-white bridge that totally looks out of place, and outdated-looking carpet in the reception area. Tacky. So even though it has some nice areas, overall I pretty much hate it. Sometimes I have 10 minutes of peace and acceptance, but then I go back to hating it. Ibrahim doesn't agree that the venue is an eye sore, so maybe I'm being overly critical. I hope I am, because I'm truly afraid of ending up with an ugly wedding. I've cried over this.

Sometimes I don't recognize myself anymore. In the early stages of being an engaged bride, I wanted something simple that didn't stress me out. I wanted a fun party with my family and friends. I didn't care about flowers, decorations, or what my dress looked like. I had some idea of other details, but I wasn't invested in them. I wanted a good photographer and I wanted to have fun. That was about it. I disliked the idea that my wedding day would be the "most important day of my life" and I did everything I could to keep that sort of thinking away. However, after venturing into the wedding culture for months, I've become one of them...one of those crazy brides. I've had fun, too. I like looking at flowers and hairstyles. I like trying on dresses and thinking about colors. I like looking at beautiful venues. But doing all those things has also been a poison. Our wedding day has taken on more value to me, almost to the point of obsession. I care about everything now. Sometimes I hate things that I've already decided on and want to redo them (I'm thinking about scheduling a third hair trial, for instance, possibly with a different stylist). I've absorbed the realization that this is the only wedding I'm going to have (I hope) and it needs to be beautiful. It's making me want to spend money on things that ultimately don't matter just so I can look like all those other beautiful weddings. I want to look at our photos and not cringe. 

I've been trying my hardest to not come off as a bridezilla, but the feelings are welling up. I want everything to go well and I'm just so afraid it won't - my hair, makeup, dress, venue, photos...everything else. It will probably rain, too, so we can't even get decent nature photos.

I've tried to talk to Ibrahim about this, but I feel like he doesn't get it. He knows I'm sad and he tries to be supportive...but it doesn't help. He thinks I'm going crazy, and I probably am. However, I just want a beautiful wedding. I know I can't compete with people whose budgets are twice the size of mine, but I really want mine to be nice. Really. And I'm afraid it's going to be god-awful. Justified or not, that's how I feel.