I've been engaged for almost a year now. The first few months were about me getting used to the idea that I was in fact getting married. I was so overwhelmed I didn't know what to do. That wore off around the fall and Ibrahim and I decided we should start moving. From October to January we checked off some major pieces: date, venue (which included caterer, decorations, and DJ), and photographer. Then I spent the next several months preparing for competitions and performances, so I didn't think about it much. My goal for the wedding was to pull off something relatively nice-looking that was fun with a low level of stress. My wedding was not going to be the defining moment of my life, so I wasn't putting pressure on myself to make it that. For this reason, I didn't have any kind of wedding obsession or "bride mind."
Once we entered June, though, I decided I should get going on other things - choosing colors, picking a theme of some kind, finding a dress, deciding on flowers, and looking into cakes. As soon as I started, I realized the benefit of planners. The thing that is really throwing me, though, is the wedding dress.
I was relatively normal until I started looking for a dress. First I started online and found cheap items. Then - after some research - I realized most of them came from China, the images were stolen, and you never knew what you would get. I don't really care about the dress coming from China, but I don't want to look cheap in my photos. So I started looking at stores. I made a trip to David's Bridal last weekend on a whim and was pleasantly surprised. Their dresses were nice and I really liked my attendant. I was also surprised to find that I really liked the ivory satin ball gown I tried on. I thought for sure I would wear a lacy sheath dress. The top on the satin ball gown, however, wasn't quite right, so I decided I would keep looking. This is when things became crazy.
While I looked at more stores, I realized that boutique wedding gowns were typically $1000 or more, before alterations. Also, you need alterations because wedding gowns aren't going to fit right away. So I had to find someone for that and I had to do it fast...seamstresses apparently book up six months in advance. My wedding is in six months. This is ok...I have a style in mind that I like...I should be able to choose something quickly. But then - gasp - I realized that I looked good in ivory. The decor at my wedding - the permanent gazebo and little bridge and chairs - were all white. My dress was going to clash with my venue! I started looking at photos of other weddings at my location to see if all the women wore white dresses and what ivory would look like. Then I looked at my photographer's images, comparing them to others. I started wondering if I picked the wrong photographer...if I should have chosen someone else...if I should have chosen a different venue...if my entire wedding was going to be ruined and ugly and I would have terrible photos and memories for the rest of my life.
These emotions will paralyze me sometimes. I can't think and want to just curl up on the floor and not move. I started off wanting something fun and relatively low-key, but now my doubts about everything and my desire for something beautiful and perfect have crept in and created havoc.
Before now, I never understood why a wedding dress was a big deal: they were white gowns that made every bride look the same. You couldn't move in them because they were too big or slim or didn't have enough fabric. So they were expensive, not fun dresses that women obsessed over. But when I tried them on, I suddenly realized how different they fit on you and how they made you look and feel. I felt so elegant and classic in satin. It struck an emotional chord. I became a sucker to the industry. That first fitting suddenly made this *thing* important in my eyes...and it's affecting everything else.
I have another couple rounds of wedding dress appointments scheduled: one today, three tomorrow in Phoenix, and one next weekend in Phoenix. I'm not afraid I won't find something. I'm sure everything will look great once it's over $2000. I just want to find something that works and stop worrying.
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