Greatness

I'm starting to hate when people ask me what I want to do with my life. They want some kind of answer that doesn't include the work I'm currently doing. Yet, when I give them an answer, they don't always comprehend it or how it could turn into a source of income (e.g. writing). In particular, I'm thinking about the doctors I work for. No, I do not want to go into medicine or become a physician. Maybe it isn't the question itself, though, but rather who is asking.

Mike, my significant other, asked me today what I want to do. We were having lunch and it kind of came out of nowhere. He doesn't often ask me point blank about my aspirations.
"What I want to do?" I repeated.
"Yeah."
I sighed. There are several things I want to do. I explained my battle between Pragmatic Amy and Creative Amy and how they do not want to work together.
"The reason I ask about what you want to do is because you're in a situation where you have a benefit - furthering your education for cheap - and I'm wondering if you are interested in using it." he said. I told him about how I almost applied for a graduate school program, but it made Creative Amy want to cry. I liked writing, business, and...I didn't know how I felt about creative writing.
I went on, "At work, people tell me that I'm good at what I do and I'm very organized (even though that makes me laugh inwardly). They say I would be good at residency management and that it would be a good career path. But I feel like...that isn't enough." I paused in hesitation, debating whether or not I wanted to admit what I was thinking. It couldn't hurt to be honest. "I want to be great." Breathe. It's out there. "I don't want to be another person in a system, on a track." I then continued my back and forth volleying about taking a practical route (management, business) vs. finding my "greatness"...which may not be so practical.
"Well, my input of little value is that greatness is nearly impossible to achieve without passion," he said. "I think you have to the tools to achieve greatness...you just have to figure out what that is." That was nice to hear, but I still didn't know how to dig myself out of my hole.
"I envy people who know what they want, even if they don't know how to get there." I said.
"I sometimes envy people who don't know what they want and just live one day to the next."
"What? Why?"
"It must be a blissful place to be to not have goals looming in front of you."
"There may be some like that, but there are also others who live one day at a time and go on crazy adventures." I told him about my friend Charlie who lived in the moment and somehow worked his way over to Hawaii. He now surfs and bikes all the time, but I have no idea how he earns a living. "Even if they don't have goals, they're still living interesting lives. The cost, however, is that finding (i.e. paying for) your next meal may be one of those adventures. I've been broke before and I'm not willing to sacrifice that comfort for adventure. ...Yet these people have stories."
"Is that of value to you? People's stories?"
I thought for a moment. "...yeah."
"If you could construct an adventure, what would it be?" he asked. That's a big question, I thought. Travel would be part of the adventure, of course. But not just traveling around as a tourist. I wanted to learn about people from people.
"I would like to work...kind of as a journalist." I said. I hesitated using that word. There was something about this conversation that made me feel like I was hitting something deep. Kind of like going to a place I didn't let myself go, but kind of wanted to. "I'd like to write about the ballroom world over in Europe, which is treated more like figure skating and gymnastics: a cut-throat sport rather than a fun, show activity. Or maybe write about people in the fashion world or other professions (culinary, sports, performance, the beauty industry...my mind was thinking...really get raw with these people and discover others what their worlds are like).
"Could you write people's stories? Even if you start locally?" he asked.
"I suppose. I mean, I've done it before when I worked at the hostel. But back then people came to me (they stayed there and I just started conversation). I suppose I could try to get back into tourism..."
"You could just interview people in town without disrupting your whole lifestyle. You could write about whoever you wanted and find a common thread to connect them."
"I guess I could do that." Will I need a car?
"I don't know...you're good at writing and I like the way you think. From what I know of you and from your writing that I've read, I know you have an analytical mind: you don't take things at face value...you ask why. You know there's something beneath the surface. Telling people's stories could be something you're good at." I had that feeling you get when you wanted to do something but were afraid of failure.

By now the server had returned with our processed check and credit card and it was time to go.

When we arrived at my house, he said, "You like Serial and podcasts like that, right?"
"Yeah..."
"Well, when I listen to those, I hear you in the background."
"Like in the writing of the podcasts?"
"Writing, producing...and - maybe it's just my opinion - but you have a nice voice. You could tell these stories about people and podcast them." I felt a smile surfacing as I thought about it. I liked the idea of producing podcasts. I've thought about it before, but I didn't know what to talk about, so I set the idea aside. Maybe I should think about it again? It could be part of my path to greatness, whatever that turns out to be.