Collision of the past and present lives

Today I received an email from a resident applicant asking for details about the interview on Monday. I didn't respond and instead stared at the name. I recognized it. I checked the university she was coming from in her signature. It had to be who I thought it was. I looked up her application online. Her picture matched what I could remember of her and she was from the right state...I checked her CV. Yep, the right undergraduate school and there, at the bottom, was her list of extra-curriculars: Purdue Ballroom Dance Team. I had a mini heart-attack. Someone I competed against 4-5 years ago was coming to the UA for a residency interview.

Some people might think a situation like this would be super neat. Oh awesome! What a small world we live in! For me, though...I had strong rush of emotions: a hint of excitement, but mostly dread and humiliation. For me, this person - a symbol of my past life during which I was so intense and so in over my head - was colliding with my current life. She was a reminder of who I was back then and what my goals were, and consequently a reminder of the path I chose and how I came to be where I am now. Reflecting on this, I sank into a puddle of self-pity. I felt like a failure. I texted my sister, hoping to release some of this emotional energy in conversation. I explained, "I feel incredibly under-accomplished and quite foolish. Here is a person who was great at ballroom dancing, but her goal was to become a doctor. I went after dancing and now I'm an assistant to doctors. I feel like a failure. A lost and confused failure." Why did I do what I did? Why did I try to chase ballroom? And to Tucson of all god-forsaken places? I was so idealistic and so naive. If I had stayed in Wisconsin, I would have had a better chance of going further in the sport, because I wouldn't have had to start over from scratch.

But the truth is, I wanted out. Out of Wisconsin, out of that life.

The good news is, she doesn't know me. I was only on the ballroom scene for two years and didn't have time to make friends with people from other teams. Interview day could come and go and she'll never be the wiser.

As the day went on, I calmed down. Something is eating at me on the inside. I've been experiencing envy lately and I know it's because I'm not making use of some ability I have. I can't figure out what it is, though, or what to do about it.